So you’re a Dancing With The Stars voter. Your actions will decide who makes the Dancing With The Stars final.

You have four remaining dancers. One is Mya, perhaps the best celebrity dancer in the show’s history. One is Donny Osmond, the beloved cultural icon. One is Joanna Krupa, a smouldering bikini model. And one is Kelly Osbourne, who is Kelly Osbourne. You have to eliminate one dancer, effectively stopping them from wriggling around a studio in a barely-there scrap of sequinned spandex the following week.

And you choose to eliminate Joanna Krupa. Dancing With The Stars voters, you confuse us sometimes.

Spoiler alert: Mya wins the Dancing With The Stars final next week. She has to, surely. We’ve looked at this from every angle and it seems clear that Mya – who’s received two sets of perfect scores in the last fortnight – can’t not win Dancing With The Stars. Just look at her competition. Sure, Donny Osmond might be all lovable and toothy and less prone to spontaneously falling over than his sister; and Kelly Osbourne might be, you know, still inexplicably part of Dancing With The Stars, but Mya’s the only actual dancer left.

But what do we know? Nothing, that’s what. If we were in charge of Dancing With The Stars then things would have all been so different. Kelly Osbourne would have been eliminated back in September, and we’d have only booked Aaron Carter as part of an elaborate plan to use springs to fire him through the studio roof and into the lion enclosure of the neighbouring zoo on the first day of rehearsals. And Joanna Krupa definitely wouldn’t have been eliminated from the show last night.

But, alas, she was. Despite possessing everything we like about models (physical attractiveness) and nothing we dislike about models (self-awareness, basic cognitive ability), Joanna Krupa was given the heave-ho from Dancing With The Stars last night, meaning that she’ll miss the grand final. And, boy oh boy, was she angry when she found out. E! Online reports:

“It’s been such an amazing experience and I’ve grown as a person,” the 30-year-old model said after hearing the disappointing news. “Thank you to the judges. Thank you for giving me the opportunity. I had a great partner.”

Yeah, that’s right Joanna! You tell those bastards!

But while Joanna Krupa has been forced to hand in her glittery unitard and go back to a life of wearing bikinis, swathing herself in goose fat and pulling sexy faces that make it look as if she’s trying to work out a particularly difficult Sudoku puzzle, the rest of us get to look forward to next week’s Dancing With The Stars final. Who’s going to win?

Well, Mya, obviously. We said as much a few paragraphs ago. Seriously, you people have terrible memories.

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Admit it – for a moment there you were worried that Aaron Carter was going to win Dancing With The Stars.

It’s OK, we were worried too. Just the thought of renewed public validation of Aaron Carter filled us with absolute dread. What if he was allowed to bring back his reality TV show House Of Carters? What if he got to re-release his album Aaron’s Party (Come Get It)? What if he was driven so berserk by renewed fame that he started legally emancipating his parents again?

Well, relax. Aaron Carter was kicked off Dancing With The Stars last night. We’re in the clear.

We’re one week closer to discovering the winner of Dancing With The Stars. Actually, we take that back. We’re one week closer to discovering that Mya has won Dancing With The Stars. Because, goodness, it’ll be a sad day if any of the others beat her. Especially if it’s Kelly Osbourne. If we were Mya, and Kelly Osbourne was deemed to be a better dancer than us before an audience of millions, we’d go away and shatter our shins with a clawhammer. Just saying.

But we’ve got that to look forward to. At least we know for sure that Aaron Carter definitely won’t beat Mya at Dancing With The Stars, because he was booted off the show last night. Poor Aaron, he’s provided us with so much entertainment over the years – by taking all the drugs, embarking on the world’s most disastrous engagement, having it off with Lindsay Lohan and generally being so obnoxious that even Hulk Hogan’s family, the most obnoxious family in all of mankind, picked up on it – but he’ll just have to live with the fact that he isn’t as good at dancing as Kelly Osbourne. AP reports:

Carter cried early in the competition after harsh remarks from the judges… Head judge Len Goodman praised the young singer for his dedication. “You’re an inspiration to all young people that anything is possible,” Goodman said. “If you were my son, I would be so proud of you.”

And you know what? We’d be proud of Aaron Carter if he was our son, too. True, we’d have immediately crushed our testicles between two breezeblocks the instant he was born to prevent us ever repeating the atrocity, but if he ended up coming fifth in a televised dancing contest then we might be slightly proud of him. Fleetingly.

But at least Dancing With The Stars protected Aaron Carter from the magnitude of his failure this week. He may have come last, but at least they booked Susan Boyle and Michael Buble as musical guests to ensure that he wasn’t the very worst thing on the show. Although, based on this formula, to make Kelly Osbourne look good on the week she’s eliminated they’ll need to feature vocal performances by Josef Fritzl and Mumm-Ra The Everliving. Or something.

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Last night, Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos were eliminated from Dancing With The Stars.

We’ll just give you a minute to Google Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos so you know who they are, and then we’ll continue. Ready? OK, Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos, who are… no, wait, it’s gone. We’ll just Google their names again. Hang on. Oh, one’s an American footballer and the other’s the Iron Chef guy.

Anyway, the footballer and the Iron Chef guy – whose names we have already forgotten – were kicked off Dancing With The Stars last night. That’s basically the gist, more or less.

OK, hands up – when we announced the participants in this season of Dancing With The Stars, who honestly thought that Kelly Osbourne or Aaron Carter would make the final five? That’s right – none of you. And who could blame you? After all, logic dictates that Kelly Osbourne should have clumsily tripped over and snapped one of her femurs off in the middle of an Argentine Tango by now. And, honestly, the thought of people actually paying to endorse Aaron Carter in any pursuit whatsoever genuinely makes us hate the world a little bit.

But there they are. This year’s batch of Dancing With The Stars contestants has been whittled down to five, and both Kelly Osbourne and Aaron Carter are there. From this, we can only draw one conclusion – that everyone else on this season of Dancing With The Stars has been completely bloody awful. That’s right, Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos, we’re looking at you.

Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos became the latest contestants to be eliminated from Dancing With The Stars last night – Dacascos left because he lost a tense dance-off with Carter, and Irvin left because he’s so overwhelmingly atrocious at dancing that even the sight of him in his stupid spangly vest tops made most normal people instantly develop an irrational fear of dance. Anyway, AP reports:

Irwin finished his run on the hit ABC show with his highest score of the season. “Last night was a great night, and to see the audience here standing up, it’s their way of saying they appreciate the hard work,” Irwin said after learning his fate… Dacascos said being on the show was “one of the greatest experiences of my life.”

So with Michael Irvin and Mark Dacascos no longer in action, that just leaves Kelly Osbourne, Aaron Carter, Mya, Donny Osmond and Joanna Krupa in the running to win Dancing With The Stars. Only one can win. Only one will be remembered as the true Dancing With The Stars champion.

Actually, that’s a lot of rubbish. The winner might be remembered as the true Dancing With The Stars champion, but only for about five minutes. After that the show will cobble together another bunch of contestants – who will be very slightly less famous than this lot – for next spring and everyone from this season will be completely forgotten about. Even so, it can’t be Aaron Carter, can it? Can it?

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Oh Natalie Coughlin, we hardly knew you. No, literally, we’re still not completely sure who you are.

And now you’re gone. Last night Natalie Coughlin became the latest celebrity to be voted off Dancing With The Stars, after a nail-biting dance-off with Aaron Carter. So in many ways she’s lucky that she only went home, because we’ve always been of the understanding that anybody who is worse than Aaron Carter at anything at all should be smacked on the head and thrown to the lions.

In other Dancing With The Stars news, Kelly Osbourne hasn’t been eliminated yet. We know! Weird!

Here’s a theory: if Dancing With The Stars was called Swimming Without The Stars, Natalie Coughlin would have at least reached the quarter finals. This theory is based on two unequivocal facts - 1) Natalie Coughlin is a swimmer and not a dancer, and 2) Natalie Coughlin couldn’t be any less famous if she tried.

But what’s the point of wallowing in all these hopeless what-ifs? The fact of the matter is that Natalie Coughlin was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars last night, and there’s nothing that anybody could have done about it. Apart from, you know, picking up the telephone and voting for her. But who’d do that? The woman was rubbish.

Actually, no, that’s unfair. Natalie Coughlin wasn’t a rubbish dancer at all. In fact, you could argue that she was one of the best dancers in the entire competition. So instead let’s just say that she was voted off Dancing With The Stars because she’s inherently unlikeable as a human being and she wouldn’t know what a personality was if you smacked her on the arse with it. Yes, that seems fair. Access Hollywood reports:

Natalie blamed the ousting on having not revealed enough enthusiasm for the show. “I love this so much and I guess I didn’t show it — how much I loved it — but I really did and I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m very disappointed,” [judge] Carrie Ann said. “Audience! Vote people! You’ve always had this incredible ability to mix strength and flexibility as well as fluidity, which is very unique.”

Although she’s probably quite upset at her comparatively early exit from Dancing With The Stars, Natalie Coughlin should look on the bright side – at least she did better than that old man and the woman from Entourage and Elizabeth Taylor’s friend and that terrifying cagefighter chap. On the other hand, though, she hasn’t done as well as Kelly Osbourne or Sabrina The Teenage Witch or Aaron Carter, and the only sensible reaction to that is to go home and enter into a depressive cycle of morbid alcoholism and self-harm.

So, you know, it’s swings and roundabouts.

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Dancing With The Stars is obviously getting tougher – it can afford to lose Chuck Liddell this early.

Chuck Liddell was ace. Don’t believe us? Fine, show us a better Dancing With The Stars contestant who rolls around inside a cage in his pants for a living and whose surname sounds a little bit like the name of a German discount supermarket. What’s that? You can’t? We rest our case.

Still, it doesn’t matter. Chuck Liddell has been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars anyway. It’s bittersweet news – it’s sad because Chuck Liddell had so much potential, but at least Dancing With The Stars is one week closer to ending now.

We hate to say it, but Dancing With The Stars hasn’t been living up to its full potential this year. You’ll remember that last year Dancing With The Stars was a flurry of stalking and horrific-sounding diseases and, in Cloris Leachman, the world’s oldest woman.

But this year? So far the highlight has either been an old man hurting his foot or the sight of Kelly Osbourne stumbling around out of time. That’s hardly an exclusive, is it? If we wanted to see Kelly Osbourne being disappointing so badly we could have just bought tickets to see her in Chicago or watched one of her music videos on YouTube or something.

And now we’re sad to report that Dancing With The Stars has lost another reason to watch. Last night Ultimate Fighting champion Chuck Liddell was kicked off the show, disappointing all four people in the minuscule subcategory of Ultimate Fighting fans who also like ballroom dancing, and dashing the hopes of anyone who desperately wanted to see Chuck Liddell suffer some sort of awful hallucinatory flashback mid-dance and start attacking people in the studio audience like a cross between Rambo and history’s angriest bear. But anyway, AP reports:

“It’s hard to do,” he said. “I made a shot at it.” … “You not so much danced but raided the two-step,” judge Bruno Tonioli said. “You bring carnage and mayhem to everything you do.” … Though the couple never topped a score of 19, Trebunskaya said Liddell made her proud each week.”You are my bear and you are my hippo,” she said. “I loved working with you.”

Never mind, Chuck Liddell. It was brave of you to try your hand at a show like Dancing With The Stars, even though your journey ended in failure. And besides, we’ve seen The Wrestler so we know that the rest of your life will be a resounding success – especially the part where you deliberately chop your hand open with a deli meat slicer. Boy oh boy, you’re going to do that better than anyone.

So now that Chuck Liddell has gone, who’ll be the next to leave Dancing With The Stars? Will it Macy Gray? Sabrina The Teenage Witch? Kelly Osbourne? Everyone, because the head of ABC will wake up one morning, think “Oh, what’s the point?” and deliberately burn down the Dancing With The Stars studio?

Yes, the last one please.

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Celebrities leave Dancing With The Stars for many reasons – because they’re injured, because they’re crap dancers.

And then there’s Tom DeLay. Tom DeLay is both. However, on last night’s Dancing With The Stars Tom DeLay was offed by injury, probably right before he could be offed by the fact that he dances like a peculiarly asthmatic sack that’s been filled with a bunch of lethargic kittens.

But Tom DeLay wasn’t the only celebrity to leave Dancing With The Stars last night. Debi Mazar was also eliminated, and once we’ve looked up her name on Wikipedia we’ll tell you exactly who she is.

Dancing With The Stars looks easy, doesn’t it? All you need to do is wriggle yourself into a succession of fairly absurd spangly hotpants and flap around with more self-control than Kelly Osbourne. And anyone could do that, right? You don’t even really need to be a star to appear on Dancing With The Stars, as proved by every single person who’s ever appeared on Dancing With The Stars ever.

But maybe, just maybe, Dancing With The Stars is a little harder than it looks. Maybe if you’re a slightly overweight 62-year-old politician whose career has become mired in a series of grubby money laundering accusations and you decided to do the show because you value material wealth over personal dignity, then Dancing With The Stars could pose a genuine threat to your health. Which certainly seems to be the case with Tom DeLay, who a) is all of those things and b) left Dancing With The Stars last night because he hurt his feet a bit. Newsday reports:

Twinkle-toes Tom is gone. And not a moment too soon – or so said his feet, both suffering from stress fractures. What a run… It was all very unusual. But fun, bizarrely so. Said DeLay, “Last night [my] feet were saying, ‘What did you do?’” Samantha Harris then asked, Will you continue? “No, I won’t. You can’t proceed if you can’t practice [or] you make a fool of yourself out there.”

So it’s farewell to Tom DeLay. We’re sad that we’ll never be able to see you gingerly grimace your way through another rudimentary routine that you’re clearly not physically equipped to participate in. However, Tom DeLay wasn’t the only contestant to leave Dancing With The Stars. Debi Mazar – who about six of you might recognise as the woman who occasionally shouts into a telephone for three seconds at a time once or twice during every other season of Entourage – was also sent packing. Not because she’d broken her feet, though. Because she was rubbish.

Now that Tom DeLay and Debi Mazar – plus whoever left the show last week – are no longer taking part in Dancing With The Stars, it’s really opened up the competition for the remaining contestants. After all, now we can really say that the chaff’s been removed from the, um, slightly larger pile of chaff. There’s a lot of chaff, that’s the point. There’s chaff everywhere.

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Getting Kelly Osbourne on Dancing With The Stars this year was nothing short of a masterstroke. We mean that.

Someone wins whatever happens. If Kelly Osbourne goes on to win Dancing With The Stars, it’ll be an epic display of triumph over adversity. And if Kelly Osbourne does terribly at Dancing With The Stars, clattering around the dancefloor week after week like some kind of epileptic Weeble until the judges do the decent thing and shoot her like a knackered racehorse, then it’ll be exactly what everyone expected.

Last night Kelly Osbourne did the latter. Which works out best for us, really.

When we announced this year’s Dancing With The Stars line-up back in August, we never really expected it happen. It was just too odd, even for Dancing With The Stars – a show that has previously given over periods primetime television to showcase the balletic abilities of Steve Guttenberg and the one from Jackass who’s recently spent the most amount of time inside a mental hospital.

This year, though, was different. This year Dancing With The Stars picked a roster of contestants so mind-boggling that watching it promised to be the television equivalent of gulping down three pints of toilet bleach and then puking into a kaleidoscope while 15 different off-key music boxes play the Grange Hill theme-tune backwards to a squadron of cackling three-year-old identical twins. Aaron Carter’s there. Macy Gray is there. Former United States House of Representatives majority leader Tom DeLay is there. And so is Kelly Osbourne.

Here’s the most unsettling thing, though – on last week’s Dancing With The Stars, Kelly Osbourne was actually quite good. Whether that’s because she actually demonstrated a decent level of competency in her routine, or whether it was because everyone had such a staggeringly low opinion of her that just the sight of her deliberately moving around without crying or punching anyone was a pleasant surprise is anyone’s guess. But the point was this – Kelly Osbourne looked like she could win Dancing With The Stars.

And then she came out last night and effed everything up. E! Online reports:

Sadly, the belle of last week’s ball landed with a bit of a thud tonight, repeatedly flubbing the steps of her tango, giggling nervously each time, and not bothering to mask her disappointment when the dance ended and, instead of holding the final pose for emphasis, she popped right out of it and apologized to her partner.

That sound you hear? That’s the universe righting itself. For a minute there we were worried – if Kelly Osbourne succeeded at Dancing With The Stars, then anything could happen. Ozzy Osbourne might suddenly become lucid. Jack Osbourne might suddenly develop a point. God, Sharon Osbourne might even start talking in a voice that doesn’t make her sound like a furious tiny witch trapped in the bottom of a well. Thank heavens it was just a momentary blip.

Not that we’re suggesting that Kelly Osbourne should leave Dancing With The Stars, of course – because at the rate she’s going it’s only a matter of time before one of her legs shears off and she somehow impales herself on her own jagged femur. And that’d definitely be worth watching.

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Dancing With The Stars is easily the best show on television. No, wait, not best – we meant least accurately titled.

It’s true. None of the words correlate. For one, the Dancing With The Stars contestants aren’t actually stars, let alone the definitive star collection that the titular use of the word ‘The’ suggests. Second, their graceless plodding technically isn’t dancing. Third, we’re not dancing with anyone – we’re just watching. Really it should be called Looking At Some People You Vaguely Recognise Clump Around A Bit.

Anyway, Dancing With The Stars is back. Who’s in it? Find out after the jump.

OK, no messing around. Dancing With The Stars returns for a new season starts on September 21. Can this new season surpass the mighty last season of Dancing With The Stars, which was won by a girl who looked about four, had a boy’s name and was in possession of one of the world’s creepiest stalkers?

No. No, obviously it can’t. Because that was awesome. Nevertheless, the new Dancing With The Stars contestants have been revealed – and they are…

Mya – No, not MIA. Mya. Oh, come on, you remember Mya – she performed on that Lady Marmalade song. No, she’s not Pink. Or Christina Aguilera. Or Missy Elliott. Or Lil’ Kim. The other one. Yes, there was another one. It was news to us too.

Melissa Joan Hart – It’s Sabrina The Teenage Witch! Fun fact: Melissa Joan Hart is 33 years old, which is weird because she looked about 40 in the last couple of Sabrina years. Either Melissa Joan Hart is lying about her age or she’s got awful genes.

Michael Irvin – Former Dallas cowboy. That doesn’t mean that he used to be a professional footballer – it means he used to ride around modern-day Dallas on a horse, getting into bar fights and shooting prostitutes. Legal note: Michael Irvin may not have literally shot a prostitute.

Ashley Hamilton - Ashley’s Dancing With The Stars profile describes him as an ‘actor, comedian, singer-songwriter’ which, just in case you didn’t know, is Hollywood code for ‘his dad is George Hamilton so he’s allowed to witlessly blunder through as many cack-headed half-thought-out careers as he likes because he’ll be minted as soon as the old man snuffs it’.

Aaron Carter - World’s most annoying three-year-old boy.

Kathy Ireland – Kathy Ireland used to be a model, so expect her to progress 75% of the way through Dancing With The Stars until it’s no longer feasible for the public to keep her in just because she’s a bit milfy.

Debi Mazar - Occasionally appears in four-second scenes on some episodes of Entourage. And that’s literally it.

Natalie Coughlin – This year’s Dancing With The Stars winner, on the basis that she’s an athlete and that’s how it works.

Louie Vito – Louis Vito is a professional snowboarder and not, as his name suggests, a character from The Sopranos. Could have fooled us.

Chuck Liddell - Hoping to bring his extensive Ultimate Fighting expertise to Dancing With The Stars. Our prediction? He’ll stub his toe after a fortnight in and cry off sick, the GREAT BIG GIRL.

Donny Osmond – Most famous, of course, for appearing on I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here with a fire-eyed bear who spoke in the lifeless voice of a thousand children and stank of table seasoning. This is true.

Tom DeLay - This year’s obligatory Hilarious Old Man Who Doesn’t Understand That Dancing With The Stars Will Destroy Whatever Meagre Credibility He’s Spent His Entire Life Trying To Scrape Together.

Macy Gray - The biggest problem that Macy Gray faces isn’t basic coordination – it’s building the strength in her neck to support her giant building-sized Easter Island head for the entire duration of a routine.

Joanna Krupa – Not a clue. Sorry. We can’t even be bothered to Google this one.

Mark Dacascos - From Iron Chef, which has always annoyed us because it makes out that being an iron chef is good, when actually iron’s capacity for heat conduction is so high that it’s actually probably quite a dangerous thing to be. Silica Chef, that’s the thing to be.

Kelly Osbourne – Wet-mouthed rehab bunny who’s taking on part of the great global Osbourne dancing reality show takeover of 2009, with Sharon Osbourne rumoured to be appearing on Strictly Come Dancing and Ozzy Osbourne planning to jig about under a CCTV camera in a car park in Thurrock for 25 seconds.

Exciting, huh? Huh? Anyone? Hello? Oh come back you gigantic sods.

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Wait, what? This isn’t a story about Lindsay Lohan? This is actually a story about Kelly Osbourne? But the arrest-inspired rehab visit is Lindsay Lohan’s idea! Why is Kelly Osbourne trying to copy Lindsay Lohan so much? What else of Lindsay’s is Kelly going to copy? Her halfhearted music career? Good christ, she’s even done that! What’s wrong with the girl?

Basically, Kelly Osbourne has checked into rehab for the next 30 days. We didn’t know pastry could be so addictive.

As a radio agony aunt, Kelly Osbourne holds the key to all kinds of different – yet equally universal – problems. For instance, we’ve all been in the situation where a national newspaper has printed a story claiming that a loved one doesn’t know what an earthquake is – that’s just a normal part of growing up. But what should you do in that scenario?

Kelly Osbourne knows – she thinks you should march up to the journalist who wrote the story and thump them in the face in front of several people until you’re arrested. It seems to work quite well, but only if you’re under the influence or drugs or drink or ‘personal problems’ or whatever the hell is up with Kelly Osbourne at the moment.

You see, just days after her arrest Kelly Osbourne has decided to check into a rehab facility. Which would normally be a fairly responsible thing to so, except Kelly didn’t think it through – by going into rehab, Kelly’s left Sharon Osbourne to talk on her behalf, and that’s never a good idea. Sharon told RadarOnline:

“Yeah, Kelly’s in rehab. What else can we say? She knew that it was the right thing to do at this point, and we’re proud that she did it. The family is all standing behind her. Kelly knew that she needed help and she’s getting it. … We just pray that everything’s going to be okay… This is one of the absolute worst things a parent can face, for their child to go through rehab.”

But what could have caused this horrible downward spiral that led to Kelly Osbourne going to rehab? It’s hard to say. But, as Sharon Osbourne said, this isn’t the first time that she’s been to rehab. The first time came while Kelly was filming the TV show The Osbournes with her entire family almost five years ago. And now it’s happened again, just as Kelly was starting to film the new TV show The Osbournes Reloaded with her entire family.

No, we can’t see the connection either.

Going to rehab will be a shocking wake-up call for Kelly Osbourne – even if we read the visual clues and decide that she’s probably hooked on the contents of Morrison’s bakery aisle, breaking an addiction can be hard. We just pray that it jolts the rest of the Osbourne family into looking at their own problems, too.

Primarily Jack Osbourne. He’s been hanging out with Craig David far too much lately. There’s only so much Craig David that normal human beings can take before they lose their minds forever. We’re worried for the boy.

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Oh, alright, alleged lunatics. Just a couple of weeks after Sharon Osbourne apparently attacked a bikini model after hearing a slur about Ozzy, Kelly Osbourne has been arrested for assault after allegedly slapping a journalist who insinuated that her boyfriend didn’t know what an earthquake was.

If you ask us, Jack Osbourne must be feeling left out. Maybe if we make up a good enough lie we’ll be able to goad him into punching a nun unconscious or something.

Kelly Osbourne has always been the member of the Osbourne family who we’d least like to get into a fight with. Ozzy, obviously, would be a pushover. Sharon’s main line of attack is traditionally the liquid fling, which we’d be able to counter with the aid of, say, an umbrella or a cagoule or whatever. Jack Osbourne has climbed mountains with Craig David without ever pushing him off, so we doubt we could even make him angry enough to initiate us in a fight anyway.

But Kelly Osbourne? Different story. Kelly Osbourne not only has the heft to make mincemeat of us, but she also looks the kind of girl who’d cry immediately afterwards, and there’s nothing worse than a mixed message when it comes to hypothetical intergender fistfights.

So that’s why we feel sorry for Zoe Griffin from The Mirror, because she apparently found herself on the wrong end of a Kelly Osbourne fury attack last year. According to reports, Kelly took offence at a column claiming that her fiance Luke Worrall didn’t know what an earthquake was and slapped Griffin across the face. We’re not making this up, although to be honest we sort of wish we were.

Anyway, as MTV reports, the police have finally got around to arresting Kelly Osbourne for assault:

Although authorities wouldn’t disclose her name, they released a statement about the incident. “I can confirm that a 24-year-old woman attended a central London police station by appointment at 3 p.m. on January 2 … She was arrested for common assault relating to an alleged incident in Soho in the early hours of 29th August 2008. She was bailed to attend a central London police station on a date in March.”

Why did it take so long to arrest Kelly Osbourne for this incident? We don’t know for sure, but we suspect that officers wanted to make sure that it really was Kelly Osbourne who slapped Zoe Griffin and not someone who just looked a bit like her, like Matt Lucas or a sad Moomin or something.

Anyway, we’re hoping that this mess gets sorted out quickly without anyone resorting to locking Kelly Osbourne up. We hear she can start fires in her sleep, you know.

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If you do, he’ll likely tell you all about how they are a sudden release of energy from deep within the earth, and how they’re caused by plate tectonics. Then, if your experience is anything like ours, the topic of plate tectonics will send him on a Pangea tangent, and he’ll tell you about how the continents are all drifting back together at incredibly slow speeds, and they’re all gonna collide one day causing brand new mountain ranges to pop up all along former coast lines. Oh, also he’ll say something about praying you’re not alive when that time comes.

He even used a laser pointer and a colour-coded slide show. A real pill, we tell ya.

One writer didn’t know earthquakes were the secret passion of Kelly Osbourne’s newest flame. We’re not sure what boyfriend’s name is, and we really can’t be bothered to check. Let’s just call him Big Gay Bruce. Anyway – one author recently said something about Big Gay Bruce not knowing how an earthquake happens.

This, apparently, led to a slap-happy assault on the author by Osbourne herself – with hands flying everywhere! Except not in the plural!

Imagine for a second what it would be like to have Kelly Osbourne’s beefy little hands touch your face. We think such an encounter would leave you smeared in potato chip grease, and we dearly hope it never happen to us. Our border-line complexion simply couldn’t take it.

Zoe Griffin, a writer for The Mirror, is probably still wiping the shiny palm print from her red swollen cheek. She was Osbourne-slapped because she’d written something or other about Kelly’s current boyfriend being confused on the creation of earthquakes. We’ll let her tell Griffin own story:

“…That’s when she spotted me, plonked herself right next to me on a sofa, so close I had to lean away. She began ear-bashing me about two lines in my column when I wrote her model boyfriend [Big Gay Bruce] had to ask friends how an earthquake was caused. It was at that point Kelly shouted loudly in my ear: “I have an issue with you. My boyfriend knows what an earthquake is and everyone has been laughing at him and he’s upset.

“…That’s when I felt a hard slap to my right cheekbone. I put my hand to my face while my friends looked on aghast. I was in a state of shock. Not for long, though. Soon Kelly came rampaging back over with a female friend jabbing a finger in the air, telling me that I’d have to watch my back if I shared my story with readers of this column.”

Watch her back, no doubt, because if she didn’t Ozzy would swoop down from a belfry to eat her throat – and what a drag that would be. Plus, if he got caught eating some woman’s bloody neck he’d totally go to prison – and then what would happen to all the goths whose musical taste has never advanced out of the seventies? They’d all have to go back to Jethro Tull – which would be really good for all the crap we’re trying to sell on eBay.

We’ve got six copies of ‘Thick As A Brick’ in mint condition and available at rock bottom prices. Cheaper than anything the Osbourne’s were selling anyway.

Mention this article and we’ll throw in a can opener.