Somewhere, right now, Randy Jackson is rocking backwards and forwards, giggling to himself like a giddy toddler.
To be fair, that’s no surprise. We like to think that ‘rocking backwards and forwards, giggling to himself like a giddy toddler’ is one of Randy Jackson’s three default modes, along with ‘pointing at things and shouting the word “dog”‘ and ‘unsuccessfully trying to high-five his own shadow’. But we digress – this time Randy Jackson is giggling to himself because it looks like American Idol just became The Randy Jackson Funtime Hour.
Why? Because new American Idol judge Ellen DeGeneres has said that if Simon Cowell leaves the show, she’ll leave too. And Simon is almost definitely leaving. That just leaves Randy, that other woman, and the two nightmarish, boggle-eyed, semi-melted ventriloquist dummies that Randy is keen to fill the vacant panel seats with. We can’t wait.
Ask yourself this – what makes American Idol popular? It’s obviously not Ryan Seacrest, because he only makes things unnecessarily distressing. It’s not the singers, because if we wanted to hear atonal, high-pitched cover versions of Ring Of Fire that bear zero resemblance to the original, then we’d go and burn down a Johnny Cash impersonator convention. And it’s not the the bit where all the contestants get to sing songs in Ford showrooms, although it’s always fun to watch people’s souls withering up in front of you.
No, what makes American Idol popular is the the judging panel. It’s got the perfect mix of personalities – Simon Cowell the acerbic authoritarian, Randy Jackson the confusingly enthusiastic dog-fixated cheerleader and Paula Abdul the dribbling, incomprehensible dimwit.
Or at least that was the case. Now there’s a fourth American Idol judge whose only role is to write piss-weak Gillette jingles for the winner to release as singles, and Paula Abdul has been replaced by Ellen DeGeneres. But that’s OK, because Simon Cowell is the glue that holds the American Idol judging panel together, and he’s not going anywhere is he?
What’s that? He is? Well, never mind. We can cope. American Idol is still American Idol, even if the judges are made of the star of unwatched 1996 movie Mr Wrong, a man who everyone wrongly thinks is Michael Jackson‘s brother and one other anonymous woman who doesn’t really have a point. At least it’s stable. It’s not as if other judges will leave just because Simon Cowell is leaving, is it? Is it, Ellen DeGeneres in the newest issue of Entertainment Weekly?
?If Simon goes, I go!? declares DeGeneres, prompting Cowell to laugh ? and squirm a bit. ?Oh, Ellen!? That's quite a tricky situation you've put me into! I think right now we have to concentrate on the next season and just get through that and worry about everything else afterwards.?
Now, there’s a chance that Ellen was joking. But you know what? Let her leave. And let the other woman leave American Idol too. And Ryan Seacrest. And the band. And the singers. Fox is committed to continuing American Idol no matter who leaves, so this could be Randy Jackson’s moment. Imagine – a show where Randy Jackson introduces Randy Jackson, who comes on and sings Addicted To Love with a banjo and a kazoo so that Randy Jackson can bounce up and down in his seat and scream “YOU’RE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD, BABY!” into a hand mirror for 45 minutes afterwards.
Well we’d watch it, anyway.
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MrTavMarie says
absolutely *dead* @ “there
Amanda says
idol will be crushed by x factor. mark my words
Faith says
Ah man, this is the funniest blog/website ever. I’ve been reading your posts for hours and laugh to the readers who take them so seriously.
Keep it up :D
Nat says
America’s Got Talent is BEAST! You never know what the act will be and the talents are so diverse, the judges are amazing, I just love it. Idol fell apart and America picks tone-deaf singers to win, when the runner up almost always does better with the music buisness then the actual winner. I probably won’t even watch it anymore.