When this year’s Dancing With The Stars began, and you looked at all the contestants, who did you think would win?

Nicole Scherzinger. You obviously thought that Nicole Scherzinger would win. That’s partly because Nicole Scherzinger dances on a day to day basis for a living, and partly because the other Dancing With The Stars contestants were either octogenarian astronauts or reality TV stars who’d given birth so many times that they could barely get through a Paso Doble without tripping up on their own saggy vaginas. No, Nicole Scherzinger was always going to win Dancing With The Stars. Always.

And last night Nicole Scherzinger won Dancing With The Stars. Oh, at least try to look surprised.

Well, that’s Dancing With The Stars finished for another year. What an experience it’s been for everyone. We’ve seen Pamela Anderson defy the basic laws of engineering by standing upright and moving around a bit. We’ve seen a brand new side to Kate Gosselin that’s even less likeable to the side we already knew about. We’ve seen Buzz Aldrin dance for money, which is one of the least dignified things you can see a former astronaut do, after having full sex with a scale polystyrene model of the moon.

And we’ve seen Nicole Scherzinger. Nicole Scherzinger’s competition going into last night’s Dancing With The Stars final was figure skater Evan Lysacek in a battle billed as ‘The supreme performer versus the supreme athlete’. That seems to be overdoing it a little, because it’s based on the presumption that figure skaters are athletes and not just jumped-up dancers, and that girls who basically just waggle their boobs and arses around for a living count as performers. But anyway, Nicole Scherzinger and her partner Derek Hough won. Did we mention that? Reuters reports:

When host Tom Bergeron announced Scherzinger was the winner, she seemed genuinely surprised, jumping up and down and screaming and hugging Hough. She blew a kiss to her rival Lysacek and his partner Anna Trebunskaya, and he graciously accepted second place saying he was “totally satisfied with everything we gave.”

So congratulations to Nicole Scherzinger. Winning Dancing With The Stars is bound to be a giant career boost for her – just look what it did to former Dancing With The Stars winners like… um… oh, actually, never mind.

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The calibre of this year’s Dancing With The Stars is so high that we’ve barely mentioned Pamela Anderson.

Kate Gosselin? Yes. Buzz Aldrin? Yes. That reality show pilot idiot who got kicked off last week and doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page? Yes. But not Pamela Anderson. This is either because Dancing With The Stars can afford to book stars big enough to can eclipse Pamela Anderson, or it’s because Pamela Anderson isn’t very famous any more and we don’t particularly like to dwell on the image of her dancing – an image of a bright orange warped Lionel Richie Hello-style sculpture of 1990s Pamela Anderson being dragged around the stage by an alcoholic self-loathing puppeteer.

But anyway, it’s all too late. Last night Pamela Anderson left Dancing With The Stars for not being That Girl From The Pussycat Dolls Who’s Obviously Going To Win Dancing With The Stars. Basically.

If this was the early to mid 1990s, then this would have absolutely been the best season of Dancing With The Stars ever. It would have featured world-famous Beverly Hills 90210 starlet Shannen Doherty, sprightly and mobile former astronaut Buzz Aldrin, optimistic schoolgirl and mother of none Kate Gosselin and Pamela Anderson, the sexiest and most famous woman on the face of the planet.

But it isn’t the early to mid 1990s, which is why this year’s Dancing With The Stars has featured washed-up hasbeen Shannen Doherty, ancient and decrepit former astronaut Buzz Aldrin, motherhood-soured reality TV divorcee Kate Gosselin and Pamela Anderson, a woman who now looks so ropey that Tiger Woods would probably think twice before sleeping with her.

However, just because she’s transformed from a woman who looks like she’d give you a handjob on a private plane into a woman who looks like she’d give you a handjob on the back seat of your 1998 Ford Fiesta and then charge you for it, Pamela Anderson still gave it all she had on Dancing With The Stars. She may have been eliminated last night, but she still managed to beat everyone else, bar the Pussycat Doll, two professional athletes and the host of an interior design show that nobody has ever heard of. And she was sort of gracious in defeat, as AP reports:

“This has been one of the best experiences of my life — and that says a lot. I’ve had a lot of good experiences,” Anderson said after learning her fate. “I love everybody here,” she said. Anderson said that learning to dance allowed her to focus in a way she hadn’t before. “I’m really proud of the effort I’ve put into it. I’ve never been able to apply myself in this kind of way. This is a dream come true.”

So there we have it – appearing on Dancing With The Stars was one of the best experiences of Pamela Anderson’s life. That means it’s official – Dancing With The Stars is now better than the TV show Stripperella and giving a man a blowjob on a boat. Maybe that should be the show’s motto next year.

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OK gang, the joke’s over. You’ve kicked Kate Gosselin off Dancing With The Stars, so you can stop now.

Everyone else can win. The moment we were all looking forward to – the moment when Kate Gosselin was reminded of what a catastrophic failure she was in front of the whole world – has been and gone. There’s really no need for Dancing With The Stars to carry on any more, is there? Just declare that everyone still in the competition is a winner and draw a dignified end to it. Nobody will care. Nobody will probably even realise.

No? You’re going to keep making new episodes of Dancing With The Stars? You’re going to carry on with this hollow charade, even if it means eliminating Jake Pavelka? Even though nobody actually knows who Jake Pavelka is? Oh, you’re a cruel one, Dancing With The Stars.

Jake Pavelka has a lot to be proud of this morning. He should be proud of the fact that that he took on a new challenge with Dancing With The Stars, and was moderately successful at it. He should be proud of the fact that he was deemed to be better than Dancing With The Stars contestants like Shannen Doherty and Buzz Aldrin and Kate Gosselin and some other bloke we’ve never heard of. And he should be proud of the fact that, thanks to Dancing With The Stars, his profile has never been higher.

Obviously Jake Pavelka could also realise that a) his new challenge involved wearing a spandex blouse and flailing about like a burning matador week after week, b) beating a woman who hasn’t been famous since 1992, an old man and the most hated woman in America isn’t much of an achievement and c) even though his profile has never been higher, nobody still knows who he is. But let’s give Jake Pavelka his moment of glory anyway. It’s not like we’ll remember it tomorrow, is it?

Anyway, Jake Pavelka used to be a pilot before becoming the star of the 14th season of The Bachelor, so he should know a thing or two about bravery and stoicism. So when he was voted off Dancing With The Stars last night, he obviously took it like a man. Like a big, manly man. Didn’t he, Access Hollywood?

“This is a lot harder than I thought it was gonna be to say goodbye,” Jake said  as he began to get choked up. “I consider the judges, the cast, the crew — family… Thank you so much Chelsie, you’re one of my best friends,” he said, pausing as tears welled up in his eyes. “I have loved every second of this. I love you. Thank you for being so great to my beautiful fiancee, Vienna. Thank you everybody for watching and keeping me in.”

That’ll be a no, then. Still, we shouldn’t trample on his touching moment on the spotlight. Congratulations Jake Pavlova, or Jake Parraca or Jack Pavella or whatever it is your name was. We’ve forgotten it already.

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If the sun is shining a little brighter today, it’s because Kate Gosselin has left Dancing With The Stars.

That’s scientific fact. And if the air smells a little fresher today, it’s because Kate Gosselin has left Dancing With The Stars. And if you happen to see groups of strangers jigging around in circles with wide-eyed joy, it’s because Kate Gosselin has left Dancing With The Stars. She was the worst dancer, she was the least personable dancer and there’s a slight possibility that she was the dancer with the largest amount of hungry, emotionally-abandoned children at home, but – finally – Kate Gosselin was voted off Dancing With The Stars last night.

Now the bad news. If the clouds are looming a little more threateningly in the sky today, it’s because Kate Gosselin will be back on TV soon. Sorry.

Dear America: thank you. It may have taken you an obscenely long time to work out – so long that you used the second bloody man ever to walk on the actual moon as collateral – but you’ve finally got it together for long enough to remove Kate Gosselin from Dancing With The Stars.

You may have thought that you were simply voting Kate Gosselin off because of how she danced. For weeks now she’s been the lowest-scoring celebrity thanks to her ability to turn every dance into a mime of a transvestite with a back injury trying to stomp hundreds of cockroaches to death, but she always hung in there – possibly because she had the support of other single mothers, or possibly because she had the support of other people with genuinely woeful haircuts – until now.

But you weren’t just voting Kate Gosselin off Dancing With The Stars because of her lack of ability. You were voting Kate Gosselin off Dancing With The Stars because of all the fights she had with her training partner, because none of the other professional judges or dancers liked her, because you knew that voting Kate Gosselin off Dancing With The Stars would also vote Jon Gosselin’s embarrassingly attention-seeking lawsuit off, because you realise that a second without Kate Gosselin on TV is like a lifetime spent in heaven, because you love life.

But before she left Dancing With The Stars last night, a tearful Kate Gosselin had this to say to the viewers who had supported her this far:

“Thank you for believing in me, probably more than I believed in myself.”

Listen, we know what’s coming next. There’ll be a big splashy ‘Kate Reunites With Her Children’ spread in one of the magazines, then there’ll be a few months where we don’t hear much from Kate Gosselin. And then, thanking the Dancing With The Stars voters for making her believe in herself once again, she’ll come back with a new reality show that requires her to be even more shrewish and power-crazed than ever.

And that’s when we’re going to start chasing Dancing With The Stars voters with sticks. Consider this a head-start.

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This has been the most impressive Dancing With The Stars roster yet – there’s an astronaut there, for crying out loud.

And a booby model. And, um, about four people we’ve never heard of. But still, Dancing With The Stars has plenty going for it. And yet the only thing that anyone can talk about is Kate Gosselin. They talk about how awful she is at dancing, about how much everyone who works on Dancing With The Stars hates her, about her constant blind self-centred stupidity and about the extent to which she must be neglecting her children to take part in the show.

Yesterday, a celebrity was eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. And it wasn’t Kate Gosselin. Honestly, you people are idiots.

Kate Gosselin went into Dancing With The Stars as one of the most hated women in America, probably because she thought that he’d undergo a Heather Mills-style public rehabilitation by taking part. That hasn’t exactly happened, though – what’s happened is that Jon Gosselin has decided to use the appearance to petition for full custody of their children, claiming that Kate has effectively abandoned them in pursuit of fame.

What’s also happened is that Kate Gosselin has had a series of frequent run-ins with her dance partner, other professional dancers on the show have expressed their distaste for her, the Dancing With The Stars judges have used other media appearances as an excuse to point out exactly why she’s so awful and – if anything – Kate Gosselin has transformed from one of the most hated women in America to The Single Most Hated Woman In The History Of The Entire Universe. And, because of this, Dancing With The Stars finally chose to eliminate Kate Gosselin.

Except it didn’t. For some bewildering reason, Kate Gosselin is still there. In fact, Dancing With The Stars chose to eliminate Aiden Turner – who, given that he’s the star of a soap we’ve never seen, is primarily famous for being Not Kate Gosselin – instead. Here’s how ABC News reported the elimination:

Turner likely suffered from lack of name recognition by audiences of the dance show… Left to dance another night was reality TV star Kate Gosselin, despite having Monday’s lowest score of 32 out of a possible 60. Gosselin, who with her ex-husband were in “John and Kate Plus 8,” enjoys an ardent set of fans on the show.

Oh, OK, that explains everything. Kate Gosselin is still on Dancing With The Stars because she’s more famous than the contestants who have already been eliminated. Like Shannen Doherty, who was once on a TV show about 20 years ago; and Buzz Aldrin, who effortlessly demonstrated the breathtaking scale and scope of humanity’s achievements by becoming the second man in history to set foot on the surface of the moon or some old boring crap like that.

Kate Gosselin’s much for famous than that old idiot. Well done for recognising this, America.

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Great work, Kate Gosselin – your plan to appear on Dancing With The Stars and rehabilitate your image is going great guns.

Let’s have a recap. Kate Gosselin’s Dancing With The Stars partner hates her. The Dancing With The Stars judges hate her. The majority of the Dancing With The Stars viewers hate her. And Jon Gosselin… well obviously Jon Gosselin hates Kate Gosselin, but now he hates her enough to sue her for full custody of their children.

According to Jon Gosselin, by appearing on Dancing With The Stars Kate Gosselin has made herself an absentee parent and can’t care for the kids as well as he could – even though he’s now a professional layabout who lives in a two-bedroom apartment. Maybe they can reach a compromise and give custody of the children to a better-equipped third-party, like a rabid bear or the Stanley Tucci character from The Lovely Bones or something.

Now, look. We know this seems like a terrible news story. It’s about the Gosselins – the two reality show idiots who got famous by having a stupidly amount of children and now refuse to go away – and specifically it’s how their petty, needling behaviour towards each other is coming at the obvious detriment to the emotional stability of their children. We know that.

But let’s look at this in the long term. What’s happening at the moment is that Jon Gosselin is annoyed about Kate Gosselin’s continued appearance on Dancing With The Stars. The children live with Kate Gosselin, you see, but Jon Gosselin thinks that her current dedication to flapping about like a loose wound in a slash of sequined spandex on a TV show once a week means that she’s not committing enough time to their welfare. And that’s why he’s petitioning a court for full custody of them. UsMagazine reports:

An attorney for Jon plans to file an emergency petition this week in Berks County, Penn., for primary physical custody of his eight children with ex-wife Kate. The reality dad’s new lawyer Anthony F. List tells TMZ that Kate is “an absentee mom.” List says her current stint on Dancing with the Stars prohibits her from spending “quality time” with [her children].

We suppose we should congratulate Jon Gosselin for having the self-awareness to hire a lawyer called F List, but that’s beside the point. The point is that, yes, this constant back and forth about custody and parental suitability is bound to hurt the Gosselin children. Jon and Kate Gosselin have demonstrated a consistent inability to put their offspring ahead of their respective desires for revenge and fame, and so they’re effectively dooming the kids to a lifetime of misery, low self-esteem and emotional rootlessness.

But that’s a good thing. Because maybe Jon Gosselin’s petition will scare Kate Gosselin out of appearing on television any more, and Jon Gosselin will realise that Kate Gosselin will petition him right back if he ever appears on a TV show. If this happens, we’ll reach a stalemate situation where neither Jon or Kate Gosselin will ever appear on television again. True, eight children will become unbearably miserable in the process, but who cares about them? There’ll be no more Gosselins on TV! Whoopee!

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Finally, after years of constant disappointment, Dancing With The Stars has booked its first real celebrity.

Kate Gosselin. We’re so excited! We’ve waited so long for someone to inject some genuine celebrity glamour into Dancing With The Stars, and it looks as if Kate Gosselin is going to be the woman to do it. Obviously by ‘genuine celebrity glamour’ we mean ‘witless screeching about how hard her life is’ and ‘up to 23 simultaneous terrible haircuts’, but it’s more or less the same thing.

Sadly, though, Kate Gosselin isn’t going to be the only contestant to appear on this year’s Dancing With The Stars. Some old duffer called Buzz Aldrin is also going to take part. Apparently he’s walked on the moon, whatever that is. Hey Buzz, back the hell off! This is Kate Gosselin’s time to shine, you hear?

Look, we know you’re upset that Kate Gosselin is still on television. We are, too. We were hoping, just as you were, that her messy public divorce would have taught her an important lesson about the downsides of fame, and that she’d spend the rest of her life grinding out a living in blissful anonymity. But that’s not the case at all – Kate Gosselin’s decided to sign up for Dancing With The Stars.

You might be wondering why it’s Kate Gosselin and not Jon Gosselin who’s been chosen to appear on Dancing With The Stars. Well, there are two reasons for that. First, because Kate is the most unpleasantly pushy of the two, and her management team probably won her the slot because they couldn’t put up with her shrill self-obsessed whining any more. And second, because Dancing With The Stars isn’t really Jon Gosselin’s thing. Instead he’s waiting to appear on a new reality TV show called Desperately Trying To Dry-Hump Women Who Are Clearly Out Of Your League With The ‘Stars‘.

So, other than Kate Gosselin, who’ll be appearing on Dancing With The Stars this year? You really want to know? What are you, stupid? Fine, here you are…

Pamela Anderson – Noted for her dancing ability. By which we mean she once sucked a man off and filmed it. That’s the same as dancing, isn’t it?

Jake Pavelka – Literally the only human being less famous than Kate Gosselin. He doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page. Central Polish village Radziechowice Pierwsze has a Wikipedia page. Jake Pavelka isn’t even as famous as Radziechowice Pierwsze.

Evan Lysacek – Just won a gold medal at the Winter Olympics for Something That Probably Isn’t Even A Real Sport Anyway.

Erin Andrews - A woman who talks about sports for a living. Sort of like America’s Jim Rosenthal.

Nicole Scherzinger – The only member of the Pussycat Dolls who isn’t paid to stand at the back and look slightly mannish.

Chad Ochocinco – The only American footballer not to have his life turned into a sickly-sweet drama starring Sandra Bullock yet.

Shannen Doherty – A woman who once deliberately hung around Tori Spelling so she’d look less obnoxious and weird.

Aiden Turner – Probably most famous for appearing in Geri Halliwell‘s Bag It Up music video. This is not a lie.

Niecy Nash – Honestly not a clue. Frankly we’re surprised that you’re still reading this, to be honest.

Buzz Aldrin – Claims to have been among the first men in history to have set foot on the moon, which would make him a walking symbol of humanity’s indomitable spirit and constant urge to strive for greatness. But he hasn’t even got a reality TV show, the moron, so he’s probably not as good as Kate Gosselin.

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Kate Gosselin has the world at her feet, and a beautiful mane of hair on her head.

No, hang on. We’ve just had a quick second look and it turns out she’s actually got rolls and rolls of flaccid mimsy at her feet, and Worzel Gummidge‘s least favourite wig on her head.

Sorry for any confusion.

Kate Gosselin is the woman who has everything.

A happy family life with a couple of kids and an attentive husband, a great haircut, and a birth canal so vast and pliable it should surely be flown out to Haiti to serve as an emergency shelter.

None of those are true, of course, we’re just being facetious. Apart from the birth canal thing: it really is like a frowning sharpei’s forehead down there.

Yes, less than two weeks after the world dropped its jaw at news of Kate’s new haircut, the uncontrollable baby-factory has announced she’s not happy with it. Us reports the words of a Gosselin insider:

“She thinks her hair looks over­processed and damaged.”

Now, leaving aside the fact that having a Gosselin insider is what led to Kate’s problems in the first place, why has it taken her so long to realise the hairdo makes her look like a Barnsley stripper working the Wednesday afternoon shift? Here’s a couple of possible reasons:

a) Her kids are so devoted to their mummy that they’ve managed to hide the terrible truth from her for a fortnight by constant reassurance, or

b) She’s obviously just a completely vacuous, self obsessed idiot, because after all she let that blatant toolbag John Gosselin persuade her into having so many children that her inside ladybits now have the exact same dimensions as a squash court.

Well b) is just us being cruel and malicious. So it’s a) then, right? Back to Us for the insider’s scoop:

Twins Cara and Mady, 9,…shrieked “Eww!” when they saw their made-over mom. “They started laughing…Kate ended up in her room crying.“

Oh. Well, the damage has been done. How’s she trying to repair it?

“Kate has been trying different things, from headbands to ponytails to a Farrah Fawcett–style ‘do. She’s just not sure what she wants.”

Come on, now. Kate knows exactly what she wants: a rich old husband with a heart condition; eight nannies; and a cosmetic surgeon with a really really big knife to come and have a go ‘down there’.

And isn’t that, in the end, all any of us can ask for in life?

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Now that she’s got divorced and Jon & Kate Plus 8 is no more, Kate Gosselin has the time to do what she loves best.

Raise her children. Wait, no, that’s not right – we mean shove herself in our faces. Or refuse to understand the concept of a dignified exit. Or consistently demonstrate a staggering lack of self-awareness. Either one of those will do.

You see, even though Jon & Kate Plus 8 turned her into one of the most disliked people on Earth, Kate Gosselin has refused to get the message, and has been given a new show where she’ll learn a variety of new jobs. We’re especially looking forward to the episode where she learns how to become a mother. That’ll be hilarious.

One of the main unwritten rules about reality television is that, if you’re ever offered to star in a TV show where you learn how to do a number of new jobs, it means that you’re both horrible and stupid. That’s why Paris Hilton was asked to star in The Simple Life and Nikki from Big Brother was given Princess Nikki – because it’s funny to watch prissy bellends with runaway self-entitlement issues be crap at stuff and then throw a tantrum about it. If you’re offered one of these shows, it means you’ve failed as a human being.

Kate Gosselin has been offered one of these shows. And she’s accepted. Make of that what you will. Us Magazine reports:

Gosselin, 34, will be “trying different jobs and tasks and showing how she performs in the different environments” on the upcoming as-yet-untitled TLC show, which is slated to premiere in late spring or early summer. Though a TLC rep says things are “still in development” … Gosselin’s new show will be “more like Kate Gosselin, firefighter, not Kate Gosselin, wife and homemaker.”

Actually, we take it all back. Kate Gosselin: Firefighter sounds ace. In fact, Kate Gosselin: Firefighter should be the entire show. Imagine it – a house goes up in flames. Quick as a flash Kate Gosselin arrives on the scene. Refusing to wear a helmet in case it messes up her stupid new haircut, Kate grabs a hose, aims it at the blaze and then misses the house completely because she’s too busy whining about the emotional burden of her divorce into a camera. Four children die in the fire and a crowd of bystanders tell Kate Gosselin that she should be ashamed of herself. Every week.

Well, we’d watch it, anyway.

But don’t think for a second that Kate Gosselin will be the only member of the Gosselin clan to get her own TV show. Before too long we fully expect Jon Gosselin to get his own Lifestyles Of The Rich And Famous-style reality show, entitled Lifestyles Of The Shit And Balding. And it goes without saying that, now they’ve been brought up to equate performing for cameras with parental approval, we’re less than two decades away from the first Gosselin Jr internet sex tape. So there’s always that to look forward to.

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Stop what you’re doing. Stop what you’re doing right now and take a look around. This is incredibly important.

We’re not kidding around. One day, in several years to come, your grandchildren will turn to you and ask “What were you doing on the day that Kate Gosselin put in some hair extensions to mask the fact that her real hair looked like a cross between a bad Manga cartoon and the grubby, static-charged pubic merkin that Mickey Rourke kept in his pants during the production of The Wrestler and it somehow became newsworthy?”

And now you’ll know. Now you’ll be able to look down upon their adorable little faces and say “I was despairing for the future of humanity, kids. I was despairing for the future of humanity.”

Kate Gosselin is a single woman now. She’s divorced her horny balding idiot of a husband and she’s back on the prowl. Yep, there’s nothing stopping Kate Gosselin from finding love, apart from a) the fact that she’s got eight young children, b) the fact that whoever she ends up being romantically involved with will be subjected to a horrific level of unwanted media interest from the get-go, c) the fact that she’s primarily famous for being a hard-faced, self-interested shrew who’d happily trample over anybody for even a microsecond of attention and d) she’s got slightly crap hair.

So, in an effort to find love, what has Kate Gosselin done? Has she retired from public view so that any new relationships can develop in a healthy and organic way? Has she radically worked on the root causes of her infamously noxious personality? Don’t be daft – she’s had her hair done.

And, just to prove that she’s still totally committed to being a fame-hungry moron with little regard for anyone else even though her show isn’t on any more, she’s had her hair done on the front cover of People magazine. Here’s how People reported Kate Gosselin’s new look:

Celebrity hairstylist Ted Gibson, who has tended to the tresses of Angelina Jolie and Anne Hathaway, spent nearly 20 hours last week meticulously adding hundreds of extensions to Kate’s hair. Luckily, they both agree that their time together was a smashing success. “Kate was an absolute sweetheart, I loved her,” says Gibson.

In total, Kate Gosselin’s hair makeover took 20 hours to accomplish. 20 hours! Now, we know that 20 hours might sound like a ridiculously long time to spend having a haircut, but just look at the finished result. Surely 20 hours is a small price to pay to end up looking like the forgotten sister that Hulk Hogan keeps locked in a cupboard. And, after all, it’s not like Kate Gosselin has kids to worry about or anything, is it?

Next week: Jon Gosselin experiments with moustaches and we begin to weep uncontrollably.

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Do you wish the Tiger Woods divorce story had less money, glamour, points of interest and endearing characters?

Oh, what’s that? You do? Then do you also wish that the Tiger Woods divorce story had more bad clothes, hairplugs, ill-advised man-jewellery, demonstrably bad haircuts and children who will almost certainly grow up to be psychologically crippled destructive little monsters? You wish that too? Well then have we got some wonderful news for you.

Jon and Kate Gosselin are likely to have their divorce finalised this weekend, pending a judge’s solitary signature. You know what? This is going to be the best Christmas EVER.

If you want proof that there is a God, this may be it. Or if, as is more likely to be the case, you want proof that two juddering self-interested wazzocks don’t have the basic human function to even hold a marriage together because they’re both too busy being tremendously despicable titplanks to ever show an iota of compassion to another living being, then this may also be it.

Basically Jon and Kate Gosselin’s marriage is going to officially come crashing to a halt before Monday. The New York Daily News reports:

The Gosselin’s divorce is imminent – and Kate is reportedly “thrilled” with what she’s getting. The fractured reality family’s ongoing saga drew nearer to a close on Wednesday after an arbitrator dealing with the divorce proceedings finally made his decision on how divide the couple’s assets… The arbitrator’s decision has been forwarded to the judge presiding over the case.

This is undoubtedly good news. It means that we can consign all the nonsense that Jon and Kate Gosselin have put us through this year – the anaemic reality shows, the countless sobbing interviews, the revolving mental image of Jon Gosselin poking it up a nanny in a hot tub while his children were an another room – to the recycle bin of our minds and get on with our lives again.

True, Jon and Kate Gosselin’s divorce might have thrown up a bit of collateral damage – like the legal battle between Jon Gosselin and TLC and the fact that all of the Gosselin children will grow up to be emotionally stunted waifs whose developmental lack of self-esteem will force them into a series of deeply unpleasant, life-scarring episodes – but that doesn’t matter! Jon and Kate Gosselin are almost divorced! Wahey! Maybe we’ll never hear about either of them ever again!

Of course, this does mean that TLC has one massive family less on its books than it would ideally like. So if you’re a married couple with more children than you can possibly cope with, be sure to contact TLC directly. But make sure that you’re intrinsically both terrible people, though! That’s a dealbreaker!

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Have you noticed that everyone seems to have more of a joyous, carefree spring in their step today?

It’s all down to Jon Gosselin. Actually, that’s a lie. It’s all down to Montgomery County Circuit Judge Michael D. Mason – a man who, with no exaggeration whatsoever, has made our year. He’s hit Jon Gosselin with an injunction banning him from appearing in the media. And unless we’re wrong, this injunction lasts until April. We’ve got close to five blissful Gosselin-free months ahead of us. We’ve never been so happy.

Now, if only another judge would rule that Kate Gosselin had to be dropped into the middle of the desert with no food or water, we could die happy.

Today, truly, is the end of an era. Admittedly it was quite a crap era, where a tubby balding man with a horrific taste in shirts would routinely pop up on every single television programme on Earth and either bitch relentlessly about his estranged wife or beg for her forgiveness, depending on what he thought would net him the most headlines. It was an era of very young girlfriends and embarrassing spelling mistakes and horrific tales of jacuzzi sex, but it’s over now. For now.

Up until now, it looked like there would be no winners in the fight between Jon Gosselin and TLC. If TLC wins and Jon Gosselin is found to have breached the terms of his contract by making unauthorised media appearances, then Kate Gosselin will get to keep making Jon-less episodes of Jon & Kate Plus 8, which would obviously be awful. But if Jon Gosselin wins and TLC is found to have breached child labour laws, then Jon Gosselin will have been successful at something for the first time in his life, which would be just as awful.

But now there is a winner. And it’s us. The big Jon Gosselin/ TLC skirmish isn’t scheduled to kick off until April – but until then, a judge has made it illegal for Jon Gosselin to appear in the media. No Jon Gosselin and no Jon & Kate Plus 8? Why, this is just like how life used to be, back when we were happy. We remember being happy. Usmagazine, explain:

After Thursday’s ruling, TLC issued the following statement: “The Court has validated our view that Mr. Gosselin has a valid, binding contract and that he has breached it repeatedly. Step one – getting the court to order Mr. Gosselin to comply with his contractual obligations – has been accomplished. Any further breaches going forward will be violations of a court order.”

Jon Gosselin plans to appeal this decision, but let’s assume that he’ll fail. That gives us five amazing months of radio silence from Jon Gosselin. It’s possibly the best news we’ve ever heard – but we won’t get too excited, because it obviously has its downsides. Firstly, we’re willing to bet that Jon Gosselin uses this time to write a book about how hard it is to be him. Secondly, we give it a fortnight before the lack of attention makes Jon Gosselin snap and hold up a petrol station at gunpoint, just because he knows it’ll get his mugshot on TV.

Plus Kate Gosselin is still allowed to swan around like a bad-haired nimrod. So, in retrospect, this isn’t good news at all.

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Right. Look. We know that just a few days ago we said that we’d written our final story about Jon and Kate Gosselin.

Clearly that turned out to be a lie. But you’ve got to believe that we wanted it to be our final story about Jon and Kate Gosselin. Their divorce settlement was finalised, their show had been taken off air – everything about them seemed like it was all tied up. But still we’re back here again. So what went wrong?

We underestimated Jon Gosselin’s relentless capacity for stupidity, that’s what. A taped phone call has emerged. It’s allegedly between Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan. Jon complains about paedophiles at one point. We know, alright? We’re upset as you are.

Now that Jon & Kate Plus 8 has been mercifully covered with a blanket and shot in the head, it’s only a matter of time before Jon and Kate Gosselin start popping up in other places. Kate Gosselin, it’s rumoured, could end up with a reality show about being a single mother. And as for Jon Gosselin? if he isn’t given an Odd Couple-style reality TV show starring him and Michael Lohan called something like Come And Watch The Two Worst People On The Face Of The Earth Being Dicks To Everyone by this time next year, it’ll be a tragedy.

Because, christ, the two of them. They’ve both got their own individual ideas on parenting – Jon Gosselin prefers to have sex with nannies in hot tubs while his children are sleeping, Michael Lohan likes to threaten to kidnap his kids in public – but when they come together, it’s a non-stop funride of hilarity all the way. And when we say ‘hilarity’ we mean ‘genuinely creepy paranoia.

A taped phone call, ostensibly between Jon Gosselin and Michael Lohan, has hit the internet. In it, Gosselin alleges that Jon & Kate Plus 8‘s network TLC took money from deals the family had made with magazines. Although that’s not quite how Jon Gosselin put it. RadarOnline reports:

It’s clear that Jon believes his (supposed) knowledge of these deals means TLC will not stop him from talking . He says “They haven’t said (bleep).” The Jon & Kate Plus 8 former star claims TLC got paid in a side deal and says “I put my kids out there to every pedophile on the planet and they never got paid for it? It’s disgusting.”

Now, part of us thinks that it might be a little late to start worrying about exposing your children to paedophiles after allowing them to star in their own TV show for two and a half years. And another part of us thinks that, regardless of this weird paedophile threat, the children would be better off if Jon Gosselin could somehow refrain from banging on about them like a twat all the time.

The biggest part of us, though, just really really wants all of the Gosselins – and Michael Lohan as well, now that he’s part of it – to be bundled into a sack and dropped off in the middle of nowhere. Please.

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We’re thrilled to announce that this might just be the last thing we ever write about Jon and Kate Gosselin.

The signs are certainly good. The last episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8 is broadcast tonight. Jon and Kate Gosselin have thrashed out a surprisingly amicable divorce settlement. That’s it. Now both Jon and Kate can fade into the background and we’ll never hear from them again.

That is, unless one of Jon Gosselin’s sexual partners sells their story to the press, or Kate Gosselin’s relentless desire for attention culminates in her taking out strangers from a clock tower with a sniper rifle. Both of which are quite likely to happen. This isn’t the last we’ve heard of Jon and Kate Gosselin at all, is it? Bollocks.

So much of the Jon and Kate Gosselin story is mired in such all-encompassing depression that even thinking of words that rhyme with their surname – like ‘nozzling’ or whatever – make us want to slash away at our wrists and throat with a set of nail scissors. Honestly, their life is just a never-ending catalogue of misery. There’s the divorce, the televised breakdowns, the slow collapse of their TV show, the fact that their children are going to grow up to hate them, Kate’s stupid hair – the gloom simply refuses to let up.

Having said that, two tiny chinks of sunlight have broken through the clouds today. First, today marks the final-ever episode of Jon & Kate Plus 8. True, this is only a partial victory because it’s likely to be replaced by a show called Kate Plus 8 or, failing that, Kate Gosselin: I Can Do This On My Own or, failing that, Some Other Awful Bastards With Too Many Poxy Children, but let’s soak in what little pleasure this gives us while we can.

Secondly, Jon and Kate Gosselin have finalised their divorce settlement. This means that they won’t insist on weeping into the nearest camera about how unreasonable the other one is all the time. People has divorce details:

“This was the proceeding that essentially ended their marriage,” says the source.”Kate is just relieved that a very painful chapter of her life is nearly over, and she is looking forward to building a better, brighter future for herself and her kids.” During the hearing, Jon “didn’t dispute Kate having primary custody of the kids,” says the source, which came as no surprise to Kate.

So Kate’s getting primary custody of the kids, huh? That makes sense – if that kiss and tell story from a few months ago was anything to go by, then Jon’s idea of considerate parenting is closing the bathroom door before having it off with the nanny in the hot tub. Meanwhile Kate only hits her children, deprives them of water and scares the living daylights out of them with her dreadful haircut, which is markedly more considerate.

But quality of parenting doesn’t matter any more. The only thing that matters is that this is the full stop that the Jon and Kate story needs. Or, if not a full stop, then an asterisk that’s followed by a footnote reading ‘Then they were all eaten by lions. Nobody cried.’ One or the other.

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Aside from depressing the world silly, there’s nothing that Jon and Kate Gosselin like more than a good old competition.

Remember when Jon and Kate split up? They had a competition to see who was the biggest underdog. And then that somehow gave way to their competition to see who could come off as the most genuinely abhorrent. And now they’re having a competition to see who can be more sorry for their behaviour.

On Sunday Jon Gosselin told a Jewish Centre that he was sorry for everything, but Kate’s not taking that sitting down – she’s appeared on TV to tell the world that she’s so sorry for every single thing she’s ever done in her entire life that it sometimes makes her poo blood. Or something.

If Jon and Kate Gosselin are remembered for anything – and we’d literally give away every possession we own to make sure they aren’t – then it’ll probably be the way they redefined the Kübler-Ross grief model. Usually, as everyone knows, grief consists of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – but the pattern that Jon and Kate followed in the wake of their split has altered our perception of grief forever.

You see, first there was denial – as Jon and Kate tried to stick together for the sake of Jon & Kate Plus 8. Then came anger. Then some more anger. Then some more anger. Then they got a bit more angry. And then the anger went on for a bit. And now they’ve leapfrogged the rest of the stages to arrive at acceptance more or less simultaneously.

Yesterday we told you how Jon Gosselin was so sorry for the way he’s treated Kate Gosselin that he went all the way to a high-profile Jewish Centre – even though it literally made no sense to anyone for him to do so – to bare his soul. And now it’s Kate’s turn. She’s also sorry for the way she treated Jon, you know. So very, very sorry. E! Online reports:

“I was very hard on him and I would never deny that. I felt very much like a lot of weight rested on my shoulders. I was wrong to treat him that way. Was it good, healthy and wonderful? No. Am I proud of those moments that were captured? No… I still wake up every day, and I think the phone will ring,” Kate began, her voice cracking, “and it’ll be the old Jon.”

It’s nice to see that both Jon and Kate Gosselin have arrived at a place where they can both apologise for everything they’ve done wrong. Although, given their history of media one-upmanship, it’s only going to be a matter of time before Jon has to reassert his apology, adding that he also blames himself for the weather, before Kate fires back by apologising profusely for the way that her DNA has made a couple of her kids look a bit funny. That’ll be followed, obviously, by Jon Gosselin remorsefully claiming that he started the Israeli-Palestine conflict by himself for a bit of a giggle.

The last stage of grief in the Jon and Kate Gosselin model, by the way, is shutting up and leaving us alone forever. We’re quite looking forward to that stage.

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