Sorry. You were probably having quite a good day, weren’t you? And now we’ve come along and trampled all over it.

Or worse. Maybe you were having a terrible day. And maybe the news that The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up will be the last straw for you. Maybe hearing this will be what finally pushes you to climb that clocktower so you can start systematically blasting away at strangers with a sniper rifle until you’re inevitably taken out by a police helicopter.

Either way, The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are so not splitting up that they’ve gone to the trouble of actually telling people that they’re not splitting up. Sorry.

So listen. The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up. But that’s not the end of the world, is it? Because, come on, The Jonas Brothers didn’t split up yesterday and you managed to get through that alright, didn’t you? Or the day before. In fact, if you think about it, The Jonas Brothers haven’t split up on any day since you were born. So today’s news that The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up isn’t such terrible news on the grand scale of things. It just feels like it’s terrible news. It’s like spending the 1980s in pre-Perestroika Russia. It was shitty, but at least you had the comfort of not knowing what the alternatives were.

So if The Jonas Brothers aren’t splitting up, then why are we making such a big fuss about them? Well, as usual, it’s all the fault of that idiot Nick Jonas. It’s been announced that Kevin Jonas has broken away to form his own band, entitled Nick Jonas & The Administration. Think of the new band as the Raconteurs to his White Stripes, albeit a version of The Raconteurs that only sings awful songs called things like Oh Girl You Make Me So Super Happy and Sunshine Makes My Heart Go Bippy Bop.

But it’s not just Nick Jonas who’s putting strain on the future of The Jonas Brothers. Kevin Jonas has also decided to take a brief hiatus from the group to see what this whole ‘having sex’ thing is like. And that just leaves poor old Joe Jonas. He needs The Jonas Brothers to continue. He needs it. He’s got two growing eyebrows to feed, for God’s sake. And maybe that’s why Nick and Kevin have decided to tell the world that, no matter what happens, the Jonas Brothers will always be. In a letter to fans, the band wrote:

“We plan to make music together for as long as we can. We’ve said from the beginning of our career as the Jonas Brothers that anything we do outside of the group is a side project because you can’t break up brothers… A three-chord strand is not easily broken, and one thing’s for sure… this three chord strand is stronger now than it’s ever been. You are truly the best fans in the world, and we love you with all our hearts.”

Stupid three-chord strands. If we see a three-chord strand today, we’re going to kick it in the balls.

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Without irony or hyperbole, the Teen Choice Awards sounds like the worst place on the face of the planet.

Why? Because Robert Pattinson was there. And The Jonas Brothers were there. And it was held yesterday, in Los Angeles in the summer. And Robert Pattinson and The Jonas Brothers are famed for making teenage girls urinate uncontrollably. And the sun is famed for its ability to evaporate liquid. So put it together and what do you get? Piss clouds. You get thousands of people at the Teen Choice Awards inhaling giant clouds of each other’s piss.

Plus: Miley Cyrus! Ugh.

The People’s Choice Awards is probably the greatest awards show on Earth, because all the awards are chosen by the people. Specifically they’re chosen by the people who happen to be attention-starved, borderline-obese housewives with gigantic haircuts from ridiculous little towns who vote because they’re propelled by a warped determination to give Two And A Half Men the recognition that they wrongly assume it deserves.

What’s great about the People’s Choice Awards is that, thanks to its name, it makes all of humanity look like a collection of blundering dimwits who’d happily spend a full afternoon crashing into the same locked patio door again and again wondering why a wizard had decided to suddenly make the air go hard. Really, it’s excellent.

But what if the People’s Choice Awards isn’t crackpot enough for you? What if you want to combine the astonishing dunderheadedness of the People’s Choice Awards with an auditorium full of thousands of teenage girls who cry and scream at such a staggering volume that passers-by could quite easily be forgiven for assuming that they were witnessing all-out infanticide? Well in that case you need the Teen Choice Awards, which was held yesterday – presumably in an effort to keep the rest of the planet quieter and comparatively urine-free for a few hours.

The LA Times has news of the winners:

“Twilight” won 11 of its 12 Teen Choice Awards nominations… Robert Pattinson crushed Dev Patel, and Kristen Stewart beat Friedo Pinto. “Twilight” also claimed more offbeat categories such as best romance, liplock and rumble. Miley Cyrus claimed six kudos, including best comedy TV show, comedy actress, music/dance movie actress, hissy fit, music single and summer song.

In addition, The Jonas Brothers won five awards and Zac Efron picked up two. Not to be outdone, though, Britney Spears managed to pick up one Teen Choice Award as well. Ostensibly Britney took home the worryingly vague ‘Ultimate Choice Award’, although it doesn’t take a genius to see that she was only invited so that the winners’ collective management could hold her up and say “See? THIS is what happens to you if you stop listening to us! Now get out back out there and make us all rich before your testicles descend!”

But still, we’re sure that the likes of Twilight, Robert Pattinson, The Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus are all thrilled to have won their Teen Choice Awards. After all, no awards mean more thn ones voted for by a bunch of easily-manipulated hormonal wazzocks.

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Hollywood Records is a label imprint for the Walt Disney Company.

Therefore they have a truly horrible roster of ’stars’ like Hayden Panettiere and Vanessa Hudgens. Although I will pretty much listen to any tween piece of crap, some of this stuff is truly bone-chilling. The label pretty much makes its money solely on the premise that if teenagers like to see rubbish actors in movies, they will LOVE hearing them sing. Unfortunately for us, this appears to be true. Basically, being an artist on Hollywood records is like being a chef at McDonalds.

Prime examples after the jump…

Jesse McCartney – It’s Over

6,474,564 views

Jesse McCartney is the latest in a line of snivelling little girl singers, lisping his way through ballads about the kind of impossibly complex love and heartbreak only a 21-year-old whose voice hasn’t yet properly broken could ever hope to fathom. In this video he mopes around (as usual), enlisting the help of some deeply uninvested producers and one of Justin Timberlake’s set designers. The song sounds like something he found whilst digging though Babyface’s trash.

Hayden Panettiere - Wake Up Call

4,893,437 views

This is one of the most awful songs I have ever heard and I can honestly say I would rather be forced to watch someone murder and eat my family than have to listen to it again. Who the fuck wrote in a RAP!? I think the gist of the song is if your boyfriend stops paying attention to you you should have sex with someone else to remind that he loves you. If this doesn’t make sense to you, don’t worry, that just means you’re not a cretin.

Jonas Brothers – Burnin’ Up

15,186,494 views

The Jonas Brothers halfheartedly pretend to be interested in women and some paid actresses halfheartedly return the favour. Confused man-children with bad hair.

Vanessa Hudgens – Sneakernight

35,933,696 views

This song is pretty catchy, but whilst watching the video all I could think was ‘Heh heh heh. I’ve seen your minge.’

Insane Clown Posse – Down With The Clown (no seriously.)

17,467 views

WOOO! RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE! ANARCHY!

Corbin Bleu – Deal With It

1,382,976 views

Things that are probably less painful than this video:
Vivisection sans anaesthetic
Childbirth
Having a 300 pound woman repeatedly stamp on your testicles
Licking the crotch of one of Paris Hilton’s thongs and then having to deal with whatever diseases you contract.

Miley Cyrus – 7 Things
92,930,397 views

One of the only Hollywood Records artists I have nothing bad to say about because this song is awesome and so is Miley Cyrus. At 16 she’s already had three ‘erotic pic’ phone leaks and enjoys dating older men and perceived racial slurs. Someone for the kids to look up to, truly.

This was a guest blog by Amy Green from Interpol Groupies Wear Black. She means it, man.

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Like everyone else, we were praying that Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle would get married and have kids.

We don’t want to see them happy, you understand. No, it’s because Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have both got massive eyebrows and so their offspring would end up freakishly hairy, and we’d be allowed to chase it into the forest with pitchforks and torches as a result. But that dream is over – Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have split up.

Still, Joe Jonas took the news like a man – a man who openly weeps at his own concerts. Video? Oh yes.

For the briefest moment of time recently, all the Jonas brothers were happy. They were all in blissful, non-sexual relationships with their dream girls – the littlest Jonas was together with Miley Cyrus, the rubbish older Jonas who looks like he was ordered to join the Jonas Brothers against his will by his parents had just got engaged to a hairdresser and Joe Jonas was hooked up with Camilla Belle, the girl from that rubbish caveman film that nobody saw.

But now it’s over. Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle – the poster couple for wild, uncontrollable eyebrows that closely resemble what we imagine Susan Boyle’s pubes to be like – are no more. They’ve split up. They’re kaput.

What caused this heartbreaking love split? Was it Joe Jonas’ punishing workload? Were Camilla Belle’s eyebrows so big that they weighed down her head, giving her the preliminary stages of a grotesque humpback? Maybe we’ll never know. All we have for now is the statement given to Access Hollywood by Camilla Belle’s rep Brad Cafarelli:

“Yes, it’s true, they have broken up,” Brad Cafarelli told Access. However, the split was amicable and Jonas and Belle remain on good terms. “There is no third party involved and they care deeply about each other and will remain friends,” Cafarelli added.

Cafarelli then conspicuously turned his back on reporters and started punching himself in the face, presumably because he never wanted to officially pass on non-details of the dating habits of D-list celebrities for a living and deep down he knows that his parents are disgusted with the career choices he’s made. Or at least that’s what we imagine Cafarelli did – it’s what we would have done in his situation, anyway.

But listen! The big news isn’t that Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have split up – the big news is that afterwards, Joe Jonas couldn’t stop blubbering like some sort of emotionally immature namby-pamby wussbag during his concert. Look, there’s video…

Now, if you look very very closely at the video, you’ll see that Joe Jonas is crying. Alternatively if you play the video and close your eyes you’ll still see that Joe Jonas is crying because of the thousands of hormonal teenage girls shrieking “OH MY GOD! HE’S CRYING! HE’S CRYING! WEAUUUUUURGH! AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAGH! I CAN’T BREATHE!” Either way, you’ll be able to tell that Joe Jonas is crying.

Why is Joe Jonas crying? God knows – sure, he might have split up with his girlfriend, but he’s Joe Jonas, for God’s sake. The world is full of girls that he can take back to his hotel room and affectionately pat on the back while silently cursing that stupid bloody purity ring his management told him to wear. That boy needs to cowboy up.

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The Jonas Brothers are so adorable, aren’t they? Which one is your favourite? Nick or Joe? Oh, we can’t decide either!

What? Kevin Jonas? There’s a Kevin Jonas? You mean that weird-looking guy who usually stands behind the other two is a Jonas Brother as well? Wow. We just assumed that he was their manager or their dad or a particularly persistent beggar or something.

Anyway, Kevin Jonas has just got engaged. No date has been set, although hopefully it won’t happen until Kevin Jonas has finished On Chesil Beach and properly developed his desperately profound fear of physical intimacy.

Kevin Jonas deserves your sympathy for two main reasons. Firstly he’s the oldest member of a teen-targeted pop band made up of brothers. He’s Isaac Hanson. And being Isaac Hanson is no fun, especially because you’ll inevitably end up riddled with lung-scabs.

Worse still, Kevin Jonas is the oldest member of a teen-targeted pop band made up of brothers who are globally known for their hardcore no sex before marriage stance. That stance might be fine for Nick Jonas and Joe Jonas, because they’re only 16 and 19 years old respectively, but Kevin Jonas turns 22 in four months. The poor boy can’t go anywhere without being confronted by crowds of lusty-eyed fans, and there’s nothing he can do about it. This is just a stab in the dark, but we’d imagine that Kevin Jonas’ testicles are constantly like giant twitching watermelons.

But, credit where it’s due, Kevin Jonas has decided to do something about it. He’s getting married.

Who to? Well, as a Jonas Brother Kevin Jonas has the entire world of women at his command. Look at his brothers – one of them might be involved with Miley Cyrus and the other one’s going out with the monobrowed bikini girl from 10,000 BC (the key word there is ‘bikini’ rather than ‘monobrowed’, obviously) – so which A-list stunner has Kevin Jonas landed himself? Well, her name is Danielle Deleasa and um, she sort of used to be a hairdresser once. Does that count? People reports:

Deleasa couldn’t believe what was happening. Then, “She said yes, yes, yes like 500 times super fast in a row,” the oldest of the Jonas Brothers tells PEOPLE… “It was tough performing last night, knowing that I was going to ask the biggest question in my life to the most amazing girl in the world,” he says.

Oh, that’s… that’s actually quite sweet. What a spoilsport. Couldn’t he have at least thrown in a “Finally, I’ll get to see what a naked woman looks like!” or a “You know what? I can’t wait to take this purity ring and set the cocking thing on fire. Do you know how many women I could have shagged if it weren’t for this piece of crap on my finger? Millions. I literally could have shagged millions of girls. And now, just because curiosity got the better of me, I’m stuck with this one for the rest of my life. Thanks a lot purity ring, you massive arse”?

No? For us? No? You bloody spoilsport.

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3 - Turns out hunger strikes are really good for your figure – PopEater

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1 – The Jonas Brothers say the worst thing that the Jonas Brothers have ever said…

We’ve seen some pretty nasty things at the cinema. Saw II. Albanian midgetporn. And that bit in The Love Guru between getting out of the car and getting back in the car – just sickening.

But even our battle-hardened stomach has warned us we’re not to go and see the new Jonas Brothers movie, which shows the boys larking about backstage while semi-naked. It said if we try to watch the film, it’ll start flinging organs up through our mouth one at a time until we promise to be good. Or die. Y’know, whichever.

Of course, the celebrity flashwagon is a tried and trusted vehicle for getting the public’s attention. Madonna has done it her whole career, from the days when she was young and pretty to the days when she’s old and looks like an elbow. And when things started falling apart for Britney Spears, she knew that the best way back was to show up at a takeaway and flash her saggy baggy tuppence at the waiting photographers.

So the Jonas brothers are just the latest in this honourable line, having decided that their new film – despite being all 3D and whatnot – needed a little extra to spice it up. And that the little extra should be some hugely muscled chests. Or rather, some chests that wouldn’t look out of place on an emphysemic pigeon who hasn’t eaten for a week.

So, is this a cynical publicity attempt? No way, say the boys, the camera just caught some good-natured, spontaneous, young boy tomfoolery. They told MTV:

The thing is, we were in the midst of the show, so we were just continuing like a show. So when we went backstage, we didn’t realize they [the camera crew] were there and we were changing. We went, ‘Oh my gosh! Wow! We might want to get them out of here.’ So it was in the moment.

Ah, the old ‘in the moment’ line. We know it well, and can confirm that it does not stand up in a courtroom.

Generously, the Brothers have made a concession to those people unable to contain either their libido or their gastric contents in the presence of Jonas manbumps. Viewers can request the special 3D glasses which come with a drawing pin on the inside of each lens and a bib. At the appropriate moment, they just need to tap on the glasses to pierce their eyeballs. Any unpleasant fluids collect in the bib, which is also biodegradable.

Sadly, none of this topless nonsense has worked, the Jonas movie having been beaten this weekend by Tyler Perry’s latest moralising-through-the-medium-of-man-in-fat-lady-suit-getting-bummed-in-prison movie. So, expect the lads to up the ante next time, when they release a film called, ‘The Jonas Brothers Get All Filthy And Naked And Wee Over Each Other And Everything‘.

We’d like to finish by saying that, although the Jonas Brothers have had to endure lots of rumours and snide chatter about their sexuality, hecklerspray will play no part in perpetuating such baseless rumours.

Oh yes, and one more quote from their MTV interview:

We had to turn the tables and ask the guys: is there anyone you are fanatical about? Nick very quickly answered, ‘Daniel Craig’.

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And the Jonas Brothers had a film out on Friday. So what’s the number one movie at the weekend box office this week? You guessed it – it’s Tyler Perry’s Madea Goes To Jail.

Poor old the Jonas Brothers – they weren’t really supposed to be beaten by a man dressed as a fat old lady for another decade until their success waned and they developed drug habits that opened them up to a world of mind-bending transsexual S&M. Those lucky Jonas Brothers.

Last week was Oscar weekend and, by and large, everyone assumed that Madea Goes To Jail made it as the top-grossing movie at the US weekend box office because people would happily go and watch any old crap if it meant avoiding seeing Hugh Jackman prance around like a fairy.

But now Madea Goes To Jail has managed to notch up another week at the top of the weekend box office. Why? Well it might because the Jonas Brothers brought out a movie in 3D, which limits their audience considerably, especially since the only people who like the Jonas Brothers are three years old, so their heads are all too small for the 3D glasses. Better luck next time, virgins. Here’s the weekend box office top five…

1 - Madea Goes To Jail (Coming soon: Madea Is Released From Jail, Madea Finds Her History As A Prisoner Leves Her Unable To Gain Meaningful Employment, Madea Develops Mild Agoraphobia and Madea Hangs Herself Like The Bloke From The Shawshank Redemption) $16,500,000

2 - Jonas Brothers: The 3D Concert Experience (Coming soon: Jonas Brothers: The 4D Concert Experience soon, which will also utilise the sensation of smell. And then Jonas Brothers: The 5D Concert Experience, where you’ll literally be able to reach into the screen and slap the Jonas Brothers and tell them to stop being such an annoying bunch of bastards) $12,700,000

3 - Slumdog Millionaire (Proof that all the millions and millions of dollars of marketing for the Oscars have paid off. So there you go, aspiring filmmakers of the future – make the best film of the year and you too can linger at number three at the weekend box office behind a film about a man in a fat suit and some virgins singing Busted cover versions) $12,150,000

4 - Taken (We finally got round to seeing Taken this weekend, and it’s obviously massively unrealistic. $500,000 to buy and keep Maggie Grace and keep her as a sex slave? Even though she runs like a wounded puppet and looks a decade older than 17? Hardly) $9,950,000

5 - He’s Just Not That Into You (Why is this even still in the weekend box office top five? Because you might be able to see Scarlett Johansson’s bottom in it? Because there’s a chance that Drew Barrymore might accidentally shatter her shins on a ceramic dog? Because those are literally the only two reasons we can think of) $5,875,000

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But that’s not quite awful enough, is it? If Twilight 2 is going to go above and beyond the original, it’s going to need to pull something spectacularly awful out of the bag. Twilight 2 needs something so profoundly dreadful that teenage girls will immediately urinate themselves to dust upon sight and everyone else will want to crap their own spines out just so they won’t have to deal with the gargantuan atrocity any more.

The Jonas Brothers want to be in Twilight 2. Bingo.

One of the biggest letdowns about Twilight for us – apart from the boring story, the creepy pro-conservative agenda, the direction, the acting, the lighting, the makeup, the setting, the title screen, the costumes and the constant bloody Robert Pattinson with his stupid hair and funny accent and “Blah blah blah, look at me, I’m Robert Pattinson, I’m so great” - was the soundtrack.

Because while Paramore are good – no, actually we take that back. Paramore are terrible. Paramore are the worst band in history. We’d rather listen to a zoo burn down than listen to Paramore – they weren’t a great fit for the Twilight audience. True, they nailed Twilight’s penchant for toothless emo and religious flag-waving, but the people who saw Twilight were all screaming irrational 14-year-old female dingbats, and Paramore just didn’t reflect that.

But you know who does? The Jonas Brothers, that’s who.

As part of their evil plan to gain total cultural omnipotence despite being a gaggle of oddly-eyebrowed virgins, The Jonas Brothers have decided that they want to join the likes of Dakota Fanning and that weedy werewolf chap in playing a part in Twilight 2. Even though, you know, none of them have actually seen Twilight. MTV reports:

“The movie was obviously a huge success, and if they asked us to be a part of [the sequel], that would be great,” Nick Jonas said. “It would be really cool.” “That would be really cool,” agreed Joe and Kevin. [But] before they can do much more “New Moon” campaigning, the chart-topping trio still need to actually sit down and watch “Twilight.” “I haven’t seen it,” Joe admitted. “But I have heard it’s a great movie.”

Genius. The Jonas Brothers want to be in Twilight 2 even though they haven’t got a clue what it’s about. That’s actually incredible. In fact, why stop there? We want to see The Jonas Brothers offer to write songs for other films they haven’t seen just because they happen to be popular, too. By the end of the year we want to see Paul Blart: Mall Cop, The Dark Knight, There Will Be Blood, Last Tango In Paris, Emmanuelle vs. Dracula and Faces Of Death all re-released on DVD featuring a soundtrack exclusively made up of shiny-faced Jonas Brothers pop songs.

Oh, we’re just kidding. The Jonas Brothers would be a wonderful fit for Twilight 2. They all already look a bit like angst-ridden werewolves as it is, plus the sound of their Grammy duet with Stevie Wonder is a million times more frightening than anything we’ve ever heard in a horror movie.

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Ours was the Jonas Brothers/ Stevie Wonder duet. No, of course we’re joking here – watching a gang of pubeless bumstreaks like the Jonas Brothers and what appeared to be a morbidly obese sealion huff and screech their way through Stevie Wonder’s Superstition was the dictionary definition of unbearable. Honestly, you’d need to be a monumental cockhammer to enjoy something as clearly abhorrent as that.

Incidentally, the Jonas Brothers have called the duet ‘perfect’. We’re just going to leave it at that, we think.

The Jonas Brothers have had quite the year. This time in 2008, nobody who counts really knew who any of them were, but look at them now – one of them isn’t having sex with a girl whose eyebrows clearly weigh twice as much as she does, they’re getting to make spectacularly awful-sounding films and they’re even being invited to the White House. Not bad for a gaggle of virgin wolfmen who have to tolerate Miley Cyrus for a living.

But they needed a cherry to put on their cake. And, if possible, a great big blind creatively-spent cherry. Which, funnily enough, is what the Jonas Brothers got during Sunday night’s Grammys, when they were asked to perform a duet of Superstition with Stevie Wonder himself. Now, before we go on, here’s a video of that duet…

Pick a word to describe what you’ve just seen. Clumsy? Awkward? Cringeworthy? Upsetting? The word that’s probably furthest from your mind at the moment is ‘perfect’. Not even if you like the Jonas Brothers would you describe their Grammy duet as ‘perfect’, because if you like the Jonas Brothers you’re statistically a remedial-level three-year-old and you haven’t got round to learning any two-syllable words yet.

But if you happen to be one of the Jonas Brothers and all of your objectivity has been blurred by fame and your fringe and your ridiculous eyebrows then, yes, maybe you would describe your hideous Grammy abortion as perfect. Which they’ve done, in fact. Reuters reports:

“I don’t think we would have wanted to perform with anyone else. I mean, there were stars in that room who we’d love to perform with, but that was such a perfect opportunity and a perfect collaboration.” “We walked away very, very happy,” added Kevin. “We were raised on Stevie Wonder and his music. We were blown away. To be at the Grammys for the first time performing with Stevie Wonder was awesome.”

OK, so the Jonas Brothers are wrong about the quality of their duet – gloriously, apocalyptically wrong in fact – but you can’t fault their enthusiasm. After all, as they say, they were brought up on Stevie Wonder. It’s just a shame that Stevie Wonder can’t reciprocate the praise.

After all, just look at Stevie Wonder. It’s pretty obvious that he wasn’t raised on anything other than great big wads of deep-fried cheese. Really, Stevie Wonder is very fat.

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We can’t breathe! Our favourite girl-haired, virgin popstars playing a concert? For free? This is totally like the best news ever! We should get there early – we want Kevin Jonas to look us right in the eye when we scream “ARRRGH! KEVINJONASILOVEYOU! ARRRGH!” at him during Lovebug!

Apparently The Jonas Brothers are playing their free concert to mark the inauguration of a man called Barack Obama, who’s like the new mayor or the world or something. But mainly – THE JONAS BROTHERS! OMG!!!

We should all be grateful that Barack Obama was voted as the next president of America, you know, because the inauguration parties are just going to be so much better.

We mean it. Do you know what the inauguration party would have involved if John McCain had been voted as president? Four hours of borderline-racist country music and a halfhearted rendition of Overdosin’ by Heidi Montag, that’s what.

But Barack Obama? His inauguration party is going to rule. Every single celebrity on the planet, from Diddy to Matt Damon to Pamela Anderson, wanted Barack Obama to be president – and even a few non-celebrities too (hello Meg Ryan!) – and, by the look of it, they’re all going to be playing shows to mark Obama’s first day.

So far Jay-Z, The Beastie Boys, Mary J Blige, Beyonce, Shakira, Mariah Carey, Alicia Keys, TI, Bruce Springsteen, U2, Usher, Nelly, T-Pain, Rufus Wainwright, Maroon 5, Rihanna, the surviving members of The Beatles, Mozart’s brain in a jar and the man who invented the Birdseye Potato Waffle television jingle are all going to be playing inauguration shows in Washington for Barack Obama. But that raises just one question – what about the kids?

What about the kids indeed. Just because they’re too young to be a part of – or even fully understand – the process of democracy, the children of America need to celebrate Obama’s victory as well, because they are the future of America. They are the future of America and they need to be given a dedicated show that’ll commemorate that fact in as lofty and momentous terms as can be humanly possible.

Or, failing that, The Jonas Brothers will just wiggle their hair at them until they start involuntarily urinating down themselves. People reports:

The Presidential Inaugural Committee announced Tuesday that the pop-rock trio will headline the Kids’ Inaugural: We Are the Future concert, which honors military families, on Jan. 19 at the Verizon Center. The Jonas Brothers will perform along with Miley Cyrus and her dad Billy Ray, Bow-Wow and Demi Lovato during a kid-friendly show hosted by Michelle Obama.

In many ways, The Jonas Brothers performing a show to mark the inauguration of President Obama is a genius idea – it’s a touching gesture to the generation that will now look to Malia and Sasha Obama as role-models. In fact, The Jonas Brothers are playing this show because they’re Malia and Sasha’s second-favourite band. Their first-favourite band – Swedish black metal combo Satanic Slaughter – unfortunately had prior commitments.

However, at least by playing this concert The Jonas Brothers are marking their place in history. Now, when future generations ask you “Do you remember when the first African-American president was appointed into office?” you can reply “Yes I do. It was the day after that concert that was so awful it made me want to take my own life.” Happy days.

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However, Taylor Swift doesn’t quite see it like that. Taylor was dumped by a Jonas brother last month, and she’s reacted as any normal 18-year-old girl would – by making an internet video that slags him off, by doing radio interviews that slag him off and by sort of claiming that all the angry songs on her new album are about what a turd he is.

Joe Jonas – for those of you who are able to distinguish between the Jonas Brothers and happen to inexplicably care enough to need to know which one dumped Taylor Swift, who we’re presuming you know as well – has yet to respond to Taylor Swift’s vitriol yet. Or maybe he has. To be honest we don’t care enough to find out.

Would anyone mind telling us how The Jonas Brothers suddenly got so famous? All we know about them is that they’re making a film about a trumping dog, they all have haircuts that are so ridiculous they border on illegal and the nearest any of them have ever got to a set of female genitals was once six years ago years ago when they accidentally got too close to a butcher’s window and one of them fainted.

But thanks to their music, film and TV work and the fact that Russell Brand mocked their virginity at a recent awards show, The Jonas Brothers are big business. Such big business, in fact, that it makes the news if one of them splits up with a girl. Even if we don’t really know who that girl is.

Which is good news, because we really don’t know who Taylor Swift is, either. Apparently she’s some sort of infant country singer or something. But, anyway, the important thing is that Joe Jonas split up with Taylor Swift last month, and in retaliation Taylor Swift has made it her mission to blurt out as many barely-veiled references to him in public as possible, as The Chicago Tribune reports:

On Ryan Seacrest’s radio show Wednesday, the country star revealed that she penned the tune “Always and Forever” about their October split. In a new video on her MySpace page, she pokes a little fun at Jonas, who reportedly dumped her over the phone. Holding up the “Camp Rock” Joe doll, she says, “See, this one even comes with a phone, so he can break up with other dolls!”

Well that’s just nasty. We don’t know what the lyrical content of this new Taylor Swift song is, but since other songs on her forthcoming album include What Kind Of Arsehole Splits Up With A Girl On The Phone, You’re An Embarrassing Virgin, Nobody Wants To Go And See A Film About A Stupid Farting Dog and Joe Jonas: Pigfucker, we can’t assume that it’s very positive.

And if, like us, you’re having trouble visualising the enormity of Joe Jonas dumping Taylor Swift, why not do what we did and imagine that it’s a couple you’ve heard of who split up instead. Is that helping? No? Yeah, you’re right. Screw it.

You might not think so now, but you will. Because if it wasn’t for the box office success of High School Musical 3, then there’s isn’t a chance in hell that God-bothering tweenypop virgins The Jonas Brothers would be allowed to make a movie entitled Walter The Farting Dog, about a fat dog named Walter who farts a lot.

But they are. The Jonas Brothers are making a movie called Walter The Farting Dog, based on a successful range of children’s books. We can only pray that The Jonas Brother make Walter The Farting Dog a success, because that will inevitably lead to the most perfect movie of all time – Miley Cyrus in an adaptation of Ingrid The Diarrhetic Menstruating Monkey.

The Jonas Brothers are possibly the biggest band in the world at the moment; a feat they’ve achieved with their timeless mix of classic pop exuberance, giant Teenwolf haircuts and drastic, a near-rabid aversion to female ladyparts.

And, thanks to their new-found fame, The Jonas Brothers can pretty much do whatever they want. They get to have complete creative control over everything they do, whether it’s singing a song about holding a girl’s hand or singing a song about just being friends with a girl or – if they’re feeling really crazy and experimental – singing a song about providing a platonic emotional crutch for a girl in their hour of relative need.

Yup, short of actually growing a single baby-sized human testicle between the three of them, The Jonas Brothers can do whatever the hell they like. So it’s just a shame that what they’d really like to do is make a film entitled Walter The Farting Dog. MTV reports:

Based on a best-selling series of books,  it follows the story of Nick, Joe and Kevin Jonas, along with their younger brother Frankie, who’ll play musicians who are asked to care for a fat dog with severe flatulence. While his brothers play music, Frankie Jonas and the dog get involved in a plot that involves liberating a koi fish and thwarting jewel thieves.

We’ll withhold judgement over Walter The Farting Dog until, well, until forever. It’s not actually like we’re ever going to see the titting thing, is it?

But, given The Jonas Brothers’ fast rise to prominence in the worlds of pop music and ill-advised ideological, slightly fearmongerish virginity, it’s a forgone conclusion that Walter The Farting Dog will make them even more famous than they already are now.

Maybe so famous, in fact, that one of The Jonas Brothers will follow Tween Law and end up getting pregnant with an older boy they go to church with. The smart money’s on Nick. We hear he’s diabetic.

As the host of the MTV VMA awards, it was Russell Brand’s job to gee up the audience and remind everyone about the awe-inspiring spectacle they were witnessing. That’s technically not what Russell Brand did, though – what he did was slag off all virgins for being rubbish and then get shouted down by a tubby virgin from American Idol for it.

But it’s OK, because The Jonas Brothers – the virgin pioneers, the virgins that all other virgins aspire to be, the virgins that Russell Brand spent most of the MTV VMAs mocking for their preposterous purity rings – have forgiven Russell Brand for his comments about them. Which might make them seem like the bigger men, but let’s not forget – they are virgins, so they’re definitely not.

We thought we had this tween pop thing nailed, you know. All you need to do is get a pretty-looking teenage girl, make her sing a bunch of wholesome pop songs about how special everyone is if they believe in themselves and then act all surprised when they inevitably take all their clothes off on the internet.

But no, apparently some of these tweeny-poppers actually take the idea of virginity pretty seriously. So seriously, in fact, that they’ve taken to wearing purity rings to show the world that they’re never ever having sex until they’re married. Ever. Presumably this is because their religious beliefs are stronger than their desire for physical intimacy, and also because they all love On Chesil Beach by Ian McEwan so much that they want to reenact it word for messy word one day.

Given the prevalence of this chastity movement at the moment, it seems a little odd that the man picked to host the most purity-ringish MTV VMAs in history was Russell Brand – a man so constantly lust-demented that he can actually get people pregnant just by saying their name out loud three times in a row.

And when the unstoppably horny force of Russell Brand collided with the immovably chaste object of a bunch of teenage virgins at the MTV VMAs, there was only ever going to be one outcome. That came when, after Russell Brand had dedicated the majority of his airtime to ridiculing the purity rings worn by anaemic genital-free catalogue model virgins The Jonas Brothers, Jordin Sparks from American Idol told him off, saying that not everyone was a slut.

Which is definitely true – there are plenty of famous teenage girls who definitely aren’t sluts. Jamie Lynn Spears isn’t a slut, for example, and nor is Bristol Palin. True, that’s because they’re either too busy looking after their newborn baby or getting so swollen and pregnant-looking that no boys will go near them to be sluts, but that doesn’t matter.

But, just as it looked like Russell Brand had flushed his chances of American success down the toilet forever with his controversial anti-virgin stance, The Jonas Brothers have ridden to the rescue and forgiven him, noting that he did mumble a half-hearted semi-sincere apology under his breath at the end of the night. They told Radio 1:

“For us it’s cool to see that he recognises we are gentleman. …I think he did a good job. We saw him on Conan O’Brien and thought he was hilarious.”

And with that everything was OK again. Russell Brand has emerged from the MTV VMAs as a kind of rebel anti-hero, The Jonas Brothers have shown that they can be courteous even though they’re essentially rubbish virgins and – thanks to Miley Cyrus‘ continued use of a purity ring – a whole generation of American teenage girls will continue to believe that they can roll around on boys’ laps in their underwear, go topless for glossy magazines and take photos of themselves in the shower and God’s basically cool with it so long as nobody sticks anything up anyone else.

We love a happy ending.

As if covering the near-endless slew of nearly naked pictures of a 15-year-old isn’t bad enough, now the media feels compelled to report on the fact that two 15-year-olds used to go out with each other. For a bit. And young Hannah Montana has gone and told us all about it. And hecklerspray apparently feels the need to talk about it.

If there was an ounce of dignity left in the world, this ‘news’ is surely the swansong for that poor little blighter. It never stood a chance.

Yet there it is, splashed all over the entertainment press: “Miley Cyrus: Breaking Up With Nick Jonas Was Hard” or the much more tempting: “Miley Cyrus: ‘Maybe I’ll End Up Marrying Nick Jonas’” – every publication getting in its own two cents on the matter, covering a two year relationship between two very young teenagers.

And this is news. That people want to read.

Can someone wake us up from the medically-enforced coma we’re about to put ourselves in when the world stops being so clinically insane, thanks.

You can understand the thinking behind the story when you go to its source – it comes from a magazine called ‘Seventeen’, the type aimed at young teenage girls. Miley Cyrus is sure to be something of a hero to these girls and her talking about a relationship she was in – one that went wrong no less – is sure to give her kudos with the whole ‘relatability’ angle. Fair enough.

There was even a quote from Miley herself talking about it, and it’s just as flowing and eloquent as you would expect from a tweeny prat like her:

“[Nick and I] became boyfriend and girlfriend the day we met. He was on a quest to meet me, and he was like, ‘I think you’re beautiful and I really like you.’ And I was like, ‘Oh, my gosh, I like you so much.’”

If that’s not enough pure, distilled fact in your face for you then don’t worry – she went on:

“Nick and I loved each other. We still do, but we were in love with each other. For two years he was basically my 24/7. But it was really hard to keep it from people. We were arguing a lot, and it really wasn’t fun.”

Why in the name of all that isn’t awful in this world (an ever-decreasing amount of things) does she think she’s anything other than just a kid? Why is she spouting pseudo-psychological bullshit akin to that coming from a 35-year-old career divorcee? Why can’t she just shut up and get on with her dancing?

And, probably most importantly: why in the name of all that is considered right, moral and not-at-all-stupid-and-pointless was this re-reported on anything approaching the ‘adult’ media? Surely anyone that actually wants to read this stuff is a little bit weird, and probably the kind of person that shouldn’t be allowed to look at kids in the first place?

But hey – as always, we can’t blame the media, because it’s the plebs out there that shape the way they report, and if there weren’t a market for it, they sure as hell wouldn’t print it.

It appears to be yet another pile of this overbearing cynicism that was all too apparent in the Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt kid’s photos story, and frankly it annoys us this early in the morning.

Hopefully we can go back to some light-hearted character assassination later today, but for now hecklerspray will just sit, stewing, trying to hold back the chunks of bile-encrusted rage-vomit from hitting the screen or staining the desk.

Oh, and: good morning!