And while you inhabited that body you’d probably use its hands to wipe away all the sweat you didn’t know your little girl had to deal with every time she ate. Like father like daughter.

When you weren’t wiping away the sweat, though, you’d use her hands to record the most incredible music the world has ever known. hecklerspray’s theory is that this is where we got Lisa Marie’s two solo records from. That’s why they’re written so impeccably from the perspective of someone who died from a severe over-consumption of hotdogs and chocolate cake. Think about it.

But speaking of Elvis’ ghost – Lisa Marie still speaks to Elvis’ ghost. Isn’t that interesting? We have their recent summed up conversation for you on the next page.

Lisa Marie Presley had some beautiful kids recently. She pushed them out of her butt, and lo and behold they were twins! Moments like that are probably enough to make her wish he poor dad was still alive to meet them.

Lucky for her, then, that there was a medium somewhere completely willing and able to get paid to contact Elvis on the other side to arrange for a formal introduction. According to the Daily Star, this is how the conversation went:

“I would know his energy anywhere and this was him, I have no doubt. Not only was it his voice, but I could also feel the exact same love that he gave me when I was a little girl. It was so overwhelming that I started to cry.

“The medium comforted me with his words by telling me he was proud of me, the babies were beautiful, he’s doing just fine on the other side, he watches over me. After I sort of got acclimatised to all this and dried my eyes, we had this amazing talk. The most comforting thing he told me is that even though he’s not here physically any more, he is still with me and he’ll watch over the babies too.”

Now we know what you’re thinking, but Presley Jr isn’t just some sucker. She didn’t walk in there ready to accept any ‘Elvis’ communication as being straight from dear old dad. She had some tests ready so the medium would be able to prove absolutely everything she said. Allegedly.

From what we gather the tests involves Lisa sitting in another room stabbing various foods to death and seeing if Elvis could identify them on the other side. He answered twinkies across the board, so his daughter knew what she was hearing was true. She knew she was talking to her father.

What a very special moment that must have been for everybody involved.

Yeah, we do too. It seems like it happened ages ago, didn’t it? But it only took place a few months ago, because Lisa Marie Presley has only just given birth to the adorable little babies who were prenatally forcing her to gorge on whatever food happened to be closest to her.

According to reports, Lisa Marie Presley gave birth to a pair of twin girls last Tuesday. However, since no names have been revealed yet – or any details other than the ones we’ve just given you, in fact – we’re not convinced. Until we see photographic evidence of these twins, we’re just going to assume that Lisa Marie Presley just did a couple of really, really big poos. It’s hereditary, we hear.

2008 hasn’t especially been kind to the Presley family’s faces. There was Priscilla Presley’s face, which got all messed up after a male Argentinian prostitute injected it with engine lubricant, and then there was Lisa Marie Presley’s face, which everyone relentlessly mocked back in March because it had suddenly taken on the dimensions of a smashed animal buttock.

However, it turns out that we were all completely wrong to do this to Lisa Marie Presley. It turns out that Lisa Marie wasn’t fat, she was pregnant. And we all know that you can’t be pregnant and fat, it’s either one or the other.

And now, just seven short months later, Lisa Marie Presley has finally got round to having those babies taken out of her body. Just don’t expect any details about them, OK? E! Online reports:

The rock ‘n’ roll progeny and her hubby, Michael Lockwood, celebrated the arrival of twin girls this week, E! News has confirmed. Per Presley’s publicist, Cindy Guagenti, the twosome arrived at 2:46 p.m. Tuesday via C-section, weighing in at 5 pounds, 15 ounces and 5 pounds, 2 ounces, respectively. The children’s names have not been announced.

Actually, maybe the only reason why Lisa Marie Presley hasn’t revealed the names of her babies yet is because she hasn’t got round to thinking up anything suitable. After all, the responsibility of choosing an appropriate identity for your child to carry around for the rest of its life isn’t one that should be taken lightly.

Or, alternatively, Lisa Marie Presley has picked names for her children but they haven’t been revealed because her mouth is so constantly full of crisps and bread and ice cream and hot dogs that nobody can understand what she’s trying to say. But it probably isn’t that.

Anyway, regardless of the twins’ names, we should just be pleased that the Presley genes have been carried on for another generation. After all, Elvis Presley was arguably one of the most famous men in history, and Lisa Marie Presley had both a number five album and a number nine album. So if the pattern continues, Lisa Marie’s twins are going to grow up to be the best darn Golf Sale signholders the world has ever seen.

You see, Lisa Marie Presley was only forced into confirming the pregnancy because The Daily Mail ran some pictures of her looking so fat that you'd think she needed to be transported everywhere on a reinforced forklift truck.

But Lisa Marie Presley isn't fat, she's pregnant. And so wounded by the thought that a British newspaper would have the nerve to call her fat that she's suing The Daily Mail. Nobody knows what Lisa Marie Presley will spend her damages on if she's successful, but the smart money's on cake. Cake and biscuits. And pies. Oh, and sausages. Lots of delicious sausages.

Here's a secret – last week we almost ran a story on those Daily Mail pictures of Lisa Marie Presley looking all fat. We chose not to because the whole story would have basically just been 'Ooh, look at the big fat wobbly lady! Ooh fatty fatty fatty! Ooh fatty fatty fatty! Want a sausage, do you, love? You gigantic fat chunky fatto!' and because we were probably running a more important story about Lindsay Lohan's tits or something instead. 

Anyway, it's just as well we didn't – because now Lisa Marie Presley is on the warpath. As she pointed out last week, Lisa Marie Presley only looks fat because she's pregnant. And, as the law states, if you call a pregnant woman fat, she can sue you for it.

So that's what Lisa Marie Presley has done. And, as anyone who's ever accidentally sat on a bus seat that a pregnant lady had her eye on knows only too well, The Daily Mail is about to get in the ear something chronic. Reuters reports:

"My client is deeply upset and offended by this article, especially as it was widely published just as she and her family were meant to be celebrating her happy news," said lawyer Simon Smith, who will represent Presley at the High Court… Presley, 40, wrote last week that she had been forced to "show my cards and announce under the gun and under vicious personal attack that I am in fact pregnant. "Once they got a glimpse of my expanding physique a few days ago, they have been like a pack of coyotes circling their prey whilst eerily howling with delight," she wrote on her blog at MySpace.com.

"Eerily howling with delight"? Either someone's been taking one of those nonsense creative writing day courses or all those cakes have got jammed into Lisa Marie Presley's brain and stopped it working properly. Maybe someone needs to sit Lisa Marie Presley down and tell her that actually, yes, she has been putting on quite a lot of weight. And that's because she's pregnant. You don't magically stay the same weight when there's a human being growing inside you draining you of nutrients, do you.

Anyway, suing a right-wing newspaper just because it said you're fat when actually you are fat should be the least of Lisa Marie Presley's concerns at the moment. Because in a few months, Lisa Marie is going to have to give birth to her baby. And the last time a Presley that size tried to push something that big out of their body, they ended up snuffing it on the crapper.

Read more:

Lisa Marie Presley sues Daily Mail – Reuters 

Wait, no, not that's not entirely true. In fact what's happened is that Lisa Marie Presley – daughter of Elvis Presley – is merely pregnant, as her spokesman has confirmed.

This will be Lisa Marie Presley's third child but, given that she's looking more and more like Fat Elvis with each passing day, it's unknown whether Lisa Marie will want to give birth to her baby in the regular way or die trying to crap it out of her arse on the toilet. As a mark of respect to her father, you understand.

For all the benefits of being Elvis Presley's only daughter – like never having to wait any longer than five minutes for a deep-fried squirrel burger as a child or getting to have sex with well-established dreamboat hunks like Nicolas Cage and Michael Jackson – there are bound to be drawbacks. 

Just ask Lisa Marie Presley. She is Elvis Presley's only daughter and, when she's not floating on a cloud of joy because she's probable touched Michael Jackson's penis, she has to live with the fact that Elvis still makes more money than she does even though he's been dead for 30 years. Plus she's a Scientologist, so she probably has to put up with hanging around Tom Cruise and Kirstie Alley a lot more than any human deserves to.

However, Lisa Marie Presley has one thing that Elvis Presley never had, and that's a functional female reproductive system. And she just keeps rubbing that in the dead man's face, because Lisa Marie Presley is pregnant again. Hello reports:

Elvis' only daughter is expecting her first child with guitarist and music producer husband Michael Lockwood this autumn. "The couple are incredibly overjoyed," says Lisa's spokesperson, who confirmed the happy news on Friday. The new arrival will be Lisa's third baby. She has a daughter Riley, 18, and son Benjamin, 15, with ex-husband, musician and actor Danny Keough.

You see? It isn't just celebrities like Nicole Kidman and Jessica Alba that can get pregnant – the barely-remembered offspring of celebrities can do it too. 

The news of Lasa Marie Presley's pregnancy will come a blessed relief to anyone who saw the photos of her earlier this week looking all gigantic. But at least now we all know that a woman we don't care about is only fat because she's pregnant and not because she eats a lot of chips. Truly, we can sleep soundly now.

Read more:

Elvis' daughter Lisa Marie expecting third child this autumn - Hello