Gwyneth Paltrow Is So Dull She Gets Excited By English Pharmacies

Gwyneth Paltrow has a tedious life. She’s married to Chris Martin from Coldplay for a kick-off. As such, she’s taken to standing in pharmacies in England and getting so excited that she could potentially soil herself.

No, we’re not twisting her words. She actually gets excited by chemists.

So is she getting in a tizz over those lollipops you can buy that act like slide whistles? Or does she like standing on those big old-fashioned scales by the front door? Not a chance. Remember, we’re dealing with a bore here.

Gwyn said in some tawdry newsletter:

“One of the many exciting things about living in England for a good part of the year is the perpetual discovery. I am constantly delighting in what might be very ordinary for people who are native to this land”

“An example would be the regular old English pharmacy, which is stocked with a variety of amazing affordable products, many of which are not available outside of the UK.”

LIKE WOW!

“Vaseline’s lip balms are available all over the place, but in England they come in these small metal containers, either plain or infused with aloe, rose and almond oil, or cocoa butter. They’re the perfect size to drop in a purse or a tote bag”

STOP! WE CAN’T HANDLE IT ALL! Wait? You’re not finished talking?

“In the early 20th century, Dr. Edward Bach developed a healing system derived from plants that allegedly alleviates negative emotions, which according to him are the source of many illnesses. You can easily find Bach’s Rescue Remedy for Stress and other plant extracts for different emotional imbalances today.

YOU’RE BLOWING OUR MINDS!

“There’s mustard for sudden depression, chicory for being less critical, mimulus for fears. I always have Rescue Remedy with me in my purse in case one of my kids falls or is just having a tough day.”

AAAARGH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

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Comments

  1. Grumpy Old Ratbag says

    The biggest joke of all is that the ‘regular old English pharmacy’ is BOOTS!!! What a wazzock. I subscribe to her ‘goop’ newsletter as it gives me such huge laughs and all at her expense. Just when I think she can’t get worse she comes out with something like this. Brilliant.

    Keep up the good work!

  2. says

    I predicted at the end of my blog post exactly what the comment above mine says. We all read GOOP for laughs! She never fails to deliver.

  3. gilbert wham says

    I have once been excited by an English Pharmacy. Well, truth be told, by a bunch of very sketchy-looking dudes in a rusty Cortina who’d levered the DDA cabinet off the wall of one with a bottle-jack, who sold us some excitingly cheap morpjine…

  4. Paul says

    Shes dull to you because youre interested in banal vapid things. For me her observations are interesting feedback loops into the differences between our countries.. but you wouldnt understand that because your not a thinker. THATS THE ISSUE. Clever people find her interesting. Id hate to engage with some air head fickle chit chat rubbish.. if I could ever want that Id buy the Sun Newspaper