Let’s play a quick game. Things that Miley Cyrus likes: parties, the USA, money, the sound of her own voice.

Things that Miley Cyrus doesn’t like: Twilight. There must be other things too – like having a dad whose beard is shaped like a stripper’s vagina, probably – but Twilight is the main one. Miley Cyrus really doesn’t like Twilight. We know this because Miley Cyrus told someone that she didn’t like Twilight and now it’s news. Because that’s how news works.

In fact, Miley Cyrus says that she doesn’t even believe in Twilight, which is silly because it clearly exists. A damning indictment of the homeschool curriculum from Miley Cyrus, there.

This is a difficult time for Miley Cyrus. She’s clearly desperate to break free from the shackles of Hannah Montana and become a more adult-oriented performer, but how? Taking her clothes off for magazines? She’s already done that. Releasing singles that sound like tenth-rate Red Hot Chili Pepper rip-offs instead of tenth-rate High School Musical rip-offs? She’s already done that too. What else can Miley do to deliberately distance herself from her tween fanbase?

We know! Why doesn’t Miley Cyrus take every opportunity to badmouth everything that tweens traditionally like? It’s a perfect idea. Tweens like Twitter, so why doesn’t Miley Cyrus suddenly decide that she hates Twitter? What? She’s already done that? Brilliant? What next? What else do tweens like? Heelies? Too niche. Ice cream? Too broad. Talking about themselves endless in gratingly rasping voices under the profound misapprehension that anybody cares? But Miley likes that too! Oh, this is SO HARD!

Hang on, what about Twilight? That’s perfect. Tweens don’t just like Twilight, they love Twilight. They love Twilight so much that all they want to do when they grow up is get pregnant from a 108-year-old man who’ll gnaw through her guts to get the baby out. So why doesn’t Miley Cyrus just trash that? It’s a DEAL! MTV reports:

“I’ve never seen it and nor will I ever,” Miley [said]. The starlet went on to elaborate on what exactly it is about “Twilight” that offends her. “I don’t believe in it. I don’t like vampires. … I don’t like the wolf that pops out of the screen when I’m watching my TV at night. I don’t like it. I don’t want anything to do with it. I don’t like the shirts. I don’t like any of it,” she said.

Well, gee Miley, we knew that you didn’t like shirts – because you take enough photos of yourself without them – but to say that you don’t like Twilight a few days before the release of New Moon is put thousands of young fans in a quandary. What are they supposed to do now?

Do they side with Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart, the effortlessly dishevelled stars of New Moon who inspire lust and devotion everywhere they go? Or do the side with the annoying 16-year-old who’s probably best known for holding hands with a Jonas Brother and singing songs like Ice Cream Freeze (Let’s Chill)?

Yeah, it’s a toughie.

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Let’s be serious for a moment – if you were the parent of a child like Miley Cyrus, you’d be appalled.

Just think of the implications. If you were the father of a child like Miley Cyrus then you, by definition, would be just like Billy Ray Cyrus. And that doesn’t even bear thinking about, does it? You’d have to grow a girl’s haircut. And a funny little beard that makes your entire face look like a stripper’s vagina. It’d be horrible.

Oh, and you’d also be appalled because your child would end up being named as the worst celebrity influence of the year, just like Miley Cyrus has.

Sometimes it seems as if poor Miley Cyrus just can’t do anything right. She can’t take a simple photo of herself without accidentally drenching her T-shirt and then uploading the pictures to the internet. She can’t meet new people without offending roughly 60% of the world’s population. She can’t sing a happy little song at an awards show without grinding up against a pole like a dead-eyed lapdancer. She can’t make a film without it being so awful that just thinking about it makes us want to violently corkscrew our eyes out.

And maybe it’s her insistence on blundering into these awkward situations like a ghastly teenage cross between Mr Bean and Prince Phillip that has earmarked Miley Cyrus as the worst celebrity influence of 2009.

Apparently, according to an AOL survey of 9-15 year-olds, Miley Cyrus is such a dreadful influence that she even managed to push Britney Spears and Kanye West – people who have spent the year either baring their vagina onstage or grossly disappointing their dead mother – into second and third place respectively. Phil Spector didn’t even get a look-in, and he murdered a woman’s face off. That’s how much of a bad influence Miley Cyrus is. What a turd. Reuters reports:

“I think Miley is in an interesting space where she is trying to graduate from being ‘Hannah Montana’ and a Disney channel celebrity and coming into her own and having a career beyond Disney,” said Stephanie Cohen, editor of JSYK.com. “I think her fans still want her to be the sweet Hannah Montana and she is trying to age up…Parents are definitely resisting it.”

This might come as bad news to Miley Cyrus – and worse news to the Disney executives who, upon hearing this news, presumably began to look for another grinning apple-faced teenage girl to buy and raise as their own – but she needs to remember that this is just another part of her natural progression. First came her fame as a childstar, and now Miley Cyrus needs to cut her ties and develop as an artist in her own right.

After all, if she doesn’t do that then she’ll never fulfil the third stage of her career plan – failing as an artist in her own right and spending the rest of her life punctuating her underperforming straight-to-DVD movies by crawling around the nightclubs of the world drunkenly belching “Don’t you know who I am?” into the face of disinterested strangers. And she does want that to happen, right?

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The world has a little less Miley Cyrus in it today, and some people are taking that to be a bad thing.

People are idiots. Anyway, the reason why there’s less Miley Cyrus in the world is because Miley has deleted her Twitter account, and her fans have overreacted so dramatically that Miley has had to use her blog to apologise to everyone.

In a way, we can see why everyone is so upset – if Miley Cyrus isn’t on Twitter, then which other celebrity Twitter user will regularly upload photos of themselves in various states of inappropriate undress? Elizabeth Taylor, we’ve never needed you so much.

You know how Miley Cyrus got to be where she is today? By allowing her parents to sell her childhood to a global entertainment corporation as part of a harrowing Faustian pact whereby they’d gain maybe a decade of increased material wealth? Well, yeah, that. But also it’s because everyone wants Miley Cyrus to be their friend.

It’s true. Everyone wants to hang out with Miley Cyrus and go to her weird underage knicker parties and see if her dad is really as creepy as he seems and listen to her verbalise every passing thought in her increasingly gruff Dr Claw-esque speaking voice. But because that’s both impossible and a little unsettling, the next best thing involved following Miley Cyrus on Twitter.

In fact, following Miley Cyrus on Twitter was even better than being her friend – not only could you keep up to date with her dazzling showbusiness anecdotes, but also decoding her berserk spelling, grammar and punctuation was even more challenging than trying to complete the Times crossword. It was the gift that kept on giving, provided that you enjoyed reading offensively grating missives of teenage self-promotion several times a day.

Notice the past tense, there. You see, Miley Cyrus has decided to delete her Twitter account. And, because she upset some weirdos in the process, she’s decided to blog about her decision to quit Twitter. Miley wrote:

You all are the closest thing to my heart & it breaks my spirit to hear that some of you feel neglected since I deleted my twitter. It was a wonderful way to stay connected to you & I really felt like during that time we became very much like friends… How can I whine about my life being to public if I am the one telling the world what I am doing? Some things in my life need to say in my life only and not on some gossip site… I just think kids all over the world could maybe take a little vacation from Cyberspace.

You read that? We broke her spirit! High fives all round!

Anyway, good for Miley Cyrus. It makes sense for her to delete her Twitter account because she’s tired of sharing her life with everyone, only to then immediately share the reason why she deleted it on her blog. Let’s hope that she never decides to delete her blog, because then she’d have to share the reason for that on Facebook.

And then if she deleted her Facebook account, she’d have to share the reason for that on MySpace.

And if she deleted her MySpace page, she’d have to share the reason for that on YouTube.

And if she deleted her YouTube channel then she’d have to come round to your house and personally share the reason for doing that directly to your face.

And that’d just be bloody horrible.

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A correction – yesterday we said that the Teen Choice Awards were the worst thing on Earth. We were wrong.

They’re the best thing on Earth. And we have Miley Cyrus to thank. Miley Cyrus performed Party In The USA at the Teen Choice Awards. While poledancing. On an ice cream cart. In a tiny pair of shorts. In front of children.

Miley’s routine has sparked outrage from parents. They’re not concerned that she’ll turn their impressionable children into poledancers, though – they’re worried that they’ll grow up to release a song as woeful as Party In The USA. And rightly so.

When you’re 16, you want to be an adult more than anything else on Earth. But in that rush to grow up, you rarely stop to enjoy being 16. You know, with all the the furtive masturbation, near-terminal acne, epic forests of bumfluff and catastrophic awkwardness that comes with it. And these are all things that Miley Cyrus risks missing out on – or at least she would if she didn’t have unusually clear skin, zero facial hair, the self-confidence of a cocaine-addled advertising copywriter and more money than you will ever see in your entire lifetime.

The point is, Miley Cyrus is desperate to be an adult. And there’s nothing wrong with that – in fact, it makes perfect business sense. Her tween fanbase is growing up, and if she doesn’t grow up with them, she runs the risk of essentially becoming a Chuckle Brother.

And that’s why Miley Cyrus has been gradually starting to do a number of perfectly normal things that adults do, like posing sort of topless in magazines with her dad and dragging her heels about her phenomenally successful kid’s TV show and getting a much older boyfriend who models knickers for a living.

And on Sunday at the Teen Choice Awards, Miley Cyrus reached the culmination of her transformation – she decided to entertain the assembled children by poledancing for them. Look…

It’s disgusting, isn’t it? Honestly, ripping off a band as crappy as the Red Hot Chili Peppers in such a flagrant way. Miley Cyrus should be ashamed. And we’re not the only ones upset by this performance. Parents are clamouring to express their outrage at the poledance and, according to Newdsay, so is child psychologist Wendi Fischer:

“She’s sending this message that this is ‘OK’ to do, and I don’t think it is OK to do. Miley’s only 16. Why is she rushing it?”

But we suspect that this outrage is all part of Miley’s grand career plan. Every time she goes out and does something like this, she slightly alters the public’s perception of her. It’s a little like what Britney Spears did when she transformed from a naughty schoolgirl into a fully-grown strumpet a few years ago. Miley Cyrus is just following the blueprint.

Admittedly it’s a blueprint that’ll result in Miley Cyrus, red-eyed and shaven-headed, smashing a car to pieces with an umbrella until she gets sectioned against her will, but you can’t say you weren’t expecting that to happen anyway, can you?

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Without irony or hyperbole, the Teen Choice Awards sounds like the worst place on the face of the planet.

Why? Because Robert Pattinson was there. And The Jonas Brothers were there. And it was held yesterday, in Los Angeles in the summer. And Robert Pattinson and The Jonas Brothers are famed for making teenage girls urinate uncontrollably. And the sun is famed for its ability to evaporate liquid. So put it together and what do you get? Piss clouds. You get thousands of people at the Teen Choice Awards inhaling giant clouds of each other’s piss.

Plus: Miley Cyrus! Ugh.

The People’s Choice Awards is probably the greatest awards show on Earth, because all the awards are chosen by the people. Specifically they’re chosen by the people who happen to be attention-starved, borderline-obese housewives with gigantic haircuts from ridiculous little towns who vote because they’re propelled by a warped determination to give Two And A Half Men the recognition that they wrongly assume it deserves.

What’s great about the People’s Choice Awards is that, thanks to its name, it makes all of humanity look like a collection of blundering dimwits who’d happily spend a full afternoon crashing into the same locked patio door again and again wondering why a wizard had decided to suddenly make the air go hard. Really, it’s excellent.

But what if the People’s Choice Awards isn’t crackpot enough for you? What if you want to combine the astonishing dunderheadedness of the People’s Choice Awards with an auditorium full of thousands of teenage girls who cry and scream at such a staggering volume that passers-by could quite easily be forgiven for assuming that they were witnessing all-out infanticide? Well in that case you need the Teen Choice Awards, which was held yesterday – presumably in an effort to keep the rest of the planet quieter and comparatively urine-free for a few hours.

The LA Times has news of the winners:

“Twilight” won 11 of its 12 Teen Choice Awards nominations… Robert Pattinson crushed Dev Patel, and Kristen Stewart beat Friedo Pinto. “Twilight” also claimed more offbeat categories such as best romance, liplock and rumble. Miley Cyrus claimed six kudos, including best comedy TV show, comedy actress, music/dance movie actress, hissy fit, music single and summer song.

In addition, The Jonas Brothers won five awards and Zac Efron picked up two. Not to be outdone, though, Britney Spears managed to pick up one Teen Choice Award as well. Ostensibly Britney took home the worryingly vague ‘Ultimate Choice Award’, although it doesn’t take a genius to see that she was only invited so that the winners’ collective management could hold her up and say “See? THIS is what happens to you if you stop listening to us! Now get out back out there and make us all rich before your testicles descend!”

But still, we’re sure that the likes of Twilight, Robert Pattinson, The Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus are all thrilled to have won their Teen Choice Awards. After all, no awards mean more thn ones voted for by a bunch of easily-manipulated hormonal wazzocks.

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Hot news just in! Miley Cyrus has got engaged! To a 53-year-old weirdo called Mark McLeod! In his mind! And nowhere else!

And, inevitably, he’s just been charged with trying to stalk her! According to reports, Mark McLeod – who’s already been arrested for stalking Miley Cyrus once – was caught disobeying police orders by visiting Miley’s movie set and asking strangers if they’d seen her. Well, Miley Cyrus does like her men, quite old, doesn’t she?

But the real question is, what did Mark McLeod see in the ridiculously wealthy and overtly sexual teenager Miley Cyrus? Maybe we’ll just never know.

Imagine being Miley Cyrus’ stalker. What a joyless existence that would be. First of all – what’s the point? Why go to the bother of hiding in a bush outside Miley Cyrus’ window for hours at a time waiting for her to get undressed when pictures of that exact thing already exist on the internet? And just going to Miley Cyrus’ house means that you run the risk of seeing Billy Ray Cyrus‘ stupid little beard up close – something that could easily drive a man to the edge of despair.

And, worst of all, what happens if your stalking pays off and Miley Cyrus falls in love with you? Then you’re stuck forever with a babbling, hyperactive 16-year-old girl who doesn’t so much talk as constantly shriek “OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD” as loud as she can millimetres away from your face 24 hours a day in a deceptively raspy old man’s voice. That is quite probably the literal definition of hell. You’d have to be a lunatic to want to stalk Miley Cyrus.

But, happily, that’s what Mark McLeod appears to be. He’s just been charged with attempting to stalk Miley Cyrus, after being arrested for it twice. Reports suggest that 53-year-old Mark McLeod was charged after police caught him 180 miles from his home on the set of Miley’s new movie, despite being told not to do that very thing last time he was arrested for taking an unnatural interest in her. What’s more, McLeod then apparently attempted to headbutt police officers as they arrested him, which never really helps matters.

Once he’d calmed down, though, it’s reported that McLeod admitted to sending hundreds of letters to Miley Cyrus in a short period of time, and his replies came in the form of secret coded messages addressed specifically to him on her TV shows and website. Oh, and last time he was arrested, Mark McLeod told the New York Daily News that he’d just got engaged to Miley, too:

He said he first saw her in concert in Orlando last year and since then “I’ve kinda been watching everything she does.” He told police in June they were secretly engaged after “our eyes met at her concert and we both knew.”… McLeod also insisted that her father, country singer Billy Ray Cyrus, had given him his blessing. He also promised to invite arresting officer Warren Millikan to their wedding.

It’s disgusting, isn’t it? Mark McLeod is clearly deluded. Miley Cyrus would never go for a man as old as him. Unless, you know, he was an underwear model or something, because then there’s possibly a slim chance that she might briefly consider it.

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Hollywood Records is a label imprint for the Walt Disney Company.

Therefore they have a truly horrible roster of ’stars’ like Hayden Panettiere and Vanessa Hudgens. Although I will pretty much listen to any tween piece of crap, some of this stuff is truly bone-chilling. The label pretty much makes its money solely on the premise that if teenagers like to see rubbish actors in movies, they will LOVE hearing them sing. Unfortunately for us, this appears to be true. Basically, being an artist on Hollywood records is like being a chef at McDonalds.

Prime examples after the jump…

Jesse McCartney – It’s Over

6,474,564 views

Jesse McCartney is the latest in a line of snivelling little girl singers, lisping his way through ballads about the kind of impossibly complex love and heartbreak only a 21-year-old whose voice hasn’t yet properly broken could ever hope to fathom. In this video he mopes around (as usual), enlisting the help of some deeply uninvested producers and one of Justin Timberlake’s set designers. The song sounds like something he found whilst digging though Babyface’s trash.

Hayden Panettiere - Wake Up Call

4,893,437 views

This is one of the most awful songs I have ever heard and I can honestly say I would rather be forced to watch someone murder and eat my family than have to listen to it again. Who the fuck wrote in a RAP!? I think the gist of the song is if your boyfriend stops paying attention to you you should have sex with someone else to remind that he loves you. If this doesn’t make sense to you, don’t worry, that just means you’re not a cretin.

Jonas Brothers – Burnin’ Up

15,186,494 views

The Jonas Brothers halfheartedly pretend to be interested in women and some paid actresses halfheartedly return the favour. Confused man-children with bad hair.

Vanessa Hudgens – Sneakernight

35,933,696 views

This song is pretty catchy, but whilst watching the video all I could think was ‘Heh heh heh. I’ve seen your minge.’

Insane Clown Posse – Down With The Clown (no seriously.)

17,467 views

WOOO! RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE! ANARCHY!

Corbin Bleu – Deal With It

1,382,976 views

Things that are probably less painful than this video:
Vivisection sans anaesthetic
Childbirth
Having a 300 pound woman repeatedly stamp on your testicles
Licking the crotch of one of Paris Hilton’s thongs and then having to deal with whatever diseases you contract.

Miley Cyrus – 7 Things
92,930,397 views

One of the only Hollywood Records artists I have nothing bad to say about because this song is awesome and so is Miley Cyrus. At 16 she’s already had three ‘erotic pic’ phone leaks and enjoys dating older men and perceived racial slurs. Someone for the kids to look up to, truly.

This was a guest blog by Amy Green from Interpol Groupies Wear Black. She means it, man.

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Kids, eh? It’s so hard to watch them grow up. Especially when they’re Miley Cyrus. But then again it’s always hard to watch her.

Miley Cyrus is starting to assert her independence. Until now, Miley had been doing this perfectly normally, like going out with an adult underwear model and being ludicrously rich enough to financially control her entire family, but now she’s crossed the line. How? Miley Cyrus has got her nose pierced.

So now Miley Cyrus is a punk. We’re excited to hear her raw, uncompromising new direction on forthcoming single Let’s Have A Punky Pyjama Party (Lalalalala).

Deep down, Miley Cyrus has always been a rebel. All the signs were there – the romance with the unsuitably older man, the tendency to strip off for photos at any given opportunity, the fearless mockery of arbitrarily-chosen racial groups, that song of hers that had rock guitars in it because a computer had analysed data from several focus groups in Miley’s key demographic and revealed that rock guitars would track well for her in a number of important new markets.

See? Miley Cyrus is bold. Miley Cyrus is single-minded. Miley Cyrus will not sell out – unless of course your definition of selling out involves giving away both your physical likeness and entire childhood to one of the world’s biggest entertainment companies and doing everything it orders you to do in exchange for cash, in which case there might be an argument that Miley Cyrus has sold out a little bit.

But in case you wanted some more proof, Miley Cyrus has just had her nose pierced. And it affected her dad Billy Ray Cyrus so strongly that he’s actually written a song about it, as he told Larry King:

“She said, ‘Daddy would you take me to get my nose pierced?’ I said, ‘Did you ask your mamma?’ and she said, ‘Mamma said I can do it if you would take me.’ We went to a little place in Studio City. I felt kind of nervous… You probably heard the song I wrote, Ready, Set, Don’t Go. It’s about that moment in a daddy’s life that you realise your little girl has grown up. It’s time for her to make her own decisions.”

Now you come to mention it, Billy Ray Cyrus, we think we have heard that song. Correct us if we’re wrong, but we believe it’s on the same album as the songs Don’t Forget Your Old Daddy, What Are We Going To Do For Money Once You Move Out and I Swear If You Stop Making Hannah Montana Now I’ll Be Completely Bloody Destitute (Is That What You Want?).

But anyway, it’s natural for a young girl like Miley Cyrus to want to branch out and make her own decisions. Mark our words, there’ll be a tattoo next. Unless some Disney-sanctioned focus groups decide that tattoos don’t send an appropriately aspirational message to her core markets, that is, in which case we’re probably wrong.

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Love is beautiful. Teenage love is magical. The love between a teenage girl and an adult underwear model is, um…

Oh, what’s the word we’re looking for? Creepy? Doomed to failure? Yes, either of those will probably do, actually. Because, readers, we’re sorry to report that Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston – the Posh and Becks of obnoxious teenage millionaires and uncomfortably older, professionally nude men – have split up. It’s on Twitter and everything.

It’s sad news, but it’s not completely bad. At least this way we know that Miley Cyrus’s next album will sound like bloody Joy Division or something.

Let’s get one thing clear right away. Miley Cyrus is no stranger to heartbreak. There’s the heartbreak of sacrificing a normal childhood to pursue fame and wealth. There’s the heartbreak of seeing every one of her adolescent flaws magnified by the world’s media. There’s the heartbreak of being seen out in public with her father and the facial hair he’s obviously styled on an old lady’s genitalia.

It’s true – just look at the titles of some Miley Cyrus songs: Let’s Get Crazy, Girl’s Night Out, Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah. If they’re not crystallised expressions of profound emotional torment, we don’t know what are. And it’s good that Miley Cyrus has this affinity with heartbreak, because the greatest romance of her entire life has just come to an end.

No, not the romance that Miley Cyrus had with that Jonas Brother, the other one. No, not the romance that Miley Cyrus clearly has with herself, the other other one. You know, the one with Justin Gaston – the 20-year-old underwear model who started going out with Miley Cyrus when she was 15. The love they had for one another was deep and pure and intense and we couldn’t think about it for more than 10 seconds without jumping into a bath and scrubbing ourselves clean with wire wool.

We’re not sure what Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston had in common – although we’re willing to guess that it was either a shared love of inappropriate disrobing or the fact that they both loved how rich Miley Cyrus was – but it doesn’t matter any more. As People reports, Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston have called it quits:

In recent days, Miley Cyrus and Justin Gaston have taken to their separate Twitter pages with messages of woe. “Tears are words the heart can’t express,” Cyrus, 16, wrote Sunday night. Gaston, 20, tweeted the next morning, “How many tears are in there? They’ve gotta run out soon, right?… No official reason has been given for the breakup.

Wow, Justin, that was cold. The poor girl’s clearly distraught over all of this, and the best you can do is openly hope that she dies of dehydration? Looks like someone was in the wrong queue when God was handing out compassion. Admittedly the queue he ended up in was the queue for dreamy eyes and rock-hard abs and hair so thick you could fall asleep in it, but… hang on, what was our point again? Oh, never mind.

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We don’t know how the Hannah Montana movie ended. We didn’t see the Hannah Montana movie. We hit puberty several years ago.

We assumed that we knew how the Hannah Montana movie would end, though – with Miley Cyrus getting hit in the face with an asteroid then bitten in half by a dinosaur, who then barfs her back up into Billy Ray Cyrus’s crying face. Because movies like that need an feelgood climax, don’t they?

But apparently that’s not how the Hannah Montana movie ended, because Miley Cyrus is making another season. And no mention of regurgitated dino-puke, either. Disappointing.

Thanks to her phenomenal successes in the worlds of TV, film, music, videogames and breathtakingly cynical merchandise, Miley Cyrus never has to work again. It’d be quite nice if someone could pass on that message to her, wouldn’t it?

Because at the moment, Miley Cyrus doesn’t seem to want to stop working at all. We’re not sure why that is – maybe she realises that she’s as popular now as she’s ever going to be and wants to maximise on it while she can, or maybe her showbusiness childhood has left her equating work with attention, or maybe she realises that if she stopped working she’d have nothing better to do than stay at home pondering on how exactly identical her dad’s face is to a human vagina – but it’s true.

So true, in fact, that despite apparently trying to leave the show last year and seeming utterly hacked off about making the movie, Miley Cyrus has decided to churn out another season of Hannah Montana. Reuters reports:

Disney Channel has closed a deal for a fourth season of the blockbuster series starring Miley Cyrus. There had been questions about whether Cyrus would return to the series that made her a global star… As part of the deal, Cyrus will get a long hiatus to work on the feature “The Last Song.”

We’re just guessing here, but we’d imagine that this will be the last season of Hannah Montana ever. And rightly so – it’s wise for Miley Cyrus to bow out of the tween market before she, say, embarrasses herself with a set of risque photos. Oh, wait, she’s already done that. Well, OK, before she hooks up with a much-older boyfriend who poses in his pants for a living. Oh, hang on, she’s done that too.

Before Miley Cyrus’s voice gets so deep and hoarse that when most viewers tune into an episode of Hannah Montana they assume they’re watching a foreign version that’s been dubbed using nothing but professional Tibetan throat singers and broken lawn strimmers? Before everyone gets completely sick of seeing her face everywhere? What? Miley Cyrus has already done both of those things too?

You’re not exactly making this easy for us here, Miley. Buck up.

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Miley Cyrus is just like any teenage girl. So long as they’ve got millions of dollars, global fame and a terrifying thirst for power, too.

So Miley Cyrus understands teenage problems. Like when your dad hogs the jacuzzi and then buys you the wrong colour pony as an apology. Or when your older boyfriend gets all like “Sorry baby, I’m flying off to Monaco for a fashion shoot,” and you’re all like “Whatever.”

And, like all teenage girls, Miley Cyrus is conscious of her weight. We know this because someone called her fat and she won’t shut up about it.

There are certain things you can and can’t say about Miley Cyrus. You can say, for instance, that Miley Cyrus’ dad has a face that looks like a human vagina. You can say that Miley Cyrus has a speaking voice that makes her sound like the baddie in a terrifying East European educational cartoon about the dangers of playing near electricity pylons from the late 1970s. You can also say that Miley Cyrus speaks so fast, so often and with such an overwhelmingly unearned air of authority that sometimes you wish she’d just lock herself in a cupboard and stay there forever.

But you can’t say that Miley Cyrus is fat.

This is because Miley Cyrus isn’t fat. Everybody knows that she isn’t fat, thanks to her constant borderline-obsessive dedication to taking half-naked pictures of herself so often that you could probably make a fairly illegal four-hour flickbook animation of her if you stapled all the photos all together.

In fact, we’d even go as far as saying that anyone who claims that Miley Cyrus is fat deserves everything they get. And since ‘everything they get’ essentially means ‘weeks and weeks of annoying, over-exaggerated yap-yap-yap-yap from Miley Cyrus’, you can tell we’re being quite hardline about this.

So when some internet critics decided to make fat jokes about Miley Cyrus after she said something about her thighs jiggling recently, it was only a matter of time before Miley did then inevitable and fired back on Twitter with as much self-righteousness as possible. Reuters reports:

“Talk all you want. I have my flaws. I’m a normal girl there’s things about my body I would change, but stop calling me f*t,” she wrote. “I don’t even like the word. Those remarks that you hateful people use are fighting words, the ones that scar people and cause them to do damage to themselves or others.” Cyrus said people spending too much time on gossip websites should read their Bible.

Jesus, you idiots. Look what you’ve done. We’re never going to hear the end of this now. Don’t you know that ‘fat’ is the worst thing you call a teenage girl like Miley Cyrus? It’s even worse than ’self-obsessed’ and ‘deluded’ and ‘more annoying than everything else on Earth combined’.

Besides, as we’ve already said, Miley Cyrus isn’t even fat. Well, not at the moment, anyway. Give it 20 years until she starts using cakes and pies as a substitute for the drugs that she’ll invariably become addicted to at some point in the next decade, and then we’ll talk, OK?

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When Jamie Foxx said that he wanted Miley Cyrus to catch Chlamydia from a bike, he messed with the wrong dude.

Or the right dude. He messed with Billy Ray Cyrus. And now Billy Ray Cyrus wants blood. “It was hurtful,” he said, before adding “If anyone is going to turn Miley Cyrus into a disease-ridden drug addict it’ll be me and my relentless desire to piggyback vicariously on her wealth and fame regardless of the cost. Not Jamie Foxx. ME!”

Just to clear that up, Billy Ray Cyrus didn’t actually say that last bit. He probably thought it, though.

In many ways, Billy Ray Cyrus is just a normal dad who wants the best for his kids. True, when we say ‘normal’ we mean ‘in the clutches of such a startling mid-life crisis that he appears to have strapped a vagina onto his chin’ and when we say ‘wants the best for his kids’ we mean ‘wants to push his kids into the brutal world of showbusiness so that he can live in a quite big house’, but you get the jist.

So when a man – no, worse than a man, an actor from the movie Stealth – uses his radio show to spew out a torrent of inappropriate hatred about his teenage daughter, then Billy Ray Cyrus has no choice but to stop thinking rationally.

And that’s what happened after Jamie Foxx started to rant about Miley Cyrus on his radio show this weekend, suggesting that Miley Cyrus should take heroin and crack and become a lesbian and make a sex tape. Although Jamie Foxx made a grovelling apology to Miley Cyrus on TV a few days ago, it was too late. Billy Ray Cyrus’ blood surged. He saw nothing but red. Generations of boiling testosterone welled up inside him until he was forced to take the most furious course of action available to him.

That’s right – Billy Ray Cyrus went on a daytime television programme to describe how badly Jamie Foxx had hurt his feelings. Yesterday Billy Ray Cyrus told Bonnie Hunt:

“It was hurtful. There wasn’t nothing funny about it. And, quite frankly, I think if I said those things about his daughter, he might not find it so comedic.”

Oh Billy Ray Cyrus, don’t stop there. We know you’re dying to do it – say something about Jamie Foxx’s daughter. And remember, it has to be worse than wishing she’d become a lesbian heroin addict, or it doesn’t count. Go on, include a couple of sailors and a horny monkey into the insult. Give her a beak. Set it in space. You can do it, Billy Ray Cyrus! We believe in you!

Actually, we’re being highly inconsiderate here. What father wouldn’t fight back against a slur about his daughter? Also, remember that he’s essentially doing us all a favour – the more Billy Ray Cyrus speaks out about Jamie Foxx, the less Miley Cyrus has to. And, quite frankly, every second that we don’t have to look at Miley Cyrus’ face or hear her stupid voice is a second that we don’t want to hurl ourselves off the nearest bridge.

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Jamie Foxx is a comedian. No, really, he is. He’s a comedian. That’s why The Soloist is such a laugh-riot. He’s a comedian.

You know what that means. Sometimes Jamie Foxx has been known to push the boundaries of taste. Maybe he’ll make an off-colour remark here, or embark upon an entire offensive movie career there. And that’s because Jamie Foxx is a comedian. It’s what he does. But there’s a line.

And that line is roughly located right before you suggest that Miley Cyrus should become a lesbian crack addict, if Jamie’s grovelling apology is anything to go by.

Jamie Foxx is a modern-day renaissance man. We think. ‘Renaissance man’ does mean that you do a lot of things but none of them particularly well, doesn’t it? Anyway, you just need to look at Jamie Foxx’s biography to know we’re right. He’s tried everything – acting on TV, acting in a fairly balanced selection of decent and appalling films, making three R&B albums that genuinely couldn’t be any less essential if they were made out of butter, deliberately misspelling his surname in order to make him seem like a massive show-off turd – everything.

But at heart Jamie Foxx has always been a comedian, and his lifelong inability to ever say or do anything even remotely amusing shouldn’t detract from that. Why, just the other day Jamie Foxx decided to use his Sirius radio show to turn his comedy spotlight onto 16-year-old Miley Cyrus:

“Who is Miley Cyrus? The one with all the gums? She’s got to get a gum transplant! … make a sex tape and grow up. Get like Britney Spears and do some heroin. Do like Lindsay Lohan and start seeing a lesbian and get some crack in your pipe. Catch chlamydia on a bicycle seat… That’s what I want.”

However, Jamie Foxx is nothing if not a realist. He’s seen how similar outbursts by comedians like Michael Richards and Mel Gibson have threatened to put an end to their careers – plus they were only offending entire communities, not anything serious like a solitary teenage millionaire – which is why Jamie Foxx decided the only way to put everything right was to go on Jay Leno and apologise relentlessly like a child or a woman would. Jamie said:

“I so apologize … and this is sincere. I am a comedian, and you guys know that whatever I say, I don’t mean any of it. I have a radio show… We’re really the black Howard Stern. We go at everybody. There was a situation with Miley Cyrus, and I just want to say, I apologize for what I said. I didn’t mean it maliciously. You know I’m a comedian. You know my heart. Miley, I apologize, so I’ll call you. I got a daughter too, so I completely understand.”

Nice try, Jamie Foxx, but this strikes us as too little too late. The wheels of outrage have already been set in motion, and they’re going to trundle along until they reach their inevitable messy conclusion. And when that happens, and Miley Cyrus records 15 hour-long YouTube videos ranting away at how much of a douchebag Jamie Foxx is with her stupid insufferable voice until we all have strokes and die, Jamie will have nobody to blame but himself.

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Did you know that Miley Cyrus designed and built the Large Hadron Collider completely by herself? Well she did.

Because Miley Cyrus is intelligent. She says she’s more intelligent than any of us think. Admittedly that’s not hard – our intellectual expectations of Miley Cyrus are so low that she could burn the side of her face by confusing a hot iron for a ringing telephone and then spend three hours repeatedly clattering into a closed patio door with a confused look on her face and we’d still be impressed.

Miley Cyrus didn’t invent the Large Hadron Collider, by the way.

This is set to be one of the biggest weekends of Miley Cyrus’ life. No, not because she’s threatened to financially alienate her parents forever unless they buy her an Easter egg that’s the exact size and density of Luxembourg, it’s because tomorrow sees the start of her career as an above-the-title movie star with the release of Hannah Montana: The Movie.

It’s a big risk for Miley Cyrus to take – although signs are good thanks to the success of her other film work like that 3D concert movie of hers and Bolt, the comparative failure of the Jonas Brothers movie could be a sign that the tween bubble is about to burst. Also, anyone who pays to see Hannah Montana: The Movie is a galactic tosspot who deserves to fail in every aspect of their life.

Not that Miley Cyrus is worried about any of it, though. She’s got it all planned out. You know why? Because Miley Cyrus is so much smarter than anyone gives her credit for. Sure, she doesn’t go to school, she shares 50% of her DNA with the performer of the worst song in history and she’s so rich that she’s constantly surrounded by people who’ll tell her she’s right even when she’s obviously, glaringly wrong. But still, Miley Cyrus says she’s smart so she must be smart. Look, this is what she told Reuters:

“I almost feel like people think of me as dumb,” said Cyrus, who recently created her own personal “Rumor Patrol” blog on MileyCyrus.com. “I’m like, I’m smarter than you think. You know, I understand what you’re trying to do. It’s all a mind game and what not… It’s really important to me that people think of me as a real artist.”

Oh screw it. You know what? Yes, Miley Cyrus, you are more intelligent than we thought. Those semi-naked pictures of yourself that you posted on the internet were obviously a challenging statement about the media’s sexual idealisation of youth. And that time you made your eyes all slitty in an uncomfortably racist-seeming photograph? Clearly a comment on western paranoia due to the emergence of China as a new global superpower based in part on the teachings of Fareed Zakaria in his tome The Post-American World.

And all that other mental crap that comes spurting out of Miley Cyrus’ mouth like a constant torrent of clueless, badly-thought-out sewage that everybody does their best to ignore but can’t? Well that just proves that Miley Cyrus functions on a much, much higher level than the rest of us. Either that or she’s just preposterously gormless. Who knows?

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Everyone knows that Robert Pattinson has two main target markets – hysterical teenage girls and lonely old women.

So Miley Cyrus should be perfect for him. Miley’s got a little bit of both Robert Pattinson fans in her – the enthusiasm and breathless cadence of a teenage girl, plus the speaking voice and dead-eyed world-weary cynicism of very, very old lady.

But what’s this? Miley Cyrus doesn’t like Robert Pattinson? And she doesn’t think anyone else likes Robert Pattinson either? And she dedicated an entire 19-word throwaway aside in a stupid magazine for objectionable children to the subject? This means WAR! Possibly.

Although you’d imagine that Twilight hit home hardest with the legions of hormone-spazzed 14-year-old girls who ensured that every screening of the movie had to be followed by four hours of underpaid cinema workers mopping up the involuntary piss tsunami that accompanied every single scene of the breeze catching Robert Pattinson’s dreamy hair, you’re wrong.

In actual fact, the people most affected by Twilight were the small army of Disney-created tween stars. Knowing that it’d be patently absurd for them to carry on singing songs about how special everyone is on the inside by the time they’d started to sprout pubes, the likes of Vanessa Hudgens and The Jonas Brothers all lobbied for roles in the Twilight sequel, seeing it as the ideal career stepping stone between being a tween sensation and an adult hasbeen with a number of debilitating substance abuse problems.

But one tween wasn’t having any of this Twilight malarkey. And that’s Miley Cyrus. Miley Cyrus wants nothing to do with Twilight for the following reasons:

1 – Miley Cyrus still successful in her own right.

2 – To remain in keeping with her career so far, Miley Cyrus would contractually want Twilight 2 renamed Miley Cyrus In Twilight 2: Miley’s Craziest Adventure Yet!!

3 – If Miley Cyrus wants to be around creepy, otherworldly vampires all day, she can just hang out with her dad.

Also, Miley Cyrus doesn’t even like Robert Pattinson that much. She even told Teen Vogue that exact thing. Look:

“I’m not a huge Rob Pattinson fan. Girls aren’t really in love with Rob; they’re in love with ['Twilight' hero] Edward.”

What? Miley Cyrus, how dare you! Suggesting that girls don’t really love Robert Pattinson just because in person he’s sort of wooden and awkward and smells like heated-up animal dung? Don’t you realise that you’ve just alienated your entire fanbase here? Don’t make them pick between Robert Pattinson and you, Miley Cyrus. It can only end one way – sure, you might have broad commercial appeal, but until you’ve played such a transparently idealised version of masculinity that an entire generation of females will grow up depressed that you can never be theirs, you’re doomed to lose.

We guess we can write off the chances of seeing a Robert Pattinson/ Miley Cyrus romance too, then. Oh, who are we kidding – it was never going to happen. After all, Miley Cyrus is 16 years old and Robert Pattinson is 22. Judging by her previous form, that makes Robert about a decade too young for Miley.

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