But the thing that Lily Allen and Elton John share more than anything else is a love of a public scrap. Watch Lily or Elton for long enough and you’ll either see a) an extraordinary temper tantrum or b) nothing at all because Lily Allen’s punched your eyes off.
So it made perfect sense that, at last night’s GQ awards, the hosts were Lily Allen and Elton John. And things were going just peachy, at least until Lily Allen got hammered on free champagne and started effing and jeffing at Elton John, who then appeared to boast about how brilliant he was at drugs. Honestly, those two are just like Richard and Judy, only gayer and with one more nipple than you’d expect.
It goes without saying that no man should ever try and list all the things that Lily Allen and Elton John dislike. This is because they’d end up so depressed that they’d probably murder themselves, and also because there isn’t a single thing in the known universe that either Lily Allen or Elton John actually like.
For instance, Elton John hates religion and Lily Allen hates Lindsay Lohan. Elton John hates scruffiness and Lily Allen hates Cheryl Cole. Elton John hates the internet and Lily Allen hates not punching people in the face. We could go on, but there literally isn’t enough space on the internet to do that.
So, knowing how crotchety and temperamental they are, hiring Lily Allen and Elton John to host last night’s GQ awards seems like an act of pure foolhardiness. Or a transparent publicity stunt to try and get people to care about the GQ awards. One or the other.
And guess what – halfway through the ceremony Lily Allen and Elton John started getting mouthy with each other, until a bear came along and started shitting in the woods and everyone got surprised. Here’s The Sun‘s take of the exchange:
Lily: “And now to the most important part of the night,”
Elton: “What? Are you going to have another drink?”
Lily: “Fuck off Elton. I am 40 years younger than you and have my whole life ahead of me!”
Elton: “I could still snort you under the table.”
Lily: “Fuck off. I don’t know what you are talking about.”
Come on, that’s hardly an argument – that’s simply a case of simmering sexual tension and nothing more. Lily Allen and Elton John want each other, plain and simple. You can see it in their eyes. It’s electric.
Although maybe we shouldn’t tell Elton John that Lily Allen isn’t actually a bloke yet. It’d only break his poor heart.