The ongoing battle between Gwyneth Paltrow and Martha Stewart is both hilarious and so white it’s blinding.? While rappers shoot each other, and rock stars use their fists and sleep with the wives of their enemies, apparently rich privileged ladies make passive aggressive desserts and put them to print.
Damn,?I guess when your livelihood is?making someone feel like a less than adequate woman if they don’t have proper napkin rings, none of?us should be surprised at?how gangsta these two could get.
One might think Gwyneth Paltrow and Martha Stewart would be besties, sitting around together on their $10,000 white couches handmade by Siberian monks, sipping their water filtered by diamonds.?? But that person would be so very, very wrong.? Martha is the queen of all things uppity and crafty, and she really doesn’t appreciate it when basic bitches come for her throne.? So when Paltrow decided to start her Goop shit, and pretend that she was on Stewart’s level, so began the war of the rich white ladies.
Through the years, both have made pretty passive comments about each other in the press.? Martha definitely more mocking and judgmental, with Paltrow trying to pretend she was just a fan of Stewart’s.? “Bless your heart” versus “Imitation is the highest form of flattery” type shit.? But things are starting to get more obvious, more ridiculous, and therefore so much better to watch.
For this month’s issue of Martha Stewart Living, Martha threw the ultimate shade with this dessert and title:
This is what the fine print says:
“Every Thanksgiving table should be blessed with the presence of a long-married pair who bring out the best in each other, are completely enamored despite their differences, and leave every other guest thinking, I'll have what they're having. Our holiday pies honor such so there's a pleasant mix of textures and flavors in every bite. No matter how you slice partnerships, each spotlighting the perfect marriage of crust and filling these six irresistible desserts, there is a whole lot to love.”
Excuse me while I wipe a tear from my eye for laughing so hard.? And pardon that low growl you hear, that’d be my stomach.? Side note, who attempts to start a diet the weekend of Thanksgiving?? Fools do.? Stupid fucking fools.
Well, now the Goopster has shot back.
That’s all you got, Paltrow?? Yes, Martha went to jail.? But like a boss, that bitch owned those inmates and made even the toughest broad her knitting buddy.? Also, way to take a cheap ass dessert and try to make it fancy.?? I make this shit all the time using chocolate animal crackers and Cool Whip.? Don’t raise those eyebrows at me.? If you bring this delicacy to Grandma’s on Thanksgiving, you will be revered.
All I know is that if next month Martha posts a dessert that looks like Big Bird and calls it “Second Rate Bird Bitch” I am out.?All hail the?Queen.