Lindsay Lohan stepped out on the red carpet this week looking as young, sexy and stylish as ever. Wait, we mean the exact opposite of that.

The o/b/v/i/o/u/s/c/r/a/c/k/a/d/d/i/c/t starlet was papped at the amfAR New York Gala yesterday sporting tobacco-stained hair, meth teeth and accessorised her hot new look with a Grinch-skin coat and a vacant stare.

Want a look? You brave crusader, you. Just click the jump.

So, let us get this straight – despite looking, and no doubt smelling, like a zombie Farrah Fawcett, Playboy value pictures of Lohan’s vagina at $1million?

We’d sooner pay Li-Lo $1million to surgically stitch her legs together.

Or for NASA to build one of those Men In Black style mind-wipers to scorch this image from our retinas.

THIS WOMAN IS 25. We’ve seen radiation victims with a better complexion. There’s no way she isn’t doing this on purpose now or is this some elaborate prank?

Come April Fools we’ll all be laughing. Won’t we Lindsay? Won’t we?

Lindsay Lohan used to be loads of fun. She was always in trouble or having sex with someone. She had set the controls for the heart of self-destruct and we all had ringside seats for an early death. And then she went and spoiled it all by looking after herself.

Git.

And now, after getting her freckled neck hoiked by the police a few too many times, she’s laying off the sauce – the same sauce that is a attributable to so much of her success (in getting column inches at least). While trouble may not have left her, she’s angry that people are saying she’s been getting stuck in to that lovely, lovely booze (the only real replacement for love).

This has all come about after some bozos decided to run a bunch of stories saying that she was absolutely getting hammered at a SAG Awards after party this weekend.

Do these fools not know that, if you make claims like that about someone who can’t enjoy drink or drugs anymore, the thing they’ll replace it with is a will to sue?

And that’s exactly what’s happening. LiLo is threatening to sue the media outlets that published the story in the first place.

A source close to the actress tells TMZ that Lindsay is already exploring her legal options with her attorneys because she feels the false stories are sabotaging her effort to save her career. And her liver.

Of course, she was at the party at the Chateau Marmot hotel in Hollywood Sunday night, but alas, she was sitting with Alan Cummings which makes a difference for some reason. Maybe he dry-heaves at the sight of women drinking pints? Maybe he’s so enchanting that no-one ever drinks in his presence because they can’t tear themselves away from his rapier wit?

WAIT. THERE’S MORE.

Lindsay is also cheesed off that reports suggested that she made-out with Dennis Hopper’s son Henry. Where did this apparently take place? In a petrol station. Lovely stuff.

Sadly, as much as we want that to be true, she’s saying it isn’t.

Aah! Lindsay Lohan is the perfect hecklerspray celebrity. She takes one-step forward, or one step back, and she’s in trouble. It doesn’t matter where she is, or who she’s with – she’s always on the brink of being in some kind of bother.

Now, after a couple of years of jewel thievery, alleged assault, drug and drink problems and hanging around morgues, LiLo is back in trouble! HUZZAH! We should thank our stars she hasn’t found God and become a giganto-bore.

So what’s she done this time? Well, it involves a woman called Nubia Del Carmen Preza, a high performance sports vehicle and a whole lotta anguish. Splendid.

Nubia, who has (thus far) the best name of 2012, is suing Lohan, claiming that she was hit by the actress’ car during an incident in September 2010.

Nubia Del Carmen Preza (sorry, we just love saying her name) alleges she was struck by the Mean Girl’s Maserati while innocently walking through a West Hollywood intersection. Preza’s lawsuit states she has suffered “disabling and serious personal injuries, pain, suffering and anguish” and that she is seeking damages for all her medical expenses and lost time at work.

Alas, Lindsay is refusing to comment on the case. Not that we’ve tried to contact her. We’re assuming other people have.

Of course, this isn’t the only vehicular trouble Lindsay is facing. In what is one of the oddest celebrity lawsuits, some idiot paparazzi photographer called Grigor Baylan is taking legal action against Lohan after he was run over by her car, even though the actress wasn’t even driving it.

Apparently (and this is according to the photographer’s lawyer, Neil Steiner, who is as trustworthy as any other human who decides what’s morally right based completely on payment), Lohan is being targeted because her assistant was at the wheel and operating under her instruction.

It’s great to have you back Lindsay. If you wouldn’t mind getting hooked on really lousy, cheap drugs this year, that’d be perfect.

Well, knock us down with a feather. It must be that time of the week again. The time when we force our hands into the stinking, wretched filth that comes into the hecklerspray mailbox.

To give you an idea of what our mailbag actually resembles, allow us to paint you a picture. With words. Imagine taking a bowl of delicious, ripe fruit and writing a series of misguided, offended or just plain idiotic messages on each pieces and then leaving it to rot. Then imagine putting the pulped, putrid remains of the fruit into a plastic carrier bag and leaving it in a very humid room for a couple of weeks.

Then imagine having to dip your hand into that to remove and read something which calls you a useless idiot. That’s called user feedback, folks and it fucking sucks.

Still, without any further ado, let us wash the remains of your rotten correspondence from our hands and copy your dribbling rants verbatim.

You can pity us but it won’t do you any good. You did this to us in the first place. So here’s this week’s Readers’ Letters. Benevolent deities help us all.

First up this week is the spawn of Jay-Z’s loins. Naturally, this is one of the biggest celebrity stories of the year because they’re both like totally famous and, like, totally talented and stuff. Of course, people with a fan base inevitably have legions of masturbatory freaks who can’t take a joke. Like “Me” for instance. No, not me. Some moron who still thinks referring to themselves in the singular is funny.

I can tell by your article that you don’t like reporting on beyonce so why do they have you doing it.. I came on her to read about beyonce not about how sarcastic you can be.. I mean really get over yourself or don’t report on her..give someone else this job

Reading comments like this really leads us to a phenomenon known as ‘hulking out’, where we all turn either into Marvel Superheroes or into 80s’ American wrestlers. The whole fucking point is that the article is about how sarcastic we can be. There’s nothing else to it. Until you people stop projecting some kind of journalistic ethical code onto us, we’re going to keep having to repeat this every week. Here it is in simple English.

WE ARE NOT JOURNALISTS. 

At least Sparkletits gets it; even though she (?) was replying to some other moron on some other article:

Whoa there friend, settle down. This site is beloved specifically because it brutalizes celebrities. This is like walking into a boxing match and complaining about the violence. Fuck off to people.com or whatever. LiLo is a trainwreck tire fire and does hilarious shit. The end.

That was in response to someone called Michael Prymula, who has a name like a cheese substitute that comes in a tube. His opinions should therefore be disregarded but given that we used to enjoy the one with chives in it on Ritz Crackers, here’s his “worthwhile contribution”:

Fuck you! you worthless fucking piece of dogshit! You think other people’s hardships are SOOOOOOO hilarious, why don’t you just go fuck yourself and stop writing bullshit that nobody cares about! Lindsay can and WILL make a comeback, and she’s a FAR better person then you are!

This is another one. “No-one cares about your opinion” or “nobody cares about their indiscretions”. Of course they do. By leaving comments angrily decrying those who take the piss out of your smacked-up idol, you’re disproving your own point. Of course Lindsay Lohan is a better person than us because we’re fatuous cunts that use our money (earned from a career making faces like we’re having sticks pulled from our arses) to buy crack and smoke a bowl in someone’s poolhouse.

Wait. Hang on. We’ve got ourselves mixed up with strung-out, failed actor Lindsay Lohan, haven’t we? Silly us.

Still, much as ‘she of the poolside nickname’ has some misguided fans, that’s nothing compared to the fans of 30 Seconds To Mars frontdick Jared Leto. Of course, given that all groups of fans have to collective nouns to distinguish them from your average horde of braying nutsacks, we’ve decided to christen Leto’s lot “The Leotards”. Please pass it on to those forums you frequent.

Sometimes it’s the names of the people posting that really draw you into a comment. Take TheGuyWhoWroteThePostIsAFaggotJelousFatForeverAloneSucker which must be an unmitigated nightmare to sign on a disability cheque. This pillar of the Leotard community was up in arms because we wrote an article about him ALMOST FIVE YEARS AGO.

Who the hell’s the gay guy that wrote the post? I bet he’s a fat friki foreveralone 40-year-old who still wets his bed and jelous of THE PERFECTION OF JARED LETO.

Just another hater modafogga who will burn in hell.

Of course, if there’s one thing we’ve learned from the heavily Christian fanbase of 30 Seconds To Galaxy Caramel, it’s that homosexuality is wrong and is punishable by eternity in the firey pits of hell. It is surely not going too far to assume that there must be a fate worse than this for people who like Jared Leto’s fucking awful band.

AJAJAJAJJAJAJAJAJAA
Motherfoggaaaaa
Crappy band? Yo’ mamaaa
Go to hel ahhahahahahaa This dude has some issues.

Yes, here it is again. Would you like us to pick it out?

This dude has some issues.

This from the person who can’t spell motherfucker (or anything for that matter), thinks homosexuals deserve to burn in hell and, perhaps most heinously of all, thinks 30 Seconds to Peanut M&Ms are or ever were any good. It’s stunning to think that someone like this is out living amongst us and not locked in a darkened basement, hooked up to a car battery.

Still, at least ajay knows what we’re all about:

very very very very sexy

Thanks.

Until next week; be good. If you can’t be good be careful. If you can’t be careful then try not to impale your genitals on anything sharp.

Lindsay Lohan isn’t as much fun as she used to be. Remember when she was constantly full of drink and drugs, having sex with everyone, stealing jewels and getting accused of assault and battery? Those were good days.

Sadly, she seems to have straightened herself out… BUT WAIT!

See, LiLo has been doing her community service, hauling her speckled self around a morgue! Ostensibly, Judge Stephanie Sautner wants her to fix herself by warping her mind with dead bodies. Get the feeling that we’ll be seeing good ol’ Insane Lohan again in the future?

In a bid to mend the broken insides of Lindsay Lohan, the law has required her to complete 12 morgue visits and 4 psychotherapy sessions by Tuesday’s court hearing. That’s more dead body contact than psychiatric help. How wonderful!

While at the morgue, Lohan has been a model employee, which clearly means that she’s falling in love with all the stiffs.

After tomorrow’s hearing, Lindsay will be at the halfway mark of her probation, which means that she’ll have to complete ANOTHER 12 morgue visits and 4 therapy classes.

She’s going to be barking mad by the time the law is done with her.

And the best thing is, should she mess up, she’ll find herself being sent to prison for 270 days, which will absolutely erode whatever semblance of human is left in there.

She doesn’t stand a chance does she?

Where there’s blame, there’s a claim… right? Well, in the case of paparazzi photographer and presumed harassing scum-ventricle, Grigor Baylan, he’s suing Lindsay Lohan for something she didn’t actually do for once.

Our papping chum is taking legal action against the actress after he found himself being run over  by a motor car that was trying to get away from… you guessed it! The paparazzo.

And the best bit is – LiLo wasn’t even driving the car!

The photographer’s lawyer, Neil Steiner, told ambulance chasing TMZ, that the actress is being chased in this particular legal case because her assistant was at the wheel and operating under her instruction.

Feel free to arch an eyebrow at that.

Steiner says that he’s contacted Lindsay’s insurance company to settle the claim but they only made an ‘insignificant offer’.

Of course, there’s nothing funny going on here.

No-one is trying to milk a situation for all it’s worth. The lawyer insisted he is only seeking ‘reasonable compensation’ for his client, who was medically treated for orthopaedic and neurologic injuries following the incident, which took place on January 10, 2010.

This definitely isn’t a case of targeting someone who might want to throw money at a scenario because they’re worried about a judge hauling them back into court to send them to prison for previous misdemeanours.

Definitely, definitely not that.

Lindsay Lohan wants you to know that she’s a moron. That’s the only possible reason why she emerged from a tattoo parlour this week permanently marked with the phrase: Live Without Regrets.

The starlet drunken car crash is said to have told pals that she’s ‘at a great point in her life and wanted to do something she’d always remember’.

Who wouldn’t want to remember the first second third time they got their vag out for the public? At least this time it was sponsored by Playboy and not 12 Jagerbombs and an hour in the powder rooms

And while there’s talk that she could be playing Liz Taylor in a flick (a mental harridan portraying an older, equally dead-eyed lunatic), her work shouldn’t ever be considered as inspiration for a tattoo.

Other possible highlight from 2011 that Lindsay might want to commemorate:

• Racking up $1.4m in legal fees
• Losing $10,000 cash at a house party
• Being photographed French-kissing her own mother
• Having her dad tell everyone that she’s ‘either smoking crack or meth’
• Being sentenced to 30 days in jail
• Getting fitted with a new set of teeth to make her look less of a meth-head
• Spending over $90,000 on limos
• Being accused of having an affair with married man Vikram Chatwal
• Threatening to sue Pitbull, Dania Ramez and Mena Suvari,
• Being caught shoplifting a necklace
• Getting sued for assault and battery

To be fair, we only went as far back as far as July 2011 before we got bored of thinking of reasons why 2011 was ‘a great point of her life’.

It’s entirely possible that she saved some nuns, puppies and orphans from a house fire previous to this.

Lindsay darling, when most people are at a point in their lives they want to remember, they take a Polaroid. They don’t sketch the phrase on their hands like that vigilante from Memento.

There’s nothing good about this tattoo – the hand writing looks like it was scrawled by a drunken crack w- oh, oh wait, we get it now.

This was a guest post by Lady Robotnik and, most likely, she’s gonna kick you into a coma.

Good ol’ Lindsay Lohan. She’s spectacularly hapless isn’t she? You could leave her on an infinitely smooth surface, devoid of any life and, somehow, she’d still end up getting arrested with illegal articles about her person.

She’s a godsend for pondscum like us.

And now, tremendously, she’s threatening to kill people and missing $10,000 from a Chanel purse because, no matter how hard she tries, she simply can’t avoid melodrama and vague trouble. Still, at least we can all gawp at her leaked Playboy nudes, right?

See, LiLo was left irked after her purse got pinched. In leaked audio footage, the Mean Girls actress (we have to keep saying ‘Mean Girls star’ because she’s really done nothing of note since then) can be heard spitting that she’ll “f**king kill someone” if it means she has to go back to jail.

Basically, her passport, some documents and ID was swiped in her hideously expensive bag, which meant that she wouldn’t have been able to get back to Los Angeles in time for her next court date.

That could’ve meant a judge sending her to the slammer.

During the clip obtained by TMZ, Lindsay can be heard saying:

“This is not good. I will f**king kill someone if I even have to get questioned.”

Alas, her bag was eventually recovered along with her documents. Smartly, whoever stole the bag managed to keep a tidy $10,000 for themselves. Nice job Thiefo.

And while all this was going on, the rest of the world was ogling LiLo’s leaked Playboy nudes, which marvellously means that no-one needs to buy a copy now.

Who wants to buy actual magazines these days when you have brilliant sites like this to yoink all the good stuff for you, eh?

Have a look. And no, they are totally not safe to view at work. Or NSFW if you’ve been skim reading.

Images found here. They have more photographs too. Go sue them if you have a problem. Thanks.

Everybody knows that, if you want to really, really, really convey gravitas, pink pen is the way to do it. Suicide note? Pink pen. Will? Pink pen. Dear John letter? Pink pen. First draft of Mein Kampf? Pink pen, preferably glittery.

And so, it has been discovered that Lindsay Lohan’s journal is written in the pinkest of pens. That’s because she’s a girl and all girls always write in pink pen, in their pink diaries, in their pink Hello Kitty bedrooms.

So what’s this about gravitas? Well, if you want the world to hear about your love affair with Heath Ledger and his subsequent death? Pink pen.

See, LiLo isn’t all (the following are alleged for the sake of spying lawmen) stealing jewels, punching people in rehabs, lesbian trysts, class A drugs, falling down drunk, ankle tags, sex toy ranges and getting your boobies out for Hugh Hefner.

Hell no. Lindsay is a real person, with real feelings and a pink biro.

In a joint investigation, Star and RadarOnline have told the world that Lohan uses a pink pen to write in her diary. Of course, the words she’s written in pink aren’t always fluffy and cute.

In a copy of LiLo’s 2008 journal which they’ve somehow obtained, the freckled thesp expresses deep romantico-sexual feelings for Heath Ledger. Her soul was all entwined like mating slugs hanging from a branch by their sexy mucus.

In the journal, LiLopalooza wrote:

“Today Heath died”

“I’m in love with him. . . . He was the love of my life. He taught me so much, and he was everything I’ve ever wanted.”

“I want to hear him laugh and hold me. I crave his touch and care.”

Grieving widow, Michelle Williams, must be absolutely thrilled at this news. Next week, we explore why Hollywood is so bloody incestuous.

It’s good to be writing trash about Lindsay Lohan again. For a moment, it looked like she was going to start being well-behaved and no-one wants that. Premature death, arrest, drug-use – all those things are fine. Being a goodytwoshoes? Who cares?

And since she got her ankle tag off, she’s been doing a nudie photoshoot for Playboy, which is thrilling for all concerned.

Better yet, is that some scamp has decided to leak the cover which features Lohan and her boobies are there and a red chair and… why don’t you see for yourself over the jump?

The rabble-rousing actress was last on these pages as a potential sex-toy (click here for more on the LiLdo) and now she’s going to be the affections of a million trouser botherers.

On the cover, you’ll see LiLo straddling a Playboy bunny shaped chair, with her long, flowing breasts all there, complete with black heels.

Remember folks. If you insist on wearing footwear when naked, never EVER let the things on your feet be white tube socks, okay?

Anyway, it is widely rumoured that Lohan was paid $1 million for the shoot and it was going to be revealed – remarkably – on the Ellen DeGeneres show on December 15th.

We’ll show it off instead.

Of course, we’re too thick to actually hack an account and leak something. A random internet search showed these people showing it off. They’re one of many. So if anyone is thinking of suing us, go see the Metro newspaper first eh? No-one actually enjoys reading that, so go book ‘em Danno!

Speaking about the snaps, which appear in the January/February issue of the magazine, Hefner spoke about the inspiration behind the shots.

“It’s a classic tribute, inspired by the original Tom Kelley nude pictorial of Marilyn Monroe. [It's] classy, very classy”

“It turned out very well. I would say that I had some reservations early on, but after a couple of false steps, everybody came on board and it’s going to be very exciting”

Marilyn Monroe? BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORING. We’re sick of the bloody sight of her.

For some reason, we’ve credited you slobs with some intelligence. Christ knows why. We’ve read the comments you leave. Either way, some of you ain’t so bad. Some of you have probably only seen Jersey Shore out of morbid curiosity.

If you watched it, you probably thought ‘By Jove! This is faker than Kim Kardashian’s wedding!‘

If you’ve been watching the antics of Snooki & Co, thinking that it’s BLATES REAL (or whatever you wobbling colostomy bags say these days), then we’ve got news for you. And someone with more spare time has made a video which proves it. OKAY?

The scene in question concerns Snooki and Deena having a fight in a bar.

Remember that?

No, not THIS fight involving Snooki…

It’s a different one. That said, the above video looks grimly real. No, this one involved a hissy fit in a bar and it looked for all the world that a bartender lobbed ice at Snooki and Deena which saw them trashing the place.

Have a look.

It’s clearly all bollocks.

Legally, we should say that MTV’s response was “It’s all real, and we couldn’t make this all up.”

You don’t care do you?

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When you need money, you need money, right? We’ve all, at some point, turned our mothers in to become prostitutes when we’ve needed money to buy rolling tobacco and cans of Spesh. However, when you’re a celebrity, you simply turn yourself in.

How wonderful that must be.

And Lindsay Lohan, fresh off the back of accepting a large cheque to bare her boobies in Playboy, could well be going into the sex toy industry. Could it be a lifesize Lohan doll you can have your way with? Or will it be a contraption called ‘The Parent Trap’, which is like a Chinese finger trap, for genitals?

Apprently, LiLo has been offered $1 million to launch her very own line of bedroom toys.

There’s a lot of themes you could play with when designing these things. A diamond-encrusted one, akin to the jewels she stole from that shop! Or maybe, one that smells of a boozy burp in rehab? Or a particularly large vibrator that makes you screw your face up like a mean girl?

The best, of course, would be the handcuff set, completely with sexy judge’s wig.

Not sure you’d want to see a line that is based on her current community service work at the Los Angeles County Morgue. Takes allsorts though.

No. The offer, as it stands, is from a sex toy manufacturer who want a mould of LiLo’s genitals so that… well… if you need telling what comes next, then it’s time for you to start using the internet properly.

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Boob enthusiasts may want to take note of this article. Y’see, Lindsay Lohan appears to be getting her freckled bangers out in the fresh air while someone photographs them, so we can use them for our own nefarious purposes.

That’s right. Provided she doesn’t end up someone’s prison bitch any time soon, LiLo is doing a nude photoshoot for Playboy.

She’ll be getting nearly a million dollars for it, which means that each of her boobs is worth more than an entire you.

Hugh Hefner will be trying to forget about that painful, failed marriage and offering Lindsay lots of money to get ‘em out for us.

Maybe she’ll use the money to get her teeth fixed?

According to sources, the shoot started over the weekend, which means that Linds must be juggling her morgue duties with getting naked. Hopefully, the shoot is taking place amongst the cadavers, just for interest of course.

Of course, we’ve all seen Lindsay Lohan’s busters before. She flopped them out in Robert Rodriguez’s Machete as well as posing boobful as icon Marilyn Monroe for New York magazine in 2008.

While this is all well and good, we much prefer the drug-taking, getting into fights in rehab, always drunk, jewel stealing Lohan that was constantly on our radar for all those years.

Better than nothing.

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Lindsay Lohan has, once again, been troubling the media outlets with her presence again. Basically, she’s not being fulfilling her court-order and dodging her community service. At the same time, she’s been spotted with little stumpy teeth.

That’s right. All her pegs are falling out of her mouth and it’s kinda funny.

Even funnier is that she’s probably going to be sent by a judge to a place filled with dead-bodies. Will people be able to tell her apart from the rotting cadavers, leaving her being slammed into one of those refrigerated filing cabinets with a note on her toe? We can only hope.

Lohan’s got yet-to-be-completed work at the Los Angeles County Department of Coroner. That may sound duller than ditch water, but it’s an exciting three-building complex that houses more corpses than Charlie Manson’s daydreams.

It really is a wonderful place. You should visit.

While she’s there, Lohan will have to do a bunch of lousy activities. A spokesman for the cadaver factory says:

“The people who come here to perform community service are generally engaged in custodial or janitorial duties.”

“They also do some other tasks, such as laundry…essentially, emptying trash cans, mopping floors, cleaning bathrooms, restocking bathrooms, basic custodial stuff.”

Surrounded by dead bodies! HURRAY! And we can only imagine what you’d find in a trashcan that is held in corpse central.

Just imagine emptying a bin full of rotten fingers. JUST PICTURE THAT. Enjoying your lunch?

She may also have to prepare the plastic sheets they wrap up the bodies in. Ain’t that grand?

Don’t worry too much for LiLo. She’s amazingly reckless and wealthy so she’ll get over it. If she doesn’t, she’ll hit the sauce again and end up on these very pages after she’s got in loads of trouble with everyone.

It really is win-win.

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You know Jersey Shore? That’s right – the thing you can blame dreck like Geordie Shore and The Only Way Is Essex on. Well, one of the stars of the show – The Situation – is a monumental penis who has somehow weaselled his way into the VIP section.

So all is well? Not quite.

See, while he’s the star of a hit MTV show, some people aren’t so taken with him. Despite the free advertising that comes with appearing on a widely watched show, Abercrombie & Fitch have posted a statement on their website asking Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to stop wearing their clothes. That’s how much they hate him.

A&F say:

“We are deeply concerned that Mr. Sorrentino’s association with our brand could cause significant damage to our image”

Okay.

“We understand that the show is for entertainment purposes, but believe this association is contrary to the aspirational nature of our brand, and may be distressing to many of our fans.”

Distressing? Really? What kind of simpering, spineless wimp wears Abercrombie & Fitch clothes then? The kind that feel distress when someone they don’t like buys the same clothes as them? Jesus Christ on a bike.

“We have therefore offered a substantial payment to Michael ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino and the producers of MTV’s The Jersey Shore to have the character wear an alternate brand. We have also extended this offer to other members of the cast, and are urgently waiting a response.”

Wait. So A&F are offering money to people to NOT wear their clothes? Can we, the team of ‘spray degenerates, also have money? We’ll accept money to never buy your clothes, even in the past.

Seems like we’ve got an Abercrombie & Fitchuation on our hands.

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