CONGRATULATIONS HUGH GRANT. You have had a baby. Is it with a prostitute? We don’t know! But the answer is definitely, irrefutably, unequivocally, probably.

‘Hugh Grant’s publicist’ (HAHAHA) revealed the news, yesterday insisting that honestly:

“He and the mother had a fleeting affair and while this was not planned, Hugh could not  be happier or more supportive. He and the mother have discussed everything and are on very friendly terms.”

Because honesty really, really is by some considered to be something of a policy.

Oh, and for those who prefer their Hugh Grant news in a safer sounding, slightly witty, and altogether more endearing way, as always, here’s the Richard Curtis version of the same official statement.

“Blimey!”

That’s right. Hugh, who is 280 years old, has done a ‘Hugh Grant’ (that’s a bit of a Hugh Grant humour for you there) and become a father for the very first time to an accidental infant girl. Christ, some people have all the 1999 Kids Choice Favourite Movie Couple Blimp Awards luck, don’t they?

No word yet from Hugh on whether or not he gives a toss about this yet. Does he even know? Does Hugh Grant look like the kind of gent who reads the ‘PS’ section of emails? Not with haphazard, free-falling locks like those, that’s for sure.

As you may imagine, we’re head over heels for Hugh, and of course the glowing, irrelevant, and forever anonymous mother, and wish to send a special hecklerspray congratulations to the happy couple.

But wait! What will this little bundle of joy (but more importantly: RESPONSIBILITY) do to Hugh’s saucy, libidinous, constantly-happening-all-the-time sex life, we hear you cry?

What’s that, you say?

Go on. Don’t be shy.

‘Hugh Grant never met a vagina he didn’t like?‘

Guys. That is sick.

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Elizabeth Hurley and Shane Warne are one of the oddest celebrity couples around. She, a posho Daily Mail wet-dream and he, a balding slightly overweight impossibly toothed ball lobber. That said, Paul Abdul once advised that opposites attract, as she proved with her love affair with a rapping cartoon cat.

Warne, we’re told, is ‘quite the swordsman’, yet, this isn’t some tempestuous affair. Startlingly, it’s actually love. We’ve read about ‘love’. It sounds horrible.

And not only is it this ‘love’ thing, Liz Hurley is actually saying that this romance was love at first sight.

Hurley has decided to finally talk about her weird relationship, which came to fruition after she dumped her husband Arun Nayar several months earlier. Not that she told anyone about it. The selfish shit.

And now she’s divorced, she’s now able to rub Nayar’s nose in it by talking about how wonderful Warne is.

She bleats on:

“We come from very different worlds so I see that’s fascinating, if not odd, to many. But it’s not often you meet people you instantly feel comfortable with, and when you find that – even if there are vast differences in background and experiences – it’s worth following through.”

Wait. She doesn’t mean that kind of ‘following through’ does she? This relationship isn’t a bit ‘Scatman John’ is it?

“When you recognise you have a lot in common with someone it’s nice to explore. The biggest problem is we’re 23 hours apart. It’s a challenge. We’ll see what happens.”

For the sake of future stories, we hope that Warne is having sex with loads of people behind her back because that would be splendid.

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After rumours floated around the slebphere that Hugh Grant was to take over Charlie Sheen’s role on Two And A Half Men (ostensibly, The Famous One On The Show), everyone scratched their heads and muttered about how little sense it made. Surely a programme like that needs someone more irritating than Hugh Grant?

Well, it seemed impossible, but CBS are weighing up an actor who is roughly a million times more grating than Charlie Sheen… and this actor can grind your gears without being a dead-eyed junky!

That’s right folks, the only man on Earth more irritating than Charlie Sheen is Ashton Kutcher (the stepson of 83 year old Demi Moore) has reportedly signed a deal to join the cast of the woeful sitcom when it returns for a ninth season.

Hugh Grant apparently pulled out of negotiations after citing the old chestnut of “creative differences”, paving the way for the oddly hairlined Kutcher to wobbly into view, gurning at everyone and tittering like an old dog with a brain tumour.

In typically desperately wacky style, Kutcher hinted on Twitter about the gig, saying:

“What’s the square root of 6.25?”. The answer is two and a half.”

Of course, you’ll remember Kutcher from his American version of Beadle’s About, Punk’d, as well as his excruciating to the point of getting clubfoot role as a dunderhead stoner in the miserable That ’70s Show. Mercifully, his movie career has been less successful.

Yet, the oddest thing is this whole sorry tale is that Two And A Half Men is the most watched show on American television which should fill everyone with blood-freezing dread.

These Americans are the leaders of the free-world… and they’re producing and watching this catpiss?

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Hugh ‘It’s All About The Twiglets’ Grant is, and take this with a whole lake of salt, apparently being touted as a replacement for Charlie Sheen in the abjectly awful and heavingly unfunny Two and a Half Men.

It would appear that the actor-turned-paparazzi snitch started to be courted around a month ago by CBS boss Les Moonves and President Nina Tassler, knowing that, for some reason, Americans just can’t get enough of posh Englishmen pratfalling and pulling worried faces constantly.

And, the good news for Grant is that, even if he stint only lasts for one season and he hates working on an American sitcom, he’ll be able to comfort himself with a cheque for $1 million. Per episode. Even more baffling is that Charlie Sheen was getting more than that per episode when he was on the show. With $1.25 million per show, it is hardly surprising he could buy suitcases filled with weapons grade cocaine when it took his fancy.

Of course, Hugh isn’t the only person the studio are looking at.

Reports have linked Woody Harrelson, someone called Jeremy Piven and Rob Lowe to the Sheen shaped hole in the programme. However, it would appear that it is Hugh Grant that they’ve got their heart set on.

This will all be good news for the show’s creator, Chuck Lorre, who will want to work with someone who, essentially, isn’t Charlie Sheen. Basically, he’ll be thrilled at working with someone who doesn’t need 24 hours a day of babysitting and pats on the back in return for unending abuse and glassy, hallowed out eye sockets.

Still, we shouldn’t feel sorry for Lorre because he’s subjected the world to the spectacularly woeful The Big Bang Theory and we shouldn’t ever forget that.

Naturally, if Hugh gets to replace Sheen, we’ll have to draw comparisons with the two as they’ve both got a thing for mucky, hired sex. Remember when he and prostitute Divine Brown were arrested on lewd conduct charges? Those mugshots still adorn the hecklerspray hovel walls.

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First, a clarification – Rip Torn has the best celebrity arrest of all time. The man’s a genius. He’s untouchable.

He’s 78 years old and he broke into a bank, holding a loaded gun, because he was so drunk that he thought it was his own house. Nobody on the face on the planet has ever done anything that brilliant. Rip Torn, we want you to be our grandpa.

But, although he has the best celebrity arrest in history, he hasn’t got the only celebrity arrest in history. Celebrities literally can’t stop getting arrested and, since celebrities are on average 15 times stupider than normal people, their arrests are often quite hilarious. Take a look…

10 – Naomi Campbell

There are places where you’re allowed to be a bit angry. Boxing rings, for instance. Or pub car parks. But planes? No. Act out of line on a plane and you could end up being attacked by dogs. Or  getting shot at. Or someone might stick their fingers up your bum. Not that Naomi Campbell cared about any of that in 2008, when she went berserk over some lost luggage and ended up lashing out at a policeman. She’s a lovely girl really.

9 – The Game

You don’t hear much from The Game these days, do you? That’s either because a) the only way he could have picked a less Google-friendly nameis if he called himself The, or b) because he’s not very good. Still, at least he’ll always go down in history as being the rapper with the stupidest arrest story of all. Drugs? No. Guns? No. Putting on a Halloween mask in a shopping centre and swearing so loudly that he ended up getting pepper-sprayed? Um, yes. The Game, you are a genius.

8 – Hugh Grant

Getting a blowjob from a prostitute? Forgiveable. Getting a blowjob from a prostitute when you’ve already got a girlfriend? Less forgiveable. Getting a blowjob from a prostitute in a car in front of a policeman? Stupid. Getting a blowjob from a prostitute in a car in front of a policeman when your girlfriend is Liz Hurley? Hugh Grant, you really can be an awful wazzock.

7 – Lindsay Lohan

Anyone can get arrested. Some people can even get arrested for getting drunk and driving a car full of terrified passengers around. A choice handful might even have cocaine in their pockets as they do it. But only Lindsay Lohan, only dear sweet Lindsay Lohan, would preface all of this by screaming “I’m a celebrity, I can do whatever the fuck I want” just to make it perfectly clear that she isn’t very likeable, as she did in 2007. For that, Lindsay, we thank you. Sort of.

6 – Paul Reubens

When you watch Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, you don’t ever get the impression that Pee-Wee is the sort of person who’d be arrested for wanking in a cinema, do you? Well apparently he is. Ick.

5 – George Michael

When you watch a George Michael video, you don’t ever get the impression that George is the sort of person who’d be arrested for wanking in a public toilet, would… oh, yes. Yes you would. Sorry.

4 – Foxy Brown

It takes a very special woman to make Naomi Campbell look approachable and meek, but then again Foxy Brown is a very special woman. Arrested once for fighting the staff of a nail salon over some change, arrested again for trashing a shop because she was trying to fix her hair while it was closing, and arrested yet again for smashing her neighbour’s face in with a BlackBerry, Foxy Brown doesn’t do anything by halves. Apart from rapping, obviously. She isn’t particularly good at that if we remember correctly.

3 – Gary Coleman

As with Foxy Brown, Gary Coleman is a tiny, past-his-prime human with a penchant for ridiculous arrests. But the most ridiculous, even more ridiculous than the time he was arrested for punching the inside of his own car, came during an evening out at a bowling alley. A man asked to take a picture of Gary Coleman, and Coleman refused on the basis that photos of him cost $20. The man tried to take one anyway and, in the ensuing scuffle, Gary Coleman knocked him over with a truck. Not a toy truck, either – a real, full-sized truck. And that’s how we fell in love with Gary Coleman again.

2 – Mel Gibson

You all know the story, so we’ll just cut to the chase and give you the wonderful quote instead: “My life is fucked. I’m not going to get in your car… You motherfucker. I’m going to fuck you… Fucking Jews… The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Are you a Jew?… What do you think you’re looking at, Sugartits?” Perfection.

1 – James Brown

September 1988. We’ll quote this one from The Guardian:

James Brown, toting pistol and shotgun, marched into an insurance seminar next door to his offices in Augusta, pissed off that someone had used his toilet without permission. Cops were called and a chase ensued over the state line into South Carolina. After 23 bullets were emptied into his tyres, Brown finally emerged from his vehicle – allegedly singing ‘Georgia on My Mind’.

Oh James Brown, why can’t your ghost come and haunt us, you mental old sod.

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Say whatever you like about Guy Ritchie, but never suggest that he doesn’t like women with stupid accents.

Because that’s incontestable fact. Until recently Guy Ritchie was married to Madonna, whose bizarre mid-Atlantic accent made her sound exactly like Lloyd Grossman choking on grape skins – and now it’s been rumoured that he’s hooked up with Jemima Khan, the horsey aristocrat who used to go out with Hugh Grant.

And, as we all known, Jemima Khan is so furiously posh that her voice sounds a mouse stuck up a chimney who can only communicate in vowel-sounds. Well done, Guy Ritchie.

It’s good to see that after all the arguments, comparisons to butchery cast-offs and possibly having it away with steroid-using idiots, Guy Ritchie and Madonna have managed to move on from their divorce with the utmost dignity.

Well, you know, dignity only relative to two people who dress up like slutty 14-year-olds and make the worst films in the history of planet Earth respectively. Madonna is apparently going out with a boy named Jesus who could literally only be younger than he currently is if he was a test tube full of sperm, and Guy Ritchie is still cartwheeling after a woman so unrelentingly upper class that she probably employs a full staff of Indonesians just to keep riff-raff out of her eyeline in case one of them offends her delicate sensibilities.

You may remember that Guy Ritchie and Hugh Grant’s ex-girlfriend Jemima Khan were possibly but not quite a couple back in December. Well we’ve got some blisteringly hot news for you – Guy Ritchie and Jemima Khan are… still possibly but not quite a couple. Gigantic news, we know. Gather yourselves and read what the News Of The World has to say about it:

One close friend told me: “They’re taking things slowly as Guy doesn’t want to throw himself back into the dating world so soon after splitting with him. Jemima has been there to comfort him — they’ve become very good friends because of it. But everyone can see there’s clearly a connection between them and I don’t think anyone would be surprised if they take things on to the next level.”

Personally we’re hoping that Guy Ritchie and Jemima Khan do manage to take things on to the next level, because at this rate, the next level would be ‘sharing a strand of spaghetti like in Lady And The Tramp except the strand of spaghetti is nine miles long and they’re both quite full up’.

Honestly, we’ve calculated that Guy Ritchie and Jemima Khan are moving so slowly that they’d need to take things on by about 300 extra levels before they actually become a couple, which we’d like to see because they’d probably split up a couple of days afterwards and then we’d actually have something decent to write about for once. People, let’s make it happen.

Read more:

A Guy Khan Look! – NOTW

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If you see Hugh Grant or Liz Hurley, you’re bound to want to take a picture of them.

That’s just basic logic at work – your choices are essentially limited to taking a picture of Hugh Grant or Liz Hurley or approaching them and saying “Hi, I really loved you in Music And Lyrics/ Passenger 57.” And only the very worst kind of pathological liar would think to do that last one.

But wait – don’t go taking pictures of Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley without their permission, because they’ll sue you and win £58,000, which is what happened yesterday after a photo agency took their picture on holiday. The moral of this story is that Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley value their privacy, although clearly not enough to stop making films and doing modelling jobs. Even though everyone sort of wishes they would.

We feel sorry for celebrities sometimes. Holidays should be a time for them to relax and unwind, but the current celebrity-obsessed culture means that there’ll always be an interest in them wherever they are on the planet. What kind of a world do we live in when a celebrity can’t even angrily shout at a child until it cries without it ending up in a newspaper? It’s disgusting.

Not even Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley are safe from this level of media intrusion. Although one of them is determined to keep churning out ever more creepy romantic comedies to growing public indifference and the other doesn’t really do anything, it didn’t stop a photographer from secretly snapping them on holiday together in a private resort in the Maldives recently.

Photographs? On holiday? Without permission? Surely people are only allowed to do that if they then track you down an hour later with the photo digitally printed onto a flimsy plastic plate and try to make you buy it for £35 while shouting “souvenir” at you in a funny accent.

Apparently so, because Hugh Grant, Liz Hurley and her husband Arun Nayar have just managed to sue Big Pictures for £58,000 in damages after it sold the secret holiday photos of them to newspapers.

Of course the newspapers were interested in the photographs because a) Hugh Grant, his ex-girlfriend Liz Hurley and her husband Arun Nayar went on holiday together? That’s a bit fruity, and b) The papers got to rock out some truly hopeless headlines because of it. The Times reports:

[Lawyer] Laura Tyler told Mr Justice Eady that the photos were taken covertly without their knowledge while they were on holiday in a resort which they had chosen for the privacy and seclusion it offered. “It has been most upsetting for the claimants to have their privacy invaded by these defendants,” she said… News Group published three of the photos in News of the World in an article headed “Liz does the blokey-cokey”. Associated published four photos in The Mail on Sunday in an article headed “Hugh’s that gooseberry?”.

So congratulations to Hugh Grant and Liz Hurley for winning their lawsuit. After all, everyone knows that when someone takes your photograph they steal a little bit of your soul, which is why Hugh and Liz have fought so hard over these holiday snaps. True, having sat through American Dreamz and Double Whammy we’re not entirely convinced that Hugh Grant or Liz Hurley actually had souls to begin with, but let’s not rain on their special moment right now.

Read more:

Liz Hurley, Hugh Grant and Arun Nayar win damages for invasion of privacy – Times

Although nobody knows what Andy Warhol was thinking when he made a screen print of Elizabeth Taylor's face in 1963, chances are it was probably "I just hope that one day this painting makes the stuttering git from Music And Lyrics rich."

And what do you know, it has. Last night Hugh Grant auctioned off the Andy Warhol screen print of his entitled “Liz (Colored Liz”) in New York, and sold it for $23.7 million – seven times what he'd originally paid for it. Nobody knows what Hugh Grant will spend all this new Warhol money on – maybe he'll invest it back into art or try to develop a new kind of aerodynamic baked bean that flies better when you hurl it at a photographer – but the main thing is that it keeps Hugh Grant so busy that he doesn't get the chance to make any more films for a while.

Who'd have thought that Hugh Grant was in possession of a talent that doesn't involve basically playing the exact same character doing the exact same thing in a procession of romantic comedies so formulaic that they all may as well be called Hugh Grant Romantic Comedy 6: The One With Sandra Bullock In It or Hugh Grant Romantic Comedy 13: The One Where His Love Interest Is So Young You'll Feel Creepy Just Watching It?

But, anyway, he does. As well as being the the world's most miserably reluctant grouch of a film star – and being impossibly good at chucking foodstuffs at the paparazzi – it seems that Hugh Grant also has a keen eye for art. Especially high on Hugh Grant's art appreciation list is a little-known painter called Andy Warhol, who had a tiny part in that movie about Sienna Miller's vagina from earlier this year.

Apparently Hugh Grant bought a Warhol screen print of Elizabeth Taylor six years ago for $3.6 million. It might have been because Hugh Grant was a fan of Warhol's revolutionary screen print technique, or because Hugh Grant saw a picture called Liz, realised that his girlfriend at the time was also called Liz and that they both had dark hair, but whatever the reason it was a pretty sound investment, because last night Hugh Grant's Warhol was auctioned off at Christie's for $23.7 million.

It could have been more, of course – the painting had an estimate of up to $35 million, but only two people wanted it – but $23.7 million is nothing to be sniffed at. For example, we've worked out that with the $23.7 million that Hugh Grant earnt himself at the auction yesterday, he could buy 1,917,440 copies of Mickey Blue Eyes on DVD and spend the next 371 years watching them all end-to-end.

Again, anything that stops him from making films is OK with us.