You’re on the Edge of Glory. You are Lady Gaga, the world’s most fascinating person. (We’ll ignore the millions of people who are getting sick of her childish oneupmanship and really just want her to go away and live in a hovel for a bit.) You’re in Barcelona, and you’re performing to an adoring audience of thousands.
You may be up the duff, too. Why else would Lady Gaga start walking down stairs on stage, stop, and upchuck her dinner? That’s right: you heard it here. I’m calling it: Gaga is preggo.Haters gonna hate and all that, but what other logical reason is there for it? I’m sure she’s not as disgusted by her musical ability as Justin Bieber was when he was driven to vomit on-stage recently.
What do you mean, it could just have been a dodgy serving of paella that caused her to evacuate the contents of her stomach? Nah I’m calling it – she is definitely pregnant. I mean why else would you have all this weird analysis about her ballooning waistline and accusations that she’s fat? She’s got baby weight.
And the sickness? Well, clearly that’s morning sickness.
So what if it happened at night? Have you never heard of jet lag? There is a time difference between Europe and the United States, and one’s body clock doesn’t catch up automatically. Duhhhhhhh. Besides, Lady Gaga’s so avant garde and pushes the boundaries so much that she wouldn’t want to adhere to your stupid conventional times of sickness for pregnant people. She needs to be different. Being sick at night in front of thousands is exactly the sort of boundary-pushing we’re used to from Gaga.
What’s more, she rushed through an appearance at the launch of her perfume in London this weekend. Why? So she could do pregnant stuff like cry manically for no reason and eat pickles covered in Nutella. That’s why.
If you don’t believe me, then fine. Let’s defer to a greater power; a higher knowledge than simply some guy typing words on the internet. Let’s call in Kelly Osbourne. Osbourne is of course known as the second-coming of the heretical soothsayer known in classical mythology, and is a direct descendant of Nostradamus. Her opinion?
I think she is pregnant because she has been covering up this part of her body recently and I have been noticing that a lot. And her style has changed and you can't bleach your hair blonde when you are pregnant.
Who are you to disagree with Kelly Osbourne – really? We now have three irrefutable pieces of evidence, one endorsed by a celebrity. The woman is clearly pregnant. Little Monsters? There’ll soon be a cavalcade of them coming out of her and infecting the world with catchy electro-pop rhythm and questionable public art which really is just a little strange.