Imagine being Gwyneth Paltrow. Awful isn’t it? All that self-serving hippie-dippy nonsense floating around your head telling you how wonderfully wonderful you are. All the while, Chris Martin gazes at you lovingly like a kindly priest longing after a crumpet.

BLECCH.

Never mind that though because we’re interested in pain! Paltrow’s pain specifically! So join us now in a game of WHO CHEATED ON GWYNETH PALTROW AND CAN YOU BLAME THEM?

During a recent interview (who honestly cares who with), Gwyneth decided to open up about her love life, and dropped a tidbit for everyone to get vaguely excited about.

She said:

“I had a boyfriend who used to cheat on me all the time.”

OOOOH! Cheating! We love cheating! Have you seen Cheaters? Have you seen the one where presenter Joey Greco gets stabbed? It’s brilliant.

Anyway, Gwyn continued:

“I was quite naive. I knew on a cellular level, but I bought his story.”

A cellular level. Got it. She wasn’t finished though. She continued, talking about cheating in general:

“I have friends who I love and admire who have had an affair. When I was younger, I would have said he’s a terrible person or she’s a terrible person. But who made these laws?”

Yeah, whatever. We don’t care about your views on cheating! We want to know who kept having it off with other people behind your back!

Of course, it can’t be Chris Martin because he’s not an ex (he’s a current, unless we’ve missed a gigantic story/opportunity to really mock someone’s pain). And so, we look to people she’s stepped out with.

Hello Ben Affleck, Luke Wilson and Brad Pitt. We’re looking dead-on at you and deciding which one we trust the least. Or indeed, deciding which one of you we assume couldn’t bear to listen to Gwyneth Paltrow’s meek sex-noises and such.

A good marriage is like a delicate recipe – if you pour in too much salt you’re gonna eff up all your pastries. And you know what happens then?

The only person who’ll eat ‘em is that one crazy uncle that lost most of his tongue to a series of mouth cancers. If your experience is anything like ours, that’s one uncle you don’t want to invite over too much. He tries to float the conversation when really there’s only one thing we want to talk about – the portion of jagged lip that sticks out from under his moustache.

Back to marriage though – good ones, even in Hollywood, take work. And that work occasionally involves bopping other men while you’re husband is wasting away deep inside a prison. Say, that sounds just like Amy Winehouse‘s marriage – at least according to the man who’s moving to divorce her.

If Amy Winehouse’s future song titles continue to be as ironic as her Rehab tune, then its a safe bet her next album will contain titles like Hey, I think I just smelled myself, I’m thinking about firing the literal squirrels that generally style my hair, and Blake & I are still over the moon.

If her songs take a more realistic turn then we’ll just hear her sing all about how Blake Fielder-Civil is moving forward with a divorce filing. Because he is, apparently. And just as well too – once his marriage is broken and shattered he’d be free to love his six-foot tall white-collar crime cell mate in a much more guilt free manner. Even in jail cheating is seriously frowned upon, you know.

Well that’s what we heard – but the Blake/Amy divorce actually has nothing to do with Blake cuddling the man that bought him for two pieces of bacon and a lit cigarette. How could it? That never happened! No – the divorce Blake is currently craving has much more to do with his wife bumpin’ uglies with a series of surprisingly lice-less men. Or maybe just one man. We haven’t ever counted.

But as the Associated Press puts it:

“A lawyer for Amy Winehouse’s jailed husband said Monday his client will be seeking a divorce on the grounds of the soul diva’s alleged infidelity. Attorney Henri Brandman said he had been instructed by Blake Fielder-Civil “to commence divorce proceedings on the grounds of Amy’s adultery.”"

Now don’t you fret if you feel personally invested in the Fielder-Civil/Winehouse marriage – just because Blake told his lawyer to get things started doesn’t mean the divorce will ever actually be properly pushed forward. After all – Blake is currently in jail.

Just you think about that for a minute.

If you’re still crying about the whole thing, might we suggest you go back to a happier time. Try this last Christmas, for instance, when you came downstairs and found Winehouse’s boobies in your stocking or something.

Yes, yes we seem to remember reading that headline.

Perhaps it was worded differently.

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You may not have known who she was until yesterday, but Camilla Belle is basically a giganto-browed Angelina Jolie lite.

This is because the Joe Jonas/ Taylor Swift/ Camilla Belle triangle of pointlessness echoes the Jolie/ Pitt/ Aniston saga fairly closely. Admittedly this theory doesn’t hold up to scrutiny that well, because if Camilla Belle is Angelina Jolie then that makes her new boyfriend Joe Jonas Brad Pitt, and we all know that Joe Jonas looks too much like an anime lesbian for that to work.

However, Taylor Swift is definitely Jennifer Aniston in all of this, because she’s been gripped by a compulsion to publicly discuss her split from Joe Jonas as much as humanly possible. You see, Taylor Swift says that Camilla Belle stole Joe Jonas from her, and that he’d been cheating on her for months. Is it true? If we find one person who even slightly cares we swear we’ll tear off both our kneecaps.

Yesterday’s news that Joe Jonas has found love with Camilla Belle from 10,000 BC sounded sweet enough at first. After all, Joe and Camilla are both young, both pretty, both morally strict and both in possession of vast, light-absorbing eyebrows that make them look like they’ve been partially tarred and feathered by an angry mob of medieval beauty therapists.

Yes, Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle are perfect for each other. Well, we assume they are, anyway. We’re not actually going to pretend we’ve heard of either of them. But, as perfect as Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle seem together, there’s a dark force hiding in the shadows threatening to rise up and destroy them. Worse still, it’s a force that sings country music. It’s Taylor Swift.

There was a time when Taylor Swift and Joe Jonas were happy together. Happy, but completely secret in case the fact that Joe Jonas had a girlfriend ruined his pure virginal public image. But then tragedy struck – Joe Jonas dumped Taylor Swift in a 25-second telephone call, and Taylor Swift got mad. She spoke of the split in interviews, she made a little puppet show about the split on MySpace, she even wrote sad country songs about the split and she even felt the need to comment about a possible pregnancy after the split. And now we know why she’s so angry.

Taylor Swift has claimed that Joe Jonas was cheating on her with Camilla Belle for ages before they were publicly linked. And you know what that means – more rabid screeching about the Jonas Brothers. OK! reports:

“They’ve been together for months,” Taylor tells OK!. “That’s why we broke up.” Swift says her best advice for getting over a heartbreak is to “write songs about it.” When OK! asked if she and Joe are still friends, Taylor curtly replied, “We don’t talk.”

You don’t have to be a mathematician to see where Taylor Swift is coming from here – if Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle have been together for months, and Joe Jonas only split up with Taylor Swift a month ago, then the only obvious conclusion is nobody cares nobody cares oh christ nobody cares.

Despite this, though, these endless romantic tweeny machinations can only have a positive ending for all involved. Taylor Swift will end up writing 400 albums about the time a girly-looking teenage boy broke her heart, and Joe Jonas and Camilla Belle can spend the rest of their lives gazing adoringly into each other’s eyebrows. It’s perfect.

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We’re confused – apparently David Duchovny isn’t addicted to sex, he’s addicted to abusing his man-baton in front of some flickering internet totty.

We’re confused because, as far as we can tell, that doesn’t make David Duchovny a sex addict at all. That just makes him a bloke. Hey David, are you in rehab for being a bloke? Are you going to come out of rehab with pigtails and a mangina? Are you? Huh? Huh, David? Huh?

Apparently not, because what we’re starting to hear now is that David Duchovny’s sex addiction isn’t just an addiction to beating himself silly in front of his computer, but an addiction to actually having sex with ladies. Real ladies who exist and aren’t even his wife. Allegedly. So we take it all back – David Duchovny really is as much of a pretend-victim bellend as we originally thought. Sorry David!

As we’re sure you’re all aware, David Duchovny is a sex addict. Announcing his sex addiction was an incredibly brave thing for David Duchovny to do for all kinds of reasons. It put his commercial activities in peril for one, and it meant that he’d inevitably lose a slice of his already-thinning fanbase. But most of all, it was brave for David Duchovny to admit his sex addiction because, as everyone knows, the entire concept of sex addiction is one big fat smelly lie.

Nobody goes into rehab because they’re a sex addict. They go into rehab because their wife caught them with their winky up another woman and – because their brains don’t work fast enough for them to claim that the woman was injured and bleeding to death out of her chuff and the only way to stop the bleeding was to plug the wound with their erect penis – they say that they’re sex addicts and victims and boo hoo don’t leave me it’s a medically-recognised condition.

However, earlier this week it was claimed that David Duchovny hadn’t been bonking his way through a line of fame-hungry sluts with cripplingly low self-esteem at all. In fact, we were told, the only thing that David Duchovny was addicted to was wanking himself into a tizzy every time he got near a computer.

But now it looks like that might have been a lie as well, to cover up for the fact that – if you stand still for long enough – David Duchovny will inevitably sidle over and try to put his cock inside you.

The National Enquirer has made allegations that David Duchovny’s multiple infidelities were the cause of his admission into sex rehab, and MSNBC has the lowdown on it:

According to one Enquirer source, David cheated on wife Téa Leoni many times over the course of their marriage, and only admitted to the affairs after she grew suspicious and confronted him. “(David) said Téa gave him an ultimatum: Get treatment or our marriage is over,” an insider revealed. “She felt it was ruining their marriage and affecting their kids.”

Whether or not this report is true is anyone’s guess. But if it is true, then Tea Leoni has a point – a sex addiction would tend to ruin a marriage. Especially when it means going to meet your in-laws covered from head to toe in a thin coating of your own sperm.

Anyway, we hope for the sake of David Duchovny’s marriage that his sex addiction treatment is a success. But then we’re sure that spending 35 days trapped in a building with an assortment of patients who all suffer from the same intense compulsion to hump every single person they see is absolutely the right way to put an end to his condition.

Some places in the world are stymied by plagues of infertility. Take Uganda for instance, people there haven’t had decent sperm for decades.

So it is the rest of us find ourselves burdened with the unwelcome responsibility of literally flooding that country with entire tankers full of viable spooj. It’s a difficult task, and sometimes their Customs inspectors act like they really don’t even need out reproductive juices. In the end their desire to not die out as a people always wins out, and they stamp the paperwork in the right places and wave our caravans on through.

You’re welcome, Uganda.

Casey Aldridge knows what it is to be cursed with incredible fertility. After all – his knocking up of Jamie Lynn Spears is enough to prove that. If current rumors are to be believed, he’s so fertile that he was even risking another woman’s pregnancy while his precious schnooky-pie Spears was a plump 6 months pregnant.

Like we said, if rumors are to be believed.

Kelli Dawson is a 28 year old woman who wants nothing more than to attend a good prom and pretend like the night will never end. We’ve seen pictures of her, and think she’d look really nice wearing something with poofy green sleeves. Just an idea Kelli, you can wear what you like on your special night.

We actually don’t know if attending more proms is something she really looks forward to, but what we do know is it seems to have been a real possibility in the recent past – she claims to have been ‘hot & heavy’ with young Casey Aldridge while his man-milk magically multiplied into a baby deep inside Jamie Lynn Spears’ pink fortress.

As Monsters & Critics words things:

“Kelli Dawson, a 28 year-old who is the alleged “other woman” is talking about her relationship with Jamie Lynn’s man in the tabloids. Dawson says she met 19 year-old Casey back in November 2006 at the home of her sister. Casey was already dating Jamie Lynn, but according to Dawson that did not matter, they had sexual chemistry.”

You can’t deny love like that, can you? It’s like Antony and Cleopatra, its like that one prince and the Little Mermaid, its like Bruce Boxleitner and Ra, all powerful Egyptian god of the sun. It’s a love for the ages, destined to inspire poets & painters alike. And what specifically will inspire? Stories like this one – a quote from Dawson’s own mouth, according to In Touch Weekly:

“One morning, he called and asked me to meet him in town. I said, ‘You’re supposed to be on a flight right now,’ and he said, ‘I’m not going.’ He called Jamie Lynn and told her that she would have to go by herself. She was irate. I think she knew he was staying because of me.”

Quick! Somebody fetch us a quill, some Indian ink, and a piece of parchment with a delicately frayed border! We’ve got some rhymes a-formin’!

It hasn't been a good weekend for Cheryl Cole – it started on Friday with news that her husband Ashley Cole had dicked a woman and ended yesterday with news that Ashley Cole had dicked another woman.

In fact, the way things are going, there's a chance that Ashley Cole has probably had sex with you, too, in your sleep or when he walked past you when you were climbing up a ladder. But none of it matters, because Cheryl Cole has vowed to stand by her apparently marauding husband.

Funny, we always thought that Sarah Harding was the stupid one from Girls Aloud.

When you marry a top-flight footballer, the instant luxury comes at a price – sure, you get to paint yourself bright orange and waddle around with a handbag expensive enough to support a normal family for two or three years, but it's almost guaranteed that at some point your husband will start banging other women and everyone will think you're a moron.

Look at when David Beckham reportedly had that affair with Rebecca Loos, or when Wayne Rooney was caught with that scabby old prostitute – both Victoria Beckham and Coleen McLoughlin decided to jam their fingers in their ears and trade whatever scraps of self-respect they had left for a collection of Ferragamo belts. And now it looks like Cheryl Cole's going to join that club too.

On Friday it was claimed that Cheryl Cole's footballer husband Ashley Cole had drunkenly had sex with 22-year-old Aimee Walton, breaking off the encounter now again to vomit on the carpet. And this was followed up by other reports that Ashley might have also cheated on Cheryl with a model called Brooke Healy and another girl. So, in the face of these allegations, it's only natural for Cheryl Cole to want to kick Ashley to the kerb as fast as she can, right?

Don't be daft – she wants to stick with Ashley. Cheryl told the News Of The World:

"I've been through an emotional rollercoaster, but I'm determined to be strong. Ashley's a wonderful husband and we ARE in love. I won't let this woman destroy our marriage… Obviously, I felt sick to the stomach. What woman and wife wouldn't? And to be honest I felt humiliated and crushed that this girl was saying these things and people were believing it. I don't want anybody to be angry with Ashley or to judge him—that's my job as his wife."

Yes, this is the same fiery Cheryl Cole who had an angry fight with Lily Allen over who had the biggest penis last year. The same Cheryl Cole who allegedly tried to beat up a nightclub toilet attendant because she looked at her funny. The same Cheryl Cole who you'd be honestly too scared to mess with for fear of having to pick your broken teeth off the floor with a dislocated arm afterwards.

And now she's meekly accepting reports that her husband might be a serial shagger just so she can she can continue being half of the Kwiksave Posh & Becks, even though just about everyone on the face of the planet is urging her to dump him as quickly as possible. Honestly, Cheryl can't have been this embarrassed since she was handed the lyric sheet for Something Kinda Ooooh.

Still, that 10/1 we were offering on a Cheryl Cole/ Ashley Cole divorce is starting to look like the bargain of the century, don't you think?

Read more:

Cheryl Cole Says She'll Stand By Ashley – News Of The World 

Eva Longoria and her husband Tony Parker and still together and stronger than ever, despite claims that he's been up to his nutsack in a French model called Alexandra Paressant.

It has been reported that Tony Parker was sleeping with Paressant behind Eva Longoria's back for two months after meeting her at his own wedding. X17, which broke the story, also claims to have a number of text messages that Tony Parker sent Alexandra Paressant – and in in French too, the dirty bugger. However, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have issued a statement saying that the story is completely untrue, and that Eva Longoria would leave Tony Parker instantly if she ever discovered he'd been cheating on her.

Or she'd stick with him for the rest of his life – whichever one would be more likely to send him into a painful wibbling meltdown. Probably the second one.

If you were married to Eva Longoria, you'd be a fool to cheat on her. After all, it isn't a mistake that Eva Longoria was deemed sexy enough to flash her cameltoe to the universe last year. So, maybe you'd look back on your single days with a certain degree of fondness, or perhaps try to knock her head off with the back of a shovel just to stop the incessant self-absorbed yip yip yip that pours out of it ten to the dozen 24 hours a day, but actually cheat on Eva Longoria? No.

However, a French model is claiming that that's exactly what Eva Longoria's husband Tony Parker has been doing. Alexandra Paressant, who was introduced to Tony Parker by Thierry Henry at his wedding to Eva Longoria, claims that she had a two-month sexual relationship with Parker that ended when she discovered that he was cheating on her with a third woman. Not only that, but Alexandra Paressant also claims that Tony Parker blabbed all about Eva Longoria's sexual foibles too. According to Paressant:

"He said that Eva, sexually speaking, does not want to do certain things. She does not want to make love in front of a mirror, does not like [a] certain position and thinks that sperm gives acne."

Sperm gives acne? Really? But we thought sperm cured acne! To think, we chugged that thee-litre bottle of it for nothing a decade ago. Still, at least Eva Longoria didn't disprove the old 'wiping fresh animal turds into your eyes cures short-sightedness' story, or we'd be in real trouble.

But anyway, apparently there are text messages that back up Alexandra Paressant's story, but forging text messages is so easy that even a monkey could do it these days.

And, for what it's worth, Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are denying the story completely. According to People:

"I love my wife," Parker said in a statement to PEOPLE. "She's the best thing in my life, and I have never been happier." Longoria, who took Parker's name this year after their July nuptials, added, "Tony has been nothing short of the perfect husband." 

OK, maybe not a denial as such, but you get the idea. Not that Eva Longoria and Tony Parker have a spotless relationship, of course. Before they were married Eva and Tony briefly split up following claims that she'd been cheating on him with AC Slater from Saved By The Bell, only to get back together a couple of days later.

So what's the truth here? It's not unknown for famous wives of sports stars to stick with their husbands after they've cheated, but at the same time nobody really seems to know who this Alexandra Paressant – and since she's pretty and French there's every chance she's made it all up to get a little bit more famous.

All we can hope, then, is that Eva Longoria looks inside herself and does the right thing. The right thing, of course, being to shut up for once just to give our ears a bit of rest for one blissful second.

Read more:

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker Smack Down Rumors of Affair – People