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Ellen DeGeneres

Ellen Degeneres Gets Paula Adul’s Idol Job, Practices Blathering

by Shawn Lindseth

Our favourite part of watching American Idol has always been crying under the couch with our fingers knuckle-deep in our ears anytime someone holding our remote control decides to check it out. Our least favourite part of watching the show has always been the aural bleeding. Admittedly that’s probably because our un-filed fingers had just been jammed in [...]

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Lindsay Lohan: Still Refusing To Shut Up About Anything

by Stuart Heritage

We’re thrilled that Ellen DeGeneres gave Lindsay Lohan a platform to air her views on her break-up yesterday.

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Ellen DeGeneres Wants To Find Anne Hathaway A Lovely Young Man

by Stuart Heritage

Times are hard for Anne Hathaway – the only man she’s ever loved is in jail for being a dirty Pope-dressing conman.

In fact, it’s more or less a guarantee that Anne Hathaway will never experience another second of happiness in her entire life. But not if Ellen DeGeneres has anything to do with it – during an interview with her yesterday, Ellen promised that she’d find Anne Hathaway a boyfriend who didn’t con pensioners for a living.

Rumours that all the boyfriends that Ellen DeGeneres will find for Anne Hathaway are just Ellen DeGeneres in a bowtie are as yet unconfirmed.

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Mariah Carey Either Pregnant Or A Bit Mental Again

by Stuart Heritage

Is Mariah Carey pregnant? Mariah Carey says “What? Me? Pregnant? Um, I’m, er, hey! Look over there! Balloons!”

Or words to that effect, anyway. We’ve been hearing a few rumours recently suggesting that Mariah Carey and her still husband Nick Cannon have got a baby on the way. And despite her prickly diva reputation, Mariah Carey is only to happy to directly address these rumours.

OK, not completely directly. But Mariah Carey will break into a deep sweat, shuffle awkwardly in her seat, giggle nervously, spout all kinds of tangential gibberish and look around anxiously for someone, anyone, who can put an end to the torture she’s going through if you do happen to ask her about pregnancy. Which, by chance, is exactly what Mariah Carey did on The Ellen DeGeneres Show today.

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Ellen DeGeneres: The New Face Of CoverGirl, Despite Old Face

by Stuart Heritage

You know when you accidentally open a letter addressed to your partner and then pretend it was for you all along rather than admit to it?

We get the feeling that Ellen DeGeneres does, because she’s just been named as the new face of CoverGirl. That’s right. Ellen DeGeneres. Not Ellen’s beautiful former model of a girlfriend Portia De Rossi. Ellen DeGeneres. She’s the new face of CoverGirl. That letter was definitely addressed to her. Not Portia. Her. Shut up.

Actually, we’re just kidding. Ellen DeGeneres is going to make a perfect face of CoverGirl. What’s more, the CoverGirl job is going to look just great on Ellen’s modelling portfolio, alongside her shoots as the face of Northumbria NHS Trust’s colorectal unit and her brief stint as Miss Frozen Animal Tripe 1995.

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Ellen & Portia To Sob About Puppies As Properly Married Couple

by Stuart Heritage

You know what’s hotter than lesbian sex? Lesbian sex rendered listless and infrequent by marriage!

And it turns out that’s exactly what Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will soon get to experience for themselves because – thanks to California overturning its ban on gay marriage – Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossie are totally getting married.

With the door opened for gay marriages in Hollywood, no doubt Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will want to be among the first lesbians to formalise their civil partnership. Because that way they’ll exponentially increase the chances of being the first lesbians to undertake a messy, bitterness-filled girl-on-girl celebrity divorce. We can’t wait!

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Ashlee Simpson Wrongly Hopes We Care About Her Pregnancy

by Stuart Heritage

Ashlee Simpson is either pregnant or not pregnant, and if you’ve spent more than one second thinking about it you probably deserve to be drowned.

And, even though most people wouldn’t even give a soggy fart about Ashlee Simpson’s unborn baby even if was 300 feet tall and had lasers for eyes, it hasn’t stopped Ashlee Simpson from going on TV and being all like ‘maybe I am, maybe I’m not’ some more in the vain hope that all this pointless teasing will sell some more copies of her album.

It’s a tactic that Ashlee Simpson has clearly spent a lot of time thinking about. More than one second, in fact. So it goes without saying that she should be drowned. We don’t make the rules.

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