Imagine being Gwyneth Paltrow. Awful isn’t it? All that self-serving hippie-dippy nonsense floating around your head telling you how wonderfully wonderful you are. All the while, Chris Martin gazes at you lovingly like a kindly priest longing after a crumpet.

BLECCH.

Never mind that though because we’re interested in pain! Paltrow’s pain specifically! So join us now in a game of WHO CHEATED ON GWYNETH PALTROW AND CAN YOU BLAME THEM?

During a recent interview (who honestly cares who with), Gwyneth decided to open up about her love life, and dropped a tidbit for everyone to get vaguely excited about.

She said:

“I had a boyfriend who used to cheat on me all the time.”

OOOOH! Cheating! We love cheating! Have you seen Cheaters? Have you seen the one where presenter Joey Greco gets stabbed? It’s brilliant.

Anyway, Gwyn continued:

“I was quite naive. I knew on a cellular level, but I bought his story.”

A cellular level. Got it. She wasn’t finished though. She continued, talking about cheating in general:

“I have friends who I love and admire who have had an affair. When I was younger, I would have said he’s a terrible person or she’s a terrible person. But who made these laws?”

Yeah, whatever. We don’t care about your views on cheating! We want to know who kept having it off with other people behind your back!

Of course, it can’t be Chris Martin because he’s not an ex (he’s a current, unless we’ve missed a gigantic story/opportunity to really mock someone’s pain). And so, we look to people she’s stepped out with.

Hello Ben Affleck, Luke Wilson and Brad Pitt. We’re looking dead-on at you and deciding which one we trust the least. Or indeed, deciding which one of you we assume couldn’t bear to listen to Gwyneth Paltrow’s meek sex-noises and such.

You know what it’s like. You’re minding your own business, doing absolutely nothing wrong and then, KAPOW! Some awful Coldplay song barges into your subconscious while being used as an aspirational bit on some dreary television show.

It simply isn’t fair.

However, thanks to a singing intruder (there clearly should be more ‘singing intruders’… it needs to be a ‘thing’), Chris Martin now knows exactly what it is like for the rest of us poor, innocent, ear-having plebians.

According to various reports, the Coldplay frontweapon revealed how he had to chuck an intruder out of the garden of his family home that he shares with Gwyneth ‘oh jeez, she’s started singing too’ Paltrow.

This warbling trespasser managed to get into Martin’s garden and started singing Coldplay tracks to his pals who were stood outside the premises.

Martin:

“I had a guy the other day who climbed over the gate of our house and started singing Coldplay songs to his friends on the street.”

He added, showing what a dreadful control-freak bore he is:

“Listen, you’re just not doing that right.”

“He politely left. It was bordering on intrusion. Still, it’s nice that people like the songs.”

A proper celebrity would have attacked them with a shovel handle or sent armed guards to get the stun-guns out, but no, not beige Chris Martin. It’s all Polite This and Excuse Me That.

What a grating loser.

You’ve heard Coldplay right? Yeah, that’s the guys that make tepid, stadium-sized faeces, swarmed upon by tasteless flies who like vague lyrics that kinda sound aspirational or touching, but best not to dwell on it because that’s not why one goes to a Coldplay gig.

Basically, it’s music for the bone idle.

Disagree? Well, hear this, chumps: Even Chris Martin’s own children – those little oiks who he loves unreservedly and will support for the rest of their lives – don’t even like Coldplay. And Chris Martin knows that to try and force them would be folly.

Chris, who is of course married to the similarly musically-talentless-but-still-sings-for-money-anyway Gwyneth Paltrow, says that he doesn’t want to force his children to like Coldplay.

Fair deal really seeing as he foisted terrible names on them – Apple and Moses.

Martin told the USA Today newspaper:

“My children made me focused on not wasting time on anything I don’t think is worth wasting time on.

“So that’s affected my editing process. You don’t want to spend months and months doing something and have it turn out terrible. You want your kids to be proud, basically. So it gives you extra drive.”

Alas, if this is the case, then we have to equate Martin’s love for his children with his musical output. If they’re driving him to become better, then it’s only fair that the quality of the music is in direct proportion to how much he loves Moses and Apple.

Have you heard the newest Coldplay material?

Call the adoption agency.

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Imagine waking up every morning and seeing Coldplay’s Chris Martin lying there in his hemp pyjamas, gurgling while he dreams about drawing another slogan on his hand which will end world hunger.

It’s little wonder then, that Gwyneth Paltrow has conducted an interview saying that she “respects and admires” people who have conducted extra-marital affairs.

This is presumably because she can think of doing little else.

Paltrow has been married to Martin for nearly a decade now and is clearly so bored with life, that she’s written a cook book and thinking about becoming a professional singer, just to show her husband how easy it is to get a record out these days.

But she really needs someone else to share juices with. She says:

“I am a great romantic – but I also think you can be a romantic and a realist.

“Life is complicated and long and I know people that I respect and admire and look up to who have had extra-marital affairs. It’s like we’re flawed – we’re human beings and sometimes you make choices that other people are going to judge.

“That’s their problem but I really think that the more I live my life the more I learn not to judge people for what they do.”

Of course, she’ll be very understanding and forgiving should Chris have it away with all those middle-class groupies that attend Coldplay’s tedium events in the stadiums of the world.

Either way, if you’re nothing like Chris Martin and have a noticeable personality, you might be in with a chance of being Gwyn’s bit of crumpet on the side.

That’s nice isn’t it. Do tell her to stop singing if you’re the lucky affairee.

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Chris Martin’s Coldplay are unquestionably successful. The amount of records they sell and the number of people who attend their shows around the world are often held up as proof of their quality.

By that token, you could argue that dog muck is brilliant because millions of flies just can’t get enough of it. Or racism. That’s popular around the world too.

Regardless, Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t care about all that because she knows best. She’s launching her music career and doesn’t need stupid advice from that dippy, stadium filling husband of hers. She presumably thinks Coldplay are just hangar sized turds.

Of course, Gwyneth doesn’t think that at all. She’s as insipid as he is. You can just imagine them sat in their lentil built mansion wiping the tears of carrots away while worrying about the third world can’t you?

And talking of her husband’s musical prowess, she said something remarkably berky.

“He’s a musical genius. It’s like living with Picasso, and being like, ‘Should I make a little something-something?’”

You heard. Musical genius. The man who wrote:

“And the spies came out of the water but you’re feeling so good, ’cause you know.”

Amazing. Still, Paltrow shows good taste in performance coaches, as it transpires that she tapped up Beyonce for tips on how to loosen up before her awful performance with Cee Lo Green at the Grammy Awards.

“Beyonce’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun’. She’s like, ‘Remember when we’re at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that. Be you!’”

“Beyonce and Jay – they think that I should just go do it by myself. That I should go… in a studio and see what happens. And if it’s good, do it. And if it’s not, don’t. So that’s probably what I’ll do”

Here’s some advice. Don’t. Ever. This is what happens when actors try singing.

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Gwyneth Paltrow is the love of our lives. She’s adored more than every single one of the people we drunkenly fumbled around with behind the bike sheds in heckler high school. More than the assorted people we’ve since collectively married in Las Vegas – none of whom we’ve bothered to divorce because we each yelled ‘Take backsies!’ She’s the site’s #1. Because, to be blunt, she’s a b*tch.

And she provides a disproportionate amount of fodder in the form of obnoxious quotes. In this case, she even sounds sanctimonious when talking about how her c**t grandmother is more of a c**t than your peasant grandmother.

Wait what?

We’ll have her know our collective grandmothers are entirely as c**ty as they want to be, thank you very much. Moreover, being a pauper’s the best thing since sliced bread because you have an excuse for living in your pyjama bottoms and existing on a diet of pizza and fizzy pop. It’s like, economics or something. We’re pretty sure that thing in that book about economics mentions pizza and Jeremy Kyle. Yeah, it’s on that page where Mof doodled in the margin.

Back to the point, Gwyneth gave an interview with the U.S.’s Chelsea Lately with Chelsea Handler and spoke about what an annoying bunch of a**holes her extended family were. Or something. Or she could have just been trying to one-up also-German Chelsea with her name-calling.

Appearing on “Chelsea Lately” Monday night, Paltrow spoke about the tough time she had relating to her mutti. Both Handler and Paltrow reminisced about their German grandmoms, and when Handler called hers a “b**ch,” Paltrow one-upped her. “My grandmother was a real c**t,” Paltrow laughed. “She basically hated my guts. She tried to poison my mother against me, but it didn’t work because I have a great mother. She was just tough, just tough. You look back and you think she must not have been very happy and she must have had a lot of pain because she was mean as hell.”

As a side note, screaming ‘Take backsies!’ and running like the wind is a totally valid substitute for divorce. Right? If not, um, if any one calls the hecklerspray hovel, we’re in the loo. Together. Where it’s safe.There are about a dozen jilted wives and husbands out there somewhere and we’ll be damned if they’re getting half the beer, the hovel, and the commenters in the divorces.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse and she’s the biggest c*nt going.

Gwyneth Paltrow is about to become the latest actor who thinks that it is completely fine to totter toward the world of pop music and have a stab at turning it into a career, despite the fact that this road is littered with corpses of thesps who have failed miserably before her.

And yes, we will be looking at actors who have made awful records in the past, but give us a second to be nasty about her first, okay?

Paltrow is apparently set to sign a $900,000 contract with Atlantic Records, which must be a moment of real pride for her husband, Coldplay’s Chris Martin. If you multiply their musical talents, it might just scrape the equivalent music prowess of someone like… we dunno… Chris De Burgh’s little toe. And De Burgh is about as musically gifted as a horse in labour (apologies to Mr Ed who we’re sure had a lovely singing voice).

Paltrow, who was initially encouraged to sing by the swine behind Glee, has gone on to perform at the Grammy’s, howling like ward patient during Cee Lo Green’s ‘Asterisk You’.

All the while, you can just imagine Chris Martin, at home, cooing about how great she is, and generally being painfully sweet and pathetically kind about the whole thing while Gwyn wrings her hands, worrying about the whole stupid singing thing.

Of course, she’s not the first Hollywood chump to have a stab at a singing career.

Catherine Zeta Jones decided to make some earthy synth garbage in the ’90s, wafting her arms around like she had the world’s most embarrassing, flowing nervous tic and standing in the desert with a wind machine farting in her face.

Paltrow isn’t likely to go down the Zeta Jones route (bad commercial pop and the eventual marriage to a embalmed mummy of a man), rather, she could be the next Minnie Driver! Yes, Minnie made a hash of country-pop and everyone suddenly stopped hiring her for films.

Which is great for the rest of us, obviously. We can only hope that Paltrow’s career sees a similar downward turn.

Still, not all actors face a collective shunning from the public after making spectacularly woeful records. For some reason, we’ve all conveniently forgotten Bruce Willis’ legacy at – unbelievably – Motown. Yep, he butchered a load of soul and R&B classics, as well as producing schlock like this.

Still, we can only hope that Paltrow has a curve ball in her ammo and manages to make ass-obsessed music with cod-blues and bad white boy funk, just like perma-varnished kung fu penis, Steven Seagal.

Please let this happen Paltrow. Don’t go making an album that’s forgettably insipid. Really go for it and throw a high-concept at it too, so we can all remember the time you career came off the rails and careered into a playground filled with sick nanas, blowing everyone to grisly smithereens. We’re thinking Shatner’s ‘Transformed Man’ album specifically.

YOU MUST.

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Hollywood is stupid and filled with stupid people. Basically, actors strive to hone their art all their lives to deliver realistic and devastating portrayals of real people… real people they’ve not had to deal with for many years… and shed their personality to morph into someone else.

And for what? Well, aside from the millions they get paid, it seems to be all in the name of getting your name written on the floor. How magical!

The latest thesp to get their name situated in a place where dogs can shit on it is Gwyneth Paltrow who now has her name on a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. 

Of course, like all awards, there were people on hand to gush like a pensioner during a prolonged sneezing fit.

Shana Feste, director of Paltrow’s latest movie Country Strong, was on hand to writhe around like a pig in shit:

“[Paltrow is] a strange acting alien… created to perform”.

“You could be having the most mundane conversation about the weather, and she hears the word ‘action’, and she would deliver the most nuanced, layered, heartbreakingly beautiful scene and look at you like she just tied her shoe.”

And now, people will be able to tie their shoes while stood on her name! How bloody brilliant.

There’s more good news for Gwyneth’s CV. She’s been asked to appear on Glee again.

She’s played substitute teacher Holly Holiday (a Boney M fan then?) in high school singathon and could be seen singing Cee Lo’s ‘Forget You’ (the most irritating song of 2010) as well as a mash-up of ‘Singin’ in the Rain’ and Rihanna’s ‘Umbrella’.

In her next performances, she’ll be singing ‘I Stab People’ by Insane Clown Posse and Carcass’s ‘Vomited Anal Tract’. You read it here first.

Meanwhile, her husband is threatening to ruin everything forever with the promise of a Coldplay concept album. Apparently, sales of strong rope and weak chairs have rocketed.

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Actors, for the most part, shouldn’t ever be encouraged to sing. Think about the characterless renditions heard in Walk The Line. Have you even heard Bill Shatner singing ‘Mr Tambourine Man’? Have you?!

Well, the next thesp to make you wish humans had never evolved ears is Gwyneth Paltrow who is threatening to sing at next month’s Country Music Association Awards. It’s little wonder she’s having a go though, seeing as she’s not even the least tuneful adult in her house.

She’s married to Chris Martin from Coldplay. That was a joke about how he’s rubbish at singing.

Anyway, Paltrow is going to warble her way through the title track of her new movie Country Strong and will be joined by someone called Vince Gill who no-one has heard of… apart from dewy eyed, sentimental widowers who probably have cushions with Vince’s face printed on them.

Taylor Swift and Keith Urban are also set to perform at the ceremony, which takes place at Nashville’s Bridgestone Arena on 10th November and, to be perfectly honest, it might be worth filling your ear canals up with peanut butter, just in case you accidentally hear some of it.

This is all part of her delving into the world of country music as she stars in in Country Strong as a fallen country singer who tries to revive her career by going on tour.

Paltrow researched the history of country music when she accepted the role.

“I sort of started at the beginning with Hank [Williams] Sr. and Johnny Cash and really studied Dolly [Parton] and Loretta Lynn.

“I had never really known very much about country music, and I now am very into it. I know a lot more about it than I did.”

That’s research for you, y’tit!

Of course, Paltrow is going to do some more singing on television as she’s landed a guest role in Glee.

She’ll be playing a supply teacher who ends up falling for high school choir leader Will Schuester and his weirdly symmetrical face.

During her stint on the show, it is rumoured that she’ll perform three or four solo songs, which you’ll be able watch through your fingers next month.

‘Til then, listen to this bollocks.

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Gwyneth Paltrow will stop fannying about with her silly GOOP website for five minutes to hang with the kids. Not her own kids, you silly bugger – the 25-year-olds playing school children on Glee.

To be clear, that’s not Glee spelt with an ‘L’. It’s spelt with some one’s hands cunningly fashioned into an ‘L’ shape, as that’s what those wacky kids are doing these days.

Gwyneth seems like a nice enough lady. By that we mean, if she were our geography teacher or something we’d like her just as much (we don’t just make that comparison because she reminds this writer of nice Mrs. Smith who always smelt like a heady mix of cat urine and fish).

The actress, 37-years-old and married to Chris Martin, seen in movies such as Iron Man/ Iron Man 2, is best known for being just the wrong side of pretentious with half the things she says and does. The right side of pretentious would be having the nerve to call a website GOOP. The wrong side would be using said website to preach lifestyle advice, in newsletter form, to one’s admirer(s).

What the heck were we talking about – all this talk of things that rhyme with ‘poop’, and that teacher that smells of pee – to this day – threw us off track.

Oh yeah. The rigid, unfunny, world’s-best-geography-teacher-that-never-was is going to star on a television programme. One that’s made of funnies and aims itself at young people.

These things thrown into a blender together are so incongruous that it’s giving us a splitting headache.

While we drink these throbbing pains away, have a butchers at these details on her appearence.

Gwyneth Paltrow will guest-star in two November episodes of Glee, sources tell E! News. According to the report, Paltrow, 37, will sing and dance as a substitute teacher/glee club coach who fills in for an ailing Mr. Schuester (Matthew Morrison). The glee club kids quickly take a shine to Paltrow’s sub — as does Mr. Schuester himself, who develops a hard crush despite his romance with fellow teacher Emma (Jayma Mays). Paltrow worked with Glee creator Ryan Murphy in his 2006 feature film directorial debut Running With Scissors.

This was a guest post by Amy Grindhouse, so hooray for that.

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Great news everyone! Iron Man 2 comes out soon! Imagine all the glitzy no-expense-spared promotion we’re in for!

It’ll be so much fun! All the stars, dressed up to the nines, selling the movie for all that it’s worth. Maybe Robert Downey Jr will say something funny, or Scarlett Johansson will wear something sexy, or Mickey Rourke will be entertainingly shambolic, or Gwyneth Paltrow will declare to the world that she’s full of hatred, revels in the misfortune of others, was incapable of experiencing any maternal feelings towards her own child and looks like a grotesque sack of dogmuck whenever she takes her clothes off.

What’s that? Gwyneth Paltrow has just done that exact thing? Ahahaha hahaha hahahaha ha. No, really, that’s just wonderful.

Gwyneth Paltrow finds herself in a unenviable position less than a month away from the release of Iron Man 2. Back when the first film was released, it was all about her and Robert Downey Jr, and she was able to snare the most amount of headlines simply by wobbling around in some slightly impractical shoes.

But with Iron Man 2, Gwyneth has found herself trying to compete with not just Robert Downey Jr, but also Mickey Rourke and Scarlett Johansson. So what can she do? She can’t try to be sexier than Scarlett Johansson, because that’d just be stupid, and she can’t try to be edgier than Robert Downey Jr or Mickey Rourke, because she has never blown her entire career in an orgy of drugs and/or a desire to be taken seriously as a professional boxer. She’s just Gwyneth Paltrow. Dappy old macrobiotic, brown rice-eating, Coldplay-enjoying idiot Gwyneth Paltrow. She’s screwed.

Except she’s not. Because under that simpering facade lurks the heart of a monster. Honestly, if you were to compile a list of humanity’s worst traits, Gwyneth Paltrow would tick all of them. With a hammer. Because it turns out that, by her own admission, Gwyneth Paltrow is basically Hitler. Listen to some of the things she’s just told Vogue:

“Oh yes, I can be mean. I can cave in to gossip. I can ice people out and I can definitely harbor revenge. In fact, I’m having a situation right now with a friend where I’m feeling pretty angry.”

No, not good enough? How about this, about her feelings towards her son Moses?

“At my lowest, I was a robot. I just didn’t feel anything. I had no maternal feelings for him – it was awful. I had no thoughts of harming him, thank God, but I couldn’t connect, and still, when I look pictures of him at three months old, I don’t remember that time.”

In addition to this, Gwyneth also did an interview with Harper’s Bazaar where she revealed that she’s eaten so much food lately that she weighs as much as a continent and her buttocks scrape along the ground when she walks and you could fit a full-sized dustbin inside her belly button (we’re paraphrasing). For some reason it seems like Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t want us to like her any more.

But you know what? Let’s not buy this darker, stormier Gwyneth Paltrow just yet. Once she’s realised that nobody is paying attention to her, she’ll have to try even harder to convince us that she’s not an insipid wimp. Who knows, maybe at the Iron Man 2 premiere she’ll kick a lamb in the face or punch a baby or something. We can only hope.

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Iron Man 2 is one of 2010′s biggest films – because what do people like more than beardy, middle-aged punching robots?

Nothing, that’s what. But what can we expect from Iron Man 2? Will there be more explosions? Yes! Will there be more fight scenes? Yes! Will there be more gnarled, topless old men who talk in an affected Russian accent so ludicrous that it’d be offensive if it wasn’t so indecipherable? Yes!

We know this because a new Iron Man 2 trailer has just been released. But, like most modern things, it’s all a bit too whizz-bang for us to understand. So we’ve decided to slow down the new Iron Man 2 trailer and talk you through it scene by scene. Once again, you’re welcome…

So let’s get things started right away. Here’s the new Iron Man 2 trailer…

Wait, what just happened? We don’t know either. That was such a jumble of unconnected images and noises that there isn’t a human being on the face of the planet who could have absorbed all of that information at once. So let’s put on our decoding hats and work out exactly what Iron Man 2 will hold…

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 1

Hey, look, it’s Sherlock Holmes! No, wait, not Sherlock Holmes, the other one. You know, Charlie Chaplin. No, wait, not Charlie Chaplin either. That bloke from Ally McBeal? Yes, that’s who it is. He’s wearing a metal suit, but that’s probably got something to do with one of Ally McBeal’s zany fantasy sequences. Yes, that’s almost definitely what’s happening here.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 2

It’s Scarlett Johansson. This is undoubtedly a good thing, because she always improves every movie she ever stars in. Like, say, that crappy Woody Allen film. And Michael Bay‘s The Island. And He’s Just Not That Into You. And… oh, who are we kidding? Scarlett Johansson makes all films worse. Incidentally, the sound you can hear over this shot in the Iron Man 2 trailer is the sound of Gwyneth Paltrow grinding her teeth because she’s not the prettiest woman in Iron Man any more.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 3

This is Mickey Rourke‘s big scene. His big monologue that introduces not only his character’s personal philosophy, but also one of the main themes of the film. So it’s a bit of a bloody shame that he’s decided to do it in a ridiculously impenetrable Russian accent. We think he’s saying “Ivooka may cobbley, pee poo wiseizto bleevim. Deyvill deploy dewatoo anna shaksucum. AHAHAHA!” But we could be wrong.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 4

Here are some of the other enemies that Iron Man will face in this movie. They’re stormtroopers. No, wait, not stormtroopers. Footsoldiers. No, wait, not those either. Oh, we don’t know.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 5

But, look, here’s Robert Downey Jr and Not Terrence Howard blowing some of them up. Poor Terrence Howard. He must watch this and feel so sad that it isn’t a wholly computer-generated image of a robot of roughly his size that’s blowing up other computer-generated robots in a film.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 6

In this scene, Scarlett Johansson makes something hot fire out of Robert Downey Jr’s penis. No, wait, we meant she’s made his weapon ejaculate. No, wait, we meant she’s wanked off his metal shaft. No wait, we… oh, actually we were right. Scarlett Johansson has wanked off Robert Downey Jr’s metal shaft.

IRON MAN 2 TRAILER SCENE 7

In Iron Man 2, the Iron Man suit can be reduced into the size of a portable suitcase. The moral here is that you should never stand behind Robert Downey Jr at airport security. If a line can be held up by someone not taking their laptop out of their bag properly, imagine what they’d do if he tried to put a fully-functioning flying robot through the scanners. You’d be waiting for hours. You’d probably miss your plane. He’s inconsiderate, that’s what Robert Downey Jr is. Screw you, Robert Downey Jr! You can stick your Iron Man 2 up your arse!

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The sixties were all about ‘Free love’. The seventies was the age of great movie-making and music. The eighties was epitomised by consumerism and the 1990’s had er, the Tamagotchi.

Every decade becomes synonymous with a particular movement, fashion or mood. As such, the 2010’s (or ‘Teens’ as it’s known to total idiots) will henceforth be known as the ‘Decade Where People Broke Down Or Cried A Bit On Telly’. So far, we’ve had the usually stone-faced political spin doctor Alistair Campbell wobble on Andrew Marr’s BBC show and news that Gordon Brown gets emotional during his soon-to-be-televised interview with Piers Morgan. Though surely just hearing that the PM had to meet PM would have been enough to cause hysterical weeping on a grand scale.

Kicking off the ‘Teens’ – sorry, 2010’s – Cry-O-Vision trend was of course the King of Hearts himself, Peter Andre. To celebrate the upcoming ten years of televisual tears, let’s take a look back at that and some other celebrities secreting liquid from their lacrimal glands in response to emotional stress. Why? Because THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT…!

10 – Peter Andre

You’ve got to feel sorry for Andre here really, haven’t you? Cynically railroaded into getting upset by that cyborg Kay Burley. Still, consider his situation – crying on Sky News because Dwight Yorke‘s criticising you for adopting his child, while you fight a custody battle with your ex wife, Jordan. Who is now married to a martial artist transvestite. Ah, for the simpler days of Mysterious Girl…

9 – Angelina Jolie

Angelina shows her emotional side here as she, in absolutely no way tries to positively boost her public profile.

8 – Heidi Montag

Now she’s either crying in this clip or the botox is leaking. Either way, we love her here, don’t we?

7 – Ellen DeGeneres

With the experience Ellen has in being left by dogs, you might have thought that she could deal with this latest episode of canine desertion. That was a joke about Anne Heche by the way. Tee hee hee!

6 – John Terry

No list mocking celebrities would be complete at the moment without a mention of this chap, so representing the worlds of sport and adultery – here’s John Terry!

5 – Gwyneth Paltrow

There are plenty of fawning, over-the-top Oscar speech blubfests to choose from, but Chris Martin’s missus’s 1999 Best Actress acceptance is surely the most cringe-worthy of all.

4 – The Game

After being spurned by the majority of the hip-hop community for collaboration on a protest track about police brutality, The Game broke down and cried during an interview. Which is strange because we didn’t know that The Game is a girl. That’s right, Hecklerspray is dissing you, TG. Maximum disrespect.

3 – Britney Spears

Anyone suffering from an irony intolerance should beware of this clip as Britney cries to the media about being in the media too much. We all know that the real reason that she’s crying here is that she’s upset about people making fun of internet tantrum sensation Chris Crocker after all he’s been through! ‘LEAVE CHRIS ALONE!’ She’s practically screaming here.

2 – Jessica Simpson

In a staggeringly powerful moment of self-realisation, Jessica Simpson suddenly hears her own dreadful song and voice, then remembers that she slept with the massive bell-end that is John Mayer. Boo hoo indeed!

1 – Beyonce

Quite sweet actually, this one. She’s lovely, isn’t she? If anyone has her number, can you please leave it in the comments section below please? Don’t worry about Jay-Z, he’s a girl. That’s right, Hecklerspray is dissing you too, JZ. Maxi… etc.

So there you have it. Enjoy that? Yeah you’re right, it was a little depressing.

Next week: TOP 10 Genocides!

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Scarlett Johansson wants you to know that she don’t need no steenkin’ bosoms, or no steenkin’ bottom.

The actress, once famed for her Marilyn Monroe-like curves, has recently slimmed down and is a shadow of her former self.

Rather than take the well-trodden path of just wearing spectacles or living in her gym clothes, when she wants to make herself comparatively ugly and be taken seriously as an actress, Scarlett has stripped herself bare. Gone is the long, blond mane of cascading curls. Gone is the hourglass silhouette. And worst of all, the famed ScarJo chichis are now barely a C cup!

Salma Hayek can breathe a sigh of relief, and call off the hit-man hired to take care of her greatest competition for “Most Enviable Chichis 2009″. Her title for this year safe. Anywho, even if the Latina were to slim down, her goodies are so magnificent that nothing short of an act of God could make them any smaller.

Back to Scarlett’s boobs. The actress, 24, has disappointed all those who looked a gift horse in the mouth and took her at her word, when she proudly exclaimed that she would never diet.

She said, only back in February, to In Touch magazine, “I don’t need to be skinny to be sexy.”

In the same amount of time it takes Heidi Montag to work out how to heat a Pop Tart (two months), Scarlett has turned her back on her resolution to keep eating like a pig.

She could well have sat in a plum position; one envied by her peers. She could have remained just about the only starlet of her age-range who was allowed to eat more than a handful of grapes in one go.

Being too blind to this privilege and squandering the Hollywood luxury of consuming anything like the recommended daily allowance of fats etc., the Lost In Translation star went head-first into the skinny arms of a famous pal.

Known best for being about the width of a piece of broccoli, and about as interesting, Gwyneth Paltrow was the person to run to Scarlett’s rescue. And by “run”, of course, I mean limply drag her carb-starved bottom as fast as her atrophied legs could carry her.

In preparation for the filming of the new Iron Man 2 film, Scarlett has reportedly lost over 14lbs. Which is, for those who are mathematically challenged, about 7lbs from each knocker. A source told Star magazine:

“The pair have been doing daily workouts with Gwyneth’s personal trainer Tracy Anderson. Scarlett is also staying away from carbohydrates.” The 24-year-old actress decided to diet, reportedly fearing she could lose out on the roles she wants to younger, more attractive actresses A friend said: “Scarlett has always been happy with her curves, but recently she has been feeling pressure to lose a few pounds. She knows that she is up against tough competition from younger, prettier and increasingly skinner actresses.”

Hopefully Scarlett will come to her senses, once the Iron Man 2 filming ends.

It would be far better, in my humble opinion, to be famed for your timeless curves than for your talent. Any stupid old Oscar winner can claim to be talented. But not everyone can make Salma Hayek go green with envy.

This was a blog post by Amy Grindhouse, who will cut you if you don’t read her website immediately.

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Gwyneth Paltrow has a long history with the word ‘goop’ – it’s the noise her macrobiotic meals make as they get served onto a plate, for example.

Plus, spelt backwards ‘goop’ becomes Poog – which is both a rare digestive disorder where you eat too much macrobiotic food and your poo turns into porridge and the prospective name of Gwyneth Paltrow’s third child. But we digress.

Goop is also the name of Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, which is primarily notable for the fact that everyone thinks it’s a bunch of poncey toss. As you can imagine, Gwyneth Paltrow hasn’t responded well to this.

Like most normal people, we were pretty terrified when Gwyneth Paltrow decided to star in Iron Man and then started knocking around in high heels and miniskirts. Because that’s not the Gwyneth Paltrow that we knew and loved – this was a new Gwyneth Paltrow, a Gwyneth Paltrow we wouldn’t completely hate spending any time with. It frightened us.

We were used to the old Gwyneth Paltrow – the pallid one who looked as if her entire daily dietary intake consisted of three grains of parboiled brown rice. The one who named her children after fruit and mad-eyed biblical figures. The one who genuinely couldn’t stop complaining about anything at all. But there was no need for any of to worry.

Just because Gwyneth Paltrow has started to wear clothes in colours other than beige, grey and three-day-old puddle, it doesn’t mean that she’s a brand new person. She’s still a moany old cow deep down. And the reaction to her lifestyle website has made sure that we never forget that.

If you haven’t yet seen it, Gwyneth Paltrow has got a website called Goop.com, which we assume stands for Gwyneth ‘Objectionably Orful’ Paltrow, that couldn’t be more simpering, wet or patronising if it was a trainee drama teacher. At random, here’s a passage from Goop about Gwyneth Paltrow’s first trip to Paris with her dad:

“On the plane back to London he asked me if I knew why we had gone, just he and I, to Paris for the weekend. I said no, but I felt so lucky for the trip. He said, “I wanted you to see Paris for the first time with a man who would always love you, no matter what.”

Oh, now we get it – Goop is the noise that people make as they try to swallow down all the vomit they involuntarily bring up when they read the website. Genius.

We’re not the only ones to think this – Goop has been hauled over the coals by the press since it was first launched, and now Gwyneth Paltrow has had enough. MSNBC quotes her as saying:

“I think the people who are criticizing it or criticizing the idea of it, don’t really get it, because if they did, they would like it… There’s nothing incendiary about it. I find it really interesting because it’s a harmless [news]letter that goes out each week.”

Oh, you know what? We actually agree with Gwyneth. People just don’t get Goop, because if they did then they’d like it. It’s the same thing as sneaking into a stable at night and mutilating a horse – the only people who bang on about how wrong it is are the people who don’t do it.

That’s why we believe that Gwyneth Paltrow should be allowed to stab as many horses under the cover of night as she wants. We think that was our point. Anything that stops her writing her bloody awful website, anyway.

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