Right. Here’s the future. In the year 200andGoogleitbecausewedidnot, once all the disinfectant from Leona Lewis’ Olympic Opening Ceremony Performance has sterilized Britain, there is to be some exciting news. Naomi Watts is going to do exactly what Meryl Streep has just done here in 2012.
But she’s going to do it slightly more creepier – and be all PRINCESS DIANA and everything.
Okay. Quick reminder on who Princess Diana is, just before everyone jumps on the bandwagon and starts holding aloft an ironic piece of bunting with a smashed arm of a princess on it or something.
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Iggy Pop impersonator Jennifer Aniston has gone on record to pooh-pooh the constant merry-go-round of slack-jawed speculation about her six-year-dead marriage to professional handsomeness salesman Brad Pitt, and her supposed feud with terrifying hose beast Angelina Jolie.
When Instyle US magazine asked Jennifer which misconception about her she finds most irritating, they were probably expecting her to come out with a light hearted quip about “people think I’m really like Rachel from Friends LOL I’m still milking that dry dry udder!”
However, she actually went on a sort of rambly rant about her divorce.
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You’re familiar with Drake already, aren’t you? Of course you are. You’re totally down with the kids. Well, he’s spent the weekend proving that even people with watch collections have hopes and dreams.
Not content with selling loads of records to over-protective hip-hop fans, Drake is apparently itching to play US President Barack Obama in a movie. It’s the next logical step for a star whose previous acting experience includes, “Guy In Bathroom Mirror” and “Crymaxing On A Webcam”.
The noted Thespian – who collaborated with Rihanna on ‘What’s My Name’, in case you’re still not sure who he is – has revealed that he studies Obama’s mannerisms in case a role comes his way. Which it never will. Ever.
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Palaeolithic megastar Madonna says she wonders what it would be like to be truly ‘loved’. By ‘truly loved’ she doesn’t mean by her legion of overly-loyal fans but by someone with something to lose.
The 53-year-old’s sudden interest in love and human emotion comes as she is marketing her new directorial outing ‘W.E.’ and is not in any way a cynical attempt to garner some headlines for a film that has flown pretty much under the radar up until now.
It’s very important to remember that. These are deep, meaningful emotions from a deep and meaningful woman.
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Doctor Who has always been a quirkfest, with machines that don’t work properly, stupidly long scarves, baddies that look like bits of tinfoil and something preposterously called ‘a sonic screwdriver’.
Really, The Doctor is, of all the heroes, the most nauseatingly twee. He’ll be playing a bloody ukulele next. A sonic ukulele no doubt.
Anyway, thank frig the Americans have shown up to save this sorry franchise with some razzle and dazzle. That’s right! America will be getting their hands on Doctor Who and making the explosions bigger, the Doctor more handsome, throwing in a sex scene or two and making him have a proper spaceship as opposed to a stupid telephone box. WHO EVEN USES TELEPHONE BOXES ANYMORE? HAVEN’T THE WRITERS HEARD OF MOBILE PHONES?
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Ever looked at David Gest and wondered if he keeps his face in position with a large bulldog clip like Kent Brockman from The Simpsons? If so, when he takes it off, does his head look like a hot scrotum?
Either way, Gest seems like a decent enough bloke for someone who has been ravaged by the entertainment industry and mental enough to marry Liza Minnelli while she was in her Aged Alcoholic role (according to Gest himself at least).
And now that the reality TV shows have dried up, Gest thought it would be a good idea to make a film about Michael Jackson, a man who shared the same plastic surgeon with David… which explains why they both look so very, very odd.
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Omar Sharif is a screen legend. He’s been in films. Big films. Y’know? The kind of films that make people go “Oooh! Oh yes, of course I’ve seen it! Yeah, it’s great. It was a while ago though, so I can’t really remember it”.
Basically, he’s been in very famous films that most people haven’t got ’round to seeing.
Doesn’t matter though. That’s because he could be now famous for (allegedly) slapping a woman across the face. That’s nice isn’t it?
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Sometimes a book is so seminal that any talk of a sequel is shot down in a series of fan-based derogatory comments about the author wanting to suck on someone’s nipples or wanking at the altar of capitalist pigs.
As Enid Blyton could testify to if she were here today. Sometimes they work, and sometimes they are the worst thing since bread came brown.
Well Stephen King, him what wrote all those famous horror books, has unveiled a chapter of his upcoming sequel to The Shining. As we all know, The Shining is the one with the little boy who has powers, not the one with the girl who loses her loaf when she gets her first period. Or the one with the killer car.
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