Aww! Does everyone remember Iron Mike Tyson? You remember him right? Sure you do! He’s the cuddly, wuddly man with a tiger for a pet and a funny little mouse voice who used to punch people for a living!
Yeah! That guy!
Of course, since his boxing days were over, he went onto do to a whole bunch of wholesome stuff! Most notably, getting convicted of raping a woman, getting a dodgy tattoo around his eye socket and, the worst of all his crimes, starring in dismal film, The Hangover! And now, he’s kissing pigeons and whispering “I wuv you” to them where their ears are supposed to be.
Television is, as we all know, a very moral place. The news the channels carry condemn and hound people who do wrong. It must be really galling for network CEOs to do all that work which is obviously in the interest of us plebs, only to later bankroll projects featuring convicted rapists and lining the pockets of a man who once bit someone’s ear off.
And so, Mike Tyson has a new reality TV show where we get to see him in action as a pigeon fancier.
It’s probably fair to say that this show is a modern equivalent of chucking rotten tomatoes at someone in the stocks. Seeing Tyson cooing at a pigeon isn’t designed to endear us all to him, rather, it opens the floor for mockery and laughter.
Still, they are going to be giving him a wage, so we look forward greatly to network giving Gary Glitter a shot at showing us all just how much he enjoys grooming. We presume that ‘grooming’ means looking after sick horses or combing the fringes of Yorkshire terriers.
Anyway, back to Iron Mike.
We’ll get the chance to laugh at him while he stands neck deep (let us not forget that Tyson is roughly 8 inches tall) in pigeon faeces in a coop while he resembles the Birdman of Alcatraz, prepping his birds for big races.
Tyson says:
“This is something that has really brought meaning to me and my life”
“This is not a hobby. This is something we’re going to do until the day we die. I love being in my pigeon world. It brings me a calm.”
It was in Pigeon World where Tyson threw his first punch when he was a kid.
When some kid twisted the head off one of his birds, a life of punching people in the face was born.
“That was the first time I threw a punch”
“This is an amazing opportunity, to show why I love these birds and how great this sport is. The pigeons are always loyal and loving. And racing pigeons is on a different level but is as competitive and intense as boxing.”
God. This is tragic isn’t it?
Even we don’t have the heart to continue this line of mockery. He was a superhuman boxer once and now, look at him. A convicted rapist who only has pigeons for friends. It’s gut wrenching.
*downs bottle of strychnine*
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