There’s not a lot to explain here, really. Denise Richards cannot sing. She cannot sing. Denise Richards literally cannot sing.

In fact, all there is to say here is that Denise Richards was asked to sing Take Me Out To The Ball Game during the 7th inning stretch of a Chicago Cubs game at Wrigley Field on Friday, and she obliged. But she obliged in a way that may have caused widespread irreversible bleeding deafness.

So instead we’ll show you the video after the jump, along with a list of five things that Denise Richards sounds like when she sings…

5 - When Denise Richards sings, she sounds like a rabid fox having sex with a pelican.

4 – When Denise Richards sings, she sounds like Gladys Kravitz from Bewitched falling down a rocky slope on her face.

3 – When Denise Richards sings, she sounds like the opening number from Abattoir: The Musical.

2 - When Denise Richards sings, she sounds like the noise that Denise Richards’ mother made when she first saw Wild Things all the way through.

1 – When Denise Richards sings, she sounds like a a million rape alarms going off in an echo chamber made of crying children.

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9 – American newsreaders are cool. No, not cool. What’s the word? – PopEater

8 – Denise Richards has got quite big boobs. HAHAHA, WE GET IT! – FunnyOrDie

7 – LION IN A BATHTUB! – Winsconsinhistory

6 – Gavin Rossdale used to be a pretty little girl, didn’t he? – Bestweekever

5 - 10 massive high school movie pricks – JoBlo

4 - Want to make a Power Rangers gunstick blade blaster? OK! – Instructables

3 - Secretaries: when was your favourite era? – Chicagotribune

2 – Pizzas are delicious, aren’t they? Even disgusting ones – Thispiggy

1 - Facebook users, please watch and absorb…

But you can’t fault his timing. That’s because Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke Mueller have chosen now to give birth to twin boys named Max and Bob. Why is that significant? Because it synchronises nicely with his ex-wife Denise Richards‘ stint on Dancing With The Stars.

So congratulations to Charlie Sheen, and good luck to Denise Richards, who’ll be so attention-seeking this week that her routine will climax with a spontaneous combustion that splatters guts all down Len Goodman’s suit.

If Brooke Mueller ever decides to one day make a tawdry reality series that implicitly slates Charlie Sheen as a bad husband and father in the hope that it’ll influence her custody squabble with him, then she’s absolutely going the right way about it.

True, she’s not there yet – if she wants the show to be a patch on Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, then she’s going to have to make a film where she has a topless three-way with Matt Dillon and the girl from Scream, then obtusely hint at the fact Charlie Sheen may have been linked to a dead prostitute and then throw a computer at an old lady’s head – but at least she’s made the right start.

That’s because, roughly nine months after the news that she was pregnant, Brooke Mueller has just given birth to Charlie Sheen’s twins. And in a nice prediction that they probably won’t be the cleverest children around, Brooke and Charlie have only decided to give them one-syllable names. People reports:

Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen and wife Brooke Mueller Sheen welcomed twin boys Saturday night. The children, named Max and Bob, are the first for the couple, who married in May 2008. “They’re doing great,” Sheen’s publicist Stan Rosenfield tells PEOPLE of the babies, who weren’t due for another few weeks. “And Brooke’s doing great.”

Now look, it’s obvious that this seems destined to end in tears – Charlie Sheen already has a number of children from a string of broken relationships, so historically it seems inevitable that his relationship with Brooke, and subsequent custody battle over the new twins, will go the same way.

But now isn’t the time for morbid doom-mongering. Now is the time to celebrate the arrival of two brand-new lives on the planet, and to rejoice in the happiness that Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller must be feeling at the moment.

No? Well, how’s this? Now is the time for celebrating the myriad ways that Denise Richards plans to deface covers of whichever magazine buys the exclusive Charlie Sheen baby photos with spit, ink, fire and poo.

Yes, that’s obviously much better.

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But lucky old us. The Dancing With The Stars producers have listened to our unspoken wishes and signed such a bewilderingly diverse array of celebrities for its new season that we’re honestly convinced that Len Goodman will end the final with a broken nose, several deep gashes to his face and a kitchen knife poking out the back of his skull.

How scary is the new Dancing With The Stars? Steve-O scary. Lil’ Kim scary. Jewel scary. Scary.

Look, Dancing With The Stars is mental enough already. Just thinking about Dancing With The Stars conjures up visions of tiny screeching incoherent Italian homosexuals, one-legged backflippers, frail old shuffling zombies, members of the Osmonds falling over for no reason and Steve Guttenberg – in short, the kind of visions we tend to save for our most terrifyingly anxious fever-dreams.

But whereas before Dancing With The Stars seemed like it had accidentally blundered into weirdness by accident, this year the show seems intent to dive headfirst into the abyss. Honestly, we’re not kidding. This year’s Dancing With The Stars is going to be like a more-spangly version of Dante’s Inferno.

Why? Because, dear lord, here are this year’s Dancing With The Stars contestants. May God have mercy on us all:

Denise Richards – The woman who was professionally naked until she got too old, then threw a computer at a wheelchair-bound pensioners head and made a reality TV show featuring nothing but her twitching and blinking. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 9

Belinda Carlisle – The woman who believes that heaven is a place on Earth. She’s wrong. It’s Devon. Devon is place on Earth. Idiot. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 6

Shawn Johnson – A 17-year-old professional gymnast. So, as if Shawn doesn’t get bullied enough for titting around in a leotard all day, he’s now going to learn how to samba? This one’s a loose cannon. He’s not even a boy. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8

Lawrence Taylor – A former NFL footballer. That’s right, just like OJ Simpson. And what did OJ Simpson end up doing? THAT’S RIGHT. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 9

Lil’ Kim - Ex-jailbird midget rapper whose songs include Suck My Dick and Fuck You. But, other than that, we hear she’s just lovely. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 6

Steve-O – The man who used to make a good living from stapling his testicles to his thigh in front of crowds of people, before he took all the drugs in the world, went legitimately mad and got sectioned. In short, he’s just a little bit less mad than Denise Richards. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8.5

Steve Wozniak – He co-founded Apple, which isn’t crazy at all. But Apple created the 1998hockey puck mouse, and that’s downright certifiable. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8.5

David Alan Grier – A black comedian who can apparently do a passable Leonard Nimoy impersonation. Not crazy at all. We don’t know what he’s doing here. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 1

Gilles Marini – Has been in every single American drama show exactly once. One of them was Ugly Betty. Cuckoo. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 5

Nancy O’Dell – We can’t say with any real certainty who Nancy O’Dell is, but anyone who thinks that tanning herself that much is normal clearly isn’t the full ticket. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 7

Chuck Wicks – Never trust a man whose name is a command. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 12

Ty Murray – A professional rodeo rider who – hold the phone! – married Jewel. Clearly has deep self-loathing issues. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8

Jewel – Come on, she’s Jewel for crying out loud. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 43

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Sadly, none of these groups watch Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. The group that likes her won’t watch it because they don’t like how she’s portrayed in it, the group that hates her won’t watch it because they hate her and the group that doesn’t care won’t watch it because ultimately they’re quite sensible. And that’s why Denise Richards: It’s Complicated is getting cancelled.

Personally we blame the title. Denise Richards: It’s Complicated is both vague and untrue. Denise Richards Exceeds The Most Negative Aspects Of Her Reputation While Simultaneously Doing Her Best To Prove The Opposite would have got the viewers flooding in. But, no, nobody ever listens to us.

If someone told you to go and make a TV show about Denise Richards’ life, there’s an overwhelming chance that you’d have picked one of the following options:

1) Woo Hoo! It’s The Denise Richards Bikini Trampoline Hour!

2) Laptop/Old Lady Discus Eventing With Denise Richards.

3) Denise Richards Apologises For That James Bond Film Directly Into Camera For Up To Six Hours At A Time.

What you wouldn’t make is Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, a reality TV platform for Denise Richards to endlessly bleat about how the media twists everything she says and occasionally sit down with her nephew and have awkward conversations about whether or not he’s ever cracked one off to her threesome scene from Wild Things.

Denise Richards: It’s Complicated came whirling in on a cloud of mad eyed spite-hype and promised to rip the lid of the pointlessly bitter feud that’s raging on between Denise Richards and her ex-husband Charlie Sheen, only for E! viewers to realise that even they didn’t care about Denise Richards to sit through hour after hour of utter tedium to get there.

So Denise Richards: It’s Complicated has been cancelled. Probably. Here’s OK! magazine with more:

“The numbers started out pretty good – just over 1.5 million tuned in for the premiere episode,” a source told The Insider yesterday. “But the audience has dropped off… Viewers were disgusted that a mother of two young girls would use such foul language,” the source adds.

That this news comes at the exact same time that Charlie Sheen has impregnated his new wife and got a massive payrise must be a kick in the teeth for Denise Richards. All she wanted to do was raise her children in the uncomfortable spotlight of the media and now even that unalienable right has been taken away from her.

Who knows what Denise Richards will do next (porn)? She’s a working mother with bills to pay (do porn please) and with her acting career drying up there can’t be many more avenues for her to explore (porn, do porn, for the love of all that’s holy Denise Richards do porn porn porn porn porn).

Anyway, we can survive the loss of Denise Richards: It’s Complicated so long as nobody buggers around with Living Lohan. We don’t know what we’d do if both our favourite reality TV shows about a famous woman with questionable parenting skills that we’ve never watched more than 15 seconds of were cancelled, you see.

Now sure, if it’s someone like the Baler losing ridiculous amounts of weight (or putting it back on to be Batman), or generally any kind of actor that’s willing to put their body on the line and actually change themselves physically or mentally to help their performance, then fair enough.

But when you’re Charlie Sheen? Come on. You don’t really deserve that much for your acting talent, do you? Sure, you were entertaining in ‘Hot Shots’, but does that mean you should be able to command $825,000 (about £420,000) per episode of ‘Two and a Half Men’, thus making you the highest paid TV actor in the US?

Apparently it does. Colour us confused.

It’s difficult to argue that there’s much genuine talent on show when Charlie takes to the screen on ‘Two and a Half Men’.

Yes, he is capable in his role and can get some laughs from you – though they do tend to be the kind of laughs where you want to immediately gouge your throat out for creating such a sound in the first place, then probably spay yourself – but the fact of the matter is, he isn’t really acting.

Yes folks, Charlie earns what is approaching a million dollars per episode, overall around $20 million a season, playing a man who prefers his life of womanising, lazy luxury to that of a man who actually works hard to earn what he deserves.

He’s being paid a crapload of money to pretend as if he’s actually Charlie Sheen. Which he is. Sometimes there is no justice in this world. Just behind Sheen on the earn-o-meter was William Petersen of ‘CSI’.

Like we said – no justice.

Craig Tomashoff, editor of TV Guide, in which the results of the highest-earner poll were posted, said:

“[Sheen and Petersen] are at the very top of their game and are the best at what they do. You’d expect them to be at the top of the scale.”

Which, frankly, comes across as a load of rubbish. There are far better TV actors out there who deserve far more money for what they do.

Rather than appealing to the lowest common denominator (while at the same time barely even acting), these people push themselves, see what they do as an artform and truly care enough to not make countless spinoffs, specials and other watered-down rubbish that completely devalues the original artistic vision.

Basically, hecklerspray is just annoyed that the cast and crew of The Wire weren’t just given all the money in the world as a thanks for being incredible. That would have been deserved in every way, shape and form.

Oh well, at least Charlie Sheen can spend his vast amounts of cash entertaining us all outside of his televisual work. Thanks, Charlie!

And that means, you guessed it, it’s time for another one. And this one is serious! Denise Richards has trotted off to court to request an emergency order restricting Charlie Sheen’s access to their children. According to Denise Richards, there’s a serious issue in Charlie Sheen’s home that could have an adverse effect on the children.

Since this is Charlie Sheen we’re talking about, we’ve whittled the possible causes for concern down to a) whores, b) drugs or c) DVD copies of Two And A Half Men. For the children’s sake we can only pray that it’s not the latter. They’re just children, for crying out loud.

Imagine that it’s your job to decide whether Denise Richards or Charlie Sheen is a more suitable parent. Imagine that’s what you do every day. What a shit job that must be. You’d idle hours away wishing that you’d studied something more sensible at college, wouldn’t you, like dipping your genitals into wasps’ nests or seeing how many times you could kick a sleeping crocodile in the mouth before it woke up.

But someone does have that job and, by christ, are they ever earning their money. The choice between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards is essentially a choice between a man with a history chocked full of drugs and whores, and a woman who throws computers at the elderly.

What’s more, Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen really hate each other. Denise hates Charlie so much that she made a reality TV show called Denise Richards: The Father Of My Children Is A Gigantic Dicksplat or something, and Charlie hates Denise so much he won’t even give her any of his sperm. The pair of them aren’t getting any friendlier, either.

We know this because, for the trillionth time this year, Denise Richards has requested an emergency order from a court banning Charlie Sheen from seeing his kids. Why? OK! knows why:

At an emergency hearing, the 37-year-old claimed there were serious issues at the actor’s home that need to be evaluated before the children could visit – allegations Charlie’s team is leery of.

OK, so maybe OK! doesn’t know why. Nobody knows why, in fact. And they won’t know until next week, because the proper judge is on holiday and the stand-in judge doesn’t want anything to do with it because, clearly, she is a very sensible woman.

So in the meantime at least we have a nice firework display between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards to sit back and admire. Now Charlie’s lawyers are claiming that this is all just a lot of hot air designed to detract from his recent Emmy nomination and make him less likely to win.

We’d be inclined to disagree with this because, if anything, it has raised awareness of Charlie’s Emmy nomination. It doesn’t mean he stands a better chance of winning it now because he’s been nominated for Two And A Half Men, and surely people aren’t stupid enough to let that win anything, other than a box of Anthrax.

So that’s that. Chances are next week we’ll discover what issue was so serious that it made Denise Richards try to call an emergency hearing.

And even if we don’t, it’s no big deal – she’s probably going to try and call another six or seven before the month is out.

Denise Richards couldn’t be more unwelcome in her own home if she was living in a gated community stuffed full of Charlie Sheens. It’s all those reality TV people filming her all the time. There are literally thousands of them – and all willing to stand on the neighbour’s children if it means filming from a more aesthetic angle. This is particularly bad as reality TV crews are renowned for always wearing big, heavy boots.

To put it bluntly, an angry neighbor of Richards has recently said:

“This is a gated community, not a zoo.”

Not a zoo? Explain then why there are signs posted all over Richards’ yard warning not to feed her popcorn, cotton candy or chewing gum.

Sounds like a zoo to us.

Be warned though, neighbours – don’t confront this woman. If you do you’re likely to get physically hit with an entire computer while Pamela Anderson looks on, embroiled in a nasty, nasty child-filled divorce, and possibly get called a word that rhymes with chigger by an ex-husband even though you’re neither black nor participating in a Dave Chappelle comedy skit.

The neighbours are also apparently upset by the quantity of dogs Richards keeps on site. As Star puts it:

“The former Playmate has also run afoul of the L.A. County Department of Animal Care & Control after featuring her 14 dogs on It’s Complicated. Another insider says that she received a letter warning her that if she’s living with more than three dogs, she has to obtain a kennel license.”

Sounds like your neighbours don’t mind if you’re training for the iditarod, Richards, so long as you do so within the parameters of what the local code allows.

Let’s just keep that in mind.

Not necessarily because it gave us any sort of epiphany, or because our television glows a heavenly white light every time its on, but because 7 minutes into episode-one our colon totally blew out. We think it’s because of her overall smugness.

Ends up the glowing was just a regular electricity-glow. All TVs have it.

But moving on to the next step in the Sheen/Richards divorce fiasco, it turns out that three years ago Charlie called Denise in a rage – a rage wherein he dropped the N-word for some reason. Would you like more specifics?

Yes, we thought you might.

Picture it – you’re already in a very high profile messy divorce, something doesn’t go your way, then bam! You snap and call your white ex-wife something that rhymes with chigger. The newly leaked 3 1/2 year old message comes in the form of two voicemails as seen below:

“Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Message Received at 12:46pm

I guess I should just get used to the fact that you know, you fire off your nonsense and you’re lawyer bullshit and your fucking emails and then you don’t answer the phone, and you know, you don’t have the fucking courage or the wherewithal to like confront me or deal with me or just be fucking honest. And the forthright and I guess I just gotta stop being disappointed by that because that’s just who you are and what you do. And I guess once I accept that, I won’t be frustrated by your chicken shit fucking behavior, so whatever. I’m just really fucking mad and you owe me a phone call. Okay. Cause again, if I did the same shit to you, you’d be fucking furious. Alright, so whatever.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Message Received at 1:00pm

Yea, I just got your other email and I am a little confused because you told me that was something you only told a couple of people, and this and that, and I just, again you continue to be deceitful and mischievous and sneaky, and you’re a fucking liar. Okay. You’re a fucking liar. So, you know what it’s like, fuck you. Okay, I hope you rot in fucking hell. You’re a piece of shit fucking liar and I hope you fucking rot in hell. So fuck you. I hope I never fucking talk to you again you fucking cunt. Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and a fucking nigger alright, so fuck you.”

There it is – the all powerful N-word. It ruined Michael Richards, it ruined that one bounty hunter and quite a few years ago it upset an awful lot of non-volunteer slaves. Sheen’s issued a statement though – a pretty slick one at that. It just may get him out of trouble:

“I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended; especially to Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings.”

See how he slipped that in there? A black best man that he go to use twice – nothing racist there. Now if only that crap-tacular Two & Half Men could be that slick. But it’s not. We’ve come to terms with that ages ago. It took about half an episode, but when we knew, we knew. It’s a terrible drama stuffed brim-full of characters we just can’t care about.

What’s that? It’s not a drama? You just blew our mind – and in the same article as our colon no less.

To read more, see “Charlie Sheen’s Denise apology” on Monsters & Critics

But get this – now Charlie Sheen is saying that he’s right and Denise Richards is wrong! That’s crazy – it’s like everything we know is a lie! Or it’s like Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are a couple of utter shitbaskets who can’t stop bickering in public even though it’ll obviously be detrimental to their childrens’ development.

Anyway Denise Richards has been saying that she only made her reality TV show because she hasn’t got any money, and Charlie Sheen has hit back saying that actually he gives her loads of money. Not all of it, though – he needs the rest of it for his whore fund. That’s if he has a whore fund, obviously. Legally we wouldn’t like to speculate.

A question – has this sudden flurry of televised mad-eyed bitterness from Denise Richards recently made you a) eager to watch her E! TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, b) eager to avoid her new E! TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated or c) eager to run over half your own head in a car and then stagger through a crowded area, all one-eyed and bloody with your half-head sloshing gore and membrane everywhere, pleading with screaming children to kill you because you’re in so much pain?

Funny, it was c) with us too. It’s always c). How strange.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter how you answered because Denise Richards has a reality show to promote, and if that means she has to crawl around as many TV shows as she can and pick away at the festering scab that is her divorce from Charlie Sheen in public with the least amount of dignity she can, then so be it.

So far Denise Richards has been on Larry King, the Today show and The View, and while Denise hasn’t quite managed to hit the heady heights of the time she strongly implied that Charlie Sheen was a prostitute-murdering borderline paedophile yet, she has often pointed out that the only reason she agreed to appear in her reality show was because she doesn’t have enough money to support her children.

That appears to have made Charlie Sheen angry. That’s not something you want to do, by the way, not unless you want to wind up getting called a “sad jobless pig” or a “fucking cunt. Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and fucking nigger alright so fuck you.”

Anyway, this time Charlie Sheen has decided to give a more sober response to Denise’s claims, via the medium of mathematics. The New York Post reports:

“Denise gets $52,000 a month tax-free in child support,” a Sheen insider fumed. “Most people in America can figure out how to live on that, but Denise can’t?” In addition to the child support, Richards got $60,000 a month (also tax-free) for two years in alimony – adding up to a whopping $1.44 million. Richards also gets a chunk of Sheen’s hot sitcom, “Two and a Half Men,” which “eventually will net her up to $25 million,” the source said.

Who to believe? Oh, it’s so difficult. On one hand, Charlie Sheen has got the backing of numbers and facts, but on the other hand Denise Richards looks like she hasn’t had a decent meal in years.

It’s a tricky one, that’s for certain.

Read more:

SHEEN CALLS RICHARDS UNREAL - NYP

Well that’s just great, because you’re just in time – Denise Richards has gone on TV to promote her forthcoming reality TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. And something else, too… what was it again?

Oh yes, that’s it – to angrily lay into Charlie Sheen yet again, this time to deny writing an email requesting a sperm donation from Sheen and to bitterly invoke the memory of her dead mother an uncomfortable number of times, all with a terrifying “don’t mess with me, world” glint in her eye. Don’t believe us? Lucky the video’s after the jump then, huh?

People quite often describe the Charlie Sheen/ Denise Richards divorce as bitter, but they couldn’t be further from the truth – Denise and Charlie shot past ‘bitter’ a long time ago and are currently somewhere between ‘psychotic’ and ‘Wagnerian’.

Believe all the allegations made about Charlie Sheen by Denise Richards and you’ll think that he’s a foul-mouthed prostitute murderer with a child porn fetish and less than sensitive manner when it comes to terminally ill cancer sufferers. And then there’s Denise Richards, who apparently divorced Charlie Sheen, ran off with her best friend’s husband, threw a laptop off a balcony at an old lady and then asked Charlie Sheen if he could send her some of his sperm. Frankly if all of these allegations are true, we’d like to marry both of the, Who wouldn’t?

Except that Denise Richards says she didn’t ask for any of Charlie Sheen’s sperm. True, at one point Denise must have loved Charlie’s sperm enough to make babies with it and – this is just speculation – drink quite a lot of it, plus there’s an email in circulation allegedly proving that Denise Richards asked Charlie Sheen for a sperm donation, but Denise definitely didn’t write it.

Denise Richards has just been appearing on the Today show, and what was meant to be a relaxed informal chat about her new reality TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated quickly spiralled in to all kinds of angry mad-eyed email denials. We’ve got a clip of it to show you, but first here’s People’s take on the matter:

“That e-mail is not legitimate,” Richards, 37, told interviewer Matt Lauer. “It’s a doctored e-mail. I would never send an e-mail to his … girlfriend, and, at the time of that e-mail, I was with Richie [Sambora]. If I wanted anybody’s sperm, I’d have asked for Richie’s.” She also said that at the time of the alleged e-mail she had just found out that her mother was dying, so she was not interested in getting pregnant – “especially with my ex-husband,” said Richards.

Bringing her own dead mother into a fight with her ex-husband? That’s pretty low, even for Denise Richards. It’s a good job she only pulled that trick once, as the video of her Today appearance shows…

Did we say once? We meant four distinct times. Our mistake.

Anyway, if this spermy email of Denise’s really has been doctored then of course she has every right to go on TV and defend herself. After all, as Denise Richards says, she’s kept totally silent about her divorce for three years now. Except for that time she did a big interview with Entertainment Tonight about her divorce, of course. And when she spoke at length to TMZ as well. And the interview she did with Larry King this week. And, you know, that whole long-running reality TV show that’s all about her and her divorce from Charlie Sheen. But that’s it. For now.

Read more:

Denise Richards: Charlie Faked E-Mail – People

But even Bond's quality control has been shaken and stirred by one too many dry martinis. Not that any of us at hecklerspray would kick any of these misfiring flames out of bed, of course. After all, it's all for Queen and country.

Plus one is called Goodhead.

7. Lois Chiles

Holly Goodhead in Moonraker (1979)

Let's face it, the only thing memorable about this boring former model is her name. Possibly the worst actress ever to appear in a Bond film, we're not sure even Roger Moore took to her. She looked good in a spacesuit, though.

6. Lynn-Holly Johnson
Bibi Dahl in For Your Eyes Only (1981)

One question: Why have they cast a 14-year-old annoying girl as a Bond Babe? We can't even remember if she dies in the film. We hope she did.

5. Britt Ekland

Mary Goodnight in The Man With The Golden Gun (1974)

Now, there's no doubt that Britt Ekland is a beautiful and sexy woman. But her performance as the bumbling Mary Goodnight was a real turn-off. Sure, she has the looks and certainly the bikini, but she is totally braindead and lacks spunk. She's even scared of that French dwarf, for God's sake. The final insult is when Bond kicks her out of bed for bloody Maud Adams!

4. Maud Adams
Octopussy in Octopussy (1983) and Andrea Anders in The Man With The Golden Gun (1974)

Quick question: If you are going to pick a Bond girl to appear in two films, which one would you pick? Ursula Andress? Honor Blackman? Ok, so where did Maud Adams, the bland Swedish model-actress killed halfway through The Man With The Golden Gun, appear? Last? Yep, she was pretty much last on our list too. We just don't get it. She isn't even that attractive. Was she boning Roger Moore?

3. Karin Dor
Helga Brandt in You Only Live Twice (1967)

Quick note to Bond producers and casting directors: never pick a Bond girl that even the average Joe would hesitate over bedding. Seriously, even the red-blooded males at Hecklerspray Towers would need a couple of pints in us before we even thought lying back and thinking of England. She didn't live long either. The piranhas gobbled her up faster than Bond did.

2. Denise Richards
Dr Christmas Jones in The World Is Not Enough (1999)

Casting Denise Richards as a nuclear physicist is possibly the worst decision ever. In fact, the whole point of her being in the film, apart from prancing around with just a flimsy top and hot pants, was the final pay off line. You know the one, something about 'Christmas coming twice a year' or something.

1. Tanya Roberts
Stacey Sutton in A View to A Kill (1985)
Isn't it amazing that the worst Bond girls appear in the worst Bond film. Well, A View to A Kill Is the worst Bond film, and Tanya Roberts is the worst Bond girl of the lot. The former Charlie's Angel spent most of the film screaming and whining in a really high-pitched voice. Oh, and we are supposed to believe she is a geologist. Yeah, right!

No, us neither. Not at all. In fact, sometimes entire calendar months pass when we don't even think of Denise Richards, let alone wonder what it'd be like to actually be her. We've got plenty more important things to wonder about than that.

But tough shit, because Denise Richards has formally announced that she's making a reality TV show about herself with the express intention of showing everyone what it's like to be Denise Richards. The show won't be broadcast until the summer, but we can already guess what it's like to be Denise Richards – pretty much like being any other idiot, but with better tits. 

It takes a special person to go through a lengthy, petty divorce with Charlie Sheen – a divorce that produced evidence of Charlie calling you both a 'nigger' and a 'sad jobless pig' – and still come out the other side looking like the lunatic of the marriage, but that's Denise Richards.

While divorcing Charlie Sheen, Denise Richards claimed he murdered a prostitute and claimed he was more or less a full-blown paedophile. That's heavy stuff. But, then again, Denise apparently asked Charlie for more babies after the divorce and then threw a laptop onto an old lady's head, which sort of helps balance the crazy out a little bit.

And now E! viewers are going to be able to see exactly how crazy Denise Richards is, because she's just confirmed that she's getting her own reality TV show. It's the show that Charlie Sheen tried to block, and although it's about Denise Richards, it definitely won't be a show about her divorce. No way. Denise Richards hardly even mentions the divorce any more and she's not bitter about anything, actually. E! Online reports:

The court-approved series will follow the famous mother as she transitions back into life as a single parent and attempts to distance herself from her acrimonious, headline-grabbing divorce from Sheen… "I think there's been so many negative things about me in the press, most of it not true. I've kept quiet about many, many things, and I find the public believes what they hear. And if they're only hearing one side, that's what they're going to believe. So, it's time for people to see what I'm really like."

We're just trying to work out what things Denise Richards has kept quiet about, because we were under the impression that she never shuts up about anything ever. And doesn't that line "it's time for people to see what I'm really like," strike the fear of God into you hearts? That's the sort of thing that the terminally self-unaware say when they've got a very clear idea of how they want to be seen. Leo Sayer had one before he went on Celebrity Big Brother last year, and look how that ended.

And even if it turns out that Denise Richards is a rational, normal human being who's behaves with the utmost dignity all day, she's been in the entertainment industry to know that her reality TV show will be a stitch-up that cobbles together her worst moments to make her look like a total nutter.

At least it had better be a stitch-up. Otherwise we're not watching.

Read more:

Denise Gets a Dose of E! – E! Online 

Why, watching it on TV! And that's exactly why Denise Richards has reached the genius decision to take part in a reality TV show all about her cack-brained efforts to make Charlie Sheen look as monumentally dimwitted as possible in public.

Best of all, there's nothing that Charlie Sheen can do about it.

OK, we told a bit of a lie in the headline there – Denise Richards isn't going to make the best TV show in history. That's because the best TV show in history would be a live, constantly-updated theatrical dramatisation of Denise Richards' brain acted out in real time as each thought happens. It'd be great, just like 24 but starring one mad woman in a chicken outfit trying to sing the love theme from Starship Troopers in the style of an uppity horse.

No. What's actually happening is that Denise Richards is making a reality TV show about her life instead. And her kids' lives. And Charlie Sheen isn't very happy about it. E! Online reports:

Another closed hearing pertaining to the duo's ongoing custody battle took place Tuesday, with reps for both exes declining to comment on what went down behind closed doors. Sheen arrived at the Los Angeles courthouse with his attorney, while Richards' legal camp participated by phone. But even though the public was shut out of this latest round, TMZ is reporting that, despite Sheen's objections, a court commissioner greenlighted Richards' plans for a reality show featuring her and Sheen's two daughters, 3-year-old Sam and 2-year-old Lola. 

That's fantastic – it's not like Denise Richards' film career is going anywhere, and this will give her a perfect opportunity to utilise her best assets; which are her absurd thought patterns – but we still have two big regrets here.

The first regret about the Denise Richards reality TV show is that it didn't start 14 months ago so we could have seen Denise hurl that laptop at a wheelchair-bound old lady, and the second is that Charlie Sheen's not going to be in it.

Because, as much fun as it'll be watching Denise Richards constantly muttering things like "Daddy doesn't love you, you know," and "Yes, that's a lovely drawing of a flower. It reminds me of that time your Daddy murdered a prostitute," it won't be a patch on what the show could be if Charlie Sheen co-starred as the angry, racially-confused ex-husband who constantly stood in the background screaming about what a sad jobless pig Denise Richards is and how funny it is that her mother's got cancer.

But we'll survive without it. Unless Denise Richards' reality TV show features clips of Blonde & Blonder. That's something we can do without.

Read more:

Charlie Can't Touch Denise's Reality? – E! Online