Now we all know who the American Idol top four will be, there’s no need to watch for the next two months.
Unless, you know, you’re a masochist. But credit where credit’s due, American Idol is determined to make the long, flat ride to the inevitable Danny Gokey victory interesting. Wait, did we just say ‘interesting’? Because we actually meant ‘so flesh-meltingly horrific that if any of us survive it with all of our senses intact it’ll be a great big bloody miracle’.
Last night was Country Night on American Idol. And, yes, it was as awful as it sounds.
If you believe what American Idol staff say – and you should, because they’ve been right about almost everything apart from that time they said that Taylor Hicks was good – then the top four American Idol contestants have already secretly been picked.
According to one female American Idol staffer, the singers who’ll be pushed through to the final stages of American Idol are Dead Wife Bloke, Interchangeable Blonde Woman Number Three, Little Richard and the boy who looks like a 50-year-old vampire in the throes of a humiliating mid-life crisis. You know who we’re talking about.
If that’s true, then there’s not really much reason to keep watching American Idol, especially if it’s going to keep forcing cack-handed theme nights down our throats. Last week saw all the American Idol contestants take on Michael Jackson songs, which it just about got away with because a) Michael Jackson has been in the news a lot lately and b) the acts didn’t have to do anything as nuanced as ‘singing’ because they could perform perfectly decent Michael Jackson impersonations by spinning around and atonally squeaking like electrified guinea pigs.
But last night’s American Idol was Country Night, two words that should strike fear into the heart of anyone who doesn’t drive a truck for a living or think that Smokey And The Bandit Ride Again was the apex of modern cinema. Reuters has a brief rundown of the closest thing to the show’s highlights:
?Anoop Dogg? delivered the night?s biggest surprise when his version of Willie Nelson?s ?Always on My Mind? received universal praise from the judges. And yes, that included Simon Cowell, who last week said Anoop didn't deserve his coveted spot in the Top 13. ?Glad to have you back, Anoop,? Cowell said. Matt Giraud?s rendition of Carrie Underwood?s ?So Small? also made him one to watch in the competition, the judges said.
And then there was Adam Lambert, who decided to take on Ring Of Fire having mistaken Country Night For Singing Culturally Revered Anthems In The Style Of A Pervert Being Masturbated To Climax In A Bedouin Tent Night. Look, here’s video:
But, hey, Adam Lambert’s going to be in the American Idol top four, we’re told, so he can do whatever he likes until then. We’re especially looking forward to the forthcoming week when we’ll see Adam perform the hits of The Beatles dressed as a kitten and singing in Flemish.
It’ll happen. A female American Idol staffer told us.
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martha says
adam sucked and shouldnt be in the competition after last night and as for danny what a terrible thing to write dead wife what the hell is goin on the world when you write that.
Joey Luongo says
The reason why people won’t appreciate Adam Lambert’s take on Ring of Fire is that the adjectives unique and interesting are not something they relate to. Granted, others can sing on American Idol, but who can sing like Adam Lambert. A singing range, remininscent of say Geoff Tate from Queensryche is used effortlessly as he glides through all of the songs he sings. It makes everyone else look and seem quite boring and safe. But then again, boring IS an adjective a lot of people relate to. American Idol is the apex of hypocrisy anyway. David Cook’s rendition of Chris Cornell’s re-working of Billie Jean was genius, yet Ring of Fire is indulgent rubbish. Bring us something else is said to some of the contestants, yet when they do; it’s met with, aww we miss the Lil Rounds, we miss the Alexis. Send Megan home already. She is hot, but her singing is so not. I get that Scott is blind, and America feels bad or probably truly like his mediocrity, whiich by the way is another adjective that suits some people well. Send him home. Danny is good, but not THAT good. Looks like a regular guy, a tad bit boring. Allison’s stage act for a 16 year old is quite solid but she lacks range. Littel tweens will find kris wonderful, but the fact remains that he’s just okay. Michael is another one that is just okay. Alexis originally had shown promise, but has disappointed the last few weeks. You are 21. Drop the cocktail dresses and wear something young and hip and tear the stage up in a way that would make X’tina proud. Anoop is actually very pleasant to listen to, but needs a makeover that will cut down on the uncanny resemblance to Ray Romano if he were Indian. Matt who bears a resemblance to Michael Buble needs to eliminate some of the annoying vibrato from his voice before he intends to make a dent in the industry. Lastly, if American Idil is indeed “Rigged”, what a shock that would be.
Beth says
Unique and interesting are not synonyms for “good.”
I dislike Adam Lambert’s version of Ring of Fire because it’s an amazing song and, while he wasn’t the first person to record it, Johnny Cash’s version of the song is just so much better than anyone else could hope to do. It’s almost absurd to make the attempt.
That said, Ray Charles did a kickass version himself. But Lambert is not Ray Charles, he isn’t even Social Distortion – and their cover was mediocre at best.
Matt G says
You are a freaking moron! People who like country music are not all freaking rednecks and its not like they are bad. Take your freaking hip-hop albums and shove them you ignorant pee-on!
amy says
I agree with joey as for martha i am sure you are a country western fan
Adam is in a league of his own . This show is beneath him . He should get out while he can . Kudos for Adam for not trying to be something he is not . He is refreshing to watch . He will continue to do what he wants because he can . I hope he does not win and gets out and signs with someone who will allow him to record what he wants . American Idol will own him for a few years…not a good thing.
Eric Jaffa says
Can you tell us which ones you’re calling “Interchangeable Blonde Woman Number Three” and “Little Richard” so that we can check on this when they’re down to 4?
realmpoet says
The point was to take a country song and make it yours, and make it current. Lambert did just that. It was not exactly my cup of tea, but I was entertained. He prooved he has something to offer the entertainment world. I would like to hear his version of “She’s my kind of Rain.” I would probably like David Cook’s better, but I would listen.
Christene says
Well, I think Adam was frickin awesome. I want tickets already. Flavor, personality, originality, and definition. He’s not for everyone, especially those who favor country music. Can you imagine Randy Travis doing something from Alice in Chains? I was impressed by Travis’ ability to recognize Adam’s talent as in a different class(categorically speaking) and not ‘bad’. Could you imagine a sing off between Dolly Parton, Madonna, Elton John and Ozzy? Whose better? Who has the most successful career? America, you decide…
Joey Luongo says
Sorry Beth, I forgot to mention awesome along with unique and interesting. To Matt G. , I never singled out country fans. When I stated PEOPLE, that meant anyone that was closed minded, not just country fans. I have plenty of friends who favor country music. I myself enjoy many country/pop songs ie: Carrie U, Shania, Faith , I just dont care much for the classics though. Oh and by the way, I do not own one hip-hop CD. Nuff said.
dash says
it funny that when the word country is mentioned as far as music there are some people who go crazy saying how they hate it so much. why is this kind of music so famous? thats what it is, they have their own channel for it. i mean, theres bet but they have fergie and all that white people shit too. and mtv shows the exact same thing, except they have NEXT! which i love! just kidding.