Around this time every year, studios get to pimping out their big time Oscar bait and there are at least a dozen movies I really want to see because they look so fucking fantastic. The past two years have actually been really great for film, but this year the only movies I was mega jazzed on were The Witch and Zootopia (both were siiiiiick).
I’ve legit had numerous conversations with multiple people about how we had NO idea what would even be nominated for the Oscars this year, but today the Golden Globe nominations were released and, amazingly, it’s a bunch of shit I’ve never even heard of.
Ok, so here is a rundown on the movie nominations, since, for the most part, television is all the same old shit (though I am deeply rooting for Stranger Things, The Night Of, and Atlanta). I would like to point out that the fucking MASTERPIECE The Witch is not nominated for anything good. Horror never gets the cred it deserves. But anyway, here are the nominations, accompanied by my opinions:
Best Motion Picture – Drama:
“Hacksaw Ridge” (some Mel Gibson war movie. Last time he made one of those it was We Were Soldiers, which tried to make Vietnam look not so bad?)
“Hell or High Water” (Jeff Bridge cowboy movie maybe?)
“Lion” (Movie with Nicole Kidman, but I do not believe there are any lions)
“Manchester by the Sea” (Never heard of it before now)
“Moonlight” (Movie that will potentially make ‘Oscars so White’ not a thing, but I’m unaware of its plot)
Best Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy:
“20th Century Women” (Never heard of it, but apparently Annette Benning is in it and I met her in New York back in April and she was lovely)
“Deadpool” (I know this movie and loved it)
“La La Land” (Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone musical)
“Florence Foster Jenkins” (Never heard of it)
“Sing Street” (Never heard of it x2)
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama:
Casey Affleck – “Manchester by the Sea” (From the preview I watched this movie looks depressing af)
Joel Edgerton – “Loving” (True story about the legal woes of an American interracial couple. Looks good)
Andrew Garfield – “Hacksaw Ridge” (Spiderman goes to war)
Viggo Mortensen – “Captain Fantastic” (Never heard of it)
Denzel Washington – “Fences” (Thought this was a play)
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama:
Amy Adams – “Arrival” (a guy from Newfoundland, Mark O’Brien, is in this movie, so that’s cool for me)
Jessica Chastain – “Miss Sloane” (Never heard of it)
Isabelle Huppert – “Elle” (No idea)
Ruth Negga – “Loving” (Interracial marriage movie, again)
Natalie Portman – “Jackie” (Thought this was a HBO movie, but I guess not)
Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy:
Colin Farrell – “The Lobster” (I’ve heard of this, but thought this movie was last year)
Ryan Gosling – “La La Land” (Ryan Gosling sings and dances!)
Hugh Grant – “Florence Foster Jenkins” (I have no fucking clue)
Jonah Hill – “War Dogs” (I thought this movie was supposed to suck?)
Ryan Reynolds – “Deadpool” (Nailed it)
Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Musical or Comedy:
Annette Bening – “20th Century Women” (Rootin’ for my bestie!)
Lily Collins – “Rules Don’t Apply” (I don’t know what this is)
Hailee Steinfeld – “The Edge of Seventeen” (Is this like Juno?)
Emma Stone – “La La Land” (You get the picture)
Meryl Streep – “Florence Foster Jenkins” (OF COURSE MERYL IS NOMINATED FOR SOME SHIT)
Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture:
Mahershala Ali – “Moonlight” (Sure)
Jeff Bridges – “Hell or High Water” (I thought he was the lead?)
Simon Helberg – “Florence Foster Jenkins” (I don’t know anymore…)
Dev Patel – “Lion” (Again, there is no lion in this film that I know of)
Aaron Taylor-Johnson – “Nocturnal Animals” (I saw the preview for this film and thought it was a perfume ad for Gucci)
Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in a Motion Picture:
Viola Davis – “Fences” (I have now confirmed that this is not just a play)
Naomie Harris – “Moonlight” (I should watch the preview for this…)
Nicole Kidman – “Lion” (I told you this was a Nicole Kidman movie)
Octavia Spencer – “Hidden Figures” (This movie is about black ladies doing shit for NASA in the 60s)
Michelle Williams – “Manchester by the Sea” (I also met Michelle Williams when I was in New York this year and she was tiny af)
Best Motion Picture – Animated:
“Kubo and the Two Strings” (No idea)
“Moana” (Movie where Lilo from Lilo and Stitch grows up to go on an adventure with The Rock)
“My Life as a Zucchini” (I think I saw a porn named the same thing once)
“Sing” (Movie about singing animals)
“Zootopia” (AMAZZZZZZZING)
So those are the big movie award nominees this year, and as you can see, for someone who is typically up to date on their pop culture shit, I am clearly mostly oblivious. 2016: what a stupid fucking year.