Celebrity dregs Kerry Katona has posed in her grundies to show-off the fact that she now weighs marginally less than a manatee.

The mother-of-four blames her previous weight gain on the see-food diet; she saw it, she swallowed it, claiming to have gorged on ‘bread and cheese’.

‘Bread and cheese’, in this instance we hope, actually means she scarfed down insane amounts of pizza and Ginster’s pasties.

The former face of Iceland claims that she lost the weight through detox and exercise, but would have had it siphoned off could she afford the surgery:

“In the past few weeks, my arms have become super toned. I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger… but I still hate my stomach. If I could afford it, I’d have a tummy tuck.”

Which suggests that she has lost not only weight, but her memory.

Think back to 2008 and recall the time Kerry was boasting about a £15,000 full-body overhaul in get-your-baps-out-for-the-boys lad’s mag Zoo, which was filmed by MTV.

Kerry’s been under the knife more times than a carvery joint. Any more plastic inserts and she’ll be declared a bio-hazard and buried in a concrete box in a third-world country.

If she’s going to tell fibs, Kezza would be better off trying to convince us that her new body is down to a strange new parasite or wasting disease than her hard work and new-found love of exercise.

RIGHT?

You know what’s great about parents? The fact that, as soon as they produce a child, they somehow become immediately wise. They have a deeper insight into the world around them. They appreciate the nuances of life and…

…who we tryintah kid here? Most parents are gulping twerps.

One such ball-brain is Kerry Katona who has decided to have a go at her ex-husband Brian McFadden (formerly of Westlife, creator of this date-rape abomination which we’ll never stop sharing). Granted, it’s not odd that exes would spar, but for the sake of her children and to show what a good role-model she is, Katona has decided to attack McFadz in the press so everyone can see how ugly their relationship is.

Of course, we only have to look at their faces to know how ugly their relationship was, but beauty is only skin-deep. Ugliness has a root like a mouldy verruca.

So what’s she blarting on about now? Well, instead of ringing McFadden up to see what the craic is, she’s decided to spill her pungent guts to a glossy magazine about it all.

Apparently, he couldn’t be less interested in the two children they had together. While Katona was talking about her plans for Christmas (no free Iceland prawn rings this year for you!), she spat:

“One person I’m not expecting to hear from this Christmas is Brian McFadden,”

“He hardly pays for his kids, he rarely rings his kids and I hope he feels guilty because my four babies are so beautiful, intelligent, funny and amazing and he doesn’t seem to be interested in either Molly or Lilly.”

We eagerly await McFadden’s equally grown-up response to Kerry, probably delivered via his twitter account. It’s the most wonderful tiiiiiime of the year...

Chav icon and astonishing dimwit Kerry Katona, has been bothering the police after receiving phone calls from a suspected stalker who has obviously reached a low point in their life, given that they could have shown interest in ANYONE ELSE ON THE ENTIRE PLANET!

It seems an American woman, believed to be called Stella, has been ringing Katona ‘non-stop for weeks’ and recently contacted the reality star’s manager Max Clifford, claiming to have watched her getting changed at her Surrey mansion.

Yes. Really.

Speaking to the Sunday Mirror, Katona strung some words together:

“I was getting dressed and there was a phone call to Max’s company from this lady saying she’d been watching me getting changed.”

“The thing was I had been naked and putting my clothes on minutes before.”

Brrr.

“So I panicked and called the police. But this woman has been annoying us all for weeks now. At the end of the day I’ve got four kids, live in a big house and have to take this sort of thing seriously.”

But Kerry, YOU HAVE BEEN ANNOYING US ALL FOR YEARS AND WE HAVEN’T TAKEN YOU SERIOUSLY ENOUGH TO CALL THE POLICE!

Yet. There’s still time readers.

Clifford described the situation as ‘very sad for the lady’ and ‘very scary for Kerry,’ before laughing and riding off into the distance on his diamond horse.

Katona was previously stalked in 2009, when a fan began turning up at her Cheshire mansion after they became Facebook friends. The fan received a warning to stay away from Katona, proving that your friends on Facebook actually hate you and you mean nothing to them.

Kerry said this was the first time she had felt scared about a stalker but is refusing to let it get her down saying:

‘I’m finally getting my life back on track and nothing is going to stand in my way.’

Bother.

Boyband no-hopers Westlife announced their intention to split up yesterday, astonishing a nation that had long since forgotten that the third-rate Boyzone-wannabees even existed.

Ignoring the current music fad of reforming (we’re looking at you, Steps. And, to a MUCH lesser extent, you, Stone Roses) the PoundLand Take That have decided they’ll buck the trend and actually call it a day. Tiring, no doubt, as they are of being mistaken for well-groomed squinty brick-layers with as much collective recognisability as the bloke who ‘does the tampons’ down our local.

And, we imagine, are finally admitting the fact that without gurning, pan-faced buffoon Brian McFadden they are as nothing. Not that they’re bitter about that. Oh no.

A ‘source close to the band’ has provided a rich source of hilarity by stating that “they’re all loaded and don’t need the money” leading sane people to opine “we’ve all got ears and don’t need to hear it”, whilst also stating that Shane (no, we don’t know which one Shane is) “is understood to have written some songs” and Mark (not sure either) “wants to”.

Whilst the world reportedly quakes in anticipation at news of Shane ‘writing stuff’ and Mark ‘really planning on doing the same if he gets around to it’, Westlife are also threatening a ‘Best Of’ record (we weren’t aware anyone was producing EPs anymore) and a tour of the provinces next year. Without Brian, the only memorable member of the band.

Says Kian Egan (no, we don’t know which one that is either):

“All the rumours about Brian rejoining Westlife are untrue. We have been a four piece for too long now. We love Brian but it’s not going to be. That includes any TV performances.”

Ouch. No-one even mentioned the telly. We’re feeling the love for Brian.

Reports that, after next year, Westlife will take a look at your guttering and provide a free, no-obligation quote are currently unconfirmed.

Click over for our stupid Celebrity Big Brother Liveblog! Keep hitting refresh because we’re idiots who can’t work things out! HURRAY! Things kick-off around 9pm when the hard liquor kicks in!

Right. That’s it. Big thanks to Kris for manning the twitter account. Follow hecklerspray and Kris’ personal account, as well as Editor Mof for more BB bile. We’re done here. Thanks to the 4 people who read along. We love to haaaate yoooou…

10.25pm Diva = Repeatedly saying the phrase ‘Welcome Pack’. For fuck’s sake.

10.23pm Fuck a duck indeed. Housemate given secret task on first night. How tedious.

10.22pm “It smells like brand new carpets.” Katona there, talk about her vagina.

10.21pm HERE COMES THE TWIST! WACO! WACO! WACO!

10.20pm When do those fuckers from HolyMoly (they’re owned by the same company as BB these days while we’re owned by chippy in Hull) come on telly? We want to seethe with jealousy at them, manifesting as undiluted hate.

10.18pm Our Kris is still gallantly manning the twitter feed despite being so drunk that he’s made George Best’s ghost cry.

10.16pm A Big Brother twist? They’re going to recreate Waco and get the FBI to set it on fire with everyone in while Charlton Heston shouts at them pretending to be God Almighty?

10.15pm Tiger coat. Panda shoes. Is it an endangered ensemble?

10.14pm We were going to make a joke about Jedward losing their virginity, but they’ve invariably already lost it. To each other.

10.12pm Just wait ’til Big Brother splits these little odious turds up. You know damn well it’s going to happen. There’ll be tears.

10.11pm There you go! NEW HOUSEMATE! SIAMESE TWINS, JEDWARD!

10.10pm Bobby Sabel. So famous that a) He doesn’t have a Wikipedia page. b) Tara didn’t tell him the door story.

10.08pm GO ON BRIAN! GET HIM WANKED!

10.07pm Bobby Sabel? NEW HOUSEMATE WHO WE’VE NEVER HEARD OF! Oh put your knickers back on you disgusting perverts.

10.06pm Has Paddy been arrested for punching all of Tara Reid’s teeth out?

10.04pm “A panicked runner just discovered all of Tara Reid’s consonants in her dressing room” says Laurence on Twitter

10.01pm Two more? That’d be Jedward then? Oh god, we hope so. Imagine. Imagine Tara Reid‘s stroke face trying to compute those little bastards. She’ll think it’s like a Dr Seuss book has come to life! She’ll sleep with her eyes open as a result. Jedward will break her. Then spitroast her.

10pm How many more of these divs have we got to go in?

9.58pm How much polyfiller has been used on Mrs Hoff’s face since she did that interview?

9.57 NEW HOUSEMATE! PAMELA! IT’S PAMMY! No. Not Pamela Anderson! IT’S THE HOFF’S WIFE! NO! WE’VE NEVER SEEN HER EVER EITHER! AND WE’RE PAID TO PAY ATTENTION TO THESE NO MARKS!

9.56 To be nice for once, Brian Dowling looks like he’s been doing this for years doesn’t he? The Mint trained him well.

9.54 On Twitter, Kris points out this out at  Lucian Thundercunt “David Beckham gave me the inspiration to be an actor.” You DO know he’s a footballer, right?”

9.52 Lucian Laviscount. That’s who it is. We all know now don’t we? Nope. Either way, he will absolutely end up rubbing his long, thin penis up the back of Amy Childs while she sleeps.

9.50pm A NEW HOUSEMATE! IT’S LUCIAN LOVINGCUNT OR SOMETHING!

9.49pm THOSE MASSIVE LEGS AGAIN!

9.46pm Sorry. What in fuck’s name is the new Haribo commercial about? Someone should be taken to a public square and flogged to death for that. No, sod that. Everyone involved – including the children – should be whipped with bike chains.

9.44pm It’s going to be great when half of this lot fall off the wagon. Sadly, no-one will be watching by this point. Oh well.

9.42pm “I’m going to stir it up a bit” or, as it’s know, get picked on by younger, more spiteful minor celebrities.

9.40pm NEW HOUSEMATE – SALLY BERCOW (us neither)

9.38pm The look of terror on Amy Childs’ face on seeing Lyons is brilliant. She knows he’s got her over a barrel. Who’s she been humping? (Who hasn’t she been shagging etc)

9.36pm Hopefully, Mr Paparazzi will have some amazing shit on everyone. Hopefully, Five will have the nuts to actually air it. And listen to the boos from the very people who line his bastard pockets. Stupid piss cloths.

9.35pm NEW HOUSEMATE ALERT! DARREN LYONS! HE’S A MASSIVE TWAT!

9.33pm “it appears that she’s [Tara Reid] speechless with rage. Or is that the tranquilizers?” says ‘sprays number one fan Alexandra

9.31pm What are the odds of a sexual assault having already taken place in the BB House? Too far?

9.30pm “Trust Amy Childs to be the only person in the UK who knows who Paddy is without being told” says our Kris on twitter. He’s actually doing really well for someone who is watching a football match at the same time.

9.26pm Look at this fucking gargoyle. YOU. You created her. Not us. YOU. You bastards.

9.25pm ANOTHER STINKING HOUSEMATE – AMY FROM THE ONLY WAY IS ESSEX

9.25pm “A note to the police. Paddy Doherty is now of a fixed abode. You know what to do.” says our twitter account

9.21pm OOOOH! Paddy Doherty! We see now. He won’t last long, unless he knocks someone out. Which he will. Then he’ll cry like a big bitch. Do travellers even have landlines so they can vote for him?

9.20pm NEW HOUSEMATE – Mthmnem Nmmnamnth

9.15pm Okay. So we know that the immense git that is Mr Paparazzi will be going in with his stupid pink hair and face like a withered ankle. But Baywatch star? It won’t be Pamela Anderson. Erika Elenak (or whatever she’s called) surely? Jedward are, of course, in the house. We told you that yesterday.

9.14pm Nice to see Tara and Kerry getting on with each other. NOT (possibly not the last Wayne’s World joke we’ll make here)

9.13pm Jesus. Tara Reid is about as warm as Robert Pattinson‘s cock in an ice-pop.

9.11pm Didn’t Tara Reid just get married? What a shitty honeymoon if so. A fellow viewer is already hoping to see “her weird boobs”.

9.10pm SECOND HOUSEMATE – TARA REID

9.08pm Over at our twitter account, it says: “As if she wasn’t annoying enough, she’s got Swagger Jagger as her entrance music. If she was a wrestler she’d be gone after a week.”

9.07pm Kerry Katona there, saying she’s shat herself. Great. This is going to be hugely jarring. And listen! It’s Swagger Jagger as well, just to rub shit-caked glass into our already open wound.

9.06pm FIRST HOUSEMATE – KERRY KATONA

9.05pm The Big Brother crowd there, cheering at furniture. The stupid dicks.

9.03pm Nice that Marcus Bentley got his job back. It really couldn’t be done by anyone else could it? Dowling is rather likeable too. That said, give us a couple of minutes and we’ll be spitting bile at him.

9pm Here we go! The prick factory turns its cogs again!

8.59pm WHAT WERE THOSE LEGS ABOUT?!

8.58pm *sings* She’s got Betty Davis’ chin…

8.57pm DON’T GET EXCITED! THAT’S A FUCKING ORDER! We’ve got a stupid news bulletin first.

8.52 Did anyone else see Dom Littlethingy on Through The Keyhole, mournfully talking about how desperately single he is and how he might move to New York? Yeah. Like the dating scene in NYC isn’t ferocious and keenly fought.

8.48pm New Cowboy Builders may have dramatic music, but we’re really, really not feeling it here. Dom Littlewhatsit is about as frightening as a kitten being kissed by a butterfly.

8.46 Okay. Now we’ve turned over. New Cowboy Builders eh? Five are really spoiling us tonight aren’t they? Still, nice of Brian Dowling to show up in the adbreak and get cut off before he’s finished speaking. It’s just like Channel 4, eh?

8.44pm We’re not actually watching Five yet. We’re on a channel called Really (yes, really) and there’s people making haircuts that look like bikes, carousels and dollhouses. Honestly. It’s like taking the worst drugs ever.

8.42pm Are you following us on twitter? Our giant Indian man, Kris, is manning the account and he’s a vile, vile human guaranteed to get us in trouble with the law at some point this evening. Click here to follow us.

8pm Well, you’re eager aren’t you? What on Earth could you want from us now?

We don’t know about you but it’s been quite a week here at hecklerspray since we last gave you something to live for.

Our editor Mof, finally found out that fellow writer and massive Steps fan Michael Park is really his son after a one night stand with someone he thought was Kerry Katona but wasn’t.  Not even close. Kris Silver was named and shamed in his local paper when he called a 70 year old librarian “a complete bastard” when she asked him to pay 70p in fines for a Jackie Collins novel he hadn’t even had time to read and finally Sophie Hall was arrested for going unreservedly ape-shit after she’d spent 2 hours alone on a train to Flamigoland only to find out she was too small to get on any of the rides. Even the toddler ones.

Our lives are much more exciting than these soaps. But you don’t care do you? You just want to know about FAKE people. Fine then.

First up we have Eastenders where Roxy finally decides that Phil is a great big ball-bag and decides to sell her half of the club to Janine to spite him.  However the real genius behind this storyline is that Janine is now a rich Pirate who owns a parrot called Frank and brings it to the club.  IT’S TRUE!! Well, apart from the Pirate part. Phil obviously doesn’t like parrots and decides to let it escape.  We hope it’s found and gets it’s own spin-off series.

Roxy probably doesn’t know about any of this as she’s too busy drunkenly snogging Tyler Moon in the Vic while the rest of us play guess the age difference.

It seems the Moon family are determined to shag the entire cast, with new ladies man Tyler asking out Poppy and finally giving her character a reason to be there and Daddy Moon (David Essex) decides to give Carol a ride on his ‘Silver Dream Machine’ after a big party to celebrate the launch of their really, really dull business.

Elsewhere, Christian and Syed tell that miserable family of stereotypes that they’re engaged and Masood goes in another strop about having a gay child or even worse ONE WHO IS MARRIED TO A GIRL WHO CARES ABOUT FOLDING NAPKINS!!!

The end is nigh for the dullest couple in soap history, Julie and Billy when Julie finally decides that Lola has rubbish hair and cannot stand living with her anymore. Well, that and the fact she’s a thieving delinquent.  Julie then leaves Walford, meaning there’s now a space for another bloody member of the Moon family to join Eastenders. Just you watch.

Oh and somebody flirts with Ian Beale after he pretends his wife Jane is dead.  Really?

On to Coronation Street where everyone is still at it; including Becky who sleeps with Nick at Gail’s house after Steve sleeps with Tracy and it’s all just a bit grubby isn’t it?  Becky then comes downstairs for breakfast and the sight of her first thing makes everyone want to throw toast and jam at her pointy face.  Steve then tries to make Becky jealous and invites someone called Beth to the Bistro where he gets flung out for still being in the same soap for 87 years.

Kylie decides that she actually does want Max after a heart to heart with Gail and goes to court with David for a hearing to decide Max’s future. They then take great delight in telling Becky they’re in with a shot of getting custody of Max.

Who the hell is Max?

Tommy decides to go out clubbing with Amber but also quite likes Tina and just as they’re about to face kiss each other Amber bursts in, probably kicking down the door Van Damme style , leaving Tommy to explain himself and his dirty ways.

We wish that would happen.

Finally, down at Emmerdale Layla is leaving!!  The mentalist snatches Jacob and takes him into Leeds. LEEDS!!! THAT’S MINUTES AWAY!!! CALL THE POLICE!!  When everyone catches up with Layla, they’re really cross and she even gets slapped by her sister Alicia before she heads off into the sunset.  Is she sorry? Does she go alone? We dunno.

Sneaky Amy lies about her involvement in the robbery but Victoria suspects it’s all lies and that. Which it is. She then turns to Zak for advice about whether or not to confess.

But the award for worst babysitter of the week and possibly best storyline of the year goes to Emmerdale when Sandy falls asleep while babysitting for Samson and everyone arrives home to chaos and Sandy spark out with a painted on green moustache and beard. HURRAH!!!

We write this because we love you.

Well, not you. We hate you.

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Kerry Katona’s mum has told our all-time favourite Sunday tabloid ‘The Star on Sunday’ that she is going to help get her daughter’s life back on track after Kerry was dropped from her management last month.

And how is good ol’ Sue Katona going to achieve this? By encouraging Kerry to text ‘saucy messages’ to her ex. Not the Mark Croft one, the one that we cared about even less. Go mum!

“Sue has very much taken the reigns now and is determined to stop her spiralling out of control like she has so often in the past” ‘A source’ told The Star on Sunday. Because in a week of such a degree of illegitimate journalism, we just want to be honest with you.

Meanwhile, in her latest chapter of ‘The New Me’ Volume 16, The Daily Mail reported today that Kerry Katona has taken up Zumba lessons. You hear that, cruel world? Kerry has defeated you.

But just like all those shocking times before, these glorifying comebacks have somewhere down the line faltered, despite all the odds, and haircuts, and AA meetings.

So come gather round on the carpet, and let’s all have a look back at Kerry’s previous career decisions and try and decipher how it all went wrong. As a nation. Let’s do it for Kerry, guys.

2002: Kerry Katona has sex and babies with Brian McFadden

WHY IT COULD HAVE SUCCEEDED

It was only a matter of time before the managers of Atomic Kitten came to the realization that they had legitimately given Kerry Katona a job as a ‘singer’. There was only one thing to do! Fuse her popstar credentials by marrying another. Step forward Brian McFadden! (Pre-rape music years) Being all blonde, and apparently attractive, the pair were the perfect match, and married in 2002. And the best bit of it all? Kerry gets knocked up, and therefore has to leave Atomic Kitten to ‘be with her children’, before they could sack her for being categorically awful, which ultimately is a much better headline. As such, Kerry Katona’s appearance in Atomic Kitten’s Whole Again video was hastily altered to be digitally replaced by newcomer Jenny Frost. So nothing but class all round. Since the marriage, Kerry joined and subsequently won I’m a Celebrity, Get me Out of Here. During the final of her victory, her doting husband appeared to surprise her. ‘Why are you here?’ Kerry asked. ‘Because I love you.’ Brian guessed.

BUT WHY IT DID ULTIMATELY FAIL

The problem with getting married is that somewhere down the line you have to probably love each other for the marriage to work. In 2004, the couple figured it was probably a good point well made, and tragically split. As if it wasn’t bad enough that Brian then subsequently married the Most Boring Australian Import Delta Goodrem, Kerry resorted to her second bout of reality tv, My Fair Kerry, which was just as awful as it possibly sounded.

2007: Kerry signs every single contract that MTV care to waggle in front of her.

WHY IT COULD HAVE SUCCEEDED

For unfathomable reasons, ITV are always very welcoming to let Kerry Katona be on television whenever she wants – but in 2007, Kerry was offered a lucrative contract deal at MTV with three reality shows, Kerry Katona: Crazy in Love, Kerry Katona: Whole Again, and most controversially of all – Kerry Katona: WHAT’S THE PROBLEM? So for the sake of her career, and her children – Kerry did what she had to do. Gallantly allow herself to be filmed 24 hours a day, eating Mcflurries. Oh sorry, that’s offensive. Eating Iceland’s brand vanilla ice cream, of course. Sorry Kez.

BUT WHY IT DID ULTIMATELY FAIL

Because she was married to Mark Croft at the time.

2008: Kerry writes her first novel!

WHY IT COULD HAVE SUCCEEDED

If JK Rowling can do it, so can Kerry! RIGHT? Because like JK Rowling, Kerry has been at the bottom. Because like JK Rowling, Kerry is a strong, confident woman, who just wants her children to have the best life they can. Because like JK Rowling, Kerry has a vibrant mind, with incredibly unique literary ideas. And her name is Fanny Blake. What – you didn’t expect Kerry to actually write the books, did you?

BUT WHY IT DID ULTIMATELY FAIL

In a nationwide poll last year, the book that people most lied about having read was George Orwell’s classic 1984. This was a book that nobody wanted to lie about having read, let alone read. In fact, people lied that they couldn’t read at all just to get out of it.

2011: Kerry loses loads of weight and cuts her hair and dumps Max Clifford, and dumps her boyfriend, and wears a nice dress, and takes up Zumba!!!!!

WHY IT COULD HAVE SUCCEEDED

Because those Now Magazine Before/After features won’t write themselves.

BUT WHY IT DID ULTIMATELY FAIL

Because at the end of it all, she was still Kerry Katona.

This was a post written by Sophie Hall who is already testing the patience of everyone within a 8,000 mile radius, which means we’ll probably hire her after she completes our depraved initiation ritual.

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Atomic Kitten.  Remember them? They were good weren’t they? Oh, that’s right they were amazingly gash but they did release ‘Whole Again’, a song loved by chav women the world over and so heartbreakingly rubbish we once set fire to our own ears in disgust and swore we’d never listen to pop music EVER again.

Kerry Katona used to be in this terrible band until she ran off with potato faced Brian McFadden, shagged him so ferociously babies came out of her vagina and ended up pretending to shop in Iceland while not-so-secretly hoovering up big giant lines of white stuff on camera.

While she’s been on the telly for the past 80 years, blubbering about what a raging mess she is, the others have been quietly growing older and one of them even had a birthday party to celebrate another year of not quite being as famous as that mentalist Katona.

Yes, the least annoying ‘Kitten’ Liz McClarnon held her 30th birthday party at Shaka Zulu in London and every rubbish celebrity on the planet, nay THE UNIVERSE turned up to get pissed and have their picture taken. The guest-list was staggeringly tragic.

Don’t believe us?

Guests included: Gareth Gates, Alex Reid, Caprice, Brendan Cole, the other two out of Atomic Mittens and even ancient Page 3 steamboat SAM FOX!!!

WE KNOW!!  At least two folk who’ve ridden Katie Price, a really interesting and in no way dull model, a dancer bloke and three women who musically molested the Top 40 years ago. It’s like a really disturbing dream come true. What about the two blokes from Masterchef who made you the winner of cooking stuff?

Ingrate.

We tried to find someone saying something nice about the party but we couldn’t, which leads us to believe it was about as much fun as being forced  to pejazzle Justin Beiber’s winky at gunpoint.

We’re sure someone at some point said:

“Happy Birthday Liz”

and possibly:

“What the fuck is Sam Fox doing here?”

Like we care.

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Nobody likes being the loner at a party who awkwardly shuffle around groups of people before realising that, after two hours, the hat-stand is more popular than them. Trust us, we’ve been there and tried everything from buying everybody drinks and bribing with deliciously greasy takeaways as a means of becoming popular.

Sadly, we’re still friendless and live in a bedsit above a brothel.

Sadly, Kerry Katona is the loner equivalent in the “celebrity” world where she waddles around from pillar to post, desperately seeking out fame, friends and magazine exposure.

Originally, she gained notoriety in 1999 with the ropey pop trio Atomic Kitten and left in 2001. That’s an entire decade of her hanging around and gnawing away on the general public as she attempts to forge something for herself.

Normally when we label someone “desperate”, we get all sorts of people telling us we’re failures at life.

However, it’s safe to say that Kerry Katona is a glorified fame whore who’ll go to any extent to not only be in the limelight but to promote any product, despite how stupid it is.

Once again Katona is living on former glories and loves to remind us that she was the best at shoving kangaroo cock in to her mouth when she won I’m A Celebrity. Other reality TV beckoned but sadly failed with Katona attempting to bag a place on Celebrity Big Brother, only being thwarted by doctors telling her she was a little bit mental.

In between all of the above, MTV viewers have been treated to Kerry Katona shrieking around her house in a fly-on-the-wall programme.

This did little to shift public perception of her as the show’s content mainly focused on her spending more money than she had on pointless tat, shouting at her ex husband and generally complaining about being fat whilst knocking back multiple meals. At the same time.

Add to this, the lovely time when Kerry got busted by the News of the World in a non phone hacking scandal to show her ALLEGEDLY tooting cocaine at home and you’ve got a situation so dire that she even got dropped by Iceland to flog their range of rancid food.

She now needs some way of butting in to our lives. And what better way with another reality show? Step forward Dancing On Ice which is pretty similar to Strictly Come Dancing, but performed on frozen water. Digital Spy reports Kerry Katona harping on to the squawking panel that is Loose Women:

“I think you can hear me before you see me – you can hear me laughing because I’m really loud. But as soon as the live show comes on I get very nervous and go really quiet,” she said. “I really want to be liked again. The public for me are my family.”

So that means we’re like family to Kerry Katona? Well, we like to dish out advice like a good family member should. And the advice is this:

Go away.

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No matter where you go, we are constantly told that Cheryl Cole is the nation’s sweetheart. Newspapers convey this to us and even the butcher will inform you as he’s tenderising a turkey’s face.

It seems that if you release a couple of pop songs, smack a toilet attendant in the face and catch malaria, you’ll capture the hearts of the country. She is basically Princess Diana 2.0.

On the other side of the coin is Kerry Katona, a woman who has seemingly had every possible trauma happen to her. From messy divorces, drug busts and exaggerated medical conditions surely it would been irresponsible for a major TV network to film someone having potential nervous breakdowns? Oh, hold on, people like watching that? Based on that argument, Kerry Katona will soon be dubbed ‘the nation’s tragedy.’

The only TV work Kerry Katona got was when she performed in girlband Atomic Kitten, that program where a load of non-famous people went in to the Australian jungle, dire Iceland adverts and most recently, a fly on the wall documentary for MTV. Featuring her ex, Mark Croft, it was a confusing show which didn’t really have a narrative, just thirty minutes of annoying bickering and arguing.

ITV2 are responsible for a number of shows which really makes us think that we’re destined to be getting our own series. After all, Katie Price, Peter Andre and Alex Reid have already been given a TV crew to follow their every move. Most of the time, the series featuring these individuals are only broadcast when they are due to open a library or have some sort of product to plug.

If hecklerspray was given its own reality show, we wouldn’t expect a three year contract. Instead, a lifetime opportunity would be thrust our way in order for us to entertain people via the medium of TV. Viewers would get to marvel at us struggling to complete basic day to day tasks such as making a bed, getting locked out the house and accidentally grating the skin off our fingers when attempting to make one of those food things you lot call ‘a salad’.

Kerry Katona has nothing on us, however Now Magazine report:

“She’s just signed a three-year deal with ITV for the reality show and is loving filming the shows. They’re getting brilliant ratings and she’s had so much support. It’s really real and watching it back even shocks her, she can’t believe how much she’s changed.”

If anyone would like to find out how many members of the hecklerspray writing team it takes to change a lightbulb, then you’ll be able to find out in the first episode of our new series, “Blog, sweat and tears.”

Now all we need is a production company with more money than sense.

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Christmas is a time for families to come together, drink copious amounts of alcohol and eat sweets all day without feeling guilty. Oh, and remember the birth of Jesus H. Christ our Lord and saviour. Come Boxing Day, everyone suddenly realises they’re half a stone heavier than they should be and they need to lose the flab.

Time to dust off that gym membership and hit the treadmill early? No, all we need is an unqualified famous person to educate us via the medium of DVD.

Hooray for Kerry Katona, the woman who has clawed her way back from celebrity abyss to once again annoy the living heck out of us. Her Real Fitness DVD is due to hit shops at the end of December. How disappointing it won’t be in our stocking on Christmas Day. Our Yule is ruined.

If we were genius marketing types, then we’d cash-in by flogging the DVD during the Christmas period which is when all comedians and tinpot celebrities release stuff. Oddly, December 27th is when this bugger is coming out.

Kerry said:

“I’m delighted to be releasing this fitness DVD. I have struggled with my weight over the last few years but this year I have stayed totally focused on maintaining a healthy body and mind.”

We’d like to point out that when Kerry Katona was previously unhappy with her body, exercise and salads weren’t on the top of her list. Instead, she was hacked open by a surgeon who sucked out litres of fat from her. Subsequently, she then did a shoot for a lad’s mag. We assume that users won’t be guaranteed similar results. That’s unless the first thousand copies of the DVD come with a free scalpel for DIY surgical fun.

It seems that we’re on for an onslaught of Kerry Katona in our lives. Whilst a chain of kebab shops would be the ideal advertising coup for the former Atomic Kitten singer, following her cringe worthy Iceland adverts, food isn’t where she’s turning to.

Instead, some naïve production company want us to see the real Kerry Katona. So that’ll be the opposite of the one featured on MTV when she was off her nut on booze, prescription drugs and illegal substances?

ITV2 are certainly keeping in with its decision of filling their dead air space with shit programs with yet another fly on the wall program featuring Katona. Titled ‘Coming Clean’, we assume it’ll be her blaming her ex husband Mark Croft.

It’s a tried and tested formula with tangerine lookalike Katie Price doing the same in her program as Peter Andre is doing in his. Expect Alex Reid to blag his own if his marriage goes tits up.

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Celebrities. We love hating them. You do too if you were being honest with yourselves. In fact, you probably love the ones you hate more than the ones you love. So with that, let us poke some celebrities with a great big shitty stick for no reason at all. We’ll berate you while we’re at it.

And so, here’s something to make you all feel a bit better about your pointless, futile lives. Ugly celebrities! Look at them! Look at their faces! Look at their ugly, celebrity faces! Makes you sick, eh? They’re disgusting.

Urgh!

Here is the most complete and comprehensive (read: Thrown together and liable to change in our minds every 30 seconds or so) list of minging famous people.

Let’s laugh at their hideous faces.

Try it out now.

“HAHAHAHA! YOU UGLY SONOFABITCH! HAHAHA! *wheeze* HAHAHAHA!”

Guilt inducingly fun, eh?

Trust us when we say, that feeling of guilt will grow and grow until you reach the point where you’re just laughing and you don’t really know why. You’ll just be cackling to yourself with tears streaming down your lumpy little face while people with more money and less talent stroke themselves in their ivory towers.

So. Here we go.

Let’s rip these ugly fuckheads. They deserve it.

Michael Jackson

James Dean famously lived by the mantra, ‘Live fast, die young and leave a good-looking corpse’ and anyone with the slightly morbid curiosity to have tracked down the pictures of JD post-crash (and of course, Meatloaf) can tell you that two out of three aint bad.

Michael Jackson was such a fan of the Rebel Without a Cause that he chose to follow this way of life too. Unfortunately for the King of Pop, the waxy build-up in his ears and refusal to wear reading glasses through some kind of misplaced vanity meant that he never fully understood the phrase. Instead, Jackson understood it to be ‘Live fast, fuck the young and leave a pale, disgusting, wizened ol’ rusk of a corpse’.

A once handsome man, made ugly through choice. What a shame.

David Gest

Famously a friend of Michael Jackson and a once ugly man made even uglier through choice. Though being married to Liza Minelli probably didn’t help.

Jocelyn Wilderstein

The Bride of Wilderstein has spent almost $4m on surgery. $4m. Four. Million. Dollars. Four million. To look like that. To have that face she spent four million dollars. Four. Four million.

She’s ugly.

Marty Feldman

Now we like Marty Feldman. He’s a fine comic actor who’s brought us a lot of joy over the years, so we’ll not say anything rude here. But we couldn’t leave him off this list, we just couldn’t. Sorry, Marty.

Wayne Rooney

Footballers get girls – it’s what they do. Well, playing football is what they do; having sex with cheap tarts with Daddy issues is more of a sideline, really. Either way, they get plenty of free meat to grind their swollen Valentino’s (do people still wear Valentino’s…?) against in Funky Buddha’s on a Tuesday night. These girls are pretty indiscriminate about who they gobble off in a Paddington Travelodge. Hecklerspray knows this because we have it on pretty good authority that West Ham midfielder and pug dog impersonator Kieron Dyer has had sex with up to four different women! Unbelievable!

So imagine how ugly you’d have to be to have to pay for it if you’re a footballer, especially one of the highest-paid and highest-profile English players. So ugly in fact, that oftentimes the only brass you can pick up is a squalid old slapper in her fifties.

So ugly that the only legitimate lookalike you have is an animated ogre.

Just really, really ugly.

Lyle Lovett

Nobody minded Lyle being an unattractive man pre-1993. Country singers are supposed to look a little down-trodden, a little world-weary. Lovett pushed it a bit with his David-Lynch-after-an-acid-in-the-face-attack look, but people were cool with it. Then he married Pretty Woman Julia Roberts and the world began simultaneously vomiting with disgust and rage. It’s always slightly irksome to see a good-looking lady holding hands with an ugly bugger down the high street, but this took the biscuit. Took the biscuit, injected it with the DNA of an inbred gargoyle and smashed it against a wall.

Thankfully, Lovett and Roberts divorced in 1995. Now he’s with a lady called April Kimble. WHO’S ALSO FIT!

Where’s that biscuit? We’re gonna vomit on it.

Steve Buscemi

It’s been said that ugly actor/director Steve Buscemi fell out of the ugly tree and was hit by every ugly branch on the way down. That’s the kind of lazy, hurtful metaphor that ugly people like the ugly Steve Buscemi have to deal with every day. It’s this kind of malicious remark that hecklerspray wants to clear up right now and tell you that this is an ugly lie.

In fact, Steve ‘Ugly Steve’ Buscemi fell into an ugly bush and was hit by every leaf on the way into it. Poor (ugly) Steve

Kerry Katona

Kerry has an unusually monstrous mush. She suffers from a unique problem that doctors call ‘Westbrook’s Mug’, where her natural, tiny council estate face has folded in on itself after years of steady cocaine face-collapse. Experts claim that years of binging on free frozen pavlovas and massive rings of cheap frozen prawns have only served to exacerbate the problem.

Although, let’s not forget that she had quite a nice rack in the nineties. That’s not meant to be funny, it’s just true. Go on – open a new tab and Google it. We’ll wait…

See?

John C. Reilly

It’s a little known fact that John C. Reilly has undergone extensive facial reconstruction surgery. “Oh my God – what did he look like before?!” We hear you rudely interrupt. Well, if you’ll let us finish (Jeeeeesus…), we’ll tell you…

In the late eighties, Reilly was using his given name, Maxwell O’Steel and was regularly voted America’s most handsome man. He looked like Orlando Bloom, sculpted from platinum and covered in sex. But he couldn’t get the parts his acting chops deserved. No one took him seriously. So Maxwell decided to downgrade both his name and face, deciding on the boring moniker, ‘John C. Reilly’ and opting for face #337 from the surgeon’s book, ‘Kangaroo’s Scrotum Pulled Over a Sports Bag Full of Used Car Parts’. And the rest is history…

Sandra Bernhard

It’s easy to mock Sandra Bernhard for being ugly because of her massive mouth. The truth is if you want to be able to dislocate your jaw and eat an entire bison like she can, it has to be pretty big. And the same goes for being able to get your mouth around Madonna’s vagina (allegedly, etc., etc., etc.).

So there you have it. If those disgusting things can make it big, then even you can! Well, not you. You’re awful. In fact, can you stop looking at us please?

Urgh.

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Dara O’Briain is the host of BBC comedy-news quiz Have I Got News for You Mock the Week, the show that brought the comedy stylings of, (Proclaimers look alike) Frankie Boyle and (Baby P lookalike) Russell Howard into our living rooms. His latest live show has seen him tour the UK and Ireland extensively in an attempt to prove that he’s just as funny as the others.

The night starts off with O’Briain saying there will be no Papal jokes as it’s just too obvious for a comedian to attack a former Nazi who is now the King of the Catholics, a church that seems almost dedicated to out nonce-ing Michael Jackson (although as yet there is no Catholic version of Bubbles, but give it some time).

The gigantic Irishman was on top form, telling Billy Connolly-esque stories and building up a good rapport with the audience during the obligatory ask the audience segment.

The second half was more full on, complete with rants that would make Hecklerspray writers blush and longer, more concise stories that had disgusting twists that would either have the audience in stitches or have them literally recoiling in a bizarre mixture of horror and disgust that is usually reserved for those unlucky enough to see the human whale, Kerry Katona, in the buff.

O’Briain is a much cleverer comic than Boyle and Howard, shying away from the shock humour and knob gags in favour of jokes that have a rhythm and nerd humour, a prime example of this is Dara’s rant about computer games, in which he went to great lengths to act out many of the problems you encounter when playing 3^rd person stealth based games such as Metal Gear Solid.

As a Hecklerspray writer I tend to lap up humiliation and anger based comedy, I find it’s the best metaphor for my sex life, but Dara O’Briain’s live show was exceptionally funny and remained consistent throughout the entire performance.

He’s still touring, so if you get a chance I highly recommend seeing him before he goes back to being the ugly one from Mock the Week.

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Of all the celebrities in the known universe, Kerry Katona has to be one of the most gaspingly awful. She couldn’t really sing, can’t really muster up the acting talent to get through an Iceland commercial and is only ever on the radar elsewhere when she’s making a mess of her life.

There is, naturally, a human under all this, but that shouldn’t stop us from being idiotically nasty about her because basically, that’s our job… just as hers is to provide us all with the ammo to throw back at her.

And so, what’s she up to now? Well, she’s actively encouraging us to sharpen our arrows and prime our slings as she’s ranted and spat about Wayne Rooney’s alleged infidelity with a prostitute, dubbing it “absolutely disgusting”.

In fairness to Katona, she is right when she says that Wayne Rooney’s sexing of a lady of the night is disgusting. However, any sexual activity involving simiantastic Rooney is going to be disgusting. Imagine him bearing down on you, grunting like a pig in a sack, beads of swear running down his sloped brow as he tries to form rudimentary words while pawing at your flesh.

Chilling.

Katona, however, speaking in her OK! column, is saying that she’s sympathising with Coleen but wouldn’t allow herself to remain in a relationship in those circumstances.

She said:

“It’s absolutely disgusting what Wayne Rooney has allegedly been up to.

“It’s really hard for Coleen because they’ve got a kid and that family brand but you shouldn’t put up with that.”

She added:

“I couldn’t tell her to leave him – she’s madly in love with him and they have a child – but you’ve got to have respect for yourself because if you don’t, no-one else will.

“I’d rather be happy and single and respect myself than be in a miserable marriage where you get walked all over and put up with so much.

“I want a better life for my kids. That’s why I walked away.”

That’s all well and good Kerry, but wanting better for your kids is a bit rich, seeing as you’ve been widely criticised for smoking and boozing during your pregnancies. Not to mention those dodgy snaps that appeared in one tabloid that suggested you had huge bags of coke lying about the house at a particularly child-friendly height.

Although, that all said, Katona could force the legs of her children through a wood chipper and it still wouldn’t be as disgusting as Wayne Rooney having sex.

Nope. You’re right Kerry. As you were.

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Do you ever get the feeling that popular TV has been taken over by aliens? There’s something about how smooth and emotionless they are.

Look at them, pretending to be human, all the while being unable to make any recognisable facial expression, their taut, stretched skin weirdly aligned over their rough facsimile of human bone structure. Weird isn’t it? No, not really. I’m not an idiot; it’s all botox and ill-advised plastic surgery. Apart from that Fearne Cotton, she is clearly one of the lizard rulers from the lower levels of fourth dimensional space that David Icke is always banging on about.

Anyway, we all know that people on TV are botoxed up the wazoo, but one of the old members of Atomic Kitten has found a fun new place to inject that precious, precious fluid. Somewhere you might not expect (unless you have a particularly filthy mind, which, to be fair you probably do). Find out after the jump.

It’s her armpits apparently. Sorry if you were expecting something more ‘vagina-y’ but this is a family website you know. Anyway: armpits. That’s still weird, right? Weird enough to write about 500 words about?  Not really? Oh, god, now I’ve made you angry for wasting your time clicking the link. I’m sorry, please stop crying. We’ll get through this as quick as possible, I promise.

Anyway, Now Magazine rolls its eyes and spits out these words:

The former Atomic Kitten star, 29, says the injection prevents her from perspiring. ‘I actually got some in my armpits to stop me sweating,’ Liz told This Morning.’[While there] I went: ‘Oh, just pop a bit in my forehead as well’ and it’s absolutely brilliant.

Oh come on, you remember Atomic Kitten? They were the ones who were basically the Ship of Theseus of the Pop World, before the current revolving door employment program that is the Sugababes came into existence. Remember? They’re the ones that set eyes on Kerry Katona and thought ‘that looks like a stable and undoubtedly productive member of society that in no way will go batshit crazy in a couple of years and appear on This Morning looking like the oldest, tiredest member of a hen night after the pubs have shut in Blackpool’. Those guys?

Still nothing? Anyway, it probably doesn’t matter. One of the girls who used to be in that, but now untroubles the nations’ eyes, apparently gets sweaty enough for minor surgical treatment to prevent her from getting sweat patches when she’s working at, I dunno, the local chippy or whatever.

Yes, we all know it’s a pointless story. But look on the bright side – you can at now regale people down the pub with your knowledge of ex-popstar-sweat-patch-botox-armpit-disasters though, right? That’s got to be worth something.

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