Oliver Stone sure does love making movies about presidents. Well, presidents and ancient Greek kings. And fat singers.

But let's concentrate on the president bit for the time being, because Oliver Stone says that he's got a script written about George Bush, and he's itching to get it turned into a movie before Bush stops being president.

Stone's film is thought to hinge on some of the most difficult decisions George Bush ever had to make, primarily the seminal three-day deliberation on whether pretzels go down your food hole or your air hole. History has already taught us his findings on that matter.

The Cannes Film Festival is the most famous film festival in the world, where every year a jury chooses a film that nobody has seen and says how much better it is than all the films you've seen put together.

And this year the Cannes Film Festival is going to be extra special because the head of the Cannes jury has been announced as Sean Penn. As one of the most respected actors and directors working in Hollywood today, Sean Penn's appointment will mean that the movie he awards his prize to will get an even bigger publicity boost than usual. It also means that anyone who's recently made a movie that's funny, uplifting, deft or about anything other than how terrible the Iraq war is should probably stay at home this year because they ain't winning jack.

Sean Penn knows that he could make a film about a trumping monkey and it'd win all sorts of awards for its brave vision and the universal resonance of a monkey-fart as an allegory to the human condition.

But so far this awards season, something has been up. The Sean Penn-directed Into The Wild hasn't been winning any awards, with all the gongs instead either going to There Will Be Blood or No Country For Old Men. Worried that Sean Penn is losing his magical touch? Don't be - the annual Critics' Choice award nominations have been revealed and Into The Wild has smashed itself into contention, getting nods for Best Picture, Best Actor and Best Director, along with four others. However, it should be noted that the Critics' Choice awards also gave five nominations to Hairspray, so there's every chance that the voting panel is made up of buck-toothed idiots.

EDIT: OK, so it's not Sylvester Stallone in Fred Claus, it's Sylvester Stallone's brother Frank. The rest of the article has been adjusted accordingly...

It is a rule generally acknowledged that anyone who starts a hecklerspray article with the words 'it is a rule generally acknowledged' must be slapped around the face with a bag of animal poo until the end of the working day.

Another one of those rule-acknowledgey things is that - in general - Christmas films are rubbish. Sure, there are classics like It's A Wonderful Life, but just compare those to the legions of dregs like Santa Claus: The Movie, Surviving Christmas or Platoon 2: Do You Take Napalm With Your Mince Pies, You Fucking Commies? Huh? Do You? WELL?

Someone hasn't told Sylvester Stallone's BROTHER this, however. His upcoming movie is a Christmas flick, you see... and he's mightily chuffered about it.