Last night, America carried on its?proud?tradition of tacky beauty pageants, crowning 2013’s Miss USA and effectively reinforcing that beauty pageants are horrible.
The big winner was Erin Brady, Miss Connecticut. She’s?an accountant or some shit, comparatively well-spoken (which isn’t really saying much), and?altogether?lovely. Many of the contestants look shockingly rough … a bit drag-queeny with their packed-on make-up, grumpy bordering on feral from near-starvation, and undoubtedly truly agonized by the weight of those ridiculously over-sized chandelier earrings.
Distinguishing itself from Miss America, Miss USA?doesn’t bother itself with a talent portion to the competition … and that, my friends, is the genius of Donald Trump.?The Donald understands that no one wants to watch some blowzy chick playing a violin or twirling a baton. Even if they're astonishingly gifted ? which they never are ? it doesn’t matter.?No one cares. All we want?is some T&A …?and, in that capacity, Miss USA does not disappoint.
While Miss USA?forgoes Miss America’s tedious personal interview section, it does unfortunately?retain a very short?Q&A. It’s painful to watch … Miss Utah made a colossal ass of herself this year … and it’s clearly preserved purely for the sake of making the sad, fat women watching at home feel better. Maybe you’re not as pretty, with brilliant sparkling white teeth and abs you could bounce a?rock off of, but you’re guaranteed to be smarter. And the Q&A proves that.
And while that’s awfully considerate of the chubby housefraus, I doubt anyone will disagree that?the?competition as a whole would be well-served by replacing the Q&A with a quick pole-dancing test. And, actually, this year wasn’t too far away from it, having the contestants perform a jiggly?dance routine in their bikinis and heels?while those midget Jonas Brothers played on-stage.
Marginally more entertaining was each contestant’s?”Passions” that were listed on the screen as they pranced across the stage. There was a notable lack of feeding the hungry or sheltering orphans, but a?few of them were truly priceless … including?charitable endeavors such as?fashion magazines?and making green smoothies.
Those are their chief passions. You’re given a shot to be oogled on national television and can list two defining passions and that’s what you choose??Another’s was moonlit walks on the beach followed by a few puffs of high quality coke and really vigorous butt sex. OK, I made that last one up, but?you’d be amazed.
Congratulations, Miss Connecticut!