You guys have probably noticed that I haven’t been blogging as much this past month (or maybe you haven’t, who knows?). Part of this is because I was on a sweet Disney vacation with my family for almost two weeks, the other part is that celebrity gossip has gotten boring af.
Back in my day (2003-2009?), everyone was partying too hard, having meltdowns, addicted to drugs and alcohol, dropping sex tapes, picking up eating disorders, having affairs, banging each others exes, and I’m legit just referring to Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan.
Now I feel like all I ever do is write about some dumb shit the Kardashians/Jenners are doing and its crazy boring. Like, every once in a while I can sprinkle in some Drake, Rihanna, and maybe some hilarious Z-list celebrity, but 99% of this shit is just Kardashian updates, AND THAT ISN’T MY CHOICE! It’s just that no one else is giving me shit to work with!
When did celebrities get so fucking boring?!
Anyway, since y’all are boring me half to death and giving me nothing to write about, I figured I’d fantasize about the stories I’d like to be writing, and I promise you none of them are Kardashian related.
Lindsay Lohan Nominated for Oscar!
Ok, yes, I know I’ve said in the past that I have officially lost all confidence in her ability to have any sort of career comeback, but in this dream world I speak of, Lindsay Lohan finally makes smart career choices, takes a supporting role in a quality indie pic about middle-class, 30-something white people in Portland with opioid addictions, and ends up getting nominated for an Oscar. Not winning, just a nomination. I would write the shit out of that story.
Bella Hadid and The Weeknd Get Back Together!
I am a married, 30-year-old mother who is for some reason obsessed with Bella Hadid (she gives me young Stephanie Seymore in a Guns N’ Roses video vibes) and was CRUSHED when her and The Weeknd broke up and he BETRAYED her with that moron Selena Gomez. So yes, I would love to be writing about how The Weeknd came to his SENSES and left Selena to get back with Bella, thus making me forever happy.
Drake and Rihanna Engaged and Expecting!
It turns out all that baby mama drama from this past month was not true, and after years of playing mind games with me, Drake and Rihanna FINALLY decided to make it official and pro-create! It is the story I was born to write!
Katy Perry Gets Throat Polyps; Can Never Sing Again!
Am I the only person who thinks Katy Perry’s songs are just awful and her voice sounds like my cat when she’s pissed off because I’ve forgotten to change the litter? Just shrill and annoying, but always there so you’re like UGH! FINE! ESME I’LL GO CHANGE THE LITTER! JESUS! That is literally Katy Perry summed up for me.
Gwyneth Paltrow and Taylor Swift Admit They’re Just Awful People.
Yeah, I feel like this one just really speaks for itself. (Sorry Lori, I know how much you love T. Swizzle)