First the good news – after months of endless faffing, American Idol has finally started eliminating finalists.
Now for the bad news. Jorge Nu?ez was eliminated from American Idol last night. Jasmine Murray also got the boot, but it’s the loss of Jorge Nu?ez that stung the most. Not because he’s a good singer, you understand. but because all the cheap-shot monobrow jokes we thought up about him will have to go to waste.
Still, Danny Gokey and Scott MacIntyre are still there, so at least we can still use our cheap-shot blindness and dead wife jokes. Hooray for American Idol!
At any given point over the last few months, American Idol has been about dead stalkers, bikinis, chronic in-fighting or however you’d describe that awful shrieking girl who couldn’t decide if she was Spanish or not. But not any more.
As from this week, American Idol started to be about the exact thing it excels at – interminable, piss-weak Michael Jackson cover versions that nobody could ever truly bring themselves to like. Oh, and dramatic over-long eliminations.
And since this week was the first week of the American Idol live finals, the elimination process got to be explained to us all in all the infinitesimal detail usually reserved for holiday slideshows by people you rightfully dislike. On this year’s American Idol, you see, there’s a new rule called something like the Judge’s Save. We shall now attempt to explain the American Idol Judge’s Save to you:
If the public vote out a contestant who the American Idol judges like, the judges have the right to reverse the decision and keep them in. But only so long as a) it’s a unanimous vote by all four judges, b) American Idol has yet to reach the top-five stage, c) a double eviction can take place the following week, d) the date numerically adds up to a prime number, e) the saved contestant can solve the ancient mystery of Ishra-Nikk using only their elbows and a second-hand Ped Egg, and f) the moonlight on the citadel casts a shadow in the shape of Bulgaria.
Fortunately, though, American Idol didn’t need to implement the Judge’s Save last night, on the basis that both eliminated acts were legitimately hopeless. First to go was Jasmine Murray – a girl who shouldn’t be really be mocked because she’s only 16 and incredibly earnest, but should be mocked because she looks identical to Janice from Dr Teeth And The Electric Mayhem and couldn’t have any less charisma if she was made out of farts. You’ll have forgotten her name by the weekend.
Second to be eliminated from American Idol was Jorge Nu?ez, and that decision really stung. Again, we’re not disappointed because he could sing well – we can’t stress enough that he couldn’t – but because now he’s gone it’s less likely that he’ll acrimoniously break up with his monobrow due to creative differences, leading to his monobrow scoring a critically-acclaimed role as the lead in Cats on Broadway. Jorge Nu?ez, you will be missed. Sort of.
So who’ll be next to be eliminated from American Idol now that Jorge Nu?ez and Jasmine Murray are out? Our guess – one of those other terrible wankers. Just a hunch.
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