Dark Knight Rises or Batman 3. What are you calling it? Well, judging by the newly released trailer, you could justifiably call it Occupy Gotham. It is fair to say that Bruce Wayne is part of the 1%.

Wisely, Christopher Nolan & Co have decided to tap into the most polite civil unrest yet and, mercifully, thrown some supervillains at it because we demand explosions and people getting punched in the throat.

And, regrettably for us snarks, the film looks like it might be really great. There’s a chance we’ll still give it a bad review though, just to be contrarians.

As you know, joining the action this time round is Anne Hathaway as the becatsuited Selina Kyle (or Catwoman if you can’t work out an insultingly obvious clue). She purrs into Batman’s ear:

“You think this is going to last. There’s a storm coming, Mr. Wayne. You and your friends better batten down the hatches, because when it hits, you’re all going to wonder how you ever thought how you could live so large and leave so little for the rest of us.”

If only the 99% were more prone to being leggy and attractive in skin-tight outfits. Practical, no… glamorous, yes.

Of course, Heath Ledger’s Joker will take some beating, so Thomas Hardy will be gruffing it up as Bane. And as big gestures go, Bane’s looks-awfully-like-a-terrorist-attack during a football game should sicken a few American stomachs. Oh, and you’ll be supporting the Gotham Rogues, just in case you didn’t know.

For hipsters, the trailer also show a little Joseph Gordon-Levitt, which is nice.

And so, we’ve all got to wait ’til July to see if it’s going to be any good. Until then, we’ll speculate how Bale’s Batman is written out of this particular franchise and foist stupid Who Can Replace Christian Bale As Batman? lists upon you ’til we find something worthy to write.

Here’s the trailer, poo-breath.

Catwoman has always been the sexiest of all the superhero/supervillain clan. We say that because all the women who played her in the ’60s were really hot. Not so much Michelle Pfeiffer and Halle Berry. They were snooze-buttons in comparison.

Of course, Catwoman oozed such sex appeal that even Batman fancied her, despite the fact she kept him busy by being a nasty git.

And so, when it was announced that Anne Hathaway was chosen to play her in the forthcoming The Dark Knight Rises, everyone kinda shrugged because she seems too wholesome. Can she pull off that whole S&M thing that Catwoman has? According to the leaked picture of her in her villainous guise (below), it seems not.

The photo shows Hathaway in costume, seemingly razzing around on Batman’s motorbike (which is nice).

Sadly, judging from one measly picture, granted, this particular Catwoman just looks like Hathaway in a jumpsuit with some skiing goggles on.

And that’s it. At least Pfeiffer’s suit had a load of weird stitching on it to make her look a bit more depraved.

Speaking to MTV, Hathaway says:

“I was not going to admit it: I asked someone to send me a few reactions [to the photo]… [the general response] was ‘meh.’ “

She continued:

“What I am happy to say is, if you didn’t like the photo, you only see about a 10th of what that suit can do. And if you did like the photo, you have excellent taste.”

The suit has more to give? Will it transform Hathaway into a sweet looking girl into a vampish sexpot? Or does it have a seat that fires missiles out of it?

Please be the latter.

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Now that everyone likes Batman again, after years of thinking he was pretty lame, we as writers must cover every tawdry titbit concerning the imminent film, The Dark Knight Rises. If its anything like the last two, it’ll probably be good, which is irritating for people like us who want to slate stuff.

It’s not all fun on the shoot though, as Anne Hathaway is finding out. Mere days after nearly sparking a stuntman out with butt of a gun, she’s had a different kind of butt-based incident.

Basically, the poor lass showed a little more of her nether regions to the crew as she split open her figure hugging Catwoman suit.

That’s right pervs – Hathaway flashed her undercarriage while going nutso during a take, which is a stirring image.

Of course, Anne takes on the role previously owned by Julie Newmar and sullied by Michelle Pfeiffer, leaving her in a situation where she almost certainly won’t be the worst Catwoman to grace a screen. Halle Berry takes that dubious plaudit.

However, you want to know about arse.

A source says:

“Anne was filming a very similar fight scene when her costume split right open right on her bottom.

“She’s putting everything into this role both physically and emotionally and the wardrobe department is paying the price. She must have gone through a dozen costume changes due to Anne throwing herself around.”

You’ll have to wait ’til The Dark Knight Rises is released on July 20, 2012, to see if her posterior makes the cut.

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So, Halle Berry has been accused by some of being a dirty racist for believing in the ‘one drop theory’, while her ex, Gabriel Aubrey has also been accused of being a racist because he wants everyone to say his daughter is white.

Personally, we don’t care what colour it is. We just want it to grow up into a nutter like Nicole Richie or Lindsay Lohan. Rich kids always end up jerks, right? Even the ones who make amazing pop records like ‘Whip My Hair’. Willow Smith – destined to be a dead-eyed narc fiend or cult leader.

Anyway, we’re talking about Halle Berry. Apparently, her and Aubrey (who sounds like a ’30s country singer) are still at loggerheads, acting like children (possibly vaguely racist children if you believe they’re that sort of thing) and… well… this is just about the most interesting thing Berry has ever done. Ever.

This slow-burning, almost eye-crusting squabble continues to plod along like filling forms out in triplicate. It’s like watching the biopic of a human resources department.

And you expect us to make jokes!

Anyway, Halle Berry’s baby pappy went all stupid according to reports, leaving Halle no choice but to start waving legal shit around and wagging her finger while slightly screwing her face up in an attempt to emote.

Aubry told Halle, in the most grown-up way he could muster (aka akin to soiling himself and threatening to cry really loudly) that he would not let her take Nahla to New York to shoot a movie. Halle, being wealthy, said she’d put Gabe in a swanky hotel if he just stopped whining like a little gitbox.

A week in a fancy hotel with his precious, puking baby? Of course, he said no. Then threw all of Nahla’s toys out of the pram.

Apparently, Gabriel (currently signing-on) said:

“Why do I have to follow her? She can leave Nahla here.”

A Los Angeles County Superior Court said words to the effect of, “Honestly. This is so tiresome that my nostrils are healing over. Halle. Just take your stupid kid with you, alright?”

Everyone presumably muttered under their breath ‘surely Gabriel knew what he was getting into when he ejaculated up a successful actress’. Oh, and being spiteful isn’t a very attractive look. We know better than most.

Tune in next week when Gabriel Aubrey refuses to eat his sprouts and Halle Berry tries to buy him a Playstation to stop him from kicking his little legs in a tantrum.

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Halle Berry’s custody case is one of the most boring stories to hit the headlines, ever. Much like her career actually. And so, to liven the whole thing up, Kim Kardashian’s name is being thrown around for absolutely no reason at all.

That’s how low this story has sunk.

With accusations of racisms blowing around about Halle’s ex, Gabriel Aubrey, the whole sorry scenario has got people wringing their hands and worrying about the poor, poor child involved. Waa waa. Worse still is that this child is being thought of a completely forgettable by celebrity no-mark, Kardashian. Seriously.

Apparently, Halle Berry is very irritated by the notion that her ex, Aubry, might be dating Kardashian. It would seem that Kardashian is equally irritated by this notion.

Not that Halle Berry isn’t being anything other than mature and grown-up about the whole thing, especially when she’s ignoring Kardashian repeatedly at various Hollywood events. Berry, who may well be going nutso, doesn’t want Kardashian anywhere near her child, Nahla.

Alas, Kardashian wouldn’t know Halle’s child if someone stapled it to her forehead while shouting ‘THIS IS HALLE BERRY’S DAUGHTER, OKAY?’ at the celebutante.

A source said:

“Since Kim only saw the little girl once or twice… she wouldn’t even recognise Nahla if she saw her somewhere without either Gabriel or Halle with her.”

Get that Berry? Your daughter is immensely forgettable. A few parents could learn something from this when assuming the rest of the world gives even the vaguest of fucks about their future disappointment.

On top of all this, Kardashian is saying that she’s stepping out with some bloke called Kris Humphries, who must be thrilled at all this nonsense.

Sadly for Aubrey, he’s being made out to be some kind of racist monster.

Sources told TMZ:

“Whenever Gabriel would read a story about Nahla that referred to her as ‘Black,’ he would go off, insisting his baby was white. We’re told Gabriel would tell Halle and others they should demand a ‘retraction’ when such references were made regarding his daughter.”

If Aubrey was a massive racist, you have to wonder why he’d have a baby with Halle Berry (in fairness, she’s pretty white, but y’know, she’s totally black).

Anyway, we’re going to start wringing our hands and sing ‘Save The Children’ by Marvin Gaye so it looks like we give a shit.

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Yesterday, we talked about what a gigantic spoilsport Halle Berry is. She selfishly decided to act like an adult and not air her filthy linen in public, leaving us to guess why she was worried about the safety of her daughter when with her ex-bloke, Gabriel Aubry.

Well, no thanks to Halle, but rather, a load of scurrilous rumours and hearsay, it seems we have an answer!

Yessireebob, people are pointing at Gabriel Aubrey and muttering “great big dirty racist git” under their breath.

Allegedly, Aubrey dropped the N-Bomb on Halle (a claim we expect Aubrey will eventually deny in public) and repeatedly demeaned her with other vulgarities. As an aside, ‘vulgarity’ is a great word isn’t it?

Basically, it seems that Gabe went a bit ‘Mel Gibson’ and like throwing around racist words as well as niceties like “fucking bitch” and “you’re films are consistently not very good and in fact, I find them rather derivative.” See if you can spot which one we made up.

Sadly, it is very difficult to prove that someone said something horrible to someone, but luckily for Gabriel, he did it by text message as well. So damning evidence may well be sat on Berry’s phone, gleefully waiting for some judge to have a look at it.

She’ll have to delete any saucy pictures she may have taken of herself though (anyone with a mobile phone does that, right?)

Worse still for Aubrey is that an ex-girlfriend of his has waddled out into the open, spouting off about what a nasty shit he is. The woman in question dated him for a couple of years and noted that he was…

“very disrespectful to women”

Quite how he pulled one of the most lusted-after women in Hollywood is beyond us. He must have a very, very impressive penis or something. The lady also backed-up this racist thing, saying:

“Gabriel has always been a borderline racist.”

However, he isn’t a complete monster. This ex of his would like to point out that, while she considers him to be a potty-mouthed bigot, he wasn’t one for throwing a slap across a room. Basically, she’s saying that Gabriel never once laid a hand on her during their relationship.

If this turns out to be true, we can only thank Hollywood for breeding these racist sorts, just so we can write about them constantly and sneer at any misfortune that comes their way.

No. Don’t tell us about the eventuality that he might be completely innocent and shit like this might actually stick and tarnish a nice man’s reputation.

No. Not listening.

*sticks fingers in ears*

Ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner ner lalalalalalalala ner dum dum dum LA LA LA LA NOT LISTENING…

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Halle Berry is a well fancied woman. That’s because she looks like a white man designed her, ironing out all the blackness out of her, save only her tone. And she’s really boring. She’s such a crashing bore that sometimes, we prefer conducting conversations with the dead flies on our windowsill.

And so, with a rare moment of drama in her life, we find our Halle having a fight with her ex-husband!

That’s right! Berry is throwing all that amicable split nonsense out of the window in favour of an ugly brawl and may well just start trash talking in the press! Hopefully, years of built-up resentment will come erupting from her little mouth with such venom that the sky will go pink with embarrassment.

We all know damn well that this isn’t going to happen. That’s because Halle Berry is crashingly dull. Some might say ‘dignified’, but they’re the kind of people who claim to like her for her acting abilities while secretly and shamefully masturbating over her while sat on the pan.

And so, in the face of lots of flying shit, Halle Berry is planning to take ex Gabriel Aubry to court to fight for custody of their two-year-old daughter Nahla and, crucially, she’s only giving us half the story.

So bad is this scrap is that she’s ditched a film she’s supposed to be making called New Year’s Eve (she’s been replaced by Katherine Heigl, if you even vaguely care).

Her rep says:

“Halle Berry was forced to pull out of a film production in New York this week due to pending custody litigation involving her daughter.”

“She has attempted to resolve these custody issues amicably with her daughter’s father, Gabriel Aubry, directly, but given his lack of cooperation, Halle has no choice but to seek swift judicial intervention.”

Okay. She’s having child-admin troubles. But what about the dirt?

“Halle has serious concerns for her daughter’s well-being while in the care of her father for any extended period of time and is prepared to take all necessary steps to protect her”

Serious concerns?! Is this bloke using this child as a drug mule? Does he encourage it to bath in shark infested water while wearing goggles made of steak?

It looks like she’s not going to tell us because she’s a massive spoilsport, leaving us to make jokes about meat-based eye wear. Don’t like the joke? Blame Halle Boring Berry.

“Halle has always made the needs and safety of her daughter her first priority and, both while Halle and Gabriel were a couple and since their break-up, Halle has only acted in her daughter’s best interests”

But alas, not in the best interests of us gossip mongers/shit slingers.

DAMN YOUR EYES BERRY!

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People have been arguing about who was the best Catwoman. Most of them have been wildly wrong. See, Batman’s love interest cum nemesis is supposed to ooze sex. Catwoman isn’t just a pretty face – she’s a huge prick tease as well.

Looking at those who have played the famous feline villain, it is a surprisingly sexless bunch.

And Anne Hathaway, who will play Selina Kyle in Christopher Nolan’s third Batman film, is the latest to completely lack in sophisticated skankery.

Think about it. Catwoman is pure sex. She’s a whip-cracking, S&M suited siren, ready to give you a raging hard-on before disappearing into the night to act out some dastardly deed while you’re still wobbling around trying to hide your erection with a Bat-Cushion.

Yet, for some time now, no-one has successfully cast a Catwoman who has the innate primal sexiness that the character requires.

Way back when, on the ’60s Batman TV show, the producers were bang on the money. Julie Newmar (the best Catwoman ever), Lee Meriwether and Eartha Kitt all looked like they were dirty and kinky. Perfect Catwoman material. You could totally buy into the notion that Batman wouldn’t be able to control himself around them.

Then, years later, we got a spate of women who were just… meh.

Michelle Pfeiffer brought her back in ’92, and like all modern Catwomen, was attractive enough but, really, not exactly oozing the filth that the original actors had. Pfeiffer is about as sexual magnetic as a shop window dummy. Then, we went even further away from primal urges with Halle Berry. Again, an attractive woman, but lacking in the trashy sleaze that Catwoman is supposed to have. In fact, Halle Berry looks like something of a goodie-two-shoes and therefore, wildly wrong for the role.

And now we get the similarly sexless Anne Hathaway to come and (probably fail) in the vamp stakes. There’s a whole host of actresses out there who have that classy-hussy thing going on and, alas, Anne Hathaway isn’t one of them.

Starring alongside her will be the impossibly boned Tom Hardy who will play Bane in The Dark Knight Rises and, of course, the gravel voiced Christian Bale returns as Bruce Wayne. We’ll get to see it all unfurl on 20th July 2012.

We can only hope to be proven wrong and Hathaway shows us a side to her character that we haven’t seen before. She should start by watching this clip…

…okay. That was purely for our benefit.

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Sorry everyone. You had your chance. Halle Berry was single, and that’s when you should have made your move.

It wouldn’t have been successful. She’s Halle Berry for crying out loud – if she hadn’t laughed directly in your face for having the brazen temerity to even think that you had a shot at her, then her merciless hoots of derision as she took her first glance at your gnarled, withered excuse for a semi-erect penis would have destroyed your chances for sure. She’s Halle Berry. You’re just some bloke. Gain some perspective, for God’s sake. You’re embarrassing yourself.

Anyway. The point is that even if Halle Berry wasn’t so far out of your league that you barely even count as the same species, it’s too late. Apparently she’s going out with Olivier Martinez now. So, you know, please continue to be pointless and lonely.

All anyone wants is for Halle Berry to be happy. Actually, that’s not strictly true – all anyone really wants is for Halle Berry to make a film that isn’t so utterly hopeless from beginning to end that they invariably start hacking away at their flesh with the nearest piece of jagged metal they can find just to make the whole experience less painful – but the happiness thing probably comes in as a close second in the desire stakes, alongside wanting her to take her clothes off more.

And, finally, it looks like Halle Berry has achieved the happiness that we’ve all been wishing for. Yes, admittedly you may have thought that she’d achieved happiness when she married that guy, or when she married that other guy, or when she had that baby with another guy who didn’t have anything to do with either of the two previous guys, but you’d be wrong. Because those things only made Halle Berry unhappy.

But now there have been reports that Halle Berry has enjoyed the occasional furtive snog with Olivier Martinez, the co-star of her new film, we’re definitely ready once and for all to say forever that Halle Berry has discovered lifelong happiness that will never ever go away ever again ever. The New York Daily News reports:

The new lovebirds were reportedly spotted kissing and cozying up to each other as they explored Martinez’s hometown of Paris. “It was the classic ‘I’m going to kiss you here in a dark corner’ move,” a spy said of the couple. “And she was waiting to be kissed.” Before heading back to the actor’s home, the pair reportedly stopped along a narrow street to engage in a two-minute long smoochfest in a doorway.

So let’s all just be happy for Halle Berry, OK? Let’s all be happy that one incredibly good-looking millionaire had an encounter with another incredibly good-looking millionaire that’s several times more romantic than anything any of us normal people will ever experience in our entire meaningless lives. OK? That doesn’t make us want to crawl into a corner and weep at all.

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When Halle Berry broke up with Gabriel Aubrey, it’s fair to say that not a lot of people actually cared.

We didn’t. We were happy for her. Her new-found romantic freedom meant that Halle Berry had plenty of time to go around making horrible films that no right-minded human being would ever watch in a million years. And, really, isn’t that what she does best?

However, Halle Berry seems to think that everybody on Earth was personally affected by the failure of her last serious relationship. And that’s why she’s opened up to Vogue about the split, revealing her anger at the lies written about her in the press. No, we didn’t realise that she’d been mentioned in the press either. Oh well. Hopefully Halle Berry can get this out of her system and go back to making more awful films for us to ignore. That’s what she’s good at, after all.

Halle Berry is a woman who collects plaudits with ease. Oscar-winner. Bond girl. Maker of the worst post-Oscar career choices in cinematic history. Crappest-ever Catwoman. The list goes on. And the latest plaudit that Halle Berry has earned is ‘romantic nincompoop’.

Halle’s love-life is littered with catastrophe. When her first marriage ended in the 1990s, Halle Berry considered suicide. When her second marriage ended last decade, it was rumoured to be because her husband was a sex addict. But then Halle Berry found love with a French Canadian model called Gabriel Aubrey and everything looked hunky dory.

Except that Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubrey split up earlier this year, in a move that spread ripples of unending apathy around the world. But now, finally, about three months after those who even knew about the split had forgotten about the split, Halle Berry is finally ready to open her heart about the split. Brace yourself. The Hollywood Reporter, um, reports:

In Vogue’s September issue, the 44-year-old Oscar-winning actress, mother and cover girl was candid in her first formal interview in three years. “By the time [the breakup] hit the papers — full of rumors and lies, with people having to make up problems between us — Gabriel and I had long dealt with it. We were done,” she said. “And we were on a good foot.”

So that’s that. Halle Berry split up with some bloke ages ago, and now she’s reiterating it in a magazine. Sorry to anyone who read the headline and thought this might be a story about some dildos.

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That Halle Berry, eh? She’s a funny looking woman – we once saw a picture of Halle Berry in a magazine and we went right off our tea.

And yet, despite obviously looking like a sort of cross between the back end of a bus and a bulldog’s floppy genitals, Esquire magazine has decided to name Halle Berry as its Sexiest Woman Alive. Which is just weird because, you know, Halle Berry. Bleurgh. No, wait, we got mixed up – we were thinking of former EastEnders and Heartbeat star Nick Berry. He’s not actually very sexy at all. But Halle Berry is actually sort of pretty.

Anyway, we could be wrong, but in the accompanying interview it seems like Halle Berry equates sexiness with masturbating a lot. There’s hope for us yet!

We’re coming to learn that when a magazine chooses its sexiest women, it’s more of a reflection of the readership than the woman it chooses. That’s why FHM always stumps for someone like Megan Fox – women who look like third-generation Chinese-whispered police sketches of what 14-year-old boys most like to wank to – while People magazine always goes for Kate Hudson because she looks approachable and is more likely to sell hair conditioner to housewives.

And then there’s Esquire. Marginally more intelligent than other lad mags, Esquire is the publication for slightly more mature men who want to look like they enjoy reading articles on Philip Seymour Hoffman when really they just want to bash one out to all the pictures of Jessica Biel as soon as the wife goes out.

So, as such, it’s only natural that Esquire would pick Halle Berry – a 42-year-old new mother who once harboured thoughts of suicide – as its Sexiest Woman Alive. Because Halle Berry is intelligent, you see. And stylish. And she looks sort of slutty if you take off her trousers and just make her wear a procession of tight T-shirts. Which, funnily enough is what Esquire did.

As we all know, when you’re voted as the Sexiest Woman Alive it’s traditional to respond with a sort of “aw, shucks, me?” shrug that belies the fact that you haven’t eaten anything but slices of carrot since 2004 and you spend eight hours every morning individually moisturising each one of your eyebrow hairs. So that’s what Halle Berry did too, right?

No. Instead Halle Berry kind of acted like she already knew she was sexier than everyone else and then started talking about what we presume to be masturbation.

“I know damned well I am sexier now than I used to be. You know the stuff they say about a woman being responsible for her own orgasms? That’s all true. And in my case, that makes me responsible for pretty damned good orgasms these days.”

Well, that’s nice. Any other final masturbation-centric life mottos, Halle?

“Sexiness is a state of mind — a comfortable state of being. It’s about loving yourself in your most unlovable moments.”

Loving yourself. What a nice way to put it. Anyway, Halle Berry being named as Esquire‘s Sexiest Woman Alive isn’t just good news for Halle Berry and randy men, it also sends a very positive message to women, too.

It says that 42-year-old mothers of newborn babies can be sexy too. So long as, you know, they’re millionaire Oscar-winning actresses, models and beauty queens who lucked out genetically and get to live with male supermodels. And that’s everyone, right?

The world has been awaiting the name of Halle Berry's newborn baby daughter for quite some time now.

As far as we're aware, this is because the world has been waiting to replace 'Stupid Berry Baby' with a real name in its special Infants It's OK To Dislike Because They're Already More Beautiful Than You notebook.

But anyway, the wait is over. Halle Berry has finally decided to reveal that her baby will be known as Nahla Ariela Aubry, and we can assume that Halle Berry settled on Nahla Ariela Aubry either because it's the name of an obscure mountain range from Lord Of The Rings or because it's an anagram of Labara Urinal Yeah.

Lots of people think Halle Berry is a bit dim just because she's pretty and thought that Perfect Strangers was an acceptable post-Oscar movie to make, but we're starting to think that actually Halle Berry is kind of a genius. You were probably under the impression that Halle Berry refused to initially reveal the name of her newborn daughter to protect her from the glare of the media, if only for a day.

Not a chance – in fact, Halle Berry was just chasing the headlines. Look at it this way - "Here's my baby, her name's Sarah," is just one story. But thanks to Halle Berry's clever little tactic she's got the 'Halle Berry has a baby' story and the 'Halle Berry names her baby' story, with a 'this is what Halle Berry's boyfriend's sister thinks of the baby' story thrown in as a kind of bonus. Genius.

So, anyway, Halle Berry has named her baby – and she certainly had a lot to live up to. After all, you can't give your baby a normal name because then nobody will know that their mother is famous – and Shiloh Nouvel and Suri and Bluebell Madonna have raised the bar for made-up names to an impossible degree. So what did Halle Berry do to name her baby?

By the look of it, she dropped a mug of tea onto her laptop keyboard and called it whatever came up on her screen. It's a good system, which is why we plan to call our first-born Uyyv6v8 Cdl;. Access Hollywood reports:

It's official, Halle Berry's baby daughter's name is: Nahla Ariela Aubry. The name is pronounced ["GNAW-lah ARE-ee-EL-uh"]. Halle spoke directly with Access Hollywood's Nancy O'Dell about choosing the name. "We didn't have a name picked out until just before we left the hospital," Halle told Nancy. "For us it was hard to name the most important person in our life until we met her."

You know, it's wrong of us to judge Halle Berry for calling her daughter Nahla Ariela Aubry – or, as we like to call her, GNAW-lah ARE-ee-EL-uh – because it's Halle Berry's right as a mother and a human being to call her child whatever she sees fit without outside criticism. So this will be the last time we pass judgement on Nahla Ariela Aubry.

Also, we hear that if you say her name three times into a mirror at midnight, a witch leaps out and eats your skin. We don't want that to happen, either.

Read more:

Halle's Daughter: Nahla Ariela Aubry - Access Hollywood 

Now that Halle Berry's finally got round to giving birth to that baby of hers, there's just one question that still needs to be answered.

Is it 'what's the gender of Halle Berry's baby?' because we know it's a girl. It's not 'what's the name of Halle Berry's baby?' either, because she hasn't got round to telling anyone yet.

No – the big question pertaining to Halle Berry's new baby is 'but what does Halle Berry's boyfriend's sister make of the birth?' And we've got the answer to that one after the jump. Alternatively you could just re-read the headline – there's a clue in the title.

Celebrity mothers have it harder than most new mothers, you know. Whereas the traditional routine for a new mother involves a few weeks of stumbling around the house in an insomniac fug dressed in a puke-covered dressing gown and resenting your partner's reproductive system, celebrities have to get back in shape immediately for the magazine cover shoots and the How To Get Your Pre-Baby Body Back fitness DVDs and the front cover of the inevitable I Tried To Smother My Baby In Its Sleep postnatal depression self-help book. 

So sometimes celebrities are too busy to deal with the minutiae of motherhood. Take Halle Berry, for example. Halle Berry gave birth to her baby daughter on Sunday, but as far as we know she hasn't got round to naming it yet. And if Halle Berry hasn't done that yet, then she's hardly likely to comment on her feelings about the baby, is she?

It's clearly Halle Berry's time to delegate, then. But who can Halle trust to give an accurate account of the delicate mix of overwhelming emotions that she's currently experiencing in the first few days of motherhood? Her boyfriend Gabriel Aubry? Hardly – look at him. You can't be that chiseled and smouldering without being as dumb as a bag of sand. Halle Berry's own parents? No. Aubry's parents? No? Friends?

No way – not when Gabriel Aubry's Quebec-based sister is on the scene to recount her own feelings. Well, not 'on the scene' exactly. Unless Quebec is the scene. Is Quebec the scene? Probably not. Anyway, fans of hearing what a woman who's never met the baby thinks of the baby she's never met should read the hell on:

"I was so happy when I found out," Eugenie Aubry, 36, tells PEOPLE about the new baby girl born on Sunday to Halle Berry and Eugenie's younger brother, Gabriel Aubry. "It's been a long time since we've had a new baby in the family," said Eugenie. "It's very exciting." While she has yet to meet her brand new niece, the Canadian resident was thrilled to hear that new mom Halle has been practising her language skills. "I'm a Quebecer, and it's great that she is learning how to speak French," Eugenie says. "I'm glad that the little one will speak French, too." 

What do you mean that the largely positive reaction to a baby's birth by a woman who's related to the baby but has never met it hardly counts as news? What are you, stupid? It was on People magazine's website, so it's obviously news. 

Plus, it has to be news because we've just commissioned a comprehensive 48-part series of reports on everyone who Halle Berry is slightly related to and what they think of the baby, and we don't want to look like fools. So stick around tomorrow for the scorching baby opinions of Halle Berry's second cousin's uncle's wife's niece twice removed. SPOILER ALERT – she thinks the baby's a shithead.

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Halle Berry Boyfriend's Family 'So Happy' About Baby News - People 

At the last count, Halle Berry has been pregnant for somewhere around the 16-year mark or so.

But even confusingly drawn-out celebrity pregnancies have to come to an end at some point, and yesterday Halle Berry gave birth to her first child – a baby girl that hasn't even got a name yet.

Although the birth of her daughter is joyous news for Halle Berry and her immediate family, it's even better news for her neighbours – now that she's had her baby, Halle's obscenely milk-engorged breasts will finally begin to subside, causing less day-to-day structural damage and stopping quite so many people from tripping over her gigantic pregnant nipples.

Staying alive until the year 2026 has just got a whole lot more enticing. Before, all we had to look forward to was the opening of the DLR to Charing Cross and the advent of Vinge's Singularity whereby humans will become slaves to their robot masters forever, but they've just been blown out of the water by the competition between Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt and Halle Berry's unnamed daughter to become the most beautiful human being in all of creation.

Up until yesterday Shiloh looked like a dead cert for the title, but now Halle Berry and her male model boyfriend Gabriel Aubry have just produced a baby girl the field has been blown wide open. Unless by some quirk of genetics Halle Berry's baby is exceptionally ugly. She might be for all we know – as E! Online reports, Halle Berry's keeping details of the baby close to her chest for the time being:

The Oscar winner and her model boyfriend, Gabriel Aubry, welcomed a daughter Sunday in Los Angeles. This is the first child for Berry, who has not yet announced her new arrival's name. The actress is "doing great," according to her rep.

That's it. Wouldn't have taken much to add "the baby looks normal" or "the baby is remarkably ugly" to the statement but, nooo, Halle Berry's probably too busy 'recovering' and 'caring for the new baby' to think about us. Typical.

No doubt Halle Berry is experiencing that extreme mixture of joy and total abject fear that comes with giving birth to a child, but in the past Halle Berry said that she enjoys being pregnant so much that she'll let Aubry knock her up again as soon as possible. That is, unless she gave birth naturally, because if that's the case she's probably still in the 'you're never putting that thing anywhere near me again' stage.

No doubt there'll be all kinds of exclusive baby photo deals with magazines in the coming weeks so we can all see what Halle Berry's baby looks like – early rumours suggest that it probably looks exactly the same as every other baby ever born – but what about the name?

Well, we have some sad news to report. Halle Berry wants the new baby to be an Aubry and not a Berry. That's an insane choice to make, because now it won't be nearly as funny if Halle Berry calls the baby Kerry or Geri or Cherry or Mary or Teri or Cherie. But, nooo, Halle Berry's obviously too busy 'thinking of the longterm benefit of her child' to provide us with three seconds of mild amusement. Selfish bitch.

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Halle Berry Baby Time - E! Online