Denise Richards is a bit of a card, isn’t she? She’s been beaten, humiliated, stunned, stalked and shattered by the ongoing revelations about ex-husband Charlie “He’s Actually An Estevez” Sheen but admits that, despite their nasty break-up and custody battle – she’d marry the tiresome bell-end all over again.

It is thought that Richards has become so terrified of slipping into obscurity that she has actually considered taking on a completely fictional split-personality; just like her ex-husband.

When asked what this second identity might be, a source close to the star merely shrugged his shoulders and asked who she was. He had never heard of her. All the more reason to do get working on Denise Richards 2: Attack of Denise Richards.

The actress who was apparently in that James Bond film (the one that everyone forgets about), wed the star of ‘Hot Shots’ and ‘Coke-Fuelled Porn Parties’ in 2002, but their marriage fell apart just three years later – and the couple briefly became bitter enemies, regularly developing nefarious schemes in order to see the other fall from a great height onto ACME explosives.

Now, six years later, the pair are friends and devoted parents to their daughters and appear to have put their acrimonious history behind them in the interest of publicity the children. The pair are often seen spending time together and Richards insists she will always put Sheen on a pedestal as a father, and she still thinks he’s one of the biggest influences in her life.

Presumably because he systematically ruined it for so long.

She told Ryan Seacrest’s Kiis-FM radio show,

“He gave me the two greatest gifts (in) our daughters! I really believe that people come in to our life, and we learn different things… I honestly believe that he has been one of my greatest teachers as far as life lessons. As painful as it all was I would do it all again because I have amazing children.”

There you go then. Apparently you can be a complete dick to someone as long as you impregnate them. Excellent advice for us all.

Denise Richards’ new film “Hey! Hey! Look At Me! I’m Over Here!” directed by Michael Bay will be out next summer.

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Denise Richards is a woman created by teenage boy’s minds. That’s exactly why Charlie Sheen shacked up with her. And of course, what with Richards being the world’s greatest wit, she has a lot to say about her appearance.

Basically, she’d like to make the arrested developed among you excited by talking about her boobies and the fact she was a lesbian briefly.

Next, she’ll be talking about how much she likes playing video games and having sex with jobless layabouts with bad acne who live off 10p crisps.

A while back, Denise Richards wanted new boobs. So she packed herself off to the surgeon and guess what?! He went and gave her even bigger boobs! How astonishing!

She says:

“I was getting ready to film ‘Wild Things,’ and I didn’t want to get into a lawsuit with some plastic surgeon. It wasn’t right what the doctor did, but it is what it is.”

And so, she went and got a third boob job to sort them out. This was all a harrowing experience right? WRONG! That’s because she took her newer breasticles and wapped ‘em out in Playboy. Apart from the money and clearly being incredibly needy of attention, why would she do such a thing?

“I wanted to encourage women that it’s OK to embrace your sexuality even though you’re a mom. At the same time, I was having some problems in my marriage [to Charlie Sheen] and I didn’t feel sexy and felt I had to prove something.”

So remember kids: If you’re feeling unsexy, the best course of action is to flash everyone, okay? Good. Even if it is spurred on by being rejected by that dead-eyed bloke from Hot Shots. But no matter, because you can always have a lesbian affair with a famous woman.

“I’m going to name everyone in Hollywood! You would know who she is.”

“I just met her through friends and work and stuff… I was just curious. We were curious. We wanted to see… she was a girly-girl. She’s beautiful. She was more the aggressor.”

If you stick your head out of the window, close your eyes and listen very carefully, you’ll hear the sound of hundred of young men thudding to their knees in their sticky bedrooms.

You’re welcome.

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Remember when Charlie Sheen was fun to write about? Remember that? He had people cowering in cupboards, suitcases of cocaine and had a nervous breakdown before our very eyes. And now? He’s gone from meme to admin. How terribly dull.

Instead of standing on rooftops waving a machete around, he’s involved in a boring tour and tangled up in a load of boring court tape.

And so, to provide some brief distraction, his ex wife has gone into rehab and another ex, actress Denise Richards, has appeared from nowhere to say that she’ll look after Sheen’s children for a bit. Yes. We’re writing about babysitting.

Denise ‘gets her rack out in absolutely every film she stars in’ Richards has called Charlie Sheen on his TigerPhone (or whatever he calls it) and offered herself as a completely normal person who could take informal custody of his twins, Bob and Max.

This happened shortly after Denise saw footage of Charlie’s estranged wife, Brooke Mueller, trying to flog her possessions in a bid to get some pennies in her purse. As she’s going to rehab and currently gets obscene amounts of money from Sheen already, we can only assume she was selling her belongings so she could by some glue to sniff.

All the while, the now very, very, very dull Charlie is preparing for court in an attempt to get full custody of the children, who will be marvellously warped by the time they hit their teens, giving plebs like us the chance to laugh in the face of someone’s mental health issues all over again.

While Sheen is in court fighting for the right to bring his children up in an environment which is clearly not even healthy for a grown human, he may as well kill two birds with one stone and file papers to sue Chuck Lorre after he got Sheen fired for being an uncontrollable penis.

We can only hope they get this all sorted quickly so we don’t have to write about it anymore.

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Denise Richards, who is famous for being pouty and picking astonishingly awful boyfriends is apparently being all pouty and stepping-out with wildly inappropriate Nikki Sixx. Seeing as Richards used to go out with bug-eyed chandelier bullier Charlie Sheen who is well known for having ‘allergic reactions’ to class A drugs, you’d think she’d be wary of swapping spit with recovering addict Sixx.

Richards’ kids must love it when mummy comes home with one of her new boyfriends, all dead-eyed and puke-stained.

Apparently, Richards and Sixx have been neighbors for a long time, meaning that she actually knows what he’s like and crucially, they both have lots in common with each other. Like a fondness for slow mental erosion and self destructive behaviour.

A source assures that the couple are ‘taking things slowly’, which could be seen as an act of being sensible, however, they might be taking things slowly because that’s all they’re able to do, living their lives at a snail’s pace because their brains are so ravaged by Hollywood excesses that they both resemble a dance-off in a home for people suffering from Parkinson’s Disease.

The couple was spotted having breakfast at Marmalade Cafe in California, which in celebrity terms, is as good as having sex with one another in full view of prying, public eyes.

One witness gives a harrowing account of that morning, saying:

“Nikki was telling stories, and Denise was laughing”

Sixx alluded to a someone special on Twitter on Friday night, revealing he had

“a midnight rendezvous planned with a beautiful maiden”.

How sweet. It almost sounds like he means it, doesn’t it? Of course, after Charlie Sheen’s hilarious watch-based meltdown in New York, Richards is doing her best to keep her children away from the headlines.

After helping the foamy mouthed Sheen to hospital after the incident, she’s vowed to keep her children ignorant of their spectacularly dimwitted father and replace him with Nikki Sixx would looks like a transvestite scarecrow on his way to an Alice Cooper convention.

She said

“Thank God our girls are young enough — they’re 5 and 6 and you know, I do my best to protect them from certain things… and so today they came with mom to a few interviews, they went shopping, they went to the zoo, so they’re enjoying New York.”

Though, they’re probably not enjoying the nightmares they’re having of that funny man with a black mullet who keeps going on about being in Motley Crue all the pissing time.

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Surely by now karma owes Brooke Mueller something nice. She’s married to Charlie Sheen, for crying out loud.

But that’s not all. It’s horrifying enough to imagine being trapped in a legally-binding relationship with the crap one out of Two And A Half Men. But imagine being trapped in a legally-binding relationship with the crap one out of Two And A Half Men and watching him get arrested for apparently slapping you around. On Christmas Day. And then catching pneumonia almost immediately afterwards.

So after that it’s no wonder that Brooke Mueller needs a rest. That’s why she’s just checked herself into a special rest resort. That advertises itself as a drug and alcohol addiction treatment centre. She really must need a lot of rest.

Maybe we’re painting a bad picture of Brooke Mueller here. Just because she’s had a hideous month by anyone’s standards – first Charlie Sheen was arrested on suspicion of domestic abuse, then she took a restraining order out against him, then she caught pneumonia and reportedly almost died – there are still plus sides to her plight. Just look at Denise Richards – Charlie Sheen went through an awkward and prolonged break-up from her, too, and she’s emerged better than ever.

Well, OK, maybe not better than ever – she got to have sex with the second-ugliest member of Bon Jovi and found herself starring in a cheapo reality show and that’s about it – but, hey, who wouldn’t want to be in a cheapo reality show, right?

But all that’s a long way off for Brooke Mueller. Before any of that can happen, she needs to recuperate from the troubles of the last month. And that’s exactly what she’s doing. So where had Brooke Mueller gone to put her worries behind her? Hawaii? Fiji? Spain, maybe? Nope – like many other excitable holidaymakers before her, Brooke Mueller has decided to go to the Two Dreams Outer Banks drug and alcohol addiction treatment centre in glorious North Carolina.

But just because she’s checked herself in for a stay at a facility that, according to its website, ‘provides the highest quality of care by employing a unique and individualised blend of evidence-based practices in addiction medicine and psychiatry’, it doesn’t mean that Brooke Mueller is actually addicted to anything. She’s just… um… hey, New York Daily News, you should take over:

Mueller’s lawyer Yale Galanter denies that she is being treated for addiction. “She is in North Carolina with her mom for some R and R pursuant to doctors orders,” Galanter said. “She is still recovering from her recent infection and pneumonia.” That said, Meuller’s stepfather revealed that his stepdaughter is in treatment, and that “she is recognizing that she needs help and she can’t do it on her own.”

But still, we should take Brooke Mueller’s lawyer at his word. If he says that Brooke is in an addiction treatment centre even though she isn’t addicted to anything, then we have no choice but to believe him. After all, if you were married to Charlie Sheen, wouldn’t you occasionally want to invent some kind of spurious addiction just because it meant you could have a few weeks away from him? We know we would.

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There’s not a lot to explain here, really. Denise Richards cannot sing. She cannot sing. Denise Richards literally cannot sing.

In fact, all there is to say here is that Denise Richards was asked to sing Take Me Out To The Ball Game during the 7th inning stretch of a Chicago Cubs game at Wrigley Field on Friday, and she obliged. But she obliged in a way that may have caused widespread irreversible bleeding deafness.

So instead we’ll show you the video after the jump, along with a list of five things that Denise Richards sounds like when she sings…

5 - When Denise Richards sings, she sounds like a rabid fox having sex with a pelican.

4 – When Denise Richards sings, she sounds like Gladys Kravitz from Bewitched falling down a rocky slope on her face.

3 – When Denise Richards sings, she sounds like the opening number from Abattoir: The Musical.

2 - When Denise Richards sings, she sounds like the noise that Denise Richards’ mother made when she first saw Wild Things all the way through.

1 – When Denise Richards sings, she sounds like a a million rape alarms going off in an echo chamber made of crying children.

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10 - Teachers and human poo. Not porn, weirdly – Komonews

9 – American newsreaders are cool. No, not cool. What’s the word? – PopEater

8 – Denise Richards has got quite big boobs. HAHAHA, WE GET IT! – FunnyOrDie

7 – LION IN A BATHTUB! – Winsconsinhistory

6 – Gavin Rossdale used to be a pretty little girl, didn’t he? – Bestweekever

5 - 10 massive high school movie pricks – JoBlo

4 - Want to make a Power Rangers gunstick blade blaster? OK! – Instructables

3 - Secretaries: when was your favourite era? – Chicagotribune

2 – Pizzas are delicious, aren’t they? Even disgusting ones – Thispiggy

1 - Facebook users, please watch and absorb…

Say what you will about Charlie Sheen – that he’s a lumpen, one-note actor who lucked into success, for instance.

But you can’t fault his timing. That’s because Charlie Sheen and his wife Brooke Mueller have chosen now to give birth to twin boys named Max and Bob. Why is that significant? Because it synchronises nicely with his ex-wife Denise Richards‘ stint on Dancing With The Stars.

So congratulations to Charlie Sheen, and good luck to Denise Richards, who’ll be so attention-seeking this week that her routine will climax with a spontaneous combustion that splatters guts all down Len Goodman‘s suit.

If Brooke Mueller ever decides to one day make a tawdry reality series that implicitly slates Charlie Sheen as a bad husband and father in the hope that it’ll influence her custody squabble with him, then she’s absolutely going the right way about it.

True, she’s not there yet – if she wants the show to be a patch on Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, then she’s going to have to make a film where she has a topless three-way with Matt Dillon and the girl from Scream, then obtusely hint at the fact Charlie Sheen may have been linked to a dead prostitute and then throw a computer at an old lady’s head – but at least she’s made the right start.

That’s because, roughly nine months after the news that she was pregnant, Brooke Mueller has just given birth to Charlie Sheen’s twins. And in a nice prediction that they probably won’t be the cleverest children around, Brooke and Charlie have only decided to give them one-syllable names. People reports:

Two and a Half Men star Charlie Sheen and wife Brooke Mueller Sheen welcomed twin boys Saturday night. The children, named Max and Bob, are the first for the couple, who married in May 2008. “They’re doing great,” Sheen’s publicist Stan Rosenfield tells PEOPLE of the babies, who weren’t due for another few weeks. “And Brooke’s doing great.”

Now look, it’s obvious that this seems destined to end in tears – Charlie Sheen already has a number of children from a string of broken relationships, so historically it seems inevitable that his relationship with Brooke, and subsequent custody battle over the new twins, will go the same way.

But now isn’t the time for morbid doom-mongering. Now is the time to celebrate the arrival of two brand-new lives on the planet, and to rejoice in the happiness that Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller must be feeling at the moment.

No? Well, how’s this? Now is the time for celebrating the myriad ways that Denise Richards plans to deface covers of whichever magazine buys the exclusive Charlie Sheen baby photos with spit, ink, fire and poo.

Yes, that’s obviously much better.

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As good as Dancing With The Stars is, we’ve often felt that it hasn’t teetered on the brink of emotional breakdown enough.

But lucky old us. The Dancing With The Stars producers have listened to our unspoken wishes and signed such a bewilderingly diverse array of celebrities for its new season that we’re honestly convinced that Len Goodman will end the final with a broken nose, several deep gashes to his face and a kitchen knife poking out the back of his skull.

How scary is the new Dancing With The Stars? Steve-O scary. Lil’ Kim scary. Jewel scary. Scary.

Look, Dancing With The Stars is mental enough already. Just thinking about Dancing With The Stars conjures up visions of tiny screeching incoherent Italian homosexuals, one-legged backflippers, frail old shuffling zombies, members of the Osmonds falling over for no reason and Steve Guttenberg – in short, the kind of visions we tend to save for our most terrifyingly anxious fever-dreams.

But whereas before Dancing With The Stars seemed like it had accidentally blundered into weirdness by accident, this year the show seems intent to dive headfirst into the abyss. Honestly, we’re not kidding. This year’s Dancing With The Stars is going to be like a more-spangly version of Dante’s Inferno.

Why? Because, dear lord, here are this year’s Dancing With The Stars contestants. May God have mercy on us all:

Denise Richards – The woman who was professionally naked until she got too old, then threw a computer at a wheelchair-bound pensioners head and made a reality TV show featuring nothing but her twitching and blinking. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 9

Belinda Carlisle – The woman who believes that heaven is a place on Earth. She’s wrong. It’s Devon. Devon is place on Earth. Idiot. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 6

Shawn Johnson – A 17-year-old professional gymnast. So, as if Shawn doesn’t get bullied enough for titting around in a leotard all day, he’s now going to learn how to samba? This one’s a loose cannon. He’s not even a boy. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8

Lawrence Taylor – A former NFL footballer. That’s right, just like OJ Simpson. And what did OJ Simpson end up doing? THAT’S RIGHT. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 9

Lil’ Kim - Ex-jailbird midget rapper whose songs include Suck My Dick and Fuck You. But, other than that, we hear she’s just lovely. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 6

Steve-O – The man who used to make a good living from stapling his testicles to his thigh in front of crowds of people, before he took all the drugs in the world, went legitimately mad and got sectioned. In short, he’s just a little bit less mad than Denise Richards. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8.5

Steve Wozniak – He co-founded Apple, which isn’t crazy at all. But Apple created the 1998hockey puck mouse, and that’s downright certifiable. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8.5

David Alan Grier – A black comedian who can apparently do a passable Leonard Nimoy impersonation. Not crazy at all. We don’t know what he’s doing here. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 1

Gilles Marini – Has been in every single American drama show exactly once. One of them was Ugly Betty. Cuckoo. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 5

Nancy O’Dell – We can’t say with any real certainty who Nancy O’Dell is, but anyone who thinks that tanning herself that much is normal clearly isn’t the full ticket. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 7

Chuck Wicks – Never trust a man whose name is a command. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 12

Ty Murray – A professional rodeo rider who – hold the phone! – married Jewel. Clearly has deep self-loathing issues. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 8

Jewel – Come on, she’s Jewel for crying out loud. POTENTIAL DANCING WITH THE STARS CRAZY RANK – 43

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The world is split into three: one group hates Denise Richards, one group likes Denise Richards and the other group doesn’t care if Denise Richards lives or dies.

Sadly, none of these groups watch Denise Richards: It’s Complicated. The group that likes her won’t watch it because they don’t like how she’s portrayed in it, the group that hates her won’t watch it because they hate her and the group that doesn’t care won’t watch it because ultimately they’re quite sensible. And that’s why Denise Richards: It’s Complicated is getting cancelled.

Personally we blame the title. Denise Richards: It’s Complicated is both vague and untrue. Denise Richards Exceeds The Most Negative Aspects Of Her Reputation While Simultaneously Doing Her Best To Prove The Opposite would have got the viewers flooding in. But, no, nobody ever listens to us.

If someone told you to go and make a TV show about Denise Richards’ life, there’s an overwhelming chance that you’d have picked one of the following options:

1) Woo Hoo! It’s The Denise Richards Bikini Trampoline Hour!

2) Laptop/Old Lady Discus Eventing With Denise Richards.

3) Denise Richards Apologises For That James Bond Film Directly Into Camera For Up To Six Hours At A Time.

What you wouldn’t make is Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, a reality TV platform for Denise Richards to endlessly bleat about how the media twists everything she says and occasionally sit down with her nephew and have awkward conversations about whether or not he’s ever cracked one off to her threesome scene from Wild Things.

Denise Richards: It’s Complicated came whirling in on a cloud of mad eyed spite-hype and promised to rip the lid of the pointlessly bitter feud that’s raging on between Denise Richards and her ex-husband Charlie Sheen, only for E! viewers to realise that even they didn’t care about Denise Richards to sit through hour after hour of utter tedium to get there.

So Denise Richards: It’s Complicated has been cancelled. Probably. Here’s OK! magazine with more:

“The numbers started out pretty good – just over 1.5 million tuned in for the premiere episode,” a source told The Insider yesterday. “But the audience has dropped off… Viewers were disgusted that a mother of two young girls would use such foul language,” the source adds.

That this news comes at the exact same time that Charlie Sheen has impregnated his new wife and got a massive payrise must be a kick in the teeth for Denise Richards. All she wanted to do was raise her children in the uncomfortable spotlight of the media and now even that unalienable right has been taken away from her.

Who knows what Denise Richards will do next (porn)? She’s a working mother with bills to pay (do porn please) and with her acting career drying up there can’t be many more avenues for her to explore (porn, do porn, for the love of all that’s holy Denise Richards do porn porn porn porn porn).

Anyway, we can survive the loss of Denise Richards: It’s Complicated so long as nobody buggers around with Living Lohan. We don’t know what we’d do if both our favourite reality TV shows about a famous woman with questionable parenting skills that we’ve never watched more than 15 seconds of were cancelled, you see.

It really isn’t very nice reading stories about those acting types and how much they actually earn for what they consider ‘work’.

Now sure, if it’s someone like the Baler losing ridiculous amounts of weight (or putting it back on to be Batman), or generally any kind of actor that’s willing to put their body on the line and actually change themselves physically or mentally to help their performance, then fair enough.

But when you’re Charlie Sheen? Come on. You don’t really deserve that much for your acting talent, do you? Sure, you were entertaining in ‘Hot Shots’, but does that mean you should be able to command $825,000 (about £420,000) per episode of ‘Two and a Half Men’, thus making you the highest paid TV actor in the US?

Apparently it does. Colour us confused.

It’s difficult to argue that there’s much genuine talent on show when Charlie takes to the screen on ‘Two and a Half Men’.

Yes, he is capable in his role and can get some laughs from you – though they do tend to be the kind of laughs where you want to immediately gouge your throat out for creating such a sound in the first place, then probably spay yourself – but the fact of the matter is, he isn’t really acting.

Yes folks, Charlie earns what is approaching a million dollars per episode, overall around $20 million a season, playing a man who prefers his life of womanising, lazy luxury to that of a man who actually works hard to earn what he deserves.

He’s being paid a crapload of money to pretend as if he’s actually Charlie Sheen. Which he is. Sometimes there is no justice in this world. Just behind Sheen on the earn-o-meter was William Petersen of ‘CSI’.

Like we said – no justice.

Craig Tomashoff, editor of TV Guide, in which the results of the highest-earner poll were posted, said:

“[Sheen and Petersen] are at the very top of their game and are the best at what they do. You’d expect them to be at the top of the scale.”

Which, frankly, comes across as a load of rubbish. There are far better TV actors out there who deserve far more money for what they do.

Rather than appealing to the lowest common denominator (while at the same time barely even acting), these people push themselves, see what they do as an artform and truly care enough to not make countless spinoffs, specials and other watered-down rubbish that completely devalues the original artistic vision.

Basically, hecklerspray is just annoyed that the cast and crew of The Wire weren’t just given all the money in the world as a thanks for being incredible. That would have been deserved in every way, shape and form.

Oh well, at least Charlie Sheen can spend his vast amounts of cash entertaining us all outside of his televisual work. Thanks, Charlie!

By our calculations it’s been three seconds since Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen last had a humiliating wibble in public.

And that means, you guessed it, it’s time for another one. And this one is serious! Denise Richards has trotted off to court to request an emergency order restricting Charlie Sheen’s access to their children. According to Denise Richards, there’s a serious issue in Charlie Sheen’s home that could have an adverse effect on the children.

Since this is Charlie Sheen we’re talking about, we’ve whittled the possible causes for concern down to a) whores, b) drugs or c) DVD copies of Two And A Half Men. For the children’s sake we can only pray that it’s not the latter. They’re just children, for crying out loud.

Imagine that it’s your job to decide whether Denise Richards or Charlie Sheen is a more suitable parent. Imagine that’s what you do every day. What a shit job that must be. You’d idle hours away wishing that you’d studied something more sensible at college, wouldn’t you, like dipping your genitals into wasps’ nests or seeing how many times you could kick a sleeping crocodile in the mouth before it woke up.

But someone does have that job and, by christ, are they ever earning their money. The choice between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards is essentially a choice between a man with a history chocked full of drugs and whores, and a woman who throws computers at the elderly.

What’s more, Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen really hate each other. Denise hates Charlie so much that she made a reality TV show called Denise Richards: The Father Of My Children Is A Gigantic Dicksplat or something, and Charlie hates Denise so much he won’t even give her any of his sperm. The pair of them aren’t getting any friendlier, either.

We know this because, for the trillionth time this year, Denise Richards has requested an emergency order from a court banning Charlie Sheen from seeing his kids. Why? OK! knows why:

At an emergency hearing, the 37-year-old claimed there were serious issues at the actor’s home that need to be evaluated before the children could visit – allegations Charlie’s team is leery of.

OK, so maybe OK! doesn’t know why. Nobody knows why, in fact. And they won’t know until next week, because the proper judge is on holiday and the stand-in judge doesn’t want anything to do with it because, clearly, she is a very sensible woman.

So in the meantime at least we have a nice firework display between Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards to sit back and admire. Now Charlie’s lawyers are claiming that this is all just a lot of hot air designed to detract from his recent Emmy nomination and make him less likely to win.

We’d be inclined to disagree with this because, if anything, it has raised awareness of Charlie’s Emmy nomination. It doesn’t mean he stands a better chance of winning it now because he’s been nominated for Two And A Half Men, and surely people aren’t stupid enough to let that win anything, other than a box of Anthrax.

So that’s that. Chances are next week we’ll discover what issue was so serious that it made Denise Richards try to call an emergency hearing.

And even if we don’t, it’s no big deal – she’s probably going to try and call another six or seven before the month is out.

Several years ago hecklerspray was gifted a beautiful video camera from a nice Japanese tourist that was afraid to chase us into a hazardous construction zone.

It was a nice camera too. It had an on and off button, a lens cap attached by a string, and as of 15 minutes after we got it – cement dried and smeared down the side. That was from the construction zone.

Our first project with the new toy was to film a typical day in the life of our grandmother. She cooked eggs, sewed a blanket, bathed with a wash cloth using stagnant water from the kitchen sink, and choked a neighbour with a hammock while accusing them of newspaper-theft.

She took to that camera pretty well. Nanners was photogenic too – and she more than convinced us the media had her all wrong. Yup – she’s a real Denise Richards. Don’t tell Richards’ neighbours that, though. If they find out there’s another one their heads might explode.

They’re quite sick of her you know.

Denise Richards couldn’t be more unwelcome in her own home if she was living in a gated community stuffed full of Charlie Sheens. It’s all those reality TV people filming her all the time. There are literally thousands of them – and all willing to stand on the neighbour’s children if it means filming from a more aesthetic angle. This is particularly bad as reality TV crews are renowned for always wearing big, heavy boots.

To put it bluntly, an angry neighbor of Richards has recently said:

“This is a gated community, not a zoo.”

Not a zoo? Explain then why there are signs posted all over Richards’ yard warning not to feed her popcorn, cotton candy or chewing gum.

Sounds like a zoo to us.

Be warned though, neighbours – don’t confront this woman. If you do you’re likely to get physically hit with an entire computer while Pamela Anderson looks on, embroiled in a nasty, nasty child-filled divorce, and possibly get called a word that rhymes with chigger by an ex-husband even though you’re neither black nor participating in a Dave Chappelle comedy skit.

The neighbours are also apparently upset by the quantity of dogs Richards keeps on site. As Star puts it:

“The former Playmate has also run afoul of the L.A. County Department of Animal Care & Control after featuring her 14 dogs on It’s Complicated. Another insider says that she received a letter warning her that if she’s living with more than three dogs, she has to obtain a kennel license.”

Sounds like your neighbours don’t mind if you’re training for the iditarod, Richards, so long as you do so within the parameters of what the local code allows.

Let’s just keep that in mind.

First just let us say that watching Denise Richards’ reality show has changed our life forever.

Not necessarily because it gave us any sort of epiphany, or because our television glows a heavenly white light every time its on, but because 7 minutes into episode-one our colon totally blew out. We think it’s because of her overall smugness.

Ends up the glowing was just a regular electricity-glow. All TVs have it.

But moving on to the next step in the Sheen/Richards divorce fiasco, it turns out that three years ago Charlie called Denise in a rage – a rage wherein he dropped the N-word for some reason. Would you like more specifics?

Yes, we thought you might.

Picture it – you’re already in a very high profile messy divorce, something doesn’t go your way, then bam! You snap and call your white ex-wife something that rhymes with chigger. The newly leaked 3 1/2 year old message comes in the form of two voicemails as seen below:

“Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Message Received at 12:46pm

I guess I should just get used to the fact that you know, you fire off your nonsense and you’re lawyer bullshit and your fucking emails and then you don’t answer the phone, and you know, you don’t have the fucking courage or the wherewithal to like confront me or deal with me or just be fucking honest. And the forthright and I guess I just gotta stop being disappointed by that because that’s just who you are and what you do. And I guess once I accept that, I won’t be frustrated by your chicken shit fucking behavior, so whatever. I’m just really fucking mad and you owe me a phone call. Okay. Cause again, if I did the same shit to you, you’d be fucking furious. Alright, so whatever.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005
Message Received at 1:00pm

Yea, I just got your other email and I am a little confused because you told me that was something you only told a couple of people, and this and that, and I just, again you continue to be deceitful and mischievous and sneaky, and you’re a fucking liar. Okay. You’re a fucking liar. So, you know what it’s like, fuck you. Okay, I hope you rot in fucking hell. You’re a piece of shit fucking liar and I hope you fucking rot in hell. So fuck you. I hope I never fucking talk to you again you fucking cunt. Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and a fucking nigger alright, so fuck you.”

There it is – the all powerful N-word. It ruined Michael Richards, it ruined that one bounty hunter and quite a few years ago it upset an awful lot of non-volunteer slaves. Sheen’s issued a statement though – a pretty slick one at that. It just may get him out of trouble:

“I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended; especially to Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings.”

See how he slipped that in there? A black best man that he go to use twice – nothing racist there. Now if only that crap-tacular Two & Half Men could be that slick. But it’s not. We’ve come to terms with that ages ago. It took about half an episode, but when we knew, we knew. It’s a terrible drama stuffed brim-full of characters we just can’t care about.

What’s that? It’s not a drama? You just blew our mind – and in the same article as our colon no less.

To read more, see “Charlie Sheen’s Denise apology” on Monsters & Critics

If you’ve seen Denise Richards on TV defending her decision to whore out her kids on a reality show, you’ll know that she is right and Charlie Sheen is wrong.

But get this – now Charlie Sheen is saying that he’s right and Denise Richards is wrong! That’s crazy – it’s like everything we know is a lie! Or it’s like Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards are a couple of utter shitbaskets who can’t stop bickering in public even though it’ll obviously be detrimental to their childrens’ development.

Anyway Denise Richards has been saying that she only made her reality TV show because she hasn’t got any money, and Charlie Sheen has hit back saying that actually he gives her loads of money. Not all of it, though – he needs the rest of it for his whore fund. That’s if he has a whore fund, obviously. Legally we wouldn’t like to speculate.

A question – has this sudden flurry of televised mad-eyed bitterness from Denise Richards recently made you a) eager to watch her E! TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated, b) eager to avoid her new E! TV show Denise Richards: It’s Complicated or c) eager to run over half your own head in a car and then stagger through a crowded area, all one-eyed and bloody with your half-head sloshing gore and membrane everywhere, pleading with screaming children to kill you because you’re in so much pain?

Funny, it was c) with us too. It’s always c). How strange.

Anyway, it doesn’t matter how you answered because Denise Richards has a reality show to promote, and if that means she has to crawl around as many TV shows as she can and pick away at the festering scab that is her divorce from Charlie Sheen in public with the least amount of dignity she can, then so be it.

So far Denise Richards has been on Larry King, the Today show and The View, and while Denise hasn’t quite managed to hit the heady heights of the time she strongly implied that Charlie Sheen was a prostitute-murdering borderline paedophile yet, she has often pointed out that the only reason she agreed to appear in her reality show was because she doesn’t have enough money to support her children.

That appears to have made Charlie Sheen angry. That’s not something you want to do, by the way, not unless you want to wind up getting called a “sad jobless pig” or a “fucking cunt. Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and fucking nigger alright so fuck you.”

Anyway, this time Charlie Sheen has decided to give a more sober response to Denise’s claims, via the medium of mathematics. The New York Post reports:

“Denise gets $52,000 a month tax-free in child support,” a Sheen insider fumed. “Most people in America can figure out how to live on that, but Denise can’t?” In addition to the child support, Richards got $60,000 a month (also tax-free) for two years in alimony – adding up to a whopping $1.44 million. Richards also gets a chunk of Sheen’s hot sitcom, “Two and a Half Men,” which “eventually will net her up to $25 million,” the source said.

Who to believe? Oh, it’s so difficult. On one hand, Charlie Sheen has got the backing of numbers and facts, but on the other hand Denise Richards looks like she hasn’t had a decent meal in years.

It’s a tricky one, that’s for certain.

Read more:

SHEEN CALLS RICHARDS UNREAL - NYP