9 - Fingerless gloves: the critical re-evaluation – Interestment

8 - Things we’re now afraid of: getting trapped on an iceberg with three polar bears – Asylum

7 - This just in: bald bears are TERRIFYING – Geekology

6 – Shakira! Quick! Do something to your hair that’ll stop us fancying you quite as much! Good girl! – AmyGrindhouse

5 - Footage from the Concert For Care concert with Rob Brydon and that bald Irish bloke – Leapanywhere

4 – Vegetable Elvis Presley. You Heard – Domesticsluttery

3 - Because of the day that it is – YouTube

2 - Womanizer by Britney Spears, as sung by the French – Bestweekever

1 – Where’s today’s idiot? Oh, here he is…

No he wasn't. But Mariah Carey is. Thus Mariah is better than Elvis Presley.

And Mariah Carey isn't just better than Elvis Presley at having a beach fit bikini body, either – Mariah Carey is also better at music and stuff as well. It's true – Mariah Carey has notched up her 18th American number one single, while rubbish old Elvis Presley only managed to get 17 before he snuffed it. Mariah is the new Elvis! Yay! That means we'll be able to dress up like her and ghoulishly traipse around her house when she dies! Yay!  

Elvis Presley has been dead for 30 years, but he still has a lot going for him – he's richer than any other dead person, plus he left behind an overweight daughter and mangle-faced wife. And how do we repay Elvis Presley for these two lovely – if slightly startling – gifts to the world? By wrestling everything he holds dear out of his fat dead hands and giving it to Mariah Carey, that's how.

Mariah Carey's new single Touch My Body – as well as possibly being a weird insurance scam – is number one in the Billboard Hot 100 chart. And, as you'd expect for the white-hot talent responsible for hits like Fantasy, That Other Song, The One About Touching Her Body, The High-Pitched One and The Song That Sounds Like The Song About Touching Her Body, number one records are nothing new for Mariah Carey at all.

In fact Touch My Body is Mariah Carey's 18th American number one, which is more American number ones than that useless turd Elvis Presley ever flipping got. BBC News reports:

"I'm just feeling really happy and grateful," the 38-year-old performer told the Associated Press.  "I really can never put myself in the category of people who have not only revolutionised music but also changed the world, that's a completely different era and time," she said."In terms of my ethnicity, always feeling like an outsider, always feeling different… for me it's about saying, 'Thank you Lord, for giving me the faith to believe in myself when other people had written me off."

Although congratulations are due to Mariah Carey for surpassing one of the most famous men who ever lived, she should remember that beating Elvis Presley at stuff is actually quite easy. This morning alone, for example, we beat Elvis Presley at arm-wresting, Guitar Hero and Pin The Tail On The Donkey. And, honestly, if he hadn't creeped us out so much during that staring contest we'd have creamed him at that too.

You see, while Mariah Carey has had more number one records than Elvis, she still needs three more number one records to beat all-time champions The Beatles. And you know what that means, don't you? It means that Mariah Carey isn't going to retire until she's released at least another three insipid, instantly forgettable R&B pop ballads. Joy.

Read more:

Mariah breaks Elvis chart record - BBC

Wait, no, not that's not entirely true. In fact what's happened is that Lisa Marie Presley – daughter of Elvis Presley – is merely pregnant, as her spokesman has confirmed.

This will be Lisa Marie Presley's third child but, given that she's looking more and more like Fat Elvis with each passing day, it's unknown whether Lisa Marie will want to give birth to her baby in the regular way or die trying to crap it out of her arse on the toilet. As a mark of respect to her father, you understand.

For all the benefits of being Elvis Presley's only daughter – like never having to wait any longer than five minutes for a deep-fried squirrel burger as a child or getting to have sex with well-established dreamboat hunks like Nicolas Cage and Michael Jackson – there are bound to be drawbacks. 

Just ask Lisa Marie Presley. She is Elvis Presley's only daughter and, when she's not floating on a cloud of joy because she's probable touched Michael Jackson's penis, she has to live with the fact that Elvis still makes more money than she does even though he's been dead for 30 years. Plus she's a Scientologist, so she probably has to put up with hanging around Tom Cruise and Kirstie Alley a lot more than any human deserves to.

However, Lisa Marie Presley has one thing that Elvis Presley never had, and that's a functional female reproductive system. And she just keeps rubbing that in the dead man's face, because Lisa Marie Presley is pregnant again. Hello reports:

Elvis' only daughter is expecting her first child with guitarist and music producer husband Michael Lockwood this autumn. "The couple are incredibly overjoyed," says Lisa's spokesperson, who confirmed the happy news on Friday. The new arrival will be Lisa's third baby. She has a daughter Riley, 18, and son Benjamin, 15, with ex-husband, musician and actor Danny Keough.

You see? It isn't just celebrities like Nicole Kidman and Jessica Alba that can get pregnant – the barely-remembered offspring of celebrities can do it too. 

The news of Lasa Marie Presley's pregnancy will come a blessed relief to anyone who saw the photos of her earlier this week looking all gigantic. But at least now we all know that a woman we don't care about is only fat because she's pregnant and not because she eats a lot of chips. Truly, we can sleep soundly now.

Read more:

Elvis' daughter Lisa Marie expecting third child this autumn - Hello 

That's right – the annual Forbes Dead Celebrity Rich List has been published, and it's been another classic year for Elvis Presley. Elvis has managed to earn $49 million over the last year, $5 million more than his nearest rival John Lennon could muster. It's a triumphant return to the top spot for Elvis Presley, who was knocked into second place last year by Kurt Cobain, with industry experts claiming that this reflects the current public trend for favouring bloated corpses with blasted-open colons over miserable corpses with bits of their heads missing.

Elvis Presley has had quite the year. Ever since he died in 1977, the highlight of most of Elvis' years has been either when he decomposed especially slowly or when Toothless Bill the Graceland groundskeeper pounds on his grave and shouts "Guess how many times they've repackaged your Greatest Hits collection this year Elvis? Four!"

But this year was special. This year was the 30th Anniversary of Elvis Presley's death, which meant that not only did people steal his stuff and bury in a chemical toilet but they all rushed out and bought whatever Elvis-related tat his estate saw fit to hurl out, even though Elvis fans probably own it all in 25 slightly different formats anyway. And that's stood him in good stead for this year's annual Forbes Dead Celebrity Rich List, which has just been published.

You see, Elvis Presley is the daddy of rich dead celebrities. He's usually voted as the richest dead celebrity and only a last-ditch push to sell off 25% of Kurt Cobain's songwriting publishing beat him down into second place last year. But 2007 has been Elvis Presley's year, and the only way it could have been improved is if he hadn't killed himself trying to shit out a breezeblock three decades ago. He's rich, damnit! Rich! The Times reports:

Elvis earned $49 million (£24 million) in the past year, toppling the late Nirvana frontman and regaining the top spot on the Forbes.com list. Elvis’s estate continues to generate millions from music royalties, DVDs, licensing deals and tourism at Graceland, the singer’s mansion in Memphis. The website ranks 13 former celebrities according to income and proves that death is no obstacle to making money. The group collectively earnt $232 million in the past year.

Second to Elvis Presley this year was John Lennon, a man who started selling his songs online and got a giant beam of light named after him. Not that the light beam earnt him much money, of course, although Lennon is expected to top the Forbes annual 'Dead Celebrities With The Most Pointless Carbon Footprint' list when that's published next month. As for the rest of the list, it's mainly the usual suspects – Einstein, Schultz, Warhol – with the added inclusion of recently dead James Brown making his debut at number 11 with $5 million. We're sure that James Brown is thrilled by this, and thinks it more than makes up for the way congestive heart failure resulting from complications of pneumonia killed him on Christmas day.

Here's this year's list of the richest dead celebrities, according to Forbes: 

Elvis Presley $49 million
John Lennon $44 million
Charles M. Schulz $35 million
George Harrison $22 million
Albert Einstein $18 million
Andy Warhol $15 million
Theodor Geisel $13 million
Tupac Shakur $9 million
Marilyn Monroe $7 million
Steve McQueen $6 million
James Brown $5 million
Bob Marley $4 million
James Dean $3.5 million

Read more:

Dead Rich List All Shook Up As Elvis Returns To Top – Times