Lindsay Lohan is rather attached to her Twitter account. Attached in a way one should never become attached to a social network. Attached like a chocoholic to their very last Rolo, if you will.

The star can often be found on Twitter taking utter leave of her senses. That is to assume that she had any senses to begin with, but there are only so many hours in a day and we have to start somewhere.

She tells Twitter her intimate secrets. She shares her hopes and fears. She uses ellipses and exclamation marks in a manner that suggests she fears a shortage of both. She goes on 140-character rants in a manner that makes you glad she doesn’t have over 100,000 people reading her lunacy. Oh dear, hang on a minute.

Lindsay has been ranting a whole lot on her Twitter lately. Damn near daily. In fact we can assume she’s going on a rant right now. Listen. If you prick up your ears you can probably hear her mobile phone screaming in pain at having the snot beaten out of it with the constant updating.

Lindsay has been using the site as a means to reach out to longtime love Samantha Ronson. That is an oddity. We’re quite sure that at some point while dating someone you might be allowed to have their phone number. Better yet, you may even be privy to their home address. As such you could harass them on their doorstep, rather than making a fool of yourself online. Then there’s the saga with her own father, Michael Lohan, a man whom she labelled “a lunatic”.

The former actress turned total non-druggy – who has probably never tried drugs at all because they’re dangerous and yucky – is getting a bit of a reputation. She is becoming known for going on rants about her loved ones and then deleting the evidence. Thankfully Lindsay doesn’t seem to know about fancy-schmancy things like Print Screen and Copy and Paste. She has no idea her messages live on, even after she hits the delete button.

People reported on some of the messages Lindsay wrote about her father:

“My father is a lunatic & doesn’t even deserve such a title since he’s never been around in my life other than when he’d threaten me & my family,” Tweeted Lindsay, who just finished shooting the thriller Machete opposite Robert DeNiro. “He should be where he has always put himself after verbally abusing and physically abusing people all my life-behind bars.”

There’s no getting away from how Lindsay feels about her father. He is seeking conservatorship of her giant mountain of money, which is bound to cause friction. No – he wants conservatorship to stop her accidentally poking herself in the eye with sharp objects. No – he wants control over her so he can stop her from going on Twitter all the bloody time.

From Radar Online:

“As far as Lindsay is concerned, if she goes into a rehab, I will stop,” he told RadarOnline.com exclusively. “But if the lies continue and the prescription drug use doesn’t stop, neither will I.”

Whatever he wants, he is refusing to stop going to the press until Lindsay caves in. He’s been in the press almost every day for the last week. Taking that into account, we think Lindsay should cave in and stop kissing Gerard Butler or whatever she’s doing right this second and do as her dad says.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, who we all heart very much

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Star Wars and Clone Wars.

Folded:

• Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (zip-line! The train! The mountains! Holy crap!)
• Batman bike leathers (these are either too cool for school or too sad for words. Not sure yet)
• A ‘state of the art film centre for London’s South Bank’ (so we can’t really afford £45 million quid at the moment, but what else is new?)
• The kid in THIS PRAM (…will have the best story to tell when he gets older. Pity he won’t remember any of it)
• Awkwardfamilyphotos.com (very funny, so long as you don’t see yourself on there)

Creased:

• Life after Uncharted 2 (too upsetting to think about. Alcoholism maybe?)
• The Twilight Saga: New Moon (is anyone over sixteen actually excited about this?)
• JD’s Don Johnson stubble on Scrubs (possibly he’s shaved it off by now. Still though, very late eighties)
• Leave it to Lamas (can you believe this guy was in Grease?! Scrap that, he was Renegade!)
• Lindsay Lohan (what has she done to herself now?)

Here’s some good news – New Lindsay Lohan has regressed. Long live Old Lindsay Lohan. Or New Old Lindsay Lohan.

Or something. Anyway, Lindsay Lohan is brilliant again. Hooray! Just a few days after she was hauled to court, Lindsay Lohan has regressed again and apparently decided to take a restraining order out against her father in case he decides to kidnap her. It’s just like the good old days!

Although let’s just pray that Lindsay Lohan doesn’t keep regressing too much – if she regresses back to her childhood then she’ll start making films that aren’t terrible again, and where’s the fun in that?

We hinted at it last week when she was ordered to court for alcohol-related matters, but now it’s official – Lindsay Lohan has started being interesting again. She’s emerged from her lesbian phase and – if the stories about her and Balthazar Getty are true – defaulted back to the phase where she just has a load of disinterested sex with a bunch of desperately unsuitable men all the time.

But most importantly, Lindsay Lohan has fallen out with her dad Michael Lohan again. Actually, no, we take that back – she hasn’t fallen out with him so much as started to take a restraining order out against him because she’s paranoid about being kidnapped by him. And, to be fair, she might have a point. Just last week Michael Lohan told X17:

“If I can’t get a conservatorship, then I’m going to take her to an undisclosed location and get her straight. But I know I’m gonna get charged with kidnapping.”

Although that seems unusually on the button for a kidnapping threat, Lindsay Lohan should know by know that her father would never do anything to hurt her. Just because he’s a washed-up ex-jailbird absentee father with a proven history of telling the press every last secret about Lindsay’s private life in a harrowing effort to ride the coattails of her constantly diminishing fame until she drops dead, it doesn’t mean that Michael Lohan is a bad person. Oh, wait, sorry. It might do. Sorry.

It’s hard to know who to side with here, isn’t it? On one hand Michael Lohan is saying that he only wants the best for his daughter. On the other hand, the thought of spending any amount of time in an undisclosed location with Michael Lohan makes us want to start systematically removing the skin from our face and torso with our fingernails. Then there’s Lindsay Lohan – she might have a troubled relationship with her dad, but is seeking a restraining order against a member of your own family really necessary?

After some consideration, we’ve decided that we can’t side with Lindsay Lohan or Michael Lohan here. Instead, we’re going to side with Dina Lohan. Or, to be more accurate, we’re going to side with Dina Lohan as soon as she decides to never have any contact with the rest of the human race ever again. As would anyone.

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This weekend thieves broke into Kourtney Kardashian’s home and stole jewellery worth around $80,000.

But they didn’t take her dignity. True, the only reason for that is because, as a star of an E! reality show and the sister of a woman who everyone has seen getting unenthusiastically diddled from behind on the internet, Kourtney Kardashian shed every last ounce of her dignity long, long ago. But that’s not our point. Our point is that Kourtney Kardashian was burgled this weekend.

So keep your eyes on eBay. As soon as you see a bunch of ugly necklaces that you wouldn’t even wear as a joke, we’ll have found our prime suspect.

If we know our crimes, then burglary to order only tends to happen in the art world, when a billionaire collector pays someone to illegally help complete a priceless set of paintings. But it isn’t a crime exclusive to the art world. For instance, we’re starting to get the impression that a billionaire collector of jewellery belonging to the world’s most pointless, colossally minor celebrities is paying someone to complete his admittedly ridiculous set, too.

Look at the facts. Since last Christmas Paris Hilton has been burgled, and Audrina Partridge from The Hills has been burgled, and Orlando Bloom has been burgled and Lindsay Lohan has been burgled. And now Kourtney Kardashian has been burgled, too. Someone out there must have a real grudge against rubbish celebrities who don’t really serve any real purpose on the planet. What? Don’t look at us. It wasn’t us? Jesus. The New York Daily News reports:

Thieves broke into reality star Kourtney Kardashian’s home this weekend and stole tens of thousands of dollars worth of jewelry. Kardashian went to dinner with boyfriend Scott Disick about 7 p.m. Saturday. She returned about 8:30 p.m. to find her Calabasas townhouse ransacked. Among the items the pregnant starlet reported missing were her $30,000 Cartier watch, Disick’s Rolex and various pricey diamond pieces.

Although this is bound to be upsetting for Kourtney Kardashian, the news is bound to have greater repercussions for the celebrity world at large. You might see this spate of robberies and assume that a talented gang of thieves in the Los Angeles area is simply maximising on the busy social lives of young celebrities by raiding their homes for jewels whenever they’re not around, but that’s not what’s really going on here. No, what’s really going on is 2009.

Look at what 2009 has been doing to celebrities – it’s either been killing them or robbing them based on how much people like them. If the celebrity is generally well-loved by fans – like Michael Jackson or Stephen Gately or Farrah Fawcett – then 2009 has killed them. But if they’re a bit annoying and pointless – like Kourtney Karadshian or Lindsay Lohan or Orlando Bloom – then 2009 will just pinch a bunch of their stuff instead.

It’s a genuine worry, and if we were famous we’d be doing our utmost to ensure that we were as horrible and useless and stupid as we could possibly be, just to make sure that 2009 didn’t kill us in our tracks.

Although if we were Kerry Katona we’d probably invest in some sort of biometric safe as well. It’s more or less a foregone conclusion, really.

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These are testing times for Lindsay Lohan. Her acting career is kaput. Her fashion career was stillborn.

She looks about 50. So Lindsay Lohan has little choice but to turn to the thing she’s best at – breaking the law. Lindsay Lohan has been ordered to court today, reportedly because she’s violated the terms of her alcohol education order. There’s a chance she’ll even wind up in jail, too.

It’s just Lindsay Lohan’s rotten luck, isn’t it? A few months ago she’d have jumped at the chance to spend a few months trapped in a room with a bunch of mannish criminals. Oh casual lesbianism, why must you be so faddish?

Not so long ago, we were starting to get afraid that Lindsay Lohan was getting a bit dull. Maybe it was because she was undergoing an alcohol education course and had found herself a long-term partner, or maybe our brain had just blocked her out like it starts to do if you hang around a particularly noxious guff for too long, but it’s clear that new Lindsay Lohan wasn’t a patch on old Lindsay Lohan.

You remember old Lindsay Lohan. She’s the one who’d crash her car into a shrub or get loaded on cocaine and commandeer vehicles with the rallying cry of “I can’t get in trouble. I’m a celebrity. I can do whatever the fuck I want.” You remember. She was excellent.

And, excellently, she appears to be back. Lindsay Lohan has been ordered to appear at Beverly Hills Superior Court today, with some reports suggesting that it has something to do with a violation of the same alcohol education course she was placed on after her last bout of DUI arrests. ABC News reports:

Lohan, 23, risks being sent to jail if she is found to have broken her probation or other orders imposed as part of her sentence. Beverly Hills Superior Court judge Marsha Revel told Lohan to attend Friday’s normally routine hearing in person, court officials said. Celebrity web site TMZ.com said officials running the alcohol education program had expressed concern about Lohan to the court.

Now, OK, it’s not a great surprise that someone as troubled as Lindsay Lohan might have fallen off the wagon a little bit. But sending her to jail? Really? That sounds a touch harsh. Lindsay Lohan has a problem and, rather than punish her for it, she should be given help. And when we say help, we mean booze. Lindsay Lohan should be given booze. At least that way we’ll have fun stuff to write about again.

And also, throwing celebrities into jail for DUI-based probation violations is so 2007. And we’ve seen Lindsay Lohan’s fashion collection, so we know that her style is definitely not 2007. It’s more 1993, round the back of Quality Seconds, in the bin. So treat her like that, please.

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Lindsay Lohan is all about unfulfilled promise – that’s why her movie career peaked with the Parent Trap remake.

And then there’s her music. And her lesbianism. Whenever Lindsay Lohan looks like she might have a flair for anything, it always ends in disappointment. And Lindsay Lohan has had enough of this, so she’s decided to cut out the middle man and just be disappointing at something right from the get-go.

So Lindsay Lohan has picked fashion, with her new collection being described as ‘cheesy’ and ‘embarrassing’. Which, incidentally, is exactly how her genitals and breasts are often respectively described.

Right now, Lindsay Lohan’s career is in tatters. Her movies go straight to DVD. Her third album, which she started two years ago, is nowhere to be seen. And her rumoured reality TV show seems to have gone cold.

So if you can’t act, can’t sing and your ambitions to be a TV presenter are consistently thwarted at every turn, where do you turn? Simple: fashion. It worked for Victoria Beckham, after all.

And that’s what Lindsay Lohan has done – she’s teamed up with Spanish fashion designer Estrella Archs and designed a Spring 2010 Ungaro collection, which was debuted during Paris Fashion Week yesterday. And, if we’re being serious for a moment, fashion seems like the perfect outlet for Lindsay Lohan’s creativity.

Well, alright, maybe not her creativity – but she does look about 30 years older than she actually is and her skin’s all leathery and her voice has become unfathomably hoarse and her lips look unnaturally big and she seems like she needs a good night’s sleep and she looks like she smells of stale cigarette cack and profound spiritual emptiness, so she’s halfway to being Donatella Versace anyway. Yeah, fashion’s the perfect fit for Lindsay Lohan.

Or at least fashion would be the perfect fit for Lindsay Lohan if Lindsay Lohan was able to show even a basic level of aptitude for it which, judging by the responses to her new collection, she obviously can’t. WWD reports:

The clothes… looked cheesy and dated, as has often been the case chez Ungaro during the post-Emanuel revolving door of designers. Hot pink, orange and flashy, with an overworked heart motif relentless in its execution, the collection displayed none of the promised younger side Lohan was supposed to deliver… Glitter heart pasties all around, ladies?

If you couldn’t really absorb much of that last paragraph, either because you don’t understand the self-regarding impenetrable fashion-speak or because – as in our case – all the self-regarding impenetrable fashion-speak makes you want to repeatedly punch yourself in your own mouth, then let us translate for you. We think it says that Lindsay Lohan’s clothes aren’t very good because some of them are pink. Or something.

Ha. Pink clothes. That Lindsay Lohan is such an idiot.

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9 - Hands up who wants to see a trippy pool table? – Geekologie

8 - Even good things can make you sick, thinks Cheryl Cole – Mychemicaltoilet

7 – All the hippest trendy-bendies were at London Fancy Dress Week. See them here – Popsugar

6 – Here’s some sexy actresses with tatts – Interestment

5 - Learn to tell jokes like you’re on telly – Watchwithmothers

4 - Someone appears to be touching Katy Perry’s breasts who isn’t Katy Perry – Amy Grindhouse

3 – Frasier theme tune played backwards = some pretty creepy shiz. Check it out – Best Week Ever

2 - Lindsay Lohan, Debbie Harry, Daisy Lowe. But not as you know them… – Celebrity Clown Face

1 – You know, there was a time when it was totally fine for men to be men…

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Parade has always felt as though it were one of the more benign of the women’s magazines. It appears to avoid some of the sleazier bylines of the younger magazines like Cosmopolitan and Glamour.

Gone are sub-headings about nifty ways to snare a mate without being slapped with a restraining order. Gone are articles about how to put out on the first date like a good little alpha-female whose moral compass has been carefully whittled over the years thanks to dozens of Sex and the City re-runs.

Seems all of those years of playing sexual second-fiddle to the more overt magazines is taking its toll on Parade. The magazine is biting back and calling a slightly odd selection of celebrities promiscuous, in an attempt to get its sexy back.

On the cover of the new issue of Parade is Barbra Streisand. Yes, Barbra Streisand. Not an easy target, or someone who will lure money right out of a consumer’s wallet using their sexy-face (yes, we’re talking to you Megan Fox). In the publication, Parade released the results of its Summer 2009 Pop Culture Poll. For the most part the poll just has some delightful titbits you may otherwise struggle to get through your day without; for example, Michelle Obama is the biggest trendsetter, and Brad and Angelina are the sexiest couple.

The questions in the poll manage to be inoffensive, save for one oddity.

Can someone please explain to us and the equally bemused beauties over at Jezebel what on earth a poll in Parade is doing with a ‘Who do you think is the most promiscuous celebrity?’ category? What on earth is any magazine doing asking its readers who the biggest celebrity skank is? We’re all for calling celebrities out on their shortcomings, but what the hell Parade? What the hell!

The question is bizarre. As are the options one has to choose from. The celebrities the magazine ask you to rank in order of skankiness are Paris Hilton, Kate Hudson, John Mayer, Lindsay Lohan, Pamela Anderson and A-Rod.

The only one of these people not in a relationship to mind is John Mayer. However, they have all been in fairly long-term relationships at one point or another. For example, Kate Hudson and A-Rod (Alex Rodriguez) are currently dating each other, which you would think would be enough to get them both off the list.

Paris Hilton has done a lot to earn the nickname Parasite, but in all fairness, she is usually in a relationship and is currently demonstrating her non-hoeness by dating the same guy she ditched earlier in the year. Lindsay Lohan is in an on-again-off-again jaunt into lesbianism, but she is in something of a monogamous relationship. Lastly, Pamela Anderson has been living in white-trash bliss with some dude (who we cannot bring ourselves to care about as he is not famous) for quite some time now.

Rather than scrape the barrel and resort to name-calling that is better left to websites called snappy things like hecklerspray, perhaps Parade should stick to knitting patterns and summer polls that don’t call out obvious targets like celebrities for their questionable moral standing. Poor form Parade. Poor form.

This was a guest blog by the supreme almighty Amy Grindhouse.

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If a number of items described as ‘tatty’, ‘mangy’ and ‘reeking of cigarettes’ start appearing on eBay, you know why.

It’s because Lindsay Lohan has been robbed. According to reports, Lindsay Lohan is shaken following an apparent burglary at her home this weekend. We know – Lindsay Lohan’s apparently got stuff worth stealing. Who’d have guessed?

Although Lindsay wasn’t at home at the time, the thieves broke into her safe, swiping bags, clothes and jewellery in the process. Also reported stolen was Lindsay Lohan’s dignity, but that might just be an insurance fiddle – because, honestly, that thing’s been missing for years.

Do you like collecting boxes of unsold I Know Who Killed Me DVDs? Do you have a rampant phobia of underwear? Are you under the mistaken illusion that Lindsay Lohan is a successful actress and therefore has millions of dollars worth of stuff? You do? Then, admit it, you broke into Lindsay Lohan’s house this weekend, didn’t you?

Because someone sure did. Early on Sunday morning, while Lindsay Lohan was in New York – presumably shouting at somebody or trailing around listlessly after a man-faced lesbian – her home in the Hollywood hills was reportedly broken into, with thieves stealing… actually, you know what? Let’s let Lindsay’s mother Dina Lohan explain what happened, because we heard that if you don’t give her enough attention then she shrivels up and dies, and we’re feeling charitable. Dina Lohan told People:

“It’s true. The safe was ripped out of the wall, and the door was off the hinges and door handles removed. Bags, shoes and jewelry were taken too. Thank God she wasn’t home… Ali and Linds just left me in New York, and left people in charge to pack, as we are moving her to a safer place. She is okay, but upset.”

Dina Lohan would have said more, but she was in a hurry to get to the offices of E! to pitch a new Dog The Bounty Hunter-style reality TV show about her quest to catch Lindsay’s robbers. It won’t be exactly the same as Dog The Bounty Hunter, though – instead of bear mace, she’ll render suspects helpless with the sound of her own grating, awful, two-cruiseships-scraping-against-each-other-in-an-infinite-echo-chamber voice, which is obviously worse.

But whoever was responsible for Lindsay Lohan’s burglary, it’s safe to say that Lindsay could probably use a little extra security. It’s not just this incident – a little over two months ago £250,000 of jewels were stolen from one of her photo shoots. Now, we’re not suggesting that Lindsay carried out these robberies herself – because thieves are generally quite clever and we expect that Lindsay Lohan gets routinely outsmarted by inanimate objects – but if she isn’t careful then the next thing that’s stolen from her could be something she really cares about.

Like, for instance, the sound of her own voice. Or a reminder of when she was legitimately famous. Or whatever.

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Nobody needs to know that Sam Ronson has apparently bought Lindsay Lohan a big pile of sex toys for her birthday.

We didn’t need to know, we didn’t want to know and we feel a bit sick now. Which is why we had to tell you lot, so you can feel as ill as we do.

Yep – sick as a dog.

When looking through what there is in the world to report on we went through many reasonable stories – the ever-stunning Mickey Rourke fighting roadworks, the ongoing saga of Jordan and Peter Andre which we all care so deeply about or even the court appearance of the now-less-frightening Amy Winehouse.

But even though they were the better things to report on, we had let out eyes rest for too long on the news that Sam Ronson had allegedly bought her on-off-in-out-on-through-again girlfriend Lindsay Lohan a basket of dildos.

Sometimes we wish our eyes would just piss off and stop relaying information to our brain, just so we didn’t know anything about this ever happening.

Even if it isn’t true – it is from the reputed journal that is the National Enquirer, after all – it’s still a sick enough thought to make us actually want to die. Or go on a killing spree. Probably more the second one, as hecklerspray values its own life over that of others.

As the Enquirer said with its evil, evil, eye-poisoning words:

“Samantha presented her with a gift guaranteed to create lots of buzz – a big, brightly gift-wrapped basket of sex toys selected by herself. She spent hours shopping Hollywood’s erotic emporiums for the items.”

Going so far as to throw in a “buzz” pun makes it more sickening than we ever thought possible. We thought it was bad that the video of Michael Jackson’s head exploding was released about thirty seconds after he’d died, but this is a new low.

We hope you’re all happy now. In our pursuit for excellence, we’ve had to learn this information. To consider this thought. To think about Sam Ronson, Lindsay Lohan and a big pile of rubber tallywhackers.

We blame you, and only you for this.

If we had to describe I Know Who Killed Me in one word, that word would be ‘potential’.

And Georgia Rule? ‘Potential’. And, dear sweet baby Jesus, Labor Pains? That thing very obviously had potential coming out of its arse. But The Hangover, the biggest comedy movie of the summer that’s so far taken over $270 million worldwide and has reignited Heather Graham’s previously-dormant career? Ugh. That thing’s got zero potential. It’s the anti-potential. It repels potential.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the wonderful world of Lindsay Lohan’s genuinely demented thought processes. Don’t stay here too long – it’s terrifying.

Now The Hangover was good and all – the bit with the tiger was funny, and Mike Tyson stole all the scenes he was in, and it’s brilliant that Zach Galifianakis has finally found the recognition he deserves – but it seems to us like it was missing something.

Sure, it was fine. But the addition of a rasping, emaciated, ginger sort-of-lesbian with an alarming preoccupation with her own vulva and an acting method that involves flatly reading lines off a cue card in between constant drags on industrial-strength cigarettes? Now that would have taken The Hangover to the next level. But sadly it wasn’t to be – according to reports, Lindsay Lohan was offered Heather Graham’s role in The Hangover, but she turned it down because… well, she turned it down because she’s an idiot. Who are we kidding? Us Weekly reports:

Lindsay Lohan declined the role of stripper Jade in The Hangover after declaring the screenplay “had no potential.” A source tells Us that director Todd Phillips approached Lohan to star in the hit flick after their mutual agent campaigned on the actress’ behalf. “The agent tried hard to get Phillips to consider her, and when he finally agreed, Lindsay said she didn’t like the script!”

Of course she turned The Hangover down. Don’t these people know the boxes that a film needs to tick to appeal to Lindsay Lohan? First, is the main supporting character a magical winking car? Will Lindsay Lohan get to play at least two different versions of herself in it? Does the ending make absolutely no sense whatsoever? And, most importantly, will the movie skip a theatrical release and go straight to cable? Because unless the answer to at least three of those questions is yes, Lindsay Lohan isn’t even going to bother reading your stupid little script.

You know, this reminds of that time that Vivien Leigh turned down Gone With The Wind because she didn’t like the colour of the dress that she was expected to wear. Oh, wait, no – no, that didn’t happen, did it? Because Vivien Leigh wasn’t a colossal idiot.

Anyway, we’re personally quite thankful that Lindsay Lohan turned down The Hangover. Because it would have probably made her a viable star again, and if she was acting in films, who’d be left to stumble around outside nightclubs starting fights with everyone all the time? Nobody, that’s who.

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The first time Lindsay Lohan was ever accused of stealing, it was by an unattractive female DJ who then pretended she couldn’t find her heart.

The next time she was accused of stealing it was by the Mexican government – who claimed they couldn’t find Monterrey or three of its suburbs after she stayed there for a long weekend.

The third time she was accused of stealing, allegations included allusions to corporate espionage and reports of illicit Hollywood spray tans.

That last one - it’s unfolding even as we speak.

When Lindsay Lohan isn’t taping two different roles for Disney movie sequels about legalising identical twin incest (or something), she likes to dress in black, sneak into Coca Cola headquarters after hours and rummage through file cabinets looking for that stupid syrup recipe. We’ve heard that once she finds it she just wants to add something that’ll make it a little more egg-noggy.

“Because every day would taste like Christmas,” that’s what we heard she always says. It’s ridiculous, really.

Actually, Lohan probably hasn’t ever really broken into Coke headquarters – but that’s not to say she hasn’t had her skinny little hands in other sorts of corporate thievery. For instance, the Daily News says this:

“[Lohan] is being sued by a St. Petersburg, Fla., chemist for stealing the formula for her sunless tanning spray. Jennifer Sunday filed the lawsuit in Tampa, Fla. Federal court against Lohan and Lorit Simon, a Las Vegas businesswoman who air-brush tans celebrities and partnered up with Lohan to produce Sevin Nyne. Lilo and Simon claim credit for creating the tanning spray over the last three years. But Sunday’s attorney, Marcia Cohen, insists her client only recently perfected the formula used in the spray tan. According to the St. Petersburg Times, Sunday is suing Lohan, Simon, and Simon’s company for breach of contract, theft of trade secrets, civil conspiracy, intentional interference with contractual relations and deceptive and unfair trade practices.”

Well that sounds downright serious. Don’t worry though. We have a feeling that if deciding who actually invented the spray tan gets all the way to court, Lindsay will be able to supply several stained lab coats and cracked protective eye-wear as solid evidence that she was extremely hands-on since day one. Also we’re pretty sure Nostradamus mentioned something about Lohan’s fake tannery several years ago. It’s in the book of Nostradamus Genesis we think. Chapter 3.

If the Lohan lawyer gets a chance to say any of that in court, he really probably should. After all, several needy Hollywood complexions are at stake here. Can you imagine having to watch a Twilight sequel where the actors are even whiter?

Get your nozzles ready Lilo, your services are required.

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What’s the first word that comes to mind when you think of Lindsay Lohan? We’ll tell you. Inspirational.

No, really. Inspirational is the first word that comes to mind when you think of Lindsay Lohan. It is. It is. It is. Shut up. It is.

Alright, inspirational is almost the last word that comes to mind when you think of Lindsay Lohan, sandwiched between ‘well-adjusted’ and ‘clothed’. But Ryan Seacrest clearly thinks that Lindsay Lohan is inspirational, because he’s just hired her to be the judge of his new reality TV show, provisionally titled America’s Next Top Harrowing Trainwreck Hasbeen.

Say what you like about Lindsay Lohan, but never say that she’s lost her dignity. Actually, scrap that. You may as well say that Lindsay Lohan has lost her dignity, because in retrospect that was one of the first things to go. In fact, claiming that Lindsay Lohan still has her dignity is plainly the worst kind of bullshit that only someone who had never heard of Lindsay Lohan would say. So, you know, sorry.

What we meant to say was that, despite all the horrible things that have happened to Lindsay Lohan in recent years – the arrests, the protracted rehab stints, the sudden lesbianism, the nudity, Georgia Rule – at least she never succumbed to the curse of reality television. True, her family did, but that was only because her mother is such a desperate attention-whore that we suspect it was either star in a reality TV show or get her bum out for strangers at bus stops.

But not Lindsay Lohan. She long ago decided that a Denise Richards: It’s Complicated-style reality series wasn’t for her, partly because her life is already comprehensively documented in magazines and on the internet, and partly because there’d be other choice but to call the series Lindsay Lohan: It’s A Staggeringly Morbid Spectacle That Will Puncture Any Notions You May Have Developed Around The Idea That There’s An Overwhelming Goodness At The Heart Of Humanity, which wouldn’t have really fit into TV guides particularly well.

But all of that ends now, because it’s been reported that Ryan Seacrest has picked up Lindsay Lohan to be a judge on his new reality TV show. The New York Daily News reports:

“Met with Lindsay last night about a show idea I have for her…it helps people and gives others a second shot!” Seacrest wrote on Twitter. “Still putting it all together.”… Lohan, 22, also mentioned details of the pair’s new project on her Twitter page. “Working on a really great project for television – I am excited!” she tweeted. “Something meaningful like Extreme Home Makeover on ABC… ”

According to reports, the new show will be an American Idol-style show which is all teary-eyed sob-story and no hopeless Aerosmith cover versions. Whoever is deemed to have the most miserable life each episode will be given a million dollars to turn their lives around and definitely not spend any of it on drugs and glue-sniffing prostitutes.

And, just to reiterate, Lindsay Lohan is going to be a judge on this show. A judge. Not a contestant. A judge.

Even though a) we strongly presume that Lindsay Lohan thinks that she’s the only living person on the entire face of the planet, b) paying Lindsay Lohan to offer advice to people who no longer want to have troubled lives is a little bit like paying Jeffrey Dahmer to offer advice to people who no longer want to rape, torture, murder, dismember and eat arbitrarily-chosen members of the public and c) the extent of Lindsay Lohan’s advice is likely to be “Hey, have you thought about making a low-budget movie about a pair of amnesiac lapdancing twins? It certainly worked for me!” Lindsay Lohan is actually going to be a judge on Ryan Seacrest’s new TV show.

It sounds horrible. We literally can’t wait for it to start.

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Is Lindsay Lohan a jewel thief? No. No she almost certainly is not. Seriously, have you seen Lindsay Lohan lately?

Honestly, if you can’t read the script to I Know Who Killed Me without realising that it’s terrible, or even go out in public without ending up rocking backwards and forwards like some kind of disturbingly foetal mad-eyed lunatic, you’re hardly going to be able to mastermind a jewel-theft, are you?

Nevertheless, jewels worth have been stolen from a Lindsay Lohan photoshoot. Lindsay’s not a suspect, though – unless she scared the jewels away with her scary voice and freckly knockers.

Lindsay Lohan is in trouble, that’s plain to see. Her movie career has gone down the toilet, her love life is a 10-car pile-up and, worse than that, she’s got ginger hair. It’s in desperate times like these that people are pushed to take extreme courses of action.

Extreme courses of action like, to throw a completely hypothetical scenario out there, swiping Dior jewels worth £250,000 from a magazine photoshoot. In completely unrelated news, Dior jewels worth £250,000 have gone missing from a Lindsay Lohan photoshoot for Elle magazine in London, and police are on the case.

And, before you get the wrong impression, Lindsay Lohan probably didn’t have anything to do with it, OK? Her spokesperson has said so and everything. Reuters reports:

The police said there had been no arrests, and that they would be interviewing several people in connection with their inquiry. A spokeswoman for Lohan acknowledged the probe. But she added that there were some 20 people at the photo shoot, Lohan was not being investigated personally and she had not yet been questioned by police. “No one has contacted us” about it, said the spokeswoman.

And, to be honest, you don’t exactly need to be Columbo to realise that Lindsay Lohan probably wasn’t behind the jewel theft. To demonstrate, here’s a list of why the police should immediately rule Lindsay Lohan out of their investigation:

1 - Jewel thieves tend to be charming, polite to a fault and alluringly rakish. In comparison Lindsay Lohan is massively obnoxious, has a voice like a particularly offensive ship’s foghorn and, from certain angles, looks a bit like a weather-beaten garden rake.

2 - Jewel thieves tend to be criminal masterminds. In comparison we get the feeling that if Lindsay Lohan even manages to put her shoes on the right feet in the morning she regards it as a small personal victory.

3 – Lindsay Lohan is a world leader when it comes to pointless attention-seeking. If she was behind the theft, we could expect about 14 different MySpace blog posts about how clever she was for stealing the jewels, an additional 375 Twitter entries blaming the media for making her steal the jewels and a handful of ghastly reality TV shows about different members of her family reacting to the news that she stole the jewels. So far, none of these things have happened.

So, no. It might be jumping the gun a little, but we’re going to put it out there and suggest that Lindsay Lohan definitely didn’t steal those jewels from her photoshoot. Unless, you know, one of the jewels looked even slightly like Sam Ronson. In which case Lindsay probably ate it.

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All of a sudden everyone’s bisexual, everyone.

The Big Brother people, Megan Fox, the one from Black Eyed Peas – everyone. Unfortunately, we’re not impressed one jot, because, frankly, being bisexual is a doddle. The ones we really look up to are the lesbians. And to prove it, here’s a list of the greatest lesbians walking the earth…

Jodie Foster

Jodie Foster kept us all umming and ahhing for years about the state of her lesbianism, before casually outing herself during an awards ceremony acceptance speech. It was a move akin to OJ Simpson admitting murder at a parent’s evening. She gives lesbians a good name by not conforming to dungareed stereotypes, and having an air about her that suggests bisexuality is totally out of the question. Women only for this chick, fellas.

Martina Navratilova

Of course, now we all know that at least fifty per cent of women tennis players are actually married or going out with one another, but it took Martina to open our eyes to the sexual side of the lady’s tour. In amongst the drippy young things with their fluttering eyes and puff ball skirts, there she was, steely eyed, and cock out. Metaphorically speaking.

Cynthia Nixon

Otherwise known as the ginger one from Sex in The City, Cynthia was probably fourth choice to most regular viewers. Unless, of course, you happen to be a lesbian, in which case she probably topped the list. Why? Because she’s a bloody great big lesbian, just like you are. Although she’s a ginger one.

Alex Parks

For those who can’t remember, Alex was the foghorn voiced lesbian who won Fame Academy a few years ago. She is a fine example of a lesbian who managed to break free from the shackles of her youth, and shine like a bright lesbian star. Unfortunately, that star has totally faded, and now she’s just another washed up lesbian who could have had it all, but has nothing. Just her lesbian friends, and her own lesbianism.

Sinead O’Connor

The lesbian jury is still out on the extent of Sinead O’Connor’s lesbianism. She’s been married more than once to BLOODY MEN, she’s had something like four kids. But in an interview in 2000, she said “I actually am a lesbian.” Would a non-lesbian say that? Would they? We’re not sure.

Portia de Rossi

Even though she’s got blonde hair and a great body, Portia de Rossi isn’t just being lesbian to turn her boyfriend on, she actually is a lesbian! In fact she’s so lesbian that she decided to gay marry Ellen DeGeneres, who is a famous American lesbian. Two lesbians. Married.

Lindsay Lohan

Child star, drugs, then lesbian. That’s your Lindsay Lohan.

To hear more from Josh visit interestment.co.uk

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