Throughout the course of human history, there have been some truly amazing appearances on talk shows by completely shit-faced celebrities. It’s always magical when it happens … and I think I can speak for all of us when I say that we, the public, wish it happened more often.
No one has ever believed those horseshit excuses about actors being nervous or shy in interviews. It’s your job to entertain people (for which you make an astronomical amount of money), and you can very well have a chat in front of an adoring audience for a few minutes. However, if it helps you to get your drink on prior to (or during) the interview, then by all means chug-a-lug.
Some of the world’s most prestigious entertainers have confessed to getting sloshed before going on TV, including Pat Sajak, the incomparable host of Wheel of Fortune, who admitted that Vanna White and he would sometimes indulge in “two or three or six” drinks before taping shows. Alex Trebek undoubtedly does the same … there’s a fucking lush if I’ve ever seen one … but we’re focusing on talk shows, so let’s not get distracted.
A few years ago, John Stamos was clearly shit-faced on an Australian morning show. The network claimed that his bizarre behavior was because he was jet-lagged, and quite possibly that’s true … if by jet-lagged, they mean hammered. Robert Pattinson and Amanda Seyfried have both admitted to drinking before live interviews … though, frankly, Amanda admits to a lot of things, and neither one of those two is terribly entertaining. Then there’s Anna Nicole Smith, Paula Abdul, Steve-O, blah blah blah.
While there are definitely a great many talk show guests who are under the influence … whether they admit it or not … there are now three that stand out as being particularly awesome. Number 3 in this countdown of the best wasted celebrity guest talk show spots is Danny DeVito on The View.
Danny DeVito on The View
Danny DeVito rules for a long list of reasons, but in this case, he evidently arrived for his guest spot, slurring and delirious, on the tail end of an all-nighter with George Clooney (by the way, those two guys combined with Buster Bluth, John Lennon, and possibly Kristen Wiig compose my ideal party).
Danny brazenly mocks then-president George Bush and announces that when his wife and he stayed in the White House’s infamous Lincoln Bedroom, they “made it [their] business to really wreck the joint.” (Picture that for a sec in your mind’s eye.) In later days, Danny later claimed that he wasn’t really drunk, just “groggy” … but no one believes him.
Diane Keaton on the Ellen DeGeneres Show
Number 2 goes to the charmingly awkward Diane Keaton (who could also come to my party if she’s free). Earlier this week, Diane was on The Ellen DeGeneres Show to promote her new movie and she was on fire. She talked about tantric sex, punching/kissing Robert DeNiro, and her painful dearth of marriage proposals. She was extraordinarily giggly and odd and likable.
Mark Wahlberg on the Graham Norton
Diane’s giggly charm is just barely nudged out by the Number 1 Wasted Celebrity on a Talk Show, which has to go to Mark Wahlberg for his appearance on The Graham Norton in February of this year.
Mark was openly drinking red wine and googly from the very beginning … flirting with Sarah Silverman, telling heart-warming stories about his son punching him (and The Rock) in the nuts, and challenging Michael Fassbender to a big dick contest (not a great idea since we’ve all seen Michael Fassbender’s dick). The whole show is worth watching, but the best part is Red Chair bit at the very end. Mark is indescribably fantastic(ally drunk).
I would like to reiterate that we love it when you celebrities are drunk on TV. Mark, Diane, and Danny are far and away the best talk show guests … as well as three of the most adorable people on the planet. The rest of you boring-ass interviews should take a lesson from them … and also a shot. Cheers!