Jennifer Aniston has grown tired of promoting her movies with endless barbed attacks on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

So she’s moved on. However, Jennifer Aniston isn’t one to rest on her laurels, so she’s spent months devising an even more effective way to publicise her new movie Love Happens. And it’s brilliant. Banging on about her ex-husband all the time might be annoying, you see, but it doesn’t actually cause physical pain. But singing a song on TV? Bingo! That’s both annoying and excruciating!

The video’s after the jump. That’s not a reminder – more a stark, stark warning.

We can’t predict the future, but it seems like a fair guess to say that Jennifer Aniston’s new movie Love Happens won’t do particularly well at the box office. This is for several reasons, all of which we’re about to list to you…

1 - It’s called Love Happens, a title so cloyingly twee that producers may as well have just replaced it with a picture of a kitten in a child’s wellington boot.

2 - It’s got Aaron Eckhart in it, and anybody who’s seen No Reservations will know that he won’t rest until he’s made the absolute worst romantic film in the history of the moving image.

3 - The Love Happens trailer makes us want to vomit into a boxing glove, then freeze the boxing glove, then punch ourselves unconscious with the frozen vomit boxing glove.

4 - Jennifer Aniston hasn’t been promoting it by bleating on about how sad she is about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and every single possible aspect of her personal life.

That last one’s important. Nobody went to see Marley & Me or He’s Just Not That Into You because they were good films – they endured them because they knew that if the movies failed then Jennifer Aniston wouldn’t get as many chances to whine about how crappy her life is to magazines in toe-curling detail. The more she moans, the more people feel obliged to watch her films.

But Jennifer Aniston hasn’t been whining about anything to promote Love Happens. She’s trying a different tactic. She’s singing. On television. To Ellen DeGeneres. Look…

Oh, we’re being harsh on Jennifer Aniston. To be fair, the singing wasn’t horrible and she was ambushed into doing it. It’s not like she’s got such a high opinion of her own singing ability that she’s making a new film where she plays a singing prisoner, is it? Because, come on, that would be ridiculous. Oh, what’s that, Jennifer Aniston in the video above in the preamble to the actual song?

“Yes! I will sing and play a dobro. It’s the story of the first female country and western band… I play one of the singers.”

Son of a bitch.

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Our favourite part of watching American Idol has always been crying under the couch with our fingers knuckle-deep in our ears anytime someone holding our remote control decides to check it out.

Our least favourite part of watching the show has always been the aural bleeding. Admittedly that’s probably because our un-filed fingers had just been jammed in there, but still, in our head we blamed Paula Abdul.

Now that blame will have to shift to Ellen DeGeneres. She, apparently, is Abdul’s new full-time, permanent replacement.

Ellen DeGeneres is a very busy woman. She’s already got the world’s number one talk show of all time as ranked by women with boy haircuts, she hosts the Oscars pretty much everybday, Cover Girl thinks she really speaks to their desired 50-year-old woman demographic – and now she’s gonna be putting in an extra 40 hours per week telling children to please “For the love of all that is now or ever has been holy, slit your vocal cord before the sun sets another day. Your mother probably hates you.”

That, we figure, will be her catchphrase.

Surely you remember that Paula Abdul up and quit her job recently. When we first heard this we thought it meant she was no longer an expired 80s pop star. No, no she’s still that. It’s not really a job, but she is still that. She quit American Idol. At first the rumours were flying that she was gonna be replaced by MC Skat Kat. Although this would have been a tremendous step forward, talks fell through when Pixar refused to climb on board.

So Idol had to settle for second best.

Second best is Ellen DeGeneres. No – not that Ellen DeGeneres. The other one. The one with the talk show. Reuters says:

“Fox television executives and the producers of the hit singing talent show had been searching for a permanent, new judge to sit in Abdul’s seat when the ninth season of the show returns to TV in January 2010. “As the new judge, Ellen will offer her own unique perspective to the contestants throughout the competition,” Fox said in a statement. DeGeneres, whose award-winning talk show “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” is in its seventh season, described herself as a longtime fan of the show.”

This comes as harsh news to Abdul’s ardent fan who was desperate for her to make a triumphant return to the show. Possibly on a parade float or something. That fan died a while back though. Everyone else seems rather indifferent.

Well, everyone except DeGeneres seems indifferent. Here’s what she says about joining the judges:

“So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I’ll save from not having to text my vote.”

Well that’s that. There is no longer room for Abdul at the long table. There’s some question as to what she’s gonna do next. If any of you know of a job opening wherein a person can lay around comatose sobbing about how she could be so stupid, and why won’t Simon call her back, get that to her agent, won’t you?

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say LohanWe’re thrilled that Ellen DeGeneres gave Lindsay Lohan a platform to air her views on her break-up yesterday.

Because where else has Lindsay Lohan had the opportunity to discuss her life since the Sam Ronson split? You know, apart from her Twitter account. And her MySpace blog. And that magazine she’s on the front cover of. And all the other magazines she’s not on the front cover of. And that Funny Or Die video. And TMZ approximately every six or seven seconds. Nowhere, that’s where.

So what did Lindsay Lohan have to say to Ellen yesterday? Oh, like anybody cares.

Did you know that Lindsay Lohan recently split up with Sam Ronson? You didn’t? Well, we’ve got some shocking news for you, so you’d better sit down on the floor of your prehistoric cave – Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have split up. We know. We imagine that the one or two people on the planet who actually a) care about either Lindsay Lohan or Sam Ronson and b) approved of their relationship are probably quite cut up about it.

Since the split, both parties have tried to move on as best they can. Sam Ronson has presumably thrown herself into looking like a tooth-gnarled novelty pencil full-time, while Lindsay Lohan has adopted a more two-pronged approach – firstly she’s reminded the world that she’s got tits, and secondly she hasn’t shut up about the split, not once, not even for a second, since the bastard actually happened.

There was the real-time commentary on the split itself via Lindsay’s Twitter account, of course, and the stunned aftermath played out in Lindsay’s ‘I’m So Alone’ magazine story. So yesterday it was time for the next logical step – Lindsay Lohan went on the Ellen show to babble on obliviously about herself some more despite the fact that there can’t honestly be anyone anywhere who gives even the embryonic stages of a hoot about it any more. People reports:

“I had no idea what was going on. I just hadn’t seen her in, like, a week. She, like, disappeared,” Lohan says. Lohan denied infidelity was the cause: “I don’t believe in cheating on someone.” And Lohan still holds hope that the split won’t be permanent. “I really care about Samantha… Maybe when we’re fully in the right place. And I love her.”

Lindsay Lohan’s refusal to believe that it’s over is beautiful, really. Romantic. You know, like how keeping your dead mother’s body in your freezer and spending every night waltzing around your house in her underwear to the soundtrack of The Wicker Man is romantic. Like we said, romantic.

But maybe enough is enough. maybe now Lindsay Lohan should forget about Sam Ronson and try to focus on her career. Whatever that is. It’s been so long since Lindsay Lohan has been paid to do anything that we’ve forgotten what it is that she actually does. We want to say window cleaner…

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In fact, it’s more or less a guarantee that Anne Hathaway will never experience another second of happiness in her entire life. But not if Ellen DeGeneres has anything to do with it – during an interview with her yesterday, Ellen promised that she’d find Anne Hathaway a boyfriend who didn’t con pensioners for a living.

Rumours that all the boyfriends that Ellen DeGeneres will find for Anne Hathaway are just Ellen DeGeneres in a bowtie are as yet unconfirmed.

We all know that Anne Hathaway has trust issues. If she pins her political hopes on a politician, he’ll end up breaking her heart by siding with the crazy old Jesus-nuts. If she trusts a director when he tells her that he wants her for a blockbuster movie, he’ll end up breaking her heart by making Bride Wars.

And if Anne Hathaway gives her heart to a man, he’ll end up breaking that heart and trying to use the remains as capital in some sort of elaborate Vatican-related Ponzi scheme. And Anne Hathaway needs that heart – it’s the only one powerful enough to pump blood around all the different parts of her big face.

But if there’s one person who can identify with Anne Hathaway it’s Ellen DeGeneres. She, too, has loved and lost – although admittedly the thing she loved and lost was a puppy. And she lost it on purpose because it kept shitting everywhere. But that’s beside the point. Ellen DeGeneres is on Anne Hathaway’s side, and that’s all that matters.

Ellen DeGeneres is so on Anne Hathaway’s side, in fact, that she’s made it her own personal mission to find her a boyfriend. And, hey, forget that Anne Hathaway already sort of has a boyfriend a bit anyway – Ellen is going to find her a real man. A real man like Rosie O’Donnell.

OK, not like Rosie O’Donnell at all. But here’s the San Francisco Chronicle with more:

During Hathaway’s appearance on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show,” the host tells the actress: “If you need someone, I will find you a boyfriend. I’m really good at it.” A red-faced Hathaway replies, “Did you see how nervous I just got?” DeGeneres adds, “You don’t even have to date. You can go straight to commitment.”

Now, admittedly, that’s a bit of a gamble. Ellen DeGeneres isn’t exactly consistent when it comes to picking romantic partners for herself, so Anne Hathaway shouldn’t hold her breath – while it’s perfectly feasible that Ellen would pick Anne someone 10,000 leagues above her, like she managed herself with Portia De Rossi, there’s also a pretty good change that she’d end up trying to set her up with lunatic berserko with an alter-ego named Celestia who’s the half sister of Jesus and can talk to aliens. Anne Heche, in other words.

And if that all falls through, there’s always us. We’re much better than Anne Hathaway’s last boyfriend. We’d never dress up as a priest and defraud the elderly. True, that’s because dressing up as the devil and defrauding the terminally ill has proven more effective for us. But let’s not split hairs. Call us, Anne.

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Or words to that effect, anyway. We’ve been hearing a few rumours recently suggesting that Mariah Carey and her still husband Nick Cannon have got a baby on the way. And despite her prickly diva reputation, Mariah Carey is only to happy to directly address these rumours.

OK, not completely directly. But Mariah Carey will break into a deep sweat, shuffle awkwardly in her seat, giggle nervously, spout all kinds of tangential gibberish and look around anxiously for someone, anyone, who can put an end to the torture she’s going through if you do happen to ask her about pregnancy. Which, by chance, is exactly what Mariah Carey did on The Ellen DeGeneres Show today.

Despite her fame and fortune, Mariah Carey has dealt with no end of terrible periods in her life. She’s had an enormous wibbling mental breakdown, she’s been involved in a marriage so miserable that she used to fantasise about being kidnapped and she’s performed a duet with Westlife. All horrible, awful, unthinkable things to have to deal with.

So Mariah Carey deserves some happiness in her life. And if she wants that happiness to come in the form of a tiny screaming poo-machine that’s both massively expensive and eternally ungrateful, then so be it.

Ever since Mariah Carey got married to Nick Cannon earlier this year, after knowing him for appromixately a third of a second, she’s had babies on her mind constantly. This is either because Mariah Carey is full of love just waiting to be unleashed onto a new life, or because she heard that babies totally fit into that new chichi Prada handbag, but we suppose the motivation isn’t that important at the moment.

The point is, Mariah Carey might actually be pregnant now. She might not be, of course, but the low-level nervous breakdown that Mariah Carey had on The Ellen DeGeneres Show the instant that the topic of pregnancy was brought up would suggest that she’s either pregnant or needs to get a repeat prescription for her nutty pills.

To begin with, Mariah Carey was only too happy to talk about the state of her pregnancy, but then – in a stroke of something dazzling close to genius – DeGeneres brought out the champagne and the brought on Mariah’s terrified wibblefit. MTV reports:

Mariah then gave her a whole slew of excuses, other than being pregnant, for not drinking the bubbly. “It’s just fattening!” she said. “This is peer pressure! … It’s too early for me. I only drink after 3 p.m.” You can’t blame Ellen for trying. “No, let’s toast to you not being pregnant,” she ventured. Mariah, who only pretended to sip her champagne, wasn’t down for that sort of toast either.

Mariah Carey should know that shifty behaviour like that is only going to spur on more pregnancy speculation, but let’s give her the benefit of the doubt – maybe Mariah Carey really does believe that champagne is fattening and she really doesn’t drink before 3pm.

If that’s the case, then we completely blame Ellen DeGeneres for not getting a definitive pregnancy statement out of Mariah Carey. Champagne was clever, but not foolproof. Ellen needed a follow-up scheme to really chase Mariah down. So we don’t know if Mariah Carey is pregnant for sure at the moment, but we definitely would if Ellen had thought to try any or all of these lines…

“Cigarette?”

“Let’s have a punching each other in the stomach competition!”

“You know what I think we should do right now? Eat raw hotdogs in a sauna!”

“Why do we see who can hide this unfolded coathanger up their own body the fastest!”

Oh Ellen. That Pulitzer Prize will never be yours unless you buck your ideas up.

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We get the feeling that Ellen DeGeneres does, because she’s just been named as the new face of CoverGirl. That’s right. Ellen DeGeneres. Not Ellen’s beautiful former model of a girlfriend Portia De Rossi. Ellen DeGeneres. She’s the new face of CoverGirl. That letter was definitely addressed to her. Not Portia. Her. Shut up.

Actually, we’re just kidding. Ellen DeGeneres is going to make a perfect face of CoverGirl. What’s more, the CoverGirl job is going to look just great on Ellen’s modelling portfolio, alongside her shoots as the face of Northumbria NHS Trust’s colorectal unit and her brief stint as Miss Frozen Animal Tripe 1995.

For all our jokes, we actually like Ellen DeGeneres. In fact, it’s safe to say that if were American and unemployed, then The Ellen DeGeneres Show would definitely be the thing we’d watch to distract us from the crushing misery of our horrible lives.

The show seems to have worked out well for Ellen DeGeneres as well. Because of it she got to host the Oscars, managed to pick up a girlfriend who’s so far out of her league that it barely seems possible and accidentally abuse her position of power by inadvertently causing her viewers to send death threats to animal hospice workers.

But that’s not the best part, because the show has also meant that Ellen DeGeneres now gets to be a model. A proper model for a real cosmetics firm. Ellen recently told the audience of her show that she’s the new face of CoverGirl, which sounds impressive even though we don’t really know what that means. People reports:

“I am the new face of CoverGirl.” Striking an exaggerated model-like pose, DeGeneres then explains, “That’s the first thing they teach you when you’re a CoverGirl.” With her commercials for the makeup giant due to be shot soon and then debut after the first of the year, DeGeneres says, “We were going to let you know [in January], but somehow people found out about it.”

It’s a shame that a handful of internet losers had to go and spoil the big surprise, isn’t it. Imagine if CoverGirl had managed to keep it a secret right up until the big reveal in January – what a reaction they’d have got! It would have basically been the exact same feeble shrug you gave a minute ago when you realised that Ellen DeGeneres was going to be the new face of CoverGirl… but in January! It would have been classic, really.

But anyway, this could really be the start of something big for Ellen DeGeneres. By landing a modelling job at CoverGirl, she’s joining an exalted group of beauties who’ve also worked for the company including Christie Brinkley, Brandy and Drew Barrymore.

Obviously that means that Ellen DeGeneres needs to up her game immediately if she wants to fit in with that group. We suggest that Ellen goes out today and either starts a car crash that kills someone, becomes a teenage cocaine addict or marries someone who spends $3000 a month on pornography. She wouldn’t want to let the company down, would she.

And it turns out that’s exactly what Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will soon get to experience for themselves because – thanks to California overturning its ban on gay marriage – Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossie are totally getting married.

With the door opened for gay marriages in Hollywood, no doubt Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will want to be among the first lesbians to formalise their civil partnership. Because that way they’ll exponentially increase the chances of being the first lesbians to undertake a messy, bitterness-filled girl-on-girl celebrity divorce. We can’t wait!

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are a match made in heaven. OK, maybe not heaven. They’re a match made in a disturbing pervert’s pornographic daydream, which is kind of the same, except all the harps are made of dildos. Possibly. Look, we’ve confused ourselves now. Start again.

Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi have been a couple for four years now, which in Hollywood terms is about twelve billion trillion jillion years. However, due to a law forbidding gay marriage, Ellen and Portia never got to make their union official with a kneejerk, barely thought-out marriage to each other that had divorce written all over it right from the get-go like their heterosexual Hollywood counterparts were able to.

As well as denying them the chance to cynically sell their marriage pictures to whichever tawdry celebrity magazine offered them the most money, the ban on gay marriage also left Ellen and Portia without the legal protection afforded to other couples in the event of one of them injuring themselves or dying. But not any more.

Now that the same-sex marriage ban has been overturned in California, Ellen DeGeneres has expressed her desire to marry Portia de Rossi as soon as possible, as People reports:

Ellen DeGeneres plans to wed longtime girlfriend Portia de Rossi, according to several reports. DeGeneres made the announcement Thursday, according to the Associated Press and TMZ. The news came hot on the heels of a judicial ruling that struck down California’s laws against gay marriage. De Rossi, 35, was reportedly in the studio when DeGeneres – who just celebrated her 50th birthday – made the announcement before a cheering audience.

We couldn’t be happier for Ellen and Portia, because this means that the next time they break a dog adoption contract and then bawl TV as a way to make themselves look like the victims until their slack-jawed viewers start trying to kill animal hospice workers as a berserk irrational revenge then, um, they’ll be doing it as a married couple. We’re sure that makes some difference one way or the other.

But we know what you’re thinking – if Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi will get married, then what about that other high-profile lesbian Rosie O’Donnell? Well that’s a bit more tricky, partly because Rosie’s marital status is somewhat up in the air after she married her partner four years ago in San Francisco only to have it voided by the California Supreme Court six months later, but also because she’s Rosie O’Donnell. Would you want to marry her?

Read more:

Ellen and Portia to Tie the Knot! – People

And, even though most people wouldn’t even give a soggy fart about Ashlee Simpson’s unborn baby even if was 300 feet tall and had lasers for eyes, it hasn’t stopped Ashlee Simpson from going on TV and being all like ‘maybe I am, maybe I’m not’ some more in the vain hope that all this pointless teasing will sell some more copies of her album.

It’s a tactic that Ashlee Simpson has clearly spent a lot of time thinking about. More than one second, in fact. So it goes without saying that she should be drowned. We don’t make the rules.

Pregnancy is a such a personal thing that no woman should be forced to talk about it in public – unless they’re Jessica Alba, because she comes out with some hilarious shit sometimes. But if a woman doesn’t want to discuss her pregnancy in public, apparently it still means they’re allowed to talk discuss the idea of their pregnancy in public so often that even their potential unborn children get so sick of hearing it that they try to strangle themselves with the own umbilical cord.

Yes, Ashlee Simpson, we’re looking at you. After her sudden engagement to Fall Out Boy glockenspielist Pete Wentz a fortnight ago, word immediately got around that Pete only proposed because Ashlee Simpson was super pregnant with a bundle of little emo babies. And that’s where the confusion started.

First Pete Wentz denied that Ashlee Simpson is pregnant, and then someone said that actually Ashlee Simpson is pregnant. All the while Ashlee maintained the public stance that a woman’s right to try and promote her new album with a tired old pregnancy rumour was sacred.

And so to Ashlee Simpson’s appearance on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, to be broadcast today. Could Ellen finally uncover the truth about Ashlee Simpson’s ovaries, or would it just be another lame excuse for Ashlee Simpson to try and whip up public speculation so she could get in more magazines than she already is? You have a guess. People reports:

When asked directly, “Are you or are you not pregnant?” Simpson demurred: “Well, that has been going on for quite a while. That is something that I choose personally not to discuss.” She then skillfully changed the subject. “Do I look like I had 10 cheeseburgers or something?” she asked the audience, standing up to show her still-slim figure. “Because I don’t think I do.”

No, Ashlee, you don’t look as if you’ve had 10 cheeseburgers. You look like an idiot who won’t shut up.

Honestly, Ashlee Simpson had better be pregnant after all of this, because her fans just aren’t going to stand for being messed around with. You can’t just exploit various aspects of your personal life for material gain and expect to come out of it unscathed. It’s not like anyone in Ashlee Simpson’s family is stupid enough to do that, is it?

Oh.

Read more:

Ashlee Simpson Dodges Pregnancy Questions – Again – People