We’re confused – apparently David Duchovny isn’t addicted to sex, he’s addicted to abusing his man-baton in front of some flickering internet totty.
We’re confused because, as far as we can tell, that doesn’t make David Duchovny a sex addict at all. That just makes him a bloke. Hey David, are you in rehab for being a bloke? Are you going to come out of rehab with pigtails and a mangina? Are you? Huh? Huh, David? Huh?
Apparently not, because what we’re starting to hear now is that David Duchovny’s sex addiction isn’t just an addiction to beating himself silly in front of his computer, but an addiction to actually having sex with ladies. Real ladies who exist and aren’t even his wife. Allegedly. So we take it all back – David Duchovny really is as much of a pretend-victim bellend as we originally thought. Sorry David!
As we’re sure you’re all aware, David Duchovny is a sex addict. Announcing his sex addiction was an incredibly brave thing for David Duchovny to do for all kinds of reasons. It put his commercial activities in peril for one, and it meant that he’d inevitably lose a slice of his already-thinning fanbase. But most of all, it was brave for David Duchovny to admit his sex addiction because, as everyone knows, the entire concept of sex addiction is one big fat smelly lie.
Nobody goes into rehab because they’re a sex addict. They go into rehab because their wife caught them with their winky up another woman and – because their brains don’t work fast enough for them to claim that the woman was injured and bleeding to death out of her chuff and the only way to stop the bleeding was to plug the wound with their erect penis – they say that they’re sex addicts and victims and boo hoo don’t leave me it’s a medically-recognised condition.
However, earlier this week it was claimed that David Duchovny hadn’t been bonking his way through a line of fame-hungry sluts with cripplingly low self-esteem at all. In fact, we were told, the only thing that David Duchovny was addicted to was wanking himself into a tizzy every time he got near a computer.
But now it looks like that might have been a lie as well, to cover up for the fact that – if you stand still for long enough – David Duchovny will inevitably sidle over and try to put his cock inside you.
The National Enquirer has made allegations that David Duchovny’s multiple infidelities were the cause of his admission into sex rehab, and MSNBC has the lowdown on it:
According to one Enquirer source, David cheated on wife Téa Leoni many times over the course of their marriage, and only admitted to the affairs after she grew suspicious and confronted him. “(David) said Téa gave him an ultimatum: Get treatment or our marriage is over,” an insider revealed. “She felt it was ruining their marriage and affecting their kids.”
Whether or not this report is true is anyone’s guess. But if it is true, then Tea Leoni has a point – a sex addiction would tend to ruin a marriage. Especially when it means going to meet your in-laws covered from head to toe in a thin coating of your own sperm.
Anyway, we hope for the sake of David Duchovny’s marriage that his sex addiction treatment is a success. But then we’re sure that spending 35 days trapped in a building with an assortment of patients who all suffer from the same intense compulsion to hump every single person they see is absolutely the right way to put an end to his condition.
Victoria says
Its revenge. She demanded his public humiliation and sex addiction is a joke and this time he must have flaunted his affair with a tennis coach and embarrassed his wife. Or, its great publicity for his Showtime series. So she can’t do the publicity for Ghost Town and she needs to since how much work does she get?
debbie lee says
Tea Leoni is a no-talent skank who’s been riding DD’s coattails for years. Who the hell had ever heard of her before she married him? She has a flat face with beady eyes and her body looks like a bony wiry man’s body with a set of fake breasts. If I were him I’d say good riddance to bad rubbish. I feel sorry for the two children he had with her, with their silly names (which I heard she thought up and gave him no choice). I read that she bitched and bitched till he agreed to marry her. He obviously isn’t meant to be married.
Nia says
I’d sure as hell heard of Tea before she married David – have you even seen Bad Boys or A League of Their Own? Best of luck to the both of them, but this article is hilarious.
Gourmet Swinger says
Well, this makes me wonder if Gillian had some action with David; she kind of looks like Téa and she must have sensed how hot and bothered he was.
I thought that stunt in the massage parlor years ago during the X-files TV series was just for publicity. I guess David is working on his own XXX-Files.
If he would just learn to swing properly and get his wife into that groove, he wouldn’t be in this mess. Or maybe Téa needs to give it to him 7/365.
The Dread Pirate Sausage! says
LOL XXX-Files!
*sniff**sniff* Did someone *sniff* just- *cough* ew! Did someone just quote the NATIONAL ENQUIRER?!
Next time say, “Excuse me!” And ffs open a window.
Sarah says
Nah, he probably just got bored with ol’ Tea. You know the saying, “behind every hot chick there’s a guy who’s tired of fucking her.” Not that I’m saying she’s hot, just that new is interesting, and your spouse isn’t exactly fresh meat.
gir says
“I’d sure as hell heard of Tea before she married David – have you even seen […] A League of Their Own?”
Yeah, she was fuckin awesome as “Racine 1st Base”