Some days I wake up and it’s as if God himself is smiling down upon me, and today is one of those days. While I was lotioning up my hands this morning, as I’ve recently sustained horrible burns to them from a boiling soup incident (I know many of you think I deserve this), a notification came up on my phone about Gwyneth Paltrow (of course I get celeb gossip updates to my phone).
The first blog I ever wrote back in 2013 was about Gwennie and the shit she gets on with, and boy is she literally getting on with shit today, teaching all us poor, uneducated peasants how to properly take it in the ass. The Lord doth giveth today, my friends.
GOOP is apparently still a thing, and yesterday it released it’s second annual Sex Issue, just in time for my husband’s birthday, because nothing says ‘Happy Birthday, Baby’ like sex tips you got from Gwyneth Paltrow.
In last year’s issue she famously suggested a $15,000 dildo, because nothing turns ladies on more than fucking half of their student loan. This year, she interviewed a psychoanalyst named Paul Joannides about anal sex for a little piece called ‘Reality Check: Anal Sex.’
First of all, this is 2017. Anal sex is pretty much second base now, and you don’t even want to know what third base is, do I don’t think anyone really needs hot anal tips from a chick that was married to the lead singer of Coldplay for 10 fucking years.
However, if you do want her GROUNDBREAKING tips, here they are:
Practice teaching your sphincter muscles to relax.
Use lots of lube.
Don’t have anal while drunk or stoned.
If the penis hurts, use a lubed up finger.
Wow, Gwyneth! None of us would have ever thought of using a ton of lube and relaxing our assholes before trying anal sex. I suppose we WOULD need to interview a doctor to find that out.
Also, don’t have anal while drunk or stoned? Ummm…when exactly do you think people have anal? Please find me these sober people who are constantly going around looking to try anal for the first time, because I’m like 90% sure that deciding to have anal sex is what happens after your 7th glass of red wine.
Taking sex advice from Gwyneth Paltrow is like taking parenting advice from Kris Jenner. Either way, someone ends up with a really expensive dildo in their ass.