Scarlett Johansson wants you to know that she don’t need no steenkin’ bosoms, or no steenkin’ bottom.

The actress, once famed for her Marilyn Monroe-like curves, has recently slimmed down and is a shadow of her former self.

Rather than take the well-trodden path of just wearing spectacles or living in her gym clothes, when she wants to make herself comparatively ugly and be taken seriously as an actress, Scarlett has stripped herself bare. Gone is the long, blond mane of cascading curls. Gone is the hourglass silhouette. And worst of all, the famed ScarJo chichis are now barely a C cup!

Salma Hayek can breathe a sigh of relief, and call off the hit-man hired to take care of her greatest competition for “Most Enviable Chichis 2009″. Her title for this year safe. Anywho, even if the Latina were to slim down, her goodies are so magnificent that nothing short of an act of God could make them any smaller.

Back to Scarlett’s boobs. The actress, 24, has disappointed all those who looked a gift horse in the mouth and took her at her word, when she proudly exclaimed that she would never diet.

She said, only back in February, to In Touch magazine, “I don’t need to be skinny to be sexy.”

In the same amount of time it takes Heidi Montag to work out how to heat a Pop Tart (two months), Scarlett has turned her back on her resolution to keep eating like a pig.

She could well have sat in a plum position; one envied by her peers. She could have remained just about the only starlet of her age-range who was allowed to eat more than a handful of grapes in one go.

Being too blind to this privilege and squandering the Hollywood luxury of consuming anything like the recommended daily allowance of fats etc., the Lost In Translation star went head-first into the skinny arms of a famous pal.

Known best for being about the width of a piece of broccoli, and about as interesting, Gwyneth Paltrow was the person to run to Scarlett’s rescue. And by “run”, of course, I mean limply drag her carb-starved bottom as fast as her atrophied legs could carry her.

In preparation for the filming of the new Iron Man 2 film, Scarlett has reportedly lost over 14lbs. Which is, for those who are mathematically challenged, about 7lbs from each knocker. A source told Star magazine:

“The pair have been doing daily workouts with Gwyneth’s personal trainer Tracy Anderson. Scarlett is also staying away from carbohydrates.” The 24-year-old actress decided to diet, reportedly fearing she could lose out on the roles she wants to younger, more attractive actresses A friend said: “Scarlett has always been happy with her curves, but recently she has been feeling pressure to lose a few pounds. She knows that she is up against tough competition from younger, prettier and increasingly skinner actresses.”

Hopefully Scarlett will come to her senses, once the Iron Man 2 filming ends.

It would be far better, in my humble opinion, to be famed for your timeless curves than for your talent. Any stupid old Oscar winner can claim to be talented. But not everyone can make Salma Hayek go green with envy.

This was a blog post by Amy Grindhouse, who will cut you if you don’t read her website immediately.

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Plus, spelt backwards ‘goop’ becomes Poog – which is both a rare digestive disorder where you eat too much macrobiotic food and your poo turns into porridge and the prospective name of Gwyneth Paltrow’s third child. But we digress.

Goop is also the name of Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, which is primarily notable for the fact that everyone thinks it’s a bunch of poncey toss. As you can imagine, Gwyneth Paltrow hasn’t responded well to this.

Like most normal people, we were pretty terrified when Gwyneth Paltrow decided to star in Iron Man and then started knocking around in high heels and miniskirts. Because that’s not the Gwyneth Paltrow that we knew and loved – this was a new Gwyneth Paltrow, a Gwyneth Paltrow we wouldn’t completely hate spending any time with. It frightened us.

We were used to the old Gwyneth Paltrow – the pallid one who looked as if her entire daily dietary intake consisted of three grains of parboiled brown rice. The one who named her children after fruit and mad-eyed biblical figures. The one who genuinely couldn’t stop complaining about anything at all. But there was no need for any of to worry.

Just because Gwyneth Paltrow has started to wear clothes in colours other than beige, grey and three-day-old puddle, it doesn’t mean that she’s a brand new person. She’s still a moany old cow deep down. And the reaction to her lifestyle website has made sure that we never forget that.

If you haven’t yet seen it, Gwyneth Paltrow has got a website called Goop.com, which we assume stands for Gwyneth ‘Objectionably Orful’ Paltrow, that couldn’t be more simpering, wet or patronising if it was a trainee drama teacher. At random, here’s a passage from Goop about Gwyneth Paltrow’s first trip to Paris with her dad:

“On the plane back to London he asked me if I knew why we had gone, just he and I, to Paris for the weekend. I said no, but I felt so lucky for the trip. He said, “I wanted you to see Paris for the first time with a man who would always love you, no matter what.”

Oh, now we get it – Goop is the noise that people make as they try to swallow down all the vomit they involuntarily bring up when they read the website. Genius.

We’re not the only ones to think this – Goop has been hauled over the coals by the press since it was first launched, and now Gwyneth Paltrow has had enough. MSNBC quotes her as saying:

“I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it, don’t really get it, because if they did, they would like it… There’s nothing incendiary about it. I find it really interesting because it’s a harmless [news]letter that goes out each week.”

Oh, you know what? We actually agree with Gwyneth. People just don’t get Goop, because if they did then they’d like it. It’s the same thing as sneaking into a stable at night and mutilating a horse – the only people who bang on about how wrong it is are the people who don’t do it.

That’s why we believe that Gwyneth Paltrow should be allowed to stab as many horses under the cover of night as she wants. We think that was our point. Anything that stops her writing her bloody awful website, anyway.

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That’s because James Gray – the director of Joaquin Phoenix’s new film – says that he feels responsible for Joaquin Phoenix quitting acting, growing a beard like a French lady’s armpit, becoming a rapper and having a completely cuckoo loopy meltdown.

We’re still not convinced that Joaquin Phoenix isn’t hoaxing everyone, but James Gray makes a convincing point – if you spent six months staring at Gwyneth Paltrow’s bare breasts, you’d be lucky to escape with all your marbles, too.

Now that his shambling, paranoid appearance on David Letterman has taken his madness mainstream, the mystery over Joaquin Phoenix’s apparent full-on shitbat wagglespaz has dominated just about everything we’ve seen, read or heard over the last 24 hours.

Has Joaquin Phoenix really quit acting to become a professional rapper with limited motor skills, or is it all just a Borat-style hoax on the world? Nobody knows for sure, but it’s obviously a hoax. There were enough chinks in the Letterman interview to suggest that Joaquin knew exactly what he was up to – plus we’ve yet to see Joaquin Phoenix get out of a car in a short skirt without any knickers on which, as Britney Spears proved, tends to be the first sign of genuine crazy.

But let’s play along for a while anyway. James Gray, the director of Joaquin Phoenix’s latest – and apparently last – movie Two Lovers seems completely certain that Joaquin isn’t playing a prank on anyone at all. What’s more, as ABC News reports, he blames himself for breaking Phoenix’s mind:

“If it is an act, it’s the most committed act I’ve ever seen in my life… Toward the end of the shoot, he kept saying ‘Oh I’m so tired, I’m so tired.’ You hear that kind of thing and you think it’s a joke,” he said. “I just ignored it… I feel like I’ve ruined Joaquin Phoenix for the world. I don’t want to be the guy that destroyed Joaquin Phoenix’s acting career.”

Oh James Gray, don’t be so hard on yourself. You haven’t destroyed Joaquin Phoenix’s acting career – starring in two consecutive M Night Shyamalan movies within the space of two years destroyed Joaquin Phoenix’s acting career.

Some have speculated that James Gray would be furious at Joaquin Phoenix for behaving so confusingly when he should be doing his best to sell Two Lovers to the public, but he’s actually not. In fact, it seems like James Gray is more concerned for Joaquin’s wellbeing than anything.

That’s unless he’s in on the scam as well. And he’s got the perfect reason to be, too – not only has he directed two movies with Joaquin Phoenix now, but he knows the power of marketing. After all, if it wasn’t for Joaquin Phoenix acting like a bearded lunatic who directionlessly rambles his way through interviews, Two Lovers would be primarily known for being the film where Gwyneth Paltrow gets her manky baps out. And people generally prefer to leave cinemas with their eyesight intact, don’t they.

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And it’s all Gwyneth Paltrow’s fault. Tucked away at the bottom of a New York Daily News article about how many molecules of mashed potato she briefly considered touching with her tongue yesterday – or whatever – came the news that Gwyneth Paltrow’s marriage to Chris Martin is ‘on a break’ and that she’s spending a lot of time with an American real estate billionaire named Jeff Soffer.

Great. Maybe Gwyneth Paltrow will end up divorcing Chris Martin and shack up with this Jeff Soffer chap instead. Let’s hope so because, judging by all the insipid cock she’s inspired her husband to write over the years, it’d mean that Gwyneth Paltrow would the impetus for some of the most cluelessly vapid architectural designs ever seen by mankid. Or a swimming pool shaped like a concerned face, at the very least.

It’s no secret that Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna are the best of friends. It’s adorable. They’re both like two little lambs frolicking together in a field. Or one whiny piss-thing lamb that looks a bit malnourished and another lamb in a horrible leotard who actually hasn’t been a lamb for about 30 years but still dresses like one. This analogy’s going nowhere, sorry.

Anyway, Gwyneth Paltrow and Madonna have a freakish amount in common. They both give their kids crappy names. They both look like they live on one grain of rock-hard rice a week. They both think they can do British accents. They both do an inordinate amount of whining. They’re both a bit spiritually batshit. And both of them moved to London to be with their overrated British cultural icon husbands.

Or at least they were. Madonna, of course, divorced her cockney husband Guy Ritchie recently so that she could dedicate her life to thrusting her groin towards baseball players while crying in full view of thousands of strangers. And, since Gwyneth Paltrow is happily married to Beaker from Coldplay, at least they’re different in that sense.

For now, at least. Because it turns out that Gwyneth Paltrow has been spending an awful lot of time around mild-mannered billionaire Jeff Soffer, to the extent that she’s apparently now telling her friends that her marriage is all but over. The New York Daily News reports:

Feeding speculation that Paltrow and Martin are ready to split, Paltrow has been staying at Soffer’s Indian Creek Island mansion and spent Thanksgiving with him, sources said… “Gwyneth has confided to friends she and Chris are taking a break,” a source claimed. “Jeff is crazy about her.”

How true any of this is, we just don’t know. But it does seem perfectly feasible that, given the choice between a billionaire or a funny-haired Bono wannabe whose greatest contribution to mankind will be bellowing the word ‘yellow’ over and over again in the style of an elk being anally brutalised with a spiked club, Gwyneth Paltrow would possibly pick the former.

So it looks like we’ll have to keep Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s marriage under tight watch for the next couple of months. A divorce wouldn’t surprise us because, as history has shown, if either Madonna or Gwyneth Paltrow do something, the other is never far behind.

Well, most of the time, anyway – Gwyneth Paltrow occasionally makes films that aren’t complete monkeybum every now and again. Madonna’s never really seemed to pick up on that.

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And we’re sure it was a hard decision to make – not least because given the choice of siding with an obnoxiously laddy potato-faced oaf like Guy Ritchie or his screechy, uncomfortably religious elderly man of an estranged wife, most normal people would just take the easy route out and throw themselves under a train.

But that’s not a problem that Gwyneth Paltrow has had to face – she’s stepped up to the plate and declared that she’s firmly on Madonna’s side when it comes to the divorce. This, we suspect, is partly because of the great friendship shared by Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, and partly because she’s scared of Madonna chokeslamming her through a brick wall. She could, you know. Look at those arms.

We sincerely hope that none of you are getting bored with this whole Madonna/ Guy Ritchie divorce thing yet. Because, trust us, this is only the beginning. The divorce is going to go on until… wait, we were going to say that the divorce was going to go on until both Guy Ritchie and Madonna are very old indeed, but Madonna’s already beaten us to the punch there. Let’s just say that it’s going to go on for a very long time.

And it’s going to be hard for both of them, especially now that Guy Ritchie has taken to comparing Madonna to scraggy dog food. But it’ll be slightly easier for Madonna, because Madonna has got Gwyneth Paltrow by her side.

Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow have both got so much in common. They’re both Americans living in London, for example, plus they’re both married to British celebrities. Plus they both love yoga and have vaguely nutty religious beliefs. Plus one’s a singer who wrongly thinks she can act and the other is an actor who thinks she can sing. Plus neither of them can pull off a convincing British accent.

Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow, it’s safe to say, are like two peas in a special futuristic pod that makes one of the peas look several decades older than the other.

And because of all these commonalities, Gwyneth Paltrow has vowed to support Madonna in her divorce through thick and thin – which, incidentally, is what we used to call Guy Ritchie and Madonna. BBC News reports:

Hollywood actress Gwyneth Paltrow has revealed she is “supporting” her friend Madonna through her divorce from husband Guy Ritchie. At the UK premiere of her film, Two Lovers, she said: “She’s a very good friend. I’m supporting her in all the ways that I can. I’m just there.”

We can’t help feeling that Gwyneth Paltrow will come to regret making that statement; if not immediately, then on the fourth or fifth time that Madonna has ordered her to daub ‘TINY-COCKED TWAT’ in giant letters across the front of Guy Ritchie’s house at 3am or poo in his shoes when he’s not looking or something.

Still, Guy Ritchie shouldn’t get too downhearted that a megastar like Gwyneth Paltrow has decided to side with Madonna in their divorce – he’s got plenty of famous friends too, and they’re equally as loyal to him. That’s why by tomorrow morning we expect to hear a full and frank endorsement of Guy Ritchie’s character by Dexter Fletcher from Press Gang. Beat that, Madonna.

It's just, It hasn't even called, you know?

Another person who's recently endured physical combat in the name of love, apparently, is Chris Martin. Gwyneth Paltrow just barely stayed in a hospital. When she was released a Papo said the wrong thing at the wrong time – then it was on!

There's even video…

When last we saw Gwyneth Paltrow she was busting dope rhymes along with Jay-Z. When last we saw Chris Martin he was still saying all things everywhere distinctly had a yellow hue to them. But since all that, Gwyneth got rushed to a hospital slumped over in a wheelchair.

Well, on release the two walked to their car, and a few paparazzi were out there trying to make a buck. One of them said to Martin as he passed:

"Congratulations Chris."

To which Martin lost it. He responded with a tackle, a severe finger pointing and a camera semi-steal. Oh, and these words:

"Have some fucking respect!"

The whole thing's on video – we've got a link to where you can see it. Now if it was our wife getting harassed while walking sick out of a hospital we would have handled things differently. For instance, maybe we'd have helicoptered home from the hospital's roof, or maybe we would have jumped directly into our convertible from our third floor hopital room window. Also we could've cloned ourselves and sent out several doubles ahead to lure away the papos.

See? These are all valid peace-riddled options.

We're keeping the spike-shoes though. Just in case.

Read More:

Chris Martin's Pap Attack – Female First