Well, the moment finally happened. Just as I could only pretend to like my ex-girlfriend’s mum’s cooking for so long before gagging, so Justin Bieber has finally caved in and his body has involuntarily shown that actually, he is aware that he is melting our minds with vacuous, shitty pop.
It all happened in Glendale, AZ, which I’m almost certain was mentioned in the Bible as the site of the first step towards redemption for humanity. Bieber was performing the usual shit to his fans when suddenly he realised “I can’t go on with this lie anymore. I’ve been hiding my sickness at what I do for so long, but now i’m worn down from living the lie.”And so he did what any human being does when eventually the truth catches up to them: he vomited on stage.
You can see what happens, second-by-second, in his mind. He’s brought down the steps, and is fully confronted with the enormity of the situation. He’s been bringing people down for years now. Young women are being taught a lie – that this man is the descendant of the Beatles and the Beach Boys – that what he does is music.
There’s a tentative step. He suddenly realises the game is up, and Biebersanity can no longer go on. He has a Bieberpocalypse, and a Bieberrethink. Faced with the reality that everything he does, everything he is is a sham, he has two options. He can either literally die, there on stage, and do people a favour, or he can repent and be purged of his sins.
What you see is the literal embodiment of the devil being expelled from within him. He tries to go on with the song initially, but realises that it’s not going to happen. Acutely aware that this sort of thing is parasitic and contagious, he decides not to hurl on the front row of the crowd for fear that someone splattered in his upchuck ends up going home that night, turning on their webcam and becoming a Youtube
waste of space sensation, blighting us with another few years under this too-dark cloud of misery.
And in seconds, the beast is gone. The evil expelled, turned away from the audience (and thousands of Biebermanics definitely Bieberturnedoff), he can live life free from the yoke of this pressure, the life lived under a cloud of otherworldliness and lies.
With that, Bieber can return home to Canada and life a quiet life. He can drink maple syrup tapped directly from the tree. He can say “oot” instead of “out”. He can become plain old Justin, instead of the Biebermachine. And we can all rejoice.
Wait – what?! Milk? Food posioning? You mean…the devil wasn’t purged? We have to put up with Biebermania and a Biebercaust?