When Demi Lovato split from Joe Jonas, it all started going wrong. She ended up suicidal, self harming, developing an eating disorder and in rehab. It was pretty gruesome really, seeing as she was only about six years old or something.

We might have that completely wrong. We can’t tell these young stars apart. However, she had one person she could rely on – Colombian footballing legend Carlos Valderrama.

Recent reports noted that the pair were romantically involved, but alas, before we could all thrill at such an amazing union, it’s believed the couple have now ended their relationship.

So what makes us think they were a thing? Well, some cryptic messages that Lovato has posted on her Twitter profile have clanged clues our way.

The first of the messages was a re-tweet of somebody else posting a Marilyn Monroe quote:

“A wise girl kisses but doesn’t love, listens but doesn’t believe, and leaves before she is left.”

She followed this up with a message of her own:

“The smartest thing a woman can ever learn, is to never need a man.”

The flame haired footballing genius, Carlos Valderrama has recently been spotted partying with Joe Jonas and they reportedly spent the first weekend of January 2012 at Beacher’s madhouse in Hollywood.

Maybe this could’ve been the cause of Valderrama and Lovato’s split? Maybe it was the presence of Rene Higuita, the erratic ex-con Colombian goalkeeping eccentric?

Or maybe Carlos wouldn’t shut up about his time spent playing for Montpellier?

Wait. What?

Demi Lovato was going out with Wilmer Valderrama from That 70s Show? Really? REALLY? And we’re supposed to care about that?

Wilmer may be a pretty cool name but it’s nothing compared to Carlos’ hair! Seriously! We were supposed to care about Wilmer Valderrama?

There is a definite trend of companies recycling their expensive adverts of yesteryear in order to save themselves a bit of cash. To be honest, there isn’t a lot we can say as a criticism of that. Times are tough and if your product hasn’t changed very much then why bother going to the effort of making a whole new advert to extoll the exact same virtues.

While there’s nothing wrong with it on the face of it, some ads remind us that they were completely awful in the first place and, like last week, we’re looking into the murky, sugar-loaded world of soft drinks.

Are they a bargain? ‘Cause everyone loves a bargain, and don’t try to pretend that you don’t. There is evidence to suggest that we are more likely to buy things if they are on some kind of offer, be it ‘buy one get one free’, ‘two for the price of one’ or ‘buy six and get thirty free pictures of stick-men in various sexual positions’.

However sometimes getting two for the price of one isn’t as good as it may seem.

Take this prime example from Fanta:

Let’s not waste too much time on this. Why are these cuddly cartoon characters partying it up with Fanta? Fanta with no alcohol in it. Perhaps it’s a very British attitude to have but alcohol is party juice. We’ve never had a sip of Fanta and felt compelled to crowdsurf, unless it was to crowdsurf to the Coca Cola Company’s HQ and tell them that it doesn’t taste as good as it used to and ask them if they’ve tried Orangina.

Still. Perhaps this ad will teach us the best way to recover from awkward social situations at parties. This las recovers using mime as a form of modern dance. MIME! If you used mime as a method of recovering from an embarrassing door-face-interaction you’d be laughed out of that party into the waiting arms of a junkie who would promise to take you back in time to 1936 when that move was cool.

Boys don’t like to be phantom-lassoed. Just a hint there, ladies.

Demographically, the first part of the advert is confusing. This party infested by Bieber/Jonas-ites (similarity to parasites withstanding) who don’t want to drink or have crazy sex at a party but just stand around and drink Fanta. Who’s the demographic for this advert? Is it only being shown on the Disney channel?

We thought that this train of thought might peter out but then we popped on to Fanta’s official website and saw The Fantanas; a girl band manufactured to sing songs about the beautiful taste of Fanta.

Is it too much to hope that Miley Cyrus and Demi Lovato will be sharpening their bitch-sticks and trimming their mullets ready for some kind of gimp-pop showdown with these girls? Coming to Disney Channel Pay-Per-View soon!

Still, let’s move onto the tagline, shall we?

“MORE FANTA. LESS SERIOUS.”

More Fanta, less serious is the entire tag to this advert. Less serious about fun, less serious about taste, less serious about music, less serious about styles of dancing that aren’t entirely anachronistic, less serious about advertising.

Possibly the thing that irks us the most is the fact that it’s not over yet.

You probably don’t want to buy a bottle of Fanta yet so let’s have an entirely different advert with an entirely different feel. Why they did this, no-one knows, but we can only imagine that the graphics people were on a roll and just launched straight into a new advert.

They’ve taken the most boring situation possible, some kind of lecture where the lecturer stands in silence, reading the latest Dan Brown novel and ignoring the class. They’re bored of the lazy, untalented writing style which oozes from the page like a noxious gas. This putrid, useless pile of paper is scarcely worthy of propping open the door of this classroom. The door through which the class are about to rush out of into the Friday sun to their friends and Fanta and a complete lack of fun or entertainment.

The clock dings (helpfully, it says Friday so it saves you having to climb inside the television and consult a calendar) and suddenly the room is transformed into a club. A club. It’s 5 o’clock on a Friday! Go home and get changed. Have some dinner or something! Responsible drinking kids. Drinking Fanta in excess will make you all gassy.

“GRAB A TASTE OF FRIDAY.”

Answer us this, ladies and gentlemen. Does Fanta taste like Friday? Just because it’s alliterative? Of course it doesn’t. For a start, we’ve seen one of these things on a Tuesday. What are they saying to us?

“You still have most of the week to get through before you’ll be able to lick any surface and it will taste like Fanta! Ha!”

How dare they.

What’s a true taste of Friday? Revomitted vodka. Get to work, people.

Remember the halcyon days when Westlife were a five-piece. They all looked so perfect in photographs with their highlighted curtains and work-sweaters from River Island. They really were the most refreshing thing to get off a stool in pop since GG Allin.

Then, the band went all off-balance when, unfathomably, Brian McFadden decided to go ‘indie’, which actually meant growing a bit of a beard, wearing a parka and… well… still peddling turgid, plodding pop music. Westlife, of course, continued doing exactly the same as before (which actually means, ‘doing as they were told’) and set about becoming the most earnest entertainers in the history of mankind.

BUT WAIT! Is McFadden going to rejoin Westlife? Have they seen Robbie’s reunion with Take That and thought ‘Hey! That’s a really clever, cynical marketing ploy to shift a few more tickets and albums! Provided Brian doesn’t do that rape song…’?

When a boyband runs out of ideas, it is a good idea to trade on the vague drama they’ve had in their career.

This usually manifests itself in a song about how much they’ve grown up, complete with a black and white montage video of all the members, complete with slightly embarrassing footage of them starting out and slo-mo screaming fans in a stadium somewhere (usually South America to show just how popular they are worldwide).

Sadly, most boybands are completely soap-opera free. In Take That’s case, they are an actual band, so the slightly pretentious documentaries, scandals and reunions are as close to the real deal as supposedly more credible rock bands. In the case of Westlife, they’ve simply forged a career through tenacity. They simply refuse to go away. The closest thing to controversy is when doe-eye in chief, Shane Filan, responded to a potential McFadden reunion last year, when he said:

“I don’t think it’s even remotely interesting if Brian came back”

That’s almost an opinion! That’s definitely the closest thing Westlife have ever gotten to trouble. Naturally, that thinking has been swept under the rug now. The crease has been ironed out. There’s no need for Westlife to be even remotely interesting. Shane now says:

“I look up to bands like Take That who are the best out there and it was good to see them put the past behind them and move on by having Robbie back.”

“I’d never rule out Brian coming back because there never was a bad patch with him. Brian was great with fans. I definitely think some day it would be great fun to sing with Brian again.”

See? How staggeringly uninteresting is that? We hoped for ‘we’d reluctantly take him back… he was a prize weapon just before he left and he’s got some serious apologising to do… mainly for that gaspingly peculiar chin he’s got.’ But no. Everything is lovely and beige in the Westlife garden. How bloody wonderful.

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Delta Goodrem is a singer. Now, you may find that patronising, but we thought you might need reminding as it would appear she’s only famous for having cancer and being dim enough to see Brian McFadden as a suitable mate.

Of course, once McFadden had released his date-rape classic, ‘Just The Way You Are’ (listen here if you missed it), it didn’t take Goodrem long to bin the former Westlifer off.

And now, much to screaming girls annoyance, Goodrem has been spotted out and about holding hands with crooning clone Nick Jonas.

The biggest scandal for anyone who remotely cares about this tedious union is the age gap between the two singers.

Basically, Delta Goodrem is 26 years old and Nick Jonas recently celebrated his tenth birthday where he received gifts from his singing brothers, such as a singing Justin Bieber toothbrush and some He-Man figures.

Apparently, this gasping duo have developed a close relationship while recording obviously awful tracks for Delta’s new album in LA earlier in the year. And now, they’ve been spotted sloping off for a romantic evening of necking on the back row of the Arclight Cinema.

Amusingly, Delta has been rumoured to have had an affair with ‘work colleague’ while going out with Brian McFadden. We asked the heckler magic 8-ball if the ‘work colleague’ was Nick Jonas and it initially said ‘No’, but we shook it a few times ’til it said ‘All signs point to yes’.

So there you have it. It is definitely on.

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White cliffs of Dover-haired, auto-tune fiends John and Edward have taken the time to point out the cripplingly obvious fact they must be celibate. ‘Jedward’ who, until recently, were conjoined twins connected by the vocal chords have stated in an interview that they have taken a vow of celibacy.

Members of their female fan base, the twins revealed their desire to keep their pale cocks in their pants in an interview with GT magazine. The Irish twins insisted that they won’t be taking advantage of their groupies because sex is strictly off limits; clearly ignoring the fact that most of their fans are too young to give a good porking to in the first instance.

The pair were said to have taken their vow in front of their proud parents and a presumably furiously masturbating Louis Walsh who managed to turn toward an intern just at the moment of orgasm, otherwise that couple of seconds would probably have been the focus of the news story.

The pair said, in the disturbing unison of The Shining twins:

‘We know all these girls but we can’t go out with them because it’d be a huge press story,’

It’s true. Anyone who is willing to insult Jedward musically should look to themselves and realise that Jedward have no time to practice singing or not coming across as having horrific brain injuries on Twitter as they devote all their time to getting to know their fans personally. That’s commendable, even by us.

The dynamic duo (named for their resemblance to the high-camp of 1966′s Batman film) also told GT that they don’t even mind if this raises speculation about their sexuality…

‘It happened to Justin Timberlake, Justin Bieber, the Jonas Brothers,’ they point out.

‘You’ve got to realise what comes with being in the public eye.

‘We don’t mind if people call us gay; it’s not a big deal. We like girls.’

That’s fine. What did you expect us to say? Oh, right. You were expecting us to laugh at them and imply that they enjoy the company of young men or Louis Walsh, weren’t you? Of course not. That’s insanity. What the boys and their esteemed interviewer have clearly not understood is that it is abstinence which means that you won’t engage in the sexual touch of any other (or yourself, depending on how self-flagellating you are) while celibacy in its traditional sense means that one is refraining from marriage.

Given how rehearsed most interviews in the celebrity world are, we would imagine that Jedward’s publicity people knew exactly what they meant. Thank god they have a fall back for when the ‘JEDWARD IN HORSE ORGY’ story breaks on hecklerspray in a few months.

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Demi Lovato may well be a young, tender and impressionable woman, but we can all take great joy in her having personal issues because she worked for Disney and it is completely fine to mock anyone who came through its ranks.

Why? Don’t ask us. We didn’t make the rules. Like Blue Peter presenters, if they’re to be roundly hooted at when they balls-up in life.

And so, Lovato’s anguish of what she described as a “nervous breakdown” may well be upsetting normally, the fact that she’s Mickey Mouse’s spawn makes the whole thing rather hilarious! SHE WANTED TO DIE! HAHAHA! WHAT A HOOT!

Even more amusing is that Lovato’s parents were so concerned about their starlet daughter’s well-being, that they needed to stage an intervention!

IMAGINE! HAHAHA! HOW FALL DOWN FUNNY!

The young star was treated in rehab for ‘emotional and physical issues’ in November after she promptly went about attacking one of her dancers while on tour with The Jonas Brothers. The only thing we see wrong there is that she didn’t attack The Jonas Brothers.

Either way, this PANT WETTING breakdown was coupled with a OOH STOP IT MY SIDES ARE HURTING FROM LAUGHING eating disorder, leaving Lovato with the most uproarious, mirth inducing battle with her self image, ever!

WAIT! WHAT’S THIS? WE CAN BARELY CONTAIN OUR GUFFAWS! She’s apparently been self-harming as well!

Lovato says:

“I basically had a nervous breakdown.”

“I was really bad off. My parents and my manager pulled me aside and said, “You need to get some help.” It was an intervention. I wanted freedom from the inner demons. I wanted to start my life over.”

HAHAHA! HOW BRILLIANTLY FUNNY!

And now, in a move that will see us referring to her as a mewing, self-worthing tit, she’s teamed up with some people to help young women to tackle self-esteem issues, fronting the ‘Love is Louder Than The Pressure to Be Perfect’ campaign.

YEAH! WHATEVER! DO A SUICIDE BID OR SOMETHING!

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Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene have, crushingly, called time on their romance. What will us plebs aspire to now in matters of the heart. For here, we lie jaded, broken and listlessly twitching on our knees, wondering if true love even exists anymore.

It is gone, blown away on a cruel, tender breeze along with our hopes which are fading like the last lingering flickers of the day as the sun sets in all of our hearts.

And Joe Jonas (who may or may not be pictured right, we’ve no idea which clone we’ve featured) is totally not a great big gay. Okay? He’s not. He’s really not a massive gay. Just to clear that up.

The singing Clonas has been trying to insert as many fingers as humanly possible up the groin of the Twilight actress since summer have reportedly split. We say ‘reportedly’ in case they change their minds, which they won’t because some spokespeople have confirmed the news.

Libel law is almost as stupid as your average Twilight fan.

Anyway, Greene, who will be starring as chaste emo vampire Alice Cullen in the final film in the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, went public with Whichever Clonas we’re currently talking about last autumn and were reportedly spotted ‘being affectionate in Disneyland’.

In case you didn’t know, ‘being affectionate’ means penetration and ‘Disneyland’ means ‘anus’.

A source, who we don’t actually care if they’re reliable or not, says:

“He thinks she is down-to-earth and absolutely beautiful. He hasn’t been this into a girl in a long time”

See? As many fingers as humanly possible. The ‘Disney’ area.

So. They’ve split up and junk. We’ll set up a helpline for you snivelling wimps who can’t process this obviously awful news and mock you ’til you snap out of it.

Okay?

Oh, and Joe Jonas is definitely not a young gay man who likes kissing gay men on the lips and Disneyland. Definitely not. Absolutely, definitely not a gay.

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Despite technically being her biological father, Billy-Ray has always seemed to have been a sort of peripheral figure in the life of Miley Cyrus. We, like most people, just assumed that this squealing, garishly coloured infant that was thrust onto our screens/music charts/cinemas/nightmares a few years ago was grown organically in one of Disney’s many factories, like all teen stars. Possibly incubated in pork render, agar, MSG, and ‘fairy dust’ (which is the trademarked term they use for the last remaining precious spoonfuls of Uncle Walts ejaculate, apparently).

So imagine our surprise when we learnt that it was none other than the combination of the by product of a faux cowboy’s testicles and a genuine human woman’s warm embracing vagina that were contracted out to design and produce her. Under the aegis of the Disney corporation, obviously (probably).

Because of this embarrassing start to life, Miley has tried to distance herself from the biological process that marks her out from the rest of Disney and shown almost no emotional response to her ‘parents’. Until now.

Not only has see been shown demonstrating an emotion, she is apparently ‘furious’. This shows us three things.

1. That she has clearly broken free of her handler

2. That Disney has seen fit to upgrade her ‘demonstrable human emotion chip’ to level II

3. The teasing she must already get from the unbiologically grown Disney properties is just going to get worse. Seriously, you’d never get this level of emotion from good Disney children like the Jonas Brothers.

So what did her (technical) father do? Only gave a bloody interview to GQ where he wheezed out that he:

blamed the Disney series for “destroying” his family and causing his daughter to “go off the track”

The track he is referring to is probably where she started singing ‘Warpigs’ in the middle of ‘Can’t Be Tamed’ during a live performance in Berlin. Either that or all the druggy revelations, and the tattoo, and the racisty slurs, and the lap dance, and the nude photos. All that stuff.

All of which was of course Disney’s fault.

She’s clearly malfunctioning and needs to be taken back to the Disney upgrade center where she can be stripped and given a complete overhaul, cleaned, undrugged pipes, a new purity chip, the whole works.

Basically, they need to give her a complete doing over and stick their large manly tools in every available socket until she’s drained and helpless and possibly gasping for more.

Normally, we’d apologise for the double entendre there, but you know what? Sod it, she’s legal. Go nuts.

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Imagine, if you will, two people going on a date which involves sushi. Of course, your first thought is that, provided they’re not Japanese, they should probably be strung-up or lamped with a bat of some kind.

That aside, the news that people are on a date which involves food isn’t too Earth shattering is it?

Well, you haven’t heard the story of Ashley Greene and Joe Jonas dropping in for a late-night meal in Baton Rouge which ended up killing over three-thousand people. No, honestly.

In one of the most shocking celebrity stories of the year, the Twilight star and chastity prone singing gimp, accidentally saw to the death of thousands of people while slowly chewing food.

One of the managers at the Ichiban restaurant says:

“They were really friendly. They just walked in, sat down, and the word started going around that they were here.”

In a callous move on the couple’s part, they purposefully didn’t ask for a private room or special treatment.

“Everyone in the restaurant knew who they were. They were definitely there together, as a couple.”

“The kitchen crew and wait staff were excited to see them. Some of them stayed late because they were hoping to get their picture.”

Greene and Jonas waited around and posed for pictures… and this is when the trouble started.

Startled by a flash from a camera, Greene fell backward into a huge ornamental brass urn. Jonas lamely tried to catch her before she fell. However, inside the brass fixture was cleaning fluid, designed to take away the scum from the inside. While Jonas leapt to help, he sent a penis shaped candle tumbling to the floor, which set alight to the fluid in the urn, setting fire to the whole restaurant.

Sadly, at the time, outside the restaurant, a huge crowd had gathered. Sadly, because it was mainly made up of young teens who watch Twilight, there was a lot of hairspray, which immediately caught fire, sending screaming youths running into the street with their heads on fire.

Greene and Jonas looked on helplessly because they only know how to pose for photographs when not plying their respective arts. No-one was quick witted enough to tell Ashley Greene that she should pretend to be a firewoman hero. Instead, mutated, scorched hands still pawed at the now trembling actress, asking for autographs.

Then, and you could see this coming, Baton Rouge’s famous ‘Lake Of Oil’ caught fire, killing two thousand in nearby woodland (there was a meeting of the Illuminati and their giant wicker owl only provided more fuel for the blaze, along with the wispy pubes and dried out skin of various politicians and world-leaders).

And of course, we made all this up because the story was this: Two people ate something. The end.

God. We hate slow news days.

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It doesn’t matter if you’re a vaguely famous human, you’re still a human. That means you’re still prone to being an unreasonable, ratty, snarky prick. Take troubled Disney star (we’re legally obliged to say that every time we mention her name) Demi Lovato for example. She’s been acting like a tool after being dumped by a Jonas Brother.

She sent a bitchy email, probably flooding her keyboard with mascara filled fluid, to her ex-Joe Jonas’ current beau Ashley Greene.

Apparently, Lovato was so pissed-off by the Clone-ass Brother’s decision to date Ashley Greene and… well… his decision to flaunt her and rub Lovato’s nose in it like forcing a puppy’s face in its own excrement when it makes a mess of the new rug, that she fired off what has been described as “a very nasty e-mail” to Greene.

Allegedly, Lovato was thunderously angry for…

“stealing her boyfriend and parading him around with him on tour.”

If you recall (which you won’t. That’s why we’re here. We remember all this crap to regurgitate it back to you as context for pointless drivelling stories like this), Jonas invited Greene along on the Camp Rock 2 tour, which Lovato was also performing on. Lovato then mysteriously jacked the tour in and went mental.

So this is a tale of a mad girl sniping at a happy couple? Not quite. See, Greene decided to poke glass in the open sores by responding in kind.

It is reported that an email was sent to Lovato of Greene and The Jonas Brother together looking really happy and junk. If she was really nasty, she would have been cradling a Jonas ballbag while holding a crudely made sign saying “Remember these? They’re mine now – you insane witch!”

Instead, it is more likely that the email said “LEAVE US ALONE!”

Of course, at the start of this month, Lovato entered a rehab facility for “emotional and physical issues,” after allegedly getting into a physical altercation with someone called Alex “Shorty” Welch. He’s a backup dancer on the Camp Rock tour.

Ladies and gents! We might just have a new mentalist to fill the boots on Lindsay Lohan, should she decide to clean her act up. Sounds like Lovato is a real-deal nutjob, unlike Taylor Momsen who is merely playing at it while parading her brattishness around (or, as they’re known normally, ‘tits’).

Come on Demi! We want more nutso action from you! Kill someone! Take drugs! Saw a leg off! Our helplessly pointless and empty lives are depending on you!

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Demi Lovato is something of a troubled star. For a kick-off, she’s religious. Secondly, she went out with one of the Jonas Brothers. It is little wonder that she ended up getting treatment for ‘emotional and physical issues’. A god-fearing woman who dry-humped with one of the most boring humans ever to walk the Earth. Poor lamb.

Still, at least she can take solace from the fact that people would like to give her money to bare her genitals.

That’s right. One company who deal in bongo films have made Lovato a most curious offer. Basically, they’re willing to pay for something that doesn’t exist. Presumably, that means we can all have non-existent wanks then?

Lovato, who was in Camp Rock, should you be staring at her face and wondering who the shitting crikey she is, has the opportunity to pocket $100,000 once she gets out of rehab… provided she signs over the rights to the sex tape that doesn’t exist.

Let it be on record that hecklerspray have a non-existent sex tape featuring all the writers wriggling around in each other’s debasery and muck and are completely willing to sign over the rights to it for anything in the region of 80 pence upwards.

Anyway, TMZ have obtained a letter from the kindly souls at Pornhub who are offering Demi the chance to be featured on their site.

The letter says:

“You don’t have to star with male talent, we are willing to accept a solo or Girl-Girl scene just as long as it’s shot in HD.”

The chances of an American Christian who nearly held-hands with a Jonas being in a video involving any sort of sexy sexiness at all is slim, let alone her getting off with a girl or having a leaky solo-bang. If those videos did exist, then you can be sure that they would close with God-fearing Demi weeping openly on her bed, praying for forgiveness and ringing up a priest for a quick exorcism.

In fairness, that would probably stick another $100,000 on the asking price for the tape. Which doesn’t exist.

Demi’s representatives have said:

“Perpetrating these completely unfounded rumors from supposed sources while Demi is in treatment dealing with serious physical and emotional issues is disgusting.”

“The sourcing on this report is so spotty that it is hard to fully respond.”

Who read spotty and thought of sickly genitals? Just us? Oh.

Still, the rumours abound about Lovato. Some people are claiming that Demi’s uncle Francisco kept people out of her dressing rooms and the like while she had sex inside… which is one of the more distressing images to flash through the celebrity gossip radar in 2010.

Demi’s rep, to paraphrase, says that this suggestion is a load of bollocks.

Anyway, nice to see that people are willing to offer money for tapes of private moments to someone while they’re in a treatment centre crying all the fluid from their body and wondering whether life is worth living.

Merry Christmas every one of us! Apart from Muslims, Hindus and anyone else who doesn’t believe in Christianity. Although not including those who don’t believe in Jesus, but like getting presents.

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Look, you don’t mess with Demi Lovato. You just don’t. In fact, you don’t mess with any tweeny Disney stars.

Vanessa Hudgens? No. Miley Cyrus? No, her face has seen things, you can tell. The Jonas Brothers? No, not unless you want to have your arse kicked by the full force of their furious three-way eyebrows/ virginity combo. But you really, really don’t want to mess with Demi Lovato.

You may recall that Demi Lovato recently went to rehab. Some suggested that this was because she was addicted to drugs. Some suggested that it was because she was addicted to alcohol. Some suggested that it was because she was addicted to purging ever meal she eats. But no. If the rumours are correct, then Demi Lovato is in rehab because she’s addicted to punching one dancer in the face once and then freaking out about it. Who knew?

In the league table of Disney tween poppets, Demi Lovato is way behind the likes of Miley Cyrus and Vanessa Hudgens. This is because she’s never posted pictures of herself naked or nearly-naked on the internet. True, she starred in Camp Rock with the Jonas Brothers, and she’s fairly well-known for definitely never having any sex with any of the Jonas Brothers whatsoever, but when the time came to further her career by taking photos of her naked body and leaking them onto the internet, she choked. And thus a potentially great career was snipped off before it could even begin.

A setback like that has to hurt a girl, so it was sad but not surprising when Demi Lovato recently wound up in rehab. After all, something has to be seriously wrong with you if you have to go to rehab. You have to be addicted to drugs. Or booze. Or sex which, as David Duchovny or Tiger Woods will tell you, is definitely a real addiction and not just something you make up when your wife catches you nobbing a slag. So which was it? Which of these awful addictions had Demi Lovato succumbed to?

Actually, none of them. If reports are true, then Demi Lovato is in rehab being treated for her addiction to punching a solitary dancer in the face one single time, because she thought that the dancer had blabbed about a secret party of hers. Which is apparently a genuine addiction that needs professional residential treatment now. CNN reports:

Lovato confronted a young dancer, whom she thought might have been the one to blame for telling on her. “There was a short, physical altercation,” says the source, adding that it was “one-sided.” “Afterwards, Demi felt awful about her behavior and realized she needed to take personal responsibility for it,” says the family source.

So there you have it. Demi Lovato is apparently in rehab because she might have punched someone. Look out for Demi’s next single, a cover of Amy Winehouse‘s Rehab that’s been rewritten to include the line “I tried to check myself into rehab/ They said ‘But Demi, you’re not even addicted to anything and rehab really isn’t the most suitable course of treatment for you. In fact, you’re basically making a mockery of the entire rehab system here, you gigantic bellend/ No no no’”.

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Remember the Jonas Brothers? Of course you do. Giant eyebrows. No sex before marriage. Possible lack of sex organs.

You remember. Anyway, the Jonas Brothers lost some of their mojo when Jonas Brother The Elder decided to get married. And now that his eyes have been opened to the exciting world of monthly, perfunctory, emotionally-distant, missionary-style sexual intercourse, the rest of the band have become a bit of an afterthought.

But at least Joe Jonas – or Middle Jonas as everyone knows him – has still got it. Why, Joe Jonas has just split up with Demi Lovato from Camp Rock. Thank God – maybe this’ll mark a return to the old swinging, carefree, Bacchanalian evenings of absolutely no sex that we’ve come to expect from him.

As one of the leading forces in sexless, big-eyebrowed, manipulative corporate pop, Joe Jonas gets his pick of girls. And he’s got a definite type, too – he’s previously been linked to the likes of Taylor Swift and Camilla Belle. That means if you’re sort of pretty but a bit dead behind the eyes and you generally look as if you’ve never had an original thought in your entire life, you’re in luck – you’re precisely the type of girl that Joe Jonas goes for.

In fact, you’re in double luck. Joe Jonas has just split up from Demi Lovato – the sort of pretty, dead behind the eyes star of Camp Rock who looks as if she’s never had an original thought in her entire life – so he’s on the rebound. Hooray! People reports:

Joe Jonas is back on the market! The singer, 20, and girlfriend Demi Lovato, 17, have called it quits, a source tells PEOPLE, but will still be hitting the road together this summer, starting July 27 in Dallas.

We’re heartbroken. Joe Jonas and Demi Lovato were made for each other. No, literally, they were actually made for each other – they were both injection-moulded at the same underground Disney plant and their hair was stolen from the same wailing Korean toddler. True story.

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When The Jonas Brothers first appeared onto the scene, our heart literally did three backwards somersaults and beat so fast we thought it might explode.

Keeping solid food down was also a challenge; anything that came in just flew back out of various holes. They didn’t make us just ZOMG or ZOMGZOMG, the crafty blighters gave a full whack of ZOMGZOMGZOMG heaven every time we saw their cutey pie faces.

But it seems that our ZOMG meter has now been lowered to the bog-standard rating of ‘OMG’ for The Jonas Brothers. As we all know, pesky midget twerp Justin Bieber has entered the frame and made an entire new generation of teenage girls moist for the first time. Capitalising on the opportunity to mock the people he’s overtaking, Bieber has thrown the first insult. Or he asked his mum to pass it over to The Jonas Brothers. It’s a few more years until they’ll be able to stay up past 8pm and watch explicit material such as Little Mo in EastEnders.

In a normal situation when two people are arguing, we can sometimes see the point of one person and defend the other. Sometimes, however, it’s different. Allow us to introduce Justin Bieber and The Jonas Brothers.

Because all the individuals concerned are still at that curious stage, then we have to sadly let you down about the comment Justin Bieber uttered. He isn’t insulting The Jonas Brothers because they couldn’t handle tabs of LSD. Neither is he mocking one of the brothers for confusing a ropey-looking Romanian transsexual for a groupie. Cue the drum roll, as we can reveal that Justin Bieber called the The Jonas Brothers:

“Corny.”

Finished weeping into your coffee cup? After we gently slapped ourselves to get over the shock and numb the pain, we had to see what Bieber had against our favourite cheesy rock stars. Digging through the quotes that the monster Justin Bieber uttered, it seems that he has a problem with Mickey Mouse and Disney. As we all know, Bieber independently wrote all of his songs, independently toured to promote himself and self-financed his own initial EPs.

The Jonas Brothers however? Well, it seems that they sucked on the money cock that is Walt Disney and allowed him to spunk his cash into the band, propelling them into stardom through his financial backing and thus making a mockery of all the hard work that Justin Bieber put into his career. Expanding further on the situation, he said:

“I like hop-hop a lot. I’m really glad they’ve taken a liking to me. Having Ludacris and Lil Wayne give me shout me out, you know – it’s cool. I think it’s because I didn’t go through the Disney route. I didn’t go corny, but, like, at the same time I’ve been cool and collected.”

Justin Bieber has taken the first swipe at his rivals. We would have said ‘stab at his rivals’ but because he’s only 11 or 12, he has to be under parental supervision before he can be given a bread knife. Come on Jonas Brothers, what will you do to respond to this diss? Think of your street cred!

Perhaps they can use the power off their purity rings to unite and do a super awesome mega peace song to heal the bond that has now been penetrated between them.

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There are three types of Jonas Brother fan – those who like Joe because he’s sexy, those who like Nick because he’s cute.

And those who like Kevin out of pity. But that last group has just suffered what’s probably the worst weekend of their lives, because Kevin Jonas has got married.

Apparently Kevin Jonas’ wedding ceremony was a beautiful snow-flecked affair, and the night that followed was precisely what you’d expect from someone so proud to keep his virginity intact until marriage – three hours of trying to stick in in her belly button followed by six hours of icy, resentful sobbing. God, we’re turned on just thinking about it.

This is just a hunch, but we’d imagine that the next Jonas Brothers album will be full of songs called things like Eat My Throbbing Piston and I’m A Horny Jizz Machine. Why? Because Kevin Jonas has probably just lost his virginity, that’s why.

Oh, and he got married too. That’s probably worth mentioning. Let’s go with that first.

On Saturday Kevin Jonas married his fiance Danielle Deleasa in a lovely wintry Long Island ceremony that was attended by around 400 guests. We weren’t there, obviously, so we can’t tell you how thick the air was with petrified sexual anticipation, but luckily People magazine got to talk to the wedding planner Michael Russo, who presumably also moonlights as the most nauseating man to have ever walked the face of the Earth. Look:

“The snow only made it look more like a winter wonderland. Danielle looked like a princess. Kevin couldn’t stop smiling… Kevin has said many times he feels like he met his princess. To see them together you can feel the warmth and the love all around them. They are just perfect for each other.”

All that, plus Kevin’s getting on a bit and if he didn’t marry someone soon his testicles would have exploded. But mainly it’s the being perfect for each other thing.

Still, as pleased as we are about Kevin Jonas and Danielle Deleasa, we’re a little wary of the effect that their marriage will have on the Jonas Brothers. And it’s not just the sex thing, either – what if Kevin decides to drop out of a tour midway through so that he can go and browse some soft furnishings for his reception room? What if he starts wearing sensible cardigans and practical shoes? What if he experiments with a moustache? Mark these words – Danielle Deleasa is the Yoko Ono of the Jonas Brothers. She’ll tear them apart. That’s no bad thing, obviously, but she will.

But let’s worry about that another time. For now, let’s just congratulate Kevin Jonas from making the important leap from committed virgin to married man. Before Saturday he wouldn’t have sex because he didn’t want to. And from now on he won’t have sex because his wife doesn’t want to. You’re a man now, Kevin Jonas.

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