If Kate Gosselin plays her cards right she could soon be the flagship of two TV shows.

Jon & Kate Plus 8 being the first, of course. That’s obvious. Her second show isn’t as conventional. That’s because Hugh Hefner has recently offered to pay to digitally add Gosselin to every single Diane-episode of Cheers that was ever filmed. Using Forrest Gump technology she’d be seen sitting between Norm & Cliff gnawing on pretzels & slobbery mail bags.

We would watch that. What we wouldn’t watch is anything where-in her clothes were off. That, in actuality, is where Hefner enters the story.

Well it’s good news and bad news for Kate Gosselin. The good news is that even though her husband hates her now and wishes she was never born, Hugh Hefner still finds her endlessly fascinating. Of course, given his age this could just be because she wears so many bright colours and styles her hair like a pregnant chicken, but still, she’s got what it takes to catch a man’s attention.

Hugh Hefner does find himself wondering what her magical milk-makers look like under all those shirts though, and he’d wager most men in America are desperate to know too.

He’s wrong, of course, but he’s allegedly offered her $400,000 to find out anyway. This according to the New York Daily News:

The octomom is said to have received a $400,000 offer from Hef to take it all off for Playboy, but she doesn’t plan to reveal her lady bits in the nudie mag. “Hugh sent her a letter, but Kate was totally mortified and threw it away! She didn’t think it was appropriate because of the children.”

Sorry Hugh, but it seems Kate is keeping her privies private. Jon, on the other hand, offered to sell this picture of what Kate usually looks like for under $10,000:

That’s a right steal, if you ask us – and authentically realistic! Still not good enough? Well that’s because you’re a hungry-eyed pervert. One thing you’ll have to look forward to though, pervert, is a glimpse of the extracted stomach skin Kate had removed in her tummy tuck surgery. Gosselin’s far to modest to pose for the cold, cold camera, but she’ll sure let you see her former front-flab. It’s been flying at a leathery half-mast in her yard ever since that last Kennedy died – just a’ flappin’ in the wind. Bravely flappin’. Flappin’ for America.

We hear it’s getting it’s own show on Spike TV.

We honestly heard that.

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But cool your jets, world. Pete Wentz doesn’t roll like those other celebrity idiots. True, he does roll like those other celebrity idiots in that he’s got a stupid haircut, a humiliatingly-named baby and he married one of the Simpson girls without really thinking it through first, but Pete Wentz definitely isn’t selling his baby photos to a magazine.

Bronx Mowgli’s just too precious for that. Plus it’ll mean that now Pete’ll make a crapload from selling the reality TV show rights. A crapload.

We don’t know about you, but we’re all celebrity babied out this week. Seriously, Ricky Martin’s mechanically-farmed twins have absolutely given us our fill of looking at the offspring of people we almost certainly wouldn’t be able to spend more than 30 seconds around in public before hurling ourselves out of the nearest window.

So we should be thankful to Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson, then, because they’ve decided not to sell pictures of their baby Bronx Mowgli Wentz to the highest bidder. On his blog, Pete Wentz wrote:

About baby pics gossip: truth is like every celeb couple we were offered mounds and mounds of money by mags from here to Guam to pimp out the baby. We just don’t want to go down that road with him. We are not placing judgment on those that do as they often use the money in a very charitable way. However, we have made the decision to not sell Bronx’s baby pictures right now.

That’s a shame, because we heard that babies created by half of the rhythm section from a second-rate emo band and a woman who’s famous because she’s the sister of a woman with moviestar pretensions even though she’s never been in a single decent movie tend to go for millions.

But still, it’s weirdly noble that Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson have decided not to sell their baby photos to a magazine for cash. And we’re sure that Bronx Mowgli will grow up to be eternally grateful because they chose not to exchange a photo of him looking like an unrecognisable lump of flesh for millions of dollars that they could have put in a trust fund to pay for his education. Really.

Oh, we’re just kidding. Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson obviously want their son to be brought up as normally as possibly – at least until little Bronx Mowgli realises that not every child has a name that’s a composite of a geographical location and a Disney character, of course, because that’s the day that Bronx Mowgli will be arrested for stabbing his parents to death, and that isn’t very normal at all.

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She must have, because Jessica Alba is on the cover of this week’s OK! magazine with her new baby daughter Honor Marie and we’ll be blowed if Alba Jr doesn’t have the fullest head of hair we’ve ever seen on any single living creature ever. It’s astounding.

At least, we’re assuming that Jessica Alba’s daughter has a thick head of hair. For all we know it could be a wig covering up for the time when Honor Marie went out, got drunk and had ‘I hated The Love Guru’ tattooed across her bald scalp deliberately to try and spite Jessica Alba and sabotage her big-money covershoot. In fact, screw it, let’s just say that’s what happened anyway.

Jessica Alba really couldn’t have picked a worse time to have her baby, could she? Usually when a female celebrity has a baby, their profile shoots up and everyone thinks they’re wonderful, but that hasn’t really happened with Jessica Alba.

The truth is that people don’t care too much about Jessica Alba’s baby because they’re all babied-out. Nicole Kidman had a baby and Jamie Lynn Spears had a baby and Angelina Jolie had two babies and so just even thinking about Jessica Alba’s baby makes people want to hurt themselves, to be honest. It makes them want to hurt themselves in the eyes.

However, although Jessica Alba is so bland that she can’t drum up attention towards her baby without falling back on the old sexy talk, young Honor Marie had a genius wheeze up her sleeve – she made sure that she was born with an adult male’s haircut.

Perfect – and with a USP like rampant man-hair, Jessica Alba managed to sell her baby photos to OK! magazine for a cool $1.5 million. The fact that Honor Marie was born looking like a model in a poster on the wall of a small-town British barbershop in the mid-1980s wasn’t really brought up in the accompanying interview, but we know. We all know.

Anyway, Jessica Alba and her husband Cash Warren told OK!:

“She looks like a girl version of me,” Cash says. “She has my nose, my eyebrows and my…” “Forehead and dimples,” Jessica finishes, adding, “She has my mouth when I was a baby. And my ears.” “Maybe Honor is a mixture,” Cash reconsiders. “I want her to look like me, because a daughter looking like Jessica, I’d kill myself!”

What? Cash Warren would kill himself if his daughter looked like Jessica Alba? If she looked like his own famously beautiful wife? What an odd thing to say. Does that mean:

a) Cash Warren would kill himself because he thinks that Jessica Alba is really ugly?

b) Cash Warren would kill himself in advance so he wouldn’t have to deal with the boyfriends that a girl who looks like Jessica Alba would inevitably be swamped with? Or

c) Cash Warren would kill himself out of shame for finding his daughter attractive?

We genuinely don’t know, but it’s a weird quote to put in an interview accompanying the first public pictures of your child. Imagine in 20 years time when the family are reminiscing together: “Shall we look at your baby photos, Honor Marie?” “What, the ones in the magazine where Dad threatened suicide for no discernible reason? No, I’m OK without, ta.”

In fact, between that and the weird Roger The Dodger haircut that the stylist has decided to give Honor Marie, it might be a good idea if Jessica Alba put her copy of the magazine in the bottom of a drawer and just forgot about it forever.

Read more:

Jessica Alba’s Dream Baby – OK!

The whole world waits on edge, listening intently for the double baby-wail emanating from some crummy French town.

Everyone, no doubt, will demand to see pictures – and all magazines everywhere know this.

That's why there's such an intense bidding war going on.

And if you're the mag that offers the most money, you get the pics – along with a strange stipulation.

You could never print the term Brangelina behind your glossy cover again.

hecklerspray has been selling pictures of its kids since way before it was cool. Why, a headshot of our darling Wednesday fetched us almost ten dollars once – almost enough to pay for the two dozen multi-colored barrettes we had to buy for the shoot. We're not bragging about that, we just want everyone to know that financially we're wizzes.

Then celebrity baby pics turned into a fad, and even B-movie background characters tried hocking their spawn.

The golden pony of all baby pics though has got to be the two Angelina Jolie is about to simultaneously spit out while holding Brad Pitt's hand that isn't operating a hospital-room remote control.

So far bidding for them is around the $16million mark. The Pitt-Jolies are no fools. They know exactly how badly magazines want them – and that's why they've declared that contractually, the winning bid can never use the term 'Brangelina' again.

TMZ says:

"A source in the know tells TMZ that one of the conditions of getting the J-P twins' first pictures is that the winning mag is forbidden from using 'Brangelina'. Multiple sources tell us the couple hates the moniker — but no one more than Angelina."

Well, that'd be no loss to us. Our bidding participation ended at the $25 dollar mark, so we'll not be legally obligated to cease with all Brangelinas, but come August 4 we were gonna start referring to them as 'the Booger-lickers'.

It actually sounds good once you to use it in context. 'The Booger-lickers are starring in another movie together,' 'the Booger-lickers are having another French baby,' or 'the Booger-lickers have been voted America's hottest parents by Elle magazine.' See that? It's got zip.

Most of us don't get the reference, it's just something Stu announced at a fairly recent board meeting.

This has to be some kind of record, the speed at which the cynical wheels of the man's mind have been turning, pushing him ever closer to the seventh level of hell in his endless pursuit to make a quick buck from his family. For god's sake – it hasn't even been confirmed that Ashley is his daughter. To say hecklerspray is incredulous is something of an understatement. And when we understate, you know something is really up.

Yes, it has been revealed that Michael Lohan has approached a number of tabloid magazines, offering to sell his story (or potential story, as we should actually call it) for a rather tidy sum of cashmoney. The man doesn't even know if he is actually the parent of this girl, yet he already has contingency plans in the works to fatten his wallet through her.

What the fuck?

There's the sickening fact that Ashley Kaufmann already has something of a pop career lined up for her, solely on the strength that she might be the daughter of a bloke who popped out a sprog famous for getting wasted and flashing her lady-bits. That should have been it – that should have been bad enough. That should have been the thing that pushed our collective consciousness at hecklerspray over the chasm, into the endless void below, never to return.

But it wasn't – we remained strong. We fought through and we tried to make some sense of it. By golly gosh gee whizz – she might turn out to have some talent. It would be a novelty in the bloodline, that's for sure.

But this – this - is a step too far. We may be forced to renounce our semi-popular celebrity-bating ways and take up refuge in a remote monastery, praying to a god who may not even exist to help us. For we, as a human race, have been forsaken.

Ashley Kaufmann might not even be Michael Lohan's daughter, yet he's already trying to wring money out of her.

Do you see?

One more time?

She might not even be his daughter, yet he's already trying to wring money out of her.

Yes, there are claims that the money would be used to fund 'back child support' that ol' spunky (potentially) owes, but surely there are other ways to get a hold of this? And surely, just maybe possibly surely, there's an extra few dollah dollahs in it for he with the (allegedly) wayward penis? Call us cynical – please, do, we like it – but that's what we  at hecklerspray smell cooking.

But wait! Put down the razor blade, turn off the gas, take your head out of the cooker and untie that noose – there may yet be hope for civilisation as we know it! For the bods at People and OK! magazine have apparently turned down Lohan's approach! There's a chance that for once in this messed up, pointless and unfulfilling world that things have gone the way they should – that good prevails over evil, sense toes the line and we sit back, relax and enjoy things for a brief few minutes.

If you're listening god, which you probably aren't because you're off talking to insane people in the Bible Belt who no one will believe when they tell us all you spaketh to them: please stop Michael Lohan from doing this. If you do we'll bake you a fresh pasty, or even a cake – we might even say 'thank you'. It would be the first and last thanks you'd ever get from us, but we'd mean it. We really, really would.

We’d do anything to help you out. Say you thought some Russian military types had tampered with your food; we’d be there to help you. Sure, we’d be putting our own life at risk as we gingerly slurped your tomato soup, but we love you and would never turn down your request.

However, there are some factors that we can’t control: famine, Bono, global warming and hay fever (oh dear God the hay fever). At first the problem is confined to one area, but it then slowly spreads around the world. Look at Bono – Ireland suffered for so long until he was unleashed to the world.

Now it’s England’s turn to unleash one of their ropiest creations, this time on an unsuspecting America. Lily Allen has been granted a visa. Batten down the hatches, quick!

Lily’s cheeky chirpy cockney songs have never been off radio and TV stations in England. Most of the time it’s a lucky dip to see if Smile or LDN is going to be played next. It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t every ten minutes or so.

But then, would the public like to hear a makeshift hecklerspray band doing a freestyle jam on a few metal cans and coat hangers? No, probably not.

In-between writing and recording her second album, Lily has been doing other stuff as well. You see, she’s not like the other one dimensional singers without a soul or conscience. She can do more than pout and attempt to look sexy – Lily can present too! Well, that’s what BBC 3 believes anyway.

Some genius came up with the Lily Allen and Friends show. A programme where a few celebrity people come on to plug a TV show or product they’re involved with.

In-between all of the ker-azy chat comes the part of the show that makes up about 89% of the content, the always reliable feature: “clips from the internet showcasing wacky people which means I can sit on my arse and do fuck all for a bit,” used every week. Honestly, we’d never seen the Chocolate Rain man before. We are so thankful. The show really is worth the license fee alone to watch TV content which comes from YouTube.

For some time now, Lily’s wild child antics have seen her banned from America. Having the odd drink doesn’t seem to be a popular thing with Uncle Sam and her persistent drunken nights out haven’t helped. For a long time she’s been banned from the land of obesity and Maury. Now Magazine reports:

“Lily had to have her pee regularly checked and then blood tests on top to prove she wasn’t on drugs before the US government would give her a working visa.”

We just feel sorry for the poor sod that had to check her piss. How this was done we aren’t sure, but we’re willing to bet it was all down to the texture and aroma of the urine. But that doesn’t matter now; she’s got the visa, and she was reported as feeling:

“Chuffed.”

Though we would like to remind US visa officials of her odd antics at last week’s Glamour awards. She clearly wasn’t sticking to tap water or lemonade during the ceremony and looked slightly worse for wear. This will probably scare the shit out of the people who gave her legal permission to visit America.

Have fun with her in the USA. And don’t feel inclined to send her back anytime soon.

Who had bets on Lily Allen for this week? Odds were vastly in favor of another Amy Winehouse meltdown, but when Lily Allen showed up at the Glamour Magazine awards with bright pink hair and that glistening, boozy glow, she quickly became the hammered, career plummeting favourite.

And sure not to disappoint, we can all enjoy Lily Allen’s victory speech, also known as the morning after regretful blog entry.

Lily Allen’s appearance at the Glamour Magazine Awards in London earlier this week confirmed that if anything is constant in this world, it’s that celebrities will continued to get hammered in public and have to be carried off by some burly bodyguard, or something.

Lily Allen arrived at the awards with hot pink hair and accepted a special award from the editor for her ‘multi-faceted’ career.

So, according to the editor of Glamour magazine, the many facets of Lily Allen’s career that merit awarding are a crap TV show, being pregnant, not being allowed into America even though the words on the Statue of Liberty say they’ll take all the people no one else wants, not being pregnant anymore, and belting out a song here and there.

Sometime after accepting her award for having lots of facets and stuff, Lily Allen had to be carried out of the party after having a few too many drinks. It’s okay, though. She’s real sorry about it. Honest, you can officially read about it on her official MySpace blog. She officially writes:

“… I’m putting my hands up, I got very drunk last night, too drunk. It’s not cool getting that drunk. Kids, drink responsibly or you’ll end up looking like this, not pretty!”

That’s right, kids. You drink too much and you’ll end up looking like Lily Allen. Maybe Lily Allen’s parents drank too much and that’s how Lily Allen ended up looking like Lily Allen. Yikes. That’s enough to frighten anyone into sobriety.

We’re not being cruel here, we’re just stating a fact. People magazine has named its most beautiful people of the year and Kate Hudson has won. You weren’t even in the top ten, you massive uggo.

Don’t get sad, it’s the truth. And you can’t dispute that a massive magazine like People doesn’t know what it’s talking about, because look at the runners-up who came after Kate Hudson – Mary J Blige, Bruce Willis‘ daughter, a woman we’ve never heard of whose name is Beard, the ginger woman who got her minge out in Short Cuts. That’s beauty you just can’t argue with, girls.

In the past people have said that the secret of beauty is a sense of inner calm or clear skin or a complex million-to-one genetic fluke that happens to fit society’s faddishly ephemeral ideals at any given time, but all these people are idiots.

Because People magazine has spoken, and it seems that the real secret of beauty is making a lot of rubbish romantic comedies that are all basically identical and about as funny as spinal injuries. It’s true – last year People magazine named Drew Barrymore as its most beautiful person and this year it’s picked Kate Hudson, who’s basically just Drew Barrymore with slightly curlier hair.

Although there’s no doubting Kate Hudson’s beauty – she is, remember, so beautiful that Owen Wilson tried to kill himself when they split up – it seems like an odd choice to us. After all, Kate Hudson only came 54th in the recent FHM sexiest woman in the world poll, and you can’t tell us that horny 14-year-old boys judge beauty differently to 37-year-old women. That’s just frankly ludicrous.

Anyway, as ever, the best part of People’s most beautiful list is reading what each beautiful person has to say about when they feel at their most beautiful. And this is what Kate Hudson said:

“I feel at my most beautiful when I see myself on the cover of a magazine and I’ve clearly been airbrushed. I mean really airbrushed. I love it when they airbrush the shit out of my face until I barely even look human any more, because that way I know I’ve made millions of women around the world feel ugly and insecure. And we all know that nobody’s more receptive to cosmetic adverts than ugly insecure women, right girls?”

Ah, not really. Instead, Kate Hudson actually said this:

“I don’t even remember the last time I got a manicure. I even got to the point where I started waxing my own legs because I don’t have the time. I’d rather be home with Ryder sitting there waxing my legs. I haven’t gotten a facial in a million years. I don’t do those kinds of things. And when I do, I always think, ‘I should do this more often’.”

So that’s that. But don’t worry if you think that, by parading Kate Hudson round and giving her a title based on a notion that every person finds individually subjective, People magazine is setting dangerously unobtainable standards for millions of young girls who’ll potentially develop eating disorders in a fruitless quest to appear on the most beautiful list in the future.

Because Vanessa Hudgens is also on the list, so the message is that girls can just as easily make the list if they get their vaginas out on the internet instead.

Read more:

Kate Hudson Is PEOPLE’s Most Beautiful Cover Girl – People

Firstly, let's be clear – nobody told me that I was going going for a job on a reality TV show or that Peaches Geldof was going to be the editor. Both these factors would have put me off straight away.

So here is my story of how I almost worked with the stupidly-named celebrity wannabe Peaches Geldof.

After being rejected time and time again off various publications and other high profile media outlets, it was getting to be a bit of an annoyance. However, a very kind friend pointed me in the direction of an advert to write for a new magazine.

It would be aimed at youngsters aged between 18-24. Being a hip and young person, I thought I could do this perfectly well. After all, I fit in that age demographic and hecklerspray seems to have gotten on some radars. So I scribbled out the application form and answered some basic questions about myself and whatnot. Nothing too challenging.

After waiting a while, someone told me I ticked the right boxes and passed that stage of the 'application'. Another form was e-mailed over and I filled that in too. A few days later I was told I was to be summoned for an interview down in the big city.

As I got on the train down to London, something occurred to me. I was applying to be a writer for a magazine, but I didn't even know what I'd be writing for. For example, my knowledge of chemical engineering isn’t so hot, so I was hoping it wasn’t a magazine about that.

Another thing that bothered me was the fact I was told not to bring any examples of work down with me. Don’t get me wrong, this would probably take up a lot of time as everyone showed off their pieces, but the only thing that the publishers knew about me is that I can cleverly answer some questions on an application form. Still, I took down a couple of nicely printed-off hecklerspray articles and that magazine that painted me orange.

Finally it was time to go and face the strange interview process. Upon arrival, yet more forms were filled in and strange questions were asked. Worryingly, nothing to do with writing was asked. I kind of half-expected some vague question of whether I had any qualifications, who I currently writing for and what journalistic experience I’ve had. After all, this was going to be a 'proper' magazine wasn’t it? It just had MTV attached to it.  

Then the significance of MTV seemingly dawned on me. What kind of input would they have on this project? Would they literally film snapshots of it and broadcast one-minute updates during advert breaks during repeats of My Super Sweet 16? Or would they do something else?

One other gritty detail suddenly hit me whilst I waited for my interview. The whole process was to be filmed – the making of the magazine and the interview itself. This made me worry that MTV had intentions of getting a cheap show out of me potentially trying to cobble a few stories together. Now, I’ve had interviews for jobs before and they can be uncomfortable. But to be filmed as well, that’s just really annoying. 

As I waited for my turn, the room was full of other people waiting to be interviewed, or who had been interviewed. From small talk, it didn’t seem like it was a very formal affair. Somewhat of a relief, but still I wasn’t happy knowing that other people applying for the same job as me didn’t know anything about the style, tone or content of this magazine.

Eventually it was my turn and I walked the short distance for my interview. As I entered the battered-looking room, I was faced with two women, a bloke and a camera. I sat down, got told to adjust the mic and not to worry about being filmed. Of course, this made me worry more.  

So off we went, from the vague memories I have, I was never really asked much about why I wanted this job, what writing experience I had or what qualifications I’d gained. In a nutshell, the conversation ranged from how I’d cope with office gossip about myself to if I could handle criticism if my work was shit.

Then the conversation switched to something to do with professions. I said I respected doctors quite highly because they make a difference to people’s lives and that celebrities did bugger all, got more media attention then they deserve and get away with everything. Then this happened: 

Interviewer: "This magazine may have a celebrity editor. How would you cope with working with a celebrity?"

Me: "Umm.. I’d try my best to get on with then. After all, I’d be working with a team, so I wouldn’t want to cause a dodgy atmosphere and ruin the magazine's progress."

I don’t think my response worked. After all, Peaches Geldof was going to be editing the thing. Some have said that she's a celebrity. They're wrong, but they said it anyway.

After the solo failure that was my interview, I then had to do a group interview. How this would show me as a better person then anyone else, I don’t know. But after a quick sit-down, I was summoned back to the same room with two other people. Here we were given a scenario to act out. Each person had a number on their head, ranging from 1-10.

The higher then number, the bigger twat they are. You had to act out the situation whilst addressing the person according to whether they were God, or a pikey who wants to bum 20p of you. 

And that was it. That was my interview to work on a magazine project with MTV. As you can probably guess, I got a lovely rejection e-mail a few weeks later. Was I disappointed? A little bit, yes, but then it was a bit annoying too. Part of the blurb in the message was that I was not picked due to the high calibre of journalistic talent.

Hmm, not sure how they worked that out, since no-one was told to bring any of their work down with them.

However, what pissed me off the most was that I actually wasted money coming to London to apply for a job that was never fully explained to me. Not even what I was writing about or the fact it was going to be flogged as a TV show. If I had made it, I probably would have rejected the job opportunity once the details emerged. Especially thanks to Peaches Geldof’s involvement.

I’m not one to make a twat of myself on a tacky TV show. I’ll leave that to her. Though if I had been working with Peaches I would have been able to ask some questions directly to her, such as. “Why do you have such a stupid name?” “What do you actually do?”

I was told on the day of my interview that none of the filming of me would be aired. However, something tells me I’ll probably end up seeing myself broadcast to the world looking like a gimp. And this article doesn’t help me much ether.  

There we have it. A hecklerspray expose. I’m going back to make the tea.

Chances are your minds have spent the last few weeks racing with worries about Jennifer Lopez's twins – do they have their mother's eyes? Do they have the right amount of fingers? Is one of them a bear? Were either of them born fully-qualified airline pilots – but now the truth is finally out.

The first pictures of Jennifer Lopez's twin babies have been published on the front cover of today's People magazine. And the good news is that, judging by the pictures, both of Jennifer Lopez's twins look perfectly fine – although if we were Marc Anthony might want a DNA paternity test just to clear up any lingering suspicion that Jennifer wasn't knocked up by a Boobah. Really, the resemblance is uncanny.

As if you didn't know, Jennifer Lopez gave birth to twins last month. In many ways, Jennifer Lopez was always going to a perfect mother – she'd been through a parade of men to find which would be the most suitable father for her children, suing some failed candidates and making others wish that they'd never met her, plus her gigantic arse is the ideal counterbalance for a papoose. What more could you ask for?

Six million dollars in cash? Why, yes, that'd help as well. So it's just as well that Jennifer Lopez signed an exclusive $6 million deal with People magazine for exclusive rights to her baby pictures. After all, Jennifer's love might not cost a thing but that's only because her love wasn't about to chew on her nipples until they're ragged and shit everywhere.

And now, finally, the photos of Jennifer Lopez's twins Maximiano and Emelina have finally been published in People magazine. It's hard to tell what the twins are like from one photo, but both babies appear to have their eyes closed, which suggests that Marc Anthony is off camera showing them their new garishly matching Roberto Cavelli velour tracksuits. Anyway, The Sun reports:

Jennifer Lopez proudly shows off her baby twins Max and Emme on the front cover of People magazine. The mag reportedly forked out £3million to get the first pictures of the twins, who are just four weeks old. New mum J-Lo is clearly besotted with her new arrivals, though she will be spending some time away from them when she starts filming new movie Love and Other Possible Pursuits later this year.

But let's not be too hasty with the praise for Jennifer Lopez here – true, she might have two healthy baby and an obscenely overpaid baby photo deal with a magazine, but let's not forget that selling baby photos to a magazine might cause untold psychological emotional damage to the babies themselves.

Look at Christina Aguilera, for example – everyone cared so little about her baby photos that it'll now have to struggle through its formative years with everyone knowing that it's a massive social reject. What if the same thing happens to Jennifer Lopez's twins? What if nobody buys this edition of People magazine? How will the babies cope?

We think they'll be alright. At the very least People has ensured that the magazine will have a higher circulation than if Marc Anthony and his weirdly gaunt spooked-out horror movie face was on the cover. It'd have been lucky to sell five copies if that happened.

Read more:

See first picture of J-Lo's twins – The Sun 

And that's true whether you have an adorable baby or an angry pink monster with freakish little grasping fingers that creep you out every time you look at them. Like Christina Aguilera's baby.

Now before you get upset, remember that we're not the ones saying that. People magazine paid $1.5 million for exclusive photos of Christina Aguilera and her new baby Max, but since hardly anyone bought the issue, it's basically you who are saying that Christina Aguilera's baby is a ridiculous, funny-to-look-at waste of everyone's time. And you should be ashamed, damn you.

Who doesn't love Christina Aguilera? We know we do – whether she's dressing like a bit of a slut in her music videos or singing so loudly about being beautiful that we honestly worry she'll one day dislodge the moon, Christina Aguilera can basically do no wrong in our books. Apart from having children, of course, because that's rubbish.

Again, that's not our viewpoint but yours. You hate that Christina Aguilera had a baby boy, and you hate the baby boy itself. Even though it's just a poor defenceless baby that's never done anything wrong in any of its short life, you hate it. You hate its stupid ears and the crap middle-aged accountant haircut it was born with.

We know this because People magazine's circulation figures are 100,000 lower than usual, just because Christina Aguilera and her baby are on the front cover. Monsters And Critics reports:

The magazine reportedly paid $1.5 million for exclusive photos of Christina Aguilera and her new baby Max, but early estimates from the President's Day weekend sales show consumers weren't inspired to pick the issue up. The New York Post is reporting that the issue, which hit late last week, is on target to sell only around 1.3 million copies this week, according to some industry sources. Time Inc.'s biggest cash cow rag ordinarily sells and average 1.4 million copies a week on newsstands.

But why? Why do you – personally you – hate Christina Aguilera's baby so much? Is it because all the recent celebrity births and pregnancies have left you with a low-level baby apathy? Is it because you've finally worked out that all babies look completely bloody identical and Christina Aguilera may as well be holding a dentist's baby or even a slightly baby-shaped clump of Play-Doh and you wouldn't know any different?

Or is it because you're just plain pig sick of Christina Aguilera? We can't possibly see how it could be that, though, because during her pregnancy Christina Aguilera only referred to her baby once in public. Apart from that time she painted herself bright orange, got naked and obnoxiously screamed "Woo-Hoo! Look at me! I'm Christina Aguilera and I'm pregnant! Pregnant pregnant pregnant pregnant pregnant PREGNANT!" from the cover of a magazine for cash, of course. But, come on, what expectant mother doesn't do that?

Anyway, we hope you're happy. You've wrecked Christina Aguilera's baby's life, you unthinking swines.

And if People's sales are down because nobody cares that Christina Aguilera's baby is on the cover, just imagine what'll happen when it puts Jennifer Lopez on the cover with her twins. We'll just be lucky if nobody firebombs the newsstands.

Read more:

Christina Aguilera's baby pictures fall flat – Monsters And Critics 

But, although she was right to worry about the first one, Lindsay Lohan has no reason at all to fear the latter, because her mother Dina Lohan bloody well loves the naked Lindsay Lohan photos that were published earlier in the week.

That's good to see – Dina Lohan's endorsement of Lindsay Lohan's nude photoshoot is not only heartwarming, but it's also softened her up for all those Lindsay Lohan Hot Bitch XXX Dildo Slut Action DVDs that Lindsay will be reduced to starring in by 2010.

For someone who's pretty much had her bare genital area photographed more often than her face in recent years, the fuss caused by those Marilyn Monroe-aping naked Lindsay Lohan pictures that appeared in New York magazine this week has been far greater than anyone could have imagined. 

We're not sure why Lindsay Lohan's naked spread captured the imagination the way it did. Perhaps there was a perverse thrill in seeing the child star of The Parent Trap naked, perhaps people appreciated the artfully authentic way it reimagined Marilyn Monroe's famous Last Shoot, or perhaps it's just a clear indication that Lindsay Lohan's slow path towards starring in nothing but barely-watched cable television erotic thrillers is still dead on track.

But none of that matters, because the naked Lindsay Lohan photoshoot has at least gained the approval of Lindsay Lohan's mother Dina. MSNBC reports:

"It was very tastefully done," she told People of her daughter’s cover shoot. "I respect the photographer as an artist, so I look at them artistically,” Dina, who manages Lindsay, said of the pics. “For him to call Lindsay 46 years later and to say, 'Can you recreate these photos?' is an honor. I looked at it as art, and as Lindsay doing a character. So I don't look at them like it's Playboy; she was being a character. So if you look at it that way, you can look at it as a mother." … "She's always loved Marilyn," Dina said. "For Christmas, my girlfriends even gave her a Marilyn cookie jar. I think there's a sadness that Lindsay feels for Marilyn. Lindsay really saw it as a gift back to someone."

Make no mistake, it is a gift back to someone – it just happens that that someone is probably a teenage boy with a permanent erection who'd wank himself into a jizz blizzard at the sight of an old lady's bra, let alone some 'artful' naked Lindsay Lohan photos.

Anyway, let's not forget that Dina Lohan is the quintessential pushy stage mum who notoriously lives her life vicariously through Lindsay in the hope that she can piggyback on her fame for long enough to get her own daytime TV show or something. Bearing this in mind, Dina Lohan isn't saying "I respect my daughter's decision," but "Seriously, if you think she looks good naked, wait until you see my middle-aged boom-baps! Pazow!" 

And that's disgusting, so let's have no more to do with any of this.

Read more:

Lindsay’s mom OK with nude photo shoot - MSNBC 

No question – the brickwork one every time. Because a) hey, bricks, woo, and b) you really couldn't give a tenth of a rat's chuff about anything to do with Jennifer Lopez.

Still, that hasn't stopped People magazine from paying an estimated $6 million for exclusive American distribution rights for Jennifer Lopez's baby photos. We honestly can't see how Jennifer Lopez is that much of a draw, so maybe People has heard something we don't know – maybe J-Lo's twins are co-joined at the arse or something. Yes, that's definitely it.

We've never really been able to understand the rush to get picture rights to celebrity babies. Magazines will almost bankrupt themselves trying to bid for snaps of the tots, even though everyone already knows that they'll look like little tiny screaming pink Boobahs who can't stop shitting themselves.

Look at Angelina Jolie, for example – not only did she sell pictures of Shiloh Nouvel to the highest bidder for millions of dollars, but she also managed to repeat the trick with Pax Thien, who was adopted, about 12 years old and obviously didn't look a stitch like Angelina Jolie. 

But, OK, that's Angelina Jolie – she's a beautiful Oscar winner shacked up with the world's best-looking man and she'd pledged to give the money to charity, so there's bound to be interest. But surely nobody cares that much about Jennifer Lopez. Her last album shat the bed, nobody goes to see her films any more and, after all that husband suing, you can't really say that she looks like a particularly nice person. 

But despite all this, Jennifer Lopez has apparently sold the picture rights of her unborn twins for a record-busting amount, as Metro reports:

The 38-year-old's excessive asking price for the first look at those precious faces is a whopping £3 million ($6 million) US reports claim. Too much to ask? Maybe not, as the Latino singer reportedly has two bidders vying furiously to ink a final deal with little time to spare. Internet reports claim People magazine has bagged a deal for US distribution but a spokesman for the star reportedly denies a deal has been signed. But OK! magazine seem to be celebrating a deal, allowing them international distribution for some 15 editions world wide.

Really, we honestly can't get our head around that. $6 million just so people too stupid to wait until the pictures are leaked onto the internet can buy a magazine and spend 20 seconds mumbling about how much the twins have got Jennifer Lopez's ears. Did the price go up because Jennifer Lopez kept quiet about the pregnancy for so long? Was it a deliberate money-making plan all along? Because if it was, Jessica Alba's going to sell her baby snaps for 20p and half a stale jaffa cake.

It just doesn't make sense, which is why some sources are saying the figure has been wildly inflated. But what if it hasn't? What if Jennifer Lopez really is going to pocket $6 million just because her husband couldn't keep it in his pants nine months ago? There has to be a catch.

Maybe there are conditions in People's contract with Jennifer Lopez. We'll find that out for ourselves when Jennifer Lopez coincidentally decides to name her kids I Love People Magazine and People Magazine Out Now At A Newsstand Near You At A Low Low Price. It's either that or People has also got the rights to sell the photos onto My, Look At These Newborn Babies' Freakishly Large Buttocks Weekly.

Read more:

J-Lo Eyes Up Record Baby Deal – Metro 

But not any more, because Lindsay Lohan has got naked for a magazine. Deliberately naked, too – this isn't one of those 'Lindsay Lohan gets hammered and forgets to dress from the waist down on a night out' stories. It's an artfully-composed naked Lindsay Lohan shoot.

At least we think it's Lindsay Lohan. She's hidden behind a transparent cloth for most of it and – since the fluorescent red glow from her vagina doesn't make our eyes burn like a mace attack – we have our doubts, frankly.

Never say that Lindsay Lohan doesn't know how to react to stuff. Tell her that she stars in too many kid's films and she'll make a shit movie about a pair of amnesiac strippers instead. Arrest Lindsay Lohan for having all sorts of cocaine in her trousers and she'll never wear any trousers ever again. Or underwear. Or any other clothes apart from a sort of mostly transparent gauze thing, like Marilyn Monroe did before she died.

You've got it – Lindsay Lohan has decided to pose naked for New York magazine, mimicking Marilyn Monroe's infamous 'Last Shoot'. It's not particularly shocking to see Lindsay Lohan naked – there was a sort of vaguely naked Lindsay Lohan on the front cover of Vanity Fair a few years ago, plus it's no secret that Lindsay Lohan's boyfriend took some naked pictures of her recently, and if you haven't seen what Lindsay Lohan's vagina looks like now, you're past help.

But this is different, because it's for a magazine that classy people read – so this is Lindsay Lohan naked as art, not Lindsay Lohan naked as a grubby masturbation aid for the chronically misinformed. And it also meant that Lindsay Lohan could pretend that she's cleverer than she is in the accompanying article, as demonstrated in New York:

“I didn’t have to put much thought into it. I mean, Bert Stern? Doing a Marilyn shoot? When is that ever going to come up? It’s really an honor… I wanted to portray the book and get it point-on as much as I could, to bring it back to life… “Here is a woman who is giving herself to the public,” Lohan said, about the Monroe photos, when we spoke the next day by phone. “She’s saying, ‘Look, you’ve taken a lot from me, so why don’t I give it to you myself.’ She’s taking control back."

Oh Lindsay, always turning everything into an attack on the entertainment industry when you're the one whipping your knickers off to try and remind movie executives that you're still alive after Georgia Rule and I Know Who Killed Me tanked so badly.

Because you'd be dumb not to think that these naked Lindsay Lohan pictures were for anything other than to further her career. Not only is she young and nubile and glamorous, the pictures are saying, but also she's totally ready to do late-night direct to DVD erotic thrillers now. Plus she's cheap after all that rehab!

More frightening still are the prospects for Lindsay Lohan's Year Of Sex. After all, having it off with the male inhabitants of an island is one thing, but posing naked so that the entire planet can see your hooters? In February? Christ knows what Lindsay Lohan will do to mark the third month of her Year Of Sex if this is the standard she's setting, but it had better take place on a tarpaulin with a water hydrant nearby, because we're pretty sure it's going to make a mess.

Read more:

Lindsay Lohan as Marilyn Monroe in "The Last Sitting" – New York

Images: Bert Stern/New York 

And that's that Lindsay Lohan just doesn't give as many boneheaded magazine interviews that show a total absence of any self-awareness these days. But at least she knows about it, and she's trying to do something about it.

In her first post-rehab interview, Lindsay Lohan has said that most people thinks she doesn't know where her head is even though actually she does. Sigh. That's good crackpot Lindsay Lohan, but not great crackpot Lindsay Lohan. 

Lindsay Lohan is a changed woman. That third stint in rehab really did the job for her – gone is the old Lindsay Lohan who was so smashed on booze and drugs that she crashed her car and collapsed at work and ended up in jail and got off with McFly and couldn't even realise that starring as amnesiac stripper twins in a film is a really stupid idea.

And in her place is a new post-rehab Lindsay Lohan, a sensible, contrite, almost nun-like Lindsay Lohan who knows the error of her ways and is damned if she's ever going to repeat any of that awful behaviour that got her in so much trouble before.

Well, apart from the behaviour that let her shag a bunch of Italians and chug from a bottle of champagne and down enough cocktails to start a fight with the paparazzi, of course. If you take the booze and the sex and the fighting away from Lindsay Lohan, you're not left with Lindsay Lohan. You're left with an annoying attention-seeking sober shell that just looks like a bit like Lindsay Lohan.

But, anyway, apart from all of that Lindsay Lohan is back on the old straight and narrow, as the told Glamour:

"There are friends that have been hard to hang out with because they've gone done a different path, but it's hard because I'm the kind of person who wants to trust everyone… I'm fine being alone during the day, but I hate being alone at night. I like having friends around me, but now I'd much rather be at home. That's not to say I'll never go to a club again, because I'd be lying."  

Even though she's undoubtedly doing the right thing by staying sober – apart from the occasional relapse – we can't help feeling a little bit sad that sobriety seems to have quelled Lindsay Lohan's constant nightmarish quest for even a sliver of approval from anyone. What's that? There's more of the interview? And it's about what Lindsay Lohan thinks the biggest public misconception about her is? OK, apparently this is what we all think of Lindsay Lohan:

"That I don't have my head in the right place. That, and probably that I'm not a good person… because actually I am."

Phew, that's better. Still, at least now that Lindsay Lohan has asserted that she's a good person it doesn't matter what she does any more. She's a good person, you see. Lindsay Lohan can take all the delicious drugs in the whole wide world and she'll still be a good person. Heck, Lindsay Lohan could get drunk, fill her trousers up with cocaine and plough her car into a shrub again because it doesn't stop her being a good person. in fact, that's what Lindsay Lohan should probably do, just to prove it. She should probably do it right now.

Read more:

Lindsay Lohan Opens Up About Recovery – People