Paris Hilton is a woman of incredible vengeance – she didn’t get this powerful because everyone in her family is a billionaire.
Oh, wait, yes she did. Our mistake. Anyway, Paris Hilton has has jewellery worth $2 million burgled from her bedroom and she’s furious about it. And that intense fury has led Paris to come to one conclusion: that the burglar had been in her bedroom before.
So now the police are drawing up a suspect list based on all the men who have ever been in Paris Hilton’s bedroom. Something tells us we’re going to here a while, people.
It’s not nice to be burgled. As much as the loss of your possessions is upsetting, it’s nothing compared to the unsettling knowledge that a stranger was rummaging around in your personal possessions behind your back. It’s awful.
Luckily, though, it’s nothing new for Paris Hilton – there are several fairly explicit internet videos of strangers rummaging around in her personal possessions behind her back – so she’s been able to deal with the news of her recent burglary with an unusual amount of maturity.
We reported yesterday that Paris Hilton was burgled last week, and the thief made off with jewellery worth $2 million. But while others would lose their heads by upping security and lashing out bitterly at those around them, Paris Hilton is very calmly and very sensibly taking the rational approach to all of this – she’s blaming her friends.
More or less, anyway. Because she’s seen upwards of three episodes of CSI – the good one, too, not the one with the funny-looking leprechaun in it – Paris Hilton has become absolutely convinced that her burglary was an inside fix-up. E! Online reports:
“I think whoever did this, definitely has been there before. We have some suspects that I’m thinking of.” The items taken included “jewelry, watches, every ring I own,” Hilton said. “All my necklaces, jewelry that my grandmothers gave me that I’ll never be able to replace. It’s really scary but they’re doing a huge investigation on this and we’re going to catch this person.”
It’s great to see that Paris Hilton is taking such a hands-on approach to the police investigation into her burglary. In fact, we’ve already snuck a peek at Paris Hilton’s first-draft suspect list – a list that includes Nicole Richie for “totally being a bitch,” Kim Kardashian because she’s “like, a major skank” and Lindsay Lohan, on the basis that “she smells like fannies and is a whore”. Great work, officer Hilton. You’ll be promoted to lieutenant any day now at this rate.
But until this burglar is caught, Paris Hilton is going to have to drastically rethink how she stores her valuables. Rather than just leave them all strewn around her bedroom like some sort of offensively wealthy teenage girl, Paris should find somewhere safe for them – somewhere hidden and difficult to get into.
So that’s her vagina out of the question, then. That was our only suggestion, actually. Sorry.
Christopher says
Wow, that was an offensive comment at the end. I don’t mind making a little fun of her, but you were a real dick with that… absolutely no pun intended.
The Dread Pirate Sausage! says
I was still reeling from the notion that she has friends when I skipped to the offence at the end and I have to say- that was fackin’ funny.
Jamie says
Why do people complain about the content on this site, it seems to be everytime you guys write something funny someone takes offense at it, sheesh!
I for one appreciate crude vagina jokes
Keep up the good work!
jinxmap says
Who is Paris Hilton?
Irish gemini says
She’s a titless digbat heiress who is built like Jack “the pumpkin king.” who wears a size 12 shoe and you know what they say about big feet.