Kerry Katona is no longer being compensated for work in the form of slightly-past-their-best fish fingers. She’s a fancy celebrity type, and as such she can demand legal tender for her public appearances.

According to a report from the weekend, Kerry’s not worth much. Only £50. Well, that’s pretty much in line with her early Iceland fees. Her body weight in frozen goods from that place can’t be worth more than £50, surely.

In any case, Kerry is now in a sad state of affairs. No longer is she the well-established £250,000-a-year face of Groceries for Chavs - oh sorry, Iceland. No longer are boards of people with questionable judgement naming her ‘Mother of the Year’. No longer is she the fresh-faced, potato-shaped bookend in Atomic Kitten. She’s now the slightly weathered-looking, potato-shaped bird who used to be in Atomic Kitten.

The News of the World outdid itself this week. It actually managed to remind you – as if you needed it – how far down the pooper Kerry’s career has gone. It shocked you with the revelation that people are willing to pay £50 that they’ll never see again just to meet her. It was such a shock that you let out a little gasp, and now the drone at the desk next to yours totally knows you’re surfing, when you should be working. Damn!

Celebrities like Paris Hilton can get paid six-figure sums to turn up to a fancy club. They are offered the fee in exchange for the promise they’ll get bladdered and flash their goodies – all in the name of a little PR. It’s good for them as it’s not work even in the word’s loosest definition, yet they can still pay their bills. It’s good for the clubs as they are forever known as that place Paris/ Britney/ Lindsay flashed their mini. Who in their right mind wouldn’t want their multi-million dollar club known for that? No? Anyone? OK.

By comparison, pubs seem to be a little less fussy. Scratch that. They have no standards and are not at all fussy. They’ll take any old wino out of the gutter and pay them £50 to mince around and look like they’re enjoying themselves. It’s a laugh and the local winos are kept nice and sauced. Kerry’s husband and sometime grouchy baldy Mark Croft seems to have gotten wind of this Wine for Winos programme. Kerry isn’t actually a wino, but standards are so low that no one is actually checking any more.

This news came only a fortnight after Kerry was lifted out of bankruptcy hell. It’s a steal. All she’ll need to do is develop a liver-rotting drinking problem to earn enough pennies to pay for her hubby’s new £26,395 Ford Focus RS car, as well as their family bills.

From the News of the World:

For £50 cash, [Mark Croft] promises landlords he will turn up with Kerry in tow for a night in the pub. Lucky customers then get to enjoy a pint watching Kerry, 29, get rat-faced. A pal said: “She is happy to go along with it. She’s keen to do whatever it takes to earn some extra money. “The idea is to draw in customers and she enjoys it, as she gets to earn money while getting drunk.”  Kerry is desperate to make money after losing her £250,000-a-year contract for Iceland when we exposed her cocaine addiction in August.”

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse and, boy, does she rule

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Whenever we’re feeling down, there is only one place to turn.

Tabloid problem pages. After a quick read, that frown is turned into a burst of giggles. “I like to dress as Dennis the Menace during sex – is this normal?” writes a loser from Swansea. No you tit, it’s not.

Recently, the celebrity equivalent to this is Kerry Katona. She’s only gone and done some drugs, lost her Iceland deal and allegedly beat up her accountant. Then we have wonder woman Jordan who’s gone through an ever so public divorce and shacked up with a new fellow. He just happens to make bongo flicks with girls from Babestation. Therefore, Jordan is perfectly equipped to guide Kerry through these troubled times.

Every time there’s something to do with Peter Andre, a new type of alcohol or the grand opening of an ice-cream van, Jordan is certain to be there. When glitzy public occasions shine upon her, you know another thing will happen. Most females will don skyscraper-length heels to totter above rivals and wear dresses that even prostitutes would baulk at. With Jordan, it’s different.

Not that we’ve ever noticed due to our gentlemanly good ways, but friends of ours have commented that Jordan had incredibly huge knockers. So big in fact that you could lose the TV remote down there. Whenever she needs attention, her boobs seem to get bigger. Just like a gentlemen’s pork soldier when he sees an attractive damsel in the local market. Of course, when Jordan snakes back into hiding, her lady lumps appear to shrivel back to normal sized proportions.

Just like Kerry Katona, Jordan went on the celebrity jungle programme. Sadly, the show didn’t ask the contestants to make early nineties drum and bass or incorporate any raga samples. Instead, they had to eat insects, drink piss and generally be laughed at by Ant and Dec whilst they hopped around and ate stottie bread.

Kerry won the show and reignited her fame. However, Jordan got the booby prize and won prized tit and general annoyance Peter Andre. From there, they got married, had some children, who they gave stupid names, and then divorced. There you go, their lives summed up in a sentence. Amazingly though, Jordan will be able to get her ghost writer to stretch that into 364 hardback book retailing at £11.95 in time for Christmas.

So what does Jordan the relationship expert say to Kerry? Supposedly penning this in her OK! magazine diary she says:

“You have four beautiful kids and they need you now, Kerry. The only way you will get better is by admitting you have a problem and seeking help from professionals. I genuinely wish you all the best.”

In other words she means:

1) Stop being a druggie and pay more attention to your kids before you fall down the stairs and crush one to death or the social services take them away.
2) Go see the professionals and maybe MTV will make a documentary on you called, Kerry Katona; Inside The Nut House.
3) If you’re alive at Christmas, I’ll get my people to send you a card.

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Watch out kids, mum’s gone to Iceland. To see if you can snort ice, that is.

After all, Kerry Katona’s had all of the good stuff, and we’re reduced to sniffing up crushed ice, cat litter and chopped up Junior Disprol through our tenners instead.

We at hecklerspray want to do all we can to get as mullered as La Katona – after all, getting as high as a kite (made out of shell suit material obviously) is doing her the world of good. Just think, Kerry used to be married to the one out of Westlife who looked like the good-looking one out of Pigs in Space. She also used to star on pre-menopausal yakshow Loose Women, where you get paid to talk about picking your kids up from school. Now she’s hitched to Mark Croft, an ahem independent businessman who – no offence, dude – makes the Yardies look like fwuffy old cuddlebags. And that TV career? Gone bye bye!

Dear old Kerry. She loves stuff that’s bad for you. First the booze, and now this. Clearly, shoving cheap chemicals into your system can’t be healthy – that’s why I don’t shop in Iceland. Radioactive sausage roll, anyone? As for her love of the devil’s dandruff, some sources close to Kerry (ie the voices in her head) blame Mark for her downward spiral into substance abuse. Others say it was her reportedly unstable mum and time in care as a kid that started her on the snow. Who knows?

One thing’s for certain – her drug-taking’s better than her singing ever was. Atomic Who? In the News of the World video released recently, Kerry hoovers up a line with all the speed of, well, speed. The News of the Screws has tastefully added a dramatic piece of funeral-type music to accompany the scenes. They’ve missed a trick. With Katona’s admission that she’s on track for a third nostril thanks to her raging addiction, they could have used Atomic Kitten classic (Coke Can Make A) Hole Again.

According to her stepsister, Kerry is aiming for an early grave but thinks that dying young might help her to turn the public’s frown upside down a la Jade. Remember? We all hated Goody until she got cancer. That’s the difference though, Kerry – Jade contracted a terminal illness whilst you’re choosing the coke. Addiction is hard to beat but it is possible.

Why not give it a whirl? With all the money you’ll save from drugs, you might be able to upgrade your weekly shop to Lidl.

This was a guest post by the wonder that is Louise Scodie. Find out more about her here

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This week the scum-rags have told us about children’s star Sportacus visiting a young fan who has lost his limbs and doing press-ups and a one-handed handstand in front of him (the definition of rubbing it in surely?) and publishing the name and photos of Baby P’s mum, and then getting cross that she’ll need a new identity.

But we’re guessing you don’t want to unwind in your lunch-hour with quite such dark matter. Well then let’s talk about Kerry Katona, a woman addicted to, and almost biologically allergic to, being famous.

It would seem that the recent criticism of the News of the World about phone-tapping hasn’t upset News International too much. Someone has hidden a camera in Kerry’s house, and sold film of her snorting cocaine to the newspapers, including The Sun. Only in the wonderful world of tabloid journalism can you advocate the filming of someone in their own house and take the moral high ground. They get to condemn her, whilst simultaneously pretending to be concerned about her welfare.

They then have the usual quotes from sources ‘close to the couple’ who can’t believe that Kerry is more concerned with who has installed a camera in her bathroom. Which is an understandable position for the ‘source’ to adopt if you’re the one who installed the camera. Presumably they’re bitter that they couldn’t sell pictures to the Sport of Kerry having a poo under the headline Atomic Shittin’.

On Tuesday The Star got their scoop by interviewing Max Clifford, Kerry’s ex-PR rep and a man whose self-image is so wildly different from the reality, he can say things like “the relationship she has with [husband Mark Croft] is clearly not good for her” without exploding and covering everything in gore and irony.

Next on the hypocrisy train was Iceland with a priceless statement that they had “always stuck by her, as an example of a normal person and mum who has experienced some of the modern-day culture of fame, and how difficult it can be to deal with”. This translates as “we didn’t sack her before, because we made money from the fame in question”. They have also promised to give her “appropriate support, should she require [their] assistance”. What support can fucking Iceland give? Last time I checked there was limited use of frozen lasagne in the rehab process or have they simply misunderstood and were hoping to supply the cold turkey?

The story took on a positively slapstick element yesterday with The Sun reporting how “cops swooped on drug-shame Kerry Katona’s home only to find Mum had gone to Tenerife”. Perhaps the two plain-clothes policemen (can two people ‘swoop’, surely a decent swooping require at least six policemen in full-uniform?) should have read Monday’s Sun when they reported that Katona was going to Tenerife and saved themselves any embarrassingly pointless swoop action.

[story by Si Sharp]

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“It’s the bi-polar medication, honestly!” If you could actually pick out those words from the slurred speech of Kerry Katona, that’s what she’d be saying.

We may mock her but she has an award none of us have. The most sought after Mother Of The Year title has been given to Kerry not once but twice. But how do you win this award to glisten up your CV? It seems that you need to a) be female, b) sell frozen seafood like your life depends on it, c) get MTV to document your non-exciting life and d) take barrel loads of cocaine!

Footage has surfaced of Kerry allegedly partaking in option d). We sadly know part a) is true.

In case you think we’re just one of the ‘haters’ who are just picking on Kerry because we want to, please look at this video. Courtesy of the News of the World it kind of shows Kerry vacuuming a line of what appears to be coke up her nose.

OK, let’s now tell you why it looks like she was taking cocaine, as no doubt we’ll have deluded commenters who can’t spell Kerry Katona’s name fighting her corner:

1 – She wasn’t preparing food for her children. While some animals chew their young’s food up for them, we doubt Kerry will spray her young a meal directly through her nose and into their waiting mouths.

2 – Kerry has a history of taking cocaine. Amazingly, she has previously admitted that feasting on drugs was something she used to do. We like to try and fire rockets out of our arse. Is it big and clever? Not really, but it’s a more amusing habit than snorting cocaine.

3 – After filling her tits full of playdough and Lego in an attempt to become more attractive, she epically failed. She gorged on enough chips to fill Africa and back came the weight. Alongside her bellend of a husband running circles around her, we assume going back to drugs was some sort of escapism. If the coke had been the fizzy kind, all we’d have just ended up with was a toothless hag throwing cats at us.

Of course, an anonymous source has all of the filthy details:

“You can see how mad Kerry is on the video. She was ranting incoherently and had already done a line of coke. She was saying she couldn’t forgive Mark and how she’d got revenge by sending him a text the night before declaring ‘One all’ – claiming that she’d cheated on him too.”

Where is Max Clifford when you need him? The PR guru once represented Kerry and the rabble that followed her. But now the two have gone their separate ways and she could really need him now. Max Clifford has the physical ability to turn any situation in to a positive one. He’d come up with a winning response such as:

“She’s consuming a new Japanese sweet. Kerry is the new face of the Whizz and is simply trying out the new strawberry flavour.”

“Because Kerry got her boobs inflated, she is topping them up in an experimental way. She has a fear of needles and doesn’t want the surgeon to pump up her sagging left tit with a bike pump.”

“We are now suing MTV. They wanted to film her in the buff for a spin off show called Kerry Katona: Saving The Buff For Last. The camera was not meant to capture the cocaine snorting.”

Or for once in his sodding life, he could just be honest and say what we all assume – that she’s a loud porky cokehead.

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In ancient Greek mythology, there were hoards of beasts and monsters that would literally peck out your eyes and suck on them.

Sadly we don’t have creatures that are half rhino and human. The modern day equivalent is a thing called Kerry Katona.

Since Kerry shot to mild fame in wobbly pop band Atomic Kitten she’s done all she can to remain in the public eye. Whilst she’s all for doing this, the rest of the nation weeps a little whenever it opens a newspaper and sees her shove another handful of chips into her gob. In a move that was foreseen months ago, Kerry and her husband Mark Croft have split up. Again. Again.

Ever since winning the jungle show where some unfamous people try to become famous again, the nation fell in love with Kerry Katona. How we laughed at the poisonous tarantulas scurrying down her bra. And who can’t say they didn’t chuckle when she had to eat kangaroo balls?

But from 2004 till round about now, there hasn’t really been that much going on with Kerry. She got hitched to a taxi driver called Mark Croft who isn’t famous, has bugger all money behind him and has allegedly taken lots of money from her. Whilst everyone can see this happening, Kerry seems to be living in cuckoo land.

However, her brains have slowly thawed out and she has decided that being with Mark Croft isn’t doing her any good. We’d have personally gotten the hint at bankruptcy, but that’s just us. An apparent good friend of Kerry’s told The Daily Mirror:

“To all of us it seems Mark has been take, take, take ever since they met. But Kerry knows what she has to do now. She has cancelled any access he has to her bank accounts and stopped all payments for his pride and joy – the cars. He’ll be broke in a couple of months, or at least that’s what everyone hopes.”

Go Kerry! That’ll each your scrounging ex of a husband to try and grab a few pennies from you. Perhaps Kerry could go on to This Morning and tell the world about how happy she is now. Using the trademark Kerry Katona unbroadcastable language, she can say something like “Ughseaokfjjbnzkosdjfxiobfiofnhiovmklfg,” translating as “I don’t love him anymore.” Honestly, it’s like she can speak caveman or something.

We don’t know what’s on the cards for Kerry Katona and her ever-spiralling path into destruction, debt and heartbreak. Perhaps she could hook up with overly soft singer Peter Andre. He’s nearly single and knows what it’s like to be mucked around by a giant pair of tits. It’s a match made in heaven.

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Look, OK, we KNOW. We know our organisational skills are bad. We thought Big Brother started this week. It doesn’t.

Big Brother starts next week. And that’s left us with a gap to fill each morning. So, like anyone with any common sense would, we’ve decided to dedicate these next few 10am slots to discovering who’ll replace Fern Britton as the female host of This Morning. Try not to get too excited.

Anyway, we’re kicking things off with Kerry Katona, so that’s something at least…

Kerry Katona – There’s one very simple reason why Kerry Katona won’t take over Fern Britton’s job on This Morning. No, it’s not because her wayward behaviour would throw the show into catastrophe day after day. And it’s not because the sight of a human car-crash bawling “IYMA TWENNYATEYEEROLE WOMMA!” again and again during an item on cervical smears would put the old people off their elevenses. It’s not even because Kerry Katona hates Philip Schofield and refuses to talk to him. No, it’s because if Kerry Katona presented This Morning, then the studio would be full of the This Morning camera crew, the MTV camera crew filming Kerry Katona being filmed by the This Morning camera crew, and the paparazzi taking pictures of the MTV camera crew filming Kerry Katona being filmed by the This Morning camera crew. Logistically, it’d be a nightmare.

Tomorrow: Ulrika Jonsson. Steady yourselves.

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Kerry Katona isn’t the person you’d leave your children or antique collection of Victorian crockery with.

We know this because over the years, Kerry has made a slight twat of herself. Take a rough northern woman and add drugs, booze and relationship problems and you get Kerry Katona, aka something Jeremy Kyle would jizz over for his show.

Despite being unable to keep her finances together and do a straight interview on national TV, Kerry was picked to lecture the nation of our future. The snotty-faced posh folk at Oxford took some time out from rowing practice to listen to Kerry bleat on about her times as a druggie and as an alien. Bill Gates must have been running late.

Oxford University is a place where brainboxes from around the world go to. Whilst most universities offer general subjects such as teaching, psychology and courses in architecture, Oxford is different. You can pay silly amounts of money to study the dialect of a group of tribesman who lived in the country known as Belgium from around 2000BC. Basically, it’s a useless waste of time. Why can’t they be more like Hogwart’s and teach people how to fly?

For a high-profile university, you would have thought that their public speakers would be world famous. What about Tom from MySpace who started a social networking revolution? Or former members of parliament like Tony Blair? Lesser universities like Glasgow example have to be content with a local kebab shop worker who tells the story of how he created the deep fat fried Mars bar.

So having Kerry Katona as a speaker must have been a bit of a letdown for the university. Remember, she used to sing in Atomic Kitten and then won a show where she got plonked into a jungle. That happened roughly four years ago, yet we can’t escape the claws of Katona. She’s like an STD you can’t shake off.

It has been widely reported that Kerry likes the old drugs and booze. When not being caught on film for her MTV show, she appears on daytime TV shows, totally off her tits. When appearing on This Morning, her answers to questions were impossible to understand and sounded like this “Ogieojgkghnsrgopjrgsogfiomngfsjgodiodidigloop”.

Of course, it was blamed on medication. Definitely not through downing stupid amounts of alcohol and topping it off with a large mountain of drugs. So, why should the students at Oxford University care? Surely they should be out studying, playing polo or shooting foxes with the rest of their chums. Closer Online reports that:

“The troubled star told a group of around 100 students that she believed she was an alien during her five year struggle with bipolar disorder. She said: “I sat on the bed and said, ‘Mark, I’m an alien’ – and I really thought I was an alien.”

But which alien? There are some pretty famous ones out there and if Kerry’s new image is based on our neighbours from another galaxy, the following critters should worry due to Kerry nicking their likenesses:

ET – Known for phoning home and riding bikes into the night. Kerry may try and start ringing people and speaking to them in the weird language she used on This Morning. All in an attempt to take over your house and make you sing Atomic Kitten songs.

Marvin The Martian – Known for getting fairly cheesed off when he is outsmarted, he is like Kerry in so many ways. Kerry wacky exploits such as being pissed in public and making a general idiot of herself are always reported for us to chuckle over. All leading to Kerry getting angry and complaining it’s not true.

The alien thing in the X-Flies who nicked Mulder’s sister – Kerry will come and steal your children in the middle of the night so she can launch her own super-breed of creatures.

It really confuses as to why this lecture was organised in the first place. All we’ve seen is Kerry Katona making a bigger tit of herself. And giving us a poor excuse to watch ET since we’ve been reminded of the films existence.

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There are millions of disgusting things that make us want to vomit into our bowler hats.

For example, scraping dog poo off a shoe after accidentally stepping in a big steaming pile usually makes lunch’s burrito want to reappear.

Other unpleasant spectacles that we’d rather forget involve watching Kerry Katona giving birth on MTV, Kerry Katona getting her boobs inflated to a bigger size on MTV and hearing Kerry Katona in general on MTV. Now there’s a distinct chance there’s some non-arousing Kerry Katona porn doing the rounds. Probably not on MTV.

Sometimes we think Kerry Katona is a gift from the comedy gods who foretold the car crash lifestyle of a northern pop star. Seriously, each time we get word of a crazy Kerry Katona antic, we have to check and make sure it’s not April fool’s day all over again.

Think about it, would you constantly deny that you aren’t dependent on bottles of cheap cider to get you through the day, only to then tell the world that it’s actually true? Oh Kerry, you and your crazy antics, you really do make us chuckle and gush milk out of our noses.

Then there was the incident on This Morning. Turning up to interviews looking inebriated will not do your public profile much good. Though this didn’t seem to bother our Kerry much as the interview went something along these lines:

Fern Britton: “So Kerry, what is your millionth show on MTV about this time?”

Kerry Katona: “Baffffffffffertojjjjjjhhkklsszdnjrsykjsptgggggsgh jdrnhoinkesokpdjgdophjsgfgopfgop.”

For five or so painless minutes, this is what millions of tea-slurping, custard cream-munching members of the public had to endure. Well, we say endure, but actually we all laughed our tits off at someone who later had a go at the programme for letting her appear pissed. Sorry, we mean ‘wonky on medication’.

More recently, the entire world has had to panic over a possible Kerry Katona solo career relaunch. Despite only bleating a few songs with Atomic Kitten, she still holds on to that loose tag known as singer. However, this has been sidetracked slightly due to her marriage taking a massive blow. Due with her partner Mark Croft walking out on her and then making up a few days later this hasn’t helped on top of massive financial problems.

So what could make the situation better? A lottery win? A holiday away from it all? No! What about knowing that your own filthy sex acts have apparently been plastered across the internet for a lonely male to get overexcited over? Now Magazine reports:

“To Kerry’s horror, one such sex tape is now on the internet. Kerry, 28, is seen on film while a Northern-accented male voice is directing her to bare all. Kerry still has her public image to think of. If the sex tapes come out then she may lose her Iceland deal, which is the one thing that keeps her going.”

Unless this tape features her doing rude things with a frozen fish finger and a frozen turnip, we assume that Iceland won’t be overly happy with her crazy antics. Mums don’t go to Iceland to get their kicks! They go for guilt-free food shopping.

Still, if it does go tits up for Kerry, she can always make regular appearances in Readers Wives and other grot magazines.

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We caught up with Frankie Boyle – the Scottish one from Mock The Week who recently had a joke about the Queen’s genitals read out on Newsnight – for an impromptu question and answer session…

How did it feel winning the best director Oscar for Slumdog Millionaire?

I’ve met Danny Boyle actually. He has a glowing niceness that extremely successful people have. It’d be nice to get there…

At what temperature does Frankie boil?

I’m pale and Scottish so I’d say around 20 degrees.

Do you believe that chivalry is dead?

Not with me. Particularly with women. I am always rescuing women in distress and Serbian sex traders. The sex is good.

Do you think you should send Kerry Katona a royalty cheque for all the material you’ve got out of her?

I find her a bit sad actually, a bit tragic. On the other hand… she is a large, slow-moving gag target!

Does it ever disconcert you that Andy Parsons looks like a midget version of Ming The Merciless?

(Laughs) Andy looks more like Pingu’s friend, Seymour the Seal.

What’s it like going through life knowing that Garry Bushell adores you?

I take love where I can find it. I see him as an Obi-Wan figure.

Are you really retiring soon?

Yep, I’ll stop performing at the end of 2010.

A fan of yours described you as an “evil genius”. What kind of animal would you keep beside you and who do you elect as your sidekick?

I think the term ‘genius’ is overused. I’m not a genius and what I do is not that difficult. Anyway, I would elect a huge drunken monkey wearing a suit!

Did you find it difficult to give up alcohol?

Not difficult, just boring. My days were really empty and I had 10 hours of nothing to do.

How do you celebrate?

Viagra!

How did you get into comedy?

I was funny when I was at school and it was one of the few ways I could relate to women… I hate performing and felt totally nervous for the first eight years. I was lazy and I needed the fear to motivate me. Fear is something that you never get over live.

How did you find the confidence to perform stand-up?

I don’t think it is confidence. We live in a society where confidence is really highly rated but I think a good comedian is someone who can create intimacy with their audience.

You once said you would like to make a show in the UK like the Daily Show in the US. Any plans?

I would love to do that but I don’t think it would get commissioned. British people are not engaged enough with the idea that we should be engaged with politics. They’re more likely to say “Fuck this, why should we be interested?” I ended up on panel shows by accident really.

Is it true you’ve only received one piece of hate-mail?

I think it’s two letters actually…. but I think they were written by the same guy! I think the second letter was the first guy posing as a group of girls.

You’ve previously commented about not needing the validation of the audience. Do you care what people think?

Not really… Maybe ….I only care what women think.

Does censorship frustrate you?

Yes. I’ve done episodes of Mock the Week that were entirely censored. The BBC think the public can’t handle certain debates but blatant censorship is propaganda on some level. I think the British public are so much more broad minded than you would imagine by looking at the media.

What do you do with material that gets no laughs?

I hate to give up on a joke. (From show to show) it’s weird how universally people react.

What do you make of the Daily Mail getting work up over your joke about the Queen’s pussy being haunted?

I said that in 2007 and if her pussy wasn’t haunted then… it sure is now.

What will it be like to be a boundary-pushing comedian working for the BBC now that everyone’s waiting for another moral outrage?

I welcome it.

You get to travel the world, stopping occasionally to jump around on stage, then, in the evening, you can wile away the hours brainlessly passing groupies around, necking gin. You don’t have to think for yourself, which makes certain popstar decisions near impossible to understand.

Below are four maniacs who decided to brave the world on their own, only to realise that they’d probably just made a massive mistake…

1. Robbie Williams
Granted, Williams could – should he wish to – sprint around town hurling money into the air like it was confetti at a local wedding. But where is his joy? His genuine popstar joy? That’s right, he hasn’t got any. While his old Take That buddies swan around enjoying a second phase of fame, with nice haircuts, children and long term lovers, ‘Rob’ spends much of his time presumably staring silently into a mirror waiting for his beard to grow. Shivering. Needs friends.

2. Mutya Buena
It was 2005 when Mutya decided that she was far too cool for the Sugababes. What a mistake that was. Since then, she has covered herself in strange tattoos, most of which look like entire extracts from Harry Potter books, replaced her front tooth with an unopened Oxo cube, and baffled the nation by WALKING OUT of the Big Brother house, without anyone realising that she’d ever walked in. As for her reinventing herself as a street version of Amy Winehouse… yeah, didn’t really happen, that.

3. Dane Bowers
Face it, Another Level were actually good – even Jay-Z thought so. They were also one of the few UK boybands who didn’t appear to be fashioned from the mind of an overweight and embittered gay man, desperately hunting for kicks. They enjoyed a big hit with Freak Me – American for Have Sex With Me – before Dane Bowers, the podgy lead singer, thought it best if he trod his own weighty path to stardom in 2000. Uh-oh. After a string of singing disasters, he ended up humiliating himself on Totally Boy Band – a very bad MTV show, where five has-beens once again smelt the stench of career failure in their ravaged noses. And, unfortunately, Dane is now widely considered to be a poor girl’s Dean Gaffney.

4. Kerry Katona and Bryan McFadden
These two share a joint place, thanks to their brief stint as a twisted version of Posh and Becks that didn’t last long. In the case of Katona, since going it alone away from her charming sing-a-long sisters in Atomic Kitten, she has been on a steady decline into total mania, topped off with a genuinely tragic appearance opposite Schofield and his goons during the latter stages of last year. The girl. Was. Wasted. McFadden, meanwhile, bade a cocksure farewell to his Westlife cohorts in 2004 – fully expecting to emulate Robbie Williams’ chart success – only to smash the hit parade with all the impact of a flea hurtling into a flannel. He has since decided that he might marry that skinny girl who used to be in Neighbours.

This has been a guest blog by the marvellous Josh Burt from the exceptional Interestment. Go and be his friend.

We’ve saved this post until late in the day because we’re genuinely worried that, if you read it in the morning, it’d be too much to bear and you’d end up fatally attacking yourself in the face with the nearest piece of office equipment. So, now that we can only ruin a small part of the rest of your day, here goes.

Kerry Katona wants to relaunch her singing career. We know, it makes us want to cry too.

You know, we’re not sure that we trust Kerry Katona any more. Just take her infamous slurred This Morning interview last year. In the interview, Kerry Katona denied that she was an alcoholic – and then, a few weeks later, she reversed her decision and admitted her alcoholism to a newspaper.

Also in that interview, Kerry Katona answered a question about her possible return to music by saying “No. No. I wouldn’t do that to you poor people.” That’s a statement that’s entirely at odds with a report in yesterday’s News Of The World which claimed that Kerry is in fact brewing up a plot to resume her singing career. Look:

Kerry Katona is re-launching her pop career… And get a load of this — the airhead wants to WRITE her own songs too. Yes, this is the same Kerry who can’t sing, the same Kerry who murdered karaoke on that dippy MTV show of hers… An MTV insider confirmed: “It’s all Kerry’s idea and we’re going to be along for the ride.”

Oh excellent, Kerry Katona is going to dip her toes back into the music industry. You’ll remember that, before she made the transition to being the worst woman on the face of the planet on a full-time, professional basis, Kerry Katona used to be a member of Atomic Kitten. Or maybe you don’t remember that, since nobody had actually heard of Atomic Kitten until the other two decided to boot Kerry out.

But anyway, read that paragraph again. That’s right – MTV is involved in Kerry Katona’s plan to relaunch her singing career. Jesus, haven’t we had enough Kerry Katona MTV documentaries already? We’ve already seen Kerry Katona smoke during her pregnancy, Kerry Katona have her knockers chopped up by a surgeon and Kerry Katona literally push a human being out of her vagina for the sake on entertainment – surely letting her sing in public is a step too far. Because, short of making a documentary about Kerry Katona deliberately driving a car into a tree at full speed while screaming “Are you happy now, world?” there aren’t many place you take this format, really.

But back to our original point – we can’t trust a thing that Kerry Katona says. She’s not an alcoholic and then she is one. She’s not returning to music and then she is. What else did Kerry Katona lie about in that This Morning interview? She also said “AMMA TWENNYATEYERAWLD WOMMA!” in the interview at one point, but can we even believe that any more? Are you, Kerry? Are you really a twennyateyerawld womma? We find it hard to believe, frankly.

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For whatever reason, a gang of mice would be rounded up in a lab 20 miles under the surface of the earth and then injected with all sorts of things. Sometimes they grew tusks like elephants or, in stranger cases, developed an unhealthy appetite for Mars bars and bottles of Blue Nun.

Slowly though, we’re coming to the conclusion that humans are also being used for experimentation. Don’t believe us? Then look at everybody’s low-budget supermarket endorser Kerry Katona for proof. If she is an example of a normal woman then we really should be stocking up on frozen prawn rings and hiding in a nuclear bunker. But fear not. It turns out that some of Kerry’s mental behaviour can all be explained by all the alcohol she shoves down her gob.

To some people, it may come as a surprise that Kerry Katona has been overdoing it on bottles of cheap cider and supermarket own-brand lager. But after keeping it to herself, her husband, children, PR and the camera crew that follows her around 24/7 she can finally tell us – the general monkeys of the public.

Whilst on another pointless interview to blab on about how she won I’m A Celebrity …Get Me Out Of Here 2004, Kerry decided to come clean about her addiction:

“Four years ago I was diagnosed as an alcoholic after a stay in The Priory clinic. This is not common knowledge as I’ve never admitted it before.”

As she said, this wasn’t common knowledge. However, for anyone who watched her terrible fly on the wall documentary about her unrock ‘n roll lifestyle, they would have seen her downing wine and acting a little bit pissed. But of course, it didn’t mean that she was an alcoholic and this accusation was denied again and again and again and again. It’s almost like she makes a career of denying being drunk or on drugs.

However, anyone who’s unemployed/a student/drug addict will have recently watched This Morning where Kerry’s interview didn’t go according to plan. Instead of being lightly grilled about her new programme about MTV filming her getting litres of fat drained from her body and her tits reshaped, instead they got car crash gold.

A pissed-looking Kerry Katona was seen slurring her words badly and generally looked a bit confused to they greying old man and fat-cheating lady who were asking her questions. If you haven’t seen the clip on YouTube yet, she pretty much talked like this: “Amimdzzzzzz Norrrrralllll Drunskaaaaaaaaaelmelm”.

Now don’t go jumping to conclusions. Kerry wasn’t off her rocker on This Morning from overdoing it on alcohol. Oh no, she was in fact suffering side-effects from the medication prescribed to treat her bi-polar disorder.

Kerry Katona’s former publicist/person who made her easy money Max Clifford said:

“I have known that Kerry had this problem for a long time and the fact that she has now come out and admitted it is a step in the right direction.”

But where will Kerry go next? Will she get the help she needs or will she sit outside a local greasy spoon with the rest of the tramp population? There they could rummage in the bins for that elusive 20p in order to get that precious hit of Super Brew or the dregs from a bottle of WKD.

With the shock revelation of Kerry Katona being an alcoholic, we are now bracing ourselves for the news that Pete Doherty has taken heroin and Gok Wan may be a homosexual.

But there’s a chance we were wrong. Because on the exact same day that World’s Worst Mum 2007 Kerry Katona decided to go on a daytime TV show and babble a string of passive-aggressive drunk-seeming non-words at a startled fat lady and a pixie, a magazine published an interview where Kerry Katona criticises the parenting skills of Angelina Jolie.

What made Kerry Katona angry was the fact that Angelina Jolie recently bought her six-year-old son a knife. Obviously that’s something that Kerry Katona would never do. True, that’s because Kerry Katona is so busy being followed around by MTV camera crews, looking hammered and wailing “AHWOZZZUNOLIDEEEH!” at nobody in particular that she probably doesn’t know where her kids are, let alone a knife shop. But that counts.

Both Angelina Jolie and Kerry Katona have come under fire for how they raise their children lately. Angelina Jolie got it in the neck because she recently bought her six-year-old son a knife, on the basis that she had a knife as a child and she didn’t grow up to be anything worse than a self-harming heroin user.

And then there’s Kerry Katona. People are wondering what sort of mother Kerry Katona is for all kinds of reasons, like her refusal to stop smoking or drinking during pregnancy, her recent bankruptcy, her bi-polar disorder, her history of drug use and, most importantly, this mental interview on This Morning yesterday.

The interview has already caused all kinds of responses. Kerry Katona’s husband says that she only looked so confused because she was late taking her anti-psychotic medication, Kerry Katona’s publicist says that he’s increasingly concerned about the state of her health and everyone else has started using the phrase “I’m a 28-year-old woman and I was on holiday in Spain” as an excuse for every single bad thing they’ve ever done.

So, with public scrutiny on Kerry Katona’s skills as a parent more intense than ever before, perhaps it wasn’t the cleverest thing to publish an article where Kerry Katona slags Angelina Jolie off for being a bad mother on the exact same day of her public meltdown. According to Now:

Kerry Katona has hit out at Angelina Jolie over recent reports she took her 7-year-old son Maddox to a knife shop. ‘My daughter Molly is the same age and I would never even think about doing the same,’ Kerry tells OK!. ‘I hate knives. Just because [Angelina's] mum took her to buy daggers when she was 11, it doesn’t mean she has to encourage her own kids.’

OK, to be fair, that’s not exactly what Kerry Katona said. We get the feeling the full quote was more like:

“Mydootor Mol… Mol… Murrrgh… Molly iszasamayjan AHWOZZZUNOLIDEEEH! AHWOZZZUNOLIDEEEHINSPAIN! Imma twennyate yerold womma!”

But it was probably cleaned up a bit for publication.

Anyway, Kerry’s statement was published in OK! magazine, the publication that employs Kerry as a columnist, so actually the tirade against Angelina Jolie could be put down to Kerry Katona doing her job of reflecting on the week’s celebrity news.

Let’s hope that, because of this, Kerry Katona decides to only comment on things that won’t instantly make her look like a messed-up lunatic devoid of any self-awareness from now on. And if that means we don’t get to hear her fascinating insights on ‘Wow, that Muhammad Ali slurs his speech a lot!’ and ‘Is it just me, or does Rhys Ifans look like he stinks of booze?’ then so be it.