We live in a world where, astonishingly, Mike Tyson is actively encouraged to sing. And not any old tune. We live in a world where Mike Tyson is encouraged to sing The Girl From Ipanema.

We’ve all been waiting for a boxer to go Bossa Nova haven’t we?

Better yet, is that Mike Tyson is a convicted rapist and yet, for some reason, he continues to get work in movies and television. It must be great for Desiree Washington to see him enjoying the life of a celebrity again, right? Anyway, if you want to see him sing, get over the jump.

Of course, Iron Mike has always been a treat for the ears hasn’t he? Just ask Evander Holyfield who got half of his bitten off by Tyson some years ago in a boxing match.

That’s not really what we mean. We’d like to focus on his lisp. If you don’t know the lyrics for the song, Mike sings them something like this:

“Tall and tan and young and lovely, the girl from Ipanema goeth walking, and when thee passes each one thee patheth goeth “a-a-ah!” When thee walkth thee’s like a thamba that, thwingth tho cool and thwayth tho gentle, that when thee patheth each one thee patheth goeth “aaaaah!”"

There’s also a lovely bit that goes:

“But each day when thee walkth to the thea, thee lookth thtraight ahead not at me”

Anyway, you can watch one of the most dangerous and unsettling men to ever walk the Earth look a bit stupid in a white suit on Brazilian television.

HAVE FUN.

When you were a child, chances are that your dreams of an older you revolved around being an astronaut, a surgeon, a model or something astonishingly vapid which, rightly, saw you roundly mocked by adults when you went to bed.

However, if you’re Michelle Williams, your dream was to attack Mike Tyson in the face ’til bits of it broke off.

That’s right, the Brokeback actress has ‘fessed up that, when she was a smaller version of herself, her dream was to be a professional boxer so she could take on the former heavyweight champion of the world. If his court cases are anything to go off, he may well have been up for battering a girl in the ring.

You heard.

Williams, also a former member of RnB combo Destiny’s Child, wanted to be a boxer when she was little and dreamt about putting some gloves on and continually punching someone until they were unconscious.

She said:

“First I wanted to be a boxer. I don’t know why but I wanted to fight Mike Tyson. That was the dream.”

Thankfully, that nice face of hers remained unpunched as she became an actress. Which you knew, but we need to include things like that to lead to the next section of the article.

Instead, when she was 15, she ran away to become an actress and ended up in maudlin, soul-searchathon, Dawson’s Creek.

“I started doing plays when I was eight. I always wanted to act. At 16, I moved away to Los Angeles. [Emancipation] is basically like divorcing them. You have to prove that you are emotionally and financially stable and independent. You have to have graduated high school and you have to prove that you can live alone.

“I did one commercial at first every six months and that was enough.”

And now she’s all set to play Marilyn Monroe in ‘My Week with Marilyn’ and all that junk.

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Aww! Does everyone remember Iron Mike Tyson? You remember him right? Sure you do! He’s the cuddly, wuddly man with a tiger for a pet and a funny little mouse voice who used to punch people for a living!

Yeah! That guy!

Of course, since his boxing days were over, he went onto do to a whole bunch of wholesome stuff! Most notably, getting convicted of raping a woman, getting a dodgy tattoo around his eye socket and, the worst of all his crimes, starring in dismal film, The Hangover! And now, he’s kissing pigeons and whispering “I wuv you” to them where their ears are supposed to be.

Television is, as we all know, a very moral place. The news the channels carry condemn and hound people who do wrong. It must be really galling for network CEOs to do all that work which is obviously in the interest of us plebs, only to later bankroll projects featuring convicted rapists and lining the pockets of a man who once bit someone’s ear off.

And so, Mike Tyson has a new reality TV show where we get to see him in action as a pigeon fancier.

It’s probably fair to say that this show is a modern equivalent of chucking rotten tomatoes at someone in the stocks. Seeing Tyson cooing at a pigeon isn’t designed to endear us all to him, rather, it opens the floor for mockery and laughter.

Still, they are going to be giving him a wage, so we look forward greatly to network giving Gary Glitter a shot at showing us all just how much he enjoys grooming. We presume that ‘grooming’ means looking after sick horses or combing the fringes of Yorkshire terriers.

Anyway, back to Iron Mike.

We’ll get the chance to laugh at him while he stands neck deep (let us not forget that Tyson is roughly 8 inches tall) in pigeon faeces in a coop while he resembles the Birdman of Alcatraz, prepping his birds for big races.

Tyson says:

“This is something that has really brought meaning to me and my life”

“This is not a hobby. This is something we’re going to do until the day we die. I love being in my pigeon world. It brings me a calm.”

It was in Pigeon World where Tyson threw his first punch when he was a kid.

When some kid twisted the head off one of his birds, a life of punching people in the face was born.

“That was the first time I threw a punch”

“This is an amazing opportunity, to show why I love these birds and how great this sport is. The pigeons are always loyal and loving. And racing pigeons is on a different level but is as competitive and intense as boxing.”

God. This is tragic isn’t it?

Even we don’t have the heart to continue this line of mockery. He was a superhuman boxer once and now, look at him. A convicted rapist who only has pigeons for friends. It’s gut wrenching.

*downs bottle of strychnine*

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Yes dear readers, ANOTHER look-what-Mel-Gibson-has-done-now-isn’t-he-a-big-bucket-of-mad story.

Well actually, no. It’s more that some faceless drones in that vicious meat grinder that we call Hollywood have decided that Mad Ol’ Mel is a little too mad for them to work with.  That cameo in The Hangover 2 we told you about, just ain’t happening any more.

Which means, once again, Hecklerspray has built up your expectations and then cruelly pissed all over them.

Now that you are dripping wet in metaphors we’ll further your soggy discomfort by claiming that Hangover 2 WILL NOT be as good as the first. It just won’t.  Yes, there’s your Zach Galifianakis, Bradley Coopers, a light sprinkling of Ed Helms and Justin Bartha to taste. And yes, Todd Phillips is driving the whole thing.

But it still wont be as good.

But anyway, back to the story. This is actually about Mel not being allowed to play. Why is this? Because he’s just not nice enough. Todd Phillips had planned to cast Gibson as a tattoo artist, and obviously, hilarity would surely follow.  Instead his cast and crew have taken a dim view of Mel’s compilation box set of threatening calls to his ex-girlfriend, Oksana Grigorieva*.

We’re pretty sure that the LAPD’s investigation into domestic abuse in the Gibson household didn’t really help.

Phillips was ever-so-nice about it all, gave everyone a big group hug and said:

“I realize film-making is a collaborative effort and this decision ultimately did not have the full support of my entire cast and crew.”

A spokesman for Gibson rolled his eyes and shrugged in a ‘whatever’ gesture.

Wait, hang on a sec. The cast and crew don’t want to work with Gibson because of his poor phone manner and is innocent until proven guilty of being a bully. Yet the same bunch gladly worked with Mike Tyson?!

Mike Tyson,  the convicted rapist.

Mike Tyson, the guy who tried tried to bite of  Evander Holyfield’s ear.

Mike Tyson, the Phil Collins fan!

You’ve got to be pretty freaking mental to be labelled as more of a dick than Mike Tyson.

*NOW! That’s what I call crazy.  Available for Christmas.

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You never know what you’re going to get when you meet Mike Tyson. Is he going to punch you? Is he going to rape you?

Both? You just don’t know. And that’s what makes Mike Tyson such a lovably violent convicted rapist. So it must have come as something of a relief to a photographer at LAX yesterday when Mike Tyson only decided to punch him. Allegedly. Mike Tyson has been arrested for allegedly punching a paparazzo at LAX.

Brilliantly, Mike Tyson also reportedly performed a citizen’s arrest on the photographer while he was at it. Yep, say what you like the convicted drug-possessing rapist who brutally attacks people in the face for a living, but that man sure knows how to uphold the law.

There’s something about LAX that just turns people mental. It’s the airport that made Scott Stapp get abusively drunk. It’s the airport that made Kanye West act like slightly more of a dick than usual. It’s the airport that made Bai Ling from one episode of Lost steal some batteries because her boyfriend dumped her and she was sad. And now we can add Mike Tyson to that list.

Actually, that’s unfair. We shouldn’t add Mike Tyson to the list of people turned mental by LAX. We should do the decent thing, consider his history of violent outbursts, notice the giant tattoo that obscures most of his face and add him to the list of people who are already mental and just happened to be passing through LAX. Yes, that’s much better.

Anyway, the basic story is that Mike Tyson has been arrested and held on bail after allegedly attacking a photographer at LAX. The slightly more complex story is that the photographer allegedly started fighting back and the scuffle ended with both of them rolling around the floor trying to put the other one in a citizen’s arrest. People reports:

“The two men got into a scuffle, and it’s alleged that Tyson hit the photographer once in the face with one hand, causing him to fall to the ground,” [Sgt] Holcomb says. “The photographer sustained a laceration to the forehead and was taken to a local hospital.” … “Mr. Tyson did absolutely nothing wrong, he was the victim in this case,” his attorney tells PEOPLE.

Hey, let’s cut Mike Tyson some slack here. All his life he’s been conditioned to punch people in the face as hard as he can, so that’s just his natural response to hostile situations. Plus, let’s look at this objectively. Did Mike Tyson threaten to rip out the stomach of the photographer? No. Did Mike Tyson threaten to eat the photographer’s children? No. Did he bite most of the photographer’s ear off during the scuffle? No. So he was only mucking around.

And, you know, he was quite funny in The Hangover. And stuff. Look, our point is this – we don’t want Mike Tyson to beat us up. Or rape us, for that matter. But mainly the first one.

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10 - What’s that? You want a gif of Gordon Ramsay pawing a woman on the boob? - Kuonji

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8 - If Lost characters told the truth. Splendid – Cracked

7 - The best page on Amazon. Fact – Amazon

6 - Female? Like chocolate? Moronically susceptible to marketing? Then you’ll love this – NPR

5 - Just in case you were planning on getting any sleep tonight, here’s a news story with the headline ‘Daddy Ate My Eyes’ – Kget

4 - If Mike Tyson made motivational posters – Sploshspot

3 – Ryan Reynolds in ‘does something almost watchable’ shock – Funnyordie

2 - Most of the funny parts from 30 Rock, all on one page – Unlikelywords

1 – This is wonderful. Guess the song before the halfway point, please…

History’s most controversial boxer reveals every facet of his violent sporting career in James Toback’s documentary film Tyson.

From his early days as a hood to heavyweight champion of the world and jail-time in between, you’ll find that Mike Tyson is just another human. The film lands heavy punches with its classic quotes, revealing footage and in-depth look at Tyson’s personality.

You’ll see the boxer at his very best and worst as he talks about his children, kicks off in front of cameras and brands promoter Don King as a ‘reptilian motherf***r ‘ and – most surprising of all – his tearful reminiscence of his mentor and trainer Cus D’Amato.

Tyson drops his guard and allows Toback to tell a story that covers every angle of the fight. With unforgettable events, priceless gaffes, superb production and some of the most brutal matches of the 20th century, Tyson scores a knockout blow.

[story by Alex de Moller]