If the sun is shining a little brighter today, it’s because Kate Gosselin has left Dancing With The Stars.
That’s scientific fact. And if the air smells a little fresher today, it’s because Kate Gosselin has left Dancing With The Stars. And if you happen to see groups of strangers jigging around in circles with wide-eyed joy, it’s because Kate Gosselin has left Dancing With The Stars. She was the worst dancer, she was the least personable dancer and there’s a slight possibility that she was the dancer with the largest amount of hungry, emotionally-abandoned children at home, but – finally – Kate Gosselin was voted off Dancing With The Stars last night.
Now the bad news. If the clouds are looming a little more threateningly in the sky today, it’s because Kate Gosselin will be back on TV soon. Sorry.
Dear America: thank you. It may have taken you an obscenely long time to work out – so long that you used the second bloody man ever to walk on the actual moon as collateral – but you’ve finally got it together for long enough to remove Kate Gosselin from Dancing With The Stars.
You may have thought that you were simply voting Kate Gosselin off because of how she danced. For weeks now she’s been the lowest-scoring celebrity thanks to her ability to turn every dance into a mime of a transvestite with a back injury trying to stomp hundreds of cockroaches to death, but she always hung in there – possibly because she had the support of other single mothers, or possibly because she had the support of other people with genuinely woeful haircuts – until now.
But you weren’t just voting Kate Gosselin off Dancing With The Stars because of her lack of ability. You were voting Kate Gosselin off Dancing With The Stars because of all the fights she had with her training partner, because none of the other professional judges or dancers liked her, because you knew that voting Kate Gosselin off Dancing With The Stars would also vote Jon Gosselin’s embarrassingly attention-seeking lawsuit off, because you realise that a second without Kate Gosselin on TV is like a lifetime spent in heaven, because you love life.
But before she left Dancing With The Stars last night, a tearful Kate Gosselin had this to say to the viewers who had supported her this far:
“Thank you for believing in me, probably more than I believed in myself.”
Listen, we know what’s coming next. There’ll be a big splashy ‘Kate Reunites With Her Children’ spread in one of the magazines, then there’ll be a few months where we don’t hear much from Kate Gosselin. And then, thanking the Dancing With The Stars voters for making her believe in herself once again, she’ll come back with a new reality show that requires her to be even more shrewish and power-crazed than ever.
And that’s when we’re going to start chasing Dancing With The Stars voters with sticks. Consider this a head-start.
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Patricia says
Actually, Kates begins filming her new TLC shows next week. They were waiting to schedule filming until she was done on DWTS.
Suzanne Mourer says
Being on DWTS made more people dislike her. Her new book isn’t doing too well so she doesn’t have to go promote it. Plenty of time for the kids now!
Marcia says
Kate being on Dancing With The Stars had nothing to do with dancing. People are so superficial and desensitized these days that it takes an 18 wheeler running over them to get a reaction of some sort. The woman was on that show to demonstrate strength and commitment–something her husband knows nothing about. So she did not know how to dance? Big deal–she was there to demonstrate effort and other things which obviously America has completely forgotten about. I am very proud of her effort. Imagine her fears–knowing that she does not know how to dance and is doing it in front of millions, including judges from hell who are more interested in sexuality than dancing sometimes. A real shame is having a professional dancer, such as the girl from pussycat dolls, competing. She’s the one who should not be there.
America, you need to feel again.
KATATONIC says
Marcia,
“Imagine her fears”? LOL I’d rather see Kate on public assistance than give her the emotional support she needs to be on national TV. Botox, veneers, boob job, fake hair didn’t make her worth watching.
Kate’s narcissism is the reason she has to demonstrate strength and commitment. Narcissists think they are special. They hate to appear weak and needy. Kate tried to control Tony Dovolani the same way she tried to control Jon — and it was because she hated the fact that she needed him. She cut her brother and sister-in-law out of her life when TLC offered to pay them for participating in her show. Even then, she hated to think she couldn’t carry a show by herself. She cut her parents out of her life after they rounded up mismatched cribs for the ‘tups. She said her parents “didn’t know how to help”.
We watch DWTS to be entertained. If that didn’t fit Kate Gosselin’s priorities, too bad. She’s not relevant. Americans don’t “need” to have their emotions manipulated; they need Kate to get off her arse.
Oinga says
The world will be a much better place if Kate would just fade into the sunset and not be heard of again. She stands there thinking she is a representative of single mothers everywhere. In what way?? The true and spirited single Mom lives in the here, now and reality of raising her kids alone. Kate is only single in that she is no longer with Jon. She in no way is facing many of the challenges a single mom faces day to day in the real world. I will NEVER, EVER, watch a station that airs her, read a book she has had anything to do with or buy any product she promotes because I know she is nothing more than a plastic attention hound with a mouth that wide mouth bass are very envious of.