A lot of charity time and effort, as well as money, is misguided. People – forget about your telethons for Haiti and the victims of famine and drought in Africa. There’s a much more pressing need for your dimes, dollars and cents – and celebrities’ time. It’s the plight of the failed former child star.
Once feted by their peers in Tinseltown, these bright young things are chewed up and spit out, never to return again to the limelight. They’re malnourished, but with fame, not food. They need your help more than pot-bellied African orphans or war dead ever do. Think of them when you’re considering donating to a charity, because God knows they need it.
These people are American citiziens literally starving of a lack of notice. They need to work to live, and no-one is giving them the opportunity. They’re in crack dens and whorehouses, and they’re incredibly alone.
Why help out someone several thousand miles away without a home when you can help out an American nearby who just wants to get back in front of a movie camera once more?
Poor Amanda Bynes had the world at her feet. A Nickelodeon bankable property, she was certain to have fame, fortune and everything that anyone could want. But while ordinary Joes have the easy life, going to work early and coming back late, working their fingers to the bone in menial, hard-working labour, the likes of Amanda Bynes in Hollywood had a much harder life. They had to stand in front of cameras and say words that other people had wrote for them. Take pity on poor Bynes, who has since fallen into the depths of society, allegedly liking to hotbox her car before she goes for a drive.
And what about Macaulay Culkin? The star of Home Alone was welcomed into our homes because he was loveable, cute and unlike many child stars, was actually a decent actor. But then he fell off the wagon. There were allegations that he got into heroin, and became addicted. You know things are bad when – and I am not kidding – a news organisation runs this actual headline about you: ‘Macaulay Culkin Lives To Celebrate 32nd Birthday As Heroin Controversy Dies Down’. That’s right: the fact that he reached the age of 32 is notable and treated as if it’s a big deal.
Arguably Britney Spears was messed up from the first moment she gained fame (there’s something wrong about being a giant paedophile bait with worldwide popularity in your first music video). But megastardom left her a shell of her former self, broken down and busted. She got drunk; she got fat; she willingly became bald. She’s now become a national concern, like some sort of giant nuclear bomb with a huge countdown clock. Who knows when she’ll next blow and leave us with the fallout.
Jodie Sweetin was the sweetheart of America in her role in ‘Full House’ from a tender young age. But like so many before her, the pressure got too much. She ended up a drug addict, and managed to milk a book (hideously titled ‘unSweetined’) out of the catastrophe.
What would a roundup of failed former child stars who have gone batshit insane be without Lindsay Lohan? Nothing – that’s what. Where to start with the Lohan? She was the sweet star of the remake of ‘The Parent Trap’ who ended up being a quasi-porny drunken mess who refuses to do sex scenes, but would get down to her underwear so long as all the other crew members would. She’s seemingly drunk 99% of the time, and her mother was interviewed on national TV recently in a similar state. She posed for Playboy, then sort of disowned the pictures, and has done a hell of a lot of strange stuff in a short career.
So please, give what you can to these sad, simpering people. They need your help, and your dollars, to feed their festering drug habits. Thank you.