OH MY OMG! We can barely contain our gawping tedium at the news that the first footage from the final instalment of the Twilight saga has debuted online! It has Robert Pattinson in saying the least romantic thing in the world in it!
However, this film is all about Bella who is played by Kristen Stewart.
In this stupid installment, Bella becomes a vampire, which of course, means she gets the chance to do something that all actors aspire to do – stare menacingly at a deer. Click over to watch the trailer.
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Robert Pattinson? Shooting his own hand off? Surely any right-minded bullet would be too bored in his presence to actually get the gumption to pass through his doughy flesh? Alas, this is the movies where all manner of unlikely things happen!
That’s right – in new flick Cosmopolis, R-Pattz shoots a Jesus hole in his hand, stabs someone in the eye socket and has lots of sex.
Great news if you’re able to stay awake while he’s on-screen that is.
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Kristen Stewart has reportedly bought Robert Pattinson a £50,000 piano as a surprise. Sadly, the surprise didn’t even vaguely register on Rob’s impressively motionless, grey face. Rumour has it he’s so dull, that he hasn’t blinked in over a decade.
OK! magazine report that Kristen (Robert’s on-screen wife in Twilight) marked the couple’s three-year anniversary by splashing her cash on a top-notch piano.
Alas, music itself is said to have been found on a ledge, threatening to kill itself because the tedium of Pattinson’s company was too much to bear.
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What do you do when you have absolutely no faith in your own abilities or the films you star in? Why, you throw as much nudity at it as humanly possible! And that’s exactly what’s happening with Christina Ricci and Robert Pattinson in their new film, Bel Ami.
This, of course, is a two-pronged attack – Ricci will appeal to thirtysomethings who are under the belief that they fancy someone ‘a bit different’ while Pattinson is a banker for those wanting to milk the piggybanks of tweens who are just discovering their own genitals.
Basically, this film may fail in the box office, but it’ll flood Tumblr with a million well-lit naked .gifs. That’s how we measure success now, right?
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He’s got creepy beady eyes and the skin tone of a bad waxwork model. And the expressive acting of a bad wax work model. And always seems to be standing awkwardly… like a bad wax work model.
Robert Pattinson, human or wax work, is mind bogglingly famous, the sort of famous that makes teenage girls soil themselves in excited glee at the sound of his name. Which is odd for someone so incredibly dull.
Showing himself to be surprisingly aware of the world outside of his corner Madame Tussauds Pattinson has made the least shocking revelation ever to make headlines. The statement also runs the risk of bursting his own fame bubble as his fans realise just how unremarkable he his. Unremarkable and likely to melt in hot conditions.
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So dull that even air has been known to ignore and stagnate around him, Robert Pattison is the most baffling superstar ever generated by the various casting couches of Hollywood.
He’s so forgettable that we can’t think of a suitable ending to this sentence.
And now, to add to his impressively tedious acting résumé, he’s going to pollute the world of music with an awful album of his music, created with his sister Lizzy, who sometimes has to be reminded of her extremely famous, but ultimately stiflingly dull brother.
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It’s a big day for people not being gay. There’s more people going back into the closet than there are lines on Gordon Ramsay’s face today. First Olly Murs does all he can to make himself seem definitely gay, and now Taylor Lautner is at it.
Over Christmas, a copy of a People magazine dated 7th January was circulated around Twitter and that Facebook thing showing Lautner being “out & proud” and ready to “open up about his decision to finally come out.”
Except, get this, the cover isn’t a genuine People magazine cover, and is instead a fake. Forgive us while we hold a white handkerchief to our foreheads and compose ourselves.
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Robert Pattinson may well be so dull that sometimes, even light itself rejects his presence and that, granted, he’s so riddled with tedium that sometimes his heart forgets to pump his boring blood around his lifeless body…
…but he still manages to pop his doo-dah into the girls. Mystifying.
Of course, everyone has been muttering about Pattz and Kristen Stewart getting it on because, quite clearly, they’re a couple. However, rumour has it that Rob has been flinging his grey peen up the front garden of Twillighter Nikki Reed too! Oh the unbearable horror of it all!
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