What did you do this weekend? Have a slow meander into town to revel at how low humanity has sunk, judging the entire human race by how many overweight teenage girls girls a) have stupid thick rimmed glasses with no lenses or b) wear pink hoodies with the precise date of when they got a DM over Twitter from Justin Bieber (or whoever is running his account while he’s giving Selena Gomez some southern loving and looking at himself in the mirror) there are?
Or maybe you spent the entire weekend watching Whitney Houston’s funeral off your face on MDMA, convinced that members of the choir looked like extras from Sister Act? Well either way, you’ve probably had a better time than Kelly Osbourne who’s had to face off attacks from the newest nation soon to join the United Nations; Lady Gaga’s Little Monsters.
And it all stems from people not knowing how to deal with someone else’s opinion. Which seems to be a recurring theme in the busy life of Kelly Osbourne doesn’t it? After all, doesn’t God say “Let she that used to go out with a transvestite lover, cast aspersions that Christina Aguilera is a fat bitch.” [excerpt from the MTV Almost Right, Thanks For Trying Bible].
Turns out that at the Grammys last weekend, Lady Gaga had refused to walk down the red carpet and get her photo taken by Mr Paparazzi, or whichever cock he’s cloned from his pink Mohican this week and Kelly had objected to this, saying that it was “disrespectful.”
Not to her friends, in the privacy of her massive LA mansion, or even to herself with a smile and a shake of the head before getting thin/pouring herself into a new outfit (delete as appropriate).
No, Kosbourne told anyone who watches the US TV show ‘Fashion Police’ – E! Sunday’s at 6:30pm. Which is a bit of a ballsy move, knowing that there’s branches of the Gagarmy monitoring all forms of media just in case someone mentions her. Even now there’s red lights flashing all over a pubescent homosexuals bedroom with the exact coordinates of the hecklerspray bedsit.
To be fair, all Kelly had said was:
“Being part of the music industry is walking the red carpet. You say hello to your fans and you give back to those reporters and those people who supported you. And when you go to an awards show and you don’t walk the red carpet, I find that disrespectful.”
And Kelly knows all about being in the music business doesn’t she? She’s had a long and illustrious career spinning around on two thrones while singing an uncomfortable song about going through changes with her dad, Bat Enthusiast Ozzy Osbourne. Would she ever refuse to do something as menial as walking down the red carpet? Of course not. Kelly Osbourne does everything she’s told.
Regardless, Lady Gaga’s fans threw a right strop and started bombarding her with angry tweets saying that she’s fat and ugly, that they hoped she would be getting raped or just generally dying. Which is a little extreme.
One of our favourites is from @stevoo1990 who illustriously says
“FUCK YOU . FAT MOOMIN BITCH!! talentless scum who do you think you a having a go at xtina and gaga. Go fuck yourself big chin”
The Little Monsters are clearly barking up the wrong tree. Do they really want to mess with a woman who’s mother frequently sends turds in a Tiffany box to people who have irked her? What does Mother Monster do? Farts genially under a duvet knowing that her baying fans would happily boff it and claim that they were the chosen one, even though we’ve all smelled someone fart by accident? It’s totally blasé and completely ordinary. Entirely what Lady Gaga is.
But like Frankie Goes To Hollywood says “when two tribes go to war, a point is all that you can score.” So take that Little Monsters.