The internet can be a dark and cruel place full of cyber bullies hiding behind anonymous usernames and bastards like us, who are rewarded by the mainstream media for having blogs dedicated to slagging off celebrities.

Ha!

In fact, the internet is such a vile cesspool of hate that the stars have come out and whinged about how they’re being made fun of too much and it hurts their feelings and that people should care about their pointless little lives and treat them as humans and not the dancing monkeys they actually are.

Those bastions of integrity, Miley Cyrus, Kelly Osbourne and the ugly Kardashian sister, have all taken to the internet in order to criticise it for it’s propensity to bully and ridicule, something we here at hecklerspray would never stoop to.

After all, who are we to ridicule a group of talentless shills that are only famous for having a relative who either wrote a well known song or made a particularly boring sex tape.

Whilst Khloe Kardashian is content with just stomping her Jimmy Choos and whining about how horrible the internet is, she profiteers her sisters name. Osborne and Cyrus are doing something about it, by saying that social networking site Twitter should ban all cyber bullies from its site.

What Kelly, Miley and Khloe are going through is obviously so much worse than the countless young people and adults that are bullied both in person and online on a daily basis. After all, how are they meant to cope? It’s not like they have millions of dollars in the bank, an array of in varying countries houses and staff to wait on them hand and foot.

Oh, and of course, it’s not like they have PR people to help them maintain their own image.

What’s that? They do! Well, maybe they should stop complaining about how hard their lives are and front some anti bullying campaigns.

Feel free to quote all the dreadful, bully-sounding things Kelly Osbourne has aimed at other celebrities in the past decade or so.

Teenage warbler and spawn of the devil (aka Billy Ray) Miley Cyrus,  recently ‘fessed up to being the raging pothead we all suspected at her 19th birthday party in Los Angeles.

Guest included, Kelly Osbourne and Rumer Willis, boyfriend Liam Hemsworth and of course her parents who were probably out the back, line-dancing through the piles of money they’ve  made from selling their child to the Disney factory.

Miley was presented with a Bob Marley cake and before devouring it face first, she gave a small speech, made up of words.

She said:

“You know you’re a stoner when your friends make you a Bob Miley cake. You know you smoke way too much fuckin’ weed!”

She failed to mention whether the cake had ‘jam-in’ [we're sorry] but subtle as a brick in the face friend, Kelly Osbourne decided to try and be funny and distract everyone from the fact she was ramming fistfuls of cake into her handbag.

Referencing the 2010 incident where Miley was caught bonging herself into oblivion she laughed,

“I thought salvia was your problem!”

What? Could it be that in fact Miley wasn’t smoking perfectly legal salvia but in fact something much more fun-filled and arrest worthy?

Stop shouting “YES!!”, you have no proof.

Kelly, obviously aware that she’d come across as a complete shit-stirrer, ran to tweet and make sure everyone knew it was a joke, m’kay?

‘Let me make something very clear after @MileyCyrus salvia incident we started calling her Bob Miley as a JOKE! The cake was also A JOKE.’

She kept digging that hole.

‘It makes me sick that @MileyCyrus so called ‘friends’ would sell her out and lead people 2 believe she is someone that she is not!’

Um, isn’t that EXACTLY what you just did Kelly?

‘U guys if @MileyCyrus is not recording/filming/touring she is works everyday how could she possibly do all that is she was a stoner! #think (sic)

That’s a very good point daughter of Ozzy Osbourne.  We’ve never heard of anyone in the music business being able to maintain a career whilst using drugs.

However, Miley didn’t give two hoots and tweeted;

‘Can’t thank @MissKellyO for the best partyyyy ever! =]]]] i loveeeee you! Let’s just say there was a unicorn in the lobby!’

No. No there wasn’t.

Bloody hippies.

Here’s the stupid video.

Say what you like about Kelly Osbourne, but… no, seriously. Say whatever you like. We’re not Kelly Osbourne so we’re not going to defend her. That’s because she’s rather fond of doing it for herself.

See, Kelly has had a privileged but awkward upbringing, and so, as some coping mechanism, developed a really loud mouth.

If you go after her, she’ll probably huff and puff and yell your house down. So, when an ex of hers starts slating her on twitter, she’s not likely to take it lying down is she? Especially when she’s still grieving over the loss of her friend, Amy Winehouse.

Osbourne has had many run-ins with her ex-fiance – Luke Worrall – and this week, he really did pick a lousy time to start airing the dirty linen.

At some point, he obviously remembered that his ex had just lost a mate, and hastily deleted his tweets aimed at Kelly. Sadly for him, she’d already seen them.

After returning and seeing what he wrote, she responded:

“@luke_worrall you’ve made it very clear u only dated me 4 my life style but s*** tweets about me the day im @ a funeral u have hit a new low.”

Fair enough. She wasn’t done though.

“@luke_worrall it was fine when my Kellyphant ass was paying 4everything wasn’t it? i just didn’t think u could get much lower but u did #wow.”

Kellyphant? Crikey. That’s beneath even us!

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Dog owners are idiots. They dote on their flea-bitten shit-factories like they’re proper members of the family, despite the fact they do no work around the house, demand food and walkies and are only good for blaming your flatulence on.

Not that dog owners would ever let on. They look into their idiot dog’s eyes and mistake stupidity for some kind of human empathy. ‘My dog understands me and is always there when I need them!’ Dogs are always there, period. They’re after food or a piss, not a heart-to-heart. Dogs probably don’t even have hearts. Just more shit.

Of course, the rest of us perfectly sensible humans have to put up with people when their dogs die. We suffered like Jesus on the cross when Jennifer Aniston’s dog passed-away, and now, we are required to do the same for Kelly Osbourne who has lost the only thing in her life that she felt was an intellectual equal.

That’s right kiddiewinks, Kelly’s pooch, Noodles, has been ‘put to sleep’ (or, if you’re being honest, terminated with a syringe of poison) which has left her ‘devastated’.

Apparently, this lesser being (we’re talking about the dog here) was exterminated without prejudice after it was discovered that it had an incurable brain defect. No, we don’t care either. Let us get this clear – a dog called Noodles, which is a Pomeranian or something, had a seizure and then got killed.

Not that Kelly sees it through rational eyes.

She said:

“My poor baby girl Noodles is sick. She had a seizure and they don’t know why I’m taking her to see a specialist 2 hours away for a brain scan. I can’t even look at my baby girl with out crying she just looks so sick and helpless.(sic)”

She later tweeted:

“Noodles is not going to make it. She was born with a brain defect and I have to put her to sleep today. I’m devastated. I just cant believe it. (sic)”

The world is potentially going to cry its entire reserves of water over this because this TRAGEDY comes a matter of weeks after Kelly almost lost another dog. A dog called Sid. Sid who died after accidentally swallowing some chewing gum. Chewing gum still in the wrapper.

Stupid fucking canines.

“Poor Sid ate half a packet of chewing gum, last week and I had to rush him to the vet. There’s Xylitol – a sweetener – in gum, which is the dog equivalent of giving cyanide to humans. It causes their blood sugar to drop and shuts down liver functions. He’s fine now, but it was traumatic. The vet thinks, because he chewed it with the paper on, it didn’t go into his system as quickly as it could have, which saved his life.”

Last July, her puppy Woody died aged just 14 weeks old from unknown causes.

At the time, Kelly said:

“My life could not get any worse right now I come home to find my dog Woody is dead.”

So there you have it. Kelly Osbourne. Her house is like Auschwitz for dogs.

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You’d think that Sharon Osbourne was unshockable wouldn’t you? After all, she’s willingly had intercourse with Ozzy Osbourne, probably with the lights on too. She’s also stared at her own surgically enhanced face in the mirror, while wearing no make-up. She lets her dogs shit in the house.

However, it seems Sharon is a bit of a prude, especially when it comes to accidental porn.

Now, that’s not to say she’s discovered a new niche of bongo films, where people get off with each other while in a train wreck (it’s only a matter of time before that takes off), but rather, her cheery daughter, Kelly, has revealed that Sharon was left agog after someone accidentally sent some smut to her mobile.

That’s right! Terrible atrocities may well be going on around the world and despotic leaders cling to power with their bloody nails scraping down palatial walls, but Sharon Osbourne has had porn sent to her phone by a complete stranger!

Kelly spluttered that her oddly-faced mother contacted her in a massive panic after she opened up a message, which displayed material that was Rated X.

Kelly tweeted:

“My mum just told me the funniest story. someone thinks they are texting a friend named sam but they are accidentally texting my mum porn! My mum is like ‘i dont want anyone thinking i like looking at dirty horrible things like that!’ she is freaking out its so funny!”

Amazing, given that she’s probably had to do some dirty horrible things in her life, seeing as she worked in rock ‘n’ roll with various members of Black Sabbath before finding a TV career.

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Kelly Osbourne, a girl who has more hang-ups than a gallows convention, is shouting her mouth off again in the hope that it makes her appear like she’s one of those Z clicking independent wimmin who won’t be taking no grief from no-one. OKAY?

However, she’s not being all feminist, rather, she’s saying that Hollywood only has two types of people. Charmingly, the two kinds of souls there are fall into either the bitch category, or under the umbrella of ‘slut’.

And with that, she’s confessed that she’d rather be a bitch than a slut. That’s the charm we’ve come to expect from a girl who has yet to work out her purpose in the world whilst taking it out on everyone else.

Of course, being a nasty, loudmouth git isn’t ever simply an exercise in meanery. Rather, like those who start sentences with “I’m not being funny, right…”, it is an exercise in ‘standing up for yourself’.

And that’s exactly what Kelly Osbourne is telling herself when she brands other women ‘sluts’.

“This is something that my mom taught me when we’re growing up in the industry and I don’t know how to word this, but you’re either a slut or a bitch, and I would rather be a bitch.”

“I have this thing ever since I was a kid, like, if I don’t like someone, I just don’t like them.”

That’ll explain why our Kelly is so popular then.

But alas, the person Kelly hates more than anyone else is Kelly Osbourne.

That’s right. She’s been wishing she were dead.

“I woke up one day and I couldn’t believe that I was hoping that if I took a bit more that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. And that’s what really scared me. I was just like I can’t believe I have become this person.

Sadly for us bitches and sluts, Kelly has decided to sort herself out with a spot of rehab. She can only hope that the people who work there don’t have the same ‘if I don’t like you, there’s nothing I can do about it’ attitude as her, eh readers?

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Taylor Momsen, is like, totally serious about her music and wants us all to know that, despite distracting us from said music by constantly getting her lady baps out, this really isn’t a “vanity” project.

Of course, you’ll definitely know Momsen from her role as Jenny Humphrey in Gossip Girl. However, she’s been effectively thrown off the show for being unbearable and so brattish that she makes Veruca Salt look as quiet as a sleeping nun.

These days, she’s all about her rock band The Pretty Reckless who have released an album and everything! You won’t know that it was called Light Me Up because you were too busy looking at Taylor’s momsens. You’re not even reading this are you? You’re looking at her busters right now. Sicko.

Momsen, presumably wearing an illegally small amount of clothes, hopes that us plebs will realise that music is just as much of a passion as her acting.

“It’s still something I have to overcome. I don’t think it’s fully transitioned. I would consider myself a musician that also acts. I’ve been writing songs since I was five. It’s the thing that I chose for myself. I wasn’t put into it. I made the decision and couldn’t live without it, and hopefully people will give the record a chance and they’ll hear that. They’ll hear that it’s not some side vanity project [but] that I really, really worked on it for a long time, really my whole life.”

She’s dedicated her impressively short life to an album! AMAZING! High art for all! Yeah man! Don’t be expecting any of that pop rubbish from Momsen!

“I wouldn’t have ever put out a dance record and probably never will. I think there’s a place for all types of music, but it’s not my cup of tea. I love classic rock.”

Classic rock! Yeah! Just what the world needs more of! Backward, regressive, turgid white rock for people who don’t like music you can dance to! WAHOO! But if she’s making American alt.rock, surely we’re only a stones throw away from someone saying the word ‘raw’ (you can blame every journalist who ever wrote about Nirvana for that stupid phrase).

“What I love about music is I love playing. That’s what I loved about music to begin with; that’s what I fell in love with. It was the rawness and hearing the imperfections and having the imperfections be what makes it so unique and honest. I really wanted to make an honest record. That was the outlook that kept me sane and honest.”

But you’re still thinking about her boobs aren’t you?

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Taylor Momsen is no longer the face and eyeshadow of Madonna and her daughter Lourdes Leon’s Material Girl fashion line.

For some reason, fashion lines associated with Madonna don’t sell themselves. While we work out why not, and why her 14-year-old daughter wasn’t the first spokesmodel for her own teenage fashion line, we’ll just let you know Taylor’s got one less way in which to ruin your sofa cushions.

Taylor, of Gossip Girl fame, spent the end of last year representing Material Girl. Which, to be blunt, seemed to mean little more than she would make less than half-a-dozen appearances and pose for the promotional poster. That’s better than the paper round we shared at hecklerspray bedsit, which paid for our milk and cookies, when we were 17-years-old.

But, Taylor’s attempts were still pretty uninspiring and rushed. She didn’t exactly sound thrilled to pick up the gig, and deigned to wear trousers, for hours at a time, during promotional appearances.

The actress is no longer duty-bound to wear trousers, as she has been replaced by Kelly Osbourne.The 26-year-old replaces the teenager, after Lourdes wrote on the fashion line’s blog that they were ‘desperately seeking’ a new face. Which we’re blithely translating as, ‘There are only so many times we can wash Taylor’s eye make-up off our cushion covers before they start to fade!’

From Us Magazine:

“Material Girl is thrilled to confirm that Kelly Osbourne is the new face for 2011! We will be sharing all the details on this exciting new campaign in the upcoming weeks,” the rep confirms to UsMagazine.com. Osbourne, it seems, was the natural choice. “Kelly’s always been a massive fan of Madonna and recently heard Lourdes idolized her, which she was very flattered by. It’s a huge coup,” a source told Britain’s Sunday Mirror.

This is just marvellous. Because it means as we, of hecklerspray bedsit, try on the snazzy items we saw in Tiger Beat, we can stretch them out and not worry that we are the ones who raccoon smudged rings around the necks of all those shirts.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, which is genuinely brilliant and marvellous.

Kelly Osbourne, who has found out the hard way that you can lose loads of weight but alas, it doesn’t make your massive skull any smaller, is a woman scorned. Her ex, a model called Luke Worrall, cheated on her over Christmas and it all went tits-up.

However, the rags were thrilled about the whole thing because there was a twist in the tale! Worrall cheated on Osbourne with Elle Schneider who, GET THIS, was once a man called Reynaldo Gonzalez!

IMAGINE THAT?!

Of course, the subtext with any story involving someone who is transgender is “Ho ho ho! Aren’t some people weird?! Do we call them ‘he’, ‘she’ or ‘it’? WHAT A DAFT WORLD WE LIVE IN! HO HO HO!”, which is about as subtle and pleasant as finding a spent condom in your coat pocket.

Alas, the real odd piece of this celebrity jigsaw is that here, we have two women who are bonding over the fact they’ve shagged the same person who cheated on the more famous one of the two.

Elle said:

“I spoke to Kelly about two days ago. Every time we talk on the phone, it will be for 40 minutes to an hour . Kelly contacted me on 25 December.”

“She had read Luke’s private messages to me on his twitter page and wanted to let me know he had been lying to me, just like he had lied to her.”

Elle, who is undergoing treatment for… well… what do you think, cretins? first met Luke at a New York nightclub and the both ended up having sex in a hotel. So far, so normal one-night-stand.

Luke, who may well be something of a love-rat, wasn’t fussed when Elle told him she was a transsexual and actually seemed more interested in her because of it. Even if it was only a curiosity fuck, that’s quite commendable.

Elle says:

“I was open with Luke, I told him I was born a boy. He didn’t mind. In fact it turned him on more. He told me I was beautiful. It was only when I took my clothes off that hew saw I had a penis. He wasn’t fazed by it ‘ he was very complimentary.”

Alas, Ms Osbourne isn’t so complimentary about ol’ Luke, stating that she only feels disgust for him.

Elle adds:

“From the moment I met him he was telling me he loved me and wanted us to get married. At the same time he was professing his love to me, he was doing the same to Kelly. I think the way he has treated her is terrible. The way Luke lives his life is completely toxic.”

If you can’t recall what Kelly said, it went a little something like this:

‘@Luke_worrall is the biggest piece of s**t he has been trying to get back w/ me I only came home for Xmas to see him meanwhile he has been f***ing 100′s of girls as well as men behind my back all he did was use me all girls beware of…

@Luke_worral he is a using ****! He used me for my money and a free ride he is lucky I am not spilling the hole truth about what he did ! [sic]‘

So there you have it. Make your own stupid minds up about it all.

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Poor old Kelly Osbourne. After years of being chided for her masculine features – her strong jaw, wrestler’s shoulders and mouth like a inebriated docker – she’s finally managed to slim down to a rough approximation of femininity and find a lovely Aryan man-child to become her fiancé, only to get cheated on with a man.

Well, an ex-man, to be precise. Nearly. She still has a penis, and is pre-op. So it’s really a technically either way.

Anyway, sod it, we’re going to use the feminine pronoun for the rest of this and you can all fight it out in the comments or use your rage as an excuse to wrestle with that sex doll of indeterminate gender and species you have in the cupboard. You know, the one you’ve named after your mum.

Now, you might have to pay attention in this story, because all of the participants are almost identical-looking fake-blonde twenty somethings, one of whom is a girl but was born a man, one is a girl but used to look like a boy and one is a boy who looks a bit like a girl. Frankly, this article is becoming difficult to write as there’s a strong presence of an erection as we type.

Anyway, the facts are these: you may remember that Kelly Osbourne got the bestest Christmas a girl could get, and found out that her husband-to-be had been away banging a girl in New York. Turns out that Elle Schneider, the girl in question, was born a man, with man-bits and everything. How disgusting. Obviously, it’s only Kelly Osbourne and that, but cheating on your fiancé? How disgustingly shit.

The Mirror girds its gender-neutral loins and reports:

It was only when I took my clothes off he saw I had a penis. He wasn’t fazed by it – he was very complimentary. He was drunk. He stayed the night and did not leave my hotel room until 11am the next day. Back then, I had no idea he was engaged. He repeatedly insisted he was single.

And that was over a year ago. Since then, they’ve been using Skype for video-sex (no idea either. But then again we’re not even sure how ‘regular’ sex works, so best not to ask us. Send prostitutes instead). It was only after she came over to see him DJ (oh, so apparently he’s a DJ. Huh, that’s a piece of information we’re going to have to forget) and hooked up with her again that Kelly got suspicious. In an ending worthy of a made for TV movie (in the unlikely even that they commission one about a blonde knob-headed DJ and his transatlantic, transgendered hookups) the two women:

…started chatting and swapping stories via Facebook and Twitter and soon realised he had been stringing them both along.

Girl power! Or something. Anyway, it’s a mostly happy ending. Apart from Elle being publicly outed, Luke will hopefully never DJ or appear in the public consciousness again and best of all, it’ll almost definitely be another few years before there is any more Osbourne added to the gene pool!

Hurrah!

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Kelly Osbourne has learned that, once you lose loads of weight, it is much easier for nasty sorts to get through your ribcage and cause you heartache. It’s a good thing that festive food and drink is an excellent substitute for feelings.

That’s because our Kelly has had a turbulent end to 2010, resulting in a rather sweary rant on twitter (yes, we’re astonished as well).

Osbourne went off on one like a mad-thing against her now former fiance Luke Worrall, who we’ve never heard of either. All we know is that he looks like a cross between Spike from Buffy and a ten year old Aryan posterboy.

This is how it all unfolded.

Osbourne kicked things off in a vague, emo manner, tweeting:

“Just found something out that has hurt my feelings so bad and christmas was going so well.”

Then, over a series of tweets, she added:

“What do you do when someone lies in the darkest way and you try to tell the person that was lied to but they don’t believe you? I think the best part of this situation is that I have been painted out to be the crazy one when all I did was tell the honest to God truth.”

Sounds like a case of ‘I’m not being funny or anything, but…’. Still, Kelly wasn’t prepared to languish in cryptic vaguery, returning to that famous potty gob of hers, offering up some splendid ‘night time language’.

“Luke Worrall is the biggest piece of s**, he has been trying to get back with me, I only came home for Xmas to see him. Meanwhile, he has been f***ing hundreds of girls…behind my back.”

She wasn’t done there either, continuing:

“All he did was use me. All girls, beware of @Luke_worral he is a using C***! He used me for my money and a free ride. He is lucky I am not spilling the whole truth about what he did!”

“He is the worst thing that ever happened to me,”

“I don’t give a f*** what happens to him anymore…I am and always will be too good for him…Darling, your pretty face will only get you so far because you don’t have the brains to back it up.”

The truth about what he did? How intriguing! We can only assume that ‘the truth’ means that he used to nick the odd quid out of her purse to buy 20 Regal King Size/20 Luckies (depending on what country they were in, of course).

“Don’t think I have ever felt so stupid. He made a fool of me.”

We find that had to believe. C’mon now. Kelly Osbourne constantly looks like she’s in a state of dumbness and was probably born into a wicker basket marked ‘Fool’. Still, she’s all heartbroken and we’re poking fun at her. That isn’t fair is it?

Well it wasn’t fair on us when we had to listen to those wretched records you released some years ago.

Anyway, we’ll be getting a break from sweary Kelly as she’s…

“off Twitter for a while. never felt like this in my life.”

We’ll start cutting ourselves in solidarity Kel.

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This just in: Kelly Osbourne can fit into fashion sample sizes and she has become as gleefully smug as she is thin.

Isn’t that just wonderful. The reality star, who lost an alarming amount of weight after being on Dancing With The Stars this year, has been on several shows talking about how she lost weight.

Mostly, Kelly credits not being a pig and lifting her buttocks off the sofa, one at a time, and working out for 30-minutes-per-day.

So, less pies. More butt lifting. Got that?

Her diet is so easy-to-follow that the 25-year-old is posing on the cover of a health and fitness magazine to show off her new figure and share weight loss tips.

For an upcoming issue of Shape, Kelly is posing in a bikini. Her first ever bikini. Seriously. She claims she never even thought about trying on a bikini before losing weight. You know. Because of all the pies. And she actually cried with excitement, as did those around her, when she first tried one on.

In her new role as thin Hollywood ingenue, Kelly notes that her peers are suddenly threatened by her. Being thin around other thin people will have that affect. Also, they’re always grouchy due to the lack of delicious lard in their diets.

Kelly was the real life equivalent of the perfectly-adequate-looking-friend with thick glasses and a ponytail who got sidelined in a movie until she shed both. Think Janey Briggs in Not Another Teen Movie. Specifically, Kelly says that her former Blackberry friends don’t want to come out and play anymore. They’re getting openly more nasty. Where they’d once say hello they’re now ignoring her.

From Showbiz Spy:

The 25-year-old star admits she is still getting used to her new shape and feels shocked every time she sees a picture of herself. “My weight? People don’t realise it’s as shocking to me as it is to them. When they open up a magazine and they see it… I’m still getting used to seeing me like this and the changes and the way that… it’s weird!” she said. “Girls in Hollywood don’t like you because you become competition. They have started to get much more nasty. You think, ‘Usually you say hi and now you don’t.’”

There’s no putting the hair back in a ponytail and the glasses are  long gone. She should just embrace it, get some ribs removed and really show people what she’s working with. Hollywood is pretty much just one giant high school where every one’s dating each other and girls are hyper-competitive and catty. We’re pretty much sure the rib-removal thing is the best way forward.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so hooray for that.

Twitter has been a lovely device for sharks like us. We sit around staring idly at celebrity accounts, counting down from ten for when they start spouting off about things. The Osbourne Family, who aren’t exactly strangers to opening their mouths before kicking their tongues in gear are clearly perfect for the direct-line of social networking.

This week, it’s Kelly Osbourne who is letting rip in a seven-post-long rant defending her mum Sharon over claims made in Dannii Minogue’s new book.

We know! Dannii Minogue has a bloody book out! Can you believe it?

Extracts were released from Dannii’s Minogue’s soon to be released autobiography, imaginatively titled ‘Dannii: My Story’ (perhaps she should’ve called it “Living In The Shadow Of My Famous Sister, Grabbing At The Nearest Coat Tail” or something instead),.

Dannii claims that Sharon Osbourne reduced her to tears on her first day in the new X Factor job. That’s not news – Sharon Osbourne reduces us all to tears every single time she hauls her motionless chops out onto our television sets.

Dannii says that Sharon ‘bowled in’ and ‘demanded to know why I hadn’t gone to the press to tell them what a nice person she was’ on her first day, adding:

“The minute she left, I burst into tears. I’d managed to hold it together while Sharon had been there, but once she’d gone I couldn’t hold it in, and I wept into my hands.

“I wasn’t crying because I thought there was any truth to what she’d said – I was crying because someone I had previously looked up to had bawled in my face and ruined my big night.”

Kelly Osbourne wasn’t going to let that lie was she? In fairness, she had to be the mouthpiece for the family because brother Jack’s fingers are too chubby to press his Blackberry keys and Ozzy’s feed would look like this:

“Mwnmn mm mhm fuckin’ shmmlb mhhm Sharon.”

So what did Kelly have to say? Well (and feel free to stick [sic] at the end of each snippet):

“the best thing to happen to dannii’s career was that my mother hated her she needs to shut her mouth and concenterate on motherhood!

‘i will be the first one to admit that my mother did not play her cards right when came to dannii but trust me when i say dannii is the devil,’

‘dannii you are so lucky that i respect simon enough to not tell the truth about what really happened. wa wa wa you poor middle aged victum’

This, of course, saw Dannii’s fans leaping to her rescue (or, if you prefer, typing obscenities to a stranger after being angered at someone else being rude, thereby making the whole debacle a festival of hypocritical shit-slinging).

Kelly explained herself:

“to the 12 dannii fans out there i ask you this question what would you do if someone wrote a book of lies about your mother?”

“i think you all forget i was there i saw everything and if my mum was the “bully” why was she the one the left the show?”

“sorry i have just had to deal with this bulls**t 4 years and i have kept my mouth shut but i am sick and tired of her lies enough is enough.”

Then, finishing with a flourish, she closed with:

“what the f**k is wrong with some of you people its not just some friend i am defending its my MOTHER!!!!!”

Isn’t twitter a wonderful tool for making celebrities go stir-mental?

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Kelly Osbourne first appeared on the radar as a kinda-chunky potty-mouthed brat with daft hair and a house covered in dog-shit. Then, she releases a couple of singles and does a duet with her dad.

Then she almost disappeared.

Well, it seems that, in the interim, she’s been losing weight and now she wants us all to see it as a picture of her looking svelte in a bra appeared on Twitter. That’s not really that newsworthy… but the fact she joined the Pussycat Dolls is so weird that we really ought to relay it to you all.

The thought of Kelly Osbourne gyrating with the Pussycat Dolls goes against everything our puny little brains have ever thought. I mean, they’re the girlfriends of jocks right? Kelly is the snotty little punk in the toilets smoking tabs?

Not anymore. These worlds melded as one peculiar beast on Wednesday night in LA.

Apparently, Osbourne has been working hard on improving her body. She’s a size two these days. We don’t even know what that means. Is it like children’s shoes? If she goes lower does she end up in thirteens?

Anyway, she performed alongside the Dolls during an invitation only show at the Viper Room club… you know the one, the club where celebrities go and die.

She took to the stage wearing a flashy white sparkly corset, hot pants and fishnet stockings.

“It’s the first time I’ve really danced since filming ‘ Dancing with the Stars,’ but it’s so different,’ she said. “This isn’t stiff ballroom – it’s slinky and sexy!”

Robin Antin’s hybrid burlesque act invited Osbourne to join them and Antin wrote on her Twitter page:

“SNEAK PEEK of Kelly in rehearsal for Pussycat Dolls Burlesque Review! WOW, she’s so HOT!”

And then she posted this:

So there you have it. Famous person is now thinner than previous. Everyone continues their lives unchanged.

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Kelly Osbourne is paler than the palest member of the Nicola Roberts fan club. We all know it, and we think it’s our second favourite thing about her – second only to her overwhelming conviction that purple rinses are a hit with people in their 20s.

Kelly has upset a group of people – people we didn’t know existed – with her new ads for spray tanning. The reality star appears in a print ad campaign for spray tans, the image for which shows her with the words ‘Self Esteem’ written on her chest. To go along with the uninspiring advert, Kelly has offered soundbites on how tanning can feed the hungry and right the economy. Okay, she said no such thing – she said tanning made her look healthier and look 10 pounds thinner – but if she can make nonsense up on the spot, so can we.

So far as the group of people we were talking about, it turns out there’s some kind of pale advocacy community. The pale have formed some sort of terrifying underground society where they plot against those who like to sun worship. We’re not worried, you understand. We’re bloggers. By law, we’re not allowed to leave the house unless it’s burning down around us. All you other annoying tanned people (of whom we’re not jealous at all), better watch your backs.

Kelly, speaking about how the cool kids like her more now that she’s tanned, has hit a nerve with quite a few people.

From NY Daily News:

The naturally pale-skinned reality star has come under fire after claiming a self-tanning cream makes her look 10 pounds skinner, London’s Daily Mail reports.  The Prince’s Trust charity — for whom Osbourne is an ambassador — has pulled its endorsement of the star’s St. Tropez ad campaign after parents argued the spray tan company’s message was inappropriate for the disadvantaged children the organisation seeks to help.

Yeah – tanned people. You’re a terrible influence on the children… and such.

Titled “Self Esteem” the advertisements suggested that feeling good about oneself is tied to looking thin and pretty. “I looked healthy, I looked like 10 pounds skinnier, and it started to make me look at my body in a different way,” Osbourne said in the video, which has since been removed from St. Tropez’s Web site. “It made me look at what looked better rather than what I didn’t like, and I kind of got addicted.” Soon after, Prince’s Trust announced it was no longer backing the St. Tropez ads. But the fake tan company will still donate $15 to the charity from each bottle ($75) sold.

There are several red flags here:

Kelly’s discussion of addiction – we’re going to say this from a happy place… isn’t she an actual (recovering) addict?

Her discussions of body image – cheating to look thinner and selling self-esteem in a bottle. Magic.

Her discussion of her weight – One word: greedy. She already lost a lot of weight. Now, by tanning to look even thinner, she’s just making us bloaters feel bad.

This was a guest blog by the wonderful Amy Grindhouse.

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