Jamie Dornan needs a lesson in good PR and bullshitting.? While doing some promotional chit chat for his upcoming shittastic film 50 Shades of Gray, Dornan did the number one worst thing to do when trying to get people to want to see his movie.? He basically let everyone know it was going to suck.
Now, he didn’t come right out and say “This film is going to fucking blow, so don’t waste your time and wait until RedBox has this shit for $1.27.”? However, he did deflate the little bit of hope people had for a redeeming quality.? That quality being the ability to see Jamie’s penis.
I am not a 50-something year old housewife in a mediocre marriage, nor am I an affection starved 20-something who secretly wants to get punched in the face during intercourse, so I fully admit that I have never had any desire to read 50 Shades of Chris Brown Sex. Everything I basically know about it, I know from Buzzfeed, Facebook, over excited post-Twilight fans, and angry feminists.?? But?I have heard and seen enough to get the entire premise of the book, and in turn, solidify my decision to not waste my damn time.
When it was announced last year that there was going to be a movie based on the book, fans of the book got super excited.? Then there was a lot of hoopla over who would play the main dude with the mommy issues, Christian, mostly because everyone just cared who they would get to see nake and ripping used tampons out of some meek chick’s lady bits.?? Originally, Charlie Hunnam was going to be the lead, but then he remembered he wanted to be a legitimate actor, so instead they got Jamie Dornan, who to me will always be the hot dude with the brogue from Once Upon a Time.
Well, the movie is set to come out in a few months, so the actors have started talking more about it.? Recently, Dornan was doing some promo work for it, and he pretty much confirmed that there was no good reason to see the film anymore but admitting that there would be no dick shots.
?There were contracts in place that said that viewers wouldn't be seeing my, um?todger. You want to appeal to as wide an audience as possible without grossing them out. You don't want to make something gratuitous, ugly and graphic.?
I guess fans didn’t really see the major underline/bold/italicization with the words “based on” because I am not surprised by this.? Titties and female ass can be shown ALL OVER and be considered mass appealing, but show a little twigs and berries and suddenly lines have been crossed.?? How did anyone really expect that the raunchiness of the book would actually be shown on film???This?shit ain’t on Showtime.
Dakota Johnson, the boring trick cast as the female lead, has nothing going for her.? Her acting is meh, her looks are meh, and believe me dudes aren’t willing to sit through this crap in the theater just so they can see some areola without condemnation from their girlfriends.? So really, if you know you aren’t going to see Dornan Full Monty it up on the big screen, what the hell is the draw anymore for going?? It’s already been leaked that the two actors have about as much chemistry as Honey Boo Boo’s mom and a stationary bike, and we all know the storyline is horrendous.
Also, can I just point out that Jamie calls his own penis ugly and gross?? Tsk tsk.? Granted, Dornan is wearing little tighty whities here, but there is nothing ugly going on in this photo.
RIP 50 Shades, the Box Office Flop.