David Duchovny might have pooed away his movie career making that lousy X Files movie, but you know what? At least he’s got his dignity.

Yes, say what you like about David Duchovny, but you can’t fault the flawlessly dignified way that he overcomes life’s obstacles. As an example, the statement that David Duchovny released yesterday claiming that he’s a long-term sex addict and that he’s seeking treatment in rehab for it was as noble and elegant and, yes, dignified as you could ever ask for.

Also – David Duchovny’s a sex addict? Hahahahahahaha hahahahaha hahahaha haha ahaha hahahaha ahaha haaaa! What a tit.

Addiction isn’t a funny thing. Countless lives over the years have been ravaged by a biological and cerebral enslavement to drugs, gambling, smoking and alcohol. No, an addiction is something that should never be treated with anything less than the utmost sensitivity.

Except for when David Duchovny suddenly decides that he’s got a sex addiction, in which case everyone’s allowed to take the piss out of the ridiculous randy old idiot and his uncontrollable todger.

You see, David Duchovny hasn’t got one of those normal sex addictions where you have sex a lot and enjoy it – he’s got one of those dreadful sex addictions where you have sex so much that you hate every single grotty second of it but remain compelled to keep having sex all the time even though it’s killing you on the inside.

Or he’s got one of those sex addictions where your wife catches you having it off with another woman and you have to pretend that it’s not your fault and you’re the real victim in all of this. We simply just don’t know, but it’s probably one of those two things.

Anyway, here’s how David Duchovny broke the shocking news of his absolutely genuine sex addiction -  which is a real thing that actually exists – to the world:

“I have voluntarily entered a facility for the treatment of sex addiction. I ask for respect and privacy for my wife and children as we deal with this situation as a family.”

Well since you asked so nicely David we’ll absolutely respect your privacy, you great big honking dirty-dicked, sweaty-balled minge-chasing, bum-sniffing pork swordsman pervert. Respect is the absolute least you deserve from us.

Fingers crossed that David Duchovny’s stint in rehab will be a brief one, and that he’ll be able to overcome his sex addiction with enough speed and grace to allow him to return to his loving family and his TV show Californication about a, oh, about a hopeless sex addict. Good luck with that, David. That doesn’t sound counterproductive in the slightest.

Still, at least we know why Billy Connolly’s eyes were bleeding in the trailer for The X-Files 2. It’s probably because David Duchovny kept trying to put it up his bum.

Although obviously we don’t say say that with enough certainty to let anyone sue us for it. Just so we’re all clear.