Top 3 Wasted Celebrities on Talk Shows

danny-devito-diane-keaton-mark-wahlberg

Throughout the course of human history, there have been some truly amazing appearances on talk shows by completely shit-faced celebrities. It’s always magical when it happens … and I think I can speak for all of us when I say that we, the public, wish it happened more often. 

No one has ever believed those horseshit excuses about actors being nervous or shy in interviews. It’s your job to entertain people (for which you make an astronomical amount of money), and you can very well have a chat in front of an adoring audience for a few minutes. However, if it helps you to get your drink on prior to (or during) the interview, then by all means chug-a-lug.

Some of the world’s most prestigious entertainers have confessed to getting sloshed before going on TV, including Pat Sajak, the incomparable host of Wheel of Fortune, who admitted that Vanna White and he would sometimes indulge in “two or three or six” drinks before taping shows. Alex Trebek undoubtedly does the same … there’s a fucking lush if I’ve ever seen one … but we’re focusing on talk shows, so let’s not get distracted.

A few years ago, John Stamos was clearly shit-faced on an Australian morning show. The network claimed that his bizarre behavior was because he was jet-lagged, and quite possibly that’s true … if by jet-lagged, they mean hammered. Robert Pattinson and Amanda Seyfried have both admitted to drinking before live interviews … though, frankly, Amanda admits to a lot of things, and neither one of those two is terribly entertaining. Then there’s Anna Nicole Smith, Paula Abdul, Steve-O, blah blah blah.

While there are definitely a great many talk show guests who are under the influence … whether they admit it or not … there are now three that stand out as being particularly awesome. Number 3 in this countdown of the best wasted celebrity guest talk show spots is Danny DeVito on The View.

Danny DeVito on The View

Danny DeVito rules for a long list of reasons, but in this case, he evidently arrived for his guest spot, slurring and delirious, on the tail end of an all-nighter with George Clooney (by the way, those two guys combined with Buster Bluth, John Lennon, and possibly Kristen Wiig compose my ideal party).

Danny brazenly mocks then-president George Bush and announces that when his wife and he stayed in the White House’s infamous Lincoln Bedroom, they “made it [their] business to really wreck the joint.” (Picture that for a sec in your mind’s eye.) In later days, Danny later claimed that he wasn’t really drunk, just “groggy” … but no one believes him.

Diane Keaton on the Ellen DeGeneres Show

Number 2 goes to the charmingly awkward Diane Keaton (who could also come to my party if she’s free). Earlier this week, Diane was on The Ellen DeGeneres Show to promote her new movie and she was on fire. She talked about tantric sex, punching/kissing Robert DeNiro, and her painful dearth of marriage proposals. She was extraordinarily giggly and odd and likable.

Mark Wahlberg on the Graham Norton

Diane’s giggly charm is just barely nudged out by the Number 1 Wasted Celebrity on a Talk Show, which has to go to Mark Wahlberg for his appearance on The Graham Norton in February of this year.

Mark was openly drinking red wine and googly from the very beginning … flirting with Sarah Silverman, telling heart-warming stories about his son punching him (and The Rock) in the nuts, and challenging Michael Fassbender to a big dick contest (not a great idea since we’ve all seen Michael Fassbender’s dick). The whole show is worth watching, but the best part is Red Chair bit at the very end. Mark is indescribably fantastic(ally drunk).

I would like to reiterate that we love it when you celebrities are drunk on TV. Mark, Diane, and Danny are far and away the best talk show guests … as well as three of the most adorable people on the planet. The rest of you boring-ass interviews should take a lesson from them … and also a shot. Cheers!

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Comments

  1. CNJ says

    This was great. I’m pretty sure I’m like Diane Keaton when I’m drunk. Laughing at everything and talking about things no one gives a damn about.

  2. Rh Negative says

    shame on you for even hinting that Diane Keaton is adorable. A grown old woman on a lesbian-hosted talk show laughing her ass off, ranting about sex, rambling incoherently, and drinking shamelessly & in public. How pathetic.

  3. Polly says

    RH Negative=Looks to me like you watched it. If so bad why didn’t you turn it off. I thought it was funny no matter how old she is -she is pretty. What is the matter with you? I bet you are a load of fun to be with. HaHa

  4. Mira says

    Aw, is someone jealous that other people are having a good time? Even if you don’t agree that she is adorable, you can’t deny that she would probably be fun as hell to hang out with!

  5. iwilliam says

    @Rh Negative

    Oh NO! Not only a woman, but an OLDER woman? DRINKING? And LAUGHING? And talking about SEX? (Dirty, filthy, shameful sex– whoever invented sex should be ashamed of themselves, am I right?) And rambling on, like she’s having a good time, with that LESBIAN!?!?

    (What ever is the world coming to? Didn’t these sinful, sinful ladies read the bible?)

    You sound almost as jealous as you are uptight. I have no idea what someone like you is even doing reading an article like this. Although part of me imagines you might scour the internet, just searching for things you can look down your nose at. Perhaps try pulling the stick out of your ass. You might enjoy life a little more.

    PS– She IS adorable.

  6. littlebitty24 says

    WOW!!! You didn’t hesitate for one minute to throw the first stone did you???

  7. Ironworker says

    2,000,000 Caucasian people helping the Chicago Blackhawks celebrate their 2013 Stanley Cup victory at the Hawks parade and rally was really a beautiful thing…not one murder, rape, or robbery; no rioting or looting, unlike when the Bulls won their championships and all the criminal-minded urban savage beasts in Chicago rioted, looted, murdered, raped and robbed, all under the pretext of “celebrating” a Bulls championship. Hawks fans showed a lot of class…while Bulls fans…you know, are just wild apes.

  8. stardog23 says

    There’s the infamous appearance by Robert Mitchum on the iconic Michael Parkinson show in Britain in the 1970s. On the surface it appears that a Mitchum, worse the wear for drink, simply clams up and gives one word answers to Parkinson throughout the interview that leaves Parky, as he;s affectionately known, totally bewildered, frustrated and a little annoyed. That’s the story that was allowed to “leak out” from the BBC and fed to the press about the monosyllabic, on behalf of Mitchum, appearance.

    However, there is another tale to be told about said interview one that the BBC was desperate to “sit on”. That was that, Mitchum an unashamed smoker of the the old cannibal raisins ad herbal cigarettes, had managed to obtain some rather stonkingly good Moroccan “Kiff” Moroccan Kiff is usually a mixture of cannabis resin and a fine black tobacco and according to the old saying “Gives one the strength of a 2 camels in the work yard”. The pungent black tobacco has the effect of masking the the smell of the cannabis and Mitchum saw this as a perfect way to be able to puff away on a pipe in his dressing room without attracting too much attention.

    Anyway, a couple of hours before the interview is to be filmed, Parky wanders into Mitchum’s dressing room and being a bit of a “pipe man” himself at the time, enquires as to the rather aromatic blend Mitchum is smoking. Mitchum simply couldn’t resist it and handed Parky the pipe knowing full well, by the time the interview commences that, said host would be flying higher than a swallow on a summer thermal.

    This was the reason for Mitchum’s monosyllabic performance, he was trying to push Parky as far as he could and see if Parky could keep it together or, would he finally just corpse and dribble all over his comfortable studio seat.