Well all know that Kim Kardashian is the very pinnacle of media whoredom, leapfrogging other visionaries as Paris Hilton, Tulisa Contostavlos and the rest of the Kardashian sisters, to the crown of Most Annoying Slag 2012. And we all know why, because she wants to show everything that happens through the medium of television, even though her television shows are so tucked and trimmed that if they were pies, they would be the most disgusting tasting pies ever. Though they would look great.

But what happens when TV turns against her? We’ve seen public opinion of the Kardashian Klan flip recently with claims of her marriage being a sham; even her soon to be ex-husband is throwing some fuel onto the hair extension, Sketchers-advertising fire, with news reaching us that he wants to show the divorce trial ON TV.

In a move that will take the Kardashian/Humphries debacle into a whole new universe of meta-awareness, we’ll be watching them divorce live on TV! Which is very Matrix isn’t it?

You have to wonder which pill Kim took, just so we know which one not to take. It’s at times like this that we’d rather be in a pod, having our very essence drained from us, than know that somewhere Kim Kardashian is swanning around thinking she’s Queen Poop or something.

Kris Humphries and his lawyer, Lee Hutton, are wanting to “expose the M.O. of reality TV” by showing that K. Kardashian had as much intention of staying married to him than we do of using anything that the Kardashian Kartel advertise. Humphries is also claiming that Kim only wanted big ratings for her show. Which anyone could have told him. Helen Keller could have told him that.

According to TMZ, who would NEVER lie or speculate wildly, Kim has filed for divorce on the grounds of ‘irreconcilable differences’ which probably means he didn’t want to sit and brush her hair a hundred times each night, whereas he wants the marriage to be annulled on grounds of ‘fraud.’ Which is a bit scary isn’t it?

Just like every other Kardashian news, Kris Jenner has stuck her beaky beak in with some objections. She thinks that the publicity that Humphries has gained has made him a much more pleasing opportunity when it comes to marketing himself, even though having anything to do with that family will leave a 666 tattooed on your scalp, and that they drew up and long and complicated pre-nuptial agreement that Jenner is saying that Kim wouldn’t have bothered doing if she was only intending to stay married for a matter of days. Even though it was probably Jenner who drew up the agreement in the first place.

To be honest, seeing anyone wipe the self serving smile off any one of the Kardashian’s faces is A-OK with us. They’re very awful.

Denise Welch officially splits from Tim Healy, not that anyone cares anymore. Remember at the end of Jurassic Park where all of the dinosaurs were left to their own devices and untouched by human hands again? And when King Kong was shot fell to his death from the Empire State building? And when Ethel Skinner was put down by Dot Cotton, ending her reign of sexual terror? Well, these are examples of when it’s acceptable to lock up/euthanise sexual threats because they pose a threat to greater society.

Unfortunately, we are facing a turning point in our history because one of these situations has arisen again: Denise Welch is single again.

The 2012 Celebrity Big Brother winner and Byker Grove star confirmed the worrying news yesterday on Loose Women, where she spoke candidly and without any prompting from her agent about the situation between her and Career Geordie, Tim Healy.

Which isn’t great is it? Now you won’t be able to finish your cornflakes without worrying about where Denise will be striking next.

Unfortunately for any people with a working penis (she doesn’t discriminate against gay or straight apparently) this means that she’s bringing her own unique brand of syphilitic whoring to a town near you VERY SOON. Lock up your brothers, husbands, sons and nephews, because she is coming for them.

We imagine that this is what it felt like when news broke about Hitler annexing Czechoslovakia. Everyone was one step closer to War, and we are one step closer to reading all about her every step and clap of pissflap in every magazine going. We’ll have her yearning to have a family in OK! and her desire to be single and how she’s loving the single life in Hello! And whatever shit the Daily Mail want to publish about her.

The Welch Menace got all teary and emotional when she broke the heart-rendering news to the Loose Women audience and fans, and told them that they had been separated for a “a few months” even though she was seen acting like a married couple just last week at Tim Healy’s birthday, in a move that will send ripples through the camps of fellow Career Divorcées Kerry Katona and Natasha Giggs. If she can infiltrate and imitate a happy couple so convincingly then what’s stopping her from using her human chameleon powers to rob a bank, or worse still, your husband. In fact, she might even be in your house now!

To help put your mind at rest, here is our handy guide to surviving the Welch Menace until she is fully under control and we’ve all forgotten about her.

• Regularly check under all settees and covered tables. Denise Welch is well known for sleeping in dark and warm areas that can also provide protection, until she is ready to strike again. If you do suspect Denise Welch is under your settee, do not approach. She will lift her top and expose herself if provoked.
• Do not store unused alcohol on your premises until the Welch Panic is over. She can smell alcohol from up to 16 miles away and has been known to flock overnight to reach a newly opened bottle of Martini. At the very least keep a bottle top on all alcohol that is not in use, so as not to attract her attention.
• If you do become cornered by a Denise Welch, do not frighten or attack (see point 1). Instead, stay as still as possible until the threat has passed. Denise Welch is attracted by people who regularly move around and will soon get bored if she thinks there is no one in the room with her to annoy/talk about herself to/mate with. Once she has gone, lock all your windows and doors and wait for a member of Heat to arrive so they can document every thing she has done.
• If you are unfortunate enough and she does realise you are there, then either a) open a bottle of wine (pink is her favourite) and throw it into the corner of the room. The distraction will be enough for you to make your escape, or b) use whatever shiny surface you can find to distract her attention. If Denise Welch has a shiny surface to talk to, and thinks that she is talking to someone who she thinks is her equal, she can spend upwards of 56 hours nonstop conversing with herself.
• Do not under any circumstances listen to anything Denise Welch says. She is descended from a line of mythical prostitute Sirens and she has been known to make even a passing interest in her career stretch out for two decades.

If you’re reading this and your husband has already expressed an interest in seeing her at a local public gathering, or muttered the words ‘Natalie Barnes’ in his sleep, then unfortunately it is already too late.

Good luck out there and be vigilant.

As well you know, Demi Moore’s suffering and being rushed to hospital after seizures from alleged narcotics, is simply not enough for us. The fact she’s so unhappy is fine and all, but we need more.

Like what?

We all need to hear her cry for help. It’s not good enough knowing that she was desperate – we need to hear EXACTLY how desperate she was. Of course, this also gives everyone the opportunity to overdub her pleas for help into a Hitler video or, indeed, remix it into the next hilariously autotuned dance-smash! That’s right folks! Her 911 call is getting released to the public!

City officials plan to release an edited version of the 911 call made from actress Demi Moore’s home Monday, with any personal information about her medical condition or medications removed. Which is a shame.

Still, at least the palpable fear in her voice, potential slurring of words and any crying will still be in the final cut.

The Los Angeles City Attorney’s office has recommended that the recording should be edited before it sees release to media outlets to comply with federal medical privacy laws.

And, if sources are to be believed, Demi was caning ”whip-its”, which is a type of nitrous oxide inhalant. TMZ say that one of Moore’s pals called 911 after the actress had a bad reaction and started showing symptoms of a seizure.

With any luck, the phone call will also feature Demi Moore laughing her ass off in the background, with the pitch of her voice drastically altered or something. Let us not forget, while she may have been under the impression she was going to die, we need some comedic relief from it. We should be thankful of her drug of choice.

But remember, Moore is in hospital for “exhaustion.” Everyone should pray that we manage to find a cure for it.

Either way, this is all Ashton Kutcher’s fault. Not only is he hellbent on making the entire world miserable through Two And A Half Men, but he’s trying to kill Demi Moore.

Well done to all concerned. NOW HURRY UP AND RELEASE THE TAPE!

You can’t fault Demi Moore’s record. Some terrible, terrible films aside, some people forget that she put up with really, really Republican gunslinger Bruce Willis’ penis for a considerable amount of time, before taking on Ashton Kutcher in his most elaborate “Punk’d” episode so far.

Fresh from divorcing the “Butterfly Effect”, um, star (well, he was in it), our Demi’s feeling a bit sleepy and has been admitted to hospital with exhaustion.

Moore, who has been in over 9 films since 2006 (so, 10), said through a psychic medium in third-person: ”Because of the stresses in her life right now, Demi has chosen to seek professional assistance to treat her exhaustion and improve her overall health. She looks forward to getting well and is grateful for the support of her family and friends.”

Demi will be delighted to know this makes her hecklerspray fodder and we have no shame. We can only hope she pulls through to carry on playing Gloria Steinem in what is an inspired piece of casting, similar to Arnold Schwarzenegger in “Kindergarten Cop” or Uma Thurman in “Batman and Robin”.

Here’s a thing: how much do you reckon Bruce Willis’ appendage looks like him physically? We have weird dreams sometimes, and thinks it’s something like Dr Evil and Mini Me but all too literally. Yippie-kye-ay.

All that aside, Demi is invariably going to hospital to die because, not only has she got the shame of having some of the most peculiar surgically enhanced breasts in the universe, but she’s also got the trauma of being the only woman lame enough in the whole world who could have Ashton Kutcher cheat on her.

That’s like losing a game of cards to an ailing goldfish. Seriously. Kutcher has no merit whatsoever, and yet, he had the temerity to stick his wang up someone else. On their wedding anniversary.

Anyway, best of luck, Demi.

Hahaha! Aw, bless! Kim Kardashian is making a tall claim. A really, really tall one. So tall, it’s a certifiable freak-show. Basically, she’s trying to convince us all that she’s got a soul. And with it, she’s searched it. A lot.

That’s right, the term, ‘soul-searching’ has been mentioned in the inevitable and orchestrated break-up between Kim K and thundering, hoof-footed ball tosser, Kris Humphries.

Basically, that’s a lot of soul-searching over a 72-day marriage. The kind of soul-searching that saw the willfully stupid Kim going to the vapid, finance hungry Kardashian family for advice on what to do. It’s like Wuthering Heights or something.

She said, without any trace of irony:

“I really did some soul-searching, and I needed that. I needed to just be with the family.”

Presumably, the family reminded her that she never loved Kris Humphries and in fact, the whole reason she went through with this farce wedding was to make money and that, if you believe the reports, she made up to $18 million from it.

Basically, the advice would have been: ‘Don’t worry sweetie. It was only ever about money and prestige. Therefore, it’s the most successful marriage you could’ve ever hoped for, right?‘

BUT WAIT! WHAT’S THIS?

She told ‘Live! With Kelly’ host Kelly Ripa:

“If you really think about it, if [the marriage] was a business decision, and I really made all that money that everyone was claiming that we made off this wedding, and if the wedding was fake and just for TV.

“I’m a smart business woman. I would have stayed married longer. This was a bad business decision. If you really think about it, it doesn’t make sense.”

It’s at this point, we’d speculate that the business deal fell down because the couple would need to have sex at some point, but that obviously isn’t a problem for Kim ‘Starred In A Presumably Self-Leaked Sex Tape With Brandy’s Brother Ray J’ Kardashian, is it?

She continued:

“It’s been a hard couple of months. I really didn’t think that following my heart would create this much backlash.”

Quick! Someone call a WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHmbulance!

Just when we thought that 2012 was getting off to a rocking start, what with us discovering there was one less Kardashian in the world and all, Heidi Klum and Seal have to shit on our parade by announcing they are getting a divorce.

The golden couple, who must have Hitler spinning in his grave, are filing for divorce after six years of marriage, citing ‘irreconcilable differences’.

Heidi Klum is a human contradiction – by all rights, she should be a mega bitch, but no-one seems to have passed on the memo that if you’re a towering German supermodel worth over £20million, you’re TOTALLY within your rights to act like the biggest douche in the world.

Each year she totally owns Halloween by bypassing the slut/lingerie rule, her wedding included an Elvis impersonator and she’s near-naked in the press with delightful regularity.

The only way she could be more perfect would be if she had beer-flavoured nipples.

Seal had the right idea by keeping her pregnant for practically their whole marriage. Hell, if she was our wife she’d be branded and enjoying the view from our sex dungeon.

Seal, know how everyone says there’s plenty more fish in the sea?

This would be like throwing back a mermaid, then coming home with a bag of Iceland frozen prawns. Seriously, do whatever you have to do to keep hold of her.

If you need an angry mob with pitchforks, we can help you out buddy.

Zooey Deschanel is one of those women people fancy when they haven’t seen her act in anything. Once you see her in a moving picture, you can’t help but wish her ill. That whole kooky, sub-standard Goldie Hawn thing she’s got going on? Loathesome.

She sings cutesy wutesy songs and cocks her head to one side while biting her lip, acting like she’s 10 years old despite being in her thirties. It’s creepy!

And so, it isn’t surprising at all to hear her say she got bullied so much at school, that people spat at her.

For anyone outraged, who read the last sentiment as an approval of spitting at Zooey Deschanel, you’re wrong. Although, that said, having seen New Girl, it’s not surprising that people would spit with venom, showering everything in sight as they swear at everything under the sky.

No. We’re not surprised that Zoeey has SAID she was bullied at school because that’s what kooky celebrities do. They were always bullied. There’s probably someone who went to school with her, reading this, thinking “Wait. She was really, really popular as far as I can remember!“

Deschanel told the mighty authority that is Allure magazine:

“Girls spit in my face. People were so mean to me. I’d cry every day.”

Poor Zoeey. Still, undeterred, she went on to study at Northwestern University in Illinois  and… well, get this…

“I went to Northwestern because I had gone to a really non-traditional high school. I was like, ‘It’d be cool to have a traditional college experience’. Then I was like, ‘Oh, but none of these people understand what’s cool about me. My specialness is not appreciated in this place.’”

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! GOD! OH SWEET BARE-CHESTED JESUS CHRIST ON HORSEBACK!

SHE IS SO IRRITATING!

So. Zooey Deschanel has a new show that is being shown on Channel 4 this very night at 8:30 post meridian. Of course, we’ve seen it and it won’t surprise you that we are characteristically unimpressed.

That said, looking on the bright side of any situation, like we uncharacteristically do, we’ve managed to find five things that are good about New Girl (8:30, Channel 4).

And here they are, over the jump and as follows…

Although they’ve clearly scrimped on script writers by letting Zooey Deschanel say whatever she wants, whether it’s funny or not, they’ve paid some attention to the theme tune, which although is written and performed by Deschanel (who claims that she’s in a band called She & Him, though the last time we checked were just a duo of insufferably annoying pricktwists) sums up the series in a unique way.

It’s ditsy, glossy and without any volume at all. And a bit “write the feem toon, sing the feem toon.”

Apparently there is a way to make the worst thing Patrick Swayze ever did, apart from dying, Dirty Dancing, more cloying and vaginary than normal. Which is…an achievement, we guess?

“Oh look, aren’t I quirky? I wear printed prom dresses and say sentences with weird rhythms and sing to myself and shower in a swimsuit. Look at the way I say things and look out the side of my eyes. Aren’t I so relevant and hip?” – this is what Zooey Deschanel thinks all the time.

One of the housemates that she moves in with has the biggest jaw ever seen on a human being. Bigger than Olly Murs’ and Jimmy Hill’s. Even bigger than the ones on Mount Rushmore. God bless the disgustingly faced bastard.

There’s such a thing as a Douchebag Jar. No signs of ukelele playing, or listening to cassettes yet, but there’s still time.

So there you are. Watch it, don’t watch it. Zooey Deschanel is still going to continue to be as skin tearingly irritating whether you do or don’t, and we don’t care either.

Of course maybe if you do have an half hour to spare, you could do something useful, like finally find out what actually happened to the Lindbergh Baby. Or where Ian Beale’s appeal lies. We think it’s something he puts in his fish batter. Probably his batter.

Zooey Deschanel is the Prom Queen of the Hipster Ball. She can kinda sing, kinda act and is generally kinda good-looking and kinda nice. Perfect for the hipsters as she never quite looks like she’s really trying.

However, Zooey is quite obviously a giganto-ghoul.

Why? Mainly because she doesn’t believe in the sanctity of marriage and is getting divorced from her husband – Some Guy – which will absolutely anger God so much that he’ll probably ensure any children she has in the future will all have hunchbacks.

Zooey, not quite a proper zoo, has filed for divorce in Los Angeles on December 27th (lovely Christmas present, eh?) from Ben Gibbard, citing irreconcilable differences.

So what could’ve caused this split? Maybe Deschanel didn’t like the fact her soon-to-be-ex-husband saw a series of Zooey’s new show, New Girl, and vomited with fury, demanding to know why such a terrible, terrible thing could ever be commissioned by a television station?

Or, maybe the pair didn’t get along because Zooey had a successful music career while Gibbard was in the tremendously bland Death Cab For Cutie?

Sadly, the couple don’t have any children to make this whole situation more fraught for us prying imbeciles. Worse still is that Deschanel’s publicist has said that the couple’s split was “amicable.”

That said, all this paves the way for Zooey to start actually having sex with Joseph Gordon Levitt because that’s all anyone ever wanted after seeing that stupid film they were in together.

It’s been such a difficult few weeks for poor Kim Kardashian. First her loving marriage breaks down in a record 72 days and had to deal with everyone and their petit chien saying that the marriage was a sham. Then her clothing line gets slated by lamb loving, angry at seal clubbing, children’s rights groups because they are supposed to be made in Chinese sweat shops.

And now it seems that Kimmy Kardash has been fiddling with someone else’s willy and balls while she was seeing Reggie Bush. It isn’t just any old two bit estate agent (or “realtor” as those crazy Yanks call them) though. Oh no, it’s douche-cock extraordinaire Kanye West isn’t it?

Get those smelling salts out.

Ultra-alopecia and ex-Kanye sex sufferer Amber Rose has came forward and told everyone who’d listen that while Kimothy Klux Kardashian was seeing NFL star or something, Reggie Bush, she was also seeing West, while they were dating.

“She’s a homewrecker! They were both cheating. They were both cheating on me and Reggie with each other. She was sending pictures, and I was like, “Kim, just stop. Don’t be that person”"

That’s what Rose told almost everyone before waxing lyrical about her new love, who we don’t care about.

Now, this isn’t going to make much of an impact on the reputation of the Kris Jenner Sex Worker Sect, there’s still other members of the family to be flaunted.

Maybe Jenner could get Khloe to have an affair with Prince William (alas, with Kanye in the fray and rumours of Kobe Bryant getting salivated over, she really does seems to be only choosing people who have names that begin with K) or use Kim’s arse as advertising space for Pepsi, they’ve clearly got as much self-respect as cockroaches.

And just like cockroaches, it’ll be the Kardashians who come out on top after the Apocalypse, flaunting radiation burns and cholera as the new fashion, while taking their pick of the mutated.

Who’ll probably still be much better in bed than that Kanye West.

Poor Kim Kardashian. Aside from being bafflingly influential and disgustingly wealthy, she’s had a troubling 2011. Remember people accusing her and her family of dealing with sweat shops? Remember her 40 second marriage to some hoop chucking dillweed?

Well, that’s all about to change!

Yessum, 2011 has taught Kimly Kim K that, if things are going to get better, then she has learned that she need ‘to always follow her heart.’ All she has to do now is grow one.

The Famous For No Discernible Reason Human got into the spirit of New Year as she partied with her mother, Kris Jenner, at Tao Las Vegas. Wait. That’s not right. That’s what losers do. What kind of dweeb hangs around with their own mother on the one night you’re encouraged to drink your liver deathward and tap off with people you’ve just met?

Either way, People magazine have quoted her as saying:

“I learned to always follow my heart”

How bad did things get? Well, more awful than you can ever imagine. Not only did she move in with her mother, but she also… and this is incredibly difficult to write… she didn’t wear any make-up over the Christmas period. She said:

“I didn’t wear a stitch of make-up”

Because she wears so much of the stuff, we can only assume that her real, naked head is roughly the same size and a half-melted peanut M&M, like that guy from Beetlejuice.

Either way, stood in her thigh-high Gucci dress and Loren jewels, she’s now ready to move on.

“I’m looking forward to moving forward, and never looking back”

“Who else is soooo ready to let go of 2011 and have the best 2012 ever!”

Yay! Here’s to all those other people who have had a disastrous PR year in the fallout of a sham marriage! And there’s been quite a few of those!

Y’know, once upon a time, we would’ve speculated about the gayness of the people involved in these convenient marriages wouldn’t we?

We are all getting far too lazy.

Hey! Did you hear about Russell Brand and Katy Perry spending Christmas away from each other? They haven’t been married very long have they? You’d think they’d want to spend the festives (aka Some Time Off Work) together, right?

Well, aside from the myriad of perfectly legitimate reasons why this happened, they’re quite obviously splitting up.

Why? Because that’s what everyone wants. Basically, they’ve got the temerity to appear rather fond of each other. Mercifully, there’s a source on-hand to tell us all otherwise, which is incredibly convenient.

The pair had apparently planned for Katy’s family to get whisked to London via private jet for the holidays, but alas, Perry changed her mind and decided instead, to faff around in Hawaii with her friends.

The source says:

“They had a massive fight. She was like, ‘F–k you. I’m going to do my own thing.’ Russell replied, ‘Fine, f–k you too.’”

So that’s why Katy Perry was papped in a bikini while frollicking around in the Pacific Ocean off Kauai without her wedding ring! That’s why Brand was sat in a pub in Coverack, Cornwall!

Of course, previous stories about this pair have been about pregnancy and near constant reminders of Brand’s former penchant for heroin, but alas, as relapses and baby-bumps weren’t fast enough, we’ve had to focus our attentions on looking for cracks to form in their relationship.

That source again:

“They haven’t split up just yet, but things are not good. The fighting is getting worse.”

Why?

“Katy doesn’t think Russell respects her parents’ Christian beliefs or her friends.”

WILL THEY SPLIT IN 2012?! God, we hope so! And if they could time it with a quiet news day, that would be ideal! Many thanks, The Media.

The Klan Kardashian got a lovely message for the holiday season from a human rights organisation. Where they just exchanging pleasantries? Of course not. Human rights organisation are always serious, always fretting and forever shouting about stuff.

Assuming that they weren’t offering high-fives to the Kardashians, we have to ask: What have they supposed to have done now?

Well, some group in hemp hats claim that the reality TV dimwits’ clothing lines are manufactured in horrific Chinese sweatshops where the workers are “abused and virtually imprisoned.” Still, at least Kim K is getting aroused. By brutal sweatshops or something else?

Charles Kernaghan, executive director of the Institute for Global Labour and Human Rights, says:

“The Kardashians are in bed with some pretty bad people…”

No. They aren’t talking about Kim’s sextape with Ray J.

“I would be clearly stunned if these factories were even minimally decent, because that isn’t how China operates”

The Kardashians apparently make $65 million a year from junk like this, and will be hoping that all this is just plain wrong. However, the clothing lines (which include include K-Dash by Kardashian, ShoeDazzle, and the Kris Jenner Kollection for QVC) are allegedly made in foreign sweatshops, where workers are subject to “inhumane conditions.”

Kernaghan continued:

“You can’t talk during working hours. You can’t listen to music; you can’t stand up and stretch. You can’t even put your head up and look around, or you will be screamed at. If you get permission to use the toilet, you get four minutes.”

Sounds like working for a bank in Britain in fairness. Alas, the wages in these factories are a bit lamer. The clothing manufacturer in China that made the Kardashians’ clothing line for Bebe last year paid factory workers just eight cents for each shirt they completed. According to China Labor Watch, staff often worked 12 hours a day, six days a week for the hourly wage of $1.75.

Still, that shouldn’t spoil Kim Kardashian’s quest to shag every single celebrity on Earth who has a name that starts with a ‘K’ (look out Cheggers and K-Fed) as she’s managed to erase all those suffering Chinese children from her mind by imagining fun-times with the barely filed for divorce Kobe Bryant.

There’s loads of brilliant rumours flying around that Kardashian wanted the Lakers star so bad that she got her mum, Kris Jenner, to leaked some very unpleasant details about Bryant’s sexual escapades to his wife, leading to the divorce being filed.

How great is that? Yeah. Forget about those suffering children in factories being bullwhipped by bug-eyed task-masters.

PS: The Kardashian family are totally suing over the sweatshop allegations. Lawyers, piss off.

When Sean Penn’s not being pestered by Scarlett Johansson on the rebound, he’s being all philanthropic and all that jive. Of course, having a political persuasion means you’ll rub some people up the wrong way and they shout at you.

Mercifully for Sean Penn, he’s a grade-a bitch. He has put-downs that could almost match the output of a drag queen convention.

And who found this out at their cost? Why, if it wasn’t a co-star of his who accused Penn of being a Communist. What fun!

You may or may not know or care, but Penn is a big supporter of Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez. He’s a red. And an old co-star of Sean’s, called Maria Conchita Alonso, took an opportunity to shoot her mouth off at the actor when she bumped into him at LAX.

Conchita, recounts the incident, said:

I said, ‘I would like to talk to you.’ He said, ‘Oh, it’s you. I have nothing to say to you. You speak badly about me.’ I said, ‘No, I don’t. I just say the truth. That you are a friend of Chavez and that he’s a good man. And that’s a lie. How can you do that?’

He said, ‘You are a pig!’ So I said, ‘And you are a Communist asshole!’

I was so angry and I had all this built inside me for so many years, and he calls me a pig. I just exploded. My mother was so happy, she wanted to clap.

Imagine that. Calling someone a crude name and your mother welling up with pride as she stands beside you. Something that hecklerspray is still waiting on.

Penn’s retort?

I only knew that a hostile woman was nonsensically berating me. I didn’t realize it was that actress. I think I worked with her once. But she looks really different. She was uninformed and impolite to all the other passengers.

If you’re wondering – which you’re not – Alonso and Penn starred in Colors together.

Hello! This story doesn’t make any sense! In fact, this story is so categorically stupid that it requires a key. So, here is a key.

KEY, YEAH?

*SCOTT JORDAN – Man who says he looks like Justin Timberlake and substantiates this claim with a photo of himself in a trilby, which apparently is something the REAL Justin Timberlake would do. In 2002, at a stretch, possibly, Scott.
*KITTY BRUCKNELL – Lead singer of Wham OR something a bit Councillor of the Exchequer-y, we forget. Something a bit like that.

So Kitty Brucknell (Check the key)  Yes, THE Kitty Brucknell, has reportedly broken up the marriage of a Justin Timberlake impersonator. That’s what we’re working with here. That’s entirely what has happened, yep.

It’s just exhausting really, isn’t it? We work hard all day. We come home, and Kitty Brucknell has had sex all over a Justin Timberlake impersonator. Well, we suppose we could take the coherent objective of: “HEY! Who hasn’t?” But as we well know, we would be lying to both you, us, and perhaps most importantly of all: every single person in the world who has not had sex with Scott Jordan, the Justin Timberlake Impersonator.

And nobody is quite NOT having any sex whatsoever with Scott Jordan, The Justin Timberlake Impersonator than his wife (Shit!) Mrs Justin Timberlake impersonator. (SHIT!) No sur’ee, definitely not a wink of frottage going on in that partnership, that’s for sure. Not any more at least, for that heart has been taken into the warm, ethereal, in-need-of-a-good-moisturise-if-you-ask-us hands of Kitty Brucknell, whom has been named on the divorce papers as being the sole reason for the relationships’ demise. You know, that man who you haven’t heard of at all ever.

No, not Matthew Wright from the Wright Stuff! This other one.

Dare you to thumbs-down it, just to be a dick.

Anyway – according to “Scott Jordan” (*Throws up arms in manner of Michael McIntyre demonstrating something we can relate to*) this woman is KRAZY. Like KANDY FLOSS WITH A K, kind of crazy.

‘She is a monster who does not think twice about tearing other people’s lives apart to get what she wants.

‘She thought being with me would make her famous and get her in the papers and she didn’t care about how her manipulations and lies could have destroyed my career and my marriage.

‘My wife has been subjected to Kitty’s disgusting taunts and lies over the phone.

‘She makes me feel sick.’

Come on, Woman from The X Factor who looks like the sort who person who eats their own leg hair for sport and spent time in rooms containing lockable doors with Louis Walsh? Crazy? That word gets thrown around too much these days. CHEERS FOR THAT ONE, “GNARLS BARKLEY”

Come on Scott, the second best pop star impersonator of all time, (Yeah, as if we were going to let THIS sucker slide) she’s one of those lovable mentals, like Jack The Ripper, or Amanda Holden. All she did was break up your marriage with sex and violence. We do that sometimes instead of sleeping, or eating toast. Yeah, we beat our wives. That’s how we’re choosing to sum up this one. BAD WIVES.