Kevin Jonas Had a Baby and Whored It Out For Money Already

Kevin and Danielle JonasThe last time we heard anything from the Jonas brothers, their band had broken up due to “creative differences” (aka middle brother Joe was having a love affair with the bad shit and baby brother Nick was tired of carrying the band).  Now, the eldest and limpest wristed brother Kevin has made headlines again because he is now a dad.

And in a move that would bring a tear to the eye of every fame whoring parent out there (Whattup Dina and Kris!  I see you there Joe Jackson with your one glove on.)  Kevin and his wife Danielle had the whole giving birth ordeal sponsored like it was 2008 and this was Star Jones’ wedding.

Kevin Jonas married his super annoying clingy wife Danielle in 2009 and they both star in their own reality show in E! called “Married to Jonas for Money and Fame.”  Only about 2 dozen people watch that boring fake love shit, so the next move in their making dough game was obviously to spawn a child.  Because nothing proves how much you’re in love like making your own free future mini slave.  Child labor laws are much more lax when it comes to your own children.

And of course, Kevin and Danielle just had to start pimping their child out before she even took a non-amniotic fluid filled breath.  Saturday, magically the day before Danielle went into labor, Kevin Tweeted this.

And then she just HAPPENS to go into labor on Super Bowl Sunday?  Really, we are supposed to believe that was purely coincidental?  Mmhmm.

On Sunday, Kevin started Tweeting when everything was going down, because that is what excited first time dads to be do.

Okay, it started off innocently enough.  I get that there is excitement there, but did we really need a play by play?  Eh, I guess when the biggest supplier of infant detergent is paying you the big monies, this is part of the job.

There were no more Tweets from Kevin, I am assuming because he was super grossed out by seeing his wife’s vagina looking like the scene from Alien.  But Dreft was there to save the day from everyone just dying to found out what happened!

Now that is some impressive marketing 101 shit right there.  You’ve got two people who can easily afford all the diapers and burp rags in the world getting more money that they don’t need, and probably a lifetime supply of the delicious smelling detergent.  Have Kevin and Danielle been taking lessons from fellow Long Islander, Dina?  Dina obviously learned her lesson that in order to get the maximum profit from mooching off your child, you must start right away.  Waiting until they are walking and talking just means you are allowing them too much of a normal life and giving them something to compare their eventual shitty ass life to.  Bad news bears.

But on the real, congratulations to the least talented Jonas brother and his Italian Haylie Duff lookalike on their beautiful little in-vitro baby.  That should get you at least one more season of your show!  Mazel tov!

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