Religion. Is it really the work of a few select individuals who carefully recorded what their various prophets said?
Or did the subsequent writings which form The Bible, The Quran and The Torah come as a result from a binge on hallucinogenic mushrooms? We couldn't possibly comment, but we do know that some Christians don't believe in dinosaurs. Haven?t they seen Jurassic Park?
Back when most religious texts where written, they all came to the conclusion that gays were evil. But we all know those views are so 2000AD. Why haven't the church done a 2010 remix version of The Bible? You know, one that accepts gays in to society. We don't hang them any more. Nowadays they are allowed to drive, own pets and even have jobs. Just like Elton John. He's openly gay and makes nice piano based songs. Why wouldn't the church like him? Perhaps calling senior prophet Jesus H. Christ gay doesn't help. Silly Elton.
We are shocked at the allegations stated by Elton John. After all, we read The Bible when we were at school and didn't feel any gayer as a result. But what about the story of Genesis, where a naked man and woman wandered around talking to evil snakes? If anything, it seemed like a warped version of Disney?s The Jungle Book. But how we were to tell any different?
So what exactly did Elton John say to upset various members of the God squad? In an interview with US magazine Parade, he was supposed to have said that Jesus was a:
?Compassionate, super intelligent gay man who understood human problems?.
As a result, various Christian do-gooders have gotten a little bit angry with the comments and retorted. We doubt Jesus is spinning due to the comments, but director of right-wing US Christian group Christian Voice Stephen Green dismissed the claim as rubbish. He then added:
?The Bible says Jesus was without sin and that rules out homosexuality. This is a desperate cry for attention?.
But what if Elton John is right? Are the Christians simply trying to drown him out with angry tuts? Have the supposed experts missed a few obvious gaytastic traits that Jesus possessed? Let us explain:
1 ? Jesus? posse of friends were known as his disciples. However, all of them were men. That's right, this means he spent all day in the company of twelve men. Of course, this was perfect for talking about tits and having no women around to stop them playing football. But don't men get urges of the sexual kind? Who knows what manly feelings got expressed. This could have easily led to many gay orgies.
2 ? Apart from Jesus, we all know David Blaine is quite good at doing all sorts of mental illusions. However, the most famous magic trick Jesus did was turning water and bread in to wine and fish. Hello! Wine and fish? What about lager and steak? Everyone knows only gay men drink wine and eat fish.
3 ? When Jesus wasn?t curing the sick or walking on water, his daytime job was to make tables and fix chairs. After all, he was a carpenter. But working long hours in the baking sun would make him hot and sweaty, forcing him to take off his top and arouse his work apprentice Dave. This is the stuff of gay porn!
So, when should we expect the phonecall to start rewriting The Bible for a post modern generation? We promise not to include any Catholic-style priest-on-choirboy action. Unless we do get permission for a XXX version.
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Karla says
hahah
stella says
Does harping on about all historical and mythological figures being gay help the living gays quell their inferiority complex and make them feel more normal? If in the developed world today hardly anyone believes in God and therefore in Jesus, who cares which way he swung?
I wonder what would happen if Elton said the same thing about prophet Mohammed.
I doubt he would dare, though.
Andrew says
Mohammed was also gay.
Lighten up. As a religion-hating gay person, I thoroughly enjoyed this article.
Dwight says
@Andrew: at last, a homosexual who admits that hate is a fundamental part of the pro-gay movement’s propaganda campaign. The veneer of civility that gays claim for themselves while bashing anyone who disagrees with them is finally starting to wear through. It’s time for normal, reasonable people to start taking back the culture, and unmasking the homosexual agenda is a good place to start.
Joke Police says
I agree Dwight – I can’t believe Andrew has let the cat out of the bag. Somebody call the cops and tell them to start locking up all the hateful gays.
Shelly says
Dwight, homophobia is gay. It’s time for you to start seeing a therapist so that you may then stop being such a pre-millennium douche bag. God speed!
GetReal says
Why does Jesus have to be gay or straight or even bi?
He was celibate and either beyond sexual attraction or at least in control of himself. Not everyone is obsessed with sex. Some people aren’t even interested. Those who think about it every minute may not understand; they can’t see how this is possible, but it is!
charlie says
where in the bible does it say that homosexuality is not a sin? i can point you to several verses of reference that come out and say it is a sin therefore since Jesus WAS sinless He WAS NOT homosexual.
Romans 1:27 — And the men, instead of having normal sexual realtions with women, burned with lust for each other. Men did shameful things with other men, and as a result of this SIN, they sufferded within themselves the penalty they deserved.
1 Corinthians also states it as a sin and states that a person that indulges in this sin along with a few others WILL NOT inherit the Kingdom of Heaven.
I am not trying to be judgemental, it is not my purpose, for it is a sin to judge others according to the bible. I do sin because I am not perfect. I care about the lost and do not want to see them go to Hell, for it is their destiny if they do not become saved. I want others to spend forever in eternity rather than seeing them burn forever in torment in the most awful place that i know.
If you read this please reconsider your ways. Thanks and GOD Bless You!!!
Keenan says
in the bible it says jesus loves everyone hes not gay he is bi