If you’re a famous musician or actor, you can whore out the merchandise left, right and centre.

The teenage market will consume most of the crap that various companies spit out on your behalf. Who wants to be bullied in the playground because they haven’t got the official sticker book, lunchbox, pencil case, fake tattoo set and poster collection?

For the older market, fans of a certain person can purchase a celebrity’s official scent. Most celebrities have one now. From Britney Spears to Kylie, you can live under the illusion that these stars visited the finest perfumeries in the world to muster up a scent. But these are the fragrances from people who are actually alive. How could a dead musician bring one out? By the power of fan exploitation? Well technically yes, but it’s more to do with science and clever stuff like that. Isn’t it, Michael Jackson?

Amazingly, this isn’t Joe Jackson’s failed aftershave launch under the guise of his dearly departed son. This is indeed a brand new product that’s going ahead even though Michael Jackson is currently doing the moonwalk in the afterlife. But how is this possible? Well gather round and let us explain. Grab yourself a drink of Jesus Juice why don’t you?

It’s a tale involving a weird individual called John Reznikoff who has the world’s largest collection of historical hair. We kid you not; he owns locks from people like Abraham Lincoln, Edgar Allan Poe, Albert Einstein and Marilyn Monroe. How he gets hold of them is a bit of a mystery. Either he’s very good at grave robbing or he’s on friendly terms with a lot of hairdressers. So what do you do with all these strands of dead hair? You could sniff it, or make it into perfume.

So how do you make perfume out of hair? You can’t squeeze it and make nice smelling liquid come out. Instead, you have to go to a company that sounds like a wacky real life equivalent of Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory. Based in Los Angeles, a company called My DNA Fragrance claims it can extract the DNA from hair and turn it in to something nice and worth sloshing on your face.

Due to John Reznikoff having a stupidly large collection of dead people’s hair, he has joined forces with My DNA Fragrances to offer obsessive fans and general nutjobs the chance to smell like their favourite dead person. Michael Jackson is simply the newest person on their so called client list. Speaking to the Economic Times, the chairman of the company Carlton Enoch said:

“We use the genetic code to formulate the fragrance. If you are putting on MJ’s perfume it’s a unique fragrance to him. The biggest seller is Elvis, but MJ is selling very well too. It’s a powerful fragrance and there is no alcohol in it.”

What, no alcohol? That almost made us spit our Jesus Juice in anger. Michael Jackson loved that beverage as much as he loved sleepovers with young children. Somewhere in the spirit world, he’ll be thrusting his crotch in sheer anger.

With Christmas coming, we wonder if the common person can bottle up their own scent based on a piece of DNA. Saying that, it’s probably not advisable for people like us. We’d only send along one of pubes and watch someone douse themselves in our cheesy smelling perfume.

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