AHHHH ZOMBIES!! is my reaction to many horror films, but particularly “Resident Evil: Retribution”, which is the fifth movie based on the video game franchise (that’s more than the truly terrible “Final Fantasy” movies, natch). The reason I’m yelping in horror isn’t because they’ve managed to scare me with good cinematography: it’s because this franchise should’ve died a long time ago.
But like the living undead that populate it and the game it is based on, it simply won’t. The movie studios keep turning out the schlock. Last weekend at least, we proved that just as willingly as zombies will eat brains, humans will eat shit, because Resident Evil was the number one movie at the US box office last weekend, earning $21.1 million.Now I know that movie tickets have got really expensive, but that’s an awful lot of people seeing a not-very-good film. And the worst thing is that there will now probably be a sixth Resident Evil movie, all because you guys went along to see it like a douchebag.
People complain about how all Hollywood’s output is derivative nowadays, but there’s a simple answer: don’t go to the shitty sequels. Please. It only encourages them, and makes them turn out shit like this. Almost all franchises start out in the same way: a studio makes a good first, stand-alone movie. Then people like it. It gets popular. They try and string it out, and you get – by the law of diminishing shittiness – progressively worse movies until in the end you’re watching a scriptwriter shit into a bag, FedEx it to cinemas and projected up on the big screen. Take these other four franchises that won’t (or didn’t) die (for a long time):
Oh hey American Pie! You were funny for number one. Then you were okay at number two. Number three (American Wedding) scraped the barrel. The four – FOUR– direct-to-video spinoffs began to get on my nerves. The upcoming “American Reunion” might be alright as a slight nostalgia trip, but you should leave it there.
OH WAIT YOU AREN’T. Of course. “American Pie 5” was announced as under production in August 2012. Thank you Jesus.
The Fast and the Furious
There’s not much mileage in car movies (thanks! I’ll be here all week! Tip your waitresses and try the veal!) but the success of The Fast and the Furious started a terrible idea rolling. “Why not make more?” producers asked. Well, because there isn’t a lot to do beyond have 90 minutes of driving again, said people, but they were drowned out. Six movies later we’re still fast and still furious – furious that this francise is still going.
The Police Academy movies were comedy gold. Anyone that tells you different is a liar, and needs their head checked. But by the time we got to Police Academy 7 (Mission to Moscow) it was overkill – and boy, that sucker was not staying down for the count. We’re getting a reboot next year, you know! It could be good! It could be shit! Who knows?!
How many times can you flog a dead horse? The answer is six times, plus once in glorious 3D! That’s what I learnt when I kept seeing incessant trailers for the latest instalment of the “Saw” franchise before decent movies. It’s enough to make you drill your own brain in.