LeAnn Rimes, who looks a bit like Mad Magazine’s mascot Alfred E. Neuman in a Miss Piggy wig, would like to draw attention to her breasts if you have a moment to spare. You see, the singer who has re-entered the public’s imagination by having sex with someone new, is having her busters pointed at and talked about.

That’s right. While she was on holiday in Mexico (presumably for the sun as opposed to the smack), paps took pictures of her while she was wearing a bikini… and well… her jugs seemed to be fuller than usual.

So, she’s either pregnant, been eating a lot or, aah! Of course! She’s had a boob-job, right? Well, that’s the rumour doing the rounds anyway.

Mercifully for everyone’s sanity (because we absolutely MUST know about LeAnn Rimes’ tits), the singer was on hand to tweet away about the things no-one is muttering about.

Rimes tweeted:

“The rumors are true….Eddie got chest implants….ok, there FINE ”

Oooh! That’s a reference to her new fiance who is called Eddie Cibrian. She’s the one she fell in love with while she was still with someone else who likes his women to look like fictional cartoon mascots.

That’s not stopped sources coming out and talking about LeAnn’s chest.

“She recently got a boob job. She’s always, always been insecure about her size. She was a small A-cup.

“She often talked about wanting to get implants. She’d say, ‘I just want a little bit so they’re proportionate to my body’.”

In a lovely move, it seems that Rimes got the number for a surgeon from Cibrian… the same one that his ex, Brandi Glanville used. The same woman that Rimes openly loathes.

That’s just great isn’t it?

Anyway, there you have it. We’ve now planted the thought of Alfred E. Neuman, cupping some new knockers in your face and singing bad country ballads, in your minds.

Thank us later.

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LeAnn Rimes doesn’t make much of an impression in the gossip inches normally. That’s because she’s a boring person who does nothing wrong and only has two famous songs. She’s just someone who wanders over the horizon occasionally and then slopes back like Greyfriars Bobby looking for his dead owner.

However, lately, she’s been getting dragged over hot coals after she decided to have an affair with a chap called Eddie Cibrian.

This all sounds rather salacious doesn’t it? Sneaking around, illicit kisses and thriving in the thrill of the chase and the will to not get caught. But wait! What’s this? We shouldn’t rush to any kind of judgement?

So what’s the skinny? Has Rimes been banging her uglies with a series of men, and now she’s finally been caught and shown up to be the homewrecking black widow, obsessed by sex and what she can’t have?

We wish.

Rimes says:

“What happened is not who I am, period.”

“But I do know how much I love him. So I’ve always said I don’t live my life with regret. I can’t.”

See, you probably don’t know or particularly care, Rimes was married to someone called Deane Sheremet, but she met Cibrian while shooting a film called ‘Northern Lights’. Cibrian was raising two children with his wife, Brandi Glanville. But that didn’t stop them having lots of sex with each other. If you want it to be more exciting, you can assume that the pair did at least three sexual positions, including ‘The Testcular Castanet Cluster Finger’.

So what about this affair then?

“It happens every day to so many people. If I take away my album sales, my words … you have just another couple. You had two couples whose marriages didn’t work who really stumbled upon each other and fell in love. I can’t change critics’ minds. Nothing I’m going to say is going to change it. I do know that and I have accepted that.”

So the fact she’s had an affair makes her records bad? Are we reading that correctly? We always thought her records were bad in fairness.

Anyway, Dirty Cibrian chipped in…

“The truth is that we’re human beings. We make mistakes and we learn from them, but we’re human. We fell in love.

“We’re talking about something that’s over a year, year and-a-half old, really, and we’re still together, and we’re madly in love. I think people are finally seeing that, but it doesn’t mean that people will accept it or the tabloids will stop trying to print lies and try to tear us apart or tear us down.”

So there you have it. Two people fall in love even though they’re already married, just like loads of people do all the time who aren’t famous.

Gah.

Celebrities are really determined to make salacious stories as difficult to write as possible. Alas, it looks like we’ll have to go back to criticising the things they make as opposed to the things they do in private.

Or, in the case of LeAnn Rimes, repeatedly point out that, no matter what she does, she’ll always look a bit like a human/piglet hybrid.

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LeAnn Rimes is famous for two primary reasons – her blissfully happy marriage and the fact that she’s not famous.

Or at least she was. Now that LeAnn Rimes’ blissfully happy marriage has withered, she’s only really famous for not being famous any more. And since we’re writing about LeAnn Rimes now, we can’t even be certain of that. Honestly, what is LeAnn Rimes for?

Anyway, LeAnn Rimes is divorcing her husband Dean Sheremet, just days after the man she was reported to be having an affair with divorced his wife. Gosh, wouldn’t it be weird if they ended up together?

We should probably warn you now that this news won’t be for everyone. For starters, you’ll need to be a LeAnn Rimes fan to fully appreciate it, and that more or less rules out everybody who isn’t the squirrel-eating redneck wife of a long-distance truck driver. Oh, and also you’ll need to suffer from a neurological condition that affects your short-term memory, because that’s the only way that any of this will actually seem like news. Everyone else, you’re excused.

So, LeAnn Rimes. Married to a man by the name of Dean Sheremet for seven years. Made a TV movie with a man called Eddie Cibrian this year. Apparently had some sort of affair with Cibrian, as evidenced by a video of LeAnn Rimes sucking his fingers in a restaurant. Got called a stalker by Cibrian’s wife. Suddenly decided to split up with her husband. Appeared in public with Cibrian as he divorced his wife. And that’s where we are today.

What’s the logical next step? That’s right – LeAnn Rimes divorcing her husband for good. And, by golly, that’s what she’s done. LeAnn has written on her website:

“After much thoughtful mutual consideration, Deane (sic) and I have agreed to move forward with dissolving our marriage . This decision was amicable and we remain committed and caring friends with great admiration for one another. Thank you so much for all of  your continued love and support ­ it is deeply appreciated.”

That’s very sweet of LeAnn Rimes – and emotionally mature, too. We just hope that one day we can be in a committed and caring relationship with someone who we can leave the instant a minor star of Baywatch Nights makes moon eyes at us during the filming of a terrible-looking TV movie. And if we can forget how to spell their name in a tossed-off 50-word divorce announcement, then we’ll have really hit the jackpot.

But anyway, LeAnn Rimes is divorcing her husband. Just to save us from writing about this tedious story ever again, let’s just plot out the inevitable course it’s bound to take. First LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian are going to get married. Then Eddie Cibrian will get LeAnn Rimes pregnant. Then they’ll both give their baby a horrific, woefully-spelled name. And that’ll be the end of it.

Our money’s on Gossyuua, by the way. Or Soozuyn.

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Remember Eddie Cibrian, the man who LeAnn Rimes wasn’t anywhere near having an affair with? Remember him?

Well you’ll never guess what. He’s only fallen in love with LeAnn Rimes. We don’t know what caused this dramatic turnaround, but we can only assume that the intensity of the media speculation about whether they were having an affair or not drove Eddie Cibrian into the arms of LeAnn Rimes. That’s the only logical explanation.

That or, you know, they met on the set of a TV movie and both decided to cheat on their respective partners. But that can’t be it.

Well, this is a sad day for everyone. LeAnn Rimes has taken her relationship with Eddie Cibrian public by stepping out with him at a Kings Of Leon concert, ending months of speculation. And when we said it was a sad day for everyone, we meant everyone. For LeAnn Rimes’ husband, it marks the culmination of months of betrayal. For Eddie Cibrian it marks the moment that he primarily becomes known as a marriage wrecker, instead of before when nobody knew him at all. And for LeAnn Rimes, it marks the time when we can all stop being interested in her again.

Actually, no, we take that back. It’s not a sad day for Eddie Cibrian’s wife Brandi Glanville at all. In fact, judging by all the hoo-hah she’s making about this, you’d be forgiven for thinking that it was the best day of her entire life. Brandi Glanville has gone through a lot – she suffered in silence through that video of LeAnn Rimes sucking on Eddie Cibrian’s fingers, she stood by her husband in the face of all the infidelity claims, she even accused LeAnn Rimes of being a stalker at one point, that her reaction to this has all come gushing out at once. People reports:

“He’s just somebody I don’t know. I don’t understand. You think you know one thing and you wake up and it’s all been a lie. I’m just like, ‘You know what? You’re not the man I married.’” She adds that she has spoken with Rimes twice recently, and told her, “‘He’s all yours.’ … There is one side of him that I absolutely love and always will, but that side of him is not the side I’m divorcing.”

It’s always sad when a marriage goes awry – and even sadder when it happens to two marriages – but when it happens to two people we don’t really care about, and nobody comes out of it looking even slightly good, then we think we’re probably OK about it.

But what’s done is done. LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian are together now, and everyone just has to accept that. Hey, maybe they’ll even have kids together. Wow, we wonder what they’ll be like. Will they have LeAnn’s hair, or Eddie’s eyes? One thing’s for sure – with a mixture of genes like that, the kids won’t be even remotely famous.

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Sad news for fans of people who you intermittently forget even exist – LeAnn Rimes has split up with her husband.

The news has come out of nowhere. Maybe in retrospect there were a few awkward glances between them, or a couple of impossible-to-detect microgestures, or an internet video of that entire meal which LeAnn Rimes spent with the fingers of another man shoved inside her gob.

But it’s happened. LeAnn Rimes told concertgoers of the split on Saturday, and it came as a terrible shock. People still pay to see LeAnn Rimes in concert? What are they, mental or something?

Relationships are fragile things. Anything can tear them apart – absence, overfamiliarity, a desire for different things, starring in a ropey straight-to-TV movie with the bloke from Baywatch Nights and then probably having it off with him and incurring the wrath of his wife who calls you a stalker thanks in part to a video of you sucking on his fingers for the entire duration of a dinner date – anything.

And, looking back, it was probably overfamiliarity which drove LeAnn Rimes and her husband Dean Sheremet apart. That or the last one, because that’s almost identical to the thing that happened to LeAnn Rimes, but let’s go with overfamiliarity for now.

How do we know that LeAnn Rimes has split up with her husband? Because, during a concert on Saturday in Utah, LeAnn Rimes used the greatest moment of heartache in her adult life as a segue into one of her rubbishy cowboy songs. Classy. Radar reports:

“It is inevitable that sometimes in a relationship, you will have your heart broken,” she told the crowd. “Sometimes you don’t do anything, but sometimes you want revenge. Sometimes you don’t, and that’s when you just leave it in God’s hands and know that He will take care of it,” she said before breaking into her song.

You see? LeAnn Rimes very specifically stated that she had split up with Dean Sheremet, and that she had her heart broken because Dean wanted revenge even though she didn’t do anything. Or that she did do something and Dean wanted revenge. Or that she did do something and Dean didn’t want revenge. Or that she didn’t do something and Dean didn’t want revenge. Or something. Clear?

Oh, it doesn’t matter – we think LeAnn’s point was that you’re allowed to have it off with other blokes if you like, because God will probably sort it out if you do.

The news that LeAnn Rimes has split up with her husband comes hot on the heels of the news that Eddie Cibrian – the alleged other man in this unholy tangle – has also split up with his wife. It’s just a shame that absolutely nothing ever happened between LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian, because they’re both single now and would probably end up making quite a nice couple.

But, sadly, both LeAnn and Eddie have strenuously claimed that there’s no romantic interest between them whatsoever, which means they’d both look pretty stupid if they did end up getting together now.

They’ll be married by Christmas. Watch.

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Let’s play a game. It’s called ‘name some LeAnn Rimes songs’. How Do I Live Without You. Lovesick Blues. Leaving’s Not Leaving.

I’m Standing Outside Your Bedroom Window With A Knife, A Length Of Rubber Tubing And A Pair Of Your Underpants Held Up To My Mouth And Nose. That last one was a B-side, we think.

The point is, most of LeAnn Rimes’ songs make her sound like a stalker. Which she is, claims the wife of Eddie Cibrian, the co-star she was apparently having an affair with recently – but somewhat inevitably LeAnn Rimes is having none of it.

Celebrities often get their fair share of unwanted attention from fans who appreciate their work so much that they repeatedly try to run down their husbands or attempt to send them a big box of fluid-spattered dildos. But it’s rare for the celebrities themselves to get accused of stalking somebody less famous than them.

No, we take that back. It’s impossible for celebrities to be accused of stalking somebody less famous than them. And, yes, LeAnn Rimes may have just been accused of doing that exact thing, but our rule still stands on the basis that a) LeAnn Rimes isn’t really famous any more and b) if you’re less famous than LeAnn Rimes, that technically means you’re vapour or soot or something, and who’d want to stalk that?

Anyway, regardless of how famous she is, you may remember that LeAnn Rimes was recently accused of cheating on her husband with Eddie Cibrian, her co-star in some awful TV movie that may as well not have had a title for the sparse amount of people who could actually bring themselves to care about it. That claim was seemingly backed up by a video of LeAnn Rimes sucking Eddie Cibrian’s fingers in a restaurant. And then everything went quiet.

Now, that might possibly be because everyone who remembers either LeAnn Rimes or Eddie Cibrian has died of either old age or neglect. But that doesn’t matter, because it’s all back on again – Eddie Cibrian’s wife accused LeAnn Rimes of “stalking” him in a recent US Weekly interview. And now it’s time for LeAnn Rimes to hit back at the claims, as People reports:

“These comments are incredibly defamatory,” a spokesperson for Rimes tells PEOPLE. “While there are always two sides to every story, LeAnn continues to remain above the fray and chooses not to play this out in the press.”

It’s heartening to see LeAnn Rimes take the dignified high ground and decide not to have this out in public. Besides, if LeAnn Rimes starts talking to the media at every opportunity, who’s going to root through Eddie Cibrian’s bins searching for things that smell a bit like him? His wife? Hardly.

Oh, we’re just joking. For all we know LeAnn Rimes isn’t stalking anybody. That’s partly because we wouldn’t be able to pick LeAnn Rimes out of an identity parade even if she was wearing a T-shirt with “I’M LEANN RIMES” written on it and everyone else in the identity parade was a goose, but whatever.

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This alleged affair between LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian has really caught the public’s imagination, hasn’t it?

No. No it hasn’t. And that’s probably down to the fact that if you multiplied all the people in the world who care about LeAnn Rimes with all the people in the world who care about Eddie Cibrian, you’d end up with approximately one person. But that all changes now.

Because now there’s a video of LeAnn Rimes kissing Eddie Cibrian and sucking his finger. Or, to be more accurate, two indistinct grainy blobs jiggling around in a pointlessly nonspecific way. Gotcha, LeAnn!

If you took the world’s greatest novel, changed the setting to modern-day Los Angeles, made the lead characters a hasbeen country singer and a painfully anonymous actor, removed all the fun, suspense and intrigue from it, replaced every word with the word ‘nuh’, painted the cover grey and threw it in a river where nobody could ever read it, it’d more or less be identical to this kerfuffle about LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian.

If you missed yesterday’s story about it, then here’s the two-part recap – PART ONE: LeAnn Rimes has been accused of cheating of her husband with Eddie Cibrian, her co-star in a forthcoming TV movie. PART TWO: The whole thing’s so mind-bogglingly tedious and full of the least famous people on Earth that we don’t even know why we wrote about it once, let alone twice.

However, even though Eddie Cibrian has denied the affair and LeAnn Rimes has sort of denied it, a shocking new revelation has come to light. Well, a new revelation. Well, it’s new. Possibly. Anyway, look, here’s a video that allegedly shows LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian snogging each other over dinner…

Did you see that? Did you SEE that? That bleary grainy blob in what appears to be a hat totally moved about eight pixels closer to the hazily ill-defined grainy blog that may or may not be female! That’s disgusting! Our eyes! There’s… there’s BLOOD COMING OUT OF OUR EYES! Oh LeAnn Rimes, how could you DO this to us?

In case you missed any of the finer details of the video, what with it being unwatchably fuzzy and all, here’s the LA Times with a recap:

Twenty-two seconds into it, US Weekly describes Cibrian arriving at the restaurant. He allegedly takes Rimes’ hand and they walk in the restaurant together. They sit — center left of the frame — and hold hands (36 seconds) and kiss (1:47). At the 2:10 mark, Rimes suggestively sucks on Cibrian’s finger.

Now, even if this is a video of LeAnn Rimes sucking on Eddie Cibrian’s finger, it doesn’t mean that there’s anything funny about it. Maybe he’s been bitten by a viper and she was simply sucking out the poison. Or maybe he wanted her to taste his soup but he didn’t have a spare spoon. Or maybe she accidentally swallowed her car keys and he was searching the inside of her mouth with his hand looking for them.

Or, then again, maybe LeAnn Rimes was suggestively sucking on Eddie Cibrian’s finger. Our point is this: we’d rather throw ourselves under a train than actually bring ourselves to actually care about any of this.

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It’s been a long time coming, but LeAnn Rimes has finally started acting like a genuine country singer.

Unless she hasn’t. Basically it’s been reported that LeAnn Rimes had cheated on her husband with Eddie Cibrian, her co-star in a forthcoming TV movie. Which isn’t really news, since people we don’t care about presumably cheat on their partners with people we’ve never heard of every day.

Anyway, while Eddie Cibrian has denied the affair, LeAnn Rimes has been a little less forthcoming. You know what this means? LeAnn Rimes totally raped Eddie Cibrian in his sleep! Unless she didn’t.

It’s difficult to think of LeAnn Rimes as a country singer, isn’t it? True, she may have ticked most of the appropriate boxes – she sings country music, she’s from the south of America and she has a woefully misspelt name – but there was just one thing stopping us from taking LeAnn Rimes seriously: a hopelessly messed-up personal life.

Having a hopelessly messed-up personal life is rule number one of being a country singer. Until you’ve developed an alcohol dependency, got married to a man who’s been arrested for child abuse or literally shot a stranger in the face, you can’t join the club. And it looks like LeAnn Rimes might have just joined the club.

Even though nobody has seen, heard or even thought of her once in the last decade, LeAnn Rimes is apparently making a TV movie at the moment called Northern Lights. We don’t know what it’s about, and we don’t feel like we have to find out because we’re not going to watch it, you’re not going to watch it and the only people who are going to watch it will be Alzheimer’s sufferers who can’t find their remote control and they’ll forget it ever existed the moment it finishes, so it doesn’t matter.

However, we’d guess that Northern Lights is either very sexy or very boring, because it’s been reported that it pushed LeAnn Rimes into having a passionate affair with her co-star Eddie Cibrian. Unless it didn’t – here’s what Cibrian had to say about it:

“Other than being friends and two actors who were romantically intertwined in a movie-for-television we filmed last fall, there is no truth to the reporting… It is a fabricated story that is using random snapshots as connective tissue to create a scandalous relationship.”

And this hardline denial was backed up by LeAnn Rimes in a blog post yesterday:

“This is a difficult time for me and my loved ones. But I appreciate all your continued support. I would like to assure all of you that this is a place for you to hear things directly from me and as you all know, not everything in our lives is black and white.”

Wait, that’s not a firm denial at all. If anything, it seems like LeAnn Rimes is being deliberately evasive about it all. So what’s going on? Did LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian have an affair or not?

The answer is: we don’t care. It’s LeAnn Rimes, for God’s sake. We’d rather not waste time remembering that she even exists. We’re not mental.

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