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Elton John

Elton John To Only Make Crappy Old Man Music From Now On

by Stuart Heritage

Quickly, what was Elton John’s last non-Billy Elliott single called? Oh, come on, you must know. It had pianos in it.

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Elton John Thinks Jesus Was A Big Homosexual

by Matthew Laidlow

Religion. Is it really the work of a few select individuals who carefully recorded what their various prophets said? Or did the subsequent writings which form The Bible, The Quran and The Torah come as a result from a binge on hallucinogenic mushrooms? We couldn’t possibly comment, but we do know that some Christians don’t [...]

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Elton John Launches Crystal-Encrusted Poncy iPod Range

by Matthew Laidlow

Of all the gays in the world, we love Elton John the best.

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Elton John. Ben Stiller. AIDS. Enough Said.

by Stuart Heritage

Elton John has written some wonderful musicals in his time – The Lion King, Billy Elliot, that one where Ben Stiller gets AIDS.

With the first one, Elton John really conveyed the majesty of the African Pride Lands. In the second he managed to capture the frustration of living in the north of England under Margaret Thatcher beyond compare, and the final one – well, let’s just say that there has never been a more hilarious, dance-in-the-aisle musical ever written about Ben Stiller getting AIDS.

No, really. Elton John’s writing a musical about Ben Stiller getting AIDS. To be fair, it’s too early to say if the Stiller/John AIDS musical will be the funniest AIDS musical ever made – we hear that Billy Joel’s adapting Philadelphia into a showstopping musical for Jim Carrey, and the song Bumming A Man At The Cinema is supposed to be particularly rib-tickling.

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Lily Allen Has A Ding-Dong With Elton John. Booze Involved

by Stuart Heritage

Lily Allen and Elton John have a lot in common – for example, they both have funny hair and they’re both gay men.

But the thing that Lily Allen and Elton John share more than anything else is a love of a public scrap. Watch Lily or Elton for long enough and you’ll either see a) an extraordinary temper tantrum or b) nothing at all because Lily Allen’s punched your eyes off.

So it made perfect sense that, at last night’s GQ awards, the hosts were Lily Allen and Elton John. And things were going just peachy, at least until Lily Allen got hammered on free champagne and started effing andjeffing at Elton John, who then appeared to boast about how brilliant he was at drugs. Honestly, those two are just like Richard and Judy, only gayer and with one more nipple than you’d expect.

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Elton John: “Hey America, Vote For Hillary Clinton Or Go To Hell!”

by Stuart Heritage

The great thing about the US general election is that everyone has an opinion – it doesn’t matter how fat, bald, gay, shortsighted, badly-dressed, gap-toothed or non-American they are.

Elton John is all of these things, so his say is much louder than someone who is only one or two of those things. And Elton John, he say “Hillary Clinton.”

Elton John has played his New York fundraiser concert for Hillary Clinton, and raised about $2.5 million for her campaign in the process. And then he opened his mouth and said that everyone who didn’t vote for Hillary Clinton can go to hell. Which, yes, technically does include Elton John, but he was already going to hell anyway so it doesn’t matter. You can’t write a song like I Am Your Robot and expect to get away with it.

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Elton John Loves Hillary Clinton Something Mental

by Stuart Heritage

If you thought that the US general election only appealed Americans, think again – British tubby gay bald gap-toothed piano players with vision problems are also mad into it.

And since the only British tubby gay bald gap-toothed piano player with vision problem in existence is Elton John, we must mean him. Elton John is throwing down on the side of Hillary Clinton, and is holding a fundraising concert in New York next month to prove it.

No doubt Elton John’s concert will raise a lot of money for Hillary Clinton – it’ll basically be the same as his Las Vegas show, but with all the glamour and sex replaced with hectoring speeches about immigration reform. Good old Elton, always giving the people what they want.

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