Not completely – the day that photos of Suge Knight rolling around in his knickers are leaked to the internet is the day we cut out our eyes and, to our knowledge, Miley Cyrus has never driven around in a car allegedly punching a woman in the head – but in terms of ubiquity, the comparison just about holds up. Just about.

In fact, it’s this whole ‘allegedly punching women in the head while driving a car’ thing that’s brought Suge Knight to our attention again this time. Because now Suge Knight has been charged for the last time he supposedly beat up a women in a car. And since this time the charges also include a spot of beating up a woman in a car park with a knife in his hand, Suge Knight faces eight and a half years in jail. Oh well.

You know what makes our blood boil? People who walk around with small amounts of two different types of drugs in their pockets. Any bastard who does that should be immediately sent to jail for the best part of a decade. And as for people who think they can violently beat up women in broad daylight in a car park with a knife in their hand, well, that’s probably about 16 times less important than the drugs thing.

That’s not just our opinion, by the way – that’s the opinion of the American justice system as well. For instance, a few months ago increasingly desperate-looking rap mogul Suge Knight got arrested after he was apparently spotted driving through Las Vegas while punching a woman repeatedly in the head. When the woman escaped from the car, Suge Knight then continued beating her up while holding a knife.

And now Suge Knight has been charged. Mostly because it’s claimed he had small quantities of ecstasy and hydrocodone on him while he was allegedly thumping the life out of this woman. That part was cool because, you know, she probably deserved it. BBC News reports:

[Suge Knight] has been charged with two counts of drug possession and one of misdemeanour battery, according to papers filed in Las Vegas Justice Court. When arrested in August, police said Knight, 43, was found “violently beating” Melissa Isaac in a Las Vegas parking lot while holding a knife. If convicted, Knight could face up to four years in jail for each of the drugs charges, as well as six months for the assault charge.

So, in total, that’s an eight and a half year jail sentence he’s looking at. In retrospect, Suge Knight must be wishing that he’d punched four women in the head at knifepoint until they were hospitalised with no drugs in his pockets, because that way he’d have reduced his potential sentence by more than 75%. Hindsight’s a bitch, isn’t it.

However, lawyers for Suge Knight have claimed that Knight is not guilty of any of the charges, and they plan to fight them when the case goes to court next month. Personally we’re hoping that Suge Knight gets off without charge, because it’s going to be awfully hard for him to sue Kanye West from behind bars. Because in many ways, a prison sentence is nothing compared to the suffering that Suge Knight went through when he lost that earring at Kanye West’s party.

OK, not in many ways. In one way.

OK, not even in one way.

But now, possibly, Heather Locklear might just be starting to regret allegedly getting hammered on prescription medication and then parking her car in the middle of a state highway in floods of tears in September and then having a mugshot taken that makes her look a bit like a emotionally-sensitive panda being forced to watch the 2 Girls 1 Cup video.

And that’s because Heather Locklear has just been officially charged with misdemeanor driving under the influence of legally prescribed drugs. Who knew that Heather Locklear possibly had an addiction to prescription drugs? We’d have thought that her existing addictions – to making cacky TV shows and marrying idiots from crappy bands that only morons like – would have been enough for anyone.

We’ve always had a sneaking resentment of Ava, the daughter of Heather Locklear and Richie Sambora – not only does she have the genes to grow the worst haircut in history if she wanted to, but she’s going to have a hell of a Christmas.

This year her dad was arrested for DUI while she was in the car with him, and his mother’s just been charged with DUI after she was arrested for parking her car in the middle of a highway on suspicion of being off her chuff on prescription drugs. And that means Ava’s getting shitloads of presents.

True, depending on who she gets to spend Christmas day with, Ava might either have to put up with a recovering alcoholic barely in control of his own functions or a shivering depressed woman who might  constantly be on the verge of suicide but, hey, at least she’ll get an Xbox out of it. And isn’t that the most important thing?

Well, that’s unless Heather Locklear blows all her money on legal fees. Because, following her DUI arrest in September, Heather Locklear has now finally been charged with misdemeanor driving under the influence of legally prescribed drugs. The Los Angeles Times reports:

“There was no alcohol and no illegal narcotics in her system, only prescription medications, said Santa Barbara County Deputy Dist. Atty. Lee Carter. Locklear is scheduled to be arraigned Jan. 26. Attorney Blair Berk, who is representing the actress, declined to comment.

Heather Locklear may have been charged, but that isn’t to say that she’ll be heavily punished for it if she’s convicted. Since this is her first real offence, it’s likely that Heather will get away with just a fine and possibly a court-ordered rehab stint.

And that’s undoubtedly the best outcome. Not only is Heather Locklear the mother of a young child, but also if she’s sent to prison, then who’ll do all the crappy cameos in all the rubbish American sitcoms in her place?

Britney Spears, that’s who. Would you really be able to live with yourselves after an outcome like that, jury members? We didn’t think so.

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But that’s no longer the case. Ryan O’Neal and his son Redmond have both been charged with methamphetamine possession and other drug offences stemming from time police offices searched their house and allegedly found both of them, um, in possession of methamphetamine.

However, if they’re found guilty of these charges, both Ryan O’Neal and his son will probably escape a prison sentence. That’s because if they go to jail, they’ll be less likely to stumble round their house shooting guns at each other and tying each other to banisters and hitting each other in the head with fireplace pokers. And only a monster would put an end to that sort of first-class entertainment.

We’ve never hidden our desire to be adopted by the O’Neal family. Those O’Neal kids got lucky breaks we never did, and we want in. We want to be roped into an orgy with Melanie Griffith and a hairdresser like Tatum O’Neal says she was. We want to be able to tie our brother to a banister and accidentally hit women in the head with a fireplace poker until our father fires a gun at us like Griffin O’Neal.

But most of all, we want to be like Redmond O’Neal. Redmond O’Neal has lived a charmed life – reaching professional successes like getting minor voiceover work in The Brave Little Toaster Goes To Mars and personal successes like being so close to his father that both of them were arrested for possession of methamphetamine at the same time last month. Oh, how we wish we could be an O’Neal.

But it looks like an adoption is out of the question, so we’re just going to have to live vicariously through them all instead. And now seems to be a pretty good time to do that, because Ryan and Redmond O’Neal have now been charged with felony methamphetamine possession, and they’ll go to court over it next month. Reuters reports:

Both men were charged with felony possession of methamphetamine, and the son was additionally charged with lesser counts of possessing drug paraphernalia and illegal possession of pepper spray. Felony drug possession carries a possible maximum sentence of three years in prison, but neither man is likely do any time behind bars if convicted.

It sounds like Ryan O’Neal will get off lightly if he’s convicted of these charges – since he’s a first-time offender he’ll most likely be sent on a drug rehabilitation program where he’ll either learn that a) taking drugs is bad or b) trying to hide some of your son’s drugs that you’ve never tried in your bedroom to stop him getting into any more trouble with the police is bad.

Having said that, though, maybe a drug conviction is just the thing to give Ryan O’Neal an edgy new audience. After all, look at Robert Downey Jr – after he went berserk on drugs he became one of the biggest stars in the world.

So who knows – this could lead Ryan O’Neal out of the creative cul-de-sac he’s found himself by accepting guest spots on hopeless shows like Miss Match. Play his cards right and he might even lock down that walk-on cameo on CSI: Miami he’s been desperate for. No, what are we saying, Ryan O’Neal needs to gradually work up to something as high profile as that. Babysteps, Ryan. Babysteps.

No really, you will pay $20. Don’t think you can go snapping pictures of Gary Coleman on your phone without paying $20 first. Do that and you’ll get beaten up by Gary Coleman and Gary Coleman’s wife, and get your phone stolen, and then get knocked to the ground by Gary Coleman’s truck. Allegedly.

Alternatively, do do that. That’s apparently what happened to Colt Rushton earlier this month and, as well as making sure that Gary Coleman has been charged with reckless driving and disorderly conduct for it, he’s also hit Coleman with a lawsuit. This has to make today the worst day for Gary Coleman since, dunno, yesterday? He doesn’t exactly look as if his days are filled with sunshine and monkeys, does he?

It must be hard being Gary Coleman. Nobody you meet ever likes you for you – if they’re aware of your work their affection is going to be ironic, and if they’re not they probably think you’re some sort of hideously deformed infant scald-victim or something. No wonder you think your life is such a swirling cesspit of existential misery that you occasionally attack the inside of your own car.

That’s why it wasn’t exactly a surprise to hear that Gary Coleman had apparently run a man over in his truck after an argument recently. After all, it was a perfect storm of potential rage. All the ingredients were there – Gary Coleman, Gary Coleman’s on-off wife, alcohol, photographs, a bowling alley, a truck, the inescapable sensation that nobody involved will ever leave Utah – how could that not end up with Gary Coleman knocking a man over with a truck?

And now, ten days after the alleged incident, police have finally charged Gary Coleman with reckless driving and disorderly conduct. It originally wasn’t going to take that long to charge Coleman, but the police had to go through all the angry black truck-driving midgets in the surrounding area to make sure they’d got the right one. And there sure are plenty of angry black truck-driving midgets in Utah, trust us.

Better still, Colt Rushton, the man who Gary Coleman allegedly attacked, has decided to sue Coleman for the injuries sustained during the incident, which means we all get to hear his side of the story in explicit detail. E! Online reports the good part, after Rushton had been beaten up by Gary Coleman and his wife and bodyguard for refusing to pay $20 for a photo of him:

When Rushton attempted to retrieve his phone, Coleman, at this point behind the wheel of his vehicle, “slammed the truck into reverse, swerved and swung the front of the truck into [Rushton], hitting him, throwing him to the ground and possibly running him over,” according to the court documents.

Actually, if we were Gary Coleman we wouldn’t worry too much about any of this. The man he allegedly his with his truck is called Colt Rushton. Colt Rushton, for God’s sake. Everyone would hit someone called Colt Rushton with a truck if they had the chance, just to get him back for his stupid name.

We can’t even drive, but if we ever met anyone called Colt Rushton we’d go away, slowly and methodically learn the basic principles of driving, work really hard to save some money, spend it all on a brand new truck, go back to Colt Rushton’s house, ring his doorbell, wait for him to answer, run back to the truck and knock him to the floor in it. Of course we would. His name is Colt Rushton. He deserves that to happen to him.

So, basically use that defence and you’ll probably be OK, Gary. Our bill’s in the post.

Not if you’re a surfer. Surfers see Matthew McConaughey as their hero, their dim mahogany idol. And if you mess with Matthew McConaughey you mess with the entire surfer community, as a group of paparazzi found out in June when the surfers rounded on them for taking pictures of McConaughey and shoved them around a bit.

Now two surfers have been charged for the McConaughey paparazzi flare-up. But that’s not important. What’s important are the names of the people involved in the scuffle, because they’re so stupid it’s impossible not to find the whole thing hilarious. Spoiler alert – one of them’s called Skylar.

There’s been a long history of tribal conflicts on beaches – Vikings Vs Saxons, Mods Vs Rockers, Nazis Vs Non-Nazis, whoever it was in the last scene of The Warriors – but none have been quite as upsetting as the Surfers Vs Paparazzi Malibu beach clash of June 2008.

It was an epic battle the likes of which Malibu residents haven’t seen since someone gave Mel Gibson a bottle of tequila and a photo of Woody Allen two years ago. It was the sort of day that witnesses will one eventually tell their children about – the day that some photographers strolled onto a beach and started talking pictures of Matthew McConaughey, and only stopped when some surfers sort of started effetely pushing them around and whooping and whatnot.

Worst of all were the harrowing, primal exchanges between the surfers and the paparazzi, which will chill our very souls until the day we die. Exchanges like:

Surfer: “Get a job!”

Paparazzo: “This is a job, what do you do?”

Surfer: “I fucking drink beer and party! Woohoohoohoo!”

Anyway, you’ll be pleased to know that two surfers have been charged with this incident, getting hit with one misdemenour count of battery each. One of the surfers is called Philip John Hildebrand, which is fine, but the other one is called Skylar Martin Peak. Skylar, for christ’s sake. No wonder he’s so angry.

And don’t think we’re letting the paparazzi off either. The photographer who Skylar and Skylar’s friend attacked was called Richid Altmbareckouhammou, which is less of a name and more of the noise you make when you’re tickling an adorable puppy’s tum-tum. Reuters reports:

Officials claim the two men threw Altmbareckouhammou into the water from where he was taking pictures on the beach. Each faces up to six months in jail and a $2,000 fine.

We’re sure Skylar and Skylar’s friend feel pretty crap about the possibility of spending six months in jail. Worse still – it’s six months in jail for protecting Matthew McConaughey.

Seriously, if Skylar and Skylar’s friend do get sent down for this, they may as well just wear T-shirts reading ‘Please Bum me To Smithereens’ to save them the effort of explaining what they’re in for to their cellmates.

Thankfully, hecklerspray isn’t Kid Rock, or these waffle houses we’ve visited would have to worry about more than just their topping stocks – they’d have to worry about us punching and kicking people in them because we’re a bit miffed about something and presumably have some serious issues with the waffle-maestros out there.

Yes, everyone’s favourite rock… star? Well, whatever he is, young Robert J Ritchie has been found guilty on one charge of battery by those that make these kind of decisions. ‘Courts’, apparently. Pamela Anderson’s ex-hubby has been sentenced to 12 months probation, 80 hours community service, six hours of anger management classes and presumably has been banned from eating waffles, as they seem to make him go crazy. Kid was also handed a whopping $1,000 (about £500, as fans of stronger currencies are sure to know) fine to make his misery complete, and this final blow is sure to cripple the 37-year-old financially, leaving him destitute and alone.

Maybe.

Regardless, nothing can take away from the fact that Kid Rock was charged, after pleading a no contest, with the crime of battery. In an eatery that specialises in batter-based consumables. Hecklerspray is sure that the irony was not only intentional, but also a subtle viral marketing technique to get word of Rock’s new album out to the masses, as well as secretly encouraging us all to go out and eat some fried batter. Those marketing whores – we see through you. We know all.

The incident occurred last October and involved members of Rock’s crew, two of whom received similar charges to Captain Kid, who had originally pleaded not guilty. Though his crew probably didn’t get handed the incredible six hours of anger management, which is sure to have absolutely no effect whatsoever. Because it’s six hours of anger management. At least it isn’t six hours of the film Anger Management, as that would likely have completely the opposite effect to that originally intended.

The one-time American bad ass, whatever that may imply, has been on the receiving end of some rare positive press in recent months, with the success and popularity of his new album both surprising and confusing the opinion-makers out there. We at hecklerspray are not confused, however, as it is clear to see that directly ripping off ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ in the most brazen way possible, not trying to hide it, going so far as to sampling the original in said rip off, then having a bit of a ruckus in a Waffle House is the way to a million-selling record.

Right, where’s that copy of Dance e-Jay? The hecklerspray version of ‘Freebird’ needs to be made. Though we don’t seem to have any Waffle Houses nearby… will a fracas in a Dixie Chicken work as well, or does it have to be battery in a batter-based business? Damn.

Traditionally, we hear that Anne Hathaway goes crazy for that sort of stuff. Swindle a few dopey millionaires out of all their cash with a scam involving the Vatican and Anne Hathaway will be tugging at your underwear like some kind of lust-demented wildebeest.

That's what Raffaello Follieri has been accused of doing, anyway. True, he's been charged with wire fraud and money laundering for it and is being kept on a staggering $21 million bail because he's such a flight risk, but it did mean that he got to see what Anne Hathaway's hooters looked like. Admittedly he could have just watched that movie Havoc instead and saved himself a potential nine-year jail sentence, but to be fair it does look quite rubbish.

Anne Hathaway hasn't been much of a hecklerspray target in the past because she just seems too squeaky clean. She's not the sort of person who looks like she'd be caught shaving off her hair in the middle of a distressing meltdown or getting ripped to the tits on drugs and smashing her car into a tree. 

Luckily, though, it seems that Anne Hathaway is the sort of person who'd shack up with a man who's been charged with defrauding people out of millions of dollars by claiming he was basically the Pope's accountant. Which is handy.

Hathaway's ex-boyfriend Raffaello Follieri was yesterday charged with 12 counts of wire fraud conspiracy, wire fraud and money laundering, after he apparently conned strangers into parting with over $6 million in a dodgy catholic church property scam thought to involve dressing people up as senior clergymen to show how down he was with the Vatican. The Associated Press reports:

Bail was set at $21 million for Raffaello Follieri. Federal prosecutors said they have "overwhelming" evidence that he improperly spent up to $6 million from investors, much of it on a lavish lifestyle… Prosecutor Reed Michael Brodsky said Follieri, of Foggia, Italy, boasted of tight Vatican connections to entice investors to give millions of dollars so he could "live the lifestyle of a multimillionaire."

Because of this alleged swindling, Follieri was able to woo Anne Hathaway with his expensive apartment, dinners at the fanciest restaurants, flights in private jets and, apparently, the services of a dog-walking company. Remember, the fastest way to a girl's heart is via her dog's legs.

Although prosecutors apparently have enough evidence against Follieri to justify his $21 million bail, it was all for nothing. He and Anne Hathaway split up recently, so he'll have to fight his criminal trial alone. 

As for Anne Hathaway, however, she's once again young, free, single and ready to find someone who can rock her world in a similar way to Follieri.

If we were Lou Pearlman, we'd probably be investing in some breathmints right now.

It’s true, we read it in a book once. Wait, what’s that? It’s not the unassailable right of all British people to beat up a policeman in a strop? Oh, well that’s Naomi Campbell screwed, then.

Naomi Campbell has been charged with assault after her alleged screaming meltdown on a plane las month. If found guilty then Naomi could find herself saddled with a six-month jail sentence. According to her lawyer, Naomi Campbell wants these charges dealt with ‘expeditiously’ – which we think is polite speak for “Woaaargh! You titting prick-ends! It wasn’t me! Do you who I am? I’ll kill you! I’ll KILL YOU!” But don’t quote us on that.

Put certain things together and you’re asking for trouble, as anyone who’s ever tried weeing into a plugged-in toaster will happily attest. So putting Naomi Campbell into Heathrow airport was always going to be a mistake.

Maybe because it’s so relentlessly grim and tatty, Heathrow airport has something of a reputation for sending celebrities berserk. Whether it’s Snoop Dogg starting an actual violent riot or David Hasselhoff wetting himself and then staggering around all pee-pantsed, Heathrow seems to do something to normally mild-mannered personalities.

And that’s mild-mannered personalities, so just imagine what it’d do to Naomi Campbell – a woman who once destroyed a yacht with her bare hands because she didn’t like a certain type of salad. Who are we kidding? Everyone knows what it did to Naomi Campbell.

On April 3, after the Terminal Five bungle misplaced her luggage, Naomi Campbell apparently threw a great big wibble, screamed at everyone and assaulted some police officers with either her fists or wads of her saliva depending on what you read. Naomi’s been banned from British Airways as a result – something she’s protesting by not going on any more of its flights – but the big news is that yesterday she was formally charged with assault. The Mirror reports:

She was charged with three counts of assault, two of using threatening, abusive words or behaviour to cabin crew and one of disorderly conduct. The penalty for assaulting a constable is up to six months in jail or a fine of £5,000 … [Lawyer] Mr Nicholls said: “She’s bitterly disappointed that she is to be prosecuted. She respects the decision and hopes the matter is dealt with expeditiously.”

Being charged with assault must come as an awful shock to Naomi Campbell, who’s got absolutely no frame of reference for any of this, barring all those other times she’s previously been charged with assault, naturally. Who knows how she’ll react to this? Who said ‘violently’? Yes, we expect you’re probably right.

But Naomi Campbell has no need to worry, because hecklerspray is determined to throw its weight behind a campaign to keep Naomi Campbell out of jail. Because, let’s be fair, if Naomi Campbell spent six months in prison, then we’d be deprived of the 18 subnormal public batshit Campbell tantrums she’s got pencilled in for that period. And that’s just bad for business.

Steve-O has been charged with felony cocaine possession following his weird recent vandalism arrest, but there's more. It's also been reported that Steve-O is currently on 14-day hold in a mental hospital after he allegedly sent suicide emails to all of his friends and started putting cigarettes out on his body.  

It seems that Steve-O's condition might be worse than anyone anticipated, which is probably why he should expect a call from the producers of How I Met Your Mother any day now.

Steve-O and Britney Spears don't seem to superficially have a lot in common other than nice short hair and the way that their movies always end in agony – in Steve-O's case it's agony for Steve-O, in Britney Spears' case the audience gets it – but scratch the surface and what do you see?

Well, not a lot really. Steve-O and Britney Spears really don't have much in common at all, but they've both been detained in nuthouses lately and that sort of justifies the comparison. Britney Spears you probably know about – what with every third hecklerspray post being about her – but Steve-O? News to us.

You'll remember that Steve-O was arrested earlier this month on suspicion of drug possession and vandalism, but that's just the start. As far as the drugs thing goes, Steve-O has just just been charged for felony cocaine possession. But as well as all this supposed drug-taking, Steve-O's mental health has taken a fall as well, and he's currently being held in a psychiatric hospital for a fortnight, as eFluxMedia reports:

An insider told Star Magazine that Steve-O was hospitalized Sunday at the Thalians Mental Health Center, specialized in crisis intervention, where he was put on 72-hour-hold, which has been extended to 14 days. “Steve is stabilized on meds at this point,” the source told Star. “He was also treated for burns on his skin as if he had been putting cigarettes out on his own body. A family member told Star that Steve-O suffers from bipolar disorder. During the weekend Steve-O allegedly sent suicide e-mails to friends. 

Concerns over his mental wellbeing? A possibly felony conviction? Things sure have taken a turn for the worse for poor Steve-O. Remember when he was just a fresh-faced youngster who'd vomit up goldfish and splash around in elephant poo and pole-vault into sewage? What could have possibly gone so wrong since then?

Read more:

Steve-O Under Medical Watch, Charged With Cocaine Possession - eFluxMedia 

Following his arrest last month, Paris Hilton's 18-year-old brother has been formally charged with DUI by the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department and faces arraignment in April.

It just goes to show how quickly Barron Hilton is becoming his sister. Now that they've both been charged with DUI, Barron only has to be in a shitty reality TV show and wank a bloke off on the internet until he ends up with jizz all over his tits and Barron will have caught up with Paris Hilton completely.

Perhaps it's because they were too busy trying to run a chain of iconic hotels, but the Hilton family don't seem to have done a great job raising their kids. Paris Hilton, of course, everyone knows about. Paris Hilton is a jailbird reality TV star who regularly films herself shagging men and dances with her norks out. Paris' sister Nicky and brother Conrad were raised so poorly that they've yet to develop personalities and wouldn't even recognise themselves if they looked in a mirror.

And then there's Barron Hilton. Barron Hilton has all the classic trappings of a delinquent. He's been raised rich enough not to have any real responsibilities, he's grown up as part of a thunderingly vapid and self-regarding set that routinely validates and celebrates these lack of responsibilities and he's named after the lowest rank in the British peerage system, so you can bet he's as angry as shit about that as well.

Whether or not Barron Hilton is a delinquent remains to be seen, because he hasn't been found guilty of DUI or anything yet. But Barron Hilton has been arrested for DUI and now he's been charged with it as well so, you know, there's a pretty good chance. The Boston Globe reports:

Barron Nicholas Hilton, Paris' 18-year-old brother, was charged yesterday with four misdemeanor counts stemming from his arrest last month on suspicion of drunken driving. Charges include driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs and being an unlicensed driver.

As this is Barron Hilton's first offence, if he's found guilty he'll most likely avoid a jail sentence – at least until the hereditary genetic impulses kick in and he goes and does the exact same thing a week later. 

But even though these are dark days for Barron Hilton, we have no doubt that the old Hilton trait of turning a negative into a positive will help him out. Just as Paris Hilton seized upon her internet sex tape and turned it to her advantage by becoming a reality TV star, then maybe this DUI charge will do the same for Barron Hilton.

And, you know what, we'd watch a Barron Hilton reality TV show. But only because we're eager to see if wears a top hat and a monocle all the time and rides a Shetland pony around his house and beats his servants with a brass-tipped cane whenever they look him in the eye. Because his name and facial expression makes us think that perhaps he does.

Read more:

A Hilton faces DUI rap - Boston Globe 

And, on that watertight basis, we feel confident in saying that Bai Ling is basically worse than Hitler, Attila The Hun and the Cloverfield monster combined. They may have done some terrible things, but at least they didn't steal batteries from an airport.

Bai Ling has now been formally charged with this petty theft, and if she's found guilty her punishment will either be an eternity spent thrashing around in unendurable pain in the screaming fiery depths of hell or a $250 fine. Whichever's easiest.

Bai Ling – star of one episode of Entourage, one episode of Lost, several awful haircuts and all of those websites that collects pictures of celebrity nipple slips – doesn't respond well to rejection, it's fair to say.

In fact, it's probably fair to say that Bai Ling is an emotionally-fraught wreck. You'll remember that after Bai Ling was arrested last month for stealing two copies of Star magazine and some batteries – total worth: $16.22 – Bai blamed it on the fact that she'd split up with her boyfriend right before Valentine's Day and the emotional knock turned her into a mean-ass petty kleptomaniac.

It's a great ploy, blaming your mistakes on the bad things that have happened to you – perhaps next week Bail Ling will say she only made Wild Wild West because a cat pooed on her front lawn once – but that's beside the point, because Bai Ling has been charged with the theft, as the Associated Press reports:

Chinese actress Bai Ling was charged Monday with petty theft and accused of shoplifting a pack of batteries and two Star magazines at Los Angeles International Airport. Bai tried to take $16.22 worth of items, said city attorney spokesman Frank Mateljan. She faces a $250 fine. Her arraignment was scheduled for Wednesday, when Ling could contest the misdemeanor infraction or pay the fine, Mateljan said.

A $250 fine for two magazines and a packet of batteries? That seems a little bit heavy-handed to us. Bai Ling shouldn't let the justice system walk over over her like this. She should fight this charge. Bai Ling should fight! With a bit of nous and a refusal to roll over, Bai Ling could set a precedent and go down in history as the woman who made it OK to steal things because you're a bit sad.

Which, we can all agree, is preferable to going down in history as the woman out of Taxi 3.

Read more:

Bai Ling Charged With Petty Theft - AP 

No. Because Mischa Barton is also a criminal. That's right – a criminal just like Al Capone and Lil' Kim.

Mischa Barton has just been charged with DUI, driving without a license and pot possession following her arrest just after Christmas. That's bad enough for Mischa Barton, but just imagine how poor Hayden Panettiere feels being the only skinny attention-seeking celebrity not to be charged with driving like some sort of impaired dickwad. Don't worry Hayden! We're on our way! And we're bringing the elephant tranquilisers! You will not be left behind!

Remember when the hot trend among the Hollywood A-listers was a little dog dressed up as a pirate that you could carry around in a handbag? Things were so much simpler then. Now to keep up with the likes of Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan you need to get arrested for driving a car out of your mind on booze or drugs. 

Or at least that was the case. As a general rule, when Mischa Barton does anything, she pretty much kills that trend stone dead. And since Mischa Barton got arrested for DUI on December 27, the young and pointless of Hollywood have had to find a new fad. It's been a struggle, with the current hot craze involving wearing a lifesize concrete sheep on your head like an inert livestocky hat.

But forget sheephats, because this is about Mischa Barton – the skinny girl from The OC who left The OC because she thought she was getting too big for it, only to end up doing absolutely nothing at all of worth afterwards. Anyway, two months after her DUI arrest, Mischa Barton has formally been charged, as the New York Daily News reports:

According to court papers, the 21-year-old actress was charged with driving under the influence of alcohol or drugs, driving while having a 0.08 percent or higher blood alcohol level, driving without a valid license and possession of 28.5 grams or less of marijuana. The misdemeanor charges are related to her December 27, 2006 arrest in West Hollywood where she was pulled over after police witnessed her car fail to use a turn signal, as well as straddle two lanes. Barton was scheduled to be arraigned on Thursday in Beverly Hills Superior Court.

It'll be interesting to see how Mischa Barton pleads in her upcoming hearings, because if she wants to stay true to the skinny celebrity tradition she'll need to plead not guilty time and time again despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary right up until the last minute when she'll reverse her plea and go to jail anyway. 

To be honest, we're torn between anger and pity for Mischa Barton here. Not because she endangered innocent lives while trying to adhere to the predetermined set of conventions laid out by her peer group, though. No.

Instead, we pity Mischa Barton because she's only roughly the size of an unfolded paperclip, so even an enthusiastic whiff of nutmeg will turn her into a shambling, dribbling uncontrollable mess, let alone any alcohol and pot. And we're angry because Mischa Barton is a British citizen, so she should be able to handle her drink. Well, either handle it or fly into a terrifying rage and stab a policeman to death with a screwdriver. Either way, it's a bitter disappointment.

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Mischa Barton charged for DUI, pot - New York Daily News 

Sadly, Lee Ryan hasn’t been over in Asia protecting the elephants from dying. Instead, he’s been busy allegedly slapping taxi drivers around and consequently being charged for it. The singer will appear before magistrates in Redhill on February 29.

We will be there in full support for Lee with a host of banners including 'We Luv U Lee 4ever', 'U R Propa Fit' and 'Kan Aye Ave A Refund Plz?' To any of Lee’s 12-year-old fans, 'Common Assault' means that he hurt someone for no reason.

So presumably all those songs he wailed about love and harmony were a bit of a lie. We await the trial for news on the best bruv in the world. 

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Former Boy Band Star Charged With Assault – NME

Poor old squeaky-voiced R&B star Akon is in trouble over the now-classic YouTube incident involving an angry Akon, a terrified 15-year-old boy, a girl with a bump on her head and all three of Newton's laws of motion. Basically Akon picked up a boy during a concert in June, threw him into the crowd, hit a girl on the head with him and is now being charged with endangering the welfare of a minor and second-degree harassment for it. As a result, Akon may be forced to cut back on the stage theatrics and let his songs speak for themselves in the future – something that could destroy his career forever.

Thanks to the genetic quirk that synchronises your burgeoning awareness of members of the opposite sex with the period of your life where you're at your most gangly, awkward and acne-strewn, being a teenager is a bit of a crappy deal. But there's one thing worse than being a teenager, and that's being a teenager at an Akon concert.

You see, any teenage girls who go to an Akon concert run the risk of being manically dry-humped across the stage by Akon, while any teenage boys can expect to be angrily hurled into the crowd at any given moment of time if Akon gets in a bit of a bad mood.

That's what happened back in June at least, when – during a show in Fishkill – Akon pulled a boy out of the crowd, lifted him up onto his his shoulders and threw him offstage to a chorus of horrified screams from the audience. If that wasn't enough, the boy he threw – a 15-year-old from Harriman, Orange County – landed on top of a girl named Abby Rosa, giving her a nasty case of concussion.

At the time Akon's lawyer seemed adamant that Akon had done nothing illegal, although he can't have been a particularly blinding lawyer because Akon has just been charged with endangering the welfare of a minor and second-degree harassment for the incident; two things that we're pretty sure are actually illegal.

Now that he's been formally charged, Akon's arraignment has been scheduled for Monday – at which point we'll have a clearer understanding of exactly how much trouble he's actually in. But whatever the punishment he's given, these charges mean that Akon will have to drop some of his more spectacular plans for his next tour. And that's bad news for anyone looking forward to seeing the moment when Akon marks the climax of Smack That by firing a toddler out of a rocket launcher into the blades of a hovering helicopter. Shame.

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Akon Charged In Fan-Tossing Case – Associated Press