Squeaky clean pop annoyance Justin Bieber recently had a haircut, which was front-page news almost everywhere, even here on hecklerspray. The news of his haircut sent shockwaves around the world, with sexually confused 12 year olds and slightly creepy 40 somethings everywhere begging to know why he’d chopped his famous $500 fringe off.

Naturally it’s all rather ridiculous, it’s only some hair after all, it’ll grow back, you do know that, right?

What’s even more ridiculous to the furore over Bieber’s bonce is the fact that you can now buy the hair he had lopped off. That’s right, you can buy Bieber’s former barnet covering, if you have $7,000 to spare that is.

You see, wee Justin Bieber recently appeared on the Ellen DeGeneres show in the States (for those of you unfamiliar with the Ellen show, it’s like the Alan Titchmarsh show, only markedly less annoying). During the show Bieber gave Ellen a lock of his hair, which is now being sold through popular offloading of ill-gotten property site, eBay.

The famous follicles are sealed in a clear display case that Bieber has signed and is just shy of the $7,000 mark at the time of writing.

We expect it to fetch a lot more though, it would be criminal if it didn’t, just think about how mental the Beliebers are. They actually call themselves Beliebers and if that isn’t mental we don’t know what is.

We here at hecklerspray can’t help but wonder who will end up buying Bieber’s locks. After all, there can’t be that many Belieber’s with the cash to buy it at its current price, let alone any price it may reach by next week, unless they form a syndicate and all take home one follicle each.

Maybe a very lonely adult will be the winning bidder, claiming it’s for their kids or something, when we all know they have no kids, the sick freaks.

Even we here in the hecklerspray bedsit have been looking behind the couch and rifling through Mof Gimmers’ stuff when he’s not in to see if we can stump up the cash in the hope that we can get our hands on his hair and use it for some bizarre voodoo ritual that would mean we never have to hear about Bieber or his stupid bloody hair again!

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Remember when we told you that American Idol‘s dream judges included Elton John and Justin Timberlake?

You do? Good. And remember when you thought that Elton John and Justin Timberlake would never judge American Idol because, even by Simon Cowell‘s standards, they’d both be too ridiculously expensive? Also good. Now think to yourself – if you had to pick a judge for American Idol who was less famous than Elton John and Justin Timberlake, and so desperate for work that they’d probably do it on the cheap, who would you pick? Jennifer Lopez? Funny, that’s exactly who the American Idol producers have reportedly picked, too.

Not to replace Simon Cowell, you understand. Jennifer Lopez will replace Ellen DeGeneres. She’s left too. Did we mention that? We meant to.

Make the most of these next few days, American Idol fans, because they’re bound to contain all the excitement of the actual show without any of the danger that some gormless crosseyed nitwit with too many teeth will pop out of nowhere and start whooping about how brilliant Ford cars are and how delicious Coca Cola is until you’re overcome with a sudden compulsion to burn all of your possessions and go and live in the woods.

In other words, the American Idol judging drama has continued. The story so far is that Simon Cowell left and the the producers are toying with the idea of sacking everyone else and replacing them with famous singers. Since then, Ellen DeGeneres has decided to leave American Idol and it looks very much like Jennifer Lopez will be taking her place. MTV reports:

Lopez has officially inked a deal to join “Idol” and the announcement was being kept under wraps until DeGeneres’ exit was made public. Lopez’s manager Benny Medina set up a meeting with “Idol” producers and the singer’s camp has been negotiating the deal for about a month.

That’s great news – Jennifer Lopez will be the perfect American Idol judge. Especially when it comes to comforting the eliminated contestants because, having been dropped from her record company earlier this year, she’ll be able to relate to the sting of bitter rejection better than anyone. Obviously it won’t be an entirely painless transition for Jennifer – she would have much rather replaced Randy Jackson, because his seat will have more pronounced buttock-grooves embedded in it – but she’ll be fine.

And there’ll be more new judges coming soon, if rumours emanating from American Idol HQ are anything to go by. Apparently Jennifer Lopez will soon be joined by Jessica Simpson and Steven Tyler. So that means the producers are now shelling out for Jennifer Lopez’s faded popstar glamour, Jessica Simpson’s babbling incomprehensibility and Steven Tyler’s bizarre physical appearance. Seriously, they could have got all that from just re-hiring Paula Abdul. Talk about inefficiency.

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Without its gleam-toothed, bumpube-haired talisman Simon Cowell, American Idol has found itself in a muddle.

What happens now? Can American Idol survive? Can it bank on Randy Jackson to speak in full sentences from now on? Or Ellen DeGeneres to stop being so tediously nice all the time? Or Kara DioGuardi to finally work out what her point is? Probably not. And that’s why they might all be getting sacked quite soon.

If reports are to be believed, former American Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe might be about to return to the show. And if that happens, it’s expected that his first move will involve firing Randy, Ellen and Kara and bringing in Justin Timberlake, Elton John and Usher as judges. No word on who’ll replace Ryan Seacrest, though. He is being replaced, right? Oh, say that he’s being replaced.

Great news! American Idol is going to be all change this year. Literally every single thing about it will be completely different.

Alright, not every single thing. It’ll still probably be a singing competition. And a handful of singers will progress much further than they deserve to because of some awful family tragedy. And it’ll still be filled with a suffocating level of shamelessly indiscreet product placement. But the judges will definitely all be completely different. Returning American Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe is definitely about to sack the three remaining judges and replace them with more famous ones. Mercury News reports:

Reports said Tuesday that Lythgoe will shake things up if he returns. He is said to favor canning the judge’s panel and bringing in A-list entertainers such as Elton John, Justin Timberlake and Usher as replacements. He’s even reportedly interested in wooing departed judge Paula Abdul back to the fold.

You see? It’s all go. You can’t stop progress like this. On this year’s American Idol Randy Jackson, Kara DioGuardi and Ellen DeGeneres will definitely be out and Elton John, Justin Timberlake and Usher will definitely be in. Definitely.

Except that Justin Timberlake has unequivocally said that he doesn’t want to judge American Idol, and everyone thinks that Elton John will cost too much to hire, and Randy Jackson and Ellen DeGeneres are still under contract with American Idol, and Nigel Lythgoe doesn’t even work for American Idol yet.

But aside from that… oh, who are we kidding, it’ll be exactly the same old crap that it is every year. Sorry for wasting your time.

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Remember Greyson Chance? The YouTube boy who sang Lady Gaga’s Paparazzi with an unnecessary amount of sincerity?

Sure you do. He was a genuine YouTube phenomenon, just like that video of a monkey riding a Segway. Anyway, it doesn’t matter if you can remember Greyson Chance or not, because his ascent to dickish megastardom has just begun in earnest. Greyson may only be 12 years old, but that hasn’t stopped Ellen DeGeneres from creating her own record company just to sign him – and she’s got Madonna‘s manager and Lady Gaga’s manager to look after him.

It’s brilliant news. We can’t wait to see who Ellen DeGeneres signs after Greyson Chance. Will it be the Chocolate Rain boy? Or what about the hedgehog that ate that carrot in a funny way 18 months ago? Oh, we’re so excited.

Admit it – right from the moment you saw 12-year-old Greyson Chance perform Lady Gaga’s Paparazzi in the style of Jeff Buckley being jabbed in the ribs with a World War One bayonet on YouTube, you knew he was going to be huge. It was his total confidence, it was the way that the girls in the audience visibly swooned each time he opened his mouth, it was his Pete Beale haircut. Yes, let’s all agree right now that – like it or not – Greyson Chance is going to be gigantic.

And Ellen DeGeneres is the one who’ll get rich from it. After inviting him onto her show two weeks ago, Ellen has decided that Greyson Chance will be such a sensation that she’s set up her own record label, with the express intention of making him her first signing. Fox reports:

On Wednesday’s episode of Ellen, the talk show host and American Idol judge said the first artist signed to her label would be Greyson Chance , the sixth grader whose cover of Lady Gaga’s “Paparazzi” became an Internet sensation. “Greyson … inspired me to start a record label called eleveneleven. He is my first artist and we are making a record together,” DeGeneres said.

This is obviously a brilliant move. Look at Justin Bieber – his association with Usher taught him valuable lessons about being cool and driving female fans crazy. So we can expect exactly the same thing now that Greyson Chance is associating himself with Ellen DeGeneres- you know, so long as you replace ‘being cool’ with ‘having a sensible haircut’ and ‘driving female fans crazy’ with ‘crying about dogs on the television a lot’. Well done, Greyson!

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Looks like it’s time for Justin Bieber to move onto the ‘tubby bitter hasbeen’ section of his career, then.

There’s a new kid in town. And he is actually a kid. His name is Greyson Chance. And people are predicting that Greyson Chance is going to be the next big thing. Why will he be so unstoppable? Because Greyson Chance combines the worst aspects of Lady Gaga (the music, the piano-playing) with the worst aspects of Justin Bieber (the hair, the disgusting youth) and adds something brand new – more weird otherworldly soul than you’d find in a lorryload of Jonas Brothers.

After one of his school performances became a YouTube sensation, Greyson Chance has now appeared on Ellen. In other words, this is the first and last warning we’ll get. Next thing we know he’ll be everywhere. Barricade your doors while you can.

So there’s this 12-year-old boy, right, who sang a version of Lady Gaga’s Paparazzi during a school concert. Someone uploaded a video of it to YouTube and now he’s a superstar. Some are saying that Greyson Chance’s life is like a fairytale, and we couldn’t agree more. Admittedly it’s one of those Brothers Grimm fairytales about a boy who became too famous too soon and quickly became so unbearable to be around that he spent the last half of his life weeping and alone and resentful of every ounce of success he ever had.

Probably. Anyway, to get you all up to speed, here’s that video of Greyson Chance singing Paparazzi by Lady Gaga…

You can see why people are saying that he’s destined for great thing, can’t you? He looks like Justin Bieber, sings Lady Gaga songs, has the voice of a young Jeff Buckley and the internet-endorsed fame trajectory – and possibly violent monobrow (his haircut covers it up) of Susan Boyle. Greyson Chance’s coronation came in the form of an appearance on Ellen yesterday, as People reports:

On Thursday, Chance told Ellen DeGeneres that he’s “never taken a voice lesson,” though he certainly has an innate feel for music. Of his own songs, he told her, “I write my songs for meaning. I either live them or feel them.” And Lady Gaga? “She’s probably my number one inspiration,” said Chance. “I love her individuality.”

What’s so exciting about Greyson Chance is that he already seems like the kind of legitimate artist that only comes around once a generation or so – even though he’s only 12, one of the only two songs he’s ever written is about a woman dying of cancer, for example.

So, needless to say, we look forward to seeing him get signed by a major record label who’ll dress him up like Lil Bow Wow and only let him release songs that are about girls and Facebook and BMX bikes. That’ll be fun.

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American Idol newbie Ellen DeGeneres (who has a name containing more Es than Lil Wayne’s tour bus) and head honcho Simon Cowell have reportedly fallen out behind the scenes of the talent show.

Apparently the frostiness between the pair began after Cowell pitched up an hour and a half late for the first day of Ellen’s tenure as a judge on the show. Problems have worsened recently because – and get this – Ellen thinks that Simon Cowell is quite rude to some of the contestants at times. He’s kept that quiet hasn’t he? How has no one noticed before?

Presumably Elleeeene Deegeneresee has also been surprised at how high-waisted his trousers are, how flat his hair is and how, if you drop something, that object will fall to the ground.

She has been quoted as saying that she believes he has cranked up the insults since her arrival because he knows that she doesn’t like it and he “actually enjoys pissing her off”.

The pair were originally seated next to each other but have since been separated. And if something like that happens, THEY MUST HATE EACH OTHER, RIGHT?

Let’s not have it be said that hecklerspray is a cynical entertainment website, but with this year’s calibre of contestant being less than impressive, it is quite handy for producers to have a hook, isn’t it?

Not content with an apparent feud with a current judge, Ellen is also involved in a row with a potential future judge. Shock Jock (you have to precede his name with those two words) Howard Stern‘s name has been mooted as a replacement for Cowell, much to the chagrin of the E-hoarding DeGeneres. Although you can see why after he said on his radio show, “I wouldn’t work with that fucking dummy on that karaoke show”.

These little stories must be made up, I mean – if you worked on American Idol, it’s Randy Jackson that you’d hate isn’t it, Dawg?

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The sixties were all about ‘Free love’. The seventies was the age of great movie-making and music. The eighties was epitomised by consumerism and the 1990’s had er, the Tamagotchi.

Every decade becomes synonymous with a particular movement, fashion or mood. As such, the 2010’s (or ‘Teens’ as it’s known to total idiots) will henceforth be known as the ‘Decade Where People Broke Down Or Cried A Bit On Telly’. So far, we’ve had the usually stone-faced political spin doctor Alistair Campbell wobble on Andrew Marr’s BBC show and news that Gordon Brown gets emotional during his soon-to-be-televised interview with Piers Morgan. Though surely just hearing that the PM had to meet PM would have been enough to cause hysterical weeping on a grand scale.

Kicking off the ‘Teens’ – sorry, 2010’s – Cry-O-Vision trend was of course the King of Hearts himself, Peter Andre. To celebrate the upcoming ten years of televisual tears, let’s take a look back at that and some other celebrities secreting liquid from their lacrimal glands in response to emotional stress. Why? Because THAT’S ENTERTAINMENT…!

10 – Peter Andre

You’ve got to feel sorry for Andre here really, haven’t you? Cynically railroaded into getting upset by that cyborg Kay Burley. Still, consider his situation – crying on Sky News because Dwight Yorke‘s criticising you for adopting his child, while you fight a custody battle with your ex wife, Jordan. Who is now married to a martial artist transvestite. Ah, for the simpler days of Mysterious Girl…

9 – Angelina Jolie

Angelina shows her emotional side here as she, in absolutely no way tries to positively boost her public profile.

8 – Heidi Montag

Now she’s either crying in this clip or the botox is leaking. Either way, we love her here, don’t we?

7 – Ellen DeGeneres

With the experience Ellen has in being left by dogs, you might have thought that she could deal with this latest episode of canine desertion. That was a joke about Anne Heche by the way. Tee hee hee!

6 – John Terry

No list mocking celebrities would be complete at the moment without a mention of this chap, so representing the worlds of sport and adultery – here’s John Terry!

5 – Gwyneth Paltrow

There are plenty of fawning, over-the-top Oscar speech blubfests to choose from, but Chris Martin’s missus’s 1999 Best Actress acceptance is surely the most cringe-worthy of all.

4 – The Game

After being spurned by the majority of the hip-hop community for collaboration on a protest track about police brutality, The Game broke down and cried during an interview. Which is strange because we didn’t know that The Game is a girl. That’s right, Hecklerspray is dissing you, TG. Maximum disrespect.

3 – Britney Spears

Anyone suffering from an irony intolerance should beware of this clip as Britney cries to the media about being in the media too much. We all know that the real reason that she’s crying here is that she’s upset about people making fun of internet tantrum sensation Chris Crocker after all he’s been through! ‘LEAVE CHRIS ALONE!’ She’s practically screaming here.

2 – Jessica Simpson

In a staggeringly powerful moment of self-realisation, Jessica Simpson suddenly hears her own dreadful song and voice, then remembers that she slept with the massive bell-end that is John Mayer. Boo hoo indeed!

1 – Beyonce

Quite sweet actually, this one. She’s lovely, isn’t she? If anyone has her number, can you please leave it in the comments section below please? Don’t worry about Jay-Z, he’s a girl. That’s right, Hecklerspray is dissing you too, JZ. Maxi… etc.

So there you have it. Enjoy that? Yeah you’re right, it was a little depressing.

Next week: TOP 10 Genocides!

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Ellen DeGeneres made her American Idol debut last night, and she had some intimidatingly big shoes to fill.

Paula Abdul‘s shoes. On paper, Ellen DeGeneres and Paula Abdul couldn’t be any less alike – Ellen is intentionally funny, Paula is unintentionally funny; Ellen has hosted the Oscars, Paula has hosted a home shopping television show; Ellen loves women, Paula loves the pan-gender shrieking voices that live inside her head and force her to do terrible things – so was Ellen a worthy addition to the American Idol judging panel?

The word on the street is that she was. And also that she wasn’t. And that she tried too hard. And that she didn’t try hard enough. We hope that clears things up.

Ellen DeGeneres literally couldn’t have joined American Idol at a worse time. Sure, replacing Paula Abdul seems like it’d be easy enough – all you need to do is speak in full sentences and not dribble down your chin and you’d look like a pro in comparison – but Ellen isn’t just replacing Paula Abdul.

Because she’s started mid-season, Ellen is also replacing the litter of American Idol placeholder judges that came before her. Viewers wouldn’t just be comparing her to Abdul – they’d be seeing if she was as snippy as Katy Perry or as sexually predatory as Shania Twain or if she could impersonate a Goomba from the Super Mario Bros movie as well as Victoria Beckham.

Worse still, this is Simon Cowell‘s last year on American Idol, which means – depending on who his replacement is – Ellen DeGeneres could find herself being the only adult on the panel. So, on her debut last night, Ellen needed to be funny, sympathetic, insightful and forceful enough to stop American Idol from becoming the show about the fat man with the dog fixation and the world’s most pointless woman. So no pressure, then.

Could Ellen live up all these expectations? Let’s see what the internet thought:

VoteForTheWorst: “The first Hollywood episode was a bit underwhelming, because most of it was taken up by Ellen DeGeneres trying to be funny and failing miserably.”

MTV: “Though she got to sit down while the singers took the stage, DeGeneres made her presence felt, tossing off funny asides and coherent, helpful advice while flashing just enough of her signature wit to bring a fresh feeling to the judges’ panel.”

Billboard: “Ellen DeGeneres kicked off her debut as the new “American Idol” judge in impressive fashion on Tuesday night  (Feb. 9), bringing a healthy dose of honest critiques and well-timed punchlines to the first night of Hollywood auditions.”

So, based on our horribly skewed findings, Ellen DeGeneres was two parts funny to one part crap. But you know what? Let’s give Ellen DeGeneres a chance here. This is only her first go on American Idol – once the live shows crank into gear, Ellen will have time to settle into a groove. And don’t forget – if everyone is mean about Ellen DeGeneres, then maybe Victoria Beckham will take her job. Is that really something you want? Is it? Victoria Beckham? On American Idol? All the time? Is it? You sick bastards.

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Somewhere, right now, Randy Jackson is rocking backwards and forwards, giggling to himself like a giddy toddler.

To be fair, that’s no surprise. We like to think that ‘rocking backwards and forwards, giggling to himself like a giddy toddler’ is one of Randy Jackson’s three default modes, along with ‘pointing at things and shouting the word “dog”‘ and ‘unsuccessfully trying to high-five his own shadow’. But we digress – this time Randy Jackson is giggling to himself because it looks like American Idol just became The Randy Jackson Funtime Hour.

Why? Because new American Idol judge Ellen DeGeneres has said that if Simon Cowell leaves the show, she’ll leave too. And Simon is almost definitely leaving. That just leaves Randy, that other woman, and the two nightmarish, boggle-eyed, semi-melted ventriloquist dummies that Randy is keen to fill the vacant panel seats with. We can’t wait.

Ask yourself this – what makes American Idol popular? It’s obviously not Ryan Seacrest, because he only makes things unnecessarily distressing. It’s not the singers, because if we wanted to hear atonal, high-pitched cover versions of Ring Of Fire that bear zero resemblance to the original, then we’d go and burn down a Johnny Cash impersonator convention. And it’s not the the bit where all the contestants get to sing songs in Ford showrooms, although it’s always fun to watch people’s souls withering up in front of you.

No, what makes American Idol popular is the the judging panel. It’s got the perfect mix of personalities – Simon Cowell the acerbic authoritarian, Randy Jackson the confusingly enthusiastic dog-fixated cheerleader and Paula Abdul the dribbling, incomprehensible dimwit.

Or at least that was the case. Now there’s a fourth American Idol judge whose only role is to write piss-weak Gillette jingles for the winner to release as singles, and Paula Abdul has been replaced by Ellen DeGeneres. But that’s OK, because Simon Cowell is the glue that holds the American Idol judging panel together, and he’s not going anywhere is he?

What’s that? He is? Well, never mind. We can cope. American Idol is still American Idol, even if the judges are made of the star of unwatched 1996 movie Mr Wrong, a man who everyone wrongly thinks is Michael Jackson‘s brother and one other anonymous woman who doesn’t really have a point. At least it’s stable. It’s not as if other judges will leave just because Simon Cowell is leaving, is it? Is it, Ellen DeGeneres in the newest issue of Entertainment Weekly?

“If Simon goes, I go!” declares DeGeneres, prompting Cowell to laugh — and squirm a bit. “Oh, Ellen!… That’s quite a tricky situation you’ve put me into! I think right now we have to concentrate on the next season and just get through that and worry about everything else afterwards.”

Now, there’s a chance that Ellen was joking. But you know what? Let her leave. And let the other woman leave American Idol too. And Ryan Seacrest. And the band. And the singers. Fox is committed to continuing American Idol no matter who leaves, so this could be Randy Jackson’s moment. Imagine – a show where Randy Jackson introduces Randy Jackson, who comes on and sings Addicted To Love with a banjo and a kazoo so that Randy Jackson can bounce up and down in his seat and scream “YOU’RE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD, BABY!” into a hand mirror for 45 minutes afterwards.

Well we’d watch it, anyway.

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Jennifer Aniston has grown tired of promoting her movies with endless barbed attacks on Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

So she’s moved on. However, Jennifer Aniston isn’t one to rest on her laurels, so she’s spent months devising an even more effective way to publicise her new movie Love Happens. And it’s brilliant. Banging on about her ex-husband all the time might be annoying, you see, but it doesn’t actually cause physical pain. But singing a song on TV? Bingo! That’s both annoying and excruciating!

The video’s after the jump. That’s not a reminder – more a stark, stark warning.

We can’t predict the future, but it seems like a fair guess to say that Jennifer Aniston’s new movie Love Happens won’t do particularly well at the box office. This is for several reasons, all of which we’re about to list to you…

1 - It’s called Love Happens, a title so cloyingly twee that producers may as well have just replaced it with a picture of a kitten in a child’s wellington boot.

2 - It’s got Aaron Eckhart in it, and anybody who’s seen No Reservations will know that he won’t rest until he’s made the absolute worst romantic film in the history of the moving image.

3 - The Love Happens trailer makes us want to vomit into a boxing glove, then freeze the boxing glove, then punch ourselves unconscious with the frozen vomit boxing glove.

4 - Jennifer Aniston hasn’t been promoting it by bleating on about how sad she is about Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and every single possible aspect of her personal life.

That last one’s important. Nobody went to see Marley & Me or He’s Just Not That Into You because they were good films – they endured them because they knew that if the movies failed then Jennifer Aniston wouldn’t get as many chances to whine about how crappy her life is to magazines in toe-curling detail. The more she moans, the more people feel obliged to watch her films.

But Jennifer Aniston hasn’t been whining about anything to promote Love Happens. She’s trying a different tactic. She’s singing. On television. To Ellen DeGeneres. Look…

Oh, we’re being harsh on Jennifer Aniston. To be fair, the singing wasn’t horrible and she was ambushed into doing it. It’s not like she’s got such a high opinion of her own singing ability that she’s making a new film where she plays a singing prisoner, is it? Because, come on, that would be ridiculous. Oh, what’s that, Jennifer Aniston in the video above in the preamble to the actual song?

“Yes! I will sing and play a dobro. It’s the story of the first female country and western band… I play one of the singers.”

Son of a bitch.

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Our favourite part of watching American Idol has always been crying under the couch with our fingers knuckle-deep in our ears anytime someone holding our remote control decides to check it out.

Our least favourite part of watching the show has always been the aural bleeding. Admittedly that’s probably because our un-filed fingers had just been jammed in there, but still, in our head we blamed Paula Abdul.

Now that blame will have to shift to Ellen DeGeneres. She, apparently, is Abdul’s new full-time, permanent replacement.

Ellen DeGeneres is a very busy woman. She’s already got the world’s number one talk show of all time as ranked by women with boy haircuts, she hosts the Oscars pretty much everybday, Cover Girl thinks she really speaks to their desired 50-year-old woman demographic – and now she’s gonna be putting in an extra 40 hours per week telling children to please “For the love of all that is now or ever has been holy, slit your vocal cord before the sun sets another day. Your mother probably hates you.”

That, we figure, will be her catchphrase.

Surely you remember that Paula Abdul up and quit her job recently. When we first heard this we thought it meant she was no longer an expired 80s pop star. No, no she’s still that. It’s not really a job, but she is still that. She quit American Idol. At first the rumours were flying that she was gonna be replaced by MC Skat Kat. Although this would have been a tremendous step forward, talks fell through when Pixar refused to climb on board.

So Idol had to settle for second best.

Second best is Ellen DeGeneres. No – not that Ellen DeGeneres. The other one. The one with the talk show. Reuters says:

“Fox television executives and the producers of the hit singing talent show had been searching for a permanent, new judge to sit in Abdul’s seat when the ninth season of the show returns to TV in January 2010. “As the new judge, Ellen will offer her own unique perspective to the contestants throughout the competition,” Fox said in a statement. DeGeneres, whose award-winning talk show “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” is in its seventh season, described herself as a longtime fan of the show.”

This comes as harsh news to Abdul’s ardent fan who was desperate for her to make a triumphant return to the show. Possibly on a parade float or something. That fan died a while back though. Everyone else seems rather indifferent.

Well, everyone except DeGeneres seems indifferent. Here’s what she says about joining the judges:

“So getting this job is a dream come true, and think of all the money I’ll save from not having to text my vote.”

Well that’s that. There is no longer room for Abdul at the long table. There’s some question as to what she’s gonna do next. If any of you know of a job opening wherein a person can lay around comatose sobbing about how she could be so stupid, and why won’t Simon call her back, get that to her agent, won’t you?

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say LohanWe’re thrilled that Ellen DeGeneres gave Lindsay Lohan a platform to air her views on her break-up yesterday.

Because where else has Lindsay Lohan had the opportunity to discuss her life since the Sam Ronson split? You know, apart from her Twitter account. And her MySpace blog. And that magazine she’s on the front cover of. And all the other magazines she’s not on the front cover of. And that Funny Or Die video. And TMZ approximately every six or seven seconds. Nowhere, that’s where.

So what did Lindsay Lohan have to say to Ellen yesterday? Oh, like anybody cares.

Did you know that Lindsay Lohan recently split up with Sam Ronson? You didn’t? Well, we’ve got some shocking news for you, so you’d better sit down on the floor of your prehistoric cave – Lindsay Lohan and Sam Ronson have split up. We know. We imagine that the one or two people on the planet who actually a) care about either Lindsay Lohan or Sam Ronson and b) approved of their relationship are probably quite cut up about it.

Since the split, both parties have tried to move on as best they can. Sam Ronson has presumably thrown herself into looking like a tooth-gnarled novelty pencil full-time, while Lindsay Lohan has adopted a more two-pronged approach – firstly she’s reminded the world that she’s got tits, and secondly she hasn’t shut up about the split, not once, not even for a second, since the bastard actually happened.

There was the real-time commentary on the split itself via Lindsay’s Twitter account, of course, and the stunned aftermath played out in Lindsay’s ‘I’m So Alone’ magazine story. So yesterday it was time for the next logical step – Lindsay Lohan went on the Ellen show to babble on obliviously about herself some more despite the fact that there can’t honestly be anyone anywhere who gives even the embryonic stages of a hoot about it any more. People reports:

“I had no idea what was going on. I just hadn’t seen her in, like, a week. She, like, disappeared,” Lohan says. Lohan denied infidelity was the cause: “I don’t believe in cheating on someone.” And Lohan still holds hope that the split won’t be permanent. “I really care about Samantha… Maybe when we’re fully in the right place. And I love her.”

Lindsay Lohan’s refusal to believe that it’s over is beautiful, really. Romantic. You know, like how keeping your dead mother’s body in your freezer and spending every night waltzing around your house in her underwear to the soundtrack of The Wicker Man is romantic. Like we said, romantic.

But maybe enough is enough. maybe now Lindsay Lohan should forget about Sam Ronson and try to focus on her career. Whatever that is. It’s been so long since Lindsay Lohan has been paid to do anything that we’ve forgotten what it is that she actually does. We want to say window cleaner…

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Times are hard for Anne Hathaway – the only man she’s ever loved is in jail for being a dirty Pope-dressing conman.

In fact, it’s more or less a guarantee that Anne Hathaway will never experience another second of happiness in her entire life. But not if Ellen DeGeneres has anything to do with it – during an interview with her yesterday, Ellen promised that she’d find Anne Hathaway a boyfriend who didn’t con pensioners for a living.

Rumours that all the boyfriends that Ellen DeGeneres will find for Anne Hathaway are just Ellen DeGeneres in a bowtie are as yet unconfirmed.

We all know that Anne Hathaway has trust issues. If she pins her political hopes on a politician, he’ll end up breaking her heart by siding with the crazy old Jesus-nuts. If she trusts a director when he tells her that he wants her for a blockbuster movie, he’ll end up breaking her heart by making Bride Wars.

And if Anne Hathaway gives her heart to a man, he’ll end up breaking that heart and trying to use the remains as capital in some sort of elaborate Vatican-related Ponzi scheme. And Anne Hathaway needs that heart – it’s the only one powerful enough to pump blood around all the different parts of her big face.

But if there’s one person who can identify with Anne Hathaway it’s Ellen DeGeneres. She, too, has loved and lost – although admittedly the thing she loved and lost was a puppy. And she lost it on purpose because it kept shitting everywhere. But that’s beside the point. Ellen DeGeneres is on Anne Hathaway’s side, and that’s all that matters.

Ellen DeGeneres is so on Anne Hathaway’s side, in fact, that she’s made it her own personal mission to find her a boyfriend. And, hey, forget that Anne Hathaway already sort of has a boyfriend a bit anyway – Ellen is going to find her a real man. A real man like Rosie O’Donnell.

OK, not like Rosie O’Donnell at all. But here’s the San Francisco Chronicle with more:

During Hathaway’s appearance on the “Ellen DeGeneres Show,” the host tells the actress: “If you need someone, I will find you a boyfriend. I’m really good at it.” A red-faced Hathaway replies, “Did you see how nervous I just got?” DeGeneres adds, “You don’t even have to date. You can go straight to commitment.”

Now, admittedly, that’s a bit of a gamble. Ellen DeGeneres isn’t exactly consistent when it comes to picking romantic partners for herself, so Anne Hathaway shouldn’t hold her breath – while it’s perfectly feasible that Ellen would pick Anne someone 10,000 leagues above her, like she managed herself with Portia De Rossi, there’s also a pretty good change that she’d end up trying to set her up with lunatic berserko with an alter-ego named Celestia who’s the half sister of Jesus and can talk to aliens. Anne Heche, in other words.

And if that all falls through, there’s always us. We’re much better than Anne Hathaway’s last boyfriend. We’d never dress up as a priest and defraud the elderly. True, that’s because dressing up as the devil and defrauding the terminally ill has proven more effective for us. But let’s not split hairs. Call us, Anne.

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Is Mariah Carey pregnant? Mariah Carey says “What? Me? Pregnant? Um, I’m, er, hey! Look over there! Balloons!”

Or words to that effect, anyway. We’ve been hearing a few rumours recently suggesting that Mariah Carey and her still husband Nick Cannon have got a baby on the way. And despite her prickly diva reputation, Mariah Carey is only to happy to directly address these rumours.

OK, not completely directly. But Mariah Carey will break into a deep sweat, shuffle awkwardly in her seat, giggle nervously, spout all kinds of tangential gibberish and look around anxiously for someone, anyone, who can put an end to the torture she’s going through if you do happen to ask her about pregnancy. Which, by chance, is exactly what Mariah Carey did on The Ellen DeGeneres Show today.

Despite her fame and fortune, Mariah Carey has dealt with no end of terrible periods in her life. She’s had an enormous wibbling mental breakdown, she’s been involved in a marriage so miserable that she used to fantasise about being kidnapped and she’s performed a duet with Westlife. All horrible, awful, unthinkable things to have to deal with.

So Mariah Carey deserves some happiness in her life. And if she wants that happiness to come in the form of a tiny screaming poo-machine that’s both massively expensive and eternally ungrateful, then so be it.

Ever since Mariah Carey got married to Nick Cannon earlier this year, after knowing him for appromixately a third of a second, she’s had babies on her mind constantly. This is either because Mariah Carey is full of love just waiting to be unleashed onto a new life, or because she heard that babies totally fit into that new chichi Prada handbag, but we suppose the motivation isn’t that important at the moment.

The point is, Mariah Carey might actually be pregnant now. She might not be, of course, but the low-level nervous breakdown that Mariah Carey had on The Ellen DeGeneres Show the instant that the topic of pregnancy was brought up would suggest that she’s either pregnant or needs to get a repeat prescription for her nutty pills.

To begin with, Mariah Carey was only too happy to talk about the state of her pregnancy, but then – in a stroke of something dazzling close to genius – DeGeneres brought out the champagne and the brought on Mariah’s terrified wibblefit. MTV reports:

Mariah then gave her a whole slew of excuses, other than being pregnant, for not drinking the bubbly. “It’s just fattening!” she said. “This is peer pressure! … It’s too early for me. I only drink after 3 p.m.” You can’t blame Ellen for trying. “No, let’s toast to you not being pregnant,” she ventured. Mariah, who only pretended to sip her champagne, wasn’t down for that sort of toast either.

Mariah Carey should know that shifty behaviour like that is only going to spur on more pregnancy speculation, but let’s give her the benefit of the doubt – maybe Mariah Carey really does believe that champagne is fattening and she really doesn’t drink before 3pm.

If that’s the case, then we completely blame Ellen DeGeneres for not getting a definitive pregnancy statement out of Mariah Carey. Champagne was clever, but not foolproof. Ellen needed a follow-up scheme to really chase Mariah down. So we don’t know if Mariah Carey is pregnant for sure at the moment, but we definitely would if Ellen had thought to try any or all of these lines…

“Cigarette?”

“Let’s have a punching each other in the stomach competition!”

“You know what I think we should do right now? Eat raw hotdogs in a sauna!”

“Why do we see who can hide this unfolded coathanger up their own body the fastest!”

Oh Ellen. That Pulitzer Prize will never be yours unless you buck your ideas up.

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You know when you accidentally open a letter addressed to your partner and then pretend it was for you all along rather than admit to it?

We get the feeling that Ellen DeGeneres does, because she’s just been named as the new face of CoverGirl. That’s right. Ellen DeGeneres. Not Ellen’s beautiful former model of a girlfriend Portia De Rossi. Ellen DeGeneres. She’s the new face of CoverGirl. That letter was definitely addressed to her. Not Portia. Her. Shut up.

Actually, we’re just kidding. Ellen DeGeneres is going to make a perfect face of CoverGirl. What’s more, the CoverGirl job is going to look just great on Ellen’s modelling portfolio, alongside her shoots as the face of Northumbria NHS Trust’s colorectal unit and her brief stint as Miss Frozen Animal Tripe 1995.

For all our jokes, we actually like Ellen DeGeneres. In fact, it’s safe to say that if were American and unemployed, then The Ellen DeGeneres Show would definitely be the thing we’d watch to distract us from the crushing misery of our horrible lives.

The show seems to have worked out well for Ellen DeGeneres as well. Because of it she got to host the Oscars, managed to pick up a girlfriend who’s so far out of her league that it barely seems possible and accidentally abuse her position of power by inadvertently causing her viewers to send death threats to animal hospice workers.

But that’s not the best part, because the show has also meant that Ellen DeGeneres now gets to be a model. A proper model for a real cosmetics firm. Ellen recently told the audience of her show that she’s the new face of CoverGirl, which sounds impressive even though we don’t really know what that means. People reports:

“I am the new face of CoverGirl.” Striking an exaggerated model-like pose, DeGeneres then explains, “That’s the first thing they teach you when you’re a CoverGirl.” With her commercials for the makeup giant due to be shot soon and then debut after the first of the year, DeGeneres says, “We were going to let you know [in January], but somehow people found out about it.”

It’s a shame that a handful of internet losers had to go and spoil the big surprise, isn’t it. Imagine if CoverGirl had managed to keep it a secret right up until the big reveal in January – what a reaction they’d have got! It would have basically been the exact same feeble shrug you gave a minute ago when you realised that Ellen DeGeneres was going to be the new face of CoverGirl… but in January! It would have been classic, really.

But anyway, this could really be the start of something big for Ellen DeGeneres. By landing a modelling job at CoverGirl, she’s joining an exalted group of beauties who’ve also worked for the company including Christie Brinkley, Brandy and Drew Barrymore.

Obviously that means that Ellen DeGeneres needs to up her game immediately if she wants to fit in with that group. We suggest that Ellen goes out today and either starts a car crash that kills someone, becomes a teenage cocaine addict or marries someone who spends $3000 a month on pornography. She wouldn’t want to let the company down, would she.