Jewellery looks good against human skin doesn’t it? Unless of course, your complexion is similar to freshly opened feta cheese. With ringworm.

Yep, Pete Doherty, who has 5000 GCSEs, is a man who could make the loveliest item of jewellery look like smack-head’s tinfoil down a grid.

But that isn’t stopping the Libertines dingus from launching a luxury jewellery collection alongside former Cartier designer Hannah Martin, who you may remember as being really annoying in Neighbours some years ago.

Apparently, Doherty developed his “obsession” with antiques and trinkets into a 15-piece line of rings, chains, cufflinks and pins as part of a collaboration with former Cartier designer Hannah Martin.

We eagerly await his launch of diamond encrusted crack-pipes.

The range has the toe-curling monicker of Albion Trinketry and was inspired by the musician’s…

“longing to re-introduce the days when every man had a piece of jewellery to wear with his Sunday best”

When was that then? An imagined halcyon days of people being able to afford luxurious items for the weekend? When was this? Who was this? Never mind.

The jewels will be launched within Joseph stores in London and Paris later in the month, should you be idiotic enough to want to buy them. That said, this surge in wealth that could potential come about through sales of these items could well see Doherty hitting the smack again, which gives us ammo and things to write about.

We’ve changed our minds. Go and buy this stuff please. Buy it all. ALL!

A spokesperson for the collection said:

“Hannah’s interpretation of Peter’s ideas and her bespoke approach to design has ensure a collection that is both original and timeless. Each piece has a sense of regency and history yet also modernity reflecting the past whilst also giving a nod to the future.”

“Peter and Hannah’s designs encapsulate modern luxury. Their aim during the design process was to create collectables that will last the test of time and be handed down through the generations.”

You see? You see the kind of bullshit that people write about stuff? That’s what our inbox looks like every stinkin’ morning.

We’ve had to hire a translator to wade through the endless bollocks that gets sent to us. After reading that, our translator Terry said:

“Basically, it appears they’ve made a load of boring jewellery that is probably going to be collectable because some poxy celebrity tacked his name to it so he can buy more expensive crack or whatever it is he does with his money.”

Next week: Some proper news.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter or join our Facebook group

Paris Hilton is a woman of incredible vengeance – she didn’t get this powerful because everyone in her family is a billionaire.

Oh, wait, yes she did. Our mistake. Anyway, Paris Hilton has has jewellery worth $2 million burgled from her bedroom and she’s furious about it. And that intense fury has led Paris to come to one conclusion: that the burglar had been in her bedroom before.

So now the police are drawing up a suspect list based on all the men who have ever been in Paris Hilton’s bedroom. Something tells us we’re going to here a while, people.

It’s not nice to be burgled. As much as the loss of your possessions is upsetting, it’s nothing compared to the unsettling knowledge that a stranger was rummaging around in your personal possessions behind your back. It’s awful.

Luckily, though, it’s nothing new for Paris Hilton – there are several fairly explicit internet videos of strangers rummaging around in her personal possessions behind her back – so she’s been able to deal with the news of her recent burglary with an unusual amount of maturity.

We reported yesterday that Paris Hilton was burgled last week, and the thief made off with jewellery worth $2 million. But while others would lose their heads by upping security and lashing out bitterly at those around them, Paris Hilton is very calmly and very sensibly taking the rational approach to all of this – she’s blaming her friends.

More or less, anyway. Because she’s seen upwards of three episodes of CSI - the good one, too, not the one with the funny-looking leprechaun in it – Paris Hilton has become absolutely convinced that her burglary was an inside fix-up. E! Online reports:

“I think whoever did this, definitely has been there before. We have some suspects that I’m thinking of.” The items taken included “jewelry, watches, every ring I own,” Hilton said. “All my necklaces, jewelry that my grandmothers gave me that I’ll never be able to replace. It’s really scary but they’re doing a huge investigation on this and we’re going to catch this person.”

It’s great to see that Paris Hilton is taking such a hands-on approach to the police investigation into her burglary. In fact, we’ve already snuck a peek at Paris Hilton’s first-draft suspect list – a list that includes Nicole Richie for “totally being a bitch,” Kim Kardashian because she’s “like, a major skank” and Lindsay Lohan, on the basis that “she smells like fannies and is a whore”. Great work, officer Hilton. You’ll be promoted to lieutenant any day now at this rate.

But until this burglar is caught, Paris Hilton is going to have to drastically rethink how she stores her valuables. Rather than just leave them all strewn around her bedroom like some sort of offensively wealthy teenage girl, Paris should find somewhere safe for them – somewhere hidden and difficult to get into.

So that’s her vagina out of the question, then. That was our only suggestion, actually. Sorry.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!

What do you give the girl who has everything? How loads of jewellery – because if that girl is Paris Hilton, it’s all been nicked.

Paris Hilton has been burgled, with the thief bagging jewellery worth up to $2 million. But more fool the burglar, we say, because he’ll have to go a long way before he finds anyone who’ll pay that much for jewellery that tacky-looking.

It’s Paris Hilton we feel sorry for – this has to rank as the most violated and vulnerable she’s ever felt. Or at least the most violated and vulnerable she’s ever felt without a man’s penis stuffed into her gaping mouth.

Tell you what, this is shaping up to be a rubbish Christmas. Forget about it being the season to be jolly – just look at the news that we’ve reported already today. Michael Jackson might die soon. That dreary posho from Twilight has cut off all his hair. Worse still, people actually like that crappy-looking Jim Carrey movie. And now Paris Hilton has been burgled.

Honestly, this Christmas couldn’t get any worse for a handful of incredibly wealthy people who we honestly couldn’t even give a fraction of a crap about.

But back to Paris Hilton. Early on Friday morning Hilton’s Los Angeles mansion was burgled, with an estimated $2 millions’ worth of jewellery being stolen. And that’s jewellery that Paris Hilton has bought with her own money, not just handouts from her family of ancestral billionaires, you hear? It meant something to her. Not enough for her to keep it locked up, obviously, but never mind. The LA Times reports:

Police said that Hilton was not home at the time of the burglary and that the house is equipped with a security system. In addition, the gated community has its own security force that police said was helping them to identify the burglar. “I expect we’ll be able to apprehend the culprit here based on some of the information we have,” said Deputy Chief Charlie Beck, head of the department’s detective bureau.

First thing on the police’s list will no doubt be to rule out a number of suspects. Paris Hilton should definitely be first on this list – we’re absolutely sure that she didn’t commit the burglary herself as an insurance scam.

This is down to the fact that we’ve seen The Simple Life, and therefore know that Paris Hilton doesn’t seem to understand how doors work, even unlocked doors that have the word ‘push’ written on them alongside a diagram of what pushing looks like. This would make burglary difficult for her.

However, the fact of the matter remains that Paris Hilton has had jewellery worth $2 million stolen from her house right before Christmas, and that’s not very nice. Honestly, why some people choose to pick on poor, helpless, famously dim millionaire hotel heiresses who’ve already filmed their bedrooms from multiple angles in their innumerable internet sex tapes is beyond us, it really is.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!